The Faggiest Vampire

by Carlton Mellick III

Deep in The Land of Broodsarrow, just outside the village of Gneirwil, and high on a cliff overlooking the Everbleed Sea, there stands the faggiest gothic castle that any mortal being has ever seen. Living in this ancient faggy castle is none other than the well-renowned vampire, Dargoth Van Gloomfang. The citizenry of Broodsarrow sure has its share of faggy vampires, but old Dargoth has always been by far the faggiest of them all. That is, until a new vampire came to town. A younger, hippper vampire. One that emits such a grand amount of fagginess that one cannot help but be completely overwhelmed by his presence. Now Dargoth Van Gloomfang must figure out a way to out-shine this young newcomer if he wishes to ever reclaim his throne as . . . the faggiest vampire.

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Vampires, Fiction, Childrens, Horror, Humor, Comedy

99 pages, Paperback

First published March 27, 2009

About the author

Carlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.

Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.

Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.

He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.

In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.

In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.

Reviews

[Danger · Rating 4 out of 5]

A silly little bizarro kids book about mustaches and vampires and not being a dick to people. And there's PICTURES! I don't have a very impressive mustache. I'm not very faggy. Maybe some day.

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dargoth Van Gloomfang lives on a hill high above the village of Gneirwil, in an ancient gothic castle overlooking the Everbleed Sea. He is a portly little vampire, with a fragile hairline, the partially wrinkled eyes of a middle-aged man and the stubby legs of a middle-aged basset hound.

Other than the repeated use of the words faggy, fagginess, and faggiest, this book could most definitely be for children. There is no sex and no violence, not even any bloodsucking, as it is considered to be not a very dignified thing to do, and Dargoth would never want to dirty his gentleman's mustache with gross gooey blood. For you see, mustaches are kind of a big deal where this vampire comes from.



Every year, there is a Mustache Competition, and every year, Dargoth has won best 'stache in show. Until this year . . .

A popular, new kid vampire in town may steal Dargoth's thunder . . . and his award.

This is a cute, even, dare I say, sweet story about vampires, fagginess, party hats, and facial hair.


The tattooed, though surprisingly unmustachioed author.

[Edmund Colell · Rating 4 out of 5]

One may be forgiven for thinking that weird examples of facial hair are among some pantheon of bizarro deities, especially when books like Carlton Mellick III's The Faggiest Vampire roll around. Mustaches are everywhere in Broodsarrow, having become an epidemic thought to either be caused by bacteria or by the charismatic Dargoth Van Gloomfang, the faggiest vampire in the land. This title sounds far less like an insult when swapping "faggy" for "suave," which is exactly how the word "faggy" functions in the world of this book.

And fagginess must be upheld, especially for Dargoth, who takes great care of his imperial mustache through the services of his human servant, Rococo. Unfortunately for Dargoth, there is another vampire who has come along to suck all the fagginess out of him and overthrow his seat of fagginess - Baron Van Ravengraves, the vampire with faggy modern-era dress and a pencil mustache thinner than any Dargoth has ever seen. With the mustache competition forthcoming, the rivalry between the two vampires provides the conflict for the story as they sabotage each other and strive for supreme fagginess. The whimsical plot and narrative oftentimes brought me into a state of mind where Stephen Fry was narrating the story, and the feeling was certainly helped by the doughy and swirly illustrations. All in all, a pleasant experience that provides a convincing argument that current children's fiction is still worth reading.

However, I can't help but get the feeling that there are far more adults than children reading this book. While the narration and plot certainly don't fall anywhere out of acceptable fare, the title will certainly bring out a knee-jerk reaction from concerned parents not familiar with bizarro. It's true that kids lingering in the 6-12 age bracket would love the title (knowing how me and my friends were back then), but it's hard to sneak this one by parents when the best way to buy it is through Amazon on a card.
As for any issues with the story itself, I do find it a bit odd that Rococo's hand-made party hat hoarding is brought up and never quite resolved, left only to a certain act of betrayal by his master. The hats are used again later on, but the actual act of hoarding his creations could have been a pretty good plot point if it had time to develop.

A faggy good time with little getting in the way of telling a charming story, even if the choice of title makes it more available to an older demographic.

[Rose O'Keefe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is the latest release from Spunk Goblin, an imprint of Eraserhead Press. The books I am publishing on Spunk Goblin are children's books for adults (or kids with open minded parents).

This book is written like a Roald Dahl book, it's funny and clever. It's all about maintaining a positive attitude in the face of adversity and believing in yourself. It's also about a mustache competition.

I absolutely love this book. I want every kid I know to read this book. It's the only Carlton Mellick III book that has ever made me cry. It is such a sweet, funny, adorable story.

[Fuzzy Gerdes · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Faggiest Vampire has the subtitle "A Children's Story". And the crazy thing is, it is. And it's a good one. It's just... that word. They use that word a lot through the book. And, in the book, it's a good word. Vampires really want to be faggy. It's just... you know. That word.

