Infidelity and Other Affairs

by Kate Legge

What do you do when your partner's infidelity upends your life? When you have to face up to your own addictions? Mental illnesses rain down on those you love? Parents die, careers end, love is found in unexpected places.

As a journalist, Kate Legge often sought answers to how people reckon with bad hands dealt or bad decisions. Then came her own search when faced with her husband's affair that unearthed a fault line of unfaithfulness running through four generations of his family.

Is infidelity a predisposition or learned behaviour? Infidelity and Other Affairs starts with this puzzle then contemplates life's curveballs as Legge strives to understand how we become who we are.

To her own surprise, she finds strength and peace where revenge and hate were imagined.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Audiobook

204 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 28, 2023

Reviews

[Suz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kate Legge, Australian author and novelist has written a memoir and collection of stories related to a painful period in her life and the infidelity that seems to ripple through the family of her husband.

Their son nearing the end of high school, both working successful jobs, Kate’s work as a journalist lent to the natural telling of her story. The title may lead the reader to the assumption this is autobiographical memoir about the downfall of her marriage, but this act turned into more. The telling was interspersed with stories of other family members being unfaithful to spouses, ill mental health, family history, unusual family members and that of the author’s own mental health and quirks.

The author wrote of her intimate betrayal of the ‘other woman’ who happened to be the best friend; the one they holidayed with and the like. The jilted husband was less forgiving and fed the author information, while on the other hand we heard what it felt to be assured of this never happening again, and the tumult of wrestling with her husband’s mobile phone to seek out proof of philandering and the blatant texting of his lovers whilst at the dinner table.

This married couple divorced and remained friends, sadly their son was to do the same thing to his young wife with a newborn. This took the family’s story to the grandmother and others doing the same thing asking the obvious question of is this type of behaviour inherited. Who knows the answer to such life matters, it is so common as she shows us with figures. Mental health, instant gratification, social media, family upbringing. The list could go on.

The author mentions many times ‘these essays’, therefore my assumption of what this book would be like differed to the outcome. There were small stories about family, love, life, forgiveness and the bond of family to weave it all together.

I listened to this via Libby through my local library, at 1.5 speed. I was not enamoured by the author's narration, and will sound like a broken record when I say narrators authors do not necessarily make, though I would like to say this book was well written and flowed nicely.

[Suzie B · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this book was going to be interviews with many people and a discussion on the topic of infidelity but it was more reflections on family and life, then morphing into opinions on random topics.

[Kanako Okiron · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not quite the fidelity I was looking for

[Jasmin Goldberg · Rating 2 out of 5]

I honestly struggled through this one and only realistically finished it because I'd come too far to stop.

A brilliant concept, with Legge exploring four generations of infidelity within her family, considering the impact of intergenerational trauma and also intergenerational learner behaviour, however the execution lost me. I always struggle with a book written by a journalist and even in the chapters I enjoyed I would sometimes struggle to pick up exactly who Legge was referring to with the over use of pronouns.

Where she really lost me, however, were the chapters after she had explored the generations of infidelity and her own relationships with her difficult and often troubling family. Legge seemingly randomly sprinkled chapters in there about being a cat person, fake news, the proliferation of social media and the climate crisis (among others), almost just to pad out the book that could have quite comfortably ended 100 pages prior.

[Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ah extraordinary book that left me with a lump in my throat. Kate Legge writes extraordinary prose: beautiful, evocative, heartbreaking and heart warming all at once.

[Vivien · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beautifully written; the first half was great, the second half, personal short essays.

[Melinda Nankivell · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a well written book but not what it’s marketed to be. What we hear is that this is a book in which the author, who finds out her husband has had an affair, investigates infidelity more deeply to try and determine if there is some hereditary link. The truth is the exploration is quite short and limited to her own family and forms Part 1 of the book. Parts 2 and 3 deal with other ‘affairs’ - essays on grandmothers, walks in nature, all sorts of things. Still, an enjoyable read, despite it not being what I thought it would be.

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times I loved her writing, at others I wasn't so sure. Maybe something to do with her rhythm?? As a read, it's worth more than 3 stars but probably not 4. Didn't quite hang together.

