Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Transformation

by Nathaniel Branden

Self-concept is destiny

What is the most important judgement you will ever make? The judgement you pass on yourself. Self-esteem is the key to success or failure.

"Tell me how a person judges his or her self-esteem," says pioneering psychologist Nathaniel Branden, "and I will tell you how that person operates at work, in love, in sex, in parenting, in every important aspect of existence—and how high he or she is likely to rise.  The reputation you have with yourself—your self-esteem—is the single most important factor for a fulfilling life."

• How to grow in self-confidence and self-respect.
• How to nurture self-esteem in children.
• How to break free of guilt and fear of others' disapproval.
• How to honor the self—the ethics of rational self-interest.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Philosophy, Self Esteem, Personal Growth

266 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1983

About the author

Nathaniel Branden was a Canadian–American psychotherapist and writer known for his work in the psychology of self-esteem. A former associate and romantic partner of Ayn Rand, Branden also played a prominent role in the 1960s in promoting Rand's philosophy, Objectivism. Rand and Branden split acrimoniously in 1968, after which Branden focused on developing his own psychological theories and modes of therapy.

Reviews

[Lisa Romano · Rating 5 out of 5]

I began reading this book just as my marriage began to unwind. Lost beneath the detail consuming codependent life my existence had become, some days it was difficult to get out of bed in the morning, knowing I had yet but one more day of agonizing nothingness to look forward to.

This book, was one I would crawl into bed with late at night, with the hopes that something I found on the pages before me would in some way be able to heal my breaking heart.

I am happy to say it not only helped heal my heart--but it also helped me wash my brain.

Branden's work is uncanny. His deep understandings of humanness coupled with his professional experience, makes his work real and easy to digest.

Honoring the Self truly is a book that has the ability to transform the way someone sees 'self'--but only if that being is willing to think beyond the dynamics that caused his/her issues to begin with.

In the end Branden is an author who believes his readers need to take accountability for their own happiness through learning to cultivate reliance on self...and this self-help author herself fully agrees...

Namaste...

[Sanjay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly, a life changing book.

[Ivan]

This guy was Ayn Rand's boy toy for a few years. Here's my favorite quote from the book so far:

"...consider a middle-aged woman whose sense of personal value is crucially dependent on the image of herself as a glamorous, youthful beauty and who therefore perceives every wrinkle on her face as a metaphysical threat to her identity. She plunges into a series of sexual relationships with men more than twenty years her junior, rationalizing each relationship as a grand passion, avoiding the characters and motives of the young men involved, repressing the humiliation she feels in the company of her friends. She constantly seeks the reassurance of fresh admiration, running faster and faster from the haunting, relentless pursuer, which is her own emptiness."

Take than, Rosenbaum.

Awesome.

[John Jacobi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some solid nuggets of wisdom, and some garbage. Branden brings a unique perspective to the issue of self. I agree with the paramount nature of self esteem and it's effects on our lives. I was a bit frustrated at Branden's misunderstanding of the principle of selflessness as applied in a religious and spiritual sense. He seems to miss the point of the issue and completely misses the fact that one of the most effective paths to self esteem is to do something for someone else, with no return expected. Luckily his ranting was only confined to the last few chapters.

[daemyra, the realm's delight · Rating 2 out of 5]

Initial thoughts. Will come back to this review.

I only read this because Jean Shinoda Bolen quoted from it in her goddess book, and I liked the title and quote enough to get this on a whim. While Bolen has criticisms, it was my bad to not know that this author was not only a disciple of Ayn Rand but also her younger boy-toy extra-marital lover. The affair doesn't matter so much as being a follower of her libertarian thinking, I just thought it was an interesting piece of gossip.

The first few chapters are very compelling, and I liked seeing the different answers for his finish this sentence exercises throughout the book, but it quickly became clear the author's biases for libertarian nonsense with Freudian undertones were obvious and blatant. I absolutely need to quote this "treatment" he prescribed for a female patient. My eyes popped. It sounded like some treatment the non-con doctor hero to a hysterical woman in those dark romances that I read.

Hyper individualistic and independent. Nathaniel Branden's arguments weaken when he tries to justify the pursuit of our personal autonomy above all. Maybe community can be supportive and loving. Maybe they are right. Maybe we need to figure out how to deal with conflict with each other.

Do not recommend if you're looking to learn and be inspired. May be worth skimming if you're interested in libertarian research perhaps.

[roxana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best self-help book I've read so far, looking forward to reading "Six pillars of self-esteem".

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought the parts about self esteem were brilliant and I was going to give it a 5. That changed, when he made the leap from self esteem and honoring the self to libertarianism. I could not make that leap. It was the same oversimplified arguments we hear from that camp - government should protect us from criminals, protect us from foreign invaders, protect property rights, but otherwise leave us alone (I’m paraphrasing). Ok, fair. Let’s define criminal and what protecting us from them might look like. Are the drug company executives who knowingly pushed opioids criminals? I say yes. Would protecting us, perhaps, look kinda like the FDA? Set aside whether they actually do a good job - that’s a different discussion. Anyway, using this example, if one accepts those folks are criminals, and it’s the government’s job to protect us from them, it probably follows there’s some agency tasked with overseeing them and a bunch of laws regarding what is not OK. Seems to me that would curb some peoples ability to be left alone and curb laissez faire capitalism. That’s just one example but I could come up with others. Anyway I give it 3 because it starts out brilliant but the political leap doesn’t hold up to me

[AJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was all set to give this book a 5 star review based on some really fascinating ideas about self-esteem, but good lord does he go off the rails over the last ~1/5th of the book. Miss me with the outdated defense of Ayn Randian capitalism and forced political extrapolations of the importance of self-esteem...

[Marika · Rating 5 out of 5]

The last part of the book, where Branden dives into political waters is, in my opinion,
completely unnecessary and hardly relevant to the topic (not to mention that I disagree with his views almost entirely). That being said, it is the first book in three years that I've given 5 star rating. Contrary to many other bubbly self-help publications, Honoring the Self is extremely direct and clear in the message it conveys. There is a tremendous insight and inspiration in almost every chapter and I strongly believe it is one of those books that has potential to actually change one's life or, at the very least, propel them on the path of self-discovery.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t do many books reviews. It took me six months to get through this. I read it in spurts, trying to digest the ideas brought forward. This book is a difficult read, not because it’s boring but because it’s important. Each sentence is so informative that I found myself re-reading often so I could fully understand the message. There is so much insight here. A definite must for anyone trying to become their best self. I will definitely be reading it again with a different coloured highlighter!

[Noor Alhuda · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of it provoked important self questioning and reflection; some of it I found confusing, particularly what he had to say about capitalism. Given that he was a student and close friend of Ayn Rand, I'm not surprised.

Things I didn't like: It's mostly in the last two chapters that he makes a case for laissez-faire capitalism as simply a "complete separation of state and economics." He argues that laissez-faire capitalism is "not government control of economics for the benefit of businesspersons," naming libertarianism as the "political principle" of this economic system and volunteerism the "moral principle." In the next paragraph, he declares the US system to be the one that has "implemented the principle of capitalism [...] to the greatest extent." And yet we all know that the US government does act and regulate and bail out for the benefit of corporations and their heads. I like the concept of volunteerism and do not see it as compatible with capitalism, at least not as it is practiced. Volunteerism is the principle that "no person or group of persons may seek to gain values from others by the use of physical force." (228) This is an ideal to strive for. I can't say that I feel that way about capitalism, which, again, as practiced, seems to require coercion in the pursuit and accumulation of capital by (neo)colonizers. Wars, enslavement, theft of natural resources and the poisoning of our environment, I'd say, are imposing/coercive, on groups and individuals alike. Branden's arguments for individual rights on the intra and inter personal levels makes sense to me; how and why he took this argument to advocate for capitalism and libertarianism is beyond me.

Things I did like:

The way he distinguishes moral development from cognitive development, arguing that they are on two different tracks.

The argument that an underdeveloped consciousness is not only bad news for us, it is also bad news for our loved one and those we spend our time with, such as co-workers; it is they who "are left to absorb the consequences." (126)

As an elaboration on this in a separate chapter: "the point is not that the individual loses the ability of experience emotion but that the emotion often tends to become muted, diluted, trivialized. Emotional life tends to be distorted; surface feelings defend against and conceal deep feelings, misleading both self and others." (145)

He talks about the fear of death and the fear of life. One quote re: fear of life as protection from the self and consciousness: "if I refuse to live fully, I cannot die." (135)
Also re: fear "...we remain prisoners of that which we do not confront." (148)

"When the price of harmony with others becomes the surrender of our mind, an autonomous individual chooses not to pay it." (135)

And what I interpret to be a reference to psychosomatic experiences: "that which is denied by the mind is trapped within the body." (151)

Favorite chapter is for sure The Art of Being and what he has to say about selflessness and selfishness in love and romantic partnerships.

[Rosie Rinpoche · Rating 5 out of 5]

I guess this book could be about building your self esteem, but I think this book is the best book anyone could ever read...
It is mostly about human behavior and how to take control of your life again....
THIS IS MY NUMBER ONE FAVORITE BOOK!!!!

[Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half was really good but the last two chapters got very political and I don't feel they had much to do with self-esteem at all. It sounds more like he was really trying to defend his thoughts on psychology and prove he was right about things.

[Rudyard L. · Rating 1 out of 5]

God. Self help books are such bullshit

[Efthimios Nasiopoulos]

I am grateful for any gift of knowledge.

There is really only one passage in this book that really sums up the journey of the self and that is:

“Creativity and psychological-spiritual growth have this in common: both require times of aloneness, of silence, of meditation or contemplation, so that the inner signals can be heard and allowed to reach explicit awareness, so that the subconscious can become conscious, the bodily becomes mental, the disowned becomes owned, so that the life-force can continue propelling us toward higher levels of self-actualization” -pg 156

The problem is this paragraph sums up the ideas from dozens of books written by someone else; Carl Jung. His whole life work is on making the unconscious conscious of making oneself whole.

Part 2 of this book is called The Struggle of Individuation and the term Individuation in psychology is from Carl Jung. The sentence completion test comes from the word association test originated in psychology from Carl Jung, yet there is not one citation in the bibliography giving credit to one book written by Carl Jung himself. not one. Even terms such as sub-selfs is rooted in ‘archetypes’ and their correlating complexes.

There is a chapter called the problem of Self-alienation which focuses on the mind body connection, yet the author will not give any credit to any Eastern philosophy whatsoever. Perhaps because of his pro-capitalist self-interested stance and Ayn Randian objectivism.

There is so much depth in Jung, Piaget, Freud, Horney, William James and Maslow. Nathan Branden borrows from the best and yet sparingly gives credit to a few while avoiding his biggest influence.

Objectivism posits that reason is the ultimate truth and at one point I would have agreed. I read Fountainhead and Atlas shrugged in my twenties and those books were highly influential in me reinforcing that I and I alone am the most important thing in this world. Coupled with trauma and a self congratulatory career path, one can fully get lost in the false self and lose sight on the path of salvation which comes from deep within and requires not only reason but transcendence through sacrifice, empathy and the irrational rooted in dreams, intuition and the subjective treasures of the unconscious. Although I am only ankle deep in this ocean, I know it will continue to bare fruit, some more painful than others.

[Angel Walker-Werth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought-provoking. Not quite as radiantly clear and fresh as his Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, but there were still many ideas and observations in this book that expanded my understanding of that vital concept and helped me introspect more clearly.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great practicing prompts of questions and ways to challenge ones self-talk and self-beliefs

[Jack Hansen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nathaniel Branden writes and narrates an honest objective psychological book about self. Honoring the Self: The Psychology of Confidence and Respect begins with an explanation about self-esteem and its importance in one's life, especially for success in business and personal relationships. An ability to feel good about oneself promotes a healthy ego, friendships, and love interests. He also explains how fear of being emotionally hurt impedes the natural maturation of one's self, career, and sense of belonging. The author intends to show that love and respect of oneself is the core purpose for writing this educational piece that encompasses his body of work in the field.
He recommends that the book be reread as many times as it takes to absorb the full impact of the lessons he expertly lays out. His aim is to have readers improve themselves as happier, successful people who fear neither life nor death; to live a stable, meaningful life and to accept death as the natural end of it with no regrets.

[Ruri Gokou · Rating 4 out of 5]

"When we begin to understand the model of reality with which we are operating, we become open to the possibility of finding better solutions strategies that support our life rather than impoverish it."

Honoring the Self was such a good read. It helped in my search to learning more about myself and how to heal my inner child. Words that I had heard before throughout my life like awareness, responsibility and acceptance were explained well. I realized how much these ideas tie into one's self esteem.

These are the most powerful ideas I came away with. Life is a constant battle of being aware of my actions and thoughts. It's so easy for fall into habits or patterns of thinking. I need to take responsibility for my actions. They are my choice and in my control. No one is going to come along to save or change me. Only I can do that. Lastly, I need the strength to live with acceptance. To acknowledge everything about myself. Not thinking good or bad of them. Just being aware of how I'm thinking, feeling and being in a given moment.

To have a non-judgemental acceptance of those things about myself. This is because if I fight against myself by hating aspects of it or if I deny the reality of things about then I am essentially fighting against myself. No change is possible if I reject myself.

I learned that it's okay to allow myself to feel temporarily helpless without defining my essence as failure. I'm not perfect and so after a rest, I will pick up the pieces as best as I can and start moving forward once again. The feeling of defeat isn't a reflection of myself at my core. It's not permanent.

I really loved reading the chapter about childhood. It was very eye opening. I liked the sentence prompts as well and it gave me much to think about. It helped me realize that I need to face the thoughts I might get from childhood. To not fight those feelings. Instead to embrace them. To observe and feel the feelings I've been suppressing since then. Now when such thoughts or memories come up that make me feel hurt, shame, or guilt. I question myself saying, "What is unresolved here?"

What I didn't like about this book was essentially the last 3 chapters. It's a huge shift in tone and I don't know why it was included because he talks about politics which wasn't why I picked up this book. Overall it was a good read and like the quote above this book has helped to expand my thinking and gave me more tools and ideas to better operate within my reality.

[Benjamin Haag · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this a long time ago...just after leaving the safe fantasy world of college, and beginning a wandering and mostly gray and colorless trek toward...something. Career, job, sense of capital-P Purpose. My father had "turned me on" to Ayn Rand a few years before, and I had read _The Fountainhead_, which I actually did find inspiring, and then Atlas Shrugged, which...well, had its moments.

I learned of Nathaniel Branden by way of "My Years With Ayn Rand", a tale of sycophantry, ironically cultish devotion to an ideology and group premised on the sanctity of The Individual, tedious lectures, and, well, lots of fucking. Specifically, the fucking of Ms. Rand by the then-young-and-chiseled Mr. Branden, and vice-fucking-versa. The book, apart from lending a rather earthy perspective to the otherwise mythical status of Rand, led me toward Branden's several books on self-esteem...something that my amazingly gawky, chronically insecure twentysomething self lacked.

I suppose that I reacted to his ideas much as I had those in his ex-lover's fictional screeds...vaguely inspiring on their surface, but, upon deeper examination, almost mechanical and formulaic.

[Daniel Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

For Dr Russ Harris in "The Happiness Trap", "self-esteem" is a vulgar, useless word. After all, it carries with it our judgement of ourself and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is about accepting the reality about ourselves.

Yet part of the reality is that we do judge ourselves. What we say to ourselves about the kind of person we are is doing just that. It's unavoidable and accepting reality means accepting our judgements of ourselves. In "Honoring the Self", Branden shows us how to make those judgements of ourselves helpful.

Divided into three parts, the book looks at what self-esteem is and how to increase it in many areas of life, how to mature as individuals, and the flaws of seeking to abolish the ego. For Branden, the individual is the cornerstone of society. If you get the individual right, then his or her relationship with their companion will work, leading to beautiful families, friendly communities, and ultimately responsible government that truly serves the interests of the people.

Branden's work is practical and dense. He reads broadly and has years of experience testing his ideas in the field.

Use "Honoring the Self" to boost your self-esteem.

[Gaspar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lo bueno que tienen sus casi 40 años de historia, es que por aquel entonces todavía no existía la autoayuda sinónimo de persona de influencia que escribe un libro anti-científico y anti-moral que funciona más como sedante que como conocimiento. Pese al riesgo que supone que pueda estar ligeramente desactualizado, es un libro para tener en la estantería. Su contenido puede desarmarte si no te has enfrentado aún a lo que crees de ti mismo, y eso es un cumplido muy bello. Recomendado.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found the first two sections of the book enlightening. However, I could’ve done without the last section on egoism pushing libertarianism, individualism, and capitalism in a book about self-esteem. The writing was a bit dense, so not the most easily understandable to all readers. Definitely seems aimed at mental health professionals rather than the layperson.

[Mckinley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Big proponent of cultivating self esteem. It;s not all about the self. In the USA we already place great value on the individual and feeling goof about ourselves. I think it goes to far and isn't balanced with care for others.

[Ramy Youssef · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading is book could be a turning point for most people. I have recommended this book to few friends and I got the same feedback.

I dont support the idea of reading Nathaniel Branden other book "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" as they are quite similar.

[Maggie Sweeney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Branden does a fantastic job at outlining the issues and solutions to self-esteem. However, his political and theological views are a hindrance to communicating psychology of the human person. Should rantings be omitted this book would surpass several others.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book was one of the things that saved my life when I was really depressed once.

[Ku Kaka · Rating 2 out of 5]

the book was really good at first 100 pages, and then it was really hard to finish it

[Justyna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although written 30 years ago, this book is refreshing! If you feel any need to read any self-help book, pick this one - rational, well articulated and provoking a lot of reflections and discussions.

[Simona · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent. Nathaniel Branden was a brilliant psychotherapist, and, as others have already pointed out, this book is his masterpiece.

However, it is NOT an easy book to read. There are many heavy concepts to learn and understand, from the self-esteem itself (which he explains in a way more profound manner than the current 'self-help community' does) to individuation and egoism. He also writes about how self-esteem relates to the entire human existence, from child-parent relationships to work and love. There are also chapters on death anxiety, rational selfishness, individualism and society, and more.

What I liked the most about this book was Branden's explanation of the act of 'honoring the self.' To 'honor the self' is to think independently (as according to Branden, often what people call thinking is merely a recycling of the opinions of others), to be aware of the outside/inside (subconscious) worlds, to have the courage of your own perceptions and judgments. Also, to accept our emotions, bodies, needs, and desires. The opposite of this attitude is denial, disowning, and repression, leading to low self-esteem and other problems.

I also liked his take on altruism and how toxic it is. Since altruism promotes the absence of 'the self,' people being guided by it start to ignore their needs and values to please others. Which, ultimately, creates resentment about 'the self' and the other people being served/helped.

All in all, it is an excellent book. I'd suggest reading it slowly and absorbing each chapter.