What do you think?
Rate this book
The Soft Life: Love, choice and modern dating
For once, this is not a book about 'transactional sex' or HIV. There is no moral panic over women having standards in their romantic lives, or easy clichés of desperation in the face of unrelenting African poverty. In this book, Lebohang Masango explores how women in South Africa give meaning to aspiration, romance and love in their pursuit of the soft life -- a life free of hardship. Love it or hate it, soft life will not be a passing trend, even if it carries different names in the future.
190 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 14, 2022
14 people are currently reading
102 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
July 20, 2023
This book is for readers who want to be challenged. Lebohang Masangu said it perfectly, “this book is not a contribution to the moral panic over women having standards in their romantic lives, nor a reduction of their ideals to the cliche of desperation in the face of unrelenting poverty. It’s a book about how women in South Africa give meaning to aspiration, romance and love in their pursuit of the soft life; a life free of hardship”.
When I first saw the title of this book and I looked at the cover I thought, “yesss, this is going to be a juicy book about blessers and blessees in South Africa” a fluffy, no brainer, chilled read, a nice palate cleanser between ‘serious’ books. Boy was I wrong. This is a serious body of work, well-researched and challenging in how it frames morality, acceptable narratives about womanhood and what constitutes a ‘respectable’ relationship.
It must be noted, I am not turning a blind eye to the large number of transactional relationships that occur that put young women and girls into compromising positions, and as a result put their health and future at risk. I am instead pointing out that this book does an exceptional job of critiquing the Madonna/Whore binary that we so often force women into without critically engaging in the nuances of how one represents themselves for consumption online, in relationships and in day to day life.
#WeekendSpecial #SocialSunday #Chillas #LocalIsLekker #NBPublishers #TheSoftLife
When I first saw the title of this book and I looked at the cover I thought, “yesss, this is going to be a juicy book about blessers and blessees in South Africa” a fluffy, no brainer, chilled read, a nice palate cleanser between ‘serious’ books. Boy was I wrong. This is a serious body of work, well-researched and challenging in how it frames morality, acceptable narratives about womanhood and what constitutes a ‘respectable’ relationship.
It must be noted, I am not turning a blind eye to the large number of transactional relationships that occur that put young women and girls into compromising positions, and as a result put their health and future at risk. I am instead pointing out that this book does an exceptional job of critiquing the Madonna/Whore binary that we so often force women into without critically engaging in the nuances of how one represents themselves for consumption online, in relationships and in day to day life.
#WeekendSpecial #SocialSunday #Chillas #LocalIsLekker #NBPublishers #TheSoftLife
December 29, 2022
Another HOT. OFF. THE. PRINTING. PRESS, SOFT LIFE: Love, choice and modern dating by Lebohang Masango.
For her Masters qualitative research, Lebohang interviewed five women between the ages of 27 and 33 and explored the Soft Life concept, what it was, what it meant for them and how they actualized it.
"...the constant reduction of all of these women as "slay queens" and calling their boyfriends"blessers" and "bags" is harmful and unproductive. Framing all relationships in this way prevents us from understanding the myriad ways that consenting adults build their intimate relationships and express their love...it also hinders us from seeing the human relations and creative strategies that go into making a life amidst the difficult circumstances that is living in South Africa."
A short sharp and punchy read with a wealth of research behind it.
This quote🥂 "I just think money recognises me. Money is comfortable around me. Money likes me. So, money feels when it needs someone to talk to, it'll choose me in the crowd and sit next to me...It will choose me." Khanyi Mbau.
SOFT LIFE is widely available. See what I did there🫣 Psst... @thebookwormersgp this should go on your Christmas Wish List. Santa better be listenin'
Thank you @nbpublishers #tafelberg for this insightfully delicious read.
To find someone you can love and live in peace with, softly or not, that is the goal.
Choose your soft and work hard to create maintain it. "INFLUENCER DELUX: FROM SOWETO TO MILAN" by Kefilwe Mabote and Lebo Grand is a good place to start 😜
For her Masters qualitative research, Lebohang interviewed five women between the ages of 27 and 33 and explored the Soft Life concept, what it was, what it meant for them and how they actualized it.
"...the constant reduction of all of these women as "slay queens" and calling their boyfriends"blessers" and "bags" is harmful and unproductive. Framing all relationships in this way prevents us from understanding the myriad ways that consenting adults build their intimate relationships and express their love...it also hinders us from seeing the human relations and creative strategies that go into making a life amidst the difficult circumstances that is living in South Africa."
