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The Friends We Keep: A Woman's Quest for the Soul of Friendship
Why are women’s friendships so tricky?
During a particularly painful time in her life, Sarah Zacharias Davis learned how delightful–and wounding–women can be in friendship. She saw how some friendships end badly, others die slow deaths, and how a chance acquaintance can become that enduring friend you need.
The Friends We Keep is Sarah’s thoughtful account of her own story and the stories of other women about navigating friendship. Her revealing discoveries tackle the questions every woman
• Why do we long so for women friends?
• Do we need friends like we need air or food or water?
• What causes cattiness, competition, and co-dependency in too many friendships?
• Why do some friendships last forever and others only a season?
• How do I foster friendship?
• When is it time to let a friend go, and how do I do so?
With heartfelt, intelligent writing, Sarah explores these questions and more with personal stories, cultural references and history, faith, and grace. In the process, she delivers wisdom for navigating the challenges, mysteries, and delights of why we need friendships with other women, what it means to be safe in relationship, and how to embrace what a friend has to offer, whether meager or generous.
During a particularly painful time in her life, Sarah Zacharias Davis learned how delightful–and wounding–women can be in friendship. She saw how some friendships end badly, others die slow deaths, and how a chance acquaintance can become that enduring friend you need.
The Friends We Keep is Sarah’s thoughtful account of her own story and the stories of other women about navigating friendship. Her revealing discoveries tackle the questions every woman
• Why do we long so for women friends?
• Do we need friends like we need air or food or water?
• What causes cattiness, competition, and co-dependency in too many friendships?
• Why do some friendships last forever and others only a season?
• How do I foster friendship?
• When is it time to let a friend go, and how do I do so?
With heartfelt, intelligent writing, Sarah explores these questions and more with personal stories, cultural references and history, faith, and grace. In the process, she delivers wisdom for navigating the challenges, mysteries, and delights of why we need friendships with other women, what it means to be safe in relationship, and how to embrace what a friend has to offer, whether meager or generous.
224 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
27 people are currently reading
114 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Zacharias Davis
3 books2 followersSarah Zacharias Davis is the Executive Director of Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, headquartered in Alpharetta, Georgia. She rejoined RZIM after a position as Senior Advancement Officer at Pepperdine University Graduate School of Education and Psychology. She served previously as Vice President of Marketing and Development for RZIM and in strategic marketing for CNN and was the recipient of the President’s Award for Excellence at both.
The oldest daughter of Ravi Zacharias, Davis is the author of the critically-acclaimed Confessions from an Honest Wife, Transparent: Getting Honest About Who We Are and Who We Want To Be, and The Friends We Keep: A Woman’s Quest for the Soul of Friendship. She has written for Focus on the Family, Radiant Magazine, Proverbs 31 Woman, and Faith and Fitness. Sarah has been a guest on numerous radio programs, both national and local, and has appeared on Life Today with James Robison, Family Net Television, and Cornerstone TV.
Sarah was graduated from Covenant College with a degree in education.
The oldest daughter of Ravi Zacharias, Davis is the author of the critically-acclaimed Confessions from an Honest Wife, Transparent: Getting Honest About Who We Are and Who We Want To Be, and The Friends We Keep: A Woman’s Quest for the Soul of Friendship. She has written for Focus on the Family, Radiant Magazine, Proverbs 31 Woman, and Faith and Fitness. Sarah has been a guest on numerous radio programs, both national and local, and has appeared on Life Today with James Robison, Family Net Television, and Cornerstone TV.
Sarah was graduated from Covenant College with a degree in education.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
December 3, 2013
I wouldn't read this book again or suggest it. I felt like it was alot based on what she thought plus she quoted more people and their books, thoughts, quotes. When looking for this it came up under religion but rarely did she use the Bible.
January 5, 2016
There were places in this book that absolutely spoke to my hurting heart and gave me food to chew on. There was also much that seemed to me that we as women already know.
August 15, 2009
This book was about - you guessed it - friends. But not just any friends - women and their friends. Why we need them, how we make them, how we keep them, and even why we lose them.
Each chapter shared some one's story that was relevant to the point that the author was trying to make. A lot of the stories I could relate to, or at the very least, knew someone who would fit in it. She explores a lot of the different sides to friendships, like the different ways we can love a friend, why we might need a particular friend - or why that friend might need us. What we get from a relationship - do we give or take from it? The book ends with how and why we need to be friends with our self.
The chapter I really like was titled "The Lesson of Lucy Van Pelt". I am sure that many of you remember Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip and what we are talking about here is gossip. This is something that I know I am guilty of and it is so easy to fall into gossiping about someone else. We can cover it up by making it look like we are really just "inquiring" because we are worried about someone or we try to cover up our gossip by "sugarcoating" it.
