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Taking Our Places: The Buddhist Path to Truly Growing Up – A Hands-On Guide to Adult Maturity and Enriching Relationships
This engaging contemplation of maturity addresses the long neglected topic of what it means to grow up, and provides a hands–on guide for skilfully navigating the demands of our adult lives. Growing up happens whether we like it or not, but maturity must be cultivated. Challenged to consider his own sense of maturity while mentoring a group of teenage boys, Fischer began to investigate our preconceptions about what it means to be "an adult" and shows how crucial true maturity is to leading an engaged, fulfilled life. Taking Our Places details the marks of a mature person and shows how these attributes can help alleviate our suffering and enrich our relationships. Discussing such qualities as awareness, responsibility, humour, acceptance, and humility, Fischer brings a fresh and at times surprising new perspective that can turn old ideas on their heads and reinvigorate our understanding of what it means to be mature.
208 pages, Paperback
First published May 6, 2003
32 people are currently reading
460 people want to read
About the author
Norman Fischer
71 books99 followersZoketsu Norman Fischer (born 1946) is an American poet, writer, and Soto Zen priest, teaching and practicing in the lineage of Shunryu Suzuki. He is a Dharma heir of Sojun Mel Weitsman, from whom he received Dharma transmission in 1988.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
July 29, 2025
I bought this book in Seattle in the Elliott Bay book shop (which is wonderful!) in 2016. Never touched it, but it is the perfect preparation for my India trip in August. Wonderfully rich and inspiring, a book to read again and again.
June 17, 2018
Little over a year ago, my father died of a brain tumor. A few weeks ago, my mother passed from renal failure. Although fully an adult based on my number of turns around the sun, the loss of my parents left parts of me feeling like an orphaned child. “I’m not ready, Mom!” I said, sitting beside her and holding her cooling hand. My young children growing, the thought that all my grandparents and parents have now passed, that my sister and I are now our immediate family’s most senior generation, has felt daunting and scary. The grown ups are supposed to be wise. They are supposed to be... something! And I am wanting to be an responsible one, whatever that means. What does being a grown up mean? What does maturing mean? This book explores those questions in a beautiful, warm, and engaging way. Written with reference to the author’s experience mentoring a group of four teenage boys, it is nevertheless pertinent to people at any moment in their lifetime process of growing up. I find it particularly helpful and poignant upon losing my parents as I venture forth on this new segment of my journey.
May 31, 2017
Beautiful. Quicker read than lots of Buddhism books. Great discussions of growing up, working with teens.
May 17, 2023
utmärkt!
April 18, 2015
just the right thing at the right time. Got it on a wander through a book store on a special evening; it just sort of sprung to hand. Hard to describe exactly what it means, beyond observing that maturity results more from deliberate effort than mere age. Fast read, but lots to think about.
September 29, 2015
A gentle presentation of what it can be to travel the Buddhist path. The author Norman Fischer comes across as a calm and wise observer and I was keen to read each reflection and its relation to the Buddha. The book is ultimately about living sangha, honourably and compassionately.
January 2, 2021
Discovered by chance at my local bookstore, this was the perfect short read for me as the parent of two small boys. Fischer uses Buddhist principles as a prism to discuss what maturity means and how its best understood as a lifelong pursuit that cannot be realized through aging alone.
"When we do contemplate the question of what it really means to be an adult, fear sets in. We recognize that despite our social position or accomplishments, despite our relationships, our education, and our psychological astuteness, we really don't know what we are doing with our lives. Where is our life going? What is the purpose for which we are born, the fulfillment we deeply seek? We look like grown-ups, we talk like grown-ups, maybe we have grown-up bank accounts and grown-up responsibilities - but do we really have any idea what we are about? And if, after much struggle, we think we know the answers to such questions, we are forced to ask another, more agonizing question: Are we living those answers? Or do our lives, in light of those answers, seem like afterthoughts, like still unformed story lines?" - Pg. 8
"Thinking about Martin Buber's wonderful statement that "all real living is meeting", we can appreciate that life is nothing but a series of encounters, and that we are always provided, whether we know it or not and whether we like it or not, with a clear choice: Do I move into this moment of meeting, or do I shrink away from it because it may require too much of me?" - Pg. 22
"What is true maturity anyway? It's a good question, one that needs to be pondered for a long time. There are answers to life's most important questions, but they are never final, they change as we change. Maybe true maturity is finding a way of keeping such questions alive throughout our lifetime. For when there are no more questions, we stop maturing and begin merely to age" - Pg. 25
