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Bisexual Men Exist: A Handbook for Bisexual, Pansexual and M-Spec Men
"You're just being greedy."
"Are you sure you're not gay?"
"Pick a side."
Being a bisexual man isn't easy - something Vaneet Mehta knows all too well. After spending more than a decade figuring out his identity, Vaneet's coming out was met with questioning, ridicule and erasure. This experience inspired Vaneet to create the viral #BisexualMenExist campaign, combatting the hate and scepticism m-spec (multi-gender attracted spectrum) men encounter, and helping others who felt similarly alone and trapped.
This powerful book is an extension of that fight. Navigating a range of topics, including coming out, dating, relationships and health, Vaneet shares his own lived experience as well as personal stories from others in the community to help validate and uplift other bisexual men. Discussing the treatment of m-spec men in LGBTQ+ places, breaking down stereotypes and highlighting the importance of representation and education, this empowering book is a rallying call for m-spec men everywhere.
"Are you sure you're not gay?"
"Pick a side."
Being a bisexual man isn't easy - something Vaneet Mehta knows all too well. After spending more than a decade figuring out his identity, Vaneet's coming out was met with questioning, ridicule and erasure. This experience inspired Vaneet to create the viral #BisexualMenExist campaign, combatting the hate and scepticism m-spec (multi-gender attracted spectrum) men encounter, and helping others who felt similarly alone and trapped.
This powerful book is an extension of that fight. Navigating a range of topics, including coming out, dating, relationships and health, Vaneet shares his own lived experience as well as personal stories from others in the community to help validate and uplift other bisexual men. Discussing the treatment of m-spec men in LGBTQ+ places, breaking down stereotypes and highlighting the importance of representation and education, this empowering book is a rallying call for m-spec men everywhere.
252 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 19, 2023
25 people are currently reading
442 people want to read
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December 5, 2023
the title for this book should’ve been “biphobia exists: a handbook on mspec discrimination”
content/trigger warnings; mentions or discussions of mspecphobia (biphobia, panphobia, monosexism), homophobia, lesbophobia, transphobia, terfism, cissexism, aphobia (acephobia, arophobia, allonormativity, amatonormativity), hiv/aids, stds/stis, racism, colonialization, ableism, sex, slut shaming, misogyny, toxic masculinity, religion, hate crimes, coming out, outing, queerphobic rejection from family, workplace/school discrimination, medical discrimination, homelessness, poverty, death threats, depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal ideation,
this book is entirely detailing biphobia, with a slight lean toward the biphobia bisexual men experience. which isn’t in and of itself a bad thing, but it isn’t really what the book was marketed as. it’s just example after example, statistic after statistic, of bad, biphobic experiences. not only does it make it a drag to get through, but it paints the picture that being bisexual is a wholly negative experience. this shit happens, but it isn’t the only thing bisexual people experience. being bisexual is so much more than being hated for being bisexual. and it’s a shame that the author didn’t spend an equal amount of time on that.
(i’m saying bisexual here because even though the author consistently uses mspec throughout the book as the umbrella term, rather than bisexual or bi+, bisexual is still the only mspec label that is mentioned specifically and used in examples, bisexual people and texts are the only ones quoted, and bisexual statistics are the only ones referenced. and it’s not because those things for other mspec people don’t exist. the author did exactly what he was criticizing; “exclusion by inclusion” where inclusive language is used but the actual content of the material is not inclusive. which is why i dislike the bisexual umbrella in the first place, so this author using mspec in that manner while criticizing when it’s done to bisexuals is particularly disappointing. the author even says “bisexual and mspec” several times...even when you’re using mspec as an umbrella term, you have to tack bisexual ahead of it? what’s the point?)
other criticisms i have: it’s very repetitive; i don’t like the approach of just having statistics thrown at me; the mental health section only addresses depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation; the intersectionality chapter only addresses race, trans identity, and aspec identity; i don’t agree with the idea of monosexual privilege, especially as shiri eisner applies it, who the author quotes; the author comes off a little judgmental of gay men who first come out as bisexual; while talking about straight men who have had sex with men, the author says they “see themselves as straight even if their behavior points to other identities” which is incredibly invalidating language; i’m tired of the “mspec people are uniquely oppressed because they experience -phobia both in and out of the community” narrative, because that’s not unique at all, all queer people, especially trans and aspec people, experience that.
my biggest issue: the representation chapter is terrible and offensive. it’s all about “bad” representation, specifically biphobic tropes. five tropes are discussed and eight examples are given; “no bisexuals” trope (willow, buffy the vampire slayer, 1990s; teddy, 90210, 2008), “ambiguously bi” trope (eleanor, the good place, 2016), “just an experiment” trope (adrianna, 90210, 2008; blaine, glee, 2011), “anything that moves” trope (todd, scrubs, 2006), “depraved bisexual” trope (kathryn, cruel intentions, 1999; rose, get out, 2017). all of these represent real experiences real queer people have, which the author acknowledges. but how does it make sense to say something is a real experience real queer people have while arguing it’s harmful to depict it in media?
you can’t say having genuine different gender relationships or believing you’re straight then realizing you’re gay/lesbian (willow and teddy) is a real valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. you can’t say gay/lesbian or straight people experimenting with their sexuality and realizing they are gay/lesbian or straight after all (adrianna and blaine) is a real valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. you can’t say not labeling your mspec attraction (eleanor) is a real and valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. you can’t say being promiscuous or flirtatious (todd) is a real and valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. queer experiences are nuanced and varied, and that should be reflected in our representation.
if you want to showcase mspecphobia in media you could highlight the mistreatment, erasure, or misrepresentation of canonical mspec characters, rather than basically just arguing it’s mspecphobic for characters to not be mspec because it’s a “missed opportunity” for mspec representation. it’s actually really offensive to other queer people to say their representation is bad because it would’ve been better for you. all representation is important. instead of arguing it’s mspecphobic for characters to realize they’re gay/lesbian after having “genuine” different gender relationships or “not exploring the idea prior by showing them dealing with compulsory heterosexuality,” focus on the reasoning behind the writing choices.
blaine being curious while drunk then reaffirming his gayness once sober in and of itself isn’t harmful. kurt’s unchallenged biphobic reaction is. (ryan murphy saying blaine is important gay representation is not biphobic because “there was already a gay character”. gay representation does not depreciate with quantity.) willow having “genuine” relationships with guys before realizing she’s a lesbian in and of itself isn’t harmful. joss whedon not wanting to deal with a biphobic reaction and erasing bisexuality from the narrative is. focus on that instead of arguing mspec representation is more important than gay representation and gatekeeping how gay characters are allowed to be portrayed.
it’s 2023, where is the nuance and depth? not only in how you analyze queer representation but in how you argue your point. saying these things are harmful generalizations because they’re constantly portrayed, but then only giving one or two examples just doesn’t cut it. the author could’ve also listed a bunch of other characters that fit each trope to drive home how common they are, and stressed that the actual experience being depicted isn’t what’s harmful, but it being the only or most common experience portrayed is. the author also could’ve detailed responses to those storylines that showcase how they impacted people’s view of mspec identity/people and sexuality in general. the author’s approach kind of amounts to “because i said so.”
it’s absolutely true that mspec people having representation in media is incredibly important and can help people discover their mspec identity, have the language to put to their mspec identity, know how they’re feeling isn’t wrong, and know they aren’t alone. however, queer representation is not a zero sum game. gay and lesbian folks getting representation is not taking representation away from mspec people. and honestly, there is so much more mspec representation than there used to be. we are beyond being able to argue that mspec representation doesn’t exist and when it does it’s only harmful depictions. our representation has grown and evolved with time, so why hasn’t this conversation?
and isn’t it just as important to highlight and celebrate the mspec representation that exists and is considered “positive” or “good” as it is to address lack of representation and harmful depictions? why is so much time always dedicated to negativity? the author briefly lists six mspec characters from four show as examples of “good” mspec representation, four bisexual characters (rosa, brooklyn nine-nine; adam and petra, jane the virgin; adam, sex education) and two pansexual characters (david*, schitt’s creek; ola, sex education). also when discussing positive representation, the author only mentions bisexual specific online content. as someone who has been creating content, largely education focused, on pansexuality for years, it’s annoying for bisexual people’s contributions to always be centered, often to the erasure of that of others.