[Ruby · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me ages to finish this book, but I chipped away at it. Honestly, I was expecting more of a deep dive into the subject of infidelity and its intergenerational impacts and patterns… it really wasn’t that. Only a few chapters of the book were about infidelity. A lot of it was just about the author’s family, their neuroses, her love of cannabis, passion for walking… all kinds of subjects, but not infidelity. I found the book pretty rambly and aimless and a bit indulgent. I felt like Kate was writing more for herself than for her readers. It was a bit like reading someone’s diary… with a smattering of juicy information well hidden amidst a LOT of random, banal details. I don’t think I got much out of the book, personally. I feel mean saying that but my impression of Kate is that she isn’t a particularly sensitive person, and she probably wouldn’t care that I didn’t like her book! I like my non fiction to have more of a point, I guess. Hopefully someone will one day research infidelity and the intergenerational patterns of trauma, but this book wasn’t it. Never mind.

[Amar · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 stars

[Lise · Rating 1 out of 5]

The first half is the authors revenge over her husbands (who just happens to be my former boss!) affairs. She references Heartburn a couple of times but this just an angry rant. The second half is just cliched ramblings on a variety of topics.

[Mahayana Dugast · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an intriguing examination of human psychology in relation to extramarital affairs. It appears that for some people, it cannot be avoided... lest one die of boredom and compromise.

[Sharmani · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing was beautiful but the story not exactly as advertised.

[Randy Palihakkara · Rating 2 out of 5]

For such a title, surprising little depth in the writing. Mostly felt it was directionless although it was nice to read stories about her family.

[samuel lutton · Rating 5 out of 5]

An exceptional read

Beautifully written, this is the kind of writing that I am positive will stay with me for life. As compelling and heartbreakingly relatable the story of her husband’s infidelity is, there is so much more to this book than that. The storytelling, which spans back generations, is fascinating. The unfurling of her ancestors and their lives, their successes, their secrets and the sheer humanity of their ordinariness is spellbinding. These are families with such rich histories and so I suppose it is no wonder why Kate Legge is such an incredible writer. I was expecting this book to make me feel sad, which it did - but it also made me feel inspired, hopeful and thrilled with the wonder of its wisdom. Bravo, Kate Legge. An incredible achievement. You now have (another) lifelong fan.

[Kevin Klehr · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this non-fiction book at the right time.

No, I’m not dealing with either my husband’s or my own infidelity, but as a Gen X, I’m heading toward an important milestone next year. Yep, I will turn sixty.

Kate Legge is a Baby Boomer who has been forced to reaccess her life due to her former husband’s infidelity, and by doing so, philosophises on how external events shape our lives. She also asks whether defined behaviours pass down through generations.

Her ex husband came from a family of cheaters.

Legge focusses on a different family member’s betrayal, telling each story in separate chapters. They range from romantic to outright deceitful. The first tale of her husband’s grandmother has drama and beauty as we learn of her secret love. Generations on, the author’s son strays for different reasons.

Later in the book, Legge researches members of her own family, and shares memories of her parents and siblings. Although these are not tales about infidelity, they are just as intriguing. Then she turns the lens on both her life, and society in general.

There’s a lot that’s life affirming in this book.

At one point my husband thought I fell asleep on a flight home. He turned to see me staring into space after I read this passage:

“It is not our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become.”

Here, Legge quotes from Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Although my husband and I are monogamous, we’ve been tested like any couple. A younger friend keeps suggesting we should open our relationship, and we’ve all shared robust discussions for and against. Over our thirty-three years together, Warren and I have been hit on, mostly by younger men.

While learning we’re DILFs is not a lesson we were searching for, it’s a nice thing to know. Somehow, I explored Perel’s notion in one of my own novels where the main character comes to the conclusion I’ve always had. I like the age I am. I don’t need to search for my past.

Legge’s book also reaffirmed something my husband keeps saying.

Recently I’ve been disappointed in a friend for not accepting a golden job opportunity. It’s exactly what he wanted, yet he came up with unwarranted reasons not to take it. I got really angry at him because I’ve seen his potential. I wanted him to succeed and I thought a dose of tough love would work.

Warren kept telling me, it’s his life. He’s not our problem. As long as we’re happy together, that’s all that matters.

Legge comes to a similar conclusion. What’s beyond our control is something we all need to reconcile with. Friends and family are affected by circumstance, and their own decisions. Just as we are. We all must learn to dust ourselves off and move on.

I don’t read much non-fiction, but I’m glad I picked this one after seeing the author interviewed at the Sydney Writers Festival. I needed her calm contemplation as I head toward my sixties, while learning to let go.

[Alicia Gibbs · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would primarily describe this book as inconsistent. There were a couple of essays - namely, ‘Mother Who?’ and ‘A Room in My Heart’ - that I thought were phenomenal and will stay with me. Others I found just ‘meh’.