"Being responsible is an inherently lively quality. It is the capacity to react completely and freely to conditions. Being responsible has nothing to do with control and conformity. Quite the contrary, responsibility is the willingness to confront nakedly and clearly what's in front of you on its own terms and to be called forth fresh by what occurs. The Greek root of the word "response" means to offer, to pledge. To be responsible is to offer yourself to what happens to you, to pledge yourself to your life. Being responsible in this sense isn't easy. Because it is so active and creative, responsibility is the enemy of all forms of laziness. It requires discovery and self-transcendence. To respond with authenticity, to really be present with what your life is, you have to let go of self-concern and preconception as much as possible and be true to your situation. You must have the courage to let yourself be overcome by what happens to you" - Pg. 26
"All human qualities have a flip side: we're loving, but we meddle, we're fearful, but we're helpfully prudent, we're critical, but we are very perceptive. It's all a dance. As we realize this, it seems increasingly silly to judge ourselves one way or the other" - Pg. 31
"Discipline is a way of reinforcing our intention and passion to live a wider life" - Pg. 137
"Our life is really nothing more than a series of moment-by-moment meetings. When we meditate, we can see this. Slowly down and focusing the mind, we meet what's inside us. Sitting quietly, paying close attention, we meet thoughts, we meet feelings. We meet our breath, we meet sensations in our body. We meet fear, memory, desire, aversion, the oddly taken-for-granted experience of identity. Every moment brings a new opportunity for meeting, every moment is a challenge to remain awake enough, soft and persistent enough, to be present with what comes forth" - Pg. 186
"When we do contemplate the question of what it really means to be an adult, fear sets in. We recognize that despite our social position or accomplishments, despite our relationships, our education, and our psychological astuteness, we really don't know what we are doing with our lives. Where is our life going? What is the purpose for which we are born, the fulfillment we deeply seek? We look like grown-ups, we talk like grown-ups, maybe we have grown-up bank accounts and grown-up responsibilities - but do we really have any idea what we are about? And if, after much struggle, we think we know the answers to such questions, we are forced to ask another, more agonizing question: Are we living those answers? Or do our lives, in light of those answers, seem like afterthoughts, like still unformed story lines?" - Pg. 8
"Thinking about Martin Buber's wonderful statement that "all real living is meeting", we can appreciate that life is nothing but a series of encounters, and that we are always provided, whether we know it or not and whether we like it or not, with a clear choice: Do I move into this moment of meeting, or do I shrink away from it because it may require too much of me?" - Pg. 22
"What is true maturity anyway? It's a good question, one that needs to be pondered for a long time. There are answers to life's most important questions, but they are never final, they change as we change. Maybe true maturity is finding a way of keeping such questions alive throughout our lifetime. For when there are no more questions, we stop maturing and begin merely to age" - Pg. 25
"Being responsible is an inherently lively quality. It is the capacity to react completely and freely to conditions. Being responsible has nothing to do with control and conformity. Quite the contrary, responsibility is the willingness to confront nakedly and clearly what's in front of you on its own terms and to be called forth fresh by what occurs. The Greek root of the word "response" means to offer, to pledge. To be responsible is to offer yourself to what happens to you, to pledge yourself to your life. Being responsible in this sense isn't easy. Because it is so active and creative, responsibility is the enemy of all forms of laziness. It requires discovery and self-transcendence. To respond with authenticity, to really be present with what your life is, you have to let go of self-concern and preconception as much as possible and be true to your situation. You must have the courage to let yourself be overcome by what happens to you" - Pg. 26
"All human qualities have a flip side: we're loving, but we meddle, we're fearful, but we're helpfully prudent, we're critical, but we are very perceptive. It's all a dance. As we realize this, it seems increasingly silly to judge ourselves one way or the other" - Pg. 31
"Discipline is a way of reinforcing our intention and passion to live a wider life" - Pg. 137
"Our life is really nothing more than a series of moment-by-moment meetings. When we meditate, we can see this. Slowly down and focusing the mind, we meet what's inside us. Sitting quietly, paying close attention, we meet thoughts, we meet feelings. We meet our breath, we meet sensations in our body. We meet fear, memory, desire, aversion, the oddly taken-for-granted experience of identity. Every moment brings a new opportunity for meeting, every moment is a challenge to remain awake enough, soft and persistent enough, to be present with what comes forth" - Pg. 186
March 22, 2021
My standards are high when it comes to Buddhist texts, and I love Norman Fischer and his clear writing. This book was eminently readable, and quite wise. My only quibble was that by the end it had taken on a quality of memoir writing that I don't always appreciate, which is the tying up of experience in a neat little bow and telling the reader exactly what it means. My own experiences are always messier. That said, this is a book well worth reading, that will lead into Zen insights well worth having.
January 14, 2019
I bought this book because it was perpetually on the "recommended by staff" shelf at Elliott Bay in Seattle. Perpetually.
I'm not sure what to do with this book. I've never been attracted to Eastern religion / philosophy, but there was something compelling about tying Zen Buddhism to an idea of becoming a fully mature individual - something I'm working on. But actually making this a practice...perhaps I'm just not courageous enough for that, for now.