(*the author says david rose “doesn’t explicitly state his pansexuality, instead opting for a wine analogy where he states he ‘likes the wine, not the label’” and i am so tired of people lying about david rose!!!!! david’s pansexuality is explicitly stated on the show with the word!!! like, did you get your information from julia shaw, who also claims in her book that david’s pansexuality is not named on screen with the word? it’s interesting how chapters on the importance of representation erase the fact that david’s pansexuality is named on screen.)
and lastly, after detailing how these depictions are harmful and bad, the author briefly touches on how questionable the categorization of queer representation as “good” or “bad” is, mainly quoting shiri eisner talking about how acceptable representation is based around respectability and uniformity and centers non-mspec people’s perception and opinion of mspec people over authentically representing mspec people. which is absolutely true. (i also wish it had been mentioned how queer people sometimes overcorrect when people hold up certain representation as “good” by then slamming that representation as “sanitized,” seemingly forgetting the entire point of there not being one queer experience.) but this whole aside at the end kind of contradicts everything the author had been arguing; that these depictions in and of themselves are harmful and bad. along with all the author’s repeated “but this experience is real for people and that’s valid” for each trope, it feels like an afterthought or empty platitude more than an attempt to have a nuanced conversation.
all in all, not really my cup of tea. but i appreciate the effort the be inclusive in the use of mspec and the acknowledgment of bi dot org’s panphobia.
content/trigger warnings; mentions or discussions of mspecphobia (biphobia, panphobia, monosexism), homophobia, lesbophobia, transphobia, terfism, cissexism, aphobia (acephobia, arophobia, allonormativity, amatonormativity), hiv/aids, stds/stis, racism, colonialization, ableism, sex, slut shaming, misogyny, toxic masculinity, religion, hate crimes, coming out, outing, queerphobic rejection from family, workplace/school discrimination, medical discrimination, homelessness, poverty, death threats, depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicidal ideation,
this book is entirely detailing biphobia, with a slight lean toward the biphobia bisexual men experience. which isn’t in and of itself a bad thing, but it isn’t really what the book was marketed as. it’s just example after example, statistic after statistic, of bad, biphobic experiences. not only does it make it a drag to get through, but it paints the picture that being bisexual is a wholly negative experience. this shit happens, but it isn’t the only thing bisexual people experience. being bisexual is so much more than being hated for being bisexual. and it’s a shame that the author didn’t spend an equal amount of time on that.
(i’m saying bisexual here because even though the author consistently uses mspec throughout the book as the umbrella term, rather than bisexual or bi+, bisexual is still the only mspec label that is mentioned specifically and used in examples, bisexual people and texts are the only ones quoted, and bisexual statistics are the only ones referenced. and it’s not because those things for other mspec people don’t exist. the author did exactly what he was criticizing; “exclusion by inclusion” where inclusive language is used but the actual content of the material is not inclusive. which is why i dislike the bisexual umbrella in the first place, so this author using mspec in that manner while criticizing when it’s done to bisexuals is particularly disappointing. the author even says “bisexual and mspec” several times...even when you’re using mspec as an umbrella term, you have to tack bisexual ahead of it? what’s the point?)
other criticisms i have: it’s very repetitive; i don’t like the approach of just having statistics thrown at me; the mental health section only addresses depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation; the intersectionality chapter only addresses race, trans identity, and aspec identity; i don’t agree with the idea of monosexual privilege, especially as shiri eisner applies it, who the author quotes; the author comes off a little judgmental of gay men who first come out as bisexual; while talking about straight men who have had sex with men, the author says they “see themselves as straight even if their behavior points to other identities” which is incredibly invalidating language; i’m tired of the “mspec people are uniquely oppressed because they experience -phobia both in and out of the community” narrative, because that’s not unique at all, all queer people, especially trans and aspec people, experience that.
my biggest issue: the representation chapter is terrible and offensive. it’s all about “bad” representation, specifically biphobic tropes. five tropes are discussed and eight examples are given; “no bisexuals” trope (willow, buffy the vampire slayer, 1990s; teddy, 90210, 2008), “ambiguously bi” trope (eleanor, the good place, 2016), “just an experiment” trope (adrianna, 90210, 2008; blaine, glee, 2011), “anything that moves” trope (todd, scrubs, 2006), “depraved bisexual” trope (kathryn, cruel intentions, 1999; rose, get out, 2017). all of these represent real experiences real queer people have, which the author acknowledges. but how does it make sense to say something is a real experience real queer people have while arguing it’s harmful to depict it in media?
you can’t say having genuine different gender relationships or believing you’re straight then realizing you’re gay/lesbian (willow and teddy) is a real valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. you can’t say gay/lesbian or straight people experimenting with their sexuality and realizing they are gay/lesbian or straight after all (adrianna and blaine) is a real valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. you can’t say not labeling your mspec attraction (eleanor) is a real and valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. you can’t say being promiscuous or flirtatious (todd) is a real and valid experience, then say it’s harmful to mspec people to depict that. queer experiences are nuanced and varied, and that should be reflected in our representation.
if you want to showcase mspecphobia in media you could highlight the mistreatment, erasure, or misrepresentation of canonical mspec characters, rather than basically just arguing it’s mspecphobic for characters to not be mspec because it’s a “missed opportunity” for mspec representation. it’s actually really offensive to other queer people to say their representation is bad because it would’ve been better for you. all representation is important. instead of arguing it’s mspecphobic for characters to realize they’re gay/lesbian after having “genuine” different gender relationships or “not exploring the idea prior by showing them dealing with compulsory heterosexuality,” focus on the reasoning behind the writing choices.
blaine being curious while drunk then reaffirming his gayness once sober in and of itself isn’t harmful. kurt’s unchallenged biphobic reaction is. (ryan murphy saying blaine is important gay representation is not biphobic because “there was already a gay character”. gay representation does not depreciate with quantity.) willow having “genuine” relationships with guys before realizing she’s a lesbian in and of itself isn’t harmful. joss whedon not wanting to deal with a biphobic reaction and erasing bisexuality from the narrative is. focus on that instead of arguing mspec representation is more important than gay representation and gatekeeping how gay characters are allowed to be portrayed.
it’s 2023, where is the nuance and depth? not only in how you analyze queer representation but in how you argue your point. saying these things are harmful generalizations because they’re constantly portrayed, but then only giving one or two examples just doesn’t cut it. the author could’ve also listed a bunch of other characters that fit each trope to drive home how common they are, and stressed that the actual experience being depicted isn’t what’s harmful, but it being the only or most common experience portrayed is. the author also could’ve detailed responses to those storylines that showcase how they impacted people’s view of mspec identity/people and sexuality in general. the author’s approach kind of amounts to “because i said so.”
it’s absolutely true that mspec people having representation in media is incredibly important and can help people discover their mspec identity, have the language to put to their mspec identity, know how they’re feeling isn’t wrong, and know they aren’t alone. however, queer representation is not a zero sum game. gay and lesbian folks getting representation is not taking representation away from mspec people. and honestly, there is so much more mspec representation than there used to be. we are beyond being able to argue that mspec representation doesn’t exist and when it does it’s only harmful depictions. our representation has grown and evolved with time, so why hasn’t this conversation?
and isn’t it just as important to highlight and celebrate the mspec representation that exists and is considered “positive” or “good” as it is to address lack of representation and harmful depictions? why is so much time always dedicated to negativity? the author briefly lists six mspec characters from four show as examples of “good” mspec representation, four bisexual characters (rosa, brooklyn nine-nine; adam and petra, jane the virgin; adam, sex education) and two pansexual characters (david*, schitt’s creek; ola, sex education). also when discussing positive representation, the author only mentions bisexual specific online content. as someone who has been creating content, largely education focused, on pansexuality for years, it’s annoying for bisexual people’s contributions to always be centered, often to the erasure of that of others.