If you're not from the south, it goes something like this: "Since Anne Marie put on all that weight, she just looks poured into those pants. Someone needs to tell her those look terrible, bless her heart." Or, "Poor Donna Jo's husband has been cheating on her with his secretary, though I can't say I'm surprised. Men like women who cook for them, and she was always a dreadful cook, bless her heart." Add the word "little" and you can get away with saying even worse. "Shelby's wedding was sweet. Such a shame it will never last, bless her little heart." You get the idea. (The Friends We Keep, p44)
She ends this chapter with a story about a woman who had a casual friend that she had known for years. They weren't particularly close, and had really only kept in contact through mutual friends. When the woman was having a tough time in her life she was confiding her problems in only her close friends. This casual friend and her husband were at a dinner party when someone asked about how she was doing. This casual friend immediately jumped in and said that it was not appropriate for dinner conversation, and stopped any story telling that might have occurred. The woman relates "I felt a connection to her, instantly closer than I ever had in all the years I'd known her." (p48) This really touched me and made me take a closer look at things I may or may not have said over the years.
What if connection becomes greater by keeping secrets and sharing something personal to you rather than sharing what is personal to an absent other? What if power comes from empowering others rather than dominating them? What if friendship is cemented by rescuing a friend's reputation when it may be on the line? What if the glue that holds us together is discretion, no disclosure? (p48-49)
My thoughts: This book made me take a closer look at why I feel I don't have a lot of close friends. Even as a teen, I had just a handful of girls that I would call actually friends. I grew up in a small town, where we knew everybody - but I didn't feel like I fit in well with most of them. This feeling continued in college where I still only can recall 3-4 real girlfriends. It did make me see how I could benefit from having more friends, and that I should work on these relationships. Any thing worthwhile does take time. I was surprised by how many responses I have gotten on my give away for this book from women who said that they also did not have many friends, or had trouble making friends.
Each chapter shared some one's story that was relevant to the point that the author was trying to make. A lot of the stories I could relate to, or at the very least, knew someone who would fit in it. She explores a lot of the different sides to friendships, like the different ways we can love a friend, why we might need a particular friend - or why that friend might need us. What we get from a relationship - do we give or take from it? The book ends with how and why we need to be friends with our self.
The chapter I really like was titled "The Lesson of Lucy Van Pelt". I am sure that many of you remember Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip and what we are talking about here is gossip. This is something that I know I am guilty of and it is so easy to fall into gossiping about someone else. We can cover it up by making it look like we are really just "inquiring" because we are worried about someone or we try to cover up our gossip by "sugarcoating" it.
If you're not from the south, it goes something like this: "Since Anne Marie put on all that weight, she just looks poured into those pants. Someone needs to tell her those look terrible, bless her heart." Or, "Poor Donna Jo's husband has been cheating on her with his secretary, though I can't say I'm surprised. Men like women who cook for them, and she was always a dreadful cook, bless her heart." Add the word "little" and you can get away with saying even worse. "Shelby's wedding was sweet. Such a shame it will never last, bless her little heart." You get the idea. (The Friends We Keep, p44)
She ends this chapter with a story about a woman who had a casual friend that she had known for years. They weren't particularly close, and had really only kept in contact through mutual friends. When the woman was having a tough time in her life she was confiding her problems in only her close friends. This casual friend and her husband were at a dinner party when someone asked about how she was doing. This casual friend immediately jumped in and said that it was not appropriate for dinner conversation, and stopped any story telling that might have occurred. The woman relates "I felt a connection to her, instantly closer than I ever had in all the years I'd known her." (p48) This really touched me and made me take a closer look at things I may or may not have said over the years.
What if connection becomes greater by keeping secrets and sharing something personal to you rather than sharing what is personal to an absent other? What if power comes from empowering others rather than dominating them? What if friendship is cemented by rescuing a friend's reputation when it may be on the line? What if the glue that holds us together is discretion, no disclosure? (p48-49)
My thoughts: This book made me take a closer look at why I feel I don't have a lot of close friends. Even as a teen, I had just a handful of girls that I would call actually friends. I grew up in a small town, where we knew everybody - but I didn't feel like I fit in well with most of them. This feeling continued in college where I still only can recall 3-4 real girlfriends. It did make me see how I could benefit from having more friends, and that I should work on these relationships. Any thing worthwhile does take time. I was surprised by how many responses I have gotten on my give away for this book from women who said that they also did not have many friends, or had trouble making friends.
