Slay the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win

by Rebecca Zung

USA Today Bestseller

Slay narcissists—the ultimate bullies—in negotiations by following this simple formula—developed by one of the top 1 percent of attorneys in the nation—a proven method to take you from victim to victory, without backlash !

Whether your relationship is professional or personal, narcissists have a way of honing in on their prey that is unparalleled.

The path into hell is camouflaged, artfully concealed under lies and charm, red flags skillfully diverted away, until you finally realize that their tactics have left you feeling utterly drained to your soul.

The population of narcissists is becoming an epidemic. The problem is that we've been applying a blanket approach to negotiation with narcissists and expecting them to work like they do with reasonable people.

But narcissists' brains are not wired the same as reasonable people. That is why a conventional approach to negotiation always fails.

But there wasn't a playbook on HOW to deal with them... until now.

In this book, globally recognized high conflict negotiation expert, and top attorney Rebecca Zung shares her revolutionary framework to SLAYing your negotiation with the narcissist.

By the time you're finished reading, you will know how to shift the dynamic of power and be more confident and empowered in every aspect of your life!

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Leadership

272 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2023

Reviews

[Mana · Rating 4 out of 5]

"SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win" is a fantastic book written by Rebecca Zung, a highly respected expert in high-conflict negotiation and top attorney.

The book offers a groundbreaking framework for negotiating with narcissists and achieving success in challenging situations. While others may claim that negotiating with narcissists is impossible, Rebecca Zung proves that we can indeed win. By understanding the mindset of narcissists and using the right negotiation techniques, victory is within reach every time.

This comprehensive guide provides valuable strategies and techniques for effectively negotiating with narcissists, who are often seen as the ultimate bullies. Rebecca Zung's SLAY method combines neurolinguistic programming, traditional negotiation techniques, legal tactics, and a deep understanding of psychology, empowering us to reclaim our power and emerge from difficult situations with minimal harm.

The SLAY framework stands for:

- Set boundaries: Establish and assert boundaries.

- Leverage information: Gain an advantage in negotiations by gathering information about the narcissist's motivations, weaknesses, and triggers.

- Anticipate reactions: Stay in control of the negotiation by understanding typical narcissistic reactions and planning accordingly.

- Yield strategically: Know when to stand firm and when to make strategic concessions to achieve desired outcomes.

The SLAY framework has even been successfully applied to project management, serving as a step-by-step guide for executing any project or initiative. Implementing this framework has increased efficiency and effectiveness in teams, resulting in higher project success rates.

Individuals who have used the SLAY framework to negotiate with narcissists have reported positive outcomes. It has been described as a life-saving, empowering, and meticulous guide to negotiation.

The SLAY framework has garnered widespread recognition and praise from both experts and individuals, proving its effectiveness in helping people negotiate successfully with narcissists and in various other contexts.

An excellent resource for empaths and anyone who comes into contact with narcissists in their personal or professional lives. You now understand how to cope with them.

[Samantha Simspon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book isn't typically something I would ordinarily read, however, I was intrigued to read it as was starting to feel like I was running into narcissists more and more. As Rebecca states in her book they now reckon 15% of the population have narcissistic traits - scary stuff! Ive mixed feelings about this book. It has some sage advice on how to deal with narcissists, it also opens your eyes to things you might not have realised about yourself. There's lots of guidance in here that I think those specifically going through legal proceedings with a narcissist could benefit from including their legal representatives (e.g. divorce proceedings or terminating a business partnership), so I'd recommend this book in those circumstances, but less so for those like myself that just seem to run into them in day-to-day life, such a work collegue you have to work closely with, or someone who's a member of a club you belong to, or someone on social media, your next door neighbour, for example. I'm struggling to determine how to apply the learnings from this book to situations where legal proceedings aren't involved as almost all examples were centered around this, and not a lot applicable to other scenarios.

For transparency, I was supplied a free copy of this ebook by NetGalley in return for an honest review.

[Jessie Raff · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book for anyone who can walk away from a narcissist, not someone who will continue to deal with them. It is interesting, but it’s really written for anyone going through a legal situation. The author has several good points, but for more information on how to accomplish them she points you toward her program (another purchase). I would recommend this to anyone who has a narcissist in their life, and needs help dealing with them.