(*the author says david rose “doesn’t explicitly state his pansexuality, instead opting for a wine analogy where he states he ‘likes the wine, not the label’” and i am so tired of people lying about david rose!!!!! david’s pansexuality is explicitly stated on the show with the word!!! like, did you get your information from julia shaw, who also claims in her book that david’s pansexuality is not named on screen with the word? it’s interesting how chapters on the importance of representation erase the fact that david’s pansexuality is named on screen.)
and lastly, after detailing how these depictions are harmful and bad, the author briefly touches on how questionable the categorization of queer representation as “good” or “bad” is, mainly quoting shiri eisner talking about how acceptable representation is based around respectability and uniformity and centers non-mspec people’s perception and opinion of mspec people over authentically representing mspec people. which is absolutely true. (i also wish it had been mentioned how queer people sometimes overcorrect when people hold up certain representation as “good” by then slamming that representation as “sanitized,” seemingly forgetting the entire point of there not being one queer experience.) but this whole aside at the end kind of contradicts everything the author had been arguing; that these depictions in and of themselves are harmful and bad. along with all the author’s repeated “but this experience is real for people and that’s valid” for each trope, it feels like an afterthought or empty platitude more than an attempt to have a nuanced conversation.
all in all, not really my cup of tea. but i appreciate the effort the be inclusive in the use of mspec and the acknowledgment of bi dot org’s panphobia.
January 2, 2023
I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Mehta examines the m-spec experience from a variety of angles, from coming out, to existing in queer spaces, bi-erasure and an examination of intersectionality of m-spec, poc and a-spec issues.
Mehta's book also contains interwoven examples and snippets from members of the m-spec community I found really gave a unique perspective and human dimension to the book. I think more books should definitely be written on the subject but Bisexual Men Exist is a really excellent entry and a must read for any m-spec person or anyone with an interest in understanding the challenges faced by m-spec individuals in today's society.
Mehta's book also contains interwoven examples and snippets from members of the m-spec community I found really gave a unique perspective and human dimension to the book. I think more books should definitely be written on the subject but Bisexual Men Exist is a really excellent entry and a must read for any m-spec person or anyone with an interest in understanding the challenges faced by m-spec individuals in today's society.
February 28, 2023
I wasn't sure what I'd personally get out of this book, seeing it's a topic I've been aware of already, but this was a really informative read, and I think it will be a great starting point for a lot of people. The book was logically structured, delving into one larger theme at a time, and very readable, which is not always the case with non-fiction. I'd highly recommend this!
June 26, 2023
This was a bookclub read for me and I am super glad I read this. It is definitely written for questioning or newly come out bisexuals, and is an important reminder to all the bisexual men out there that theirs is a valid identity and that - though sometimes hard to find - there are support groups and networks for bisexual men out there.
However, despite its noble intentions and the very importance of this book for me personally and the bisexual community generally, this book also had some flaws:
First of all, the writing itself was not always as clear and on-point as would have been desirable and the author often explained things in an overly simplistic or reductive manner.
Also, the book focused very much on the negative stuff coming with realizing one's bisexuality and all the oppression different men have to deal with because of this their sexuality, often lacking a more empowering and positive counter-balance.
All in all, I think this is a very important book, especially for newcomers to the identity, and I wish I had read it when I first started questioning my sexuality...
However, despite its noble intentions and the very importance of this book for me personally and the bisexual community generally, this book also had some flaws:
First of all, the writing itself was not always as clear and on-point as would have been desirable and the author often explained things in an overly simplistic or reductive manner.
Also, the book focused very much on the negative stuff coming with realizing one's bisexuality and all the oppression different men have to deal with because of this their sexuality, often lacking a more empowering and positive counter-balance.
All in all, I think this is a very important book, especially for newcomers to the identity, and I wish I had read it when I first started questioning my sexuality...
July 10, 2024
And we often have a bad time (backed up by studies and statistics).
Giving this book three stars instead of four as I found the writing in the first chapter focused on ‘representation’ rude about some other sexualities, e.g. monosexuals who do just go from heterosexuality to being gay or lesbian; they deserve rep too, even if they are perhaps influenced by a monosexist society into identifying the way they do.
It’s also telling that if I think about what bi/mspec media rep there was on tv in the 2000s, the only character that comes to mind for mspec rep of any gender in US/UK productions is Jack Harkness from Doctor Who/Torchwood, who isn’t mentioned here (presumably because the author never came across him as a teen.)
Giving this book three stars instead of four as I found the writing in the first chapter focused on ‘representation’ rude about some other sexualities, e.g. monosexuals who do just go from heterosexuality to being gay or lesbian; they deserve rep too, even if they are perhaps influenced by a monosexist society into identifying the way they do.
It’s also telling that if I think about what bi/mspec media rep there was on tv in the 2000s, the only character that comes to mind for mspec rep of any gender in US/UK productions is Jack Harkness from Doctor Who/Torchwood, who isn’t mentioned here (presumably because the author never came across him as a teen.)
June 9, 2025
We need a good book to help reach across the aisle and educated closeted Bi men about our community and we’re still looking for that book because this is just Homophobia and separatism disguised as BI discourse
I will say it is really helpful to have all these stats broken down to focus on Bi Men as much as possible. Mehta enlightens the reader in how little Bi research in general is being completed and funded in chapter 6. which results in Bi men being erased in what could be foundational research. This research could make the difference between funding being earmarked for Bi Mens needs, and its absence lessens our community.
The stats on bi funding gaps also helps to show the vicious cycle of not having funding to keep talented bi community leaders as paid positions and instead forcing Bi groups to be an all volunteer operation that this burns itself out over time and loses all of that institutional education.
Chapter 5 Intersectionality feels like the chapter Mehta was the most curious and interested in. he has really resonant insights about how bi phobia hurts trans people when there is an assumption of leaving a gender assigned at birth in order to avoid homophobia or sexism. It really feels like the chapter that sold this book and unfortunately the rest either is so chock full of homophobia that it’s splitting any existing bi community apart at the seams. Or the rest of the book is written like he put 5 paragraphs through chat GTP, asked them to rewrite his idea and dumped the detritus into the book until it reached the appropriate page count. Truly there’s so much filler that doesn’t make his points more salient or show any curiosity through a huge chunk of the book
The homophobia really is omnipresent from Mehta talking about how all gay men fetishize bi men and thus couldn’t be in a real relationship with them ( Unlike straight women who are just going to be living through a never ending episode of My Husband is Not Gay if they are in a relationship with a bi man). It goes on with less than 50% of Bi men ever attending a queer event which is for some reason a failing of queer people for not centering their entire gay experience around the fragility of bi men who don’t seem to want to be in community with other queer people. It’s just so frustrating to have an bi author that is in a commuted relationship with a man but reinforces all these homophobic ideas that will only teach Bi men that don’t have any queer friends antisocial ideologies where no one will want to waste time talking to them because they refuse to deal with their own internalized homophobia
This book is clearly written to appease bi men who are attracted to people of different gender identities but would only ever be in a relationship with a cis woman. And it’s understanding of the world refuses to acknowledge how homophobic the mainstream world around us is and assumes that every bi man that’s not in community is frightened by the mean gays and not bigots that spew homophobia at all times. The refusal to a knowledge homophobia directed at us from people outside the queer community and blaming it on other queer people will make bi men looking for community blame other marginalized people and not the bigots that make our livies unlivable. Also if I was Mehta and said all gay men are fetishists for wanting to date bi men, I’d dump his stupid ass because that’s homophobia plain and simple
The bi separatism is both stupid and exhausting because it’s stilly and goes on forever.