A short sharp and punchy read with a wealth of research behind it.
This quote🥂 "I just think money recognises me. Money is comfortable around me. Money likes me. So, money feels when it needs someone to talk to, it'll choose me in the crowd and sit next to me...It will choose me." Khanyi Mbau.
SOFT LIFE is widely available. See what I did there🫣 Psst... @thebookwormersgp this should go on your Christmas Wish List. Santa better be listenin'
Thank you @nbpublishers #tafelberg for this insightfully delicious read.
To find someone you can love and live in peace with, softly or not, that is the goal.
Choose your soft and work hard to create maintain it. "INFLUENCER DELUX: FROM SOWETO TO MILAN" by Kefilwe Mabote and Lebo Grand is a good place to start 😜
February 10, 2026
Reading “The Soft Life” made me realise something important about myself as a reader. This was my third non-fiction book in a row, and it reminded me how much I crave fiction. Stories that unfold, deepen, and expand rather than ideas that circle familiar ground.
I found myself wanting more. The ideas, while valid and well-articulated felt repetitive at times and I longed for the narrative to build, to unravel, to take me somewhere new. This is not a critique of the author’s voice or talent…far from it. I truly admire Lebohang Masango and her work. My response is more about structure and momentum than the intention. I needed the book to move more and to stretch itself further.
3 stars for intention.
I found myself wanting more. The ideas, while valid and well-articulated felt repetitive at times and I longed for the narrative to build, to unravel, to take me somewhere new. This is not a critique of the author’s voice or talent…far from it. I truly admire Lebohang Masango and her work. My response is more about structure and momentum than the intention. I needed the book to move more and to stretch itself further.
3 stars for intention.
January 9, 2024
didn't finish. couldn't
January 13, 2023
This book has been on my to-read ever since it came out because the topic is closely linked to my own research. Overall, I enjoyed it! Although the book is about the 'soft life', Masango deftly weaves the stories of black women living in South Africa by touching on various topics, from feminism, digital globalisation, corruption, and more. Furthermore, the praxis of a black woman writing on issues that affect us destabilises pre-existing discourse on the dating lives of black women, which has often simplified and dismissed other arguments that are based on stereotypes and prejudices.
The only point where I disagreed was the reasoning behind one of the women (Jolie)'s understanding of South African men's reluctance to carry financial responsibility. Although the argument of Apartheid's impact is wholly justifiable, socio-cultural elements also differ within the conceptualisation of masculinity across the continent. I would've loved it if there could've been a further expansion beyond being a difference of values. Albeit, it might be a different book entirely. But I think because this type of research is so novel, there are points for expansion for more research on this topic. I would've also loved a deeper queered dimension, as it is touched on lightly throughout the book with some of the women's dating experiences and identities. I think that's why I'm giving it three instead of four - so much was touched on briefly that could've been delved into. But this is part of the needed discourse and, as the author puts it, gives the necessary nuance into black women's intimate lives. The book also serves as a unique historicisation of the contemporary black women's archive within the Global South and our impact within digital spaces.
Looking forward to reading more from the author and engaging critically with the work.
The only point where I disagreed was the reasoning behind one of the women (Jolie)'s understanding of South African men's reluctance to carry financial responsibility. Although the argument of Apartheid's impact is wholly justifiable, socio-cultural elements also differ within the conceptualisation of masculinity across the continent. I would've loved it if there could've been a further expansion beyond being a difference of values. Albeit, it might be a different book entirely. But I think because this type of research is so novel, there are points for expansion for more research on this topic. I would've also loved a deeper queered dimension, as it is touched on lightly throughout the book with some of the women's dating experiences and identities. I think that's why I'm giving it three instead of four - so much was touched on briefly that could've been delved into. But this is part of the needed discourse and, as the author puts it, gives the necessary nuance into black women's intimate lives. The book also serves as a unique historicisation of the contemporary black women's archive within the Global South and our impact within digital spaces.
Looking forward to reading more from the author and engaging critically with the work.
March 2, 2023
To more of this kind of academic scholarship 🥂!Popular cultural social practices are intellectual, and not necessarily to pathologise or to moralise — but simply as characters of aptly discussing the zeitgeist of globalisation and interconnectedness.
December 31, 2022
If you are looking for ways to make your life softer then this book will definitely not give you any tricks and tips nor answers. Sorry to disappoint you 😅 Lebogang is doing research for us on the phenomenon of the famous “soft life” and works with 5 women who through their experiences share with us their inputs on it. Different topics have been explored in the book: love and dating, the internet, sex and feminism.