[Vera · Rating 4 out of 5]

The content was good. If you’re dealing with a bully, read this book!

[Keisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came back here to write this review because this is an important book. For friends, family, co-workers.
If you are around someone draining your life energy but you think it’s you— THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU.
As Muslims we believe that each person has inherent worth. If anyone makes you doubt that- even in a subtle way- THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU.
This book will remind you that YOU are not the problem. The narcissist game is designed to make you think that, to wear you out, and to rob you blind in every way.
Take your power back. Read this book.

[Joni Owens · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was written from a great point of view. From a negotiator standpoint rather than a psychologist standpoint. It gives a great outline for how to deal with a narcissistic personality individual and come out with your sanity.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read the book and it is awesome. While the book contains mostly stories about personal relationships and marriage ending in divorce there are some business relationship examples too.

The ideas, tips and strategies can be applied to any situation.

I definitely recommend this book.

[Spellbind Consensus]

"SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win" by Rebecca Zung is a practical guide designed to empower readers to effectively negotiate with narcissists, whether in personal or professional contexts. Zung, a renowned negotiation expert and attorney, provides readers with strategies and tools to handle manipulative and toxic individuals. The book's acronym, SLAY, stands for a systematic approach to dealing with narcissists: Strategy, Leverage, Anticipate, and You.

Summary
Overview

"SLAY the Bully" is structured to offer readers a comprehensive framework for understanding and negotiating with narcissists. Zung combines her professional expertise with practical advice, aiming to help readers regain control and achieve favorable outcomes when dealing with narcissistic individuals.

Structure and Style

The book is organized into clear, actionable steps, with each section dedicated to one component of the SLAY strategy. Zung's writing is straightforward and engaging, using real-life examples and case studies to illustrate her points. The style is accessible, making complex psychological and negotiation concepts easy to understand and apply.

Themes

Understanding Narcissism:
Zung begins by explaining what narcissism is, detailing the traits and behaviors that characterize narcissistic individuals. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing these traits to effectively counteract them.

Strategy:
The first step in the SLAY approach is developing a clear strategy. Zung advises readers to prepare thoroughly before engaging with a narcissist, outlining the importance of setting goals, understanding one's own needs and boundaries, and gathering information about the narcissist's behavior and tactics.

Leverage:
In the leverage section, Zung explains how to find and use leverage points against a narcissist. This involves identifying what the narcissist values and fears, and using this knowledge to create pressure points that can be exploited during negotiations. Zung stresses the need to maintain composure and not reveal one's own vulnerabilities.

Anticipate:
The anticipate section focuses on predicting the narcissist's responses and tactics. Zung discusses common manipulative behaviors and strategies employed by narcissists, such as gaslighting, deflection, and blame-shifting. By anticipating these moves, readers can prepare counter-strategies and remain focused on their goals.

You:
The final section, "You," emphasizes self-care and resilience. Zung highlights the importance of maintaining one's mental and emotional health when dealing with a narcissist. She provides tips for building confidence, setting firm boundaries, and seeking support from trusted individuals.

Key Strategies and Tools

Documentation: Zung advises keeping detailed records of interactions with the narcissist. This can provide evidence in disputes and help maintain clarity and focus.

Stay Calm and Detached: Maintaining emotional control is crucial. Zung suggests techniques for staying calm and not reacting to provocations.

Assertive Communication: Clear, assertive communication is essential. Zung provides examples of phrases and approaches that can help assert one's position without escalating conflict.

Setting Boundaries: Establishing and enforcing boundaries is a key theme. Zung discusses how to set boundaries that protect oneself from manipulation and abuse.

Seek Professional Help: For complex situations, Zung recommends seeking the assistance of professionals such as attorneys, therapists, or mediators.

Analysis

"SLAY the Bully" is a comprehensive and practical guide that equips readers with the knowledge and tools needed to navigate negotiations with narcissists. Zung's SLAY methodology offers a structured approach that is both strategic and empathetic, recognizing the psychological toll that dealing with narcissists can take.

The book's strength lies in its combination of professional expertise and practical advice, making it accessible to a wide audience. By breaking down the negotiation process into clear steps and providing actionable strategies, Zung empowers readers to take control of their interactions with narcissists and achieve more favorable outcomes.