Mehta even has to go back to 1985 to find an example of bi people being thrown out of a London LGBTQ center, but the moral isn’t we need to picket or hold bi phobic queer people accountable, it’s that we as bi people need to expend our finite resources to have our own bi exclusionist community centers and events that won’t include other queer people. This will waste our energies and only goes to play into the hands of bigots that espouse respectability politics but will never include us and will only alienate us from other queer people who will see these separatist politics as self defeating and exclusionary because they are.
I waffled between giving this two stars because the stats and interviews with Bi people are valid but this book is designed to teach bi men who only date woman to fear other queer people so I believe it is doing more harm than good in its current state
I will say it is really helpful to have all these stats broken down to focus on Bi Men as much as possible. Mehta enlightens the reader in how little Bi research in general is being completed and funded in chapter 6. which results in Bi men being erased in what could be foundational research. This research could make the difference between funding being earmarked for Bi Mens needs, and its absence lessens our community.
The stats on bi funding gaps also helps to show the vicious cycle of not having funding to keep talented bi community leaders as paid positions and instead forcing Bi groups to be an all volunteer operation that this burns itself out over time and loses all of that institutional education.
Chapter 5 Intersectionality feels like the chapter Mehta was the most curious and interested in. he has really resonant insights about how bi phobia hurts trans people when there is an assumption of leaving a gender assigned at birth in order to avoid homophobia or sexism. It really feels like the chapter that sold this book and unfortunately the rest either is so chock full of homophobia that it’s splitting any existing bi community apart at the seams. Or the rest of the book is written like he put 5 paragraphs through chat GTP, asked them to rewrite his idea and dumped the detritus into the book until it reached the appropriate page count. Truly there’s so much filler that doesn’t make his points more salient or show any curiosity through a huge chunk of the book
The homophobia really is omnipresent from Mehta talking about how all gay men fetishize bi men and thus couldn’t be in a real relationship with them ( Unlike straight women who are just going to be living through a never ending episode of My Husband is Not Gay if they are in a relationship with a bi man). It goes on with less than 50% of Bi men ever attending a queer event which is for some reason a failing of queer people for not centering their entire gay experience around the fragility of bi men who don’t seem to want to be in community with other queer people. It’s just so frustrating to have an bi author that is in a commuted relationship with a man but reinforces all these homophobic ideas that will only teach Bi men that don’t have any queer friends antisocial ideologies where no one will want to waste time talking to them because they refuse to deal with their own internalized homophobia
This book is clearly written to appease bi men who are attracted to people of different gender identities but would only ever be in a relationship with a cis woman. And it’s understanding of the world refuses to acknowledge how homophobic the mainstream world around us is and assumes that every bi man that’s not in community is frightened by the mean gays and not bigots that spew homophobia at all times. The refusal to a knowledge homophobia directed at us from people outside the queer community and blaming it on other queer people will make bi men looking for community blame other marginalized people and not the bigots that make our livies unlivable. Also if I was Mehta and said all gay men are fetishists for wanting to date bi men, I’d dump his stupid ass because that’s homophobia plain and simple
The bi separatism is both stupid and exhausting because it’s stilly and goes on forever.
Mehta even has to go back to 1985 to find an example of bi people being thrown out of a London LGBTQ center, but the moral isn’t we need to picket or hold bi phobic queer people accountable, it’s that we as bi people need to expend our finite resources to have our own bi exclusionist community centers and events that won’t include other queer people. This will waste our energies and only goes to play into the hands of bigots that espouse respectability politics but will never include us and will only alienate us from other queer people who will see these separatist politics as self defeating and exclusionary because they are.
I waffled between giving this two stars because the stats and interviews with Bi people are valid but this book is designed to teach bi men who only date woman to fear other queer people so I believe it is doing more harm than good in its current state
January 25, 2026
3.5/5
Pretty doom and gloom. Focuses heavily on the exclusion, erasure, and discrimination bi/m-spec men face. Stats are interesting, but they always are. There are resources to go further into the studies he mentions. It was a bit repetitive on all fronts of exclusion and negativity, this book isn't the affirming book I thought it'd be. It's still a fine book, I just wasn't expecting it to focus so heavily on how bi-spec people don't fit in anywhere. I think the tone and lens could have changed a bit to include a more positive outlook despite the realities Mehta references. You do belong, you are welcome.
I found plenty of things interesting although I'm not sure I really agreed with much of the first chapter on representation. Other than that it was interesting to see the difference between how bi men are treated differently than bi women—but this was my own comparisons and not actually anything included in the text.
I wouldn't call it a handbook as it is just saying how excluded and harassed bisexual men are by gay men and LGBTQIA+ spaces. It's not very reassuring and I probably wouldn't want to attend any LGBTQIA+ events if I were to believe Mehta that there's likely to be no resources for bi people and I'll get shamed. TBF, I already don't go to events because being ace is very invisible and I too don't "look queer enough", so I understood some of his struggles in trying to fit into the community. He did thankfully have a lot of people who said they did find safe spaces in their local clubs which was vastly different from Mehta's own experience.
It'll be validating to some and it's an important topic so I would recommend it as a starting point and to go deeper.
My favourite part (obviously) was where he brought up asexuals/aromatics in Chapter 5 Intersectionality. I truly thought the final chapter called Pride was going to be uplifting and really bring it home, but wow, it was a downer. The epilogue was positive but a paragraph probably isn't going to uplift anyone or make them proud to be after reading 222 pages of all the struggles, stigmatism, and issues faced by bi people. Still was an enjoyable read if you can look past that.
Pretty doom and gloom. Focuses heavily on the exclusion, erasure, and discrimination bi/m-spec men face. Stats are interesting, but they always are. There are resources to go further into the studies he mentions. It was a bit repetitive on all fronts of exclusion and negativity, this book isn't the affirming book I thought it'd be. It's still a fine book, I just wasn't expecting it to focus so heavily on how bi-spec people don't fit in anywhere. I think the tone and lens could have changed a bit to include a more positive outlook despite the realities Mehta references. You do belong, you are welcome.
I found plenty of things interesting although I'm not sure I really agreed with much of the first chapter on representation. Other than that it was interesting to see the difference between how bi men are treated differently than bi women—but this was my own comparisons and not actually anything included in the text.
I wouldn't call it a handbook as it is just saying how excluded and harassed bisexual men are by gay men and LGBTQIA+ spaces. It's not very reassuring and I probably wouldn't want to attend any LGBTQIA+ events if I were to believe Mehta that there's likely to be no resources for bi people and I'll get shamed. TBF, I already don't go to events because being ace is very invisible and I too don't "look queer enough", so I understood some of his struggles in trying to fit into the community. He did thankfully have a lot of people who said they did find safe spaces in their local clubs which was vastly different from Mehta's own experience.
It'll be validating to some and it's an important topic so I would recommend it as a starting point and to go deeper.
My favourite part (obviously) was where he brought up asexuals/aromatics in Chapter 5 Intersectionality. I truly thought the final chapter called Pride was going to be uplifting and really bring it home, but wow, it was a downer. The epilogue was positive but a paragraph probably isn't going to uplift anyone or make them proud to be after reading 222 pages of all the struggles, stigmatism, and issues faced by bi people. Still was an enjoyable read if you can look past that.
September 2, 2023
'Bisexual Men Exist' very much feels like a useful book for those just discovering their queer identity. This isn't to say that there was nothing I took away from it - I thought the chapter on sexual health was an important necessity, and found the testimonies to be really interesting. The statistics, too, were useful to know and certainly lent credibility to the overall narrative of the book. What I think was a little frustrating was that the narrative argued that bisexuality is a socially ostracised identity that faces intense oppression. I think particularly for M-Spec individuals who are discovering their identity, there's not much respite from the negative outlook of bisexuality that the book enforces. Additionally, the text began to get quite repetitive and unfocused as it delved into deeper LGBT discourse that I don't believe was entirely relevant. Despite the flaws, this book is a good resource for an initial exploration of M-Spec identities, and I am genuinely glad that it focuses on the male perspective as there is hardly any representation for this demographic.
August 6, 2023
This book did a great job presenting the experiences of m-spec men and their struggles fitting into society. I really enjoyed how the author broke down some of the examples into easier to understand concepts and how they are impacted by societal norms. My only critique of the book is that there were a couple instances where the logic seemed assumptive. Overall I really enjoyed the read!
June 28, 2025
Vaneet Mehta provides great insight into the experiences and challenges of bisexual, pansexual, and m-spec people. He weaves in insightful thoughts from others, even if the transitions can be a bit abrupt. A good addition to the reading list of any bi+ person or their partner, friends, family, and allies.
January 19, 2023
Great book highlighting the challenges bisexual men experience. You can tell Vaneet put a lot of time and effort into researching this book and backing up all his points with relevant research. Easy to read and enjoyable despite some difficult topics. Highly recommend.
September 14, 2024
A bit disappointing. Although the title does not lie, certainly the particularities of male bisexuality are addressed at some point, the bast majority of the book just repeats themes exposed in other ones about bisexuality (some of them even quoted by the author). Maybe Vannet takes the effort of putting statistics and percentages about discrimination and other various things. But, sincerely: I don’t care about that. I think that is just info for the Oppression Olympics (something that even he criticizes at some point, ironically).
Eisner’s “Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution” takes on all the themes exposed by Vannet way better and more profoundly. Maybe some racial aspects and the specific relation between m-spec men and the gay community are only addressed here, but even that doesn’t justify a whole new book that at the end of the day just repeats the same discourse already written by other authors like Eisner or Julia Shaw.
It was interesting the last part about the split attraction model, arosexuality and asexuality in m-specs identities and also the different personal examples that are exposed on the relationships section. The book should be more about that and not repeating what it was already exposed in other books.
Eisner’s “Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution” takes on all the themes exposed by Vannet way better and more profoundly. Maybe some racial aspects and the specific relation between m-spec men and the gay community are only addressed here, but even that doesn’t justify a whole new book that at the end of the day just repeats the same discourse already written by other authors like Eisner or Julia Shaw.
It was interesting the last part about the split attraction model, arosexuality and asexuality in m-specs identities and also the different personal examples that are exposed on the relationships section. The book should be more about that and not repeating what it was already exposed in other books.
April 2, 2025
Important but repetitive and statistic heavy.
I also agree with reviews saying there was too much focus on all the bad parts of being m-spec, it took half of the book to even get a positive section every now and then.
I had to mostly skim through Ch 4 (health) because by then I could no longer process all of the numbers and never ending negative facts.
I was very excited about Ch 5 (intersectionality) because it‘s personally relevant to me. But I soon went back to skimming because additionally to the focus on statistics and negativity there wasn‘t really anything new for me.
(I am nonbinary and m-spec myself, have consumed books and other media about all mentioned intersectionalities before — but I feel like its not too much to ask to still learn new things?)
While the book includes important topics I‘m not sure who to recommend it to because it also doesn’t feel fitting for allies or newly/not yet out queers.
And while it is very informative I wouldn‘t call it a „handbook“ either.
I also agree with reviews saying there was too much focus on all the bad parts of being m-spec, it took half of the book to even get a positive section every now and then.
I had to mostly skim through Ch 4 (health) because by then I could no longer process all of the numbers and never ending negative facts.
I was very excited about Ch 5 (intersectionality) because it‘s personally relevant to me. But I soon went back to skimming because additionally to the focus on statistics and negativity there wasn‘t really anything new for me.
(I am nonbinary and m-spec myself, have consumed books and other media about all mentioned intersectionalities before — but I feel like its not too much to ask to still learn new things?)
While the book includes important topics I‘m not sure who to recommend it to because it also doesn’t feel fitting for allies or newly/not yet out queers.
And while it is very informative I wouldn‘t call it a „handbook“ either.
January 30, 2023
As a cis man who identifies as bisexual and pansexual, this book was both an affirmation and an education. May this book give other m-spec men the comfort and affirmation they need to live their authentic selves, and may those who are not m-spec learn how their words and actions can affect those who are -- even if they're also part of the broader queer community.
October 1, 2023
A brilliantly straightforward and holistic discussion of the complex discriminations faced by m-spec men. Bisexual Men Exist is such an important read!
January 19, 2023
***Thank you to Jessica Kingsley Publishers for providing a copy of the book via NetGalley. My review contains my honest thoughts about my reading experience.***
It is hard for me to review this book because the subject matter is of intense personal and professional interest to me. I don't think I've come across another book quite like this one before. I've read several nonfiction texts about bisexual people and the issues they face, but I don't think I've ever seen one devoted entirely to bi men. Typically, there's maybe one chapter of the book specifically about this sub-population. So, I was very excited to come across this title on NetGalley and scoop up an advanced copy.
Research on bi men is scarce, which makes sense given the level of erasure this community experiences. I learned this the hard way when working on my thesis in graduate school. So, I was curious about how the author would be able to fill an entire book. I loved the approach taken to combine the available research with personal stories from the author and a variety of other bi men. It added a level of intimacy that nonfiction works don't always have and highlighted the wonderful diversity found in the community.
The laser focus on bi men in the book allowed for a deeper explanation of the issues this group faces. It covered a wide variety of topics, including representation/education, coming out, and relationship dynamics. The health and mental health of bi men was explored, as well, and the author did a great job of explaining the disparities bi men experience and the barriers that make them worse. The various impacts of systemic oppression were highlighted, including the role of phallocentrism, monosexism, heterosexism, and sexism/misogyny in perpetuating negative stereotypes about bi men. My favorite part of the book, though, was the in-depth look at intersectionality. The discussion of the specific experiences of BIPOC and trans bi men was one of the most thorough I've ever read, and I learned a lot from it.
Despite the book having a ton of depressing information in it, I found the overall tone to be quite hopeful. The author made sure to highlight areas of improvement in recent years and outlined ways to make further progress. All of the stories illustrated how hard it can be as a bi man, but they also showed the things that can make it rewarding and the power that comes from living as your authentic self even when it is difficult.
Overall, this was a great primer on issues of relevance to bi men. I think it should be required reading for all men questioning their sexuality, but everyone would learn a lot from the information and stories contained in its pages. The writing was a bit too conversational/informal and repetitive at times, mostly because the topics overlap quite a bit, but it was all easy to read and understand while being loaded with information. We need more books like this one! Therefore, I rate the book 5 out of 5 stars.
See more of my reviews and other bookish content on my blog.
It is hard for me to review this book because the subject matter is of intense personal and professional interest to me. I don't think I've come across another book quite like this one before. I've read several nonfiction texts about bisexual people and the issues they face, but I don't think I've ever seen one devoted entirely to bi men. Typically, there's maybe one chapter of the book specifically about this sub-population. So, I was very excited to come across this title on NetGalley and scoop up an advanced copy.
Research on bi men is scarce, which makes sense given the level of erasure this community experiences. I learned this the hard way when working on my thesis in graduate school. So, I was curious about how the author would be able to fill an entire book. I loved the approach taken to combine the available research with personal stories from the author and a variety of other bi men. It added a level of intimacy that nonfiction works don't always have and highlighted the wonderful diversity found in the community.
The laser focus on bi men in the book allowed for a deeper explanation of the issues this group faces. It covered a wide variety of topics, including representation/education, coming out, and relationship dynamics. The health and mental health of bi men was explored, as well, and the author did a great job of explaining the disparities bi men experience and the barriers that make them worse. The various impacts of systemic oppression were highlighted, including the role of phallocentrism, monosexism, heterosexism, and sexism/misogyny in perpetuating negative stereotypes about bi men. My favorite part of the book, though, was the in-depth look at intersectionality. The discussion of the specific experiences of BIPOC and trans bi men was one of the most thorough I've ever read, and I learned a lot from it.
Despite the book having a ton of depressing information in it, I found the overall tone to be quite hopeful. The author made sure to highlight areas of improvement in recent years and outlined ways to make further progress. All of the stories illustrated how hard it can be as a bi man, but they also showed the things that can make it rewarding and the power that comes from living as your authentic self even when it is difficult.
Overall, this was a great primer on issues of relevance to bi men. I think it should be required reading for all men questioning their sexuality, but everyone would learn a lot from the information and stories contained in its pages. The writing was a bit too conversational/informal and repetitive at times, mostly because the topics overlap quite a bit, but it was all easy to read and understand while being loaded with information. We need more books like this one! Therefore, I rate the book 5 out of 5 stars.
See more of my reviews and other bookish content on my blog.
February 25, 2023
4.5 stars rounded up
This is both a valuable resource for bi and m-spec men in exploring their identities and understanding m-spec experiences in society, and a vital educational resource for everyone else. It is written in a conversational style that nonetheless accomplishes several deep analyses of the current contexts for m-spec struggles. While the author does not sugarcoat the difficulties experiences by m-spec men, there are also stories of progress and hope.
The book begins with a discussion on lack of media representation for m-spec identities but especially m-spec men: “Any characters who showed indications of being attracted to more than one gender were either left ambiguous or forced into either straight or gay.” I enjoyed this media analysis, which dissected such tropes as the “depraved bisexual,” “no bisexuals,” “ambiguously bi,” “just an experiment,” and “anything that moves.” It also covers news coverage and representation in education material, including the lack of acknowledgement about real-life people (present and historical), and the impact of Section 28 in the UK and the ongoing lack of LGBTQ+ education for young people.
There’s a lot of examination of areas of friction for m-spec men, both from heteronormative society and within queer communities, as well as the ways faith and heritage can prove an obstacle to acceptance when they create create cultures of shame or secrecy. The necessity of intersectionality is emphasised, with a focus on BIPOC, trans and ace m-spec men. However I would have liked to see more robust inclusion of disability in that conversation (hence not a full five stars).
There is a very important discussion about the barriers to mental health support faced by m-spec men, both in terms of structural accessibility issues as well as the risks of experiencing queerphobic, m-spec erasure and pathologisation from healthcare providers. It also covers the ways that erasure, the ‘cycle of invisibility’ and ‘exclusion by inclusion’ are barriers to physical, especially sexual, healthcare.
I received a free copy from NetGalley in return for my honest opinions.
This is both a valuable resource for bi and m-spec men in exploring their identities and understanding m-spec experiences in society, and a vital educational resource for everyone else. It is written in a conversational style that nonetheless accomplishes several deep analyses of the current contexts for m-spec struggles. While the author does not sugarcoat the difficulties experiences by m-spec men, there are also stories of progress and hope.
The book begins with a discussion on lack of media representation for m-spec identities but especially m-spec men: “Any characters who showed indications of being attracted to more than one gender were either left ambiguous or forced into either straight or gay.” I enjoyed this media analysis, which dissected such tropes as the “depraved bisexual,” “no bisexuals,” “ambiguously bi,” “just an experiment,” and “anything that moves.” It also covers news coverage and representation in education material, including the lack of acknowledgement about real-life people (present and historical), and the impact of Section 28 in the UK and the ongoing lack of LGBTQ+ education for young people.
There’s a lot of examination of areas of friction for m-spec men, both from heteronormative society and within queer communities, as well as the ways faith and heritage can prove an obstacle to acceptance when they create create cultures of shame or secrecy. The necessity of intersectionality is emphasised, with a focus on BIPOC, trans and ace m-spec men. However I would have liked to see more robust inclusion of disability in that conversation (hence not a full five stars).
There is a very important discussion about the barriers to mental health support faced by m-spec men, both in terms of structural accessibility issues as well as the risks of experiencing queerphobic, m-spec erasure and pathologisation from healthcare providers. It also covers the ways that erasure, the ‘cycle of invisibility’ and ‘exclusion by inclusion’ are barriers to physical, especially sexual, healthcare.
I received a free copy from NetGalley in return for my honest opinions.
July 20, 2023
5 stars. Mehta compiled an impressive, comprehensive body of work on the history and present-day experiences of M-spec (multiple attraction spectrum) men. Each section acknowledges and respects men from all backgrounds. In a tone both academic and reflective, Mehta weaves in survey data, studies, and interviews with other M-spec to convey the difference of experiences. He also reflects on some of his own experiences as a British Indian bisexual man.
Focusing on health, social experiences, cultural backgrounds, gender expression, and intersectionality, Mehta outlines how intersectionality is crucial for analyzing experiences among M-spec men. He also indicates how colonialism has infused toxic masculinity, transphobia, and homophobia into different cultures that are perceived as struggling with LGBTQ+ issues in comparison to the global West.
Mehta's book pulls data mainly from the UK and US, but I appreciated this important perspective and the care put into the research. Mehta also goes a step further and identifies where more research would be needed, and why certain research statistics might be unreliable due to unfavorable reporting circumstances. This critical lens is crucial and Mehta patiently outlines how to approach this information to the reader.
An excellent and validating read for M-spec men, and certainly a wonderful resource for anyone looking to support M-spec men. As a cis bisexual woman, this gave me incredible insights into how I can advocate for bisexual+ men in my own spaces and identify the differences in biphobia across the gender spectrum.
Focusing on health, social experiences, cultural backgrounds, gender expression, and intersectionality, Mehta outlines how intersectionality is crucial for analyzing experiences among M-spec men. He also indicates how colonialism has infused toxic masculinity, transphobia, and homophobia into different cultures that are perceived as struggling with LGBTQ+ issues in comparison to the global West.
Mehta's book pulls data mainly from the UK and US, but I appreciated this important perspective and the care put into the research. Mehta also goes a step further and identifies where more research would be needed, and why certain research statistics might be unreliable due to unfavorable reporting circumstances. This critical lens is crucial and Mehta patiently outlines how to approach this information to the reader.
An excellent and validating read for M-spec men, and certainly a wonderful resource for anyone looking to support M-spec men. As a cis bisexual woman, this gave me incredible insights into how I can advocate for bisexual+ men in my own spaces and identify the differences in biphobia across the gender spectrum.
June 17, 2025
A book that is a lot to get through. Especially because it might necessitate you to take a break because it can just be a lot to take in alle the negativity. I think calling it a "handbook" is a misnomer as the book does concern itself with the effects of heteronormativity, the patriarchy, cis- and allonormativity on the lived experience of bisexual men* (and bisexual people in general). It presents a lot of quantitative data and descriptions of lived experience to make its arguments, so it is a mix of statistics, anecdotal evidence and bits of theory. But for a "handbook" i think this is at the same time to much if you aim this book at questioning people and too little if you expect a broad overview which also includes queer joy and pointers to successful community building.
