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Accidentally on Purpose: A One-night Stand, My Unplanned Pregnancy, and Loving the Best Mistake I Ever Made
ON A ONE-NIGHT STAND MY UNPLANNED PREGNANCY AND LOVING THE BEST MISTAKE I EV (map)
288 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2008
19 people are currently reading
625 people want to read
About the author
Mary F. Pols
1 book10 followersMary Pols is the author of “Accidentally on Purpose: The True Tale of a Happy Single Mother,” originally published in June 2008 by Ecco/Harper Collins, now available in paperback from Harper Perennial. A native of Maine, Pols has spent most of her professional life as a journalist in California.
She reviews film for Time.com and MSN.Movies. For many years, she was the movie critic for the Contra Costa Times, and her reviews could be found in the San Jose Mercury News and the Oakland Tribune. Pols has written for Time Magazine, The New York Times, Self, Wondertime, MoreIntelligentLife.com, Glamour.com, the Times of London, Red Magazine and Grazia. Her memoir was optioned by BermanBraun and has been developed for a television series by CBS, airing now on Monday nights at 8:30, right after “How I Met Your Mother.”
Prior to becoming a movie critic she worked as a news reporter for the Los Angeles Times, Seattle Times and Los Angeles Daily News. Her journalism awards include a first place prize from the ASNE, the American Society of Newspaper Editors, for column writing. The highlight of her news writing career was traveling to Ireland to write about the Northern Ireland Peace agreement. Having grandparents named Dolan, Duffy and Sinnott probably had something to do with her fascination with the subject.
A graduate of Duke University (with a BA in art history) and the UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism, Pols was a Knight Fellow at Stanford in 2005-2006. She has taught movie criticism at UC Berkeley.
The youngest of six children, Pols grew up with a philosophy professor for a father and a mother who put more energy into her studies of art history than 20 of her fellow students at Bowdoin College combined. Edward Pols gave his daughter C.S. Lewis and Edith Wharton while Eileen Pols gave her Pauline Kael and tours of seemingly every church and museum from Florence to Connemara.
Pols lives in Northern California with her son Dolan and Androscoggin the Maine Coon Cat. Matt lives close by. She’s working on her next book, a novel.
She reviews film for Time.com and MSN.Movies. For many years, she was the movie critic for the Contra Costa Times, and her reviews could be found in the San Jose Mercury News and the Oakland Tribune. Pols has written for Time Magazine, The New York Times, Self, Wondertime, MoreIntelligentLife.com, Glamour.com, the Times of London, Red Magazine and Grazia. Her memoir was optioned by BermanBraun and has been developed for a television series by CBS, airing now on Monday nights at 8:30, right after “How I Met Your Mother.”
Prior to becoming a movie critic she worked as a news reporter for the Los Angeles Times, Seattle Times and Los Angeles Daily News. Her journalism awards include a first place prize from the ASNE, the American Society of Newspaper Editors, for column writing. The highlight of her news writing career was traveling to Ireland to write about the Northern Ireland Peace agreement. Having grandparents named Dolan, Duffy and Sinnott probably had something to do with her fascination with the subject.
A graduate of Duke University (with a BA in art history) and the UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism, Pols was a Knight Fellow at Stanford in 2005-2006. She has taught movie criticism at UC Berkeley.
The youngest of six children, Pols grew up with a philosophy professor for a father and a mother who put more energy into her studies of art history than 20 of her fellow students at Bowdoin College combined. Edward Pols gave his daughter C.S. Lewis and Edith Wharton while Eileen Pols gave her Pauline Kael and tours of seemingly every church and museum from Florence to Connemara.
Pols lives in Northern California with her son Dolan and Androscoggin the Maine Coon Cat. Matt lives close by. She’s working on her next book, a novel.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
November 17, 2010
a memoir about a 39-year-old single movie critic for a bay area weekly who finds herself pregnant after a one-night stand with a cute 29-year-old at the bar. not really her fault, turns out the dude just decided not to use a condom after she asked him to get one.
she worries that this may be her last chance to become a mother (short of adopting, which is always an option). she'd kind of been holding out for the whole loving husband-planned children scenario, but the biological clock is ticking & she can't really bring herself to contemplate having an abortion if it means throwing away her potential last opportunity to give birth. so she decides to make a go of the single parenting thing. she calls the baby-daddy, matt, & breaks the news to him, offering him the chance to be as involved in the baby's life as he wishes. it turns out that he is very interested in being involved in the baby's life. his own parents divorced when he was five years old, & he thinks it's important for a child to know both parents. but that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with the author.
the next third of the book is all about the pregnancy--mostly just stories about how much the author is puking. she & matt continue to hook up on occasion, though he seems to be pretty firm on the topic of not wanting to pursue a relationship. he lives in a hovel of a shared house with a bunch of other man-children, he's feckless about employment opportunities, he has no money whatsoever...he just wants a relationship with the baby. the author finds a local single mom support group, & they encourage her to avoid putting matt's name on the birth certificate in case things go sour down the road & he tries to sue her for visitation rights. as much as she is providing him a chance to be involved, she's definitely considering herself the primary custodian. which is fair, i think.
not that she is so great with money either. she's 39 with a baby on the way, but she is still living paycheck to paycheck. she doesn't even have enough savings to put down a security deposit on a larger apartment, let alone cover the cost of day care & all those other baby expenses. which kind of blows my mind. i'm only 31, but i make less than half as much money as this lady & i put a percentage of it into savings every single month. it's not a huge nest egg, but it's more than enough for a security deposit on a new apartment, or even a pretty nice used car. i had to teach myself fiscal responsibility because lord knows it's a foreign concept to my parents, but it's IMPORTANT. especially when you are thinking about bringing a child into the picture. i really do not understand people who claim that they can't eke any savings out of their incomes. what the hell are these people spending their money on?
anyway, because she's broke as a joke, she moves into a friend's backyard trailer home for a month or two while she scrapes together the funds for a new apartment. she has little spats with matt over the little annoying things he does that indicate to the author that he's not taking enough of an interest in the pregnancy. for example, she recommended that he check out a website to keep up with each new week of fetal development, & he declines, saying he already has enough baby books to look at. she gets really mad because she thinks the website is interesting & interprets his disinterest as disinterest in the baby. i see where she's going with it...but not every little thing needs to be a federal case. save your scolding for when someone really fucks up.
also, when she has amnio to check out the baby's health & gender, she throws a temper tantrum over the fact that she's having a boy. "can't one thing go the way i want it to?" she wails. she kind of admits that she's being really bratty, but jeez louise. i know some people get really attached to their idea of what gender they would prefer, but i don't know how wise it is to publish in a book that baby may be able to read someday.
anyway, the baby is born. both matt & the author immediately fall in love with him. they try to make the co-parenting thing work, but almost immediately, matt receives a bunch of baby gifts from a woman who frequents the same bar as he does. the author is all like, "why is she giving you gifts? did you sleep with her?" he denies it for a while, but finally admits that he did. & the author FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. yes, it was totally a dick move for him to sleep with some other lady (without a condom!--did he learn nothing from this unplanned pregnancy?) while he was still sleeping with the author, who was pregnant with their child, but he was also making it clear that they weren't in a relationship, he didn't want a relationship, etc etc etc. i think both of them handled this situation very poorly. the author even make him go to couples counseling to address it.
this is where i really started to lose my patience with the author.
then there's a bunch of stuff about the author's elderly parents getting sick & dying. they die within a year of each other, though the mother has been suffering from dementia for fifteen years, so was already pretty checked out. look, my dad is dead, i know this shit is no picnic & that it's almost impossible not to talk about it. but because my dad died at the tender age of 48, when i was just barely 23, i have a really difficult time sympathizing with people whose parents live a full long life & then die when their children are adult & have gotten to have a couple of adult decades to have adult relationships with their parents. & maybe this is wrong of me, but i also have a hard time feeling that bad for people who know their loved one are going to die, because they die of an illness. it must be absolutely horrible & heartbreaking to watch your loved one suffer & be sick...but you get to say goodbye & wrap up affairs & prepare yourself emotionally (as much as you ever can with a death). i never got any of that & it still makes me angry, eight & a half years later. i just picked up the phone one day & my sister said, "dad's dead," & that was that. it really sucked.
anyway, moving on. once the author is back in california & recovering from her parents' deaths, she has far more energy to expend complaining about matt's shiftlessness & basically attempting to be his mother. she buys him a car because she's tired of picking him up all the time to babysit & spend the time with the kid. (why can't he buy his own care? or take the bus?) she tries to teach him to prepare & eat healthy food to deal with his severe colitis, because apparently his own parents never taught him to eat vegetables. he doesn't even know what broccoli looks like. she lets him stay with her, rent-free, while he looks for a new apartment. she scolds him a lot over his temp job & harangues him to ask for a permanent position. she pays for him to take a business class when he says he may be interested in working in finance.
basically, the dude seriously sounds like a complete & total loser. yes, he sounds like a good father who loves his son, but there's more to being a good father than just liking to play with your kid & wanting to spend time with him. the author mentions that matt has never once cut the baby's fingernails. um...keeping the baby's fingernails trimmed is actually kind of important. otherwise, the baby will scratch himself & look like he was mauled by a tiger. this matt dude sounds like little more than a really enthusiastic babysitter. & it sounds like having a one-night stand with this older woman is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to him. if i have some random dude's baby, will he buy me a car & send me to advanced degree classes? where do i sign up?
but the author also has her own issues in her reluctance to just let matt do his thing. she keeps saying that she owes it to her son to help matt & make sure he's doing all right. which sounds liek she's loading baggage on to this baby nice & early. the whole thing just sounds like a great big huge mess in which no one has any self-awareness whatsoever.
i walked away thinking, "these yahoos have a baby & i don't? how the fuck is that fair?"
she worries that this may be her last chance to become a mother (short of adopting, which is always an option). she'd kind of been holding out for the whole loving husband-planned children scenario, but the biological clock is ticking & she can't really bring herself to contemplate having an abortion if it means throwing away her potential last opportunity to give birth. so she decides to make a go of the single parenting thing. she calls the baby-daddy, matt, & breaks the news to him, offering him the chance to be as involved in the baby's life as he wishes. it turns out that he is very interested in being involved in the baby's life. his own parents divorced when he was five years old, & he thinks it's important for a child to know both parents. but that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with the author.
the next third of the book is all about the pregnancy--mostly just stories about how much the author is puking. she & matt continue to hook up on occasion, though he seems to be pretty firm on the topic of not wanting to pursue a relationship. he lives in a hovel of a shared house with a bunch of other man-children, he's feckless about employment opportunities, he has no money whatsoever...he just wants a relationship with the baby. the author finds a local single mom support group, & they encourage her to avoid putting matt's name on the birth certificate in case things go sour down the road & he tries to sue her for visitation rights. as much as she is providing him a chance to be involved, she's definitely considering herself the primary custodian. which is fair, i think.
not that she is so great with money either. she's 39 with a baby on the way, but she is still living paycheck to paycheck. she doesn't even have enough savings to put down a security deposit on a larger apartment, let alone cover the cost of day care & all those other baby expenses. which kind of blows my mind. i'm only 31, but i make less than half as much money as this lady & i put a percentage of it into savings every single month. it's not a huge nest egg, but it's more than enough for a security deposit on a new apartment, or even a pretty nice used car. i had to teach myself fiscal responsibility because lord knows it's a foreign concept to my parents, but it's IMPORTANT. especially when you are thinking about bringing a child into the picture. i really do not understand people who claim that they can't eke any savings out of their incomes. what the hell are these people spending their money on?
anyway, because she's broke as a joke, she moves into a friend's backyard trailer home for a month or two while she scrapes together the funds for a new apartment. she has little spats with matt over the little annoying things he does that indicate to the author that he's not taking enough of an interest in the pregnancy. for example, she recommended that he check out a website to keep up with each new week of fetal development, & he declines, saying he already has enough baby books to look at. she gets really mad because she thinks the website is interesting & interprets his disinterest as disinterest in the baby. i see where she's going with it...but not every little thing needs to be a federal case. save your scolding for when someone really fucks up.
also, when she has amnio to check out the baby's health & gender, she throws a temper tantrum over the fact that she's having a boy. "can't one thing go the way i want it to?" she wails. she kind of admits that she's being really bratty, but jeez louise. i know some people get really attached to their idea of what gender they would prefer, but i don't know how wise it is to publish in a book that baby may be able to read someday.
anyway, the baby is born. both matt & the author immediately fall in love with him. they try to make the co-parenting thing work, but almost immediately, matt receives a bunch of baby gifts from a woman who frequents the same bar as he does. the author is all like, "why is she giving you gifts? did you sleep with her?" he denies it for a while, but finally admits that he did. & the author FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. yes, it was totally a dick move for him to sleep with some other lady (without a condom!--did he learn nothing from this unplanned pregnancy?) while he was still sleeping with the author, who was pregnant with their child, but he was also making it clear that they weren't in a relationship, he didn't want a relationship, etc etc etc. i think both of them handled this situation very poorly. the author even make him go to couples counseling to address it.
this is where i really started to lose my patience with the author.
then there's a bunch of stuff about the author's elderly parents getting sick & dying. they die within a year of each other, though the mother has been suffering from dementia for fifteen years, so was already pretty checked out. look, my dad is dead, i know this shit is no picnic & that it's almost impossible not to talk about it. but because my dad died at the tender age of 48, when i was just barely 23, i have a really difficult time sympathizing with people whose parents live a full long life & then die when their children are adult & have gotten to have a couple of adult decades to have adult relationships with their parents. & maybe this is wrong of me, but i also have a hard time feeling that bad for people who know their loved one are going to die, because they die of an illness. it must be absolutely horrible & heartbreaking to watch your loved one suffer & be sick...but you get to say goodbye & wrap up affairs & prepare yourself emotionally (as much as you ever can with a death). i never got any of that & it still makes me angry, eight & a half years later. i just picked up the phone one day & my sister said, "dad's dead," & that was that. it really sucked.
anyway, moving on. once the author is back in california & recovering from her parents' deaths, she has far more energy to expend complaining about matt's shiftlessness & basically attempting to be his mother. she buys him a car because she's tired of picking him up all the time to babysit & spend the time with the kid. (why can't he buy his own care? or take the bus?) she tries to teach him to prepare & eat healthy food to deal with his severe colitis, because apparently his own parents never taught him to eat vegetables. he doesn't even know what broccoli looks like. she lets him stay with her, rent-free, while he looks for a new apartment. she scolds him a lot over his temp job & harangues him to ask for a permanent position. she pays for him to take a business class when he says he may be interested in working in finance.
basically, the dude seriously sounds like a complete & total loser. yes, he sounds like a good father who loves his son, but there's more to being a good father than just liking to play with your kid & wanting to spend time with him. the author mentions that matt has never once cut the baby's fingernails. um...keeping the baby's fingernails trimmed is actually kind of important. otherwise, the baby will scratch himself & look like he was mauled by a tiger. this matt dude sounds like little more than a really enthusiastic babysitter. & it sounds like having a one-night stand with this older woman is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to him. if i have some random dude's baby, will he buy me a car & send me to advanced degree classes? where do i sign up?
but the author also has her own issues in her reluctance to just let matt do his thing. she keeps saying that she owes it to her son to help matt & make sure he's doing all right. which sounds liek she's loading baggage on to this baby nice & early. the whole thing just sounds like a great big huge mess in which no one has any self-awareness whatsoever.
i walked away thinking, "these yahoos have a baby & i don't? how the fuck is that fair?"
September 13, 2015
The title of this memoir makes it sound fluffier than it actually is. While it is indeed about a one-night stand turned into a pregnancy and parenthood, it's also about the author's loss of her parents, about co-parenting with the father of the child, and it's about Maine (which I happen to adore, and where the author is from originally). I really enjoyed it.
I find the negative Goodreads reviews of the book a little surprising. It's not high literature, to be sure, but many of the objections seem to center on the author's choices. And, to put it mildly, some of these reviews are nasty and unforgiving. Pols wrote a memoir in which she attempted to be honest, it seems to me, and the reviewers are faulting her for that: for having unprotected sex and admitting to it, for initially wanting a girl and not a boy, for living paycheck to paycheck. Maybe the reviewers need to get over themselves if these great "sins" can't be forgiven.
I find the negative Goodreads reviews of the book a little surprising. It's not high literature, to be sure, but many of the objections seem to center on the author's choices. And, to put it mildly, some of these