Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It

by Ray Guarendi

Ray Guarendi, psychologist, husband and father of ten adopted children, considers the most commonly asked adoption questions with insight, humor and a heart for the adoptive family. His aim? To dispel unsettling misperceptions about adoption, to encourage others to think about and act on adoption, and to guide adoptive parents to a more relaxed, rewarding family life for all involved.

A must-have resource for those considering adoption, those who have already adopted and those in the mix as family members or friends of adoptive parents.

Genres: Adoption, Nonfiction, Parenting

182 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Leslie Moellering · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a helpful book, written in a fun, easy-to-read style. Guarendi is humorous while having lots of experience and knowledge about adoption to share. I would definitely recommend this book to those considering adoption or wondering about the process.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are a total of four references listed in the back of the book, and two of them are the author's own parenting books, which should tell you a lot right there.

I think this book had the potential to be a lot better -- to at least serve the purpose of being a voice of reassurance to concerns about adoption -- if the guy had stopped trying to be funny all the time. Too many of these jokes were "stupid husband" jokes (about how his wife didn't want him to attend their home study, and only let him if he didn't say anything), and the "trust me, I'm a shrink" jokes got old after, like, one time. And other times I had to reread a sentence a few times before I went, "Oh... that's supposed to be a joke."

Yes, this book provides a good dose of reassurance and realism in some ways. But it's a bit too flippant about many concerns, taking the approach of "Many people are concerned about adopting children who (are older, have special needs, are a different race), but my kids who fall into this category seem to be doing just fine." (But how would I know, since my wife doesn't let me help raise them, hardy hardy har.) Although his credentials as a psychologist and an adoptive father of ten give him some level of expertise, there was way too little actual research and statistics for my liking, and way too much, "Here's my general feeling on the topic."

Having read quite a lot of the writing of adoptees, I was acutely aware that this privileged old white guy was trying to speak on behalf of a whole lot of other people's experiences -- e.g., having read multiple accounts from the perspective of transracial adoptees, Guarendi's glib "A kid is a kid is a kid" seemed painfully out of touch. Maybe he's right and most kids adopted transracially have no identity struggles, but without any statistics or any acknowledgement of the real experiences of those who have struggled, there's nothing to go on but his perception, which for me was just not enough.

There are better adoption books out there. I would not recommend this one.

[Mr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am unfamiliar with the policies, laws, and general rules surrounding adoption and foster care. This was the first book I read on the subjects. Although the writing of the book was saturated with tongue-in-cheek humor that only makes you cringe, I appreciated the straightforwardness in Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It. The author is always fair and balanced, and he never shoves his religious views down your throat. In fact, for a book with a largely Catholic perspective, Dr. Ray Guarendi is dedicated to providing the science behind a myriad of issues relating to adoption, including interracial family adoptions, the inclusion or non-inclusion of the adoptee's birth parents, adopting younger versus older children, and adopting children with special needs. The book is structured in a "Q and A" format which allows for easy accessibility. Overall, I thought the content was perfect for those who know little about adoption and the foster care system. I believe it is a good primer for those interested in adopting children. However, a more thorough and complete analysis of adoption ethics, laws, policies, and resources should be found in another book.

[Jay · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a great primer for those looking to get some general knowledge about adoption. It presents itself in a Q and A type format. It was a quick and enjoyable read interspersed with humor throughout. My one complaint about this book and why I docked it two stars was that God shows up in it too much for my taste (which truthfully isn't a lot but I'm not religious in the slightest and I'd like to avoid those books as much as I can).

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read out of general interest. So good! I felt a bit voyeuristic getting an inside look at the struggles of adoption. Really interesting to me. Written by a Catholic child psychologist.

Question & Answer format, which I like. :-) Subtle (not over powering) Dr. Ray humor peaks through occasionally. :-)

[Ann Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a nice resource. It's not in-depth, but it's a good starting point on the adoption journey.

[craige · Rating 3 out of 5]

Normally a book like this would set off all my annoyance alarms but for some reason it didn't bother me in the least and I actually found it helpful. I laughed at the author's dumb dad jokes and glossed right over the religious stuff. There was one instance at the very end when the author describes adoption as commonly being something that religious people are called to do but he glazes over the many infertile folks who are lead to it for completely non-religious reasons. If I had read that passage first I might have been turned off. Anyway, I suppose that since I'm at a point where I'm nervous and soaking up everything I can before our intake meeting next week I was receptive to the guidance offered in this book.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Ray Guarendi, the author, is my very favorite radio talk show host on Ave Maria Radio. He is funny, sarcastic, inspiring, faith-filled and full of insight on parenting and life that I find refreshing. I bought this book after seeing a talk he gave on parenting. He has 10 adopted kids himself and said this book is the true joy in his life. I bought it, and read it to support life, and to have it as a resource to anyone considering or even thinking about adopting.
That said, I find Dr. Ray a better speaker than writer. The book is full of humor and he follows his standard question-then-answer model of writing. I think it's hard to answer generic questions without fairly generic answers. That doesn't make for my favorite reading. But if you are having issues with adoptive kids or questions about adoption in general your question is likely addressed. The questions I was most interested in were in the very last section of the book. The book is thorough and a good resource.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

In conversational tones, Guarendi answers many of the common questions about adoption, including the ones I wondered if I should wonder about ("if I have to ask this, does that mean by default we/I am not right for this?). For example, what about adopting a child of another race? Will that child have a hard time growing up in our family? Guarendi, who is both an adoptive father himself and a psychologist, is in a unique position to answer these questions, both from a professional standpoint, as well as the personal standpoint of someone who has been through it.

His tone is so friendly and honest that I feel like instead of reading a book, I had the chance to have coffee and pick someone's brain about everything I was wondering. The information in this book was priceless to me. I wish I could thank Dr. Guarendi personally.

[Autumn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A practical guide about adoption for anyone interested in the topic. The author is a psychologist and father to 10 adopted children! The question/answer format of the book might be distracting to some readers, but I found it interesting, and almost all of the questions included in the book were relevant to me.

[Sasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Ray Guarendi has a unique perspective on adoption that I really like. I liked the question-answer format of the book. He and his wife adopted 10 children/babies through he foster care system after discovering they were not able to become pregnant. His light-heartedness and common sense approach along with strong Catholic morals would make me want to read some of his other books as well.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Humorous and thoughtful. A good resource for our church's "Orphan Ministry" as well as acknowledgment of the humbling yet amazing experience of parenthood-no matter how we get there. So much learning, laughing and faith involved in caring for ourselves and our families.

[Betsy Dion · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very good, encouraging book that answers a lot of common questions about adoption. I like Dr. Ray's tone. It is very reassuring, although he doesn't spend much time addressing how to handle difficult situations or problems that come from an adoption.

[Astrid Haas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that helps answer a lot of the questions, comforts me on a number of anxities and helps me realize that I am not alone on this beaucratic process that has a beautiful ending. My one criticism is that it is unnecessarily geared to married couples whilst I as a single woman adopting am going through a number of the same questions.