I listened to the audiobook, and although I enjoyed Legge’s reading, in hindsight I wish I’d read the physical book. There were certain sections I wanted to flick back to and immediately re-read, which is much harder to do with an audiobook. Also, after I was finished, I did actually source a copy of the e-book so I could send a particularly meaningful passage from the essay ‘Grandmotherdom’ to my Mum, and it was then that I discovered the structure of the chapters in a way that I hadn’t understood at all while listening. I was confused when Legge seemed to have finished the ‘Infidelity’ part of the story, and I was only a third of the way through the audiobook, but the next section (‘Birthmarks’) turned out to be my favourite. ‘Wisdom Spots’ felt the least cohesive, though it was not without some gems.

Overall, I’m glad I read this, but I would recommend specific essays rather than the book as a whole.

[Amy Polyreader · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half was incredibly compelling & I couldn’t put it down, the second half felt more like separate short stories. Overall the prose is incredible, clearly Legge is a wordsmith.

[Jillwilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ve been interested in the topic of infidelity from when I was quite young and first felt the confines of a monogamous relationship, when the initial lust and desire had worn off and then my boyfriend started to annoy me. I was young and couldn’t quite believe that I’d decided to settle down (FOREVER!) without really thinking about what that meant. We rattled along for about another year but we both know that it wouldn’t last. I loved Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity which explored some of the drivers of infidelity and the challenges of monogamy.

This book was inspired, if that is the word, after journalist Kate Legge discovered that her husband of several decades was having an affair with a close friend of Kates. She did not write the book immediately in the white-hot turmoil of grief, humiliation and anger but waited several years. The lapse in time provided space to think about etn reasons people have affairs and whether her husband’s infidelity had been influenced by the fact that his grandmother and his mother had both had extra marital affairs. Conservative estimates suggest that infidelity happens in 20-25 per cent of all marriages.

The reasons for an affair are individual but Legge lists some: “Drought in the marital bedroom, domestic accord, impulsiveness, insecure attachment, loneliness, neuroticism, narcissism, discontent, substance abuse, a desire for risk-taking, a quest for self-discovery, an escape from the monotony of monogamy.” Legge writes: “I gave no thought to the vein of betrayal coursing through my husband’s family. There was a story that his grandmother on his father’s side had also taken a lover. If I had done my homework, I would perhaps have been better prepared for the possibility that monogamy would pinch at my husband’s toes.”

SPOILER AHEAD

Legge delves back into her husband’s family history, writing about his grandmother Jean who lived in Broken Hill. “Just as in Legge’s own situation, where seemingly everyone knew about the affair but her, Jean’s lover (Roy) was common knowledge in the tiny town. Things came to a head when her son Colin (the father of Legge’s husband), full of rage, told his father about his mother’s affair. Colin was ejected from the family, while Roy too was booted out, to be tragically killed in war.” Actually the most powerful moment in this memoir comes at this point. Jean bequeathed a small wooden box to her whistleblower son Colin and after her death he received it. Inside was a note which said: “Colin. I always loved Roy.”

The second half of the book diverges into a set of essays about Legge and her life covering elelemnst like being a grandmother, what women do to their bodies to address aging, the impact of cliomate change, and the impact of the COVID lockdowns. To me they were not as interesting or engrossing as the first half which had a powerful emotional driver. These essays seemed like the kind of filler I often see in the Sunday Age magazine. I agreed with this reviewer: “These later essays lack the emotional honesty of the first one hundred pages – their insights are quotidian and hardly ground-breaking – and seem crudely tacked on to what is essentially a deft memoir of betrayal. Legge’s work would have benefited from a structural edit to develop a through-line binding the second half of the book to the first. Instead, the reader discovers early in the book the nature and outcome of her relationship with Hywood (and what he thinks of her writing this book, whose title he suggested), a denouement that signifies a natural conclusion to the work. As the work proceeds without this tension, the essays feel deflated, even rushed.” (https://www.australianbookreview.com....)

I also thought that this point was interesting: “But for all of the book’s balance, and despite the critical lens Legge applies, there is a blind spot. In making a case that infidelity is or can be an inherited trait, she reduces the influence of the people who don’t fit that thesis: the parents of a cheater who weren’t unfaithful, the chosen family or close friends that were, and the other significant relationships that can impact who we become.” (https://www.theguardian.com/books/202...)

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like the integrity of memoir as a genre has cropped up a bit lately. I mentioned it in my review of Unquiet (Ullmann classes her book as a blend of fiction and memoir) but before that, I was discussing it with a friend who saw Leslie Jamison speak about her memoir, Splinters , which focuses on the break-up of her marriage. I haven't read Splinters yet, but my friend said that Jamison emphasised the importance of not casting her ex wholly as the bad guy, that in memoir you had to show the 'good bits' as well, or risk losing the trust of your readers.