I particularly liked the openness of the ladies and I wanted to learn more about them. Their input are relatable. I would recommend this book because this is a topic we all need to clarify to eliminate unnecessary judgments.
I particularly liked the openness of the ladies and I wanted to learn more about them. Their input are relatable. I would recommend this book because this is a topic we all need to clarify to eliminate unnecessary judgments.
March 9, 2024
“Hardship exists and I suppose it’s largely unavoidable, but as long as I’m an adult with some autonomy over the outcome of my life, I will live gently, nicely, softly.”
In 'The Soft Life: Love, choice and modern dating', social anthropologist Lebohang Masango delves into the lives of five women living in South Africa. She describes the women – dubbed Bongi, Camilla, Jolie, Lihle and Nomonde for the study – as “ambitious, educated, determined and in pursuit of the soft life on their own terms”, adding that “they are hard-working and committed to actualising [the soft life] for themselves”, but “also recognise the pivotal role of a well-chosen romantic relationship” in this pursuit.
“It’s almost expected for black women to be content with less than what others have, and the soft life is about rejecting the trope of a womanhood that is burdened, overworked and overwhelmed.”
The book is based on Masango's master's thesis, and I suppose that is a big part of why I shied away from reading it for so long. I'm not big on research-based non-fiction, but ‘The Soft Life’ is an easy and interesting read that doesn’t bog the reader down with too much quantitative data. However, as I read on, I felt like figures and percentages - to bolster the five women’s narratives - would have really elevated the study.
Overall, though, the book provides interesting insight into the ‘soft life’ concept and how women can ensure that life for themselves by choosing the right partner.
In her introduction, Masango writes: “Growing older, you can’t help but realise just how much goes into the making of a picture-perfect love story. It’s never as simple as having feelings and acting on them, or simply being rescued from whatever difficult circumstances you’re stuck in… If you picture it as a destination, falling in love is delightful, but getting there is an important journey on its own that is shaped by who we are, what we do and don’t like, our circumstances and our ability to carve out the futures that we want for ourselves. This book is similar to that because it is also not just about love, but all of the factors that surround the possibility of its becoming”.
Who women – specifically black and brown women – date and what that apparently says about their character has been a popular topic of discussion for eons, and I really enjoyed that Masango offered a space free of judgment where these women were able to express exactly what they want and how they plan to get it.
Masango writes: “The association between young women’s intimate lives and ‘transactional sex’ is an often-repeated one that is affirmed by popular culture, trends on social media and, to a lesser extent, academia. Framing their relationships in this way hinders us from appreciating the kinds of collaborative and creative strategies necessary for building a happy and safe life amidst the difficulties of South Africa”.
We often see the argument that women who only date a certain type of man for the life it can afford them deserve whatever misfortune may befall them, and to this, Masango retorts: “Women in South Africa are not in danger because rich men will harm them, they are in danger because all men are capable of harm…”
Finger snaps, finger snaps.
Where ‘The Soft Life’ fell flat for me is that it is largely based on conventionally attractive – specifically thin, or at least not plus-sized – women in heterosexual relationships. Given the prevalent school of thought that the soft life is possible for all of us, I wanted to see Masango explore what the concept looks like beyond the thin, pretty, heterosexual woman’s experience.
I also wish the editing was tighter and this frustrated me often, but I’m sure that is a complaint very few will share.
“When asked what qualities she would look for in a future partner, [Jolie] immediately asked: ‘Is having money a quality?’”
In 'The Soft Life: Love, choice and modern dating', social anthropologist Lebohang Masango delves into the lives of five women living in South Africa. She describes the women – dubbed Bongi, Camilla, Jolie, Lihle and Nomonde for the study – as “ambitious, educated, determined and in pursuit of the soft life on their own terms”, adding that “they are hard-working and committed to actualising [the soft life] for themselves”, but “also recognise the pivotal role of a well-chosen romantic relationship” in this pursuit.
“It’s almost expected for black women to be content with less than what others have, and the soft life is about rejecting the trope of a womanhood that is burdened, overworked and overwhelmed.”
The book is based on Masango's master's thesis, and I suppose that is a big part of why I shied away from reading it for so long. I'm not big on research-based non-fiction, but ‘The Soft Life’ is an easy and interesting read that doesn’t bog the reader down with too much quantitative data. However, as I read on, I felt like figures and percentages - to bolster the five women’s narratives - would have really elevated the study.
