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Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality
Dismissals such as "boys will be boys" and "not all men" are ingrained in our world. And the purity culture of our youth sold the same excuses with a spiritual spin. Can we break the toxic cycle and recover a healthy identity for men?
In Non-Toxic Masculinity, Zachary Wagner tells men, "If you are in Christ, this is your problem―and you should be part of the solution."
Reflecting on his own coming of age in the purity culture movement and ongoing recovery from sexual shame, Wagner confronts harmful teaching from the American church that has distorted desire, sex, relationships, and responsibility. For those―both men and women―who feel disillusioned and adrift, this book offers a renewed vision for Christian male sexuality founded in empathy and selflessness.
In Non-Toxic Masculinity, Zachary Wagner tells men, "If you are in Christ, this is your problem―and you should be part of the solution."
Reflecting on his own coming of age in the purity culture movement and ongoing recovery from sexual shame, Wagner confronts harmful teaching from the American church that has distorted desire, sex, relationships, and responsibility. For those―both men and women―who feel disillusioned and adrift, this book offers a renewed vision for Christian male sexuality founded in empathy and selflessness.
208 pages, Paperback
First published April 4, 2023
42 people are currently reading
987 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 117 reviews
September 10, 2023
As much as I want men to read The Great Sex Rescue, I want women to read this book. Really enjoyed it. There were moments where I thought that his insights were overly basic but this might be a problem with the reader, who unfortunately has an insatiable (and damned) appetite for constant novelty. Actually, I’m willing to venture that him stating the hopefully-obvious facts about men, women, sex, purity culture, etc. is a virtue, a small act of defiance against, as Nouwen called it, “the temptation to be spectacular.”
Besides that, I don’t actually think he was writing purely obvious facts because at every point that I wanted to think “everyone knows this,” all I had to do was think about actual anecdotes from my own life, my own youth group experiences, and the stories I’ve heard from my male friends. I do think these ideas are becoming more widely held, but I also think Wagner is contributing to that effort with the content of this book.
Besides that, I don’t actually think he was writing purely obvious facts because at every point that I wanted to think “everyone knows this,” all I had to do was think about actual anecdotes from my own life, my own youth group experiences, and the stories I’ve heard from my male friends. I do think these ideas are becoming more widely held, but I also think Wagner is contributing to that effort with the content of this book.
March 28, 2023
Zachary Wagner covers a dizzying array of issues in this book, unpacking the implications of evangelical purity culture on men's internal experiences, perception of their sexuality, and relationships with women. Wagner makes space for a range of different experiences, and in addition to sharing his own story, he also shares stories from other men, including some who left Christianity behind because of the harm they experienced within purity culture. Although Wagner holds to a traditional sexual ethic, he never focuses on defending it. Instead, he focuses on explaining why legalistic, unbiblical beliefs about sexuality are harmful, how these beliefs dehumanize both men and women, and how men can heal from harm done to them, repent of harm they may have done to women, and move forward into a healthier understanding of themselves, women, God, and human sexuality.
Thoughtful and Nuanced
Throughout this book, Wagner writes about harm done to women and men in purity culture. Sometimes, this involves calling men out for their problems, but he also acknowledges harm done to men through unwise teachings. I appreciated his reflections on the enormous shame and guilt that many Christian boys and men experience simply because they are sexual beings, feeling like horrible monsters just because they find the female form attractive. Wagner also addresses unique issues for gay men and men with low sex drives, who are usually marginalized and unacknowledged in the church. Overall, Wagner shares a very nuanced perspective about male sexuality, and his reflections on the harm and shame associated with pornography will be helpful for many men who feel guilty and unworthy because of this struggle without having any constructive way to view it or pursue effective change.
Wagner addresses a wide variety of ways that purity culture hurts people, sharing others' stories and writing about his own experiences from adolescence and as an adult married to a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. As he explains from the beginning, his wife gave him her full blessing to write about their sexual struggles within marriage and participated in parts of his writing process that involved her. Their honesty about this challenging topic can help people facing similar struggles, and Wagner writes about how being sensitive to his wife's needs required him to grow and mature beyond the low expectations that purity culture had for him.
Wagner shares thoughtful, nuanced perspectives on women's struggles within purity culture and church culture at large, and although he wrote this book primarily for men, he also invites a female readership. Overall, I found this helpful, but I would have preferred less emphasis on women's issues, since they have been a major part of sexuality discourse for so long and are the center of every conversation and resource about purity culture. Sure, not every man who picks up this book will already know a lot about women's issues, but many will, and I would have liked a greater focus on harm done to men, and more examples of what this ignored problem can look like.
My Biggest Critique
Most egregiously, even though Wagner writes about the impact of sexual abuse on boys' development, he only writes about male perpetrators. At one point, when he writes about harmful messaging in churches that portrays women as seductresses, he notes that "few women, and even fewer Christian women, intentionally use their sexuality to harm men." It is unusual, but it happens, and criminal abuse by women is typically under-reported, due to social stigma against male abuse victims and the confusion that boys may experience about what constitutes sexual abuse. Healing the Wounded Heart by Dan Allender is a helpful resource that acknowledges these realities and shares insight into female-against-male abuse dynamics.
Both men and women need to know and acknowledge that there are female perpetrators too, that there are women who behave in sexually manipulative ways, and that there are girls and women who don't respect their male partners' physical boundaries and take advantage of them. I wish this book had acknowledged these realities. This is probably just a blind spot for Wagner, not something he sidestepped to avoid offending women, but it disappointed me that he did not acknowledge additional wounds his male readers might be carrying, even though this book is ostensibly for them. I hope Wagner will reconsider how he addresses this in his future writing and speaking.
Conclusion
This book covers a wide range of important topics. People will agree or disagree with the author about different things, but there is something here for anyone who grew up around the kind of messaging around sexuality that Wagner unpacks. Regardless whether someone experienced any significant harm because of purity culture or not, there is something here for them, and although I sometimes wished that Wagner had narrowed this down to a more specific audience to speak with more emphasis on certain things instead of constantly acknowledging arguments for multiple different views, this book is accessible to people who grew up in this kind of environment or love someone who did, regardless of their current beliefs.
I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
Thoughtful and Nuanced
Throughout this book, Wagner writes about harm done to women and men in purity culture. Sometimes, this involves calling men out for their problems, but he also acknowledges harm done to men through unwise teachings. I appreciated his reflections on the enormous shame and guilt that many Christian boys and men experience simply because they are sexual beings, feeling like horrible monsters just because they find the female form attractive. Wagner also addresses unique issues for gay men and men with low sex drives, who are usually marginalized and unacknowledged in the church. Overall, Wagner shares a very nuanced perspective about male sexuality, and his reflections on the harm and shame associated with pornography will be helpful for many men who feel guilty and unworthy because of this struggle without having any constructive way to view it or pursue effective change.
Wagner addresses a wide variety of ways that purity culture hurts people, sharing others' stories and writing about his own experiences from adolescence and as an adult married to a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. As he explains from the beginning, his wife gave him her full blessing to write about their sexual struggles within marriage and participated in parts of his writing process that involved her. Their honesty about this challenging topic can help people facing similar struggles, and Wagner writes about how being sensitive to his wife's needs required him to grow and mature beyond the low expectations that purity culture had for him.
Wagner shares thoughtful, nuanced perspectives on women's struggles within purity culture and church culture at large, and although he wrote this book primarily for men, he also invites a female readership. Overall, I found this helpful, but I would have preferred less emphasis on women's issues, since they have been a major part of sexuality discourse for so long and are the center of every conversation and resource about purity culture. Sure, not every man who picks up this book will already know a lot about women's issues, but many will, and I would have liked a greater focus on harm done to men, and more examples of what this ignored problem can look like.
My Biggest Critique
Most egregiously, even though Wagner writes about the impact of sexual abuse on boys' development, he only writes about male perpetrators. At one point, when he writes about harmful messaging in churches that portrays women as seductresses, he notes that "few women, and even fewer Christian women, intentionally use their sexuality to harm men." It is unusual, but it happens, and criminal abuse by women is typically under-reported, due to social stigma against male abuse victims and the confusion that boys may experience about what constitutes sexual abuse. Healing the Wounded Heart by Dan Allender is a helpful resource that acknowledges these realities and shares insight into female-against-male abuse dynamics.
Both men and women need to know and acknowledge that there are female perpetrators too, that there are women who behave in sexually manipulative ways, and that there are girls and women who don't respect their male partners' physical boundaries and take advantage of them. I wish this book had acknowledged these realities. This is probably just a blind spot for Wagner, not something he sidestepped to avoid offending women, but it disappointed me that he did not acknowledge additional wounds his male readers might be carrying, even though this book is ostensibly for them. I hope Wagner will reconsider how he addresses this in his future writing and speaking.
Conclusion
This book covers a wide range of important topics. People will agree or disagree with the author about different things, but there is something here for anyone who grew up around the kind of messaging around sexuality that Wagner unpacks. Regardless whether someone experienced any significant harm because of purity culture or not, there is something here for them, and although I sometimes wished that Wagner had narrowed this down to a more specific audience to speak with more emphasis on certain things instead of constantly acknowledging arguments for multiple different views, this book is accessible to people who grew up in this kind of environment or love someone who did, regardless of their current beliefs.
I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
October 4, 2025
I was feeling conflicted about some aspects of Wagner’s approach—until the final two chapters, which were easily worth the price of admission to me. Chapter 14 (Fatherhood: The Chief End of Male Sexuality) was beautifully expressed and adds valuable insight to a fraught discussion.
