Getting it Through My Thick Skull: Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved With Sociopaths Need to Know

by Mary Jo Buttafuoco, Julie McCarron (Contributor)

Mary Jo Buttafuoco's anonymous life as a suburban wife and mother in sleepy Massapequa, New York, on Long Island, ended in May 1992, when she was shot in the head on her own front porch. The 'Long Island Lolita' saga sparked a media frenzy that has not died to this day. As the years passed and Mary Jo steadfastly stood by her man while Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher continued to make headlines, one question lingered in the minds of women everywhere: Why did she stay for so long? In Getting It Through My Thick Skull, Mary Jo finally answers that question fully and convincingly. The answer is simple, yet it took almost three decades of turmoil: She was married to a sociopath. And while Mary Jo's face and story are known all over the world, she's just one of countless women who have become similarly enmeshed with a partner who wreaks utter havoc on the lives around them.

Using her own experiences, Mary Jo helps readers determine if they are indeed involved with a sociopath and offers hope and help for them throughher tragic and triumphant life lessons. In addition, readers will be inspired by Mary Jo's comeback: A true reclamation and re-creation of her life from the inside out. Through private details of the resiliency and rebuilding she has forged over the past sixteen years, Mary Jo shares with readers for the first time:

Her addiction to painkillers and her recovery through the Betty Ford Center
Her overdue decision to leave Joey and start over again on her own in California-3,000 miles from her support system
Taking control of her physical, spiritual, and emotional health and learning to feel attractive and in control again, despite the scars and trauma of the gunshot
Her highly controversial and public forgiveness of Amy Fisher
The new love in her life and how she found the courage to trust, believe, and find hope in a committed relationship once again

Genres: True Crime, Nonfiction, Biography, Autobiography, Memoir, Biography Memoir, Medical

256 pages, Hardcover

First published July 1, 2009

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

This part was missing:
What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need to Know

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

"A sociopath, on the other hand, has the same regard for financial obligations as he does to personal ones: no remorse, no conscience. Get what you want now, and damn the consequences later." I can't believe how amazing and real this book was. It was a stay-up-all-night page-turner read for me. It is scary how much I understand and can relate to this womans experiences. I am just learning about sociopathy and this book was a huge wake up call. I wish i could thank her personally for sharing her story. I know it had to be incredibly difficult to have to relive everything she had gone through in this toxic relationship. What an absolute strong and courageous angel. ❤

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book popped up in my “recommendations” one day. It was on sale, so I figured why not? I was pleasantly surprised. actually really liked this book. I found it well written and I finished it in 2 days.

[Leeanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Getting It Through My Thick Skull, by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

I was pretty young when the infamous "Long Island Lolita" case took over the media, and I didn't remember any of the movies or coverage or interviews, so I went into this book with fresh eyes, and read an engaging, inspiring story.

Mary Jo's incredibly honest about her life with Joey, from their early dysfunctional and yet happy marriage, when he first started exhibiting signs of being a sociopath. Only she didn't know it at the time, and was concerned with keeping up appearances. She suffered through panic attacks, and a husband addicted to cocaine, while trying to raise two children. Every time she thought about leaving, when she couldn't take Joey's behavior anymore, he convinced her to stay.

Fast forward to being shot by Amy Fisher, and the horrifically difficult recovery. The physical problems were compounded by the media firestorm, and more of Joey's bad behavior. Mary Jo, the real victim, ended up being pushed in the background while the antics of her husband and Amy took the forefront, giving Mary Jo no chance to tell her story. This haunted her for years.

Mary Jo spent the next decade plus trying to get some semblance of a normal life, eventually leaving her husband and learning how to heal from the scars that his behavior put on her soul. She tells her story honestly, describing her rehab for addiction to painkillers; the lonely, alcohol filled nights on her own; and slowly experimenting in the dating world again, learning to trust. She healed herself, and was rewarded with some incredible opportunities.

Mary Jo's main point behind writing the book was to try to help other women and men trapped in marriages with sociopaths, and it's an educational personal story.

