THIS REVIEW IS LOADED WITH SPOILERS! THIS IS YOUR FIRST AND ONLY WARNING!!!!
I should have dropped this. I should have just dropped this when it took me two and a half FUCKING HOURS to read 60 FUCKING pages, but noooooooo. I just HAD to keep going, naively thinking this would get better. And boy FUCKING howdy, did it get worse.
When it dawned on me that this book is a combination of "Bunny" and "Nine Perfect Strangers," I realized that this was going to be a contender for my worst book of 2023. And the ending did not disappoint! While its still too early to tell, I would be genuinely amazed if anything else this year topped this rage-inducing slog of a book.
Before I really start my rant, allow me to discuss the only positive I can give this book: the only Black women in the book didn't die. So, congratulations, Bartz! You did ONE GOOD THING in subverting traditional horror/thriller tropes and didn't kill off the only POC of the group! Good for you! *sarcastic clap*
And now folks, onto the rant.
First and foremost, I read a couple of reviews that stated that this read as YA, and I wholeheartedly agree with them. In fact, if this was marketed as a YA novel and the writers (or budding writers, whatever) were between the ages of 16-18, I think this book would have been a lot more tolerable. Throughout reading this book, I had to constantly remind myself the characters were adults because guess what? They didn't act like grown-ass adults! They acted like a group of catty mean girls for the majority of the book (one of the many reasons this reminded me of "Bunny") and frankly I couldn't take them seriously as adults.
But before I go off about the characters, let me first tell you the biggest issue I had with this novel--it was SO FUCKING SLOW!! As mentioned earlier, it took me two and a half HOURS to read 60 PAGES. I am really fast reader, always have been, so seeing that I had made such a small dent in this book, that mind you is not that long to begin with, it should have been my first red flag that this wasn't going to work. But I thought it would pick up, I thought the intrigue and the story would make up for it, and NOTHING MADE UP FOR THIS SLOW AS FUCK BOOK. I have no idea how a book can have mystery, intrigue, drama, and horror elements throwing themselves at the reader from every angle, and yet it feels like no progress is made. Its absolutely baffling and enraging at the same time.
Moving on to the story itself, I admit part of this could be blamed on me. My takeaway from the summary was that a group of pretentious writers were going to be forced to compete with each other, and they start dying one by one and the main lead would have to figure out what's going on. And let me tell you, as someone who almost minored in Creative Writing in college, watching a bunch of pretentious writers slowly dying spoke to me on a satisfyingly personal level.
But NOPE. Roza's just an evil psychopath who steals writers' stories and sells them as her own.
That's it. That's the twist. And let me tell you, that was a pretty fucking unsatisfying twist, for a number of reasons.
-One, its overdone, bordering on cliche when dealing with art (for fuck's sake, Persona 5 did this twist YEARS ago and WAY BETTER!)
-Two, considering all the carnage that follows this twist, it seems incredibly stupid at best and fucking asinine at worst. You're telling me this women, who has enough money to renovate an entire fucking mansion, adding cells and security rooms, is just stealing peoples' works rather than, I dunno, just skating by off of her current success? Seriously, if this women never wrote a single new book after whatever the fuck the last one was, I HIGHLY DOUBT it would affect her financially in any significant way. And no, I don't care that its because "she's soooo crazy and soooo evil" because that frankly doesn't make up for how fucking stupid this is.
-And finally, this twist ruins any and all supernatural horror elements and dread and replaces it with generic cartoonishly evil hostage situation set up.
But enough about the dumb as fuck story, let's talk about the obnoxious as fuck characters!
The only likable characters in this book are Keira and Chitra. The former because she's the only one with a consistent spine and any semblance of common sense, and the latter because she was nice until she had to die...for being nice, I guess? Everyone else was either whiny (Alex), stuck-up and bitchy (Wren) or so cartoonishly evil and nonsensical I couldn't take them seriously (Taylor and Roza). I don't have much to say about Alex and Wren; so much of their drama could have been avoided if they had used their big-girl words and just FUCKING TALKED, but then we wouldn't have drama, now would we? And let me tell you, the amount of times Wren was used as a hostage, I would have just let that asshole die. She was absolutely not worth saving and had not redeemed herself enough to justify all the shit Keira and Alex went through to rescue her.
Taylor, I have to say, is the character I'm most disappointed in when it comes to how her character was handled. I was hoping, based off of her insistence that Roza had good intentions, that Taylor would serve as the "blinded by idolization, but learns the hard way she's wrong" character because it would have pushed the theme of worshipping your idols, even when they're awful people. But fucking NOPE! Taylor is Roza's girlfriend, has been for YEARS, and is just as psychopathic and evil as Roza! Wow, way to ruin a good character, Bartz! Congratu-fucking-lations!
And Roza is literally Masha from "Nine Perfect Strangers," only she's a sham writer instead of a sham wellness guru. And let me tell you, after reading this and "Nine Perfect Strangers," it has become increasingly clear to me that writing effective and believable charismatic villains is really fucking hard. But no, you cannot convince me that Roza is charismatic-she is manipulative, that's absolutely true, but charismatic? No. This may just be my interpretation of charisma, but for someone to be charismatic in my eyes, there has to be something good about them. Something that makes you think, "okay, I know they do this and that bad thing, but they are good deep down". Roza has absolutely fucking NONE of that. She's a rude, callous, manipulative monster who shows no care or empathy for anyone but herself. Also, how the fuck is this person so universally beloved that one of Roza's trump cards is, "its my word against yours?" Does this book take place in an alternate universe where one successful writer's word is fucking gold? Oh, and let me tell you, if this lady said, "darling," or "dear," one more FUCKING TIME, I was going to murder someone myself. It was so grating and obnoxious and so FUCKING REPETITIVE, please future writers, don't do this.
Oh, and the creme de le creme? The thing that REALLY pushed me over the edge? ROZA GETS AWAY. She literally gets away with EVERYTHING that happens, and then just sends Alex some fucking text towards the end, and at that point I was on the verge of having stroke, so I speed-read the rest of the ending. First of all, this is EXACTLY what happens at the end of "Nine Perfect Strangers," so I'm partially convinced Bartz just lifted that entire character from that book. Second, it makes everything that happened in this book feel pointless. There's no catharsis, readers just have to fucking deal with the fact that this horrible person WHO MURDERED THREE PEOPLE just...fucking vanishes. And third, the fact that Alex actually gives credit to Roza for her successful novel? NO. FUCKING NO.
Okay, I have to end this review here or else I'm actually going to have to be admitted to the ER. If you've read to the end of this review and STILL want to read this book, fucking go for it. It's your life and you can read whatever you want, but I won't be recommending this to anyone. This is easily one of the worst books I've ever read and I can only hope and pray I don't read anything else that comes close to it.