Overall, "SLAY the Bully" is a valuable resource for anyone dealing with narcissistic individuals, offering both insight and practical tools to handle difficult and manipulative behavior effectively.

[Becky Page · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book on dealing with these types of people!

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have read and I have to say Rebecca checked off a lot of accurate and good points with people who are narcissistic. I watch her YouTube channel regularly but this good was a very good staple point. Folks do you have people who you think are manipulating you? I have learned your gut always tells you the truth 9 tines out of 10 for the 1 point missing usually there is an underlining reason for you to have those bad feelings. I would recommend reading this book.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

"People who are truly remorseful don't continue to behave in ways that are hurtful to you over and over again, regardless of how you feel." That is one of the most validating takeaways from this book.

Slay the Bully does a thorough job of breaking down narcissistic behavior in a way that feels both eye-opening and familiar if you know a narcissist. Narcissists follow patterns. They're often predictable once you know what to look for, driven by a deep need for control, validation, and they are desperate for their "supply." Their sources of supply become everything to them, and they see their sources not as people, but as possessions. Their self-loathing runs deep, and they lack self-esteem. Even after being discarded or separated, they often don't let go. They feel enraged that they can't control their supply, "you", and so they will do anything to make you miserable. This can manifest as ongoing harassment, smear campaigns, or attempts to draw you back in. In some cases, months later, you might receive a letter stating you ruined their life, or a lawsuit could be filed against you, meant to keep you engaged.

They don't want to leave their source of supply alone. Whether through control, conflict, or chaos, the goal is the same: maintaining a connection that continues to serve their needs, regardless of the cost to you.

This book highlights behaviors that are all too common in narcissists:
‣ Blaming you for everything, even things they've done themselves
‣ Making it extremely difficult to leave, through harassment, persistence, or escalation
‣ Twisting events to make you question your own reality
‣ Painting themselves as the victim and you as the aggressor
‣ Accusing you of their own behaviors, for example, assaulting or attacking you, then claiming you were the one who did it
‣ Trying to pull you back in, even after you've gotten out
‣ Planting seeds throughout the relationship to paint you as the problem, long before the discard phase, painting their smear as concern
‣ Making up harmful lies with no basis in truth
‣ Acting like a two-year-old toddler having a tantrum on the floor. They're screaming and yelling until the target gives in or they get a response
‣ Feeling entitled to special privileges or treatment. Narcissists often demand particularly favorable treatment, and failure to comply can be considered a personal slight to them. Their ego (narcissistic injury) is bruised, which means that narcissistic rage can come flying out.
‣ Exhibiting narcissistic rage when they feel challenged, criticized, or out of control
‣ Demanding everything from you, with an extreme sense of entitlement
‣ Attempting to extract as much as possible from you, even in legal situations, pushing for more than what is fair or deserved

It becomes very clear: if everything fits, you're not "imagining things." There's a pattern, and this book is really good at laying it out.

What is a Narcissist? A narcissist has no sense of self, and because of this, they loathe criticism, are extremely jealous and small-minded, want everyone to view them as "special," and manipulate people for their own gain, without regard for other people's feelings or the consequences of their own behaviors.

The smear campaign is when the narcissist will smear the target publicly in an effort to attempt to persuade people to believe that the target is a heinous and horrible person, that the falling out was all the target's fault, that the narcissist was wronged by the target, that the target is evil, that the narcissist should be canonized as a saint and did everything right in the relationship, and well, you get the idea.

The book also breaks down different types of narcissists and how they operate, adding another layer of understanding to behaviors that can feel chaotic and confusing. These types aren't exclusive; a person can have traits from multiple categories at once, such as covert, grandiose, and malignant. A narcissist might act grandiose to gain admiration, use covert tactics to manipulate, and display malignant traits to cause harm, all depending on what serves them in the moment.

Covert narcissists are more likely to: Line up flying monkeys, but sometimes, under the guise of "caring" or "how sad it all is," weave in partial truths or paint themselves as the victim and you as their aggressor. Use passive-aggressive moves. Remain nice on the surface as long as possible. Do things underhandedly if they think they can get away with them, always ensuring plausible deniability if possible. Set themselves up to look like the victim.

