Healing Honestly: The Messy and Magnificent Path to Overcoming Self-Blame and Self-Shame

by Alisa Zipursky

Healing Honestly is a candid, poignant, and often funny survivor-to-survivor guide to navigating the salty waters of untrue stories and victim-blaming narratives that survivors of child sex abuse hear every day.

Survivors of child sex abuse (CSA) are inundated with untrue stories of their abuse, the aftermath, and what their healing journey should look like. The truth is those stories are a load of crap.

Healing Honestly Iis a survivor-to-survivor guide to breaking through the negative self-talk and debunking the myths that plague victims of CSA, such as

There is a “real” survivor out there, and we are not it.
It happened so long ago that we should be over it by now.
We are having too much sex because of our trauma, and also, we are having too little sex because of our trauma.

With an approachable style that makes stigmatized topics not so scary, this book shows how trauma survivors can learn to identify these untrue stories within themselves and find guidance on day-to-day struggles, such as how to date and how to navigate flashbacks.

Full of wit and humor, Healing Honestly offers practical strategies for survivors of sex abuse to fight stigma and self-blame with radical honesty.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help

288 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 6, 2023

About the author

Alisa Zipursky is the author of Healing Honestly: The Messy and Magnificent Path to Overcoming Self-Blame and Self-Shame from Berrett-Koehler Publishers. It is the first self-help book for child sex abuse survivors written by a survivor from a major publishing house since 1988.

Alisa is writer, coach, speaker, and CSA survivor who focuses on supporting other adults healing from trauma. She is the founder of www.HealingHonestly.com. Since 2016, she has been blogging about her experiences as a millennial woman trying to live a full life while healing. Along with offering group and individualized coaching programs, Zipursky travels the country speaking and facilitating workshops at college campuses and conferences. Her writing has been published in Allure, Teen Vogue, and Bust.

Reviews

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK!!!!!!! deserves all the praise. It is for adult survivors of child sexual abuse, but I think it is also a must-read for friends, family members, and professionals who work with survivors of sexual violence.

I read this book cover to cover in one sitting - it is offers a fresh and unique perspective on healing from sexual trauma. The author, Alisa Ziprusky, is a survivor of sexual violence herself, and her writing is caring, funny, and relatable: "What does healing mean to you? It's okay if you don't have an answer for that question... your pain is real and valid, just like you know mine is too, and for right now that is enough. Now let's go get some nosh."

Many of the books that are written about this topic are either memoir/trauma story-focused, or are very clinical with inaccessible language, or perpetuate harmful and pathologizing tropes. One of my favorite things about this book is that Alisa incorporates strategies from her own survival, but also the wisdom and reflections from many survivors she has connected with through her work.

She does an excellent job of digging up the roots of shame around experiences of sexual violence, how it affects survivors in different areas of their lives, and strategies for healing in each of those areas. It really helped me understand what it means in real life when we say "healing is not linear"!

This is a powerful and necessary book, and I know I will carry the lessons with me in my work and personal relationships. Cannot recommend enough. Thank you to the author for the advance copy!

[Dani Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The healing starts at the table of contents and the community building starts even earlier. Alisa Zipursky shows up as a friend who has been there. A friend who can see through all the bullshit. A friend who truly cares and wants the best for you.

She has written a funny (yes, it’s so true), warm, and welcoming book about CSA. Who knew that was possible?? Her generous spirit gives love, grace, understanding, facts, reflection questions, and real strategies for living our full lives with our full selves throughout the book. Her gentle honesty helped me be more honest with myself.

And somehow, she has done all of this in a way that shows us what’s possible when we build relationships outside of white supremacy culture. Alisa writes with a clear understanding of how forms of oppression intersect with the societal messages that keep us feeling isolated and shamed. She leads with the words and experiences of people who have been harmed by homophobia, transphobia, white supremacy, classism, and ableism. And no one’s pain or trauma is ever minimized.

I want to buy so many copies for so many people. My old therapist, my new therapist. My sister. My gynecologist. My survivor friends…of course my survivor friends. We all deserve the deep comfort this book brings.

[laurenhoweird · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is much needed within the realm of self-help. So often, workbooks and manuals written for survivors of CSA have been written by doctors and clinicians - which is great, but having this book written BY a fellow survivor makes every sentence resonate with the reader even more. having our experiences be seen, acknowledged, and grieved is such a fundamental part of healing, and that is exactly what this book by Zipursky offers to us. The writing is inviting and gentle, yet informative - devoid of the clinical language that is so often used to talk about the post-traumatic experience. Reading this book truly feels like chatting with a good friend. Weaving together humour, personal anecdotes, and trauma literature, Zipurski provides survivors the reassurance we have been searching for for so long: that our existence in the world is unconditionally valid in spite of what we might have experienced. Perhaps most importantly, Healing Honestly pushes back against individual and solitary narratives of abuse, forging survivor alliances and creating a safe space to begin "talking-back" to the shaming tactics we have been fed for so long.