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd better start off by saying that the word "faggiest" as used in this book is not derogatory in any way. Here it would be synonymous with "coolest" or some other complimentary term.

It is the story of a vampire named Dargoth Van Gloomfang, who is preparing to defend his title as The Faggiest Vampire by winning Broodsarrow's annual mustache competition and must face a challenge from the upstart vampire Baron Van Ravengraves.

If you've read Carlton Mellick III's other books, you probably would not expect his to write a children's book. But he did and it is a great one! It is weird, funny and points out the virtues of friendship and compassion (though not in a preachy way at all). I would have loved it as a kid -- and I love it as an adult!

[Peter Derk · Rating 3 out of 5]

I mean...you either laugh or you don't. And just in case you're wondering, "faggy" is used in a very different context here. In fact, I'm not even really sure what the context is. It's sort of the same word, sort of different. Hard to describe.

This was something I purchased, more than anything, because it was on the shelf at Barnes&Noble, and that is the sort of thing I like to see. How the hell does this end up at Barnes&Noble? Who knows? But now they have to order another.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I was walking out of the hotel for Scares That Care I passed Brian Keene. He was carrying a stack of books. He handed this one to me. I've only read one Mellick book before this and I really enjoyed it. This one is kind of a warped children's story, complete with illustrations, about a vampire mustache contest. It was clever and filled with laugh out loud funny lines. A very feel good story. It's time I really start digging into Mellick's work.

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very entertaining book by CMIII. This is a tale of a vampire hoping to retain his crown as faggiest and best mustachioed vampire in the land. Alas, he does not play fair and loses both titles.

I thought this was a well written book and does it's job of imparting a good lesson to children.

[Andrew Shaffer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Other than that title, this is quite the charming children’s story.

[Lizzardicus Spork · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a huge sucker for Mellick...and still a huge sucker for "kid books"...so of course I just HAD to see Mellick do his thing with a "kid book". And, of course, I wasn't disappointed.
I mean, a kid book with vampires and you've pretty much already got me sold at the gate, anyway. Lol
And the names...The Land of Broodsarrow, Dargoth Van Gloomfang, Lars Van Broadchin, Tooth Van Bladeblood, Rain Van Razorwind, and Doomstorm the vampire bulldog with a spiked leather collar...
I mean, it just doesn't get any better than that. 🤣👏
Pfft, and of course the story is good! This is Mellick we're talking about here.

[Allison · Rating 1 out of 5]

A resounding "meh" on this one. Given the author, the title, and the send up of hipsters and vampires, I hoped for a lot more in the way of humorous satire. This fell completely flat for me. It's not even worth defending the use of the word "faggy."

[Steve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ridiculous, and might even be appropriate for children. Maybe. Very silly children.

[Wade Walker · Rating 1 out of 5]

My partner received this book from his friend as sort of a gag gift (because we're gay -- har-dee har har!). I didn't know what to make of it and just shelved it. But I needed a few quick reads to catch up on my reading challenge, so I read it. It was mostly just a satirical take on modern-day trends (in this case, mustaches and mustache art competitions). I guess the author (whom I will assume is straight) finds people who are into this very niche hobby to be lame and uncool (aka: "faggy"), but he redirects his cynicism by using the word oppositely in this book to mean suave or debonair. Which is fine -- whatever floats your boat (I don't disagree that facial hair trends among men in the last fifteen years or so have been a bit odd). I admit that I chuckled a few times just because of the ridiculousness of the usage (and the word doesn't offend me, so have at it). But out of curiosity, I did a search and apparently there is a whole genre of books like this known as "Bizarro" novels, the most famous one by this author being titled The Haunted Vagina. Yikes. Again...whatever. I'm one book closer to my 2025 goal.

[GreenMother · Rating 4 out of 5]

'The Faggiest Vampire' is a tale of love, loss, pain, redemption, and triumph. It is a story that is an ode to mustachery and a sonnet to fagginess. It even has illustrations the likes of which may make one weep.

While you may choose to have this as a children's book, let me be clear, there is violence and betrayal within. The Faggiest Vampire Dargoth Van Gloomfang will do anything to keep himself as the reigning mustachio. He takes extreme pride in his imperial mustache that he will even hurt the one person who believes in him the most.

In the end who will be the faggiest and who will have the best mustache in Broodsarrow? Well, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you...


I very much enjoyed this book and while it won't be for everyone, I recommend it to anyone who enjoys party hats, mustaches, or bulldogs.

[Brett Burkhardt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a great message about keeping your head held high and doing what you enjoy and also a warning about how being too obsessed with being trendy and popular can be destructive.

[Madeline Goldsworthy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting and entertaining read, I definitely recommend giving it a go, there are some positive messages in the story and some nice illustrations. The story is out there though lol

[Hannah Gregory · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book on a whim and I am so glad I did. It is so silly and just absolutely different. I honestly think about this book at least once a week and smile.

[Eric Wurm · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is no point to this vile trash. It isn't funny or clever. I can't imagine why paper was wasted to print this nonsense.

[Teresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

So...this one is a really hard one to review. I absolutely loved it, and if I had a kid, I would not hesitate to read it to them. However, I do feel as though I'd probably censor the word 'faggy' and all its derivations. Basically, the book has several really important and awesome 'life-lessons' if you will. Like when Dargoth shaved Baron's moustache off. He immediately knew that Baron would exact revenge upon him in some way and basically learned first-hand that lesson all of our parents tried to teach us a children- "Two wrongs do not make a right." And yes, 'faggy' is used as a compliment of the utmost sense throughout this book. I kinda feel like it is 'taking the power back' from the word; like making it a 'what's the big deal'? type of word. In that sense, I feel as though it would lose its power as an ugly word. A bully calls another kid a fag, and that kid has read this book (totally hypothetical, obviously- I doubt this book has ever been read by a kid). That kid figures 'What's the big deal? Being a fag is a GREAT thing! Like the greatest!' But on the completely opposite end of the spectrum, I would not want my child (you know, the child I don't have cause I have no children) going around complimenting people by yelling "You're the absolute faggiest there ever was!!!" Just imagine the fallout from that little scenario...

Political correctness aside (which, come on...it's CMIII- what did you think you were gonna get???), I thought the book was a super fun way of blowing an hour or so. I loved the illustrations and the story, too. I thought it was a pretty solid storyline for a 100 page illustrated book. It is the closest thing out there to a Bizarro children's book, so I guess that kinda gives you more to go on than anything else I could say...

[Alice · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this as a birthday present, from someone who doesn't usually get my weird and quirky things. I'm glad she went with her gut, though. I thought it was cute and funny (not ha-ha funny, just the chuckle quietly to yourself way), and I loved the illustrations.

It's billed as a children's novel, and it has a fairly simple, straightforward storyline that I think children would enjoy. But it seems like it was written to be the sort of thing parents wouldn't mind reading again and again and again to children at bedtime. It's entertaining, and kind of fun to say, "faggiest."

Lest anyone worry about the use of "fag" as a pejorative, rest assured that it's meant as a synonym for coolest, most emulated, most well-liked. I thought it was an interesting word choice, framing it in such positive terms. Definitely bumped the book up a star.

[Chanelle Berlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book by Carlton Mellick III because of the unexpected title and then because the reviews said that "faggiest" was used in place of words like "most interesting" and "best," etc. It's a children's story, and it is amusing and adorable.

Dargoth Van Gloomfang is the faggiest, and thus most celebrated, vampire in Broodsarrow, and he has a human servant named Rococo. (Rococo!) Things get a little messy when a younger, hipper vampire from Los Angeles shows up to try steal Dargoth's glory.

I started out wondering what the message of this would be, and then realized that, duh, I was focused on the wrong aspects. Because the point of this book is to trust that you're wonderful.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Faggy vampires seem to be all the rage these days, and I've always been one to cut to the quick so I picked this book up. From the title and Mellick's reputation, you would expect a lampoon of children's book - but there is no parody here. It's a straight-up children's book that you aren't going to read to your child (it's much more likely to bore than corrupt a kid). It's an ok story, although I suspect it was much more fun to write and illustrate than it is to read. Enjoying the book really depends on accepting that and deciding to be in on the joke (and not being too offended by the use of the word 'faggiest').

[Natalie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I almost feel bad for giving this book a two. I enjoyed the illustrations but even as a kid I would have hated the story.

George Bernard Shaw said "Make it a rule never to give a child a book you would not read yourself."

Guess I'll have to pass this on to a grown up. I wanted to like it, I really did, but in the end, I didn't.

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is not as shocking as it seems. Replace "faggiest" with "hippest" or "coolest" and you have just a regular book for kids ages 6-10. What it lacks in shock value, it does make up for in cuteness and humor. But, there is still a slight sense of loss that comes along when you realize that this book isn't what you were expecting.

[Rhonda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Book 2 completed of the readathon. I've read some of Mellick's work before and really enjoyed it. This one isn't one of my faves by him. I knew the book was aimed more at kids, but it still wasn't quite what I was expecting when going into the book. That probably made me enjoy the book a little less than I would any other time.

[James · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was pretty horrid. The writing was very childish, the story was just ridiculous, and... there's not really a good thing I can say about it. The end of it had a bit of a plus when he ended up happy when he had been so miserable, but... that's just not enough. That could have been accomplished a million different (and better) ways.

[Jess-i-ca]

[Terri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Adorable tale of the Faggiest vampire in town who is threatened by his new you neighbor who posses his own high level of fagginess. THeir feud reaches terrible acts and leaves a surprise new faggy vampire to usurp the title. Charming

[Chantel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny and entertaining book with a good lesson. I know some people don't like the use of the work "faggiest" in this book, but it is meant to mean that someone is cool or well-liked. It was a quick and enjoyable read, a great little book!