Grandiose narcissists are more likely to: File false pleadings. Line up flying monkeys by feeding them outrageous lies. Ignore court orders. Pressure you to settle out of court. Flagrantly manipulate evidence (texts/emails). File meritless motions.

Malignant narcissists are more likely to: Threaten to stalk you (or actually stalk you). Lie about something that could ruin your career (for instance, accuse you of being a child molester or wife-beater in a pleading, when that has absolutely no basis in truth whatsoever). Use violence or threats of violence. Though narcissists become quite adept at disguising their motives and behaviors throughout their lives, once you know that you're dealing with a narcissist, while they are no less horrible and heinous to deal with, their patterns and behaviors are actually quite predictable.

I thought the book defined narcissism very well, almost too well, which brought up some traumatic thoughts, which honestly speaks to how accurate it is. The strategies, documenting behavior, keeping recordings, involving witnesses, and using evidence as leverage, make sense, but they aren't completely narcissist-proof. The idea of "negotiating with a narcissist and winning" feels limited, because sometimes there isn't a clean win. Some have burned so many bridges and lack so much remorse that consequences don't faze them at all, let me emphasize, AT ALL.

The book wasn't wrong; they really are predictable, stuck in the same awful patterns and behaviors.

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting premise - an attorney shares advice for negotiating with narcissists - and some good information, including lots of examples of what narcissism actually is. I was a bit skeptical while reading some of the sections since Zung is not a mental health professional, but her tips on dealing with difficult people were good nonetheless.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very interesting topic but it’s mainly geared towards anyone with a legal situation. It’s not for dealing with narcissists in your day to day life. It’s also kinda glosses over information to really try and entice you to buy her program.

[Munchie · Rating 2 out of 5]

A book I picked up to learn how to deal with everyday narcissistic people. However this book is for those going through legal battles, including business partnership and divorce that involve a narcissist person.

The author of the book rambles on about her program online, mentioning it in almost all chapters, instead of telling the reader straight away, how to handle the narcissist. She would constantly repeat herself too like when I saw the exact same sentence from an earlier chapter, now being said yet again in a later chapter.

I kept asking myself during my read, when am I going to "Win" as she puts it, because none of this is actually sounding like im being given solid info. Its mostly about advice, which she doesnt have a degree in mental health but talks heavily about it in one of her chapters. And focuses another chapter on being the better "You" which Y is the last letter in her "Slay" program, which doesn't feel like I'm learning how to solve my issues, just that i need to actually sign up for her program because she keeps putting herself high on the pedestal, saying shes the best in the country and constantly reffers you to her youtube channel. Which makes me feel like the book was a gimmick into thinking I need to hire her, if I truly was a victim of a narcissistic relationship that took over my life.

There are also stories of her clients in here and about their cases. The examples were cool and I did appreciate it, but it was a lot of rinse and repeat. I was strung along into trying to finish this book but kept wanting to put it down because I learned all I needed to within the first 100 pages, give or take. And now that I survived reading till the end, I do not recommend this book to anyone except those needing to legally find help.

[Karin H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rebecca Zung's "SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win" stands as a remarkable literary work from an esteemed author and authority in the field of high-conflict negotiation and law.

Within the pages of this book lies an innovative framework that redefines our approach to dealing with narcissistic individuals. The author, a respected figure in her field, challenges the prevailing belief that negotiating with narcissists is a lost cause. Through her expertise, Rebecca Zung demonstrates that victory is an attainable outcome. By immersing ourselves in the psychology of narcissists and adopting strategic negotiation methods, we can consistently emerge triumphant.

In this comprehensive manual, readers are equipped with invaluable strategies tailored to navigating the complex terrain of negotiating with narcissists, often likened to dealing with the most formidable of bullies. The SLAY method, masterminded by Rebecca Zung, ingeniously melds the realms of neurolinguistic programming, traditional negotiation tactics, legal acumen, and psychological insight. This amalgamation of disciplines empowers individuals to reclaim their agency and emerge from confrontations with narcissists with their well-being intact.

[Jenelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book felt like someone finally put language, strategy, and power into how to maintain your human heart while stepping to a narcissist. Slay: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win doesn’t coddle, over-theorize, or ask you to be “the bigger person.” It teaches you how to be prepared, grounded, and effective when dealing with manipulation, gaslighting, and word salad. Especially when the stakes are high and emotions are weaponized.

What I appreciated most is how practical this is. It’s not about changing the narcissist (because let’s be honest, you won’t). It’s about protecting yourself, holding boundaries, and negotiating from a place of clarity and strength. Listening to Rebecca Zung narrate it herself made it even more impactful, confident, direct, and validating without being inflammatory.

If you’re navigating high-conflict dynamics, legal negotiations, or co-parenting with someone who thrives on control and chaos, this book is a must. Empowering, strategic, and deeply affirming. Adding to my private practice bookcase.

[Srinivasan Tatachari · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is as practical as a book about handling narcissists in your life can and will get. The angst of Rebecca is very nicely converted into the framework of this book. I could literally feel her suffering the narcissist partner as she goes through the book and the SLAY framework. The plentiful anecdotes from her law practice explain each of the SLAY mechanisms very well. Though I felt there was a lot on the personal relationship front (liek divorces) than on a work related front (like dealing with Narcissist bosses)

The descriptions of what the Narcissists do in a relationship matches very closely to those that I have experienced in my life. So it was a good validation of my observations as well!

On the whole I think it is a book for everyone because they will be facing Narcissists every step of their life.

[Arianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book extremely validating and helpful for me to understand how to battle a narcissist in court. Unfortunately, my attorney was utterly useless in implementing this strategy. I discussed it with him and he found the ideas intriguing. And then he went right back to pushing papers back and forth with opposing counsel. I could not get him to grasp that we were not dealing with a typical person. He under estimated my ex at every turn because he couldn’t get himself to believe that my ex cared more about looking good than being logical about his own finances. We lost the case. And it was so frustrating to experience the lack of understanding over and over. I just wish I could get every attorney to read this!!!

[Steven H · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely a helpful read for those who have a narc in their life. The book guides you through the SLAY method on how to better deal with the Narcissist, or remove them from your life completely. She also uses a lot of real life examples from her job as an attorney both representing and facing off against Narcissists. The biggest lesson from the book I took away is the fact that you need to have a different game plan to get what you want and what you deserve when dealing with someone showing those tendencies. Strategize, use Leverage, Anticipate their actions, and most importantly, focus on You!

[Alec ⟠]

Slay the Bully is a book all about narcissists and how to deal with them. The book mentions different types of narcissist, and the typical things they might say, and most importantly, not to treat narcissists the same way as other people and expect results. I was really interested in the psychology behind this, and as I have known narcissistic people in my life, parts of the book felt quite personal, but I liked the sense that I was not alone in feeling certain ways. It was an incredibly fascinating read and I would recommend this to anyone dealing with narcissistic people or simply interested in psychology.

[Ross · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ehh. Not much helpful information. Mostly just rambling. You can find the same “information” for free on Zung’s YouTube channel. Zung’s book is written with the same tone she uses in her videos, rambling and regurgitating the same things comments over and over. Honestly, the way she speaks leaves me wondering if she’s “tipsy” more times than not when recording. The book has that same feel.

[Mistress Mars · Rating 3 out of 5]

BEWARE - The book is average, the hype is palpable and the FREE worksheet will cost you personal information and repeatedly dealing with junk mail.
A shame really, because you would think that someone with so much to offer could manage to do it in a way that was more authentic and less 'shopping channel'. Would you like to buy a bridge?

[Catherine A. Powers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful @

This book helped me understand NPD much better. I wish there were more strategies to help family members navigate the challenges.

[Hellerzilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

👁👄👁

[Michelle♥ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook
Want to buy

[Preeti Nichol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful to me at the time when dealing with a covert narcissist.

[Susan Kurtz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this will give you the insight and knowledge to deal with the narcissist in your life. You’ll end those circular conversations and stop giving your energy away.

[Meaghan Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Honestly not super well written and the acronym it’s all based on is a little loose, but still learned some good info. 😊

[Laura Contarino · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was very helpful in learning how to deal with difficult people. However, the author feels there is virtually no hope that the Narcissist will ever change, so her outcome is to divorce him.

[Stephanie Langston · Rating 4 out of 5]

feisty, clear, tangible, empowering. A bit forceful to be honest but then again I'm a therapist not a lawyer