All in all i think the book is worthwile as an overview of issues faced by Bi+ people and as a good pointer to further reading but the quality of the presented arguments is sometimes lacking. This is very apparent in the chapter on representation.
Worth a read if you want to start reading deeper into Bi+ issues. For more of a first read on bisexuality i would urge you to grab "bi" by julia shaw or "Bisexuality the basics" by Lewis Oakley instead.
All in all i think the book is worthwile as an overview of issues faced by Bi+ people and as a good pointer to further reading but the quality of the presented arguments is sometimes lacking. This is very apparent in the chapter on representation.
Worth a read if you want to start reading deeper into Bi+ issues. For more of a first read on bisexuality i would urge you to grab "bi" by julia shaw or "Bisexuality the basics" by Lewis Oakley instead.
September 1, 2025
I’ve read this book off and on over the course of a few months.
I feel like this book is split into two parts. The beginning of the book I got a lot more out of, with chapters like ‘Representation and Education’, ‘Coming Out’ and ‘Dating and Relationships’. It felt more personal, looking at bisexual representation, and how coming out and dating as a bisexual is met, and the biphobia that can come from that, whether it be from family, friends, or even the queer community. It does what it says on the cover, makes the point that ‘bisexual men exist’. It does highlight a lot of negative reactions and representations, focusing on biphobia.
The second part was about ‘Health’, ‘Intersectionality’ and ‘Pride’ which looked more around the history and what’s provided towards the m-spec community. It was interesting but didn’t really connect the same way the first half of the book did.
I think the quality of this book comes down to what you’re looking for within its pages, and that determines what you enjoy and take away.
I feel like this book is split into two parts. The beginning of the book I got a lot more out of, with chapters like ‘Representation and Education’, ‘Coming Out’ and ‘Dating and Relationships’. It felt more personal, looking at bisexual representation, and how coming out and dating as a bisexual is met, and the biphobia that can come from that, whether it be from family, friends, or even the queer community. It does what it says on the cover, makes the point that ‘bisexual men exist’. It does highlight a lot of negative reactions and representations, focusing on biphobia.
The second part was about ‘Health’, ‘Intersectionality’ and ‘Pride’ which looked more around the history and what’s provided towards the m-spec community. It was interesting but didn’t really connect the same way the first half of the book did.
I think the quality of this book comes down to what you’re looking for within its pages, and that determines what you enjoy and take away.
Read
September 18, 2023As an m-spec man I found this to be a thoroughly researched and valuable book. I have read quite a few books on bisexuality, but this is the first that I can truly identify with and offers a true sense of belonging. For any m-spec person feeling confused or isolated, please give this book a try.
Written in a down to earth and readable style, refreshingly objective and yet plenty of personal experiences and contributors.
For me there was a bit of a barrage of new labels towards the end, but made it through and learned so much! I feel personally that labels are important when trying to understand one’s sexuality even if we chose not to use them all the time (or at all!).
Bi-erasure is a real issue in so many ways and this book explores it with positivity, great ideas, wisdom and support.
Written in a down to earth and readable style, refreshingly objective and yet plenty of personal experiences and contributors.
For me there was a bit of a barrage of new labels towards the end, but made it through and learned so much! I feel personally that labels are important when trying to understand one’s sexuality even if we chose not to use them all the time (or at all!).
Bi-erasure is a real issue in so many ways and this book explores it with positivity, great ideas, wisdom and support.
August 15, 2023
DNF (135/252):
This is a super important book that teaches you a lot about the erasure and biphobia that m-spec men meet. I'm giving it four stars for the importance of the book and to encourage other people to give it a chance and see if it fits them better than it did me.
However, I found it hard to read this as it's mostly a bunch of statistics. I didn't feel like it dug deep enough to keep me engaged. It also felt very repetitive as many things kept coming up in different chapters. The examples from different m-spec people were compelling, but I would have liked for them to be properly introduced and for their stories to be a bit more elaborated on.
Please give it a shot, I hope you'll like it!!!
This is a super important book that teaches you a lot about the erasure and biphobia that m-spec men meet. I'm giving it four stars for the importance of the book and to encourage other people to give it a chance and see if it fits them better than it did me.
However, I found it hard to read this as it's mostly a bunch of statistics. I didn't feel like it dug deep enough to keep me engaged. It also felt very repetitive as many things kept coming up in different chapters. The examples from different m-spec people were compelling, but I would have liked for them to be properly introduced and for their stories to be a bit more elaborated on.
Please give it a shot, I hope you'll like it!!!
February 19, 2024
One of the first things many parents (especially of a certain generation) say to their kids when they come out is that they're just concerned for how they'll be treated by society. Bisexual Men Exist would certainly suggest those fears are valid as that's primarily the focus of this book: how shitty we're treated. I'm sure for many this is true, but what's missing is the joy. Certainly a chapter or two about the struggles, prejudices, and so on are warranted, but it desperately needs more positive stories, examples. I'm fortunate not to have faced a lot of what this book describes, and I am entirely empathetic to those who weren't as fortunate, but authentic happy stories are needed, too. Huge downer that paints the bisexual male experience as incredibly miserable.
March 16, 2024
I found this book really interesting at times, but then at times I really did struggle. It was very informative around things that exist and such, but I sometimes found the stats a bit unfortunately used.
It does get the reader to understand that m-spec phobia exists, yet I don’t feel as informed as I could do. A lot of advice for what to do as an m-spec man, but the advice outside of that felt very limited.
I understand the perspective the writer wanted to show, but I sometimes felt like they were quite passive aggressive. I would advise people to read but with heavy caveats around understanding the natural bias in the book
It does get the reader to understand that m-spec phobia exists, yet I don’t feel as informed as I could do. A lot of advice for what to do as an m-spec man, but the advice outside of that felt very limited.
I understand the perspective the writer wanted to show, but I sometimes felt like they were quite passive aggressive. I would advise people to read but with heavy caveats around understanding the natural bias in the book
January 4, 2024
Good information, if probably familiar for bi men who've read similar books. My biggest problem with it was reading it right after Dr. Julia Shaw's recent book Bi — this one felt a bit lacking in depth in comparison. It's less scholarly and more personal and anecdote-based, which some people will prefer. And it's probably a good "one book" to give someone who doesn't really understand bi men and the issues the community faces but who wants to learn more.
June 21, 2023
This is a fair introduction for anyone who has very little to no knowledge at all about bisexuality and m-spec identities. However, it felt unpolished. While the author did include stats and data, the way he tied it in with personal anecdotes from interviewees felt like a stretch. There are some really good points brought up throughout but they didn't delve deep enough.
March 8, 2025
Really interesting. A bit dry at times for me, with lots of references and technical neologisms but with a bit of concentration it remains a very approachable book.
I liked how it was very much intersectional and explored lots of different aspects of what MSM face.
I liked how it was very much intersectional and explored lots of different aspects of what MSM face.
Read
March 22, 2025DNF - while I appreciated the subject matter and ambition for this book, I found it difficult to get past a feeling this was an interesting academic essay that had been unnecessarily padded out into a full length book.
June 15, 2023
It is easier to note where you disagree or have some questions about a book like this. If most of it tracks, it is the snags that stick out. Unfortunately, it is these things that are still with me after finishing this book and I want to discuss a few of them after stating that this handbook probably covers most folks understanding and experience as bisexual men or multiple attracted gender spectrum (m-spec) men.
p.89 Ethical non-monogamy talks about the term ethical referring to enthusiastic consent rather than consent. This one word changes a lot and probably shouldn't be there.
There are a number of themes that come up that are common in terms of the queer communities that may be rooted in class. For instance, the closet. Nadine Hubbs in her book on country music (Rednecks, Queers and Country Music) discusses how some standard values get lost or misrepresented by the middle or narrating class. The closet is one of these things.
Overt sexuality is not prized in general. "I don't care what you do as long as it isn't in front of me. " Much of this book and some of the issues described are part of the effect of the closet. While I am guessing that this book isn't really aimed at people who wouldn't be reading these books, it should still include that point of view as a matter of completeness.
Instead, the value is that sexuality is visibility. It does run counter in some places such as when it talks about ace spectrum people. It is just something that should be worked out a bit on the page.
When it does mention class, it is usually in context of saying that this is one more lens without going into it.
p 164. Talks about the conflation of identity and orientation but no mention of the ways that people are trying to get around it. A quick wiki search will give a few other options. Even mentioning a bit more about this issue would have been helpful to at least direct people towards it.
p,. 169 Talks about masculinity and toxic masculinity in terms of being the provider, being strong and unemotional, rich and successful but then offers examples of crying and liking soft toys as being feminine. Part of that flows (crying as an emotional response) and part does not. There is a real short change to this argument and maybe there could have been a different way of framing it.
There are different masculinities within a societal norm. I get that the author was trying to pick something that is universal and I think there is a failure in this case. It was jarring to see that liking soft toys means femininity and therefore gay in some cultures.
p. 172 The author generalizes his experience of not talking about his sexuality as closet. As I mentioned above, there is little to no discussion of social norms that do not talk about sexuality.
p. 173 Talks about colonialism and the role of women in public space being reduced. This is a class thing. I won't get into here because using one personal example doesn't disprove the author's point but it does put into question what analyses they have been using. I would argue that capitalism and where you are within it is more likely to cause the effects that the author is talking about. The effects are also not uniform across a country but probably more likely in urban environments rather than rural environments.
p. 177 Talks about his disagreement with the idea that queerness is white. As a PoC, there is something that happens in his community where homosexuality and queerness is seen as a white thing and there is no recognition that the concept of queer existed before colonization. I disagree with his characterization, especially since in a few pages before discusses how the English brought laws outlawing homosexuality where ever they went. The term queer and homosexual only became a thing in the late 19th century popularized by Europeans.
There are a few good books that talk about the history of queer and what pre definition culture looked like in America and Europe. They are few though. Regardless, I think I understand what the author is trying to get at but does it very clunkily.
The chapter on intersectionality focuses on Trans, Race and Ace. Social class gets one mention.
Now, I guess you could call these quibbles. Given the focus on needing education and having the words and ideas, these lack of mentions feel more like a blind spot. Yes, there is the admission that not everything is in here but then maybe leave out the word handbook.
I had a few other issues with some logic but I think I have made my general point that there is an underlying issue in the culture that is reflected here discussing the culture. Sedgwick talks about the issues with the closet and while there are some valid criticisms of her and Foucault work on this stuff, they have pointed out how it might make things worse to use that reference.
This is a good complementary book to having a few others. It is a decent starting point. It does require the caveat that if you are a bisexual you may not find yourself here but that doesn't mean you aren't valid or that your experiences are abnormal.
p.89 Ethical non-monogamy talks about the term ethical referring to enthusiastic consent rather than consent. This one word changes a lot and probably shouldn't be there.
There are a number of themes that come up that are common in terms of the queer communities that may be rooted in class. For instance, the closet. Nadine Hubbs in her book on country music (Rednecks, Queers and Country Music) discusses how some standard values get lost or misrepresented by the middle or narrating class. The closet is one of these things.
Overt sexuality is not prized in general. "I don't care what you do as long as it isn't in front of me. " Much of this book and some of the issues described are part of the effect of the closet. While I am guessing that this book isn't really aimed at people who wouldn't be reading these books, it should still include that point of view as a matter of completeness.
Instead, the value is that sexuality is visibility. It does run counter in some places such as when it talks about ace spectrum people. It is just something that should be worked out a bit on the page.
When it does mention class, it is usually in context of saying that this is one more lens without going into it.
p 164. Talks about the conflation of identity and orientation but no mention of the ways that people are trying to get around it. A quick wiki search will give a few other options. Even mentioning a bit more about this issue would have been helpful to at least direct people towards it.
p,. 169 Talks about masculinity and toxic masculinity in terms of being the provider, being strong and unemotional, rich and successful but then offers examples of crying and liking soft toys as being feminine. Part of that flows (crying as an emotional response) and part does not. There is a real short change to this argument and maybe there could have been a different way of framing it.
There are different masculinities within a societal norm. I get that the author was trying to pick something that is universal and I think there is a failure in this case. It was jarring to see that liking soft toys means femininity and therefore gay in some cultures.
p. 172 The author generalizes his experience of not talking about his sexuality as closet. As I mentioned above, there is little to no discussion of social norms that do not talk about sexuality.
p. 173 Talks about colonialism and the role of women in public space being reduced. This is a class thing. I won't get into here because using one personal example doesn't disprove the author's point but it does put into question what analyses they have been using. I would argue that capitalism and where you are within it is more likely to cause the effects that the author is talking about. The effects are also not uniform across a country but probably more likely in urban environments rather than rural environments.
p. 177 Talks about his disagreement with the idea that queerness is white. As a PoC, there is something that happens in his community where homosexuality and queerness is seen as a white thing and there is no recognition that the concept of queer existed before colonization. I disagree with his characterization, especially since in a few pages before discusses how the English brought laws outlawing homosexuality where ever they went. The term queer and homosexual only became a thing in the late 19th century popularized by Europeans.
There are a few good books that talk about the history of queer and what pre definition culture looked like in America and Europe. They are few though. Regardless, I think I understand what the author is trying to get at but does it very clunkily.
The chapter on intersectionality focuses on Trans, Race and Ace. Social class gets one mention.
Now, I guess you could call these quibbles. Given the focus on needing education and having the words and ideas, these lack of mentions feel more like a blind spot. Yes, there is the admission that not everything is in here but then maybe leave out the word handbook.
I had a few other issues with some logic but I think I have made my general point that there is an underlying issue in the culture that is reflected here discussing the culture. Sedgwick talks about the issues with the closet and while there are some valid criticisms of her and Foucault work on this stuff, they have pointed out how it might make things worse to use that reference.
This is a good complementary book to having a few others. It is a decent starting point. It does require the caveat that if you are a bisexual you may not find yourself here but that doesn't mean you aren't valid or that your experiences are abnormal.
February 12, 2023
A wonderful breath of fresh air. A book that really cares about the diversity of its audience and you can really tell the author was invested in doing his best to make as many people as possible feel represented. I loved the film and tv talk at the start, an easy and engaging way to begin, and it was nice to have some of the gaps in history filled in about bi men (but also bi people in general)
Particularly loved the section on bi ace/aro people as that community is left out a lot, same for bi nonbinary people too. Even though this book was aimed at bi men, i still felt very seen as a bi person in general. Would have loved more insight into being bi and disabled (as a disabked reader) but i understand theres only so much that can be put into a novel and hope to see more books that approach that intersection in the future.
Will be posting a review on youtube at some point! Youtube.com/@artiecarden
Particularly loved the section on bi ace/aro people as that community is left out a lot, same for bi nonbinary people too. Even though this book was aimed at bi men, i still felt very seen as a bi person in general. Would have loved more insight into being bi and disabled (as a disabked reader) but i understand theres only so much that can be put into a novel and hope to see more books that approach that intersection in the future.
Will be posting a review on youtube at some point! Youtube.com/@artiecarden
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