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136 pages, Paperback
Published June 13, 2024
What do we sense on the moor but ghost folk,
ghost deer, even ghost wolf. The path itself is a
phantom, almost erased in ling and yellow tormentil (from “Moor”)
The light glances on the water. The haze clears, and now the rock is visible; it looks depleted. But hallelujah, a pennant of twenty-odd gannets is passing, flying strongly, now rising now falling They’ll be Bass Rock birds. What use the summer sunlight, if it can’t gleam on a gannet’s back? You can only hope next year will be different. Stay alive! You call after the flying birds. Stay alive!
Nearing sixty, I found myself back at a beginning - always a lonely time but at least now familiar. I was writing again but in a different way, making short pieces, micro-essays, pages, call them what you will. Like the local stone here, they fractured easily. I wrote about incidents, memories, moments that caught my attention. They were distillations and observations. Testimonies. Over a few years they accumulated, and eventually I found myself assembling them into this book. A cairn of sorts.
Passing through browned grass, I reached the uncelebrated source, a dampness guarded by nettles which I accidentally brushed, and suddenly a crowd of white butterflies was fluttering around me like a shredded contract, so many for one moment I felt a leap of joy, like a five years bairn again, blythly venturing toward the edge of the known, but with no-one left alive to call me home.
Our neighbour Julie Goring is an artist who's been watching and feeding these local jackdaws for years; she can tell the High Street Hoodlums from the Hill Street Gang form the East-Enders. From her own dormer window she can reach down to a gutter where she leaves peanuts and in exhange the jackdaws sometimes bring her silvery gifts, leaving them in the same place. Recently she's received a 5p piece, a single amber earring and, amazingly, a small coin from Hong Kong. Hong Kong! Where'd they find that, hereabouts? Maybe jackdaws have their own trade routes.
And there's the loch: naturalised, reed-fringed, a heron flying so low its wingtips almost graze their own reflections.
But the cycles against which mortality is played out, the great consolations, are becoming disrupted. It's no longer sure that the seabirds will return to the cliffs here, from their wintering places out on the ocean; their numbers fall. It's said that the geese, even now arriving from the north, are ceasing to make such migrations because the world is warming. Of course, there has always been sea level change. The Ice Age ended; these islands would not be islands otherwise. Under the waves are remains of forests, even dwellings. 'Eustatic' is the word, meaning 'relating to sea level change'. The first time I encountered the word, I misread it as 'ecstatic'. The ecstasy of change, everywhere, but frightening, and fast.
The securities my generation knew no longer hold. No-one can say, 'Line up your lights, follow that path and you will steer to safety.' My son spoke about the fear of climate breakdown 'ticking away' during his life. That was only a couple of years ago and already it's no longer ticking. It's here and happening. Natural disasters and wars are everywhere at hand. Storms and winds are no longer just weather. These 'unprecedented' events: we can now follow them 24/7 on our phones, or we don't, we scroll on. 'Anyway', we say, 'let's talk of something else.' Nevertheless, the lights still beam out across the dark waves. What do they code for now?
It must have weathered a long time alone up at the bealach, borne like a palanquin then stranded as the glaciers thinned. Here is where we must leave you, we are vanishing, your weight is more than we can stand.
The common curlew, as the old books have it,
In the dream, we got it together as we never had on Jordan Street - unfinished business! He was a male presence, the smell of his thick shirt and muddle of unwashed sheets.
I wouldn't know him if I passed him on the street. He'd be a pensioner, and no revolution yet.
So there's another quick leap, from women having no control over their fertility, to deciding against having children at all because they fear the world they'll be raising them in.