When I finished it, I was surprised to realise that I would be comfortable handing this book to readers of any religion or none who want to understand the last 50 years of developments in attitudes to sexuality in Christianity, confident that even if they disagreed totally with Christian sexual ethics, they would appreciate Wagner’s balanced and exceptionally respectful handling of differing perspectives, his vulnerability, intellectual honesty, and his genuine faith.
In retrospect, the tone that makes that kind of recommendation possible is what put me off a bit in the first chapters, and will put off some evangelical readers—which would be a shame, as they would miss the captivating vision for a healthy, strong, compassionate Christian masculinity articulated in the final chapters.
To give a specific example, earlier in the book, Wagner references thinkers who express their opinion that certain forms of pornography are ethically defensible. Later, Wagner explains why he disagrees with this idea and why he sees all porn as an objectification and commodification of human bodies as well as a distraction from the hard but rewarding work of developing lasting, fruitful relationships of mutuality and honour. Some readers may feel uncomfortable in the gap between. I did.
I appreciated this book as a mother of sons, a wife, and a writer of fictional male characters, and I expect some insights from this book (most especially the latter parts) to stick with me.
When I finished it, I was surprised to realise that I would be comfortable handing this book to readers of any religion or none who want to understand the last 50 years of developments in attitudes to sexuality in Christianity, confident that even if they disagreed totally with Christian sexual ethics, they would appreciate Wagner’s balanced and exceptionally respectful handling of differing perspectives, his vulnerability, intellectual honesty, and his genuine faith.
In retrospect, the tone that makes that kind of recommendation possible is what put me off a bit in the first chapters, and will put off some evangelical readers—which would be a shame, as they would miss the captivating vision for a healthy, strong, compassionate Christian masculinity articulated in the final chapters.
To give a specific example, earlier in the book, Wagner references thinkers who express their opinion that certain forms of pornography are ethically defensible. Later, Wagner explains why he disagrees with this idea and why he sees all porn as an objectification and commodification of human bodies as well as a distraction from the hard but rewarding work of developing lasting, fruitful relationships of mutuality and honour. Some readers may feel uncomfortable in the gap between. I did.
I appreciated this book as a mother of sons, a wife, and a writer of fictional male characters, and I expect some insights from this book (most especially the latter parts) to stick with me.
February 7, 2023
Finally, a book about how purity culture harms men, written by a man. Zachary Wagner writes with the heart of a pastor and the empathy of a fellow survivor of purity culture. Through his personal story, interviews, and cultural commentary, Wagner makes a powerful argument for how purity culture dehumanizes men. He also shares a renewed vision of male sexuality and how this sexuality develops through the lifespan. I will wholeheartedly recommend this book not just to men looking to rebuild a healthier sexuality, but to women who want to understand the men in their lives and how the effects of toxic masculinity hurt both of them.
July 10, 2023
Between a 3.5 and 4/5.
In an age of #MeToo, #ChurchToo, and numerous high-profile sexual scandals and crimes involving powerful men, Zachary Wagner's 'Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality' is a sensitive and winsome book that pastorally addresses the crisis of masculinity that has engulfed American evangelicalism.
It is commonplace for evangelicals to look back on their upbringing and critique its conservative excesses (which often masked as faithfulness to a particular context and culture rather than the drama of Scripture). In 'Non-Toxic Masculinity,' Wagner takes aim at the purity culture and conservative teaching on sex-specific roles that shaped him and millions like him. He critiques books such as 'Every Man's Battle,' 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye,' and 'Wild at Heart,' acknowledging their intentions may have been good but their proscriptions were misguided and not in accord with the Bible; purity culture contributed to evangelical men's (and women's) crippling shame and guilt about sex and their bodies while the brash teachings of pastors like Mark Driscoll, while perhaps beneficial in challenging some underachieving, unambitious men towards maturity, nevertheless also spread demeaning and vulgar views among many believers. He holds to a traditional sex ethic that includes abstaining from sex until marriage but he also rejects the condemnatory attitude of purity culture that shames those who have lost their virginity before then.
After recounting the history of purity culture and critiquing its misguided teachings, Wagner sets forth a positive vision for male sexuality. He addresses numerous widespread evangelical teachings on sexuality, such as the misconception that 1 Corinthians 7 justifies "on-demand" sex from wives, that men and women should not marry just to appease sexual frustration, etc...He points to Jesus as the true man, the ONLY man who is perfectly pure. Jesus did not have sex, he never had children, yet he was fatherly nonetheless, in tune with his emotions, delighting in the Father's will.
In the third and final section, Wagner further articulates what it means to practice non-toxic masculinity. Much of this revolves around uplifting women's dignity so that they are fully equal within Christian communities (in fundamentalism and evangelicalism, women are shamed for being "scantily-clad," even when all this amounts to is bare shoulders in the summer); while not outright advocating egalitarianism, Wagner nonetheless contends more church's should have women in places of leadership so that their unique voices and concerns are heard. I tend to think there is something to complementarianism and a greater proclivity towards abuse but Wagner fairly critiques egalitarianism too, noting that Bill Hybels, a megachurch pastor outspoken for his egalitarian views, has been accused of sexual misconduct (I would also mention the other co-founder of Willow Creek, Gilbert Bilezikian, who has faced similar charges). Wagner also critiques the "Billy Graham" rule that would prevent men and women from meeting one-on-one in private and from cultivating opposite-sex friendships. He admits that marital sex may not necessarily be mind-blowing and that that is one of the lies of the "sexual prosperity gospel." Wagner also challenges men to pay attention to their wife's needs (not just sexual, but sharing in household duties as well). Men's relationship to pornography is prevalent throughout the book; Wagner sees the good in accountability groups and software but also points to their shortcomings. These groups and software may be good guardrails at times but they can also make us become apathetic about pursuing holiness because "everybody's doing it" (p. 149-50). Rather than relying on these, Christian men ought to be cultivating spiritual virtue that can effectively resist lust and temptation. Those who confess to watching porn should both take their sin seriously and seek to resist it but they should be handled gently, lovingly, and not shamed. Wagner also speaks on the connection between sexuality and fatherhood, helpfully pointing out that a paternal spirit is not limited to flesh-and-blood sons and daughters but to children on a sports team or in Sunday school. With his wife's full permission, Wagner weaves their own story throughout the book, including therapy from recovering from sexual trauma.
In a book on male sexuality much of the content focuses on heteronormative relationships, but I commend Wagner for inclusively touching on the experiences of LGBTQ+ Christians as well as long-term (life-long?) singles, all while acknowledging his own social positioning. He keenly writes, "Perhaps the reason some are threatened by the presence of queer people in church is that we have idolized the institution of heterosexual marriage as the apex of human flourishing. The problem may not be sexual minorities' erotic inclinations as much as the church's failure to cultivate the Bible's picture of Christian kinship seriously" (p. 142).
I hover between a 3.5/5 and a 4/5 because much of the content wasn't all that new to me. I also largely avoided purity culture, missing out on youth group growing up and only seriously dating in my late twenties - and I am Canadian! I read 'Wild at Heart' and 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' but rejected their main themes; Joshua Harris was a classmate of mine at Regent College before his exit from the Christian faith. Like most men, I have struggled with porn and joined an accountability group for a time, but I resonate with Wagner's commentary that these groups are often ineffective; I often thought to myself, "I think we could help each other out even more by becoming friends outside of the church basement on a Thursday night - why can't we go bowling?" because so much of porn's pull is about connection.
Zachary and his wife Shelby's own story is moving and feature prominently in this book (experience, even tragedy, can be a teacher). But one critique I would make is that the book does come across as "surface level" at times and even obvious to most Christians ("Huh, I should express my masculinity by helping in household chores - never thought of that!"). I think everyone can have a contribution to make to a discussion but a PhD in New Testament may not translate in articulating as deep a vision of male sexuality the same way a PhD in psychology or sociology does (but I also want to avoid the cult of the academic guild in which only credentialed "experts" can weigh in on issues). Many of the sources were very recent and frequently cited (especially Curt Thompson, Jonathan Grant, Sheila Wray Gregoire, and Bridget Eileen Rivera) but this is not a heavy academic work and thus it is also readable and accessible.
I don't read many books on manhood or masculinity as I think many of these come across as slanted towards the "Wild at Heart" version of masculinity that Wagner critiques. I would commend 'Non-Toxic Masculinity' to readers for its sensitivity, relatability, and its winsomeness.
In an age of #MeToo, #ChurchToo, and numerous high-profile sexual scandals and crimes involving powerful men, Zachary Wagner's 'Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality' is a sensitive and winsome book that pastorally addresses the crisis of masculinity that has engulfed American evangelicalism.
It is commonplace for evangelicals to look back on their upbringing and critique its conservative excesses (which often masked as faithfulness to a particular context and culture rather than the drama of Scripture). In 'Non-Toxic Masculinity,' Wagner takes aim at the purity culture and conservative teaching on sex-specific roles that shaped him and millions like him. He critiques books such as 'Every Man's Battle,' 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye,' and 'Wild at Heart,' acknowledging their intentions may have been good but their proscriptions were misguided and not in accord with the Bible; purity culture contributed to evangelical men's (and women's) crippling shame and guilt about sex and their bodies while the brash teachings of pastors like Mark Driscoll, while perhaps beneficial in challenging some underachieving, unambitious men towards maturity, nevertheless also spread demeaning and vulgar views among many believers. He holds to a traditional sex ethic that includes abstaining from sex until marriage but he also rejects the condemnatory attitude of purity culture that shames those who have lost their virginity before then.
After recounting the history of purity culture and critiquing its misguided teachings, Wagner sets forth a positive vision for male sexuality. He addresses numerous widespread evangelical teachings on sexuality, such as the misconception that 1 Corinthians 7 justifies "on-demand" sex from wives, that men and women should not marry just to appease sexual frustration, etc...He points to Jesus as the true man, the ONLY man who is perfectly pure. Jesus did not have sex, he never had children, yet he was fatherly nonetheless, in tune with his emotions, delighting in the Father's will.
In the third and final section, Wagner further articulates what it means to practice non-toxic masculinity. Much of this revolves around uplifting women's dignity so that they are fully equal within Christian communities (in fundamentalism and evangelicalism, women are shamed for being "scantily-clad," even when all this amounts to is bare shoulders in the summer); while not outright advocating egalitarianism, Wagner nonetheless contends more church's should have women in places of leadership so that their unique voices and concerns are heard. I tend to think there is something to complementarianism and a greater proclivity towards abuse but Wagner fairly critiques egalitarianism too, noting that Bill Hybels, a megachurch pastor outspoken for his egalitarian views, has been accused of sexual misconduct (I would also mention the other co-founder of Willow Creek, Gilbert Bilezikian, who has faced similar charges). Wagner also critiques the "Billy Graham" rule that would prevent men and women from meeting one-on-one in private and from cultivating opposite-sex friendships. He admits that marital sex may not necessarily be mind-blowing and that that is one of the lies of the "sexual prosperity gospel." Wagner also challenges men to pay attention to their wife's needs (not just sexual, but sharing in household duties as well). Men's relationship to pornography is prevalent throughout the book; Wagner sees the good in accountability groups and software but also points to their shortcomings. These groups and software may be good guardrails at times but they can also make us become apathetic about pursuing holiness because "everybody's doing it" (p. 149-50). Rather than relying on these, Christian men ought to be cultivating spiritual virtue that can effectively resist lust and temptation. Those who confess to watching porn should both take their sin seriously and seek to resist it but they should be handled gently, lovingly, and not shamed. Wagner also speaks on the connection between sexuality and fatherhood, helpfully pointing out that a paternal spirit is not limited to flesh-and-blood sons and daughters but to children on a sports team or in Sunday school. With his wife's full permission, Wagner weaves their own story throughout the book, including therapy from recovering from sexual trauma.
In a book on male sexuality much of the content focuses on heteronormative relationships, but I commend Wagner for inclusively touching on the experiences of LGBTQ+ Christians as well as long-term (life-long?) singles, all while acknowledging his own social positioning. He keenly writes, "Perhaps the reason some are threatened by the presence of queer people in church is that we have idolized the institution of heterosexual marriage as the apex of human flourishing. The problem may not be sexual minorities' erotic inclinations as much as the church's failure to cultivate the Bible's picture of Christian kinship seriously" (p. 142).
I hover between a 3.5/5 and a 4/5 because much of the content wasn't all that new to me. I also largely avoided purity culture, missing out on youth group growing up and only seriously dating in my late twenties - and I am Canadian! I read 'Wild at Heart' and 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' but rejected their main themes; Joshua Harris was a classmate of mine at Regent College before his exit from the Christian faith. Like most men, I have struggled with porn and joined an accountability group for a time, but I resonate with Wagner's commentary that these groups are often ineffective; I often thought to myself, "I think we could help each other out even more by becoming friends outside of the church basement on a Thursday night - why can't we go bowling?" because so much of porn's pull is about connection.
Zachary and his wife Shelby's own story is moving and feature prominently in this book (experience, even tragedy, can be a teacher). But one critique I would make is that the book does come across as "surface level" at times and even obvious to most Christians ("Huh, I should express my masculinity by helping in household chores - never thought of that!"). I think everyone can have a contribution to make to a discussion but a PhD in New Testament may not translate in articulating as deep a vision of male sexuality the same way a PhD in psychology or sociology does (but I also want to avoid the cult of the academic guild in which only credentialed "experts" can weigh in on issues). Many of the sources were very recent and frequently cited (especially Curt Thompson, Jonathan Grant, Sheila Wray Gregoire, and Bridget Eileen Rivera) but this is not a heavy academic work and thus it is also readable and accessible.
I don't read many books on manhood or masculinity as I think many of these come across as slanted towards the "Wild at Heart" version of masculinity that Wagner critiques. I would commend 'Non-Toxic Masculinity' to readers for its sensitivity, relatability, and its winsomeness.
Read
October 26, 2025Lots of books have been written to unpack the damage done by "purity culture" of the 90's and 00's, but this might be the first one I've seen specifically by a man on the ways the movement affected men. While men are the target audience and I hope a lot of them read it, I still found this a valuable book on a couple of different axes. While the author is quick to acknowledge that purity culture was most oppressive to women, his exploration of the ways men were harmed is also sobering and helpful for women wanting to support the men in our lives. Beyond that, however, the book may also be of assistance to women whose experience of their own sexuality, for whatever reason, fit more easily into the categories designated (often arbitrarily) by purity culture teachings for male sexuality.
While much in this book went over familiar ground, this one definitely also helped me solidify some of the thinking and reconstructing I've been trying to do on these topics myself. The second-last chapter on the telos of sexuality was particularly excellent and pushed a little further than I have seen from other books. Definitely would recommend.
While much in this book went over familiar ground, this one definitely also helped me solidify some of the thinking and reconstructing I've been trying to do on these topics myself. The second-last chapter on the telos of sexuality was particularly excellent and pushed a little further than I have seen from other books. Definitely would recommend.
May 1, 2025
I don't feel like I was affected as negatively by purity culture as those a few years older than me, but this book is a well-written rebuke of the sexual prosperity gospel and hyper-focus on sexuality (or the repression thereof) of that era. I didn't agree with everything he writes (he's perhaps more permissive than I'm comfortable with), but this is still an excellent read to balance out many of the trite and simplistic things most of us heard as teens. I also appreciated that his advice wasn't only for singles, as is often the case. His main ideas of what a positive view of male sexuality looks like may not be new to you, but it made me think about things in new ways and I would recommend it to most people.
June 1, 2024
You can check out all my chapter-by-chapter summaries and quotes on my Notion site.
This is a hard book to review. tbh it's a 3.5 for me. There were places where I was cheering and calling Kate over to read an excerpt that connected with me; then there were places where I laid in bed talking about how illogical and frustrating some of Wagner's claims were.
Pros:
• As a product of purity culture myself I reflect a lot of Wagner's anger at the way purity culture misrepresented not only sex but the gospel itself. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the "Purity Culture Prosperity Gospel" after Wagner discussed it.
• Page 48 & 49 in the chapter, "The Dehumanization of Men," is worth the whole book in my opinion. This section, and this chapter in general was so freeing to me. It really changed my outlook on sexual formation, and how I have been let down by the conversations about sexuality that I grew up with. Here are some quotes that really did it for me:
This is too good!!!!
• Wagner really goes all in to show how purity culture can and does perpetuate harm toward women and girls. How it truly is an antiChristian message, and has no place in the Church. Pop off, King.
Now to the Cons...
Cons:
• My primary issue with this book is Wagner's evident anger. Now, his anger is rightly placed. Abuse of men, women, children, and boys; and the societal and religious structures that create the fertile ground for the abuse to take place is worthy of righteous anger. But Wagner's anger goes further than this. It seeps deep into his rhetoric and, in some places (especially the sections about purity culture) trends toward "tantrumic," (Can I make that word up? Just did.) For me, this was a turnoff. Wagner's emotion seeped into his writing and undercut his ideas (that I agreed with most of!).
• Most of this book is a manifesto against purity culture (to which I agree wholeheartedly!). But when the subtitle of your book is, Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality, I expect a robust vision of male sexuality given in place of your critique of the current vision. But most of this book felt like angry finger-pointing and complaining (of which, I agreed with most of his critiques!!) and did not give adequate reconstruction toward a healthy vision. This is not to say there is no healthy vision of male sexuality. My issue is that Wagner spilled more ink complaining about the failures of our current vision than he did casting his healthy vision. It is easy, especially in our current outrage culture, to complain from the outside. It is hard, after your critique, to stay around and help rebuild what you've just torn down. And yes, dear reader, I recognize the hypocrisy in my critique of this book.
• Wager just said stuff. In multiple places in the book, he would state his opinion on something as if it were fact. He would not cite sources, he would not frame his statement as an opinion, he would say it as fact. Now, this may just be a rhetorical difference between Wagner and me, but this is one of my biggest issues with his book. To not fall into the same trap, here's an example of a time Wager did this:
The implication of sexual conquest in childhood stories is not a new theory. In fact, I could give him the citation!! In Joseph Cambell's The Hero With a Thousand Faces, Campbell speaks at length about this idea in the chapters The Meeting with the Goddess and Woman as the Temptress. But Wager does not give the citations, he just makes a statement that he thinks is right and thinks everyone will agree with. Ugh.
So yes, a mixed book for me. At his best, Wager gives the (somewhat bare) framework for us to begin to rehumanize men and boys. At it's worst this book simply adds more noise to the crowed yelling, "The olds are bad, down with the olds and the systems they built!!"
Oh, and obviously this review is my opinion, and not fact 😁.
This is a hard book to review. tbh it's a 3.5 for me. There were places where I was cheering and calling Kate over to read an excerpt that connected with me; then there were places where I laid in bed talking about how illogical and frustrating some of Wagner's claims were.
Pros:
• As a product of purity culture myself I reflect a lot of Wagner's anger at the way purity culture misrepresented not only sex but the gospel itself. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the "Purity Culture Prosperity Gospel" after Wagner discussed it.
• Page 48 & 49 in the chapter, "The Dehumanization of Men," is worth the whole book in my opinion. This section, and this chapter in general was so freeing to me. It really changed my outlook on sexual formation, and how I have been let down by the conversations about sexuality that I grew up with. Here are some quotes that really did it for me:
"Purity culture dehumanizes women and girls by over-sexualizing their bodies. It dehumanizes men and boys by over-sexualizing their minds." - pg. 48
"It teaches that men, because they are men, view the world through an erotic lens. 'Men are visual,' and a man cannot be expected to resist the overwhelming physical response he experiences at the unwelcome thought, sight, or (heaven forbid) sexual advance of a woman who is not his wife." - pg. 49
"The rate at which men in the church struggle with sexual sin isn't simply a function of their maleness; it is a function of the way we teach men to think about themselves." pg. 49 (my emphasis)
This is too good!!!!
• Wagner really goes all in to show how purity culture can and does perpetuate harm toward women and girls. How it truly is an antiChristian message, and has no place in the Church. Pop off, King.
Now to the Cons...
Cons:
• My primary issue with this book is Wagner's evident anger. Now, his anger is rightly placed. Abuse of men, women, children, and boys; and the societal and religious structures that create the fertile ground for the abuse to take place is worthy of righteous anger. But Wagner's anger goes further than this. It seeps deep into his rhetoric and, in some places (especially the sections about purity culture) trends toward "tantrumic," (Can I make that word up? Just did.) For me, this was a turnoff. Wagner's emotion seeped into his writing and undercut his ideas (that I agreed with most of!).
• Most of this book is a manifesto against purity culture (to which I agree wholeheartedly!). But when the subtitle of your book is, Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality, I expect a robust vision of male sexuality given in place of your critique of the current vision. But most of this book felt like angry finger-pointing and complaining (of which, I agreed with most of his critiques!!) and did not give adequate reconstruction toward a healthy vision. This is not to say there is no healthy vision of male sexuality. My issue is that Wagner spilled more ink complaining about the failures of our current vision than he did casting his healthy vision. It is easy, especially in our current outrage culture, to complain from the outside. It is hard, after your critique, to stay around and help rebuild what you've just torn down. And yes, dear reader, I recognize the hypocrisy in my critique of this book.
• Wager just said stuff. In multiple places in the book, he would state his opinion on something as if it were fact. He would not cite sources, he would not frame his statement as an opinion, he would say it as fact. Now, this may just be a rhetorical difference between Wagner and me, but this is one of my biggest issues with his book. To not fall into the same trap, here's an example of a time Wager did this:
"The rescue of the princess in a tower, the slaying of the dragon, and every other Western trope of masculine heroism often implies a type of sexual conquest." - pg. 53 (my emphasis)
The implication of sexual conquest in childhood stories is not a new theory. In fact, I could give him the citation!! In Joseph Cambell's The Hero With a Thousand Faces, Campbell speaks at length about this idea in the chapters The Meeting with the Goddess and Woman as the Temptress. But Wager does not give the citations, he just makes a statement that he thinks is right and thinks everyone will agree with. Ugh.
So yes, a mixed book for me. At his best, Wager gives the (somewhat bare) framework for us to begin to rehumanize men and boys. At it's worst this book simply adds more noise to the crowed yelling, "The olds are bad, down with the olds and the systems they built!!"
Oh, and obviously this review is my opinion, and not fact 😁.
June 13, 2023
Having read several books adjacent to this and followed the American Christian Twittersphere and podcast world over the past many years, not much of this felt new or novel, but the book itself is quite good.
First of all, Zach is a good writer, writes with nuance, sits in necessary tensions, and clearly is well read. Much respect on this front.
Zach does a good job of defining toxic masculinity and tracing how it has warped many Christian men’s view of their sexuality and maleness.
Often, “Christian” views of masculinity are more cultural than biblical, more John Wayne than Jesus - to reference another great book analyzing this topic.
A proper view of maleness is not power-hungry, misogynistic, sexually-entitled, or patriarchal. These lies sat dormant, implicitly or explicitly, at much of the heart of purity culture.
Some quotes/thoughts I loved:
What truly is “Every Man’s Battle”? “The scandal of abuse in the church” (p. 9).
To this point, “ the dehumanizing and hypersexual impulses purity culture claims are part of being a man are not part of the male nature. Instead, they are habits—more specifically, vices—men have been socialized into” (p. 74).
Thus, “The more urgent ethical imperative of our time is not whether teenagers are having sex with their boyfriends and girlfriends. It is how we can stem the ongoing epidemic of abuse and dehumanization in our churches” (p. 58).
His definition of purity culture, toxic masculinity, and opinion that the buggiest issue with purity culture is that it is NOT Christian enough are all bang on.
Great quotes and insights throughout.
My biggest critique is not in what he says, but what he doesn’t say. He identifies and deconstructs faulty views of “Christian” manhood very well. What I think the book lacks is a robust reconstruction of a Christian view of manhood. His chapter on Jesus as “The True Man” is very good. But the whole time I kept wondering, “In what way does Jesus’ example in the gospels uniquely apply to men and not women?” Cutting the egalitarian vs. complementarian argument out of this, I genuinely think that is a question all Christians on all sides should wrestle with. Because if we DO think Jesus models something unique to men, then how does this not come across as God showing divine preference to men? How is this good news for women?
Yes, as Wagner says in one heading of this chapter, “Jesus Has a Penis.” Fully God and fully Male. But did Jesus come to show what it means to be a man? Or did Jesus come to show what it means to be human? Yes, he did this as a man, but in what way does a woman not relate to the example Christ left?
This gap left me wanting.
I find myself still looking for a better, more robust theological understanding of “manhood”. The best definition I have is one Naomi shared with me years ago. But that’s for me to sit with and you only if you ask. 🤫
But still, a great read. I’d highly recommend to men who grew up in the church anytime
before 2010. So like, most men alive today.
Thanks for writing this, Zach. Hope to sit down and pick your smart brain on this more fully someday.
First of all, Zach is a good writer, writes with nuance, sits in necessary tensions, and clearly is well read. Much respect on this front.
Zach does a good job of defining toxic masculinity and tracing how it has warped many Christian men’s view of their sexuality and maleness.
Often, “Christian” views of masculinity are more cultural than biblical, more John Wayne than Jesus - to reference another great book analyzing this topic.
A proper view of maleness is not power-hungry, misogynistic, sexually-entitled, or patriarchal. These lies sat dormant, implicitly or explicitly, at much of the heart of purity culture.
Some quotes/thoughts I loved:
What truly is “Every Man’s Battle”? “The scandal of abuse in the church” (p. 9).
To this point, “ the dehumanizing and hypersexual impulses purity culture claims are part of being a man are not part of the male nature. Instead, they are habits—more specifically, vices—men have been socialized into” (p. 74).
Thus, “The more urgent ethical imperative of our time is not whether teenagers are having sex with their boyfriends and girlfriends. It is how we can stem the ongoing epidemic of abuse and dehumanization in our churches” (p. 58).
His definition of purity culture, toxic masculinity, and opinion that the buggiest issue with purity culture is that it is NOT Christian enough are all bang on.
Great quotes and insights throughout.
My biggest critique is not in what he says, but what he doesn’t say. He identifies and deconstructs faulty views of “Christian” manhood very well. What I think the book lacks is a robust reconstruction of a Christian view of manhood. His chapter on Jesus as “The True Man” is very good. But the whole time I kept wondering, “In what way does Jesus’ example in the gospels uniquely apply to men and not women?” Cutting the egalitarian vs. complementarian argument out of this, I genuinely think that is a question all Christians on all sides should wrestle with. Because if we DO think Jesus models something unique to men, then how does this not come across as God showing divine preference to men? How is this good news for women?
Yes, as Wagner says in one heading of this chapter, “Jesus Has a Penis.” Fully God and fully Male. But did Jesus come to show what it means to be a man? Or did Jesus come to show what it means to be human? Yes, he did this as a man, but in what way does a woman not relate to the example Christ left?
This gap left me wanting.
I find myself still looking for a better, more robust theological understanding of “manhood”. The best definition I have is one Naomi shared with me years ago. But that’s for me to sit with and you only if you ask. 🤫
But still, a great read. I’d highly recommend to men who grew up in the church anytime
before 2010. So like, most men alive today.
Thanks for writing this, Zach. Hope to sit down and pick your smart brain on this more fully someday.
May 1, 2023
Excellent response to the false teachings of purity culture! Debunks the sexual prosperity gospel that purity culture presented and shows how normalizing animalistic thinking for men doesn't help anyone, while also showing that being man is a good thing and not a thing to be ashamed of! He offers more helpful frameworks for men to relate better, both with their own sexuality, but also how to be a better person to those around them. While I think Zachary is on the verge of being too accommodating, I do understand why he adds a lot of nuance to his stance of affirming the traditional Christian sexual ethic, and do I appreciate how he made extra effort to address and be sensitive of men that might have been taught that they're not as manly, including men who are asexual, same sex attracted or disabled. With a title of "Non-Toxic Masculinity" I was hoping the book would address topics beyond sexuality, but, as per the subtitle, this book is focused on sexuality. That said, where the author does touch on those topics (such as his view of every man being a father), I did really appreciate what he had to say.
April 15, 2023
Honestly one of the best books I’ve ever read on the subject of masculinity — toxic versus non-toxic. There were a few things I didn’t totally agree with, but overall I feel like this should be a required read in Christian colleges, any ministry training setting, and pre-marital counseling. It would also be an excellent resource to use for counseling couples in crisis.
I did find one thing missing from the book. The author discusses at length the epidemic of p orn use amongst Christians, and he does an excellent job breaking down the root issues behind it, as well as the deep dehumanization of it.
However, although he focused heavily on the p orn consumer’s shame, pain, and trauma, he seemed to leave out the shame, pain, and trauma experienced by the p orn consumer’s betrayed partner.
Much was mentioned about his wife’s trauma from childhood s exual abuse, and the negative impact that had on their marriage, as well as his unhealthy and toxic responses to it, but there was no mention of the impact of trauma his p orn use would have had on her, or that secret p orn use is a form of s exual and emotional abuse against the betrayed partner.
That said, I wouldn’t hesitate to enthusiastically recommend Non-Toxic Masculinity to anyone over the age of 18 who longs to see a world where Christian men and women live from a place of healthy, wholehearted love, integrity, and mutual flourishing.
I would pair this book with:
Malestrom by Carolyn Custis James
The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire
Surfing for God by Michael J. Cusick
The Soul of Shame &
The Soul of Desire by Curt Thompson
Unwanted by Jay Stringer
I did find one thing missing from the book. The author discusses at length the epidemic of p orn use amongst Christians, and he does an excellent job breaking down the root issues behind it, as well as the deep dehumanization of it.
However, although he focused heavily on the p orn consumer’s shame, pain, and trauma, he seemed to leave out the shame, pain, and trauma experienced by the p orn consumer’s betrayed partner.
Much was mentioned about his wife’s trauma from childhood s exual abuse, and the negative impact that had on their marriage, as well as his unhealthy and toxic responses to it, but there was no mention of the impact of trauma his p orn use would have had on her, or that secret p orn use is a form of s exual and emotional abuse against the betrayed partner.
That said, I wouldn’t hesitate to enthusiastically recommend Non-Toxic Masculinity to anyone over the age of 18 who longs to see a world where Christian men and women live from a place of healthy, wholehearted love, integrity, and mutual flourishing.
I would pair this book with:
Malestrom by Carolyn Custis James
The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire
Surfing for God by Michael J. Cusick
The Soul of Shame &
The Soul of Desire by Curt Thompson
Unwanted by Jay Stringer
August 19, 2023
"All men are animals when it comes to sex," a youth leader once told me on a retreat while looking me straight in the eyes. False. Some men are humans when it comes to sex. And so should we all be.
We've identified what's unhealthy in masculinity. So where do we go from here? Wagner offers helpful insights and a framework for recovering healthy male sexuality, which he refers to as rehumanized, redeemed, and resurrected masculinity. His is one of the few books by and about masculinity responding to purity culture. Women have done much of the work here so far, which he acknowledges and appreciates, and I am grateful that he stepped into the gap to imagine what Christian male sexuality can be without the legalism and shame spirals coming from purity culture.
In a few places, particularly when discussing a childhood experience with Girls Gone Wild infomercials, I felt he could have been less detailed. Isn't that the problem with hypersexualization in purity culture? Overall, however, Non-Toxic Masculinity is far less titillating than most purity culture material. As I was talking about this topic with my husband, who did not grow up in purity culture, I said, "I think I'd have thought about sex a lot less frequently if it wasn't discussed so much at youth group." Wagner has bigger visions for living in a sexed body that go beyond the bedroom. He dials back the normalization of compulsive sexual behavior/sex addiction that men like Mark Driscoll and the authors of Every Man's Battle promoted. He rightly argues that porn addiction and the like are symptoms of deeper issues, where purity culture treated the symptoms alone and not the root cause (loneliness, repressed trauma, and so forth).
As I was growing up in purity culture, I noticed that none of the men closest to me--in my family, eventually my husband and father-in-law--modeled the hypersexualized masculinity that purity culture told me was baked into every man. This was the biggest moment of disentanglement for me, years ago. Real Christian men in my life did just fine without purity culture. They were not addicted to sex, had healthy relationships with women not related to them without the "Billy Graham Rule," and valued me for my heart, soul, and mind, not for any other reason. I was glad to see men like them being represented in these pages, perhaps not enough, but still more than what I was taught at church. (See "all men are animals" above.)
I think Wagner should have gone a bit farther theologically in some chapters. He makes a couple scholarly mistakes, such as claiming that "complementarianism" was coined by patriarchalists, when it was actually coined by egalitarians, who had to rebrand once patriarchalists violated the eighth commandment. (See Stanley Grenz, Women in the Church.) His big "solution" chapter, "Fatherhood," is quite good, but frankly, it does not satisfy me. I have to cast his own argument up to him; Jesus was never a father, and lived his incarnate life appealing to the authority of his Father. What Wagner describes here is not necessarily fatherhood, but fatherliness, which is wonderful, but I don't think it captures the breadth of masculinity that Jesus expressed, including brotherhood, sonship, even being a bridegroom (post-ascension). Fatherhood is a good aspect of masculinity, but it's not the only aspect.
Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone looking for a better vision of Christian masculinity than The Spectacularly Fallen Megachurch Pastor with Twelve Rolexes and Smokin' Hot Wife™. I found it quite thought-provoking, and a great conversation starter.
We've identified what's unhealthy in masculinity. So where do we go from here? Wagner offers helpful insights and a framework for recovering healthy male sexuality, which he refers to as rehumanized, redeemed, and resurrected masculinity. His is one of the few books by and about masculinity responding to purity culture. Women have done much of the work here so far, which he acknowledges and appreciates, and I am grateful that he stepped into the gap to imagine what Christian male sexuality can be without the legalism and shame spirals coming from purity culture.
In a few places, particularly when discussing a childhood experience with Girls Gone Wild infomercials, I felt he could have been less detailed. Isn't that the problem with hypersexualization in purity culture? Overall, however, Non-Toxic Masculinity is far less titillating than most purity culture material. As I was talking about this topic with my husband, who did not grow up in purity culture, I said, "I think I'd have thought about sex a lot less frequently if it wasn't discussed so much at youth group." Wagner has bigger visions for living in a sexed body that go beyond the bedroom. He dials back the normalization of compulsive sexual behavior/sex addiction that men like Mark Driscoll and the authors of Every Man's Battle promoted. He rightly argues that porn addiction and the like are symptoms of deeper issues, where purity culture treated the symptoms alone and not the root cause (loneliness, repressed trauma, and so forth).
As I was growing up in purity culture, I noticed that none of the men closest to me--in my family, eventually my husband and father-in-law--modeled the hypersexualized masculinity that purity culture told me was baked into every man. This was the biggest moment of disentanglement for me, years ago. Real Christian men in my life did just fine without purity culture. They were not addicted to sex, had healthy relationships with women not related to them without the "Billy Graham Rule," and valued me for my heart, soul, and mind, not for any other reason. I was glad to see men like them being represented in these pages, perhaps not enough, but still more than what I was taught at church. (See "all men are animals" above.)
I think Wagner should have gone a bit farther theologically in some chapters. He makes a couple scholarly mistakes, such as claiming that "complementarianism" was coined by patriarchalists, when it was actually coined by egalitarians, who had to rebrand once patriarchalists violated the eighth commandment. (See Stanley Grenz, Women in the Church.) His big "solution" chapter, "Fatherhood," is quite good, but frankly, it does not satisfy me. I have to cast his own argument up to him; Jesus was never a father, and lived his incarnate life appealing to the authority of his Father. What Wagner describes here is not necessarily fatherhood, but fatherliness, which is wonderful, but I don't think it captures the breadth of masculinity that Jesus expressed, including brotherhood, sonship, even being a bridegroom (post-ascension). Fatherhood is a good aspect of masculinity, but it's not the only aspect.
Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone looking for a better vision of Christian masculinity than The Spectacularly Fallen Megachurch Pastor with Twelve Rolexes and Smokin' Hot Wife™. I found it quite thought-provoking, and a great conversation starter.
April 18, 2023
This is a very honest and soul/ culture searching book. Written from a very particular American sub-culture - this book still has resonance for UK evangelicals. Whilst we may not have drunk so deeply of the Purity Movement - many of us were unhelpfully influence by John Piper, Wayne Grudem, Joshua Harris and Mark Dirsicoll, etc.
Wagner shares a lot of my concerns and thoughts. He asks lots of the same questions, and gives some extremely good answers. I love his presentation of our need to re-humanise. This book has certainly given me food for thought - and repentance.
The author admits that he is still processing some of his thinking. And, as is clear in the book; he is in the middle of his own story. This means that he may change some of his thinking over the next few years - as is often the case with younger authors.
We really need to clear out toxic masculinity from the church - and this book is a helpful step in that direction.
Wagner shares a lot of my concerns and thoughts. He asks lots of the same questions, and gives some extremely good answers. I love his presentation of our need to re-humanise. This book has certainly given me food for thought - and repentance.
The author admits that he is still processing some of his thinking. And, as is clear in the book; he is in the middle of his own story. This means that he may change some of his thinking over the next few years - as is often the case with younger authors.
We really need to clear out toxic masculinity from the church - and this book is a helpful step in that direction.
April 23, 2023
I want to write a longer review sometime. But this book is such a needed book. I wish I could get every man to read this book that was shaped by purity culture or like me had the misfortune of reading "Every man's Battle ".
April 15, 2023
As the author acknowledges, quite a few very good books on purity culture have already been written by women, but a critique and re-imagination from a man's perspective, focused on male sexuality, has been sorely lacking until now. I grew up evangelical-adjacent, but (while still Christian) am currently farther outside the evangelical sphere than at any previous time in my life. I resonate deeply with much of the disillusionment Wagner articulates with the church in general and conservative evangelicalism in particular. I also very much appreciate how he neither hides nor insists upon his personal beliefs on issues of sexuality, instead approaching contentious topics with humility and gentleness. Readers (like me) who are a few steps left of Wagner on the conservative-progressive spectrum will still find MUCH that is beneficial in his vision of healthy masculinity, and I imagine the same would be true for readers a few steps to the right. In other words, even when I disagreed with a sentiment in the book, Wagner's humble and inclusive approach meant I wasn't turned off by his overall message... quite the opposite. While it was easy to nod along to the dismantling of purity culture in the first half of the book, the bigger challenge in my view was casting a positive vision for Christian masculinity, and in this Wagner comes through in the second half, offering a meaningful alternative to the toxic masculinity he has ably argued against.
October 14, 2023
#MeToo, #ChurchToo, purity culture survivors, church scandal survivors, those of us who earnestly read anything about "Christian womanhood" or "Christian manhood" or every book about marriage and families we could get our hands on...what are we to do with all these pieces?
This book is a helpful corrective, a step in the right direction. I especially appreciate the author's willingness to quote from and wrestle with theological perspectives different from his own. Will definitely be recommending this one for others to consider.
This book is a helpful corrective, a step in the right direction. I especially appreciate the author's willingness to quote from and wrestle with theological perspectives different from his own. Will definitely be recommending this one for others to consider.
March 11, 2024
a searing critique of purity culture/vision for how to understand healthy sexuality amidst that landscape. lots of thoughtful insights. Some things i was like heck yea! and some I disagreed with. in general, a worthwhile read, if for nothing else than the questions it forces you to examine (either in agreement or disagreement). oh, also - he does so well to celebrate, honor, and lift up the value and dignity of women and drive home how biblical masculinity always works to sacrificially serve women rather than domineer. between 3-4 stars
May 27, 2023
Summary: Can men have a non-toxic masculinity, and what would that look like?
Non-Toxic Masculinity is a book that I decided not to read initially. And then Josh Butler's book and TGC article came out. And Patrick Miller stonewalled Sheila Wray Gregoire and then eventually apologized. So many other things happened recently that are mainly about toxic masculinity that I decided to accept a review copy.
Up front, I am not the target audience here. I am 50 and have spent nearly 15 years as a stay-at-home uncle and then dad. I have not once earned more than my wife. I am firmly in favor of women's ordination. My senior sociology project in the mid-90s was about the acceptance of rape myths among students at evangelical colleges. I have long thought that many men are toxic. I read Everyman's Battle on a friend's recommendation and immediately threw it away as trash precisely because it treated women as the problem instead of rightly paying attention to evangelical sin avoidance as the problem. I favor men working toward being less toxic, but I am highly suspect of any gendered approach to discipleship for men.
I was too old for the main purity culture teaching; I had been married for several years when I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out. The term dodging a bullet is probably too weak of a statement when I have talked to people about the harm of purity culture. In my mid-20s, despite being a fairly outspoken egalitarian, a seminary professor and a friend separately challenged me because they thought I was adopting a kinder, gentler form of sexism. I can remember talking about the problems of porn (and this was long before smartphones) and suggesting that part of breaking the power of porn was to firmly establish that women in those videos should be treated as "mother, sister, daughter." My friend challenged me to think about how that framing still established women in relation to men and not as a child of God or imago dei. My professor challenged me to think about how I was thinking of marriage as a means of equipping me for others things. I argued with both of them but eventually came to realize that they were right.
It wasn't good enough to be a kinder, gentler sexist that categorizes women by their relationship to other men (by default, still maintaining a gender hierarchy). And it was not good enough to think of marriage as a means of maturity building. I do not live up to my ideals, but from that point, I have attempted to live as if all hierarchy violates God's good creation, whether it be gender, race, class, or other types of hierarchy.
While I appreciate the open discussion of the harm of purity culture, the problems with the way that the church has created a "sexual prosperity gospel" (if you avoid premarital sex, then you will be rewarded with "mind-blowing" sex in your marriage), the problems of both porn and the problematic ways that the church has handled porn and many other topics, my main problem with most books written toward men is still present. I do not believe that men and women are simply interchangeable, but I do think that men and women are far more alike than they are different.
In many cases, books written to men about "how to be a man" are not really about masculinity, they are about maturity. I think mistaking instructions on maturity for instructions on masculinity harms both men and women. Both men and women should be encouraged toward maturity. And if you are speaking to men about maturity, then you should not be framing maturity as if it were particularly masculine (or feminine).
This is often true in discussions of the fruits of the spirit within gendered books. There is no gender in fruits of the spirit, both men and women should embody fruits of the spirit. Toward the end of the book, Wagner connects masculinity to fatherhood. Wagner's main point was that a broad view of fatherhood, not just biological fatherhood but the care of others, is part of being masculine.
But there is nothing particular in this type of formation that is necessarily differentiated by gender. The exact same formation of "seeks to take responsibility for, cultivate, nurture, protect, repair, renew, or redeem his corner of creation" would work if the gender was switched. If the same sentence were true, replacing the language with "woman, her, mother, and her," then it is not about sexuality but maturity.
Wagner does expand the idea and, I think, makes it a bit better by describing it in helpful ways, but it would be better if framed as "to follow God well, we need to mature, just as women also need to mature. Some areas where men's and women's maturity can look similar are..."
Wagner's list of how fatherhood expresses itself is being relational, cooperative, life-giving, responsible, nurturing, and self-sacrificial. I am quoting part of the section on relational below, but in all of these, tweaks of pronouns or using Motherhood would be almost exactly the same result.
The reality of transgender discussion makes it much more complicated to discuss gender because biology, culture, and other factors interact in complex ways. I am not a scientist and do not have any training or background in biology, but we know there are more options than XX or XY. Most people have either XX or XY, but XXY or XXYY are possible. I know that many conservatives made fun of Supreme Court Justice Jackson's answer to "Can you define the word woman?" But I think Jackson is right legally. The variation within women is such that virtually all definitions will exclude some that we traditionally call women and include some who we traditionally do not call women. Conservative Christianity, in its attempt to maintain traditional sexual ethics, can fall into a similar trap of creating definitions that are both too broad and too narrow.
At this point, I think that the best path forward is to emphasize the need for maturity and avoid being too particular about issues of gender. That is not because I think that embodiment is unimportant (I really appreciate the focus on embodiment here) but because I think we end up doing harm by forcing definitions of gender onto people when there are noteworthy exceptions.
There is no question that Zachary Wagner comes from a more conservative theological tradition than I had. There are places where I have theological differences, but it isn't the broad theology that I disagree with, it is the narrow anthropology of how gender is reflected in the Imago Dei. I generally agree with most of the book's conclusions, but not necessarily how he got there.
Much of this post has been about what Wagner didn't do in the book, and no book can do everything. I think Non-Toxic Masculinity is helpful and contributes to the conversation on gender in Christianity. I think this book may be helpful if you have been impacted by purity culture. And I think this book handles disappointment in sex for those impacted by the sexual prosperity gospel. And I think this book is helpful in discussing the impact of sexual abuse and shame. But there are limits to a book on male sexuality that someone in their mid-30s writes. Being about 15 years old than Wagner, I am now more aware than I was in my 30s regarding how sexuality and age interact, and I think there would have been some value in having more interviews about sexuality and aging as a part of the book.
Non-Toxic Masculinity is a far better book on male sexuality than most books I have read. But I still wanted more.
Non-Toxic Masculinity is a book that I decided not to read initially. And then Josh Butler's book and TGC article came out. And Patrick Miller stonewalled Sheila Wray Gregoire and then eventually apologized. So many other things happened recently that are mainly about toxic masculinity that I decided to accept a review copy.
Up front, I am not the target audience here. I am 50 and have spent nearly 15 years as a stay-at-home uncle and then dad. I have not once earned more than my wife. I am firmly in favor of women's ordination. My senior sociology project in the mid-90s was about the acceptance of rape myths among students at evangelical colleges. I have long thought that many men are toxic. I read Everyman's Battle on a friend's recommendation and immediately threw it away as trash precisely because it treated women as the problem instead of rightly paying attention to evangelical sin avoidance as the problem. I favor men working toward being less toxic, but I am highly suspect of any gendered approach to discipleship for men.
I was too old for the main purity culture teaching; I had been married for several years when I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out. The term dodging a bullet is probably too weak of a statement when I have talked to people about the harm of purity culture. In my mid-20s, despite being a fairly outspoken egalitarian, a seminary professor and a friend separately challenged me because they thought I was adopting a kinder, gentler form of sexism. I can remember talking about the problems of porn (and this was long before smartphones) and suggesting that part of breaking the power of porn was to firmly establish that women in those videos should be treated as "mother, sister, daughter." My friend challenged me to think about how that framing still established women in relation to men and not as a child of God or imago dei. My professor challenged me to think about how I was thinking of marriage as a means of equipping me for others things. I argued with both of them but eventually came to realize that they were right.
It wasn't good enough to be a kinder, gentler sexist that categorizes women by their relationship to other men (by default, still maintaining a gender hierarchy). And it was not good enough to think of marriage as a means of maturity building. I do not live up to my ideals, but from that point, I have attempted to live as if all hierarchy violates God's good creation, whether it be gender, race, class, or other types of hierarchy.
While I appreciate the open discussion of the harm of purity culture, the problems with the way that the church has created a "sexual prosperity gospel" (if you avoid premarital sex, then you will be rewarded with "mind-blowing" sex in your marriage), the problems of both porn and the problematic ways that the church has handled porn and many other topics, my main problem with most books written toward men is still present. I do not believe that men and women are simply interchangeable, but I do think that men and women are far more alike than they are different.
In many cases, books written to men about "how to be a man" are not really about masculinity, they are about maturity. I think mistaking instructions on maturity for instructions on masculinity harms both men and women. Both men and women should be encouraged toward maturity. And if you are speaking to men about maturity, then you should not be framing maturity as if it were particularly masculine (or feminine).
This is often true in discussions of the fruits of the spirit within gendered books. There is no gender in fruits of the spirit, both men and women should embody fruits of the spirit. Toward the end of the book, Wagner connects masculinity to fatherhood. Wagner's main point was that a broad view of fatherhood, not just biological fatherhood but the care of others, is part of being masculine.
"Every time a man seeks to take responsibility for, cultivate, nurture, protect, repair, renew, or redeem his corner of creation, he is acting like a father and living out the chief end of his sexuality."
But there is nothing particular in this type of formation that is necessarily differentiated by gender. The exact same formation of "seeks to take responsibility for, cultivate, nurture, protect, repair, renew, or redeem his corner of creation" would work if the gender was switched. If the same sentence were true, replacing the language with "woman, her, mother, and her," then it is not about sexuality but maturity.
Wagner does expand the idea and, I think, makes it a bit better by describing it in helpful ways, but it would be better if framed as "to follow God well, we need to mature, just as women also need to mature. Some areas where men's and women's maturity can look similar are..."
Wagner's list of how fatherhood expresses itself is being relational, cooperative, life-giving, responsible, nurturing, and self-sacrificial. I am quoting part of the section on relational below, but in all of these, tweaks of pronouns or using Motherhood would be almost exactly the same result.
"Male sexuality is relational. Fatherhood is a particular type of relationship made possible by our sexual bodies. Our bodies are intended to serve us in forming connections with other people too. Romanic relationships are not the only context in which our sexuality is relevant; they show us we are relational creatures. Through sexual embodiment, we are connected to everyone who shares our bloodline--siblings, children, parents, grandparents, cousins, and beyond."
The reality of transgender discussion makes it much more complicated to discuss gender because biology, culture, and other factors interact in complex ways. I am not a scientist and do not have any training or background in biology, but we know there are more options than XX or XY. Most people have either XX or XY, but XXY or XXYY are possible. I know that many conservatives made fun of Supreme Court Justice Jackson's answer to "Can you define the word woman?" But I think Jackson is right legally. The variation within women is such that virtually all definitions will exclude some that we traditionally call women and include some who we traditionally do not call women. Conservative Christianity, in its attempt to maintain traditional sexual ethics, can fall into a similar trap of creating definitions that are both too broad and too narrow.
At this point, I think that the best path forward is to emphasize the need for maturity and avoid being too particular about issues of gender. That is not because I think that embodiment is unimportant (I really appreciate the focus on embodiment here) but because I think we end up doing harm by forcing definitions of gender onto people when there are noteworthy exceptions.
There is no question that Zachary Wagner comes from a more conservative theological tradition than I had. There are places where I have theological differences, but it isn't the broad theology that I disagree with, it is the narrow anthropology of how gender is reflected in the Imago Dei. I generally agree with most of the book's conclusions, but not necessarily how he got there.
Much of this post has been about what Wagner didn't do in the book, and no book can do everything. I think Non-Toxic Masculinity is helpful and contributes to the conversation on gender in Christianity. I think this book may be helpful if you have been impacted by purity culture. And I think this book handles disappointment in sex for those impacted by the sexual prosperity gospel. And I think this book is helpful in discussing the impact of sexual abuse and shame. But there are limits to a book on male sexuality that someone in their mid-30s writes. Being about 15 years old than Wagner, I am now more aware than I was in my 30s regarding how sexuality and age interact, and I think there would have been some value in having more interviews about sexuality and aging as a part of the book.
Non-Toxic Masculinity is a far better book on male sexuality than most books I have read. But I still wanted more.
February 28, 2023
Criticizing false visions of masculinity is easy, but building a theologically rich alternative vision is hard. This book attempts to do just that. There are plenty of critiques of "purity culture," popular culture, and wrong theology in the church, but the book is far more than that. Over and over I found myself drawn to this book because he gives a positive vision of what male sexuality is.
His primary critique of the overly sexed view of men is that it dehumanizes both them and women. It reduces us to nothing but sex monsters and the goal of manhood is control. Instead, he shows that male sexuality is a beautiful good. It is rare to read a Christian book about sex that will not leave you stuck in shame. It makes much of Jesus and what God actually created us for.
The book is written with a deconstructing or even non-Christian audience in mind. It is not only for them but their voices and concerns are taken seriously. That may throw off some who want clear answers on each topic, or for him to come down harder on certain understandings of sexuality. The book clearly holds to a traditional sexual ethic, but it does so gently.
This is one of the best books on male sexuality I have ever read. It is a joyous gift and I hope that men who have endured the heavy burdens of legalism and dehumanizing books will read this one and be free.
I did receive a free copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for this review.
His primary critique of the overly sexed view of men is that it dehumanizes both them and women. It reduces us to nothing but sex monsters and the goal of manhood is control. Instead, he shows that male sexuality is a beautiful good. It is rare to read a Christian book about sex that will not leave you stuck in shame. It makes much of Jesus and what God actually created us for.
The book is written with a deconstructing or even non-Christian audience in mind. It is not only for them but their voices and concerns are taken seriously. That may throw off some who want clear answers on each topic, or for him to come down harder on certain understandings of sexuality. The book clearly holds to a traditional sexual ethic, but it does so gently.
This is one of the best books on male sexuality I have ever read. It is a joyous gift and I hope that men who have endured the heavy burdens of legalism and dehumanizing books will read this one and be free.
I did receive a free copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for this review.
June 30, 2023
I wish I had this book 10 years ago.
January 7, 2023
Over the past couple years, plenty of folks have thinking and writing about "purity culture," that Evangelical movement of the nineties and early aughts that encouraged teenagers to resist the sexualized culture, keep it in their pants, and wait until marriage. That was perhaps the kernel of the movement, but it went far further than that to insist that courtship was the only godly way to gain a mate (over and against dating) as well as to adopt a view of human sexuality that idolized virginity and shamed anything short of that.
Reactions to purity culture have been mixed. While many have distanced themselves from it, even to the point of renouncing their faith and embracing everything they had once fled from, others have sought a way forward that holds onto the concept of sex being reserved for marriage while nonetheless healing from some of the extra trappings associated with the movement. Zachary Wagner, the editorial director for the Center for Pastor Theologians (CPT), represents this latter direction with his new book, Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality.
I greatly respect the work Wagner does at CPT, and I think this book mirrors the gentle, pastoral persona he exudes on the CPT podcast. There's a lot to commend about it, but one nitpick I have to get out of the way right now is the title. I understand that it cleverly capitalizes on the well-known phrase, "toxic masculinity," but masculinity is (far) more than just sexuality and the book is for the most part only about male sexuality. In the book he argues that men are more than just their sexual desires, yet ironically the title inadvertently works against this theme.
Anyway, the book, such as it is, does a admirable job of first walking through purity culture and its more problematic aspects and then building up a better understanding of male sexuality that sees it as a genuinely good thing that nonetheless needs to be stewarded well. The last section of the book is the most interesting (at least to me) because he takes the time to walk through the phases of sexual development from boyhood through adolescence to dating, marriage, fatherhood, death, and resurrection.
Wagner's key contention with purity culture is that it dehumanizes people, both men and women, by reducing men to rapacious sex machines that must be fed and by reducing women to nothing more than potential stumbling blocks to men's holiness. The goal of purity culture was itself to recover healthy sexuality in the face of a hyper-sexualized culture, but ironically it too made far too much of sex such that teenagers often felt that the most important fact about themselves was their virginity.
The problem that he sees with the purity/impurity binary is a) how black and white it is, b) how it elevates sexual sins above all others, and c) how it fails to make space for the fact that human beings mature over time. For example, one of the main questions teenage couples would ask in youth groups was, "How far is too far?" wondering if kissing was okay before you were married or if it would send you directly to hell. Pastors and parents tended to not do much to disabuse teens of this notion, telling horror stories about unintended pregnancies intended to scare teens into purity.
But is this the way that we think through sin in any other context? If a child tells a lie, for example, we see it as a sin but we see it specifically as stemming from immaturity, something that children are to be trained out of. Wagner believes that the sexual urges teenagers feel are both good and natural, and so when they make decisions to look at porn or do whatever else, we can treat it the same way. We can recognize it as sin, but we can recognize it as a kind of sin specifically resulting from immaturity and an inexperience with stewarding a newly-noticed sexuality. Rather than sternly condemning and shaming kids, we can speak seriously and yet graciously about ways they can practice self-control and love of neighbor. One of my favorite quotes from the book was this:
Boyish curiosity is not evil. It is a good, God-given impulse that can drive us to understand and discover the beauty in the world. But curiosity can end in dark places. There’s no perfect innocence in a broken world.
This strikes me as a loving, compassionate, and yet truthful way to communicate to little boys that the curiosity that drives them to look at porn is, in many ways, quite understandable! And yet pornography capitalizes on that curiosity in dark ways that dehumanize both the viewer and the actors, who are many times abused and trafficked and caught in systems they can't escape. But it's a way of talking to a young boy that doesn't make him feel like he's fundamentally broken and evil.
Wagner holds a traditional view of sexual ethics in common with purity culture, yet he also recognizes the ways in which that kind of teaching tends to assume all people feel heterosexual temptation. And when it did try to acknowledge the existence of LGBT individuals, its answer was ineffectual "solutions" like reparative therapy or "praying the gay away" that tended to make things even worse for those individuals. Instead, Wagner argues, there's a way to lovingly listen and acknowledge and walk through our varied experiences together in the bonds of friendship.
The last part of the book is about how even though purity culture teens were often promised a reward of endless sex with a "smoking hot wife" if only they would save sex for marriage, the reality is that marital sex is often far more challenging, confusing, and painful than that airbrushed vision. He shares candidly from his own experience of how the trauma of sexual abuse and bad teaching made sex difficult and even impossible in many seasons of his marriage.
Instead, he wants to redirect that vision to acknowledge that while sex can be a delightful bonding experience, the ultimate biological end of male sexuality is fatherhood. He says this in light of the contentions of many abortion rights activists who point out that women often bear the brunt of parenthood while men can fairly easily ignore the consequences of their "consequence-free" sex. "The solution," he says, "is to reassociate male sexuality with fatherhood." He doesn't mean that every man must father biological children to be "truly a man" or anything like that, but just simply that in the highs and lows of experiencing our sexuality, it's important to remember the biological purpose of why we're even built like this. Recognizing that even Jesus himself never fathered any child, Wagner argues that any man can embody fatherhood because "Fatherhood is the male half of the cultural mandate."
Wagner wants to create space for men to act in paternal ways toward the world without actually being paternalistic. "The vocation of paternal masculinity, rightly defined, cannot and should not be reserved only for heterosexual married men." But that raises the fairly obvious question of what he could possibly mean, then. He answers:
So, how can men move through the world in a way that honors the masculine vocation of fatherhood? They can care for animals, coach a sports team, or build homes with precision and care out of concern for the people who will live in them. There are men who cultivate and plan landscaping projects, and those who are longtime employees and train new hires with care and attentiveness. Think about the man who teaches a second-grade classroom, and those who guide others on their life’s journey with music. What about the man who waits tables in a restaurant, patiently attending to the dietary restrictions of his guests? Or the man who paints the church lobby? Think about the man who arranges flowers for weddings, events, and public art displays. And the man who prepares a meal in a shelter for the homeless. What about the man who taught Galilean peasants about their heavenly Father and rebuked his disciples, saying, “Let the little children come to me”?
He's very clearly going to great lengths here to envision a masculinity that is inclusive of the many different men who exist in this world, and that's a great instinct—truly. And I agree with him that the vocation of "fatherhood" is something that can be fulfilled in various different ways besides literal biological fathering of children. I'm on board with him in seeing "coaching a sports team," "training new hires," or "teaching a second-grade classroom" as exercising a certain kind of fathering muscle. Those are relationships of someone older and wiser compassionately shepherding someone along in life. But I have to say, in his zeal to cast a wide net here, he begins to stretch the word far beyond any kind of meaningful sense. Painting a church lobby is paternal? What is being fathered there—the wall? Arranging flowers for an event is some kind of fatherhood? How? If a woman arranges the flowers, is she exercising a kind of spiritual fatherhood? I agree that those are good things a person could do, that a man could do, and that they would be faithful ways of fulfilling the cultural mandate, but I have a hard time understanding the paternal connection he sees there.
I'm not convinced that fatherhood is "the male half of the cultural mandate," as if the cultural mandate splits neatly or meaningfully into gendered halves. It seems to me like we could just acknowledge that some men are biological fathers, some are adoptive fathers, some aren't fathers at all, there are some ways in which we can "spiritually" father other human beings through life, but that not being a father doesn't make a man any less of a man. Fatherhood is a personal relationship that in its natural sense is age-differentiated. A man may find himself as a father figure in a certain situation, and he may simply not be in a different situation, and both situations can be fine and good.
All that said, I do think he's right to reconnect male sexuality to fatherhood. Sex is a creational act that results in a relationship to a new life, a relationship that is both similar to and quite distinct from a maternal relationship. Though these relationships have their own unique qualities, a father has just as much responsibility toward that new life as the mother does. It is abhorrent when men feel like they can impregnate a woman and then run off without any kind of obligation.
Overall, Non-Toxic Masculinity is, I think, a good response to purity culture. Though the title isn't very representative of the book's content, the content itself is thoughtful, gracious, and interacts well both with those who are more conservative than him as well as those who are more progressive than him. In the end, Wagner wants to chart a course that is both compassionate towards the wounds caused by poor teaching while also being forthright about his theological convictions regarding a masculinity that takes embodied male advantage and channels it for the good of others. My nitpicks aside, he holds forth a male sexuality that is both inherently a good thing while also holding forth a gospel of abundant mercy for the broken. That is a beautiful thing.
DISCLAIMER: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair, unbiased review.
September 1, 2023
I have read a lot of Christian sex books and this one goes toward the top of my “best of” list. What’s especially remarkable about it is that it’s written by a man, but does not sound like all the other Christian sex and masculinity books written by men. Wagner does a terrific job of inviting us out of the worst of past teachings and he does it with both conviction and humility, making his words actually able to be heard.
Whether you are single, married or otherwise, this is a book that all men should read. Heck, I think it might even be beneficial for many women as it offers a better perspective on men than the macho and super-sexual teaching we’ve all been exposed to. It takes the best parts of the best books I’ve read on sex and complies them into something that I really think is helpful and healing for Christians to hear. I cannot recommend it enough.
Whether you are single, married or otherwise, this is a book that all men should read. Heck, I think it might even be beneficial for many women as it offers a better perspective on men than the macho and super-sexual teaching we’ve all been exposed to. It takes the best parts of the best books I’ve read on sex and complies them into something that I really think is helpful and healing for Christians to hear. I cannot recommend it enough.
February 23, 2025
An overall very helpful and accessible book for those looking to understand healthy male sexuality in Christ. As someone who lived through purity culture, I learned a lot and walked away feeling like a I had a clearer framework to pursue what this means for myself in a time where it feels difficult to know what healthy masculinity looks like.
July 26, 2023
In this book I have seen myself. I have seen myself in the past, the present, and hopefully the future.
It centers confidently on a call for dead men to come out of their tombs at the words of Christ
And it has made me weep
It centers confidently on a call for dead men to come out of their tombs at the words of Christ
And it has made me weep
May 18, 2023
When a male uses his privilege to speak in ways that address the power dynamics between men and women and the need for listening and awareness, it matters. This book shows men and women what healthy male sexuality looks like. He tells guys to “Wake up,” in an important chapter. He shows the toxicity and abuse that can result from the entitlement view of sexuality, a male-centric view of sex, and a failure to listen to women. He is vulnerable about his own journey, and invites men to be human again and embrace vulnerability and de-center themselves in humility and Christlikeness. It’s time to get healthy, and Zachary is opening up a conversation on how to get there.
March 17, 2024
Couldn't agree more, but stops short of offering a lot of practical answers
May 11, 2023
helpful deconstruction of purity culture, even more helpful construction of vision for a rehumanizing masculinity. especially appreciated zach's reflections on the goodness and beauty of maleness and male sexuality, and his argument that fatherhood (in all its various forms) is the fulfillment of male sexuality. worth reading!
July 12, 2023
This is an excellent treatment addressing how purity culture has negatively affected not only women but also men. Malformed understandings of our own and others' sexuality has led to much despair. As someone who is the same age as the author and who grew up in a similar context, I resonated with many of his anecdotes and experiences.
I believe this book would be good for single, married, and divorced Christian men to read or even those who grew up in conservative, evangelical contexts but who no longer identify as such. Wagner's writing is generous to other's critiquing purity culture even when he doesn't agree with the extend of their conclusions.
There were times when I thought Wagner's tone was a little too "in-your-face," and I couldn't tell if it was just the passion, anger, and regret at his own and others' malformation and damage within purity culture or an rhetorical decision to speak bluntly as a way to capture men's attention (like the straight-talk of many masculinity influencers).
I think this is a helpful starting place to begin with constructing a healthy view not only of male sexuality, but it is only the beginning point for starting to address a healthy view of masculinity. The title of the book demonstrates the negative angle of this project, i.e. what is "non-toxic" masculinity. Important for sure. But more work needs be done to construct a "non-essential" understanding of masculinity. Even for people like myself who are convinced the male-female binary is a God-ordained distinction, nearly every attempt to describe the "essence" of masculinity excludes many wonderful men from it's definition. On the other hand, I also think that fears that any attempt at describing masculinity lest anyone be excluded will also alienate many men who are more interested in living than debating.
I believe this book would be good for single, married, and divorced Christian men to read or even those who grew up in conservative, evangelical contexts but who no longer identify as such. Wagner's writing is generous to other's critiquing purity culture even when he doesn't agree with the extend of their conclusions.
There were times when I thought Wagner's tone was a little too "in-your-face," and I couldn't tell if it was just the passion, anger, and regret at his own and others' malformation and damage within purity culture or an rhetorical decision to speak bluntly as a way to capture men's attention (like the straight-talk of many masculinity influencers).
I think this is a helpful starting place to begin with constructing a healthy view not only of male sexuality, but it is only the beginning point for starting to address a healthy view of masculinity. The title of the book demonstrates the negative angle of this project, i.e. what is "non-toxic" masculinity. Important for sure. But more work needs be done to construct a "non-essential" understanding of masculinity. Even for people like myself who are convinced the male-female binary is a God-ordained distinction, nearly every attempt to describe the "essence" of masculinity excludes many wonderful men from it's definition. On the other hand, I also think that fears that any attempt at describing masculinity lest anyone be excluded will also alienate many men who are more interested in living than debating.
August 3, 2023
This book is a great discussion and gives you many things to think about within the church. Thankful it was written.
One point I loved that he made was that watching porn and the objectification of women was a lack of maturity on the man’s part. Of course when he said it I knew it to be exactly right but had never thought of it that way. It’s wise.
One point I loved that he made was that watching porn and the objectification of women was a lack of maturity on the man’s part. Of course when he said it I knew it to be exactly right but had never thought of it that way. It’s wise.
January 14, 2025
This is a really constructive addition to the conversation. While pointing out how culturally relative definitions of masculinity have created a toxic environment of male entitlement, Wagner points us back to Jesus. In a subculture built on "purity" that can be lost and brings shame, Wagner reminds us that we are dead apart from Christ and Christ brings life—not shame. I especially appreciated Wagner's humility about the things he is not sure on or that others disagree with him on.
DISCLAIMER: I received an early copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair review.
DISCLAIMER: I received an early copy of this book from the publisher for the purpose of a fair review.
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