Overall, though, the book provides interesting insight into the ‘soft life’ concept and how women can ensure that life for themselves by choosing the right partner.
In her introduction, Masango writes: “Growing older, you can’t help but realise just how much goes into the making of a picture-perfect love story. It’s never as simple as having feelings and acting on them, or simply being rescued from whatever difficult circumstances you’re stuck in… If you picture it as a destination, falling in love is delightful, but getting there is an important journey on its own that is shaped by who we are, what we do and don’t like, our circumstances and our ability to carve out the futures that we want for ourselves. This book is similar to that because it is also not just about love, but all of the factors that surround the possibility of its becoming”.
Who women – specifically black and brown women – date and what that apparently says about their character has been a popular topic of discussion for eons, and I really enjoyed that Masango offered a space free of judgment where these women were able to express exactly what they want and how they plan to get it.
Masango writes: “The association between young women’s intimate lives and ‘transactional sex’ is an often-repeated one that is affirmed by popular culture, trends on social media and, to a lesser extent, academia. Framing their relationships in this way hinders us from appreciating the kinds of collaborative and creative strategies necessary for building a happy and safe life amidst the difficulties of South Africa”.
We often see the argument that women who only date a certain type of man for the life it can afford them deserve whatever misfortune may befall them, and to this, Masango retorts: “Women in South Africa are not in danger because rich men will harm them, they are in danger because all men are capable of harm…”
Finger snaps, finger snaps.
Where ‘The Soft Life’ fell flat for me is that it is largely based on conventionally attractive – specifically thin, or at least not plus-sized – women in heterosexual relationships. Given the prevalent school of thought that the soft life is possible for all of us, I wanted to see Masango explore what the concept looks like beyond the thin, pretty, heterosexual woman’s experience.
I also wish the editing was tighter and this frustrated me often, but I’m sure that is a complaint very few will share.
“When asked what qualities she would look for in a future partner, [Jolie] immediately asked: ‘Is having money a quality?’”
September 9, 2023
“Women in South Africa are not in danger because rich men will harm them, they are in danger because all men are capable of harm […] Money can indeed be used as a mechanism of control and a tool to further objectify women, but it is also a gateway to freedom as the conspicuous consumption of soft living fuels feelings of contentment and security in a precarious country where the majority struggle to access employment, education and basic state services.” — Lebohang Masango, “The Soft Life”
In #SoftLife, Masango examines the conditions under which we get into and sustain relationships. How does capitalism influence our romantic choices? How much agency do we truly have, and how do our economic circumstances shape our relationships?
Instead of vilifying and judging women who partner with men for money, she offers a nuanced perspective. She does not demonise them, instead she affirms their dignity and perspective.
Her observations are supported by anedoctal evidence, but we are also offered theory to ground it.
In #SoftLife, Masango examines the conditions under which we get into and sustain relationships. How does capitalism influence our romantic choices? How much agency do we truly have, and how do our economic circumstances shape our relationships?
Instead of vilifying and judging women who partner with men for money, she offers a nuanced perspective. She does not demonise them, instead she affirms their dignity and perspective.
Her observations are supported by anedoctal evidence, but we are also offered theory to ground it.
January 17, 2024
In this book; the author explores how women in South Africa choose their romantic partners, the aspirations and/or preferences they have in a romantic partner, their conduct or behavior to find and keep these suitable partners, all in pursuit of a SOFT LIFE - A life free of hardship.
The book is based on Lebogang Masango’s masters dissertation in Social Anthropology where she interviewed five ladies from different backgrounds, with different aspirations and preferences, ranging between the ages of 26 to 33 years of age.
Lebogang emphasizes that she did not want the book to be about transactional sex or HIV and she really achieved her objective. I loved how, through the five women, she was able to show the reader that soft life is different for these women (and for the majority) but what makes it common is that it requires money.
Although the book is arranged in a research work format, it does not read like a thesis.
The book is based on Lebogang Masango’s masters dissertation in Social Anthropology where she interviewed five ladies from different backgrounds, with different aspirations and preferences, ranging between the ages of 26 to 33 years of age.
Lebogang emphasizes that she did not want the book to be about transactional sex or HIV and she really achieved her objective. I loved how, through the five women, she was able to show the reader that soft life is different for these women (and for the majority) but what makes it common is that it requires money.