4/5.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is compellingly written, I read it in about 2 days. It is interesting to hear this woman's story, and the book focuses on that. It's more memoir than anything else. The subtitle says it should also be about sociopathic behavior, and what that behavior looks like in real time, so to speak. I don't think the book really delivered on this point. There's a lot of narrating the sociopaths choices ave behavior, but I was looking for some analysis and context on that. There's just a lot of "he did x, and y, and was charismatic and lied convincingly..." But only tenuous connections between this story and what exactly about his behavior identifies him as sociopathic. I totally believe her, I just wish the narrative had been contextualized. It would have been more interesting for me if it had been written with consultation from a medical professional, or cowritten auth one. As it is, we have an internet list of sociopathic behaviors, her adult sons assertion that his dad is a sociopath, and her agreement. As this was the interest hook for the book, and the specific reason I picked it up, it didn't work fur me.

For: People who like fast paced engaging memoirs about unusual experiences (in this case unwanted overnight fame for her family drama and near death) happening to otherwise ordinary people.

[Shelley · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the book kind of agravating - not sure Joey Buttafuco is a sociopath - more like a dry addict. I'm glad Mary Jo Buttafuco has recovered and is happy but I don't think she was as much a victim of Joey Buttafuco as she wants to believe and wants us to believe. She blames him for many events that she willingly participated in. I'm the first one to defend and root for someone who has been victimized but I get annoyed when someone wants to blame someone else for all of the repercussions of their actions. I think she needed some money and there weren't any talk shows that wanted to interview her so she wrote a book. Meh!!

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a little embarrassed that I read this, but it was a quick read. Mary Jo seems like a nice person, and she certainly went through a lot. I admire her candor in that she doesn't shy away from problems she has had with substance abuse and she maintains a civil relationship with her children's father even though he is clearly toxic.

[Cindy · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's no such thing as Sociopaths, just really bad people. Unfortunately bad people can be very good at manipulating. Interesting story with some good lessons to be learned. Pray the children have learned from the parents mistakes and are not destined to repeat.

[Margaret Czekay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I grew up in the greater NYC area, a Catholic kid from
Brooklyn born in 1961 just six years after this author so I know exactly where MaryJo Buttafuoco is coming from. A nice Catholic girl born in the fifties or sixties goes through school, finds a nice guy, gets married, settles down and raises a family. It's just what you do. So I get it. Blissfully unaware of her husband's psychological issues, Mary Jo was a stay at home mom raising a family who thought she and her husband Joey were working hand in hand to create a good life for their family, and that they would someday grow old together. She had no idea how complicated his psychology was, and never saw it coming that her world would implode right on her very doorstep when a deeply troubled teenage girl would shoot her in the head. Nor could she have known that as time passed , Joey's many deceits would be revealed in much the same way as one might peel off layers of an onion. It wasn't until her son made a comment that Mary Jo considered that her husband's personality traits were consistent with sociopathy. I find Mary Jo's writing to be brave and honest , and I think this book is going to help someone else recognize that they might be involved with a sociopath. It explains so much about why she stayed, why she just put her head down and plowed forward through the mess standing by her husband and trying to protect her family. I'm very glad I read this and I wish this nice lady all the best. Bravo Mary Jo, you have handled this horror, this impossible situation, with grace and dignity and class.

[Kim V · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man.”

Stand By Your Man by Tammy Wynette

Mary Jo Buttafuoco stood by her man through sex, drugs, and an assailant’s bullet. And all she got in return was more of the same from her charming, but soulless husband, Joey, and scorn from the world. Before there were the O.J.-Nicole-Ron and the Scott-Laci-Amber sagas, there was the Amy Fisher-Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco triangle. While the who- done- it part of the shooting (Amy Fisher) was solved in a few days, the why part, as in why did Mary Jo stay with Joey remained a mystery until now.

Getting it Through My Thick Skull by Mary Jo Buttafuoco with Julie McCarron is Mary Jo’s rebuttal to the naysayers. An older, wiser, and now- divorced Buttafuoco explains that for nearly thirty years she was emotionally tethered to a sociopath: her former husband Joey. Poignantly, the memoir also sheds light on the devastating toll Joey Buttafuoco’s antics took on their two children.

According to Getting it Through My Thick Skull, “living with a sociopath disrupts every normal part of life --- sex, money, parenting, employment. . . .” The Buttafuocos’ marriage was certainly no exception to this pattern. The book details Joey Buttafuoco’s addictions to cocaine, sex, free spending, and reckless thrill-seeking. Sociopaths thrive on manipulating others through pathological lying to advance their own selfish desires or simply for kicks. As Buttafuoco relates, “if you haven’t ever been under a sociopath’s spell be grateful. They can charm the birds out of the trees and tell you black is white, and have you believing it.”

Buttafuoco also reveals her own personal demons – an addiction to prescription pain pills and clinical depression. Later after kicking the pill addiction and forgiving Amy Fisher, Buttafuoco finally musters the courage to leave Joey. And in true fairytale fashion she finds true love.

Getting it Through My Thick Skull is both a sad tale of one family’s descent into chaos at the hands of the male head-of-household and inspirational in the sense of watching Mary Jo bloom.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mary Jo Buttafuoco attempts to answer the question on millions of minds: What took her so long to leave Joey? She answers it. Kind of. Still not sure what took her soooo long and why she believed all the shit Joey shoveled for so many years. But Mary Jo has come a long way. She's finally gotten on with her life. Her story is fascinating; I could not put this book down.

I've read many reviews of this book. Not everyone is convinced Joey is a sociopath. From what Mary Jo says, I believe he is. A sociopath can waltz right in, destroy your life, and not give a fuck. My life was almost destroyed by one. I knew her only a couple of years and she wasn't a significant other. That Mary Jo put up with this for 30 years from her husband is staggering. At the very least, if not a sociopath, Joey is toxic. And what should we do with toxic people? Get them the hell out of our lives.

While I wouldn't go so far as to say this book is uplifting, it does give one hope. It's a story of a woman who was plucked out of her idyllic life and thrown into years of pain, anger, and a media shitstorm.

[Isabel Robeson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m happy for Mary Jo Buttafuoco for recovering from the physical trauma she faced, but i’m not convinced she’s healed from the emotional trauma as much as she claimed to have throughout the book. I also was very disappointed to see that she never empathized with Amy Fisher and that she still believes Joey Buttafuoco never had an affair with Amy Fisher. There are motel bills, and surmounting evidence, and Mary Jo states she believes Joey to be a sociopath… So, how she can’t bring herself to accept that he preyed upon this 16/17 year old girl is beyond me. It’s unfortunate she has never been able to recognize that Amy Fisher was a child who was taken advantage of and was just as much a victim, if not more of a victim than Mary Jo, herself. I wish all of the parties involved the best of luck and hope that they find peace and acceptance and recover from all they’ve been through.

Not the best book. Not the worst. Filled with more feelings of resentment and grudges than I prefer in a memoir, but that’s just me.

[Sandra Louden · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was mesmerized by this book. If you're over the age of 40, you more than likely remember the horrifying incident in May 1992 when homemaker Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot in the head on her own front porch by her husband's (Joey Buttafuoco) 17 year old mistress, Amy Fisher. Life as Mary Jo had known it came to an excruciating stop and would never be the same. With overwhelming courage and determination Mary Jo fought back, going through countless surgeries and coming to terms with her husband's character, reflected by her opening three sentences: "Joey Buttafuoco is a sociopath. There, I said it. Sad but true." I found Mary Jo's story & the way she allowed it to unfold to be credible, courageous and, yes, daunting. It is an unsettling scenario and a reminder that no one knows the tragedy that may be lurking only an arm's length away.

[Marni · Rating 2 out of 5]

Promises a lot but doesn't deliver.