December 22, 2009
In all actuality, when I first saw this book I didn't take it seriously. I tell you, by the end of, I really agreed with the author on many levels, and felt connected to the book. I learned quite a bit about my own relationships and friendships, and why us women do some of the things we do. This book opened my eyes, to try to be a better friend to everyone. Even the people with whom I'd rather not.
A very inspiring book, but only if you are female. I just don't think the men in the world would really get this book. It would probably leave them shaking their heads. Plus do we really want all our secrets getting out?! I think not.
I liked the way the book was written, and the format to which it was given. It was a very good book through and through. Another smash for my recommendation list!
A very inspiring book, but only if you are female. I just don't think the men in the world would really get this book. It would probably leave them shaking their heads. Plus do we really want all our secrets getting out?! I think not.
I liked the way the book was written, and the format to which it was given. It was a very good book through and through. Another smash for my recommendation list!
December 11, 2019
I really enjoyed this book. I stumbled upon it at a book sale a few months ago not knowing how much the author's words would encourage and comfort me just a few months later during a big transition in my life.
I would describe this book as a very well researched, thought-provoking discussion on friendship. I would call it a "discussion" simply because the author doesn't offer answers, quick fixes, or a solution to the really challenging questions we face when it comes to friendship. Normally that bothers me (when I read a book, I want to learn practical lessons), but I really appreciated not being told exactly how to be a better friend, what to look for in friends, or how to improve my friendships. It forced me to think for myself and determine what I believe about friendship, expectations in friendships, what marks a "soul-friendship", and most importantly, what the Bible says about friendship. I learned so much through the author's stories and insights. So grateful for this book. I definitely recommend it.
I would describe this book as a very well researched, thought-provoking discussion on friendship. I would call it a "discussion" simply because the author doesn't offer answers, quick fixes, or a solution to the really challenging questions we face when it comes to friendship. Normally that bothers me (when I read a book, I want to learn practical lessons), but I really appreciated not being told exactly how to be a better friend, what to look for in friends, or how to improve my friendships. It forced me to think for myself and determine what I believe about friendship, expectations in friendships, what marks a "soul-friendship", and most importantly, what the Bible says about friendship. I learned so much through the author's stories and insights. So grateful for this book. I definitely recommend it.
June 16, 2021
In The Friends We Keep, Sarah Zacharias Davis explores the nature of friendship, particularly among women. In this practical guide, the author asks pointed questions: What do we long for women friends? What cause cattiness, competition, and co-dependency in our friendships? What do some friendship last forever and others only a season? When is it time to let a friend go, and how do we do it? How do we cultivate a nurturing circle of friends? This book, which charts one woman’s quest for the soul of friendship, is well-documented with case studies, research notes, and a handy discussion guide.
June 10, 2024
We women know how important our friendships are with other women. This book takes an indepth look at the author's experience and discoveries in her close friendships, and the pain of letting some friendships go, or being hurt by a friendship that slips away and you don't know why. This is a book of enlightenment in the ways of women's feelings and stumbling blocks in our friendships with our female friends
November 12, 2012
In her book, The Friends We Keep, Sarah Zacharias Davis expresses the complex nature of female friendships. This book is an inside look at the varying degrees of friendship and how they all blend together to shape us into the women we’ve become.
Sarah Zacharias Davis references books, plays and movies that capture the depths of friendship. Using many great examples, she writes about the ups and downs that all relationships face. She confront the necessity of betrayal and the conflicts that pull a friendship together and make it stronger than it was.
Again, using wonderful parallels from literature, Sarah lays out the different faces and dimensions of friendship. She addresses the importance of trust in a relationship and the value of respecting the secrets of friendship.
Sarah gives wonderful wisdom on how to be a true friend, not by control and domination, but by quiet questioning and gently holding up a mirror of self examination.
She tackles the sticky subject of forgiveness and I love what she says:
“We forgive because, if all relationships bear a betrayal of some kind, then eventually we, too, will be in need of forgiveness.”
Sarah covers the stages and phases of friendship that travel the length of our lives through awkward self-discover to the forming of who we are and what we will become. It’s the truly special friendship that ride the waves with us.
Readers will learn about soul friendships defined as ” . . .full disclosure, confession, sharing deep wounds and slow healing . . .”
This section is, to me, the most poignant and beautiful description of love.
The Friends We Keep discusses all forms of friendship from seasonal friendship, soul friendship, unplanned friendship and distanced friendship. Friendship is lined up against fictional references, movie references and biblical imagery.
The Friends We Keep is beautifully written. Even the cover is beautiful.
This book would make a wonderful gift for a friend. It contains a detailed discussion guide at the back of the book that leads readers to dig even deeper into the ideas and nature of friendship.
