Click or Clash?: Discover the new connection and compatibility types that will transform your relationships – in love, friendship and work

by Ali Walker

Our lives are filled with relationships and daily interactions. They form a vital part of our wellbeing. But very few of us understand how we connect best, who we are really compatible with, and why.

From the workplace, to friendships old and new, to family, to dating and long-term romantic partners, this groundbreaking book will explain and transform all of the connections in your life – the clicks and the clashes.

Using her unique Connection Type model, human connection scientist Dr Ali Walker reveals the tools for understanding your personal connection style and those of others, recognising who you are compatible with, and strengthening your sense of belonging.

Prepare to

- the 17 connection types – including yours
- your individual frequency and intensity preferences
- why you bond easily with some people but have friction with others
- how we make friends and fall in love
- the four types of belonging (and how to achieve them)
- the three types of loneliness (and how to avoid them)
- how to communicate in true alignment with who you are.

Based on fascinating new research, and filled with real-life examples and practical advice, Click or Clash? is for anyone seeking healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships of any kind.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help

329 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 17, 2023

Reviews

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

It feels dismissive to simply rate this five stars. It deserves much more than that. I honestly and firmly believe every individual could benefit from reading this book, or even just sections applicable to them (though it will 'come together' more when read in full).

I am so grateful to have come across this book, buying it on a whim. Best chance purchase I've ever made. It's helped me to feel understood. As someone who experiences emotions on an 'intense' scale, yet requires regular intervals away from people, I've often felt confused and frustrated in navigating my social realm. Finally, what feels like word for word, someone has been able to describe my social 'type' and I can understand and practically apply what I've learned from this book - how to seek compatible connections, and how to maintain the connections I have. It's also given me incentive to actively seek more connections in my life, for my own general wellbeing.

I would recommend anyone give this a go, but particularly those who have felt any kind of misunderstood in their social universe. If you have ever felt like you 'give too much' in relationships, or find yourself withdrawing from a loved one when you feel socially/emotionally overloaded, give! this! book! a go!!

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Remember doing those personality quizzes from magazines when you were a kid with your friends? This is it, but better because there's actually substance to it.

It provides an insight to yourself, and any relationship/interaction you've had.

I mostly appreciated learning that 'clashes' were less about me, and more about how people bond differently. Very interesting and very much recommended.

[Shelley Kinash · Rating 2 out of 5]

The connection matrix of frequency and intensity is clever and insightful. However the model is overly simplistic. There are many other domains which should be in this model such as value alignment, motivation and self/other-focus. There is brief mention of research but needs to feature more strongly. The long descriptions of each ‘type’ are tedious and essentialist.

[Silv · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would probably give it a 3.5, because it was informative, but a bit hard to go through, and I still am not sure of my connection type.

I feel it was written for neurotypicals only, and most of the phrasing and description of the different types (and also the test questions) were vague, and so could apply to anyone, or are things that we all experience (and here's the spiel) under certain conditions. So when I was asked if I enjoy talking about deep subjects, I do, but only with people I feel safe with, in a small circle of friends, if I slept well, and all these other variables that are not covered by "all the time", "sometimes" or "not at all". I don't know how often I do this, that's not the pattern that makes a difference to me, it's other metrics that are not being considered, but are equally important imo. And I'm not a shapeshifter either, even the traumatised kind, so I'm not sure if this test can be used to determine or predict how we interact with others. It's a very neurotypical thing to do to think you can reduce people to simple patterns and fit them neatly into a certain box.

Anyway, I liked that she briefly touched on trauma, and that I now know the difference between affective and cognitive empathy. Even if I couldn't place myself in any of the types, I can use the different advice from each if them to apply to the particular parts of my personality that need them. A big one was boundaries, which I think she mentioned for water types and shapeshifters. Boundaries and prioritising my wellbeing.

I really liked the first part where she's talking about how important connections are in our lives, and not just for our sense of belonging or mental and physical health, but in a social sense: connections can make our lives easier or more difficult. You can find a job or a house or get access to services easier through the connections in your life than if you were to follow the "official" route. And again I noticed a bias towards neurotypicality and social rank which I noticed irl before, but didn't process until Dr. Walker put it like that. And it's kind of disheartening, but useful to be aware of.

So yeah, I guess what I would like to see in future studies and behaviour models is neurodiversity and different ways of interacting being taken into account. It rubbed me the wrong way that she kept praising (probably unwittingly, because she is one) light types with their amazing eye contact and perpetual smiles and whatever, when that isn't how everyone shows attention or affection. I honestly think neurotypicals need to realise they too are a connection type, and not the model.

[Evelien Jong · Rating 2 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook. The author's voice is engaging and pleasant to listen to. This book started out strong and promising. Once the basics were laid down in the first few chapters, I found that this book became incredibly repetitive. In my opinion, this book could have been shortened to 1-2 hours. I did find it interesting to learn about the connection types and how people click when their frequency and intensity of speech matches. I also learned that being a light type, I like to connect through talking about deep emotional stuff whilst that is overwhelming for others. Just because someone has a different connection style doesn't mean they dislike you. My other critcism would be that I am opposed to "boxing people in" as every human being is unique. Sure, some of the traits matched my true personality type, but not all. 2.5 star for me.

[Jill Marley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Orinally, I borrowed this book from the library following an author talk I wasn't able to attend. After reading it, I purchased two more copies for my family to read.
So much of life is gleaned from our interactions with others. We've all known people we warm to instantly, others who irritate or cause us to be wary of. This book is chock full of examples you'd recognise. It shows us truths we've known instinctively. Identifies ways to understand those traits that annoy and gives tools for us to communicate better. I suggest scanning the code on the inside cover to complete a few questions online about identifying yourself on her scale, and receive an email so the book makes sense from your perspective. Some fascinating research.

[Nipun Kumaragama · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now I can empathise with the person who wants to discuss the weather, rather than wanting to off myself. They are simply a low intensity person and I am a high intensity person. I did skip a lot of the content because there is a lot of detail on all the different connection and compatibility types and there is no way I am going to remember all those nuances. It kind of felt like I was reading horoscopes which made me feel icky, even with the knowledge that it had a scientific backbone. But the underlying framework is neat and sufficient. 

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn't read the blurb or the subtitle so was a bit put off when it seemed to be an ad for a new personality quiz - I love personality quizzes but hate ads, so this made the first 2/3 of the book difficult to get through. I found the last few chapters had some good general advice/insights about clicks and clashes, which was good and why I decided to pick up the book in the first place. Definitely read a little bit about the book before starting!

[Nellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard Dr Ali talk about her book on a podcast and it piqued my interest! I really enjoyed completing the personality test and analysing the results. I also managed to convince family members to do the same! I enjoyed this book because it provided context on both my behaviours and those of others. This book reminds the reader of the importance of identifying and addressing key triggers to become a continually evolving best-self.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun new framework to think about why you connect with some pple versus not; I found it quite interesting!