More and more anxious while writing. It is understandable. Every word, twisted in the hand of the spirits - this flourish of the hand is their characteristic movement - becomes a spear, turned against the speaker. A remark like this most especially. And so on to infinity. The consolation would be only: it happens whether you want it or not. And what you want helps only imperceptibly little. More than consolation is: You too have weapons.
I’ve always had a bit of a strange relationship with diary keeping. Whether it was my early desperation to keep one, faithfully and doggedly, out of an abundance of vanity and sentimentality, or the subsequent entire rejection of it, as feels somewhat inevitable in the contrary middle age between childhood and adulthood; the need to entirely abandon those things too deeply attached to your (believed to be) former self. It was something I realised I had always thought and felt about in extremes, and always for either the wrong reasons, or often for no real reason at all.
Until I started this volume of Kafka’s diaries, I don’t think I had quite realised any of this. That something so seemingly innocuous had so many misplaced and unnecessary connotations for me. These diaries made me not only realise this, but entirely reconsider these old prejudices about, and against, diary keeping. Kafka’s ability to display such honest emotion plainly and effectively, yet without it feeling like his entire beating heart bleeding embarrassingly over the page, is such a testament to his inherent skill as a writer. How natural yet refined his writing is here, even in what should be its rawest form, was what I found most remarkable about these diaries.
I also appreciated the many insights into Kafka’s writing process here, and into his feelings about his writing. Both the act and the finished product. How interesting and well written much of (both his complete and incomplete) work is, contrasted with his lamentations about either how difficult it was to summon, or how little he was sometimes able to recognise its quality, was consistently comforting, and a little endearing.
Equally, it was fascinating to see a lot of the themes in Kafka’s works, such as ideas of alienation and unbelonging, reflected consistently throughout the diaries too. Kafka often references fearing how secretly repugnant he is, that if someone would just look closely enough they would realise him a monster. Seeing the core of this, knowing how he would be able to use and channel this in his fiction, made for a really interesting glimpse behind the curtain.
Don’t get me wrong, there was also plenty here that was boring. Either by how inconsequential it was (and how often it was repeated) or by how uninterested I particularly was in it, such as Kafka’s extensive trips to the theatre, or details about his interactions with his religious community. These weren’t really what I came to the diaries for, and so this could really drag on. I can’t help but note this in terms of giving people who might be interested in Kafka’s diaries the right expectations, but this isn’t strictly a criticism. After all, this was always a private diary. Something never intended for public consumption. In some ways, this renders any actual judgment on it or its contents silly, really.
Equally, undeniably, in looking at the bigger picture, this can seem small compared to the wealth of either the, often surprisingly refined, literary fragments or Kafka’s genuine meditations on how excruciating living can sometimes be. How off handed these remarks were, while simultaneously being undeniably deep (sometimes for that very reason), created a juxtaposition that made even the smallest of entries in this diary so incredibly poignant.
I think if you’re a fan of Kafka and his writing style, there’s plenty to be got from time spent with this diary. Even if you’re not, this doesn’t become untrue, but there may also be too much else that makes reading this more of a chore than a joy. After all, this volume comes in at almost 600 hefty pages. It comes down to the same thing it always does with complete works, whether it’s a full diary like this or simply an author’s entire back catalogue. Even with the most genius of writers, not every thought that tumbles through their head is necessarily brilliant, and if you’re not a honest to goodness fan of said author, it may be difficult to really enjoy. It’s certainly no place to start.
Part of me would be happy to see something of an abridged version of these diaries, not as a replacement, but something that would be more palatable both for rereading (which I wouldn’t strictly be inclined to, despite the skill, because of how much I know I’d like to skip next time) and something that could appeal to a more casual Kafka fan, who I’m sure would like plenty of the contents of this volume, but maybe wouldn’t be inclined to commit to such a tome as this. Nonetheless, whatever version this diary might be read in, it’s ultimately worth it to spend whatever time with such a singular talent.