Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old: A Highly Judgmental, Unapologetically Honest Accounting of All the Things Our Elders Are Doing Wrong

by Steven Petrow

For fans of David Sedaris and Nora Ephron, a humorous, irreverent, and poignant look at the gifts, stereotypes, and inevitable challenges of aging, based on award-winning journalist Steven Petrow's wildly popular New York Times essay, Things I'll Do Differently When I Get Old.

Soon after his 50th birthday, Petrow began assembling a list of "things I won't do when I get old"--mostly a catalog of all the things he thought his then 70-something year old parents were doing wrong. That list, which included "You won't have to shout at me that I'm deaf," and "I won't blame the family dog for my incontinence," became the basis of this rousing collection of do's and don'ts, wills and won'ts that is equal parts hilarious, honest, and practical.

The fact is, we don't want to age the way previous generations did. "Old people" hoard. They bore relatives--and strangers alike--with tales of their aches and pains. They insist on driving long after they've become a danger to others (and themselves). They eat dinner at 4pm. They swear they don't need a cane or walker (and guess what happens next). They never, ever apologize. But there is another way...

In Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old, Petrow candidly addresses the fears, frustrations, and stereotypes that accompany aging. He offers a blueprint for the new old age, and an understanding that aging and illness are not the same. As he writes, "I meant the list to serve as a pointed reminder--to me--to make different choices when I eventually cross the threshold to 'old.'"

Getting older is a privilege. This essential guide reveals how to do it with grace, wisdom, humor, and hope. And without hoarding.

Praise for Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old:

"Unbelievably witty and relatable, I alternated bursting into laughter and placing my hand over my face in horror thinking, Oh my God, is that me? I often say, at this age we have something young people can never have...wisdom. My dear friend, Steven Petrow, has wisdom to share in this honest, funny, wry guide to keep us young at heart, without desperately hanging onto our youth. I am buying this book for all of my friends!" --Suzanne Somers, New York Times bestselling author of A New Way to Age

"Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old is an irreverent, funny, honest look at aging and all the things we take for granted as normal parts of aging. They don't need to be. If you struggle with getting older and want to find a fresh perspective on lessons learned about what NOT to do as we age, and what TO do to stay young in heart, spirit, mind and body, read this book." --Mark Hyman, MD, #1 New York Times bestseller author of The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet, and Head of Strategy and Innovation at the Cleveland Clinic Center for Functional Medicine.

"Steven Petrow resolved to do things differently than his parents had when he gets old because he wished they'd been able to enjoy life more. His solution? He created a list! In this book, he shares the secrets to living a full life regardless of our age. It's all about the decisions we make every day. My advice in a nutshell: Read this book and keep it handy." --"Dear Abby" (Jeanne Phillips), nationally syndicated advice columnist

"It's never too early to imagine what your life will look like as you age. And as I once wrote, 'We are not hostages to our fate.' Petrow's book will help you plan, think, and redefine what it means to get older--and even laugh while doing it." --Andrew Weil, MD, New York Times bestselling author of Spontaneous Healing and Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide to Your Well-Being

"Steven Petrow not only has a great attitude about life, he is wise about how to live it. Like me, he says we should embrace our one life 100% and not let a number--our age--get in the way of anything! Steven's book will help you rethink the word "aging" and approach this next chapter with a positive and proactive attitude. Plus, this book is fun!"
--Denise Austin, renowned fitness expert, author, and columnist

"Steven's writing feels like sitting with a friend--one who is unusually gracious, warm and frank." --Carolyn Hax, author of the nationally syndicated advice column, Carolyn Hax

Praise for Steven Petrow:
Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners helps gays and straights navigate the subtleties of the same-sex world. --People

Move over, Emily Post! When it comes to etiquette for members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community--as well as their straight friends, family members and coworkers--author and journalist Steven Petrow is the authority. -- TIME

What could've easily become a novelty book has emerged as an exhaustively researched, essential resource thanks to advice columnist and etiquette expert Steven Petrow. -- Th...

Genres: Self Help, Humor, Nonfiction

Audio CD

First published June 29, 2021

About the author

The former president of the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association, Steven Petrow has held senior editorial positions with Wired, Life, Fitness, Time Inc., and Waterfront Mediaand has written for the Los Angeles Times, Salon, Daily Beast, Huffington Post, the Washington Post Writers Syndicate, and The Advocate. His previous books include Dancing Against the Darkness (Macmillan, 1990); When Someone You Know has AIDS (Crown, 1993); The HIV Drug Book (Pocket, 1995); The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette (HarperCollins, 1995) and The Lost Hamptons (Arcadia, 2004).

Petrow is the recipient of numerous awards and grants, including those from the National Endowment for the Humanities, Smithsonian Institution, the Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, and the Weymouth Center for the Humanities and the Arts. Petrow appeared for more than a decade as a talking head on San Franciscos popular PBS-TV station, KQED, and has gone on several multi-city tours, appearing on NBCs Today Show, CNN, Fox News, and National Public Radio. "

Reviews

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perhaps I’m not the right demographic for this, but honestly much of the advice is for all of us, no matter our age. Sort of a life mantra to keep in my mind as the years quietly slip by and we suddenly do find ourselves old. But admittedly, I am already guilty of some of these no-no’s even though I am nowhere near old. I think it has less to do with age and more to do with my location (the upper Midwest maintains a more practical and modest pace of life), my lack of need for much of the new “young people’s” technology, and/or the desire to save time, money, or energy.

There were two minor but noticeable negatives for me. First, the author’s presumption that everyone can afford the necessities that may come with aging. For instance, he acknowledges that hearing aids can be expensive and implies that some of those who need them and don’t get them simply aren’t doing so because they are being frugal. They are too expensive and old people just don’t want to pay that much for them. But he never once makes mention of the hard truth that many elderly folks are on very fixed incomes and truly can’t afford the accoutrements or treatments they may require as their bodies begins to physically fail them.

Secondly, he speaks about dementia quite often and is familiar with the hurtful effects for both the sufferer and their family and friends. But in every instance of “stupid things” he says that he will not do, such as he will not turn up the heat causing others discomfort or he will not refuse to wear adult diapers, he never acknowledges the mental processes at play. He even asks his dad if he remembers going through the same issues with his mom and his dad says no. It isn’t enough to just say you won’t do something when the aging process diminishes mental capacities in expected and unexpected ways. The elderly often don’t have the conscious ability to make the best choice for all. He does at least express this indirectly, but a direct statement communicates the message more succinctly to people who can’t or won’t read between the lines.

I would say that this reads as a gentle and educating comeuppance. May we all have the patience and wisdom to grow older with grace and good humor, and compassion for those who have reached the elderly years before us.

Some takeaways for all ages:

It’s okay to embrace modern fashions and trends while still recognizing your stage in life. Be right where you are, neither acting too young for your age nor too old, while maintaining your style.

Drop old habits, learn the new ways.

Don’t let fear hold you back from living your dreams.

Have a variety of friends, both in age and interests, to broaden your perspective and learn from.

Be ageless. Your body changes, but you do not change. Accept yourself for who you are in all aspects.

[Lynne · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 this was a quick easy read but it did get sad a bit but also some great chuckles. This was great food for thought and an important read for people who are aging (aren’t we all? )
I am glad I read this.

[Ted · Rating 2 out of 5]

I synopsized this book to my friend when I was about halfway through as: 'David Sedaris mixed with confirmation bias.' The books revolves around Mr. Petrow's musings on aging after witnessing his elder friends and family go through it and how he is now a card carrying AARP member himself. My initial amusement faded after it dawned on me that he was taking a self-indulgent stroll through his life and doing a soft elder-bash all throughout; for instance the 'old person' smell-it's a myth and has been studied and debunked, he mentions this but then goes back to his point that there's a smell.

I did finish this book and the most touching and poignant parts were the words of others he put in verbatim; in particular his fathers' not so fictional short stories and his friend's letters to her children she had written before her untimely passing to be handed out at milestones.

Other than that I thought it was more of a self-absorbed, stream of consciousness recounting of some life events. I'm glad I didn't pay for it because I would have felt like I paid to listen to his problems.

