Dateable: Are They- Are You

by Justin Lookadoo

Passion. It's the fuel for success, for dreams, for life. But too many teens focus their energy and passion on the wrong thing-the wrong person. Dateable pulls no punches in telling teens the truth about dating while also directing their passion toward a greater purpose in life. Teen relationships seldom last, the authors point out, so why should teens invest so much of themselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually? The answer? They shouldn't. Instead, they can protect their hearts, live with excitement, and enjoy relationships in a way that enhances rather than detracts from those they'll have in the future. With Justin and Hayley ''telling it like it is,'' teens will learn how to be dateable and how to evaluate the dateability of their latest crush. And they'll get some much-needed perspective on sex, his/her communication, clothes, God-even ''chick flicks.'' Dateable also includes sidebars, quizzes, callouts, and more.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Relationships, Christian Living, Faith, Religion

160 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2002

Reviews

[Kelly Smith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Less than one star. This book makes me so angry I shake just thinking about it. It is so sexist! The book is basically written in a way meant to control women and keep them in their place. It makes me very sad that young girls read this and think they need to change themselves in order for boys to like them. They are fine how they are! Guess what? This is my score on the Dateable test haha:


The mystery is gone. You’ve probably told him everything about you so why would he want to see you again? But it’s not too late. Start talking less and listening more. Let him bring up things to talk about. Ask him questions about him. Stop talking about yourself so much. There is plenty of time for him to get to know you. Practice thinking about him and take your eyes off yourself so much.

WRONG. I've been in a loving relationship for two years now, and I have never had much trouble with boys. I can talk however much I want to and if he deserves me, he will listen and love me anyway. And the whole thing with mystery disgusts me. I will be myself. I will say and do as I want, I am not going to put on an act or closely monitor myself to get a man. What happens if you follow these rules and get married? Is the guy going to go into shock because you aren't the timid, "perfect lady" he thought? Ugh! And the fact that it uses religion as a reason to promote sexism is horrible.

Ok, now the man's test? Instead of being based on how attractive they are to girls (because the girl test is based on the authors' ideas of what makes a girl attractive), the boy test is based on how far you will go! It is based on sex! Like a girl needs to worry about a boy's opinion of her, but a boy simply needs to pay attention to his self-control? ugh! The implications of that are so offensive.Here are some other deeply disturbing ACTUAL QUOTES!:
QUOTES FROM THE GIRL RULES

"You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman."

Stereotype. I am also tough and brave, care to mention that?

"Your outlook on life, your happiness factor. Dateable girls aren’t downers, they love life."

Girls with depression, girls who are upset or sad= undateable? no. If they can't handle your lows, they don't need to be around when things are great.

"Dateable girls know that when they fight other girls they look stupid and catty, and guys don’t like it any more than God does."

I am not weak and if it is for a good cause I will stand up against other girls or boys. Ok, and really? Girls who fight are stupid and catty but boys are strong and wild??!!

"Be mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up."

I almost can't believe it actually says this but it does. No. Be yourself girls. Do not change. Do not focus on how you seem to him. Be yourself! And do not let this stupid book silence you.

"Dateable girls know that confidence is hot. And the cool part is that no one knows if you are confident but you. Confidence isn’t how you feel, it’s how you act."

Again it's girls act this way to get a man! Why is this the message? Confidence is great, sure, but do not let people tell you how to act. Especially with the sole purpose of being "dateable."

"Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!"

I refuse to pretend to be weak just to give him an ego boost from feeling strong. If I need help, that's fine and dandy, but I refuse to fake weakness.

"Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent."

Nope. You do not need a man. And btw, I always loved the song Miss Independent ;)

QUOTES FROM THE BOY RULES

"Being a guy is good. Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys."

STEREOTYPE!!!!! I know PLENTY of WONDERFUL men that are sensitive, are weak, and love staying at home to play games or be artistic. Not every guy is going to be a jock who loves the great outdoors and it is harmful to spread this kind of stereotype. Being a guy is not defined by these characteristics!

"Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed."

And what exactly are the rules of the opposite sex? oh yeah! To shut up, be gentle, and basically stay in our place, right? Ugh! I am a strong woman and I refuse to be tamed. Women can do those things too, especially stand up for the oppressed!

"They know that girls read into things"

In my personal experience, that goes both ways! I smile and say hi and next thing I know, some guy thinks I want to go out with him.

"They keep women covered up"

If nothing else disturbs you, THIS SHOULD! I seriously cannot believe I am actually seeing this!

Why are all the girls rules about changing to be more sexy and subtle while all the boy rules are about strength, and adventures etc.? This book is sickening, deeply offensive, and stereotypical. Please do not read it, but if you do, do not fall for the crap it tells you. Ladies, be yourselves, do not dilute your personality or strengths for some boy. And men, be yourselves. Do not expect your girl to always be a damsel in distress. You should be with her because you love her, not because you like how she makes you feel about yourself.
I could keep going, but I'll leave it at that. :)

[Erika Andrews · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had no idea from the cover or description that this book would be religious at all, and I felt that the authors shoved their ideas down my throat. I finished it to be fair, but throughout the book the authors provided sweeping generalizations about men and women that I felt had nothing to do with me or most people I know. That said, it seemed like fair advice to a more religious, anti-feminist audience.

[Adrienne · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is terrible! I mean telling young girls that no relationship they have with a guy is going to last is awful! You should be teaching girls to love and follow Christ and wait for a guy that God wants in their life and one that is right for their life. Not all guys are kind and nice because they want to get physical. Yes many non believer guys are that way but not all of them especially not all men of God. Some guys are kind and nice because they think highly of you and they love and honor God so they love and honor you as well. I dont think it's appropriate to tell girls that the guy they like should value his friends more because the relationship "wont work out anyways". Thats really low! Tell them that friends are important and unless he's just having rude awful behavior that he's a guy and guys act crazy sometimes that it's okay and she should let him be himself. Telling her that the relationship is going to end anyways is setting her up for failure and low expectations. No wonder girls have such low self esteem. I felt like this book was telling girls that guys only want physical, girls want emotions and nothing really works out in the end. I threw the book away.

[Shanna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I rated this one star when I *was* a christian. It's that bad.

[LilyCat · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'd say 30-50% of the book is useful advice, like that you shouldn't expect a teen relationship to last, don't date someone who lies/cheats, and friendships are more important than dating. At first, I thought it would be a decent book.

The other 50-70% is a lot more objectionable- plenty of sexism, cringey bro talk, and calling girls skanks. Also this quote

"This whole women's lib thing has less to do with women getting rights and more about men becoming pansies."

There's so much wrong here I'll just let you figure it out.

1) Female Stereotypes
A whole section is devoted to telling girls they can't talk about themselves to stay "mysterious," going on and on about how girls are naive and desperate for attention. It makes plenty of generalizations like "GIRLS do X" instead of the more true "SOME girls do X." Keep in mind this is 50% of the population. They're not all the same.

The "I can call him" lie is also subtle. [...] "He likes me, but I am going to have to make the first move. It's okay. What do I have to lose?" (The answer is "his respect" but you don't want to believe that.)

BTW girls? A good guy will respect you for being gutsy.

The book provides the above gem and many more, since girls "should be pursued." It says a pursuing girl will always, ALWAYS screw up a relationship by being overly pursuing and needy. This phenomenon, also known as THIRST, is coed. Believe me, I know. Even worse, it says girls must let guys take charge in the relationship since "God made men to be leaders" or some BS like that.

(Ignoring, conveniently, plenty of women in the Bible such as Deborah and Ja'el, along with later Christians like Joan of Arc who followed God without having to be ordered around by a man. Deborah helped lead a freaking army because the guy who was supposed to was too chicken to do it by himself.)