[Renate Eveline · Rating 5 out of 5]

By far the most compassionate and supportive book I've read on healing. The author completely respects the autonomy of the reader. Very sensitive, respectful and affirming. Excellent and worth rereading.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are a CSA survivor, please read this book.  If you think or believe you were abused but you doubt your memories are real because they aren't clear - please read this book.  If you feel alone in your healing and you seek support and validation - please read this book.

This is a book that I wish I had when I felt completely lost and alone in the earliest years of my journey.  Alisa's words are so REAL and so tremendously validating.  Her personality shines through page after page, especially as she weaves in some fiesty swear words and fabulously fun humor.  We are reminded that laughter is healing and we survivors still deserve to laugh.  One of my favorite lines that Alisa writes is "I refuse to be a very serious thriving survivor who only speaks in Instagram platitudes".
Alisa's survivor story is powerful and she's a true expert in her own healing journey. She reminds us that we all have many different journey paths and only we can decide what's best for us. This is definitely not a cliché book that shouts "How To Get Over Your Trauma and Become the Perfect Survivor to Thriver!".

Alisa empowers the reader to navigate through the untrue stories or beliefs that survivors may hold due to their trauma.  Each chapter explores a different topic (memories, family, etc.) and it begins with an untrue story, followed by a wonderful reframe aligning with truth. Some chapters may be heavier than others, but there are absolutely no detailed descriptions of sexual abuse. Throughout the book there are various experiences, insight, and wisdom from other experts, including many amazing fellow survivors. Their words definitely resonated so much with me and helped me feel validated and less alone. 
My hope for every survivor: may you find community and know you aren't ever alone in this journey.

[Bianca Palmisano · Rating 5 out of 5]

[reposting because accidentally deleted my review from 2023]

“Victimhood was co-opted to uphold white supremacy and patriarchy. This history is still very much alive today, where survivors of color are even more ruthlessly invalidated, and the abstract idea of victimized white women is used as a talking point to defend a racist incarceration system.”

It’s rare to see a quote of this depth and nuance in book as intensely relatable and easy to read as Alisa Zipursky’s Healing Honestly. The chapters feel like chatting with an old friend, who throws in references to Gangam Style and surreptitiously googling how many planets there are while waiting to interview at NASA.

Healing Honestly is a self-help book, yet it is anything but prescriptive. Alisa asks the reader genuine and meaningful questions like “What are some forces or people who taught you to not trust your own body’s wisdom?” For a book digging into some dense and nuanced socio-emotional issues, Healing Honestly never felt like a slog to read. It takes some of the highlights of psychological research by folks like Van Der Kolk, Freyd, and Herman and paints clear, concise examples without traumatizing details.

I’ve already recommended the book to several friends who I believe will find value in Zipursky’s words. While the book focuses on CSA, there’s valuable reflections and lessons to be found which are applicable to all kinds of abuse and trauma.

[Meghna Bhat · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an academic who struggles with writing and reading heavy language, I have found this book to be so warm, welcoming, easy to read and understand-- without the use of any elitist patronizing academic language. Yet, the message and content was so deep and profound! As a survivor of trauma and gender violence, I have felt seen and validated on so many levels. This book has been written with such care and compassion for survivors, no matter what form of gender violence or trauma we may have experienced-- that we matter and our healing looks different for everyone. Alisa intentionally doesn't talk about the graphical details of any form of abuse which is refreshing, and yet her storytelling style speaks volumes about the prevalence and undocumented debilitating impact of trauma, victim-blaming, oppression and white supremacy on our lives as survivors. Reading this book hasn't brought the high bouts of internalized hyper vigilance or anxiety which I have felt reading other books- which says a lot. I highly recommend this book to anyone who identifies as an adult survivor of child abuse/ other forms of gender violence, works as an advocate or prevention educator, social worker, ally, healthcare worker, or a community member/ loved one!

[Meghan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a refreshing must-read for CSA survivors and allies, and the people that love them. Everyone has something they can learn from this book. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll highlight every other sentence!

This book feels like having a conversation with a dear, dear friend. Alisa quickly creates a safe space for the reader and builds trust through her vulnerability, shared knowledge, and care. She even encourages the reader set their own boundaries while reading by taking breaks, getting up and moving around, and reading at the pace that feels best.

Alisa deploys humor and wit in smart and conversational ways, without ever diminishing the subject matter, to remind us that we all deserve joy and laughter. She dispels the myths that CSA survivors face, and shares advice from experts throughout. From start to finish, even though you are reading solo, Alisa builds community and belonging. This is an incredibly bold and incredibly human book, and I'm recommending it to everyone in my life!

[Kim O'Hara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank God for this book. As a sexual abuse survivor, and author myself, I was so tired of the archaic non-relatable collection of books available to me as I healed. Alisa's front and center approach to healing from trauma makes you feel like on one hand you are in a close-knit circle of safety, and on the other, participating in a forum to repute books and organizations that skew the truth about recovery. Recovery is an on going process, and as a survivor, from one day to the next, you are always exploring new reactions to your life. It's not tied up in some bow. Since she has been blogging since 2005, she has real world experiences with feedback from her followers to craft a narrative that is not just some sad abuse memoir, but rather an empowering way to feel part of a merry band of people who while tossed a tough hand, get the golden prize of having a unique voice that resonates out into the world.

[Naomi Zipursky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Based on the subject matter of this book, one might make the assumption it will be a “stone-cold bummer” of a read. That assumption couldn’t be more WRONG! This book will make you laugh, feel like you’re being swaddled in your warmest blanket next to your favorite furry friend, and leave you feeling empowered!
Two of the best parts of “Healing Honestly”:
1. Zipursky ends each section with reflective questions, inviting you to choose your own adventure of personal reflection and inspiration.
2. I’ve never been more hydrated reading a book thanks to the constant reminders to drink water.
Truly a must read for anyone and everyone who is in a relationship with someone (which is literally everyone because bare minimum you’re in a relationship with yourself!).

[Stevie Croisant · Rating 5 out of 5]

While there is no “manual” on how to heal, this book comes pretty close.

Alisa is refreshingly vulnerable and honest about what she’s learned on her healing journey. But she writes in a way where her takeaways are applicable to anyone.

Within the first chapter, I did literal lols, wiped away tears, and felt more validation by a single sentence than I have in full therapy sessions.

I hope every survivor of CSA has the opportunity to read this book. It’s life changing. It’s honest. And it doesn’t forget to make you stop and laugh, too.

[Srk001 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mixed feelings.

I think it’s valuable to have relatable content available; and approaching this book from that angle, it’s doing a good job. It can be validating, and we do need more of those sounds.

What gives me pause, and I think should always be prefaced, is as victims we have our blind spots, things we normalise, things we deny, things that have become so ingrained that we don’t even see the connection to the (past) abuse. We should distinquish between relatable/validating on one hand, and helpful on the other (I can for example relate to others having developed an addiction as coping, because I did too. It’s validating to know that this is a real consequence and quite common to happen. But that coping in itself isn’t helpful. Telling people it's fine if they do that, because I coped like that, isn’t helpful for them (nor for myself)). There’s parts in this book where I did feel like the distinction was muddied.

For example: promiscuous behaviour is a real consequence of CSA, and to dismiss that because for instance the victim isn’t ready to face that or it causes shame, is one thing (an understandable thing!), but to make a blanket statement, and act as if it isn’t a real consequence is harmful and can cause victims to stay in that cycle, especially because unlinking the link to CSA makes the behaviour about themselves which can worsen the shame that victims carry (which at all times belongs to the abuser instead).

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healing Honestly is a must-read for anyone seeking to better understand the impact of trauma on relationships, physical health, and so many more aspects of a person’s life. As a mental health professional, I highly recommend this book to add to the toolbox of resources to offer clients with their own healing journey, as well as expanding my own professional learning. Zipursky’s voice is strong and she models how she herself uses humor as a tool for her own healing journey (it really is the least depressing read about childhood sexual abuse!) Highly recommend for anyone who has been impacted by trauma and/or someone who wants to learn to better support the healing of someone in their life.

[Paul Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a solid overview

This is a concise and accessible breakdown of some of the things that help and hinder healing. It also warmly encourages the reader to match appraisals and expectations to their wants and needs.

[Michelle Fleshner]

This is an absolute must-read for anyone looking to support and understand the experience of childhood sexual abuse. I am personally fortunate enough not to have experienced CSA, but I still found this book so incredibly insightful and useful in relating to friends and patients. Alisa Zipursky somehow brings light and levity to an incredibly heavy topic, making it a sincere and enjoyable book to read. As a physician who frequently cares for patients with a trauma history, I have already recommended this book to multiple patients and will not hesitate to recommend in the future. I have even sent a copy to therapists within my network because I think it is such a valuable resource both for survivors and people looking to support survivors. Must read!!!!