I had that in mind as I began journalist Kate Legge's memoir, Infidelity and Other Affairs . It's also about her marriage, which eventually ended after her husband had an affair. In terms of my curiosity about portraying the 'bad guys' in memoir, I was rewarded early in the book:

When he read an early draft of this story, he got up from the table and left the house to go for a walk. Too judgemental, was his response. He was right. He has strong views that buttress his behaviour and tame the guilt, and he's crafted a narrative to protect his character. I admire his unflinching tolerance of my blowtorch.

But props to Legge - for letting him read a first draft, and for (perhaps) responding to his feedback.

The first half of the book explores infidelity, both how it impacted her own marriage but also how infidelity could be traced through generations of her husband's family. The implication is 'do we inherit unfaithfulness'? It's an interesting idea, and Legge explores it from various angles, including drawing on material from infidelity gurus, Esther Perel and Dan Savage (although she notes that she didn't consult either of these specialists when '...infidelity mowed me down in the hallway of my home').

She begins with exploring the tyrannical nature of lust -

Nothing is sacred or beyond the pale once the wick is lit.

And moves on to the waves of emotion that hit her in the months that followed discovering her husband's affair.

Recovery from the blow of deceit often begins with the razor blade of revenge.

Legge didn't take revenge - despite the betrayal, she still loved her husband. They tried to salvage their marriage.

Distrust is a hard burden to shift and a burdensome guilt to shoulder.

In the second part of the book, Legge continues the theme of inheritance, and looks at mental health more broadly, focusing on her own brother, mother and an uncle. The last part of the book is made up of a handful of essays, topics ranging from owning cats and social media, to smoking pot and hiking.

Legge's writing is excellent - engaging and clear-sighted - but I sincerely wish it had been published as a short volume on infidelity. The essays at the end felt like filler - that's not to say they weren't interesting, but they were completely out-of-sync with the first half of the book. The flame fizzled out.

A last word on memory -

Memory is an unreliable magnifier. The bizarre and the unsettling sear themselves into our early consciousness. The splintered gate post. The shattered vase. The slap. The argument. The drunken tirade. The lipstick-smeared face. We are less likely to dwell on the benign lulls in between.

3/5

[Christian · Rating 2 out of 5]

………………….. what?

I don’t think I’ve come across a book that’s as confused about what it wants to be in a while. Or, maybe to be more fair, a book that was as poorly represented about what it was rambling towards. An ‘always available’ audiobook from my library, it seemed like a potentially interesting topic and I thought it might include interviews and some science or the like.

Instead, the first half ish looks at 4 generations of the authors husbands family, who each had affairs, taking a bit of a lens of “are affairs something intergenerationally learnt?” And that’s kinda interesting, if a bit anecdotal evidencey, and it was well written in bits. I kinda liked the approach of what matters most is respect between people, no matter what else may be going on elsewhere. Interesting enough. Probably a decent solid 2.5* for this section.

But then the rest of the book is random essays about members of the authors family, and then random other topics like ‘walking is good’ and ‘don’t pollute in nature’. And… there were still well written bits I guess, even if the occasional eye roll abounded. But. Given the title of the book, I kept waiting to see why we were hearing all about these people in her life. Like. It’s nice you appreciate them, but… Yeah, I really should have DNF’d, but I was honestly so confused as to if there was a point. In the end I wound up listening to the rest at 2x speed (speedrunning my eye rolls!) just to see if anything interesting would come up. Spoiler, it didn’t.

So. 1.5-2* here. First half ok, but probably worth DNF’ing after that unless you fall in love with her writing style.

[Otis · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's quite clear to see that Legge is an absolute artist when it comes to words. I did find myself rereading some passages simply because of how well they were phrased and the very deliberate choice of words. Beyond this however, I found this book to be meandering, pretentious and completely self indulgent.

I feel that this book is some sort of catharsis/therapy for Legge in dealing with her marriage breakdown (the first part of the book deals with this and is interesting enough). There are some interesting ideas about infidelity, but nothing too remarkable. I feel the main part of the problem with this book were my expectations going into it. The title and blurb are very misleading, as I believed I would be getting a journalistic style approach to infidelity/its causes/its effects/society etc, and unfortunately this book offers virtually none of these things.

The first main part/essay talks about the titular concept to some extent, but I don't really connect with the remainder of the book at all. Essentially, (with the exception of the essay about her brother) it is musings on a variety of uninteresting topics from a wealthy, upperclass and extremely privileged woman. Probably a good read for the over 50's Toorak divorcees club.

Would not recommend.

[Kacie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating memoirs is strange because it feels like you're judging another person's life and decisions, but really, you're just trying to evaluate their writing. Anyways:

The formatting of this book was very creative. Instead of just voicing personal grievances about the dissolution of a marriage and infidelity, the author spins a narrative of generational and inherited deviance. And then plays it off of her own family's inherited mental health problems, pinning in both families by the trauma they carry through the generations.

The writing was good, though I wasn't sure what to expect going in. If I had to nitpick past my excuse of "I'm not typically a memoir reader" for giving a three star, I think I'd say that a number of the middling chapters were unmemorable. I remember clearly the conversations about the authors mother and the early chapters, but everything between is a bit of a blur.

[Mira · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wish that Goodreads allowed a half star option! This was a 3.5 from me, and I perhaps enjoyed it more than the rating suggests. It was a lyrical, bitter, forgiving, and raw account of a family's multi-generational trauma; the poison, unfortunately, drips through. But so does the sweetness, especially in the second half of the book, as Legge moves through family pain to gentler musings on life, environmentalism, grandchildren, and a walking life, as prescribed by Henry David Thoreau.

Legge is comfortably of the boomer generation, and has gone through betrayal, childbirth, marriage and now retirement-this was a personal memoir, and I suspect that may throw a few people who expected more general essays on infidelity and its scientific and/or sociological underpinnings. However, if you give the book a chance, it can surprise you with its tenderness, and I think I will benefit from re-reading this, in time.

[Colin Mathers · Rating 5 out of 5]

My marriage also broke down due to my wife's long-term and secret affairs. I was curious to see what I thought of her approach to writing a memoir on such a topic. I found the first half of the book quite gripping. She explores the infidelity of four generations of her husband's family and meditates on the role of nature versus nurture in the tendency to be unfaithful. Of course, such evidence cannot prove one or the other is dominant, but it was a gripping read and she is an excellent writer who can bring people to life in words. The second part is almost a series of random essays on life after the breakup. But this builds a picture of her life now and how she has come to terms with what happened. Lots of wisdom here. I also have a friendly relationship now with my ex-wife, in part for the sake of the children. But I still found food for thought. Highly recommended.

[Dominique]

I picked up this one after listening to the Sydney Writer’s Festival podcast and hearing the interview with the author. I found the first half of the book fascinating on her husband’s infidelity, her son’s infidelity and the affairs running through her husband’s ancestors “like a fault line”. The second half of the book is more personal essays, many of which were interesting and enjoyable, but they weren’t really what I was expecting. I kept thinking the personal essays must be about to be followed up with more on the book’s key subject. I think this is partially a marketing problem, the book isn’t really marketed as containing personal essays on other subjects so the reader’s expectations aren’t aligned with the book. But it was a very interesting read.

[Anne Green · Rating 3 out of 5]

A frank and unflinching portrayal of how the author was affected by her husband's infidelity. It not only depicts her personal history but takes the subject of infidelity and examines it under a more analytical lens, posing the question of whether or not it may be inherited behaviour. This comprises the first half of the book and was engrossing. Legge's writing style is smooth, witty and imaginative. From this beginning however the book lost its compelling nature and devolved into a series of memoir/essays, which while interesting and intelligently thought out, were not anywhere near as engaging as the study of infidelity.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could not have loved this more. Kate Legge is a well known and highly respected Australian investigative journalist who was shocked to discover her husband’s long-term infidelity. This is an honest, highly readable, account of what she went through: the grief, the shock, the self-harm, the attempts to intellectualise the problem by researching his family history of infidelity, and above all her grace in forgiveness and rebuilding her life. Her reflections on family bonds, good deaths, disability, ageing and the joys of becoming a grandparent are honest and generous. Borrowed this from the library, begrudgingly returned it, and bought my own copy.

[Jan Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

In part 1 of the book, Kate moves between personal experience of her husband’s affair and those of other members of his family and more academic observations about hereditary links. I did find it confusing to keep up with the various generations. Surprisingly the second half becomes “other affairs” which are very well written essays on a range of topics. The book has almost too much to absorb and piece together and I was left with the feeling that she exposed only so much of herself, maybe being the journalist she is.

[Anne Murphy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Infidelity and Other Affairs offers an in depth exploration of infidelity a clear eyed study of unfaithful spouses and all the better for not detailing any salacious detail. The book's scope broadens as Kate Legge scrutinises her family history and relationships, I enjoyed reading this as memoir. She maintains a non-judgemental position even while shaking her family tree and demonstrating Faulkner's point that "The past is never dead. It's not even past."