Although the book is arranged in a research work format, it does not read like a thesis.
June 3, 2023
I quite enjoyed this book. Lebohang is an anthropologist so it is somewhat academic in nature but can be read and understood by most people.
It is not a book about how to get to and lead the soft life as one might think. It is more a discussion and reflection of current affairs in South Africa that illustrate the people's need for a soft life and what hinders us from acquiring this soft life. It also looks into what soft life means to different women and their experiences as they try to live that soft life.
The soft life isn't about the blesser/blessee relationship at its core, but rather women's desire to not have to struggle so much anymore and this is what the book zones into. It would be beneficial for those judgemental people, those who see it as prostitution to read this book, perhaps they might be enlightened, and get them thinking a bit.
A recommendation. Worth buying.
It is not a book about how to get to and lead the soft life as one might think. It is more a discussion and reflection of current affairs in South Africa that illustrate the people's need for a soft life and what hinders us from acquiring this soft life. It also looks into what soft life means to different women and their experiences as they try to live that soft life.
The soft life isn't about the blesser/blessee relationship at its core, but rather women's desire to not have to struggle so much anymore and this is what the book zones into. It would be beneficial for those judgemental people, those who see it as prostitution to read this book, perhaps they might be enlightened, and get them thinking a bit.
A recommendation. Worth buying.
June 26, 2023
“Can “having money” be considered a quality? “ One of the women whose dating life has been chronicled in this book asks . There was a time in my life when I associated this metric with “gold digging.” I’m wiser now and understand it as a very pragmatic assessment.
It’s very natural to want to be taken care of or expect a man to provide. Even with the little things while dating. For instance , if I ever split a cheque , any potentiality as a romantic partner ends there. You’ve essentially just friend-zoned me.
The women in South Africa who anonymously share their dating experiences in this book are hard-working and committed to actualizing “the soft life” themselves but also recognize the pivotal role of a well-chosen romantic relationship.
It’s very natural to want to be taken care of or expect a man to provide. Even with the little things while dating. For instance , if I ever split a cheque , any potentiality as a romantic partner ends there. You’ve essentially just friend-zoned me.
The women in South Africa who anonymously share their dating experiences in this book are hard-working and committed to actualizing “the soft life” themselves but also recognize the pivotal role of a well-chosen romantic relationship.
February 25, 2024
This book delves into the topic of feminity around some of the young South African women, the influence on their dating choices and views towards pursuing a materialistic lifestyle.
The author challenges readers to reconsider their views on individuals, particularly women, who choose to engage in this lifestyle through relationships with benefactors. The book also prompts readers to consider the role of men in this dynamic. While the topic is complex and my personal stance remains uncertain, the author has sparked introspection on the subject.
I appreciate how the author shares the stories of various South African women facing similar challenges in different contexts.
After reading this book, I am inclined not to pass judgment on others' life choices, decisions, and preferences.
The author challenges readers to reconsider their views on individuals, particularly women, who choose to engage in this lifestyle through relationships with benefactors. The book also prompts readers to consider the role of men in this dynamic. While the topic is complex and my personal stance remains uncertain, the author has sparked introspection on the subject.
I appreciate how the author shares the stories of various South African women facing similar challenges in different contexts.
After reading this book, I am inclined not to pass judgment on others' life choices, decisions, and preferences.
October 26, 2023
It started with promise and I thought it was quite refreshing to have these women who were unapologetic about what they expected from men, which isn't seen as acceptable in modern society. However, I felt the author lost her train of thought as the book progressed and she tried to cover too much and failed to do big issues (such as GBV, different views on feminism, etc) justice. Some useful insights.
February 10, 2024
This book offers a fantastic analysis that's easy to grasp. Lebohang focuses on contemporary dating trends, shedding light on the challenges faced by women in today's South African society, where women are often in peril. As a heterosexual male, reading this book made me more aware of the hidden patterns women face when seeking love and comfort. It's smartly written and very timely. I definitely recommend it.
June 16, 2025
I don't often dabble in non-fiction, but when I do, it tends to be in feminist literature. I knew when Khaled Hosseini's infamous quote on women was quoted at the beginning, and later when reference was made to Prof Pumla Dineo Ggola's Female Fear Factory, that this would be a sound and thought provoking exploration stance. I love that there's no vilification of the five women here, but rather a nuanced view on their experiences.
November 3, 2024
Enjoyed this book. Gave a different perspective into the "Soft Life," with day to day relatable experiences being shared by the ladies.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews