DINNER WITH DRACULA: Being the Weird Adventures of Charles Winterbottom, Archeologist with Azathoth, Cthulhu, the Yeti Queen, the Dark Gods of Lemuria

by Joe Vadalma

Charles Winterbottom is an archeologist of the Indiana Jones sort, except that Winterbottom is a buffoon and a unrepentant womanizer. As Captain Sally, the commander of the spaceship that brought him to Mars has said on a couple of occasions, -Another fine mess you-ve gotten us into, Charlie.- Winterbottom-s colleague, Heinrich Schmidt, talks him into an expedition to Mars to find out the truth about the Cydonia area. After vigorous training as astronauts, Winterbottom, Schmidt and the crew of the Perceval blast off for Mars. The crew consists of Captain Sally Randy, commander and pilot; Plush Blue, medic, biology specialist and social scientist; Jack Dooper, science officer and navigator; and Larke, android chief engineer and maintenance. On the trip to Mars, there is a lot of hanky-panky. Winterbottom goes to the storeroom on occasion with Plush Blue, but loses her to Dooper, who is known as Super Dooper. He also strikes out with Captain Sally. They finally arrive at Mars and explore the Cydonia area. Larke claims that the Martians are transmitting to it. Winterbottom, Schmidt, Larke and Captain Sally stumble upon and are trapped in an underground catacomb. They are arrested by seven foot, green skinned Martian priests for desecrating a sacred place. They are brought to Princess Golygee for judgment. and are sentenced to be sacrificed to the demon god Azathoth... But you will have to read the rest of Winterbottom's misadvetures with Cthulhu, the Yeti Queen, the Dark Gods of Lemuria, And Other Terrifying Creatures of the Night for yourself! Especially his Dinner with the Lord of the Undead.

Genres: Humor, Horror

259 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2009

Reviews

[Mike · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are only three words necessary to describe this book. To quote Theodor Geisel (that's Dr. Seuss to most). Stink, stank, stunk! I would prefer green eggs and ham, or the onion and pickle sandwich with arsenic sauce.

I enjoy humor and spoofs of all kinds, read Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings for a fun spoof of The Lord of the Rings, but this was horrible.

The first problem is that there were so many spelling errors, and, OK, I admit that I'm a stickler for spelling, but come on, there really is a limit. At first I thought that this might be some kind of translation issue, but I think they'd spell the name of the nation "Chili" correctly. Seriously, though, the spelling issues in this piece of...I hesitate to call it fiction...are so rudimentary that it looks like someone just typed it up in Word and trusted the spell checker! By the way, just because a word is spell correctly doesn't mean it's correct. Just ask the people of "Chili".

Problem, the second, would have to be the sexual exploits of our intrepid archeologist. I have to admit that I criticized George R.R. Martin for his rather stark (the pun wasn't intended, but I like it now, so it stays), unrelenting frankness regarding sex and sexual discussion (read: innuendo) in his work. Now I feel almost nostalgic for the halcyon days of A Game of Thrones. It's like the book was written in the style of those Two Wild & Crazy Guys from Saturday Night Live, and of course they were only funny because of their ineptitude.

Finally and most terrible of all, his jokes are just not funny. Not funny at all. How can you write a spoof and not be funny.

No matter how hard I scrub I still feel dirty. It just won't come off! I wasn't this disappointed since I read An Evil Guest. Although in that book's defense, it was a well-written book, just not what I was expecting. This particular book is an abysmal train wreck. A horrid evil mess. I'm just going to sit here and weep quietly for our literary heritage.