[Maureenlanty · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got more out of this book than I anticipated. It made me laugh, think and even cry a little

[Cris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m coming up on the age when this book will be for me…as of now I am laughing thinking of my parents and in-laws! Then I laugh, thinking oh what fun Chelsea will have with her father and me! 😂😂😂

[Jim Gleason · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended by a friend who knows my personality and reading style, this was a simple and fun read. Nothing earthshaking, just smiles and laughter as I recognized myself in the author's reflections on life as seen in the rearview mirror looking back at our parent's behaviors as we now recognize them in our own aging lives.

We need such simple fun reads among the many heavier volumes we read, just for a relaxing break.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Light, digestible read for the most part. Something to pick up as you have time. Rounded up my rating because I enjoyed the final few chapters / the more serious reflections towards the end of the book

[Joanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable good advice and at times, quite poignant as the author recites lessons learned from his parents’ twilight years.

[Sarah Babkov · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to this on a bicoastal flight across the US. A thoughtful introspection on aging and death while being approachable and sweet.

[Brigitte Anich · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun, funny, thoughtful, and emotional all at the same time.

[Ramona Walker · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sadly, this is a book I didn't finish. He started out great - his mother sounds like she would be a fun character to learn more about and I assumed that would be the storyline. I did enjoy the one or two paragraphs about humorous things but expected much more of that type of funny sniping at things the elderly do. I gave it many chapters to come back to that but finally quit entirely when he chose to follow his own storyline of cancer, being gay and liberal. I finally quit when he brought politics to the mix as he had then wandered far, far from the title and was no longer the book I thought I chose. I'm grateful I had it reading aloud on my Kindle so I didn't lose all the time and was able to be productive while waiting for him to find the center again.

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has the perfect balance of humor and compassion for those of us of a certain age. I don't consider myself "old" but I'm definitely getting there (as we all are). Despite the fact that many of us are living longer than the previous generation, there are still many stereotypes and assumptions made about older people. I didn't agree with everything he espouses but found much food for thought. I found some fresh perspectives on how to handle the "golden years" that I'll keep in mind as I age.

[Marcey Rader · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a refreshing approach, Petrow challenges aging stereotypes and promotes active living regardless of age. He brings a mix of humor, poignant reflections, and a sledgehammer to societal misconceptions about aging. As an advocate for health and wellness, I appreciate his emphasis on staying mentally and physically agile, emphasizing that aging should be an impetus for engagement and involvement rather than decline. A testament that age is an opportunity, not a constraint.

[Cynthia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book while on vacation. It was an enjoyable read. As a nurse, I recognized many patients and their families in the stories told as well as the challenges I am now facing with my own parents.

[Jacci · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. I saw many glimpses of my mother, mother-in-law and even myself in this. Perfect amount of humor and honesty in this book. I laughed and cried at the end of this book. Highly recommend it.

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spot on! It is funny, poignant, and yes, irreverent but also very sweet and honest. A good reminder to all of us to get our lives in order and to make promises to ourselves not to do things that will affect a good, quality life.

[Keri · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a good book makes you think about life your family friends and how to live your best life now !!

[Joan · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were a few funny spots in this book, but it was mostly just inane and trite. I read about 30% of it before moving on. It was structurally well-written, showing some language-use skill.

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was really cool to read

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed through the entire read. As I reach my early sixties I just hope I can head the authors introspection.

[Charles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good to think about this stuff. But, it strikes of making vows you may not be able to keep.

[Christy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I so appreciate Steven Petrow writing this book. It was difficult in some places, and I almost set it aside. For others reading this book, I recommend persevering to the end.

[Gillie Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

All of it hits an uncomfortable target now that I’m old.

[Phil · Rating 3 out of 5]

Expected this one to be consistently humorous and so came away disappointed. After a solid start in the land of laugh-out-loud funny, the author veered off into a lot of talk about his physical and mental ailments i.e. the very things he had just ripped on older people for dwelling on in conversations. At that point the book began to read more like the author’s personal diary of neurotic and narcissistic hand-wringing regarding his own aging life. Some interesting takeaways about getting older, however, brings me to give it 3 stars rather than 2.