[Carol · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm giving this book a 3 out of 5 stars because what I came to expect by the title is not what I found in the chapters. MJB has been on an extraordinary journey of recovery from an event and its ripple effects and I grew to respect her by reading about her journey. Nevertheless I found the book confusing. She states that she was married to a sociopath, yet the stories she shared seem to buffer the reader from the reality of who she lived with. While I recognize that Joey Buttafuoco is a classic narcissist; MJB continued to speak highly of him through many of her recollections. I wish she could have connected to the person she was at the time and express more of what it was like to live through that insanity. She seems to be reflecting back through a lens that did not include the emotional disorientation - at least it wasn't communicated. Nor does this book provide the reader a cautionary tale because in many ways she paints Joey as an irresponsible, yet lovable loaf. As one who has relational knowledge of the destruction the NPD can reign down on a person's emotional life, I didn't see it in her story. I suppose that if he was the father of my children I would continue to act like a buffer for the benefit of my children as well. If you are a victim of narcissistic or sociopathic abuse, this book will not validate your experience. What it did point to the importance of empowering one's self and to avoid being 'dependent'. MJB enabled Joey to be the 'lovable irresponsible loaf' she painted him to be in so many ways. What I did see is a woman who has found peace and forgiveness in the face of unforeseen circumstances and she has proved she is extraordinarily strong woman in many ways.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED this book. Hard to put it down and got me all obsessed with this case. Joey is pure scum, pure slimeball. And I'm glad, after decades, Mary Jo seems to FINALLY realize that! Although it kills me because she NEVER admitted that Joey actually had an affair with Amy, the whole premise of the book is- Amy just made up a story. There was NEVER an actual admission of REAL acknowledged guilt by Joey! And Mary Jo believes that??? Unbelievable. Mary Jo, wake up! Please! It's time
now!

[Elyse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mad props to Mary Jo for writing this book! Although I was only about 7 when all of the Amy Fisher stuff went down, I remember feeling so sad for Mary Jo and for her kids. I recall thinking to myself that if I were them, I’d be so scared that my mom wouldn’t make it, and I felt a LOT of empathy towards them. I felt honest joy when she was revealed to be okay back then.
Reading this book took me back! I’m glad that she found life after being shot AND that she left that narcissistic sociopath. 👍🏻🙏🏻❤️ You GO, Mary Jo!!

[Jbussen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know why I enjoyed this book the way I did. I read it quickly, about 2 days. FYI, There were many good years with Joey. THAT is half of why she stayed, and the other half is what we feel we "should" do as a committed wife and mother etc. The Long Island Lolita was media BS at it's zenith. Joey was just a guy and she was just a woman. But I liked this book? I enjoyed it very much. Happy endings will do that.

[Mellissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5⭐️’s// If you were obsessed by this in the 90’s, this book is for you. This book is surprisingly well-written and insightful. It focuses on the physical and mental effects the shooting and media attention had on Mary Jo. She is up front about addiction and her mistakes. I enjoyed hearing how she found strength and happiness. There is little time spent on Amy Fisher. I feel like this would have played out much differently if this happened today. (60/100) #readlist2021

[Raelene M Wharff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good reading!

I purchased this book quite a while ago. Finally having time to read it, I am pleasantly surprised at how much she has grown. The fact that she narrates the book herself makes it an even better book. As funny as it sounds, I recommend reading this with professional narration. It made it even better for me to understand from her point of view.

[Julia A. Hardy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Can Identify

Very interesting as i have a close family member who is a sociopath. I felt as though she had lived my life. Kudos for pulling herself up by the boots straps and raising those children. Great read

[Michelle Hanson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought provoking..wish I knew who gave me these..

[Melissa Lenahan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a pretty good read. Very interesting! Glad she was finally able to get away from him!!

[Cindy Cominiello]

Loved the Book. She is a hero to all women who have lived with a sociopath

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing woman. She went through so much and still rose above all of it.

[Mariah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was just so sad. I hope Mary Jo has a good long life and that her worst days, nothing of which she deserved, are behind her.

[Allie O · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book after listening to her story on a true crime podcast and laughing out loud when the hosts mentioned the title of her book. I was thinking only someone absolutely unhinged or absolutely hilarious would name their book “Getting It Through My Thick Skull” after getting shot in the head. She’s hilarious.

[Miss.Always.Reading.Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in less than 3 days because I couldn't wait to get through it. I found myself feeling so sorry for Mary Jo. She went through so much with Joey but still stuck by his side. She thought she was doing the right thing by graduating high school and marrying Joey, her parents were always hard on her because she was a bit of a wild child. After marrying Joey she became pregnant and that's when Joey's drug addiction began. This is when she found out Joey was a liar. They were speeding home one night and the police began to chase them, Joey slowed down, stopped then took off. When the police caught up with them he lied and said Mary Jo was in labor. After he got away with that lie he grinned and said "What are you so upset about? We got away with it!" This was also the first sign of a sociopath. After Amy Fisher shot Mary Jo what I didn't understand is why didn't anyone call Joey out when he jumped up in the hospital room and voluntarily said "I only gave one of the polo shirts out to a customer and that's Mr. Fishers daughter." Red flags!!! The sad part about it was no one had sympathy for Mary Jo, the press was only worried about poor Amy Fisher. This book goes into details about what Mary Jo went through step by step after she got shot: her shot wound needed to be cleaned out every day with a Q-Tip put directly in the bullet hole to clean out any debris, they disinfected it, then the area had to be packed with cotton stuffed in bit by bit. Three people had to hold her down because she fought and screamed the whole time. The cleaning had to be done 4 times a day! She was paralysis on the right side of her face, the left side of her throat was also paralysis so she could only eat pudding and liquids and her eating in her right ear was gone. All the while Joey was denying it and talking to the news saying "I drove her home but I didn't have sex with her! The media is lying, they're out to get me!" So Mary Jo believed him and stuck by his side. She went through the people insulting her and throwing things at her house, she had a nervous break down and suffers from panic attacks. She had to be put on xanax and got addicted to it. She then went to rehab and finally expressed her feelings about Amy Fisher saying "I hate that b------ Amy Fisher!!!! She ruined my life, my kids life & my husband's life!!" Amy eventually apologize to Mary Jo but I don't think she meant it, I think her lawyer probably to her to do it just to make herself look good. Joey and Mary Jo finally divorced and she found someone to make her happy. I'm happy for her, she deserves happiness after what she went through. It's going to be a laugh to read Amy Fisher`s book If I Knew Then.....I want read "her side of the story."

[Rhonda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wouldn't have picked up this book if it weren't for a friend telling me she was reading it and it was pretty good. I guess I'm interested more in the "sociopath" than the Buttafuoco's. It really is amazing why she just couldn't see through him or get past him for so long...I guess these kinds of people have a "way" with you that charms you and you can't see life without them.
Just a couple pages in, she quotes Dr. Robert Hare's (co-author of Snakes in Suits) checklist of sociopathic traits...20 of them....quite enlightening.........

Quotes:

"All I can say is that if you haven't ever been under a sociopath's spell, be grateful. They can charm the birds out of the trees and tell you black is white, and have you believing it."

"This is what an enabler does best---tries to put a Band-Aid on the problem instead of addressing the situation head-on."

"As anyone who has lived with a substance abuser can attest to, the problems caused by alcohol and drug addiction alone are so overwhelming that there's no need to look any deeper for a root cause of all the marital, work, and financial problems that addiction leaves in its wake. And I want to stress that alcoholism or drug addiction does not in any way necessarily equal sociopathy. However, the symptoms of addiction do mimic many of the sociopath's distinguishing traits:
utter disregard fodr the feelings of others, lying without remorse, difficulty in sustaining relationships, promiscuity, and endless manipulation to achieve their goals---meaning alcohol or drugs. Anyone in the throes of addiction definitely behaves like a sociopath in many ways."

"The best answer I could come up with was that my former husband's refusal to "grow up" was the root of Joey's problem, the source of my misery, and the eventual cause of our divorce---that is, until our son introduced me to the word "sociopath." The best thing about this realization and all I've learned about this condition is the freedom I feel. I no longer blame myself, or even him, for all the events that went so wrong all through our lives together. I honestly believe the man can't help himself. He simply does not possess the enotional capacity to comprehend how his actions affect others."

"Experts recommend that the only way to deal with a sociopath is to cut off all contact."

[Debbie Denson Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

After watching all the movies, all the talk shows, and hearing all of Amy and Joey's side, it's a refreshing breath of air to hear from the victim of it all.