Distory: A Treasury of Historical Insults

by Robert Schnakenberg

A Treasury of Historical Insults is a hilarious collection of insulting historical quotations in the vein of The Portable Curmudgeon that will have history buffs and readers of humor books in stitches. Full of lively quips, jabs, jaunts and put downs by and about notable figures, it covers all epochs of mostly Western history. Schnakenberg has collected more than 600 historical insults into this first collection of its kind.
"A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse."
- Alexander the Great "Belgium is just a country invented by the British to annoy the French."
- Charles de Gaulle "What can you do with a man who looks like a female llama surprised when bathing?"
- Winston Churchill on Charles de Gaulle "Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time."
- Lyndon B. Johnson "Avoid all needle drugs - -the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon."
- Abbie Hoffman

Genres: History, Humor, Reference, Politics, American History, Nonfiction

192 pages, Hardcover

First published December 15, 2004

About the author

Robert Schnakenberg has been called "the Howard Zinn of nerd pop culture." He is the author of more than a dozen books, including Old Man Drinks, Christopher Walken A-to-Z, Secret Lives of Great Authors, and the New York Times bestseller The Big Bad Book of Bill Murray. His work has appeared in Penthouse.

Reviews

[Mike (the Paladin) · Rating 5 out of 5]

The art of the insult has been around a long time and political insults are no exception. The most interesting thing for me I think here were the examples from our own (American) founders. Somehow I never pictured Jefferson, Adams or Lincoln "dissing" their opponents. This book runs the gamut from serious and deadly to hilarious.

For example:

Benjamin Disraeli on Joseph Chamberlain:
Mr. Chamberlain....looked and spoke like a cheesemonger.

Pat Buchanan on Bill Clinton:
"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much confined to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes."

John Adams on George Washington:
"That Washington is not a scholar is certain. That he is to illiterate, unlearned, unread for his station is equally beyond dispute."

Thomas Jefferson on John Adams:
"He is distrustful, obstinate, excessively vain, and takes no counsel from anyone...He is vain, irritable, and a bad calculator of the force and probable effect of the motives which govern men."

John F. Kennedy on Richard M. Nixon:
"He is a filthy lying son of a bitch, and a very dangerous man."

Sir Edward Coke, British jurist on (to) Sir Walter Raleigh:
"Thou art the most vile and execrable traitor that ever lived...thy name is hateful to all the realm of England....There never lived a more vile viper upon the face of the Earth than thou."

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you liked The Portable Curmudgeon, and I have to admit that I loved its snarky wit, this is the book for you. This book was a gift--memo to me, I need to cut down on the sarcastic comments--and, unfortunately I read most of it at work. This resulted in stifled snorts of laughter at the most inappropriate times. In the United States, we tend to venerate our Founding Fathers, but, in reality, they could verbally bitch slap each other with the gusto of hound puppies. And these insults don't stop with national borders--everyone is fair game. One of my favorites was Winston Churchill's observation about Charles De Gaulle--"What can you do with a man who looks like a female llama surprised while bathing?" Priceless. One note: this book needs to be savored in small segments so as to enjoy each insult to the maximum.

[Shane]

"Distory" by Robert Schnakenberg is a collection of bitch slaps from historical figures to other historical figures or countries or the citizens of countries - a rather slim volume, and not as hysterical as I'd've preferred, but worth a buck if found at a used book store - or better still check it out from a library, which is what I did. One of the virtues of this is that it serves as a sort of revisionist history in which we hear zingers directed at what have become sacred cows, and sacred cows often zing right back, so that's rather zingy and adds a bit of a wrinkle to the usual gloss and such of the way historical critters are often constructed.

[Emily D · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book, then read the entire thing in the parking lot. Awkward for many people who happened by, as I laughed and nodded and said "seriously!" in an empty vehicle. I would recommend this to any student of history primarily, but also for anyone who likes a good jab in the ribs. There are so many funny lines (and a few that are chilling) and some that are surprising. The quotes would be great to pull out when teaching History as insults have always been a matter of form for students. Perhaps they would get a better appreciation of the continuity of time. Yep.

[Sewveryblessed · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband chose this as a gift and honestly it was so appropriate. How many times have I thought with my inside voice about hurling an insult, but with poetic flair and Victorian wit. This is a great handbook of ideas and real-life quotes from people who were roasting each other long before the term "roasting" was coined. This small book includes literary takedowns and political jabs, which make modern insults look weak. Why would I say "jerk" if I could say "you're a clotpole" or "you have the depth of a puddle in July"? Much more satisfying and memorable. History’s greatest feuds and rivalries, along with just minor pettiness are all included in this laughable book.

Human nature really doesn't change; just the vocabulary. Upgrade your insult game with some of the following ideas.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." — Winston Churchill

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend—if you have one." — George Bernard Shaw, to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second—if there is one." — Churchill’s reply

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good." — Samuel Johnson

"The only difference between him and a ray of sunshine is that he doesn’t brighten up the room when he leaves it." — Oscar Wilde

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." — Abraham Lincoln

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

[Reza Amiri Praramadhan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Throughout the time, insults have been a way to showcase a person's wit and eloquence with words. Throughout the book, I can see some of the most colourful insults ever thrown at other people. It is such a shame that the world today was so much suffocated with political correctness, with people easily offended, and the best insult people have seen for a while was when Obama "dropped the mic". How very lame.

[Rev. M. M. Walters · Rating 3 out of 5]

A collection of historical insults heavily dependent upon British politics. Some are funny, many are cruel; others are traded back and forth. The book is a good diversion for a warm summer afternoon.

[Troy Blackford · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating collection taken as a whole, yet it seems (subjectively to me at least) obvious that one of two things happened:

This book would have been very short if only the really -awesome- insults were in.

OR

The author had no sense of what represented a 'wicked historical burn' over a 'frankly, i don't like it.'

I am much more apt to believe the former. This is a small little book, but it could have been a BRILLIANT t-shirt. Not a complaint - this is exactly what the book purports to be.

[Scott Golden · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting, quick read. A lot of the disses come down to ad-hominem personal attacks, and this causes the book to drag a bit; however, the more creative disses (predictably, some of the best are from Winston Churchill) make it worthwhile to slog through the bile.
My personal favorite dis: Abraham Lincoln, on his debate opponent Stephen A. Douglas: "His argument is as thin as the soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death." Abe rocked it!

[Erin A · Rating 1 out of 5]

I only got about a fourth of the way through it because none of the jokes were funny. It was just a list of people insulting presidents, and occasionally presidents, past and present, insulting one another, but they weren't even witticisms that could be reused; they were just flat-out insults. I grew bored with the book quickly, and I have no intention of ever picking it up again.

Recommend this? Never.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is another dip-into book. What did the other politicians of the day call Abraham Lincoln, or Winston Churchill? And what did Lincoln and Churchill have to say about them? I can see myself going back to this book as I read various biographies or historical novels, to add more information about people I’m interested in.

[Mark Woodland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Screamingly funny, but you do have to know your history to fully appreciate it.

[Samuel · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's too short...but it's a lot of fun.

[Douglas Wilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny.

[Mark Woodland · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very fun read, with some surprising insults having been cast by people that will surprise you.

[Kyle LaPorte · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Churchill quotes were worth the price of admission.

[Debbie is on Storygraph · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty funny. I laughed out loud many times while reading this. Not much substance, but amusing.

[Bill Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

An intellectual and historical laugh riot.

[John Adkins · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice collection of historical jabs. A pleasant read.