Even more annoying, it creates plenty of overt double standards under the premises of "God wanted it that way." Even though there's hardly any Bible passages provided.



2) Male Stereotypes/ "Be a Man"

Talk trash. Make fun of each other. Be rude. Be obnoxious. Slam each other. These are the point makers of the male species.

These are the guys in this book:

Or


One of the chapters is literally called "Guys Will Lie To You To Get What They Want." Again, this is true of SOME but NOT ALL boys.

And the guys who are not players? Just in the grasp of raging hormones, willing to sleep with anyone/anything. It's a real insult to treat boys like they're too degraded to have conscious control over their urges, and even worse, leads to the argument defending boys who sexually assaulted someone because "they couldn't help it."

In other sections aimed at boys, the authors tell boys to "man up" and just do stereotypically male things. Be adventurous! Climb things! Bang rocks together!

Even worse, it warns guys not to treat girls TOO well or they'll look "whipped" and be mocked mercilessly. First, this is a cleaned up version of the term p***y whipped, which does NOT belong in a Christian book. Second, it goes off the assumption that to "be a man" you must always be the boss, and if your girlfriend gets even equal control, that you have surrendered your very masculinity.


3) Immodesty= An excuse to be a perv

If you dress like a piece of meat, you're gonna get thrown on the BBQ.

You can't look that sexy and then tell us to be on our best behavior.

If a girl wears something low cut or revealing, there will almost always be some perv ogling her. Unfortunately, the book treats immodesty as a sin deserving all the pervertedness and grossness that follows. Just because you wear a low cut shirt doesn't mean it's cool if someone gropes you etc. It may be more likely but it's DEFINITELY NOT OKAY.

Quote #2 is even worse. I could understand a guy ogling a girl wearing short/tight clothes, but what this quote implies is any time a girl wears sexy clothes, it's physically impossible for guys to not, you know, grope her or molest her. Taken just a little farther, it seems to be the age-old attack on rape victims: "Well of course it happened to you, you were wearing a short skirt. What did you expect?"

TL:DR Version:

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

A Christmas present from my aunt. There appears to be a paradigm shift in the type of books she will be giving myself and my cousins in the foreseeable future.

Core values preached in the book are Christian-approved, advocating abstinence and purity. The contents of the book is filled with mostly common sense stuff about dating and particularly useful for hormonal teenagers between ages 13 and 18, who briefly lack aforementioned common sense. I actually do kind of wish I'd read this when I was 15 when the stupid reaaaally kicked in. Then again, I probably wouldn't have listened. It's the kind of advice good Christian aunts and parents give that you've definitely heard before.

In my opinion, it's useful in the sense that, taken with a grain of salt, these are emotional faux pas 99.9% of teenage girls in the developing/developed world commit before one of two things happen: A) She becomes aware of what works and what doesn't via experience or observation (observation is much less painful) and modifies her approach, or B) She continues down the same trajectory and has less than average luck even getting a date.

That said, there are some quotes that I just can't get on the same page with.

Exhibit A:
The guy is in charge of the relationship.

I call bullshit. And then there's,

Laughter trick. Fake it.

Okay honestly, who hasn't been in a situation where fake-laughing is the only polite thing to do, but fake-laughing is still fake and people can tell. If you're going to set readers up like that, at least give them something to work with. Tell them to chuckle mildly, and then build up to sincere laughter when something is genuinely funny, or if that feels fake too, big smile (with teeth) and breath out sharply, works just as well as laughter.

But I think the one that takes the cake is

Rule of Replacement:... You gotta have one to get one. If you have a girl, you can always get another. You simply become the perfect boyfriend to the one you've got and it won't be long until you can upgrade to the next.

What. The. Buck. If you spend the last 83 pages preaching to girls how they deserve respect (power to the woman!), it's a bit weird to refer to a girlfriend in the same language as people would an iPhone. "Upgrade" pisses me off so much that if I'd read the whole damn thing chronologically, I definitely wouldn't have finished it. It's stuff like this that would've put me off reading it at 15. You know, other than the fact that it's a "dating-for-dummies" book, I would've been 15 and known everything I needed to know already, like duh...

** If you're reading this review, I don't know how you found this but thank you, Aunty! Loved the book!! *laughs*

[Kasey · Rating 1 out of 5]

Possibly the most sexist book I've ever read. So bad it comes across as satire. Example: "Don't tickle each other. It gets the juices flowing, the hormones raging, and leads to sex!"

BEWARE tickling (and this book).

[Olivia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was recently reminded of this book when I saw it in the "free" bin outside a bookstore. Y'all want to talk about the evils of "purity" culture? This book was how it was presented to me. I had to read this drivel with my youth group for a class at a former church. To this day, I remember that class with horror and disgust.

This was the most sexist book I ever had to read. Even when I was 15, I was horrified by this book, especially the many comparisons of women's bodies to meat. The shaming messages toward women in this book were not only demoralizing and harmful, but they were also terribly written and just plain gross. Even with it being published within the death grip of purity culture in the 90s and early 2000s, I'm surprised that this book didn't get at least a smidgen more edited than it was.

I could go on for days about how damaging this book was to me personally as an impressionable and shy young woman, not to mention the disturbing way that it talks to young men as if they were animals. Yet these same "animals" with nearly uncontrollable urges (as this book tells it) are supposed to single-handedly make all the decisions in a relationship? A temporary dating relationship between immature teenagers whose brains aren't even fully developed? I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm so glad I remembered this book so that I could write the most scathing review I've ever bothered to hash out. I would give this negative stars if I could. Recycle this book because it is straight-up trash.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good advice about dating, some sexist. My daughter is reading it with her church group so I wanted to see what was what. I like the emphasis on young women spending time developing their talents/gifts while they are young and unencumbered and not mooning about/obsessing over boys since these relationships are so fleeting anyway. However number one, there should be some sensitivity to the fact that it doesn't FEEL fleeting, and, they do portray young men quite negatively and to the point my 13 year old all but asked 'really none of them are nice?' That's not right.Any overgeneralization of one gender never sits well with me. Some good take away advice, some plugs for modest dressing, but in the end a book never takes the place of some good old fashioned advice from Mom that elicits much eye rolling from the target teen :)

[Melanie Fair · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ugh. This is why people hate Christians and Christian writing. This book had the biggest agenda I've ever seen. I thought I'd learn something new about dating, but no, it was just preaching abstinence. And the actual good advice was obscured by this psuedo-tough-love writing style. Which makes it seem even more preachy.
And the doodles on all the pages? Not cute, just distracting and annoying.
Propaganda!!!

[Allison · Rating 1 out of 5]

psychopathic propaganda written to indoctrinate children into a cult of christianity by preying on adolescent insecurities around dating & sex,, thanks mom

hilariously deranged in hindsight, all in all a pretty good hate read

[Annika · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I appreciate most about this book is the male author's keepin-it-real attitude throughout. Some of it is "in your face", but it needs to be said. Too many books aimed at young ladies are written BY females who either forgot, don't get it, aren't realistic, or just need an extra (male) voice to back them up. Husband/Wife teams sometimes have me shaking my head, sometimes they don't seem like they "get it", and they'd rather just back each other up, instead of possibly, maybe, admitting that there are DIFFERENT ways to say the SAME message.

I take this book at face value, meaning, I'm not going real deep with it. It has quizzes (ala Girl Magazines) and cutesy little journaly sketches that try to give it a free, sketchy feel. It comes off as distracting. I'm not throwing this book at every teenage girl, or guy, and saying OH THIS IS THE BEST because I like books like this WITH other books. I like this book, that encourages healthy dating, to be taking with "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", which absolutely discourages dating. I like this book, from a male voice, telling girls to STOP planning their "dream man" and stop making "shopping lists for what they want their husband to be", whereas Dannah Gresh's "THe BRide Wore White" encourages just that. I use all of these books, again, the SAME message with a different approach, and get what each author is saying.

For instance, some girls can handle carefree, healthy dating. Some girls aren't going to get emotionally attached if they ARE grounded in their values and their own relationships with God, and with their families and friends. And yet, some girls are better off being WITH friends, meeting a guy and hanging out with the comfort and freedom of having groups around instead of the pressure of being alone with that guy.

What works in this book is the author's voice. What works is his speaking directly TO girls about their attitudes, their appearance, their emotional baggage on guys, their games. He does keep it real. Some things in this book are a surprise for me to read, but I like it.

Again, if you pick up this book as the be-all, end-all of dating books, the Bible of Dating, then you will find yourself disappointed, full of questions, a bit put off by the preachiness of it. If you take it with some other heavy doses of dating theories, it's a nice perspective.

[Maura · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had to DNF this one. I started reading portions of it to see if I wanted to actually read the entirety of it. I got about 50% through, skimming and scanning and reading some sections and realized that this was extremely offensive to women. Christian or not, this book tells adolescent girls to change who they are to become soft, gentle and modest so that guys will want to date them. Naturally, it eschews the idea that women could be bold, weird, immodest, talkative, assertive or sexually confident (even when not sexually active) and still be attractive. In fact, one passage read that highly sexual women were not attractive to men and that after the relationship ended their high sexuality would leave them feeling cheap, dirty and used. Of course, the author doesn't have much to say on the guys that are highly sexual except that they're a dime a dozen and to look out because they'll do just about anything for sex (another stereotype). I didn't read all of it, but I saw a lot of condemnation for sexuality in women, but not a whole hell of a lot for sexuality in men. The double standard just shone through - he softly encourages guys to wait, but he shames women into waiting. And of course, there's lots of talk about how the man is in control, he's in control of the relationship (bullshit!) and he has to control his baser urges (and of course on the tail of this he then tells girls not to show off their "hot little bodies" because guys get turned on...but they're in control, right?).

[Sean Goh · Rating 1 out of 5]

*Caveat: Book is aimed at clueless teens. Read it with that mindset accordingly.*

Ugh. Where do I start? The assertion that every teenage relationship will end in tears because in your teens you don't know what you want? The assumption that EVERY SINGLE GUY just wants sex and will lie and say whatever to get it? That girls are all unrealistic daydreamers who believe in the power of love to change their boyfriend into Mr Right?

There are some salvageable bits of advice: But with all advice, it's situational and not really generalisable.

_____
Don't get your family deeply involved in your relationships (unless you're moving towards marriage. Breaking up with an entire family is hard.

Good character and bad character can't be friends. When you improve yourself, your friends may question you and try to bring you back down. Either try to bring them along for the upward ride, or gracefully move on.

Confidence comes from dissociating your successes and failures from your self-identity, and seeing them as just events.

[Bryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lookado has some good ideas but next time he needs to back it up with scripture. As it stands Dateable is just some dating advice and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone without building their own conclusions based on scripture. There are good points but nothing revolutionary.


instead of reading this i would recommend
wild at heart or
sex God

[Anthony Quattrochi · Rating 1 out of 5]

Shockingly awful. I was so astounded by the content of this book. I am a teenage guy, so this book is pretty much geared toward someone my age but it is basically some strange religious and sexist propaganda. The book basically told women to stay in their place and had so much overt Christianity, I did NOT pick up on this from the title or the back page and I guess I should have investigated it more deeply before buying it. If I had a daughter I would be ashamed to let her read this book which makes her think thats how she should behave. Do NOT recommend this at all

[Ellen · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's an okay book. It's good for girls who believe they need a man to survive.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fresh approach to adolescent sexuality. We just used it as the basis for a book study with our youth at church.

[Sara B Nutt · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this with one of my high school girls in the youth group...It's for teenagers but the principles work for all ages.

[Cayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good. I highly reccomend it. Everything in it has proved to be true, and it gives you an inside look on dating and the opposite sex. Shows exactly how to be "Dateable"
Very very good.

[A. · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am engaged to be married, so I think I can pass this book.

[Lindsey Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

The points made were usually pretty good, but the attitude was a little too hip for me. I felt like...come on, talk to me like an adult...which doesn't really make sense for the book because I think it was written towards the teen audience, not the twenty-something audience.

The chapter for girls called "shut up and be mysterious" proved to be of interest to me, though. I felt like I took some things away from that that I can remember when the situation calls for it.

It was a quick read...might have taken me 45 minutes. I floated on a giant rubber tube in my swimming pool in the back yard while I read it. It doesn't require a ton of concentration to read because it's so straightfoward. The little illustrations on every other page help too :)

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a book written by two Christians, one male and one female, on how to be dateable, hence the title. It gives very helpful insights into the teenage psyche when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex.

Since the authors are Christian, what they said follow my standards almost exactly, and they have a sense of humor, too, so it was fun to read. I only wish that I had this book back when I was fifteen and really needed it! I do recommend it to any other 15-year-old, male or female. It will make your life easier!

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book for my teen daughter and pre-read it before giving it to her. This book had everything I wish I had known before I started dating! I could not have been happier with it. It is has a hip style and layout and was an easy and interesting read. I discussed each chapter with my daughter after she read them. She also agreed that it was an informative book and even thought about passing it on to one of her friends who was having more issues with dating.

[Chelsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book made me NOT want to date anyone. I think the people who wrote this book we're saying that they were right all the time about certain things that they didn't give you everything you wanted to know.
I don't know though. I don't really date. Haven't been asked so maybe it'll make more sense when I start to date.

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is written from a guy/girl point of view and deals with relationships between teenagers and how the opposite sex view each other. Great book to leave in the bathroom for your teenager to read--definitely written on their level with practical advice for all kinds of teen dating situations.

[jessi · Rating 1 out of 5]

Youth pastors, stop recommending this to your youth groups.

[Emma Litvan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I approached this book expecting a powerful Christian perspective on dating, one that would provide meaningful guidance and insight. While parts of it offered valuable lessons on dating as a Christian, much of the content was deeply disappointing and, at times, outright troubling. The book’s viewpoints were not only hard to read but also fundamentally flawed, presenting sweeping generalizations and harmful stereotypes.

For instance, it suggests that all men perform kind acts only for selfish “payoffs,” that dressing like others will make women less desirable to men, and that all boys lie to manipulate girls. Most disturbingly, it claims the most dangerous type of teenage boy is one who genuinely believes in the longevity of his relationship.

Additionally, the book’s commentary on the female body was offensive and objectifying. For example, it advises women to wear clothes that “work with what you’ve got” but warns that dressing “too tight, too short, or too low-cut” renders a woman “no longer a person to get to know but an object to use.” This language is both demeaning and deeply problematic, perpetuating harmful ideas about modesty and self-worth.

Equally troubling is the repeated advice for women to “shut up and be mysterious” to attract men. The authors frequently claim that women talk too much and should instead focus on being quiet and enigmatic to gain male approval. This sentiment is not only condescending but also diminishes the value of women’s voices.

I was profoundly disappointed by this book. Rather than offering a compassionate, Christ-centered perspective on dating, it perpetuates harmful stereotypes, undermines the dignity of both men and women, and strays far from the principles of love and respect that should define Christian relationships.

[Mayci · Rating 2 out of 5]

kinda a downer

[Christina Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very well written perspectives from both the male and female side. A great way to learn more about what the opposite sex is thinking and why things can get confusing. This book also brings a great perspective from the Bible without being judgmental or condemning. Tips are very applicable and its required reading before dating at my home.