I'm not sure what to do with this book. I've never been attracted to Eastern religion / philosophy, but there was something compelling about tying Zen Buddhism to an idea of becoming a fully mature individual - something I'm working on. But actually making this a practice...perhaps I'm just not courageous enough for that, for now.
June 28, 2019
Accessible writing and accessible Buddhist practice on how to live one's life with groundedness and singular integrity. I'm still processing what I've read here, but for me it's likely a top-five book on spiritual practice. I'm unpacking further on my blog - http://www.matthewwhitney.com/truly-g...
August 26, 2023
Overall, I really liked this gentle exploration of maturity. I felt it was strongest when Fischer writes from his own experience, drawing from insights on living and teaching in the Zen community. The book loses some of its vitality in the concluding chapters, when Fischer shifts gears into a more textbook-style description of virtues in Buddhism.
April 22, 2024
Excellent read by the great Norman Fischer, on growing up and attaining real maturity as a human being, and how to work with all parts of ourselves, the good, the bad and the ugly, and how to do so together with other. Recommended to anyone interested in such things, as well as in Zen Buddhism in general.
July 30, 2021
Super book. Helpful for understanding the maturation process in adult life, as well, as for teens. Sober, well-written, and wise. Age, in other words, does not automatically bring a seasoned approach to life. The Buddhist framework is instructive, but not necessary for the process.
April 25, 2022
I heard about this book from a colleague at work who recommended it as a timely read, given the global turmoil of the past few years and what that has meant for reflection and personal growth. So much wisdom in this book I had to get out a highlighter.
May 30, 2022
I enjoyed this book, but found that it could have been shorter. At times I lost interest. But ultimately, I did quite enjoy the perspectives offered by Zen Buddhism on the journey of growing up.
November 7, 2023
I really like Norman Fischer's writings. I thought this book might be good for my kids. It was pretty good but not as good as some of his other things.
August 28, 2024
one of those books full of wisdom to live by. sadly i spilled water all over my copy and never finished but i hope i can find another copy! 😭😭😭😭
December 24, 2022
Appreciated the lessons from this book, especially about the intentional practice of listening. Slightly Westernized in terms of Buddhist principles, but I don’t really think that undermines the authors intentions.
September 8, 2012
1. What did you find moving, notable and/or surprising about the information or point(s) of view introduced in this book?
I don't think there has been much emphasis on coming-of-age in Zen traditions in the west.
2. There are many provocative ideas in this book. Name one and explain why it captured your attention.
The idea that adolescents can benefit from a group like the one in the book is interesting. I was skeptical that it would work for many kids.
3. Did reading this book increase your interest in the subject matter? Decrease? Explain.
I have never been very interested in adolescents, and I'm still not very interested.
4. How has the information or point(s) of view in this book changed your view of certain situations, conditions, people or topics?
I feel less interested in the SF zen center. I was annoyed by the author's different treatment of the mothers and fathers in the closing ceremony.
5. In what ways does the book speak to your experience (currently or in the past)? Did you find any elements of this book discordant with your personal experience?
I hated rituals and ceremonies when I was the boys' age. I wonder how I would have tolerated such a group.
6. Did certain parts of this book make you uncomfortable? If so, why did you feel that way? Did this lead to a new understanding or awareness of some aspect of your life you might not have thought about before?
I didn't like the author's different treatment of the mothers and fathers in the closing ceremony. I have not been exposed to much sexism by western practitioners of buddhism. It made me think about how we all have failings.
7. Given the specific point(s) or theme(s) that the author emphasizes throughout the book, what questions or issues arise for you?
None.
8. How might the information, point of view, or content of this book apply to the provision of spiritual care?
We shouldn't exclude any group from those who could benefit from meditation. It can even help kids!
I don't think there has been much emphasis on coming-of-age in Zen traditions in the west.
2. There are many provocative ideas in this book. Name one and explain why it captured your attention.
The idea that adolescents can benefit from a group like the one in the book is interesting. I was skeptical that it would work for many kids.
3. Did reading this book increase your interest in the subject matter? Decrease? Explain.
I have never been very interested in adolescents, and I'm still not very interested.
4. How has the information or point(s) of view in this book changed your view of certain situations, conditions, people or topics?
I feel less interested in the SF zen center. I was annoyed by the author's different treatment of the mothers and fathers in the closing ceremony.
5. In what ways does the book speak to your experience (currently or in the past)? Did you find any elements of this book discordant with your personal experience?
I hated rituals and ceremonies when I was the boys' age. I wonder how I would have tolerated such a group.
6. Did certain parts of this book make you uncomfortable? If so, why did you feel that way? Did this lead to a new understanding or awareness of some aspect of your life you might not have thought about before?
I didn't like the author's different treatment of the mothers and fathers in the closing ceremony. I have not been exposed to much sexism by western practitioners of buddhism. It made me think about how we all have failings.
7. Given the specific point(s) or theme(s) that the author emphasizes throughout the book, what questions or issues arise for you?
None.
8. How might the information, point of view, or content of this book apply to the provision of spiritual care?
We shouldn't exclude any group from those who could benefit from meditation. It can even help kids!
November 7, 2014
The first thing I liked about this book was that it wasn't like a case study; with lots of scientific words no one understands and diagrams of the brain and what triggers what.
It's explained in an elegant, simple way and shows what maturity is through everyday situations - fights, relationships, etc. I heard that our brain is only completely matured at 25, meaning that we won't be mature enough till then, and we won't know what 'love' is till then. This book says anyone can be mature - there's no age limit. Being mature isn't something you suddenly start doing, or say 'it's okay I'll start tomorrow." It's not homework, it's an essential life skill. You could say that's it's a habit of how you deal with things and it deepens with experiences and goals while going through life. Another thing Norman Fischer covered in this amazing book is love. A lot of people regard love to a special emotion or an intimacy with a particular person. But this book says love is based on openness, care, trust and communication, and that's you should love everyone. It may sound a bit far-fetched, but it can change the way you perceive people.
This book has wisdom scattered across every page, and really teaches those who read this a lot. This is complex, filled with dense information, and you definitely can't read it if you're checking your phone every two minutes - you really need to concentrate or you won't retain any of the information.
Overall I think this book deserves 5 stars.
It's explained in an elegant, simple way and shows what maturity is through everyday situations - fights, relationships, etc. I heard that our brain is only completely matured at 25, meaning that we won't be mature enough till then, and we won't know what 'love' is till then. This book says anyone can be mature - there's no age limit. Being mature isn't something you suddenly start doing, or say 'it's okay I'll start tomorrow." It's not homework, it's an essential life skill. You could say that's it's a habit of how you deal with things and it deepens with experiences and goals while going through life. Another thing Norman Fischer covered in this amazing book is love. A lot of people regard love to a special emotion or an intimacy with a particular person. But this book says love is based on openness, care, trust and communication, and that's you should love everyone. It may sound a bit far-fetched, but it can change the way you perceive people.
This book has wisdom scattered across every page, and really teaches those who read this a lot. This is complex, filled with dense information, and you definitely can't read it if you're checking your phone every two minutes - you really need to concentrate or you won't retain any of the information.
Overall I think this book deserves 5 stars.
August 13, 2016
A beautiful, excellent book about what it means to be an adult and to participate in the world. Here, seemingly passive acceptance and compassion are revealed to support - and indeed entail - active engagement with our lives and the world. I read this slowly over several months, long enough that the library decided I had lost it (oops, should have renewed!), and I sense that I would absorb still more from another reading in a year or so.
August 4, 2015
Excellent book looking at both growing up and Buddhism from different and fruitful perspectives. The chapter on the Bodhisattva precepts (titled 'Conduct') is one of the better short introductions and commentaries on the precepts I've come across. The chapters on listening, connection, and vowing also stood out for me as Zen student and my particular challenges and struggles. Fischer also writes clearly and with elegance, which adds to the read.
November 27, 2013
It's difficult for me to be objective about this book. I have known Norm Fischer for several years and think very highly of how he teaches and what he teaches. This was one more way of hearing his voice and his wisdom. I don't know what I would've thought of it if I didn't know him personally.
I do wish that my sons had been two of the boys he worked with.
I do wish that my sons had been two of the boys he worked with.
July 28, 2015
"Taking Our Places" consists of Norman Fischer's reflections on mentoring a small group of young teenage boys, but it is about far more than that. It is a Zen teacher's perspective on maturing and meeting life as it is.
The style is engaging. Fischer has a subtle way of getting to his points. And his points frequently have a paradoxical quality.
The style is engaging. Fischer has a subtle way of getting to his points. And his points frequently have a paradoxical quality.
October 22, 2014
Fischer offers excellent gentle reminders throughout the book. Especially wise is the chapter on "Listening." He offers a few concrete practices to listen actively, a practice that is so needed and often ignored/forgotten.
November 5, 2009
I read this because it was recommended by local Zen teacher, Flint Sparks. I would recommend it to anyone who wonders how this path can help one lead a noble life.
September 11, 2014
Incredibly thought provoking. An inspirational and practical guide for becoming mature; for living life the best you can.
September 8, 2014
Absolutely moving read! Definitely read.
April 24, 2016
I really enjoyed this. I think that Fischer writes about Zen Buddhism in a way that is accessible and relatable. As someone struggling with growing up, there were some great thoughts on the process.
October 26, 2015
Simple message about how to live your life to its fullest potential.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews