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He Comes Next: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man
Transform Yourself from "Passion Victim" to Passionista! In the smash hit She Comes First , Ian Kerner singlehandedly waged battle against male sexual "ill-cliteracy," and women everywhere benefited from his "viva la vulva" philosophy of female pleasure. Now, in Passionista , it's time to learn all about what turns men on— and makes them stay on . In this point-by-point, "blow-by-blow" guide, Kerner makes giving as much fun as receiving as he covers every angle of male sexuality, unlocks the secrets of satisfaction, and offers knowledgeable answers to the questions every woman wonders about. His advice is the closest you'll ever come to waking up in a guy's skin and knowing what truly makes him sexually tick. Written in the same witty, insightful, and utterly readable voice that has made She Comes First and Be Honest—You're Not That Into Him Either so popular, Passionista is the empowered woman's guide to enjoying sex to the fullest—and ensuring that he does the same.
240 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2006
About the author
Ian Kerner
26 books308 followersIan Kerner is a nationally-recognized sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media.
Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.
Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 116 reviews
January 29, 2013
Yes, I actually read the whole book and added it to my GR shelf for the whole world to see. Shy? Nopes! This is way 'tamer' than the erotica we read every day ;)
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Sooooo, if you are looking for book filled to the brim with sex tips & positions, don't read this. This book isn't aimed at newbies, but rather couples that have been in a relationship for a long time and crave more intimacy with their partner and would like to rekindle some of that sexual excitement that was there in the beginning of the relationship.
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It contains:
- great insights into the male psyche and it explains a lot of psychology behind sex and men, e.g. what makes them sexually tick.
- explains common sexual fantasies/desires that guys & girls have. You may be surprised to know how many people fantasize about exhibitionism, voyeurism, domination & submission.
- lists issues other people in long-term relationships have (i.e. you're not the only one)
- couples share the best sex they've ever had. It is not technique/position related, but more sexual fantasy related and doing some intimate things to each other. There were some hot ideas in this section and I may have highlighted some of them on my kindle ;)
About 15% of the book gives hands-on (if you know what I mean ;) lessons on how to draw out the process through the various states of arousal and to let your man achieve a mind-blowing 'global' orgasm. The focus is on his enjoyment.
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Life is way too short for boring sex!
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Sooooo, if you are looking for book filled to the brim with sex tips & positions, don't read this. This book isn't aimed at newbies, but rather couples that have been in a relationship for a long time and crave more intimacy with their partner and would like to rekindle some of that sexual excitement that was there in the beginning of the relationship.
[image error]
It contains:
- great insights into the male psyche and it explains a lot of psychology behind sex and men, e.g. what makes them sexually tick.
- explains common sexual fantasies/desires that guys & girls have. You may be surprised to know how many people fantasize about exhibitionism, voyeurism, domination & submission.
- lists issues other people in long-term relationships have (i.e. you're not the only one)
- couples share the best sex they've ever had. It is not technique/position related, but more sexual fantasy related and doing some intimate things to each other. There were some hot ideas in this section and I may have highlighted some of them on my kindle ;)
About 15% of the book gives hands-on (if you know what I mean ;) lessons on how to draw out the process through the various states of arousal and to let your man achieve a mind-blowing 'global' orgasm. The focus is on his enjoyment.
[image error]
Life is way too short for boring sex!
January 28, 2020
Fun read from time to time, you may find some science based explanations here and there, plenty of personal experiences of Ian's patients, and a conclusion based on Charlie's explanations! Charlie the George clooney looking guy who is a salesman and most men envy his sex life is gonna spank our doc (Ian) in the last chapter reminding him a lesson of life based on Einstein's blunder! That is indeed frustrating!
از کتاب ایراد گرفتم ولی ناراحتم که چرا کتابی انقدر داغون هم به ترجمه فارسی یا به قلم یک متخصص در این حوزه تو ایران نداریم. مسائلی اینقدر مهم چرا باید براساس تجربه کردن حل و فصل بشن؟ ماها دکتر و مهندس و متخصص های خوبی تو زمینه های مختلف هستیم و در مورد هر موضوعی هزارتا مرجع و مقاله از تو آستینمون درمیاریم ولی به سکس که میرسه همه از دم اطلاعاتمون در حد تجربیاتمونه و نسبت به علم بدبین میشیم و کسی که بخواد تو این مورد دنبال توصیه های علمی باشه از نظرمون آدم فانتزی و سوسولیه. نمیدونم چی بگم فقط امیدوارم که روزی برسه جای چرندیاتی که تو مدرسه تو حلقمون میکنن، چندتا کتاب آموزشی خنثی ای که مبناش فقط علم باشه برای تدریس الزامی کنن
از کتاب ایراد گرفتم ولی ناراحتم که چرا کتابی انقدر داغون هم به ترجمه فارسی یا به قلم یک متخصص در این حوزه تو ایران نداریم. مسائلی اینقدر مهم چرا باید براساس تجربه کردن حل و فصل بشن؟ ماها دکتر و مهندس و متخصص های خوبی تو زمینه های مختلف هستیم و در مورد هر موضوعی هزارتا مرجع و مقاله از تو آستینمون درمیاریم ولی به سکس که میرسه همه از دم اطلاعاتمون در حد تجربیاتمونه و نسبت به علم بدبین میشیم و کسی که بخواد تو این مورد دنبال توصیه های علمی باشه از نظرمون آدم فانتزی و سوسولیه. نمیدونم چی بگم فقط امیدوارم که روزی برسه جای چرندیاتی که تو مدرسه تو حلقمون میکنن، چندتا کتاب آموزشی خنثی ای که مبناش فقط علم باشه برای تدریس الزامی کنن
April 17, 2007
Ok. Here is what I'll say about why I own this book: No one ever taught me anything positive about sexual desire or money in my household as I was growing up. Those are perhaps the most taboo subjects in our intimate lives. While intimacy in relationships is not all about sex, we can not deny its importance. I only wish someone would write a book that explained the intrinsic desire to spend money I don't have...then I'd be taboo free.
The author wrote "She Comes First" a couple of years before this one. I haven't read it, but that's a cause I can get behind. It was such a controversial title that they could not even say it on daytime TV (the cover art was interesting as well). Naturally, my curiosity was reawakened when I saw his latest book.
Some of it focuses on techniques and what not, but the meat of this book is about understanding (from a biopsychosocial standpoint) male and female desire. Yes, you might learn how to give a better BJ, but if that's all you want to learn you will miss the best part...and you will have a difficult time justifying why you bought it.
Not unlike the experience of going to grad school, you'll get as much from this book as you are willing to put in.
The author wrote "She Comes First" a couple of years before this one. I haven't read it, but that's a cause I can get behind. It was such a controversial title that they could not even say it on daytime TV (the cover art was interesting as well). Naturally, my curiosity was reawakened when I saw his latest book.
Some of it focuses on techniques and what not, but the meat of this book is about understanding (from a biopsychosocial standpoint) male and female desire. Yes, you might learn how to give a better BJ, but if that's all you want to learn you will miss the best part...and you will have a difficult time justifying why you bought it.
Not unlike the experience of going to grad school, you'll get as much from this book as you are willing to put in.
June 29, 2020
Masz mój miecz!
Można bez końca rozprawiać się nad kobiecymi orgazmami, poradnikami dla mniej lub bardziej nieudacznych mężczyzn, którym te poradniki mają dać niemal boską moc ujarzmiania kobiecej seksualności. Miliony ksiąg i poradników, zarówno technicznych jak i tych pełnych psychologicznego podejścia do tematu. A co z męską seksualnością? Co z męską drogą do rozkoszy i orgazmu? Co z radością z seksu jaką może odczuwać mężczyzna? Czy wystarczy nas, mężczyzn jak najszybciej i jak najprościej doprowadzić do końca używając (wydawać by się mogło) najbardziej oczywistej drogi? Czy mężczyzna jest aż tak prosty „w obsłudze” jak to się powszechnie przyjęło uważać ?
Odpowiedzi nie są wcale tak oczywiste. Na wyżej postawione i wiele innych pytań w swojej książce „Jego orgazm później” odpowiada Ian Kerner (doradca seksualny i psychoterapeuta). O czym jest ta książka? Na pewno nie jest to zwykły poradnik seksualnej obsługi mężczyzny jakich wiele na rynku. Ian Kerner nie skupia się na tym, jak dobrze zrobić facetowi, ale jak dobrze zrobić aby to robienie dobrze było dobre (a nawet super) dla Was obojga. Pisze też o tym, że facetom też się czasem nie chce i też czasem dzień w pracy może wpłynąć na... ochotę. O tym, że Viagra postawi ale nie rozpali, a męczenie faceta jak nie jest nakręcony nic nie da. Przecież nie o mechaniczne kotłowanie tutaj chodzi, a o prawdziwa satysfakcję i radość z seksu jaką możecie zapewnić swojemu mężczyźnie i jaką można przeżyć razem.
Książka pomimo swoich „już kilku lat” od pierwszego wydania jest niezwykle dobrym kompendium wiedzy o seksualności w relacji. Trochę inny wydźwięk niż wydana wcześniej przez tego samego autora „Jej orgazm najpierw” kładzie większy nacisk na psychologię relacji niż same techniki. Mówi też o tym czym jest pożądanie drugiej konkretnej osoby i jak bardzo różni się od pożądania zaspokojenia po prostu.
Redakcyjnie bardzo dobrze, podział na wstęp zawierający informacje przede wszystkim po co, dla kogo i dlaczego jest ta książka. Z manierą dobrego nauczyciela Kerner tłumaczy czemu warto się przyjrzeć. Dalej mamy dwie części dzielone na poszczególne rozdziały „Ciało mężczyzny” oraz „Techniki”. Całkiem zdatnie to sklejone, ale przy „technikach” czułem lekki niedosyt, można było ten temat bardziej rozbujać.
Ciekawa książeczka, choć nie była dla mnie aż tak zabawna jak część dla mężczyzn (cóż, ta jest przeznaczona dla kobiet, nie jestem więc adresatem docelowym) również okraszona jest dużą dawką dobrego humoru Autora. Rewolucji do waszych łóżek nie wniesie, ale poczytać można, a nuż się coś ciekawego dowiecie 😊 Moim zdaniem kilka pomysłów Autor miał całkiem niegłupich i nawet się z nimi zgadzam.
29.06.2020 r.
Można bez końca rozprawiać się nad kobiecymi orgazmami, poradnikami dla mniej lub bardziej nieudacznych mężczyzn, którym te poradniki mają dać niemal boską moc ujarzmiania kobiecej seksualności. Miliony ksiąg i poradników, zarówno technicznych jak i tych pełnych psychologicznego podejścia do tematu. A co z męską seksualnością? Co z męską drogą do rozkoszy i orgazmu? Co z radością z seksu jaką może odczuwać mężczyzna? Czy wystarczy nas, mężczyzn jak najszybciej i jak najprościej doprowadzić do końca używając (wydawać by się mogło) najbardziej oczywistej drogi? Czy mężczyzna jest aż tak prosty „w obsłudze” jak to się powszechnie przyjęło uważać ?
Odpowiedzi nie są wcale tak oczywiste. Na wyżej postawione i wiele innych pytań w swojej książce „Jego orgazm później” odpowiada Ian Kerner (doradca seksualny i psychoterapeuta). O czym jest ta książka? Na pewno nie jest to zwykły poradnik seksualnej obsługi mężczyzny jakich wiele na rynku. Ian Kerner nie skupia się na tym, jak dobrze zrobić facetowi, ale jak dobrze zrobić aby to robienie dobrze było dobre (a nawet super) dla Was obojga. Pisze też o tym, że facetom też się czasem nie chce i też czasem dzień w pracy może wpłynąć na... ochotę. O tym, że Viagra postawi ale nie rozpali, a męczenie faceta jak nie jest nakręcony nic nie da. Przecież nie o mechaniczne kotłowanie tutaj chodzi, a o prawdziwa satysfakcję i radość z seksu jaką możecie zapewnić swojemu mężczyźnie i jaką można przeżyć razem.
Książka pomimo swoich „już kilku lat” od pierwszego wydania jest niezwykle dobrym kompendium wiedzy o seksualności w relacji. Trochę inny wydźwięk niż wydana wcześniej przez tego samego autora „Jej orgazm najpierw” kładzie większy nacisk na psychologię relacji niż same techniki. Mówi też o tym czym jest pożądanie drugiej konkretnej osoby i jak bardzo różni się od pożądania zaspokojenia po prostu.
Redakcyjnie bardzo dobrze, podział na wstęp zawierający informacje przede wszystkim po co, dla kogo i dlaczego jest ta książka. Z manierą dobrego nauczyciela Kerner tłumaczy czemu warto się przyjrzeć. Dalej mamy dwie części dzielone na poszczególne rozdziały „Ciało mężczyzny” oraz „Techniki”. Całkiem zdatnie to sklejone, ale przy „technikach” czułem lekki niedosyt, można było ten temat bardziej rozbujać.
Ciekawa książeczka, choć nie była dla mnie aż tak zabawna jak część dla mężczyzn (cóż, ta jest przeznaczona dla kobiet, nie jestem więc adresatem docelowym) również okraszona jest dużą dawką dobrego humoru Autora. Rewolucji do waszych łóżek nie wniesie, ale poczytać można, a nuż się coś ciekawego dowiecie 😊 Moim zdaniem kilka pomysłów Autor miał całkiem niegłupich i nawet się z nimi zgadzam.
29.06.2020 r.
December 19, 2012
I got this book to better understand the opposite sex and educate myself on all things penis related. LOL This book fit the bill. I learned a lot about what makes my partner tick both physically and emotionally that I did not know, as well as was reassured that what I did know was accurate. It opened up a dialog between my partner and I as well by creating an empathetic understanding in me for what he, as a male, goes thru on a daily basis, not just sexually. This book is mostly NOT about sex but about the mind and intimacy and I loved that. I would highly recommend this book to any woman in a heterosexual relationship regardless of your sexual orientation (I am bisexual myself but just ended up falling in love with a man). I also think there are things that a gay male couple could learn about each other by reading this book, although I will warn you that it is very heterocentric in its writing and examples. That actually would be my only complaint about the book. It is easy to understand but not dumb downed. It is amusing and touching and honest.
March 8, 2008
Really good book...probably not what you think. If you have low self esteem this book is good for making you feel sexy! I suggest it to all women, as well as suggest "She Comes First" to all men!
June 29, 2023
Quite informative, I learned a thing or two.
Part 1 focused on the male’s general thinking and psychology; the societal pressures and expectations and how that affects their overall performance. There’s also a couple of things I’ve had to unlearn about men’s pleasure. All in all what I got from this part is that communication and exploration are important.
Part 2 then delves into the tips and techniques, the part I’m sure everyone wanted to jump to 😂.
I can’t wait to read “She comes first” which I probably should’ve started with.
Part 1 focused on the male’s general thinking and psychology; the societal pressures and expectations and how that affects their overall performance. There’s also a couple of things I’ve had to unlearn about men’s pleasure. All in all what I got from this part is that communication and exploration are important.
Part 2 then delves into the tips and techniques, the part I’m sure everyone wanted to jump to 😂.
I can’t wait to read “She comes first” which I probably should’ve started with.
June 2, 2016
To co prawda nie była książka dla mnie, ale z tym większą ciekawością ją przeczytałem.
A potencjalnym czytelniczkom, chciałem tylko powiedzieć, że tak - większość obserwacji, refleksji i uwag (nie tylko o charakterze technicznym) opisanych w tej książce - to prawda ;-)
A potencjalnym czytelniczkom, chciałem tylko powiedzieć, że tak - większość obserwacji, refleksji i uwag (nie tylko o charakterze technicznym) opisanych w tej książce - to prawda ;-)
January 27, 2012
Wonderful read and many good hands-on lessons, if you can keep up. Ian does a good job in giving detail suggestions on how to use your hands, body, and mind while creating a connection with your lover. According to Ian these techniques will help you to gain more confidence in the bed and become more assertive in giving your lover pleasure. Many ah times I was aroused just taking my time savoring on each lesson. It will take a few times to read it and let it soak in to really grasp each technique, but it's worth it.
I loved how simple the overall suggestion/guide was to attaining a healthy relationship(s) with your lover(s). Sometimes it's the simple things that we (as women) overlook about ourselves that attract our men to us. We should really take the advice to keep it simple, enjoy, and appreciate our unique and individual beauty of Women.
I loved how simple the overall suggestion/guide was to attaining a healthy relationship(s) with your lover(s). Sometimes it's the simple things that we (as women) overlook about ourselves that attract our men to us. We should really take the advice to keep it simple, enjoy, and appreciate our unique and individual beauty of Women.
February 23, 2012
*A great big O*
I'd give this book a big O for outstanding. This book goes beyond just serving as a how-to on having great sex, but first and foremost provides a how-to on having a great relationship. (And, believe it or not, the two really are connected.) Continually entertaining, informative, and insightful from cover to cover, this book will likely suck (ok, puns are hard to avoid in writing this review) you in from the start and keep your attention throughout. As the author conveys throughout the book, the secret to having an exciting relationship in the bedroom is to first have an exciting one outside of it
I'd give this book a big O for outstanding. This book goes beyond just serving as a how-to on having great sex, but first and foremost provides a how-to on having a great relationship. (And, believe it or not, the two really are connected.) Continually entertaining, informative, and insightful from cover to cover, this book will likely suck (ok, puns are hard to avoid in writing this review) you in from the start and keep your attention throughout. As the author conveys throughout the book, the secret to having an exciting relationship in the bedroom is to first have an exciting one outside of it
January 16, 2017
This book's precursor "She Comes First" felt more informative and the techniques detailed there are almost more useful in pleasuring a man than the ones here.
Only about 1/6 of this book was actually focused on physical technique (which is fine since the author repeated almost too many times that men have emotional needs too) and that portion seemed rushed.
Overall, an interesting look at male arousal, but if you're expecting the playfulness and confidence of She Comes First, this isn't it.
Only about 1/6 of this book was actually focused on physical technique (which is fine since the author repeated almost too many times that men have emotional needs too) and that portion seemed rushed.
Overall, an interesting look at male arousal, but if you're expecting the playfulness and confidence of She Comes First, this isn't it.
May 26, 2020
For my friends who see I read this book, keep your judgements to yourself! This actually had an awesome philosophy of sex that is greatly lacking in the church. There were bits here and there I'm not sure I would endorse, but overall, I would suggest women and men alike read this book because it might just surprise you how much we're built for monogamy and how important it is to understand these more private parts of ourselves (pun intended). I didn't read all of his other book, 'She Comes First', but it what I did read was also really good.
January 10, 2009
Holy lame. This book is only going to interest ladies if their sex life is the least imaginative thing ever, if their guys have no idea what they are doing and also probably have no emotional connection to themselves at all, and if one or both parties have serious hangups about even just vanilla sex. I read it in one sitting, and the only thing I could think the entire time was, "Well, yes, OBVIOUSLY." No dice, man.
August 5, 2020
I seriously asked myself whether I should include that book to my Goodreads list because "oh no, what will the world think". How about the following: Ah, a woman that is confident, aware of her sexuality, and disrupting the cultural prejudice that discourses of gender and sexuality are taboo.
To the book itself: It's not at all what I expected it to be. It's not a guide but more an eye-opener that changed my view on sex and pleasure overall. I fully recommend it! :D
To the book itself: It's not at all what I expected it to be. It's not a guide but more an eye-opener that changed my view on sex and pleasure overall. I fully recommend it! :D
May 6, 2014
A psychological and physiological guide to men's sexuality and a great reminder of where your husband is coming from (pun intended.)
November 27, 2010
It is a great book! The author gives a lot of info on how to please a man.
Girls, if you think you know how to please your man - think again!
I'm not gonna say much, just read the book and you'll see why I call it my bedroom bible :P
Girls, if you think you know how to please your man - think again!
I'm not gonna say much, just read the book and you'll see why I call it my bedroom bible :P
April 17, 2013
Eh, was OK. Not really well written, IMHO, but I suppose there were a couple relevant points.
Would be way better to have an open conversation with one's male partner rather than waste time on the generalizations in this book.
Would be way better to have an open conversation with one's male partner rather than waste time on the generalizations in this book.
May 31, 2016
Don't waste your time or energy. NOT the book I was expecting after I read "She Comes First". I was so disappointed I actually wrote the author and wanted my money back (didn't work by the way, but he did offer me some free online books).
February 21, 2008
I really like reading a book written by a man with a femenist point of view.
May 9, 2008
I was a little shy to add this book to my list- for all the world to see, but oh well! I'm enjoying it so far.
Want to Read
June 6, 2008found this while shelving, but i may have to go to another branch to check it out. i have to work with these people, after all.
July 30, 2008
I recommend this book to all women. It is clever and it explains a lot of the psychology behind sex and men. Plus it is a fun read.
May 25, 2015
Overall the book was interesting, but nothing really new was uncovered. I think this would be a great book for young inexperienced ladies!
Read
May 5, 2025No es un libro de posiciones ni de sexo desenfrenado. Lo leí porque me lo recomendó una amiga doctora y se me hizo interesante. Es un libro para parejas que quieren revivir su sexualidad o para parejas que quieren encontrar cómo mejorar su relación por medio de la sexualidad. Ayuda a entender el pensamiento y el deseo desde el punto de vista de los hombres y da ideas creativas de cómo hacerlo.
May 22, 2026
Favorite Quotes:
“To live in society, we all require a degree of control. Too much control, however, and we can become automatons. Control is always being right. Control is not letting your feelings influence your life. Control is not letting the joy of life be a goal. Control is not expressing your feelings. Control is being neutral or neuter. Control is not being sensual. Control is lessening the enjoyment of sex. Control is not being aware or responsive to the feelings of others, since you are not aware of your own feelings. Control is always being on an even emotional plane.”
“The chemicals that are released during infatuation are the same chemicals triggered when we cheat, which, interestingly enough, are also the same chemicals released when a drug addict gets his or her fix.”
“To live in society, we all require a degree of control. Too much control, however, and we can become automatons. Control is always being right. Control is not letting your feelings influence your life. Control is not letting the joy of life be a goal. Control is not expressing your feelings. Control is being neutral or neuter. Control is not being sensual. Control is lessening the enjoyment of sex. Control is not being aware or responsive to the feelings of others, since you are not aware of your own feelings. Control is always being on an even emotional plane.”
“The chemicals that are released during infatuation are the same chemicals triggered when we cheat, which, interestingly enough, are also the same chemicals released when a drug addict gets his or her fix.”
July 9, 2022
Great, factual, pro-feminist and pro-monogamist info.
Read
November 2, 2022Recommended by a friend. Interesting, but not revolutionary.
January 4, 2023
This book is spicy with a heart🥺💖🥵😭 it’s nice to get an intellectual say so in the topic including very detailed maps. I enjoyed getting educated immensely.
September 16, 2024
Turėtų būti privalomas (mergaičių) gimnazijos skaitinys. Bo krikščionybės ir driskių okupantų nustekenti lietuviai niekaip nesusidraugauja su savo kūnais ir neleidžia sau, o ypač kitiems, džiaugtis gyvenimu.
January 15, 2025
I love how Ian Kerner writes about sex. This book is written in a cishet paradigm defined by the audience he writes to; but it has no toxic heteronormativity you could expect from which a title.
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