> Even if I can’t see what’s in the shadows this time, I know what I feel and there are things I know and feel and see that other people don’t. Ny mother was gutting a chicken she pointed at me with the knife and said, “This girl’s going to give us trouble. Look at her eyes.” She put down the chicken and was quiet a long time, watching me. “They’re barely open, she’s only a baby and she’s watching everything.” And then Mama turned her back to me so I wouldn’t witness her work, so I wouldn’t see her cut the chicken apart.
Omishto. One Who Watches.
>
> I stand up behind her before she even has a chance to answer, take the brush, and run long strokes through her dark hair the way my sister and I do with each other’s hair, the way I used to do with my grandpa who’d never once had her hair cut. It’s the way of girls and women.
>
> It’s as if everything breathes, hard and desperate, the land, the house, the water.
The wind is a living force. We Taiga call the wind Oni. It enters us all at birth and stays with us all through life. It connects us to every other creature.
>
> Her hair looks like it is part of the dying house, a black vine creeping along the wall, and she is only carved wood. I think I can see her rib cage through the cloth, her belly and breasts.
Ama is being covered by blown-in vines and wet, dark leaves, as if the world is trying to bury her, and her eyes are closes.
>
> “I see how the snakes were flung against her house by the rough, angry hands of wind. There are three, one still alive, a brown piece of slow-moving flesh. t, too, is covered with mud. It moves as if it just returned to life, delivered out of death. Ama has a bruise forming on her arm where she was hit, perhaps by the snake. The preacher would say this is a bad sign, snakes at a woman’s feet, but Ama doesn’t believe in the preacher. She believes in old Janie Soto and Annie Hide and the old women would say the snakes are a sign of God, they always were, it was always this way and still is. They *are* god, Janie Soto contends. And Janie ought to know because she’s been face to face with this other God all her life. For whatever reason I start to think of this old woman, I wonder how the old people who live in their little settlement at Kili Swamp have weathered this storm. And my mother, I wonder if her house has survived it, if she is okay or worrying about me, or if her faith relieves her of even these concerns. “
>
> Stunned animals walk about, unafraid of us. Two herons, unable to fly, walk slowly. We are usually only something visited in their dreams and they must believe this silence is not the waking world, the wakened time, as they look at us without seeing.
>
> Believing and knowing are two lands distant from each other.
>
> ” I think again of breath, and how we Taiga people have that word -Oni- for breath and air and wind. It is a force. Oni is like God, it is everywhere, unseen. I think I heard this word spoken in the rush of weather. I’m sure of it. The wind said it’s own name, “Oni”.
>
> Mama used to say I looked like something the wind blew in.
>
> She has given in to nature, or to something inside herself. She’s unwilling to fend it off. But then, it has always been Ama’s skill ti live with the world and not against it.
>
> [Grief]
I look over at Ama. She’s quiet, as if she’s preparing herself for something, calling her soul to her as sure as if she’s saying out loud, “Will all the parts of Ama Eaton come here, come home.”
>
> I look back at the tracks we’ve left in the wet ground, as if we’ve grown from them, as if they created us and we grew upward, rose up as if from the footprints of our ancestors, to become the flesh of a woman and a girl. Ama walks as if it’s easy, her steps are nearly silent. Behind her I keep as eye on her back. It is straight.
I have already forgotten such things as music exist. Ama doesn’t hear it, though, she only hears the deer walk. “Listen to its hooves,” she says, and I wonder how, always, she puts this world away as if it never happened and how she hears the little feet of the deer.
>
> It is also honest land. It doesn’t lie or hide anything. Neither does Ama. Everything she is, everything she is about to do, is clear in her face and in her movement and in her words. The way everything is open to view when sunlight comes down through the hold where all life entered this world.
>
> I feel watched. By nature. I think now. It’s what I felt watching me, all along. It knows us. It watches us. The animals have eyes that see us. The birds, the trees, everything knows what we do.
>
> Everything about her says she doesn’t want to do this thing, but that there is no choice, as if it’s destiny, as if it’s fate, as if all the stories are true.
>
> tears run down Ama’s face even though she doesn’t look like she is crying when you look at her. It is just wetness falling down her skin.
>
> “This way is God,” she says, and I wonder if she means the way we travel or the kind of murder she is about to commit.
God was what we call what we don’t know, Ama Eaton is following this kind of unknown thing, moving toward it.
>
> When she rises up and walks out from the skin of the water, her hair is wet and long down her back and the moon is reflected on her wet outline and I notice for the first time how womanly she is, that she has a strong and curved body.
>
> Everything she does is all under the surface and secret, unlike the land which yields itself and is open in the bright moonlight.
>
> It has the softness too, of something that wanted to live and couldn’t. It is beautiful, its skin loose on it, the muscular hunger of it’s body that does not seem to breath.
>
> “What do you know and what do you just believe?” I thought about that for the longest time. I know nothing, I only believe in things. And what I believe in now is the force of the storm, the mighty force of it, and the cat lying dead or half dead in the bushes and trees and that what we are doing is wrong but I know that we are compelled to it.
>
> [Ama’s Reasoning] Ama cries just to look at it. I know why she cries. Because once they were beautiful and large and powerful. Now it is just like her, like the woman who wears boy’s old shoes because she’s poor and they are cheaper, and it is also like me trying so hard to stay out of Herman’s way, trying to think what kind of like I’ll ever have, and it is like the cut-up land, too, and I see that this is what has become of us, of all three of us here. We are diminished and endangered.
>
> We humans are nothing more than a vision the gods had. We are only one song, one of the births of this singular world, one of the deaths, too, all of it blown together by the winds of a storm. I don’t know why I remember this now, but I do and I also think there is nothing whole about this, not any of this.
>
> Sisa, that’s what we call the cat in Taiga. It is our name for them. It means godlike, all-powerful. The cat is the animal that came here before us and it taught us the word, Oni, which is the word for life itself, for the wind and breath, and I think all this as Ama carries it like it weighs nothing, no breath in it. But now the breath is in us.I am quit. I don’t help her. I don’t touch the cat, not once. I am afraid to. It’s not that I think it will spring back to life. It’s that, even dead, it has power over us, some kind of sway. There will be punishment and retribution, I know, words they use at my mother’s church. I don’t like these words, but I can’t think of any other. And I know, too, that Ama believes, without a doubt in her heart, that this is redemption. I can see it in her face, so calm, so quiet.
>
> She doesn’t fuss. I watch her closely. I can’t read a thing on her face, not a look of surprise, not a look of remorse or guilt either. She is at peace
>
> Once Ama painted the metal roof of her house red, the color of oxblood, but most of it is peeled off by now. It reminds me of her in that way, no paint of fixing up, worn down to within an inch or a minute of falling.
The house is sinking back into the earth and Ama would let it. It is the natural thing
>
> My mother used to say, You trying to dig a hole to China>” And I guess I was. Every place that I could find a crack of pure earth I’d dig. It was in my mind to escape this world. I’d pretended I was tunneling out of prison or that I’d break into one of the rivers underground and float it away from here. I thought a way would break open, and I’d find an entrance to another world and I would enter it free and alone.
>
> Sometimes I see things as they were before this world, in the time of first people. Not just before the building of houses, the filling in of land, the drying up of water, but long ago, before we had canoes and torches and moved through the wet night like earthbound stars, slow and enchanted in out human orbit, knowing our route because, as Ama said, it has always been our route. I see this place from in the beginning when it was an ocean of a world. Even sky was a kind of water. Land not yet created. And then a breeze of air, an alive wind, swept through, searching for something to breath its life into and all it could do was move the water in waves and tides, and water didn’t stand up, although it spoke
It was before there were ants that survived the floods by gluing sticks together to make rafts that will float. At first, there was not even a stone. It must have been that a dreaming god, a begetter of some kind, dreamed up something solid and rooted. Then, that first island floated up like a limestone from the ocean floor, the way it is now, in this time, and it began to breathe. Soon, green ferns pushed up their first coils from the ground and opened. The frogs emerged from the mud and the island in the sea was breathing. The wind breathed through all of this. **And all this was before anyone thought of heaven**. The time might has been the age of the first trees, tall cypress or the mangrove trees that from land now.
>
> It has all fallen, this poisoned, cut world. It has fallen in a way that means this place is taken down a notch. Unloved and disgraced and torn apart. Fallen, that’s what this world is. And betrayed.
>
> I can’t tell her— she would never understand— that it was an old story we must have followed, that we were under something that felt like a spell, that what I followed wasn’t Ama, and that Ama followed something that wasn’t her either. It wasn’t that Ama was claiming something, but that something was claiming her.
>
> I can hear everyone in the living room watching TV. They are together, as if to show that now I am outside this family. I am the source of their problems. I have brought them closer together, joined them in their judgement of me.
>
> I can still smell the cat, the sharp odor, the damp fur, the smell of cut flesh and blood, all still with me like it’s become my skin, and I am steeped in it. All around me are the houses, with people watching television and eating their snacks, and I am in the trees.
>
> bacteria and enzymes grow new life from decay out of darkness and water. It’s into this that I want to fall, into swamp and mud and sludge, and it seems like falling is the natural way of things; gravity needs no fuel, no wings. It needs only stillness and waiting and time.
>
> Two worlds exist. Maybe it’s always been this way, but I enter them both like I am two people. Above and below. Land and water. Now and then.
>
> Forgiveness means that whatever the sin was, you will never do it again, and that others will stop judging you. It means you are pardons by them and you know the error of your ways. It’s a gift they offer you. But it’s a selfish gift because it makes them feel better than it makes you feel.
>
> I’m both a Taiga, a person from this downtrodden place, and I am the smart daughter, the one they think will show all the other’s how we can make it. I was the one who would prove that we are not the bottom of the world. They thought their kids would follow me. Now they hope they won’t.
>
> resurrection ferns that wait for a rain like dead things and then open up new and green and beautiful like they are doing right now out on the hurricane felled trees, like they didn’t know it was catastrophe that gave them life. Maybe, I think, I am like those ferns. Ama’s like the rain.
>
> I receive them, but inside my skin I feel myself draw back, even though these are generous women, kind women. But theirs is a spare God, short on love, thin on compassion, strong on judgement. Theirs is a fallen God, at least in my eyes, and it’s not for me I sit here, and it doesn’t feel good, this sacrifice. I feel it in my stomach— it doesn’t feel right
>
> It’s a good feeling to be empty-handed, to feel naked as if a whole life was blown off my back by a storm.
>
> I hate the smell of school, but I’ve been good at it, this world where we study war and numbers that combine to destroy life.
>
> I sit down and make myself still inside, as if dreaming. I sit until the teacher comes over and places a book before me, already opened, but I am thinking how at school I have learned there’s no room in sky for my mother’s heaven; there’s no room at the center of the earth for hell, either. It is new worlds I will have to look for. I sit without looking at the book.
Nothing to state that I have entered this room. I’m silent. It’s as if I’m not here. All the time, inside my own mind, I talk to myself. I am not a cloud that has to fall, I tell myself. I am not a tree, broken by the wind. I am not a building fallen with the storm. I am not brick, collapsed. **I glance around, knowing I am not one of those people, either, not these people who are like vines grown over this land, smothering it.**
>
> I look at a leaf with acetone on it, the perfect natural structure of it, the fluids moving around the thin-veined webbing of green. Leaf, I think, what an easy thing to be. Humans are not like leaves. We are shambles of an animal.
>
> I’ve been good at this world, the one that hits you when you are born and makes you cry right from the start, so that crying is your first language. I’ve learned what I was supposed to learn, but now it comes to me that in doing so I’ve unlearned other things. I’ve lost my sense; I cannot sense things. Yes, we are a shambles. And maybe Ama found the way; she found it when all the paths were washed away by rivers from the sky, when all the buildings were blown down by the breath of a God. For just one day, that one day, she found a way out of that shambles, a way around it. And it’s this I want to find. But now she has no path back, no way to return even if she wanted to be here in this America. She lives in a point, a small point, between two weighted things and it is always rocking, this scale, back and forth.
>
> And I say to myself, I am not a child. I am not a white person. I am not the one who was wrong.
>
> And I am the child who followed, the quiet thing who has no mind. They can’t tell what I am inside. Neither can I.
>
> As she puts it, she is occupied from morning to night. That she occupies. House. Woods. Water. Land. And does it in a beautiful manner.
>
> The people, are watching Ama, studying her. She’s a curiosity. She is a human being of a different kind. She makes them doubt, I see that.
>
> A woman so unlike them as to exist in another world, another time. She is their animal.
>
> They are the children of those who were alive from the deaths of others and so I do not look at them even though they are right; they are taking up our beliefs and judging us, and to them I am a monster because for them everything has been so easy, but they do not see themselves or know their own history.
>
> There is something in between them. Their eyes speak and I can’t enter the current of their gaze. It’s an exchange the color of rich, middy water. I know a world grows there, in that water, the river flowing between them. Maybe it is a river of life or the deep water of our tribe and in it are our riches.
>
> Yet, always, we the survivors still had the sweet perfumed air, the winds from the gulf, the leaping of fish when they were fish. There was still a world of cats with eyes of light, deer with lovely antlers, bears that sounded like storms, wading birds with their twins on the skin of water. We saw the stars with their faces of brilliant fire. We knew the round, high world of eagles and all of it the food of creation before God and guns, orderliness and clocks.
>
> I see how she loves and fears her, but Ama takes directions not from people, but from the earth itself. She believes in earth.
>
> “Look at them”
”They are all waiting for Jesus to come and save them.”
>
> I take it all in because I do know this— I will not be the same person when I return. A door has closed, a door that will never open again, to a house and a life I will never fully enter or dwell in again. It’s more than childhood I am leaving.
I am at the beginning or the end of a great distance. What the distance is, I can’t say. But it is a distance that ends and begins with me.
>
> They still hold themselves in a beautiful manner; that’s what we used to call it, “a beautiful manner.” It’s the way of living that holds tight to memory, creation, and earth. You can see this goodness of life on their peaceful faces, on their skin.
>
> Through the ground, through the heavy pull of gravity, I feel the deep underground waters, all of it beneath the hot, bright sun and the fresh odor of this sun-warmed world, and I am sinking.
>
> His eyes look cracked and white around the edges as if he’s seen too much sun, or other things he should never have looked at.
>
> The place itself seems alive. Here, the land itself seems to have a sound, the soft brush of a breeze. And the sun— if sun could pile up like snow, it would pile against my body, against the trees, the old people.
>
> And I will speak in this full light of sun where nothing is hidden and they will listen, sitting still as rocks. My words will be important to them.
>
> It was history, not us, that failed, as if history is a person, one that takes hold of us and decides who will survive, who will die, who will be whole and who will not. But in reality I know that history is nothing more than the after shock of men’s fears and rages and the wars those two feelings create. It’s a tidal wave that swallows worlds whole and leaves nothing behind.
>
> Banishment is equal to death. It is death to be split from your own people, your self, to go away from the place you so love.
>
> Ama stands, her back to us. She stands still in a moment that stretches itself out and seems like forever. I am afraid to