Sarah Zacharias Davis references books, plays and movies that capture the depths of friendship. Using many great examples, she writes about the ups and downs that all relationships face. She confront the necessity of betrayal and the conflicts that pull a friendship together and make it stronger than it was.
Again, using wonderful parallels from literature, Sarah lays out the different faces and dimensions of friendship. She addresses the importance of trust in a relationship and the value of respecting the secrets of friendship.
Sarah gives wonderful wisdom on how to be a true friend, not by control and domination, but by quiet questioning and gently holding up a mirror of self examination.
She tackles the sticky subject of forgiveness and I love what she says:
“We forgive because, if all relationships bear a betrayal of some kind, then eventually we, too, will be in need of forgiveness.”
Sarah covers the stages and phases of friendship that travel the length of our lives through awkward self-discover to the forming of who we are and what we will become. It’s the truly special friendship that ride the waves with us.
Readers will learn about soul friendships defined as ” . . .full disclosure, confession, sharing deep wounds and slow healing . . .”
This section is, to me, the most poignant and beautiful description of love.
The Friends We Keep discusses all forms of friendship from seasonal friendship, soul friendship, unplanned friendship and distanced friendship. Friendship is lined up against fictional references, movie references and biblical imagery.
The Friends We Keep is beautifully written. Even the cover is beautiful.
This book would make a wonderful gift for a friend. It contains a detailed discussion guide at the back of the book that leads readers to dig even deeper into the ideas and nature of friendship.
June 30, 2013
I wonder if I had the abridged version... it felt very short and ended abruptly. But, a lot of audio books feel awkward because (at least, with nonfiction) you don't have a preview of what what the chapters will be covering, and you can't see the end approaching and prepare for that. So when it ended I thought my mp3 player had died.
There are a lot of good points in here, though I'm not sure I absorbed it all that well. Since it's so short I may just check out the book or listen to it again. It is always encouraging to hear of another woman's struggles with friendships. Despite having 5 of the very best girlfriends a girl could want, I have struggled a long way to get here with this handful of close friends. I've been lied to, lied about, used, had husbands (theirs not mine) throw tantrums when we came home late (like, 10 pm?) and that same husband give me the cold treatment every time I was around (that friendship did not last), been left out, been included but not felt included, dealt with the jealousy issue (mine and theirs) and all around not handled some friendships very well. Some ended poorly, some I had to nearly kill (the friendship, not the friend lol!) to get the girl to leave me alone, and all in all had a hell of a time coming to the point where I am now... which is pretty good. I try hard to maintain and nurture but could do a better job. And juggling five very different female friends can be a struggle. But it is so worth it! All of this to say, I know the struggle friendships can be to keep, find, maintain, nurture, and heal. There aren't enough books out there examining women's friendships on a deep and real level so I appreciate this book and what it offers. But I do think it's better to perhaps read this one, instead of listening to it.
There are a lot of good points in here, though I'm not sure I absorbed it all that well. Since it's so short I may just check out the book or listen to it again. It is always encouraging to hear of another woman's struggles with friendships. Despite having 5 of the very best girlfriends a girl could want, I have struggled a long way to get here with this handful of close friends. I've been lied to, lied about, used, had husbands (theirs not mine) throw tantrums when we came home late (like, 10 pm?) and that same husband give me the cold treatment every time I was around (that friendship did not last), been left out, been included but not felt included, dealt with the jealousy issue (mine and theirs) and all around not handled some friendships very well. Some ended poorly, some I had to nearly kill (the friendship, not the friend lol!) to get the girl to leave me alone, and all in all had a hell of a time coming to the point where I am now... which is pretty good. I try hard to maintain and nurture but could do a better job. And juggling five very different female friends can be a struggle. But it is so worth it! All of this to say, I know the struggle friendships can be to keep, find, maintain, nurture, and heal. There aren't enough books out there examining women's friendships on a deep and real level so I appreciate this book and what it offers. But I do think it's better to perhaps read this one, instead of listening to it.
October 7, 2015
I underlined points through the book. Felt moved to share this book with my younger sisters. Empathized with many of her examples, which left me feeling "normal." The scripture she used was well researched, and I appreciate her not adding an extra 5 pages of "let me lead you to Jesus." She stuck to her thesis. I was particularly fascinated by the research about increased female backstabbing in the work place in the decade preceding publish date -a destructive fact that has left myself & my peers happier working from home. While I always tried to be a mentor, as well as mentored by my more experienced peers, it only takes one or two jealous, vicious, petty vampires to turn a job you love into living hell. I'd especially recommend this book to all 20-something young women.
August 14, 2009
The Friends We Keep by Sarah Zacharias Davis is a fascinating look at the friendships women carry with them throughout their lives and a glimpse into why they are so important. Davis' book is a warm-hearted and enjoyable read that delves into questions about exactly what creates and maintains a friendship. Why are some friends with us for life and others only for a season? What purpose does friendship serve? She uses movies, books, and anthropology to explain what friendship looks like and how it changes from childhood to adulthood. The book is filled with poignant and beautiful stories about friendship and how it changes us. It's a book to enjoy and then share with your best friend!
February 4, 2010
This is a thoughtful book about the friendships of women...at all ages, for any and all reasons. Favorite chapters are The Spaces Between Us and Companions Along the Journey. I've lost some friends over the past 2 years, regained two in a great, much deeper way. These chapters ask all the questions I did when these friendships were slipping through my fingers...maybe it was simply time to let go. I wish I had read this book sooner but it is wonderful to year and Sarah Zacharias Davis is a wonderful writer.
February 5, 2015
This book is about female friendships. Why we make them, why we keep and how we lose them. In this book, Ms Zacharis explores some of the pain, joys and difficulties of female friendships. As much as we love and need our friends, sometimes we can't stand them. Why is that? This book was both joyful and difficult to read because while I enjoyed the author's take on the whole issue, I felt some pain because it caused me examine what kind of a friend I am. I really enjoyed this book because it.
June 10, 2012
I really enjoyed it! I have a group of friends that I have been friends with for decades! One from 7 yrs. old, and 4 since 12 yrs. old. I'm going to recommend they all read it and then we can go over the discussion questions. I think it should be read by anyone who is a friend. There were many things that were mentioned in the book I could relate to. I'm going to suggest it to teachers, Girl Scout leaders and other people in leadership roles. Wonderful! Wonderful!!
November 1, 2012
I guess I was hoping that the author would have her father's profound insight and conclusiveness on an interpersonal subject. Perhaps it was my own state of mind during this time period, but it reads similarly to the way I think: a set of vignettes related to one subject without a conclusion. While many of the observations ring true to my own experience, I was looking for a uniting thread or a biblical foundation or a conclusion that simply isn't here. I doubt I'll revisit this book.
February 9, 2014
I thought Davis had a few interesting things to say, but seemed to me to raise more questions than answers. I really liked the first chapter, but after that, the book went downhill and I didn't even finish the last chapter. I'm not sure what I was expecting from this book, but whatever it was went unmet. There wasn't actually a quest involved, or a process for searching out a Soul Friend, just talk about how sometimes you need to let friends go.
November 24, 2009
This book was a interesting look at friendship in particular related to Christian women. The author does a good job of covering various aspects of friendship in each chapter - even a chapter on being your own self-friend and why that's important. Overall, a more in-depth look at Christian friendship and why it's important.
May 8, 2015
This book was a very good read. It had many questions and even has you asking your own. It's not a 'here's how you fix it' book as it gives you perspective, incite. Makes you ask the hard questions and answer honestly. This is a book Id keep by my bed. Friendship isn't easy, neither is gardening, but it is worth it!
October 24, 2009
This author disappointed me. Too many references to movie characters in the first chapter. Then an evolutionistic type story shared in the second chapter. Where is the Bible in this? I can't read any more. This book wasn't for me.
July 19, 2014
live authentically, journey with friends, have a friend be a friend, book Saving Graces, ying yang of relationships, ole chap, connection community, junior high behaviors, forgive because forgiven, see God in others and self.
June 2, 2009
Thoughtful and full of relevant comparisons. I wished it were more of a do's and dont's kind of book, but none the less, it made me take a long look in the mirror.
Worth reading.
Worth reading.
October 24, 2009
A very interesting read, gave me a lot of insight into how friendships begin, grow, and fade over different seasons of life.
November 5, 2009
way more christian than I can enjoy . . . some good points, glad it was short.
December 17, 2010
it changed my outlook on friendship and the bond that women share. I will never look at life the same way since I've enconntered this book
February 12, 2011
Not as good of a book as I was hoping. Had a few good points but nothing new added to the other non-fiction friendship books I have read.
December 3, 2013
It was so-so. I'm not a feminist. Maybe would have like it better if I were. Disappointed.
August 2, 2016
Didn't finish. Not what I was hoping for.
April 10, 2014
Thought provoking as I find myself with many dear friends who all live a significant distance away. Helped me identify what I value in friendship in ways I hadn't before.
January 19, 2016
straight forward. meh
February 4, 2016
Book was ok. The two chapters I got something out of was chapter 12 and 13. Aside from that, I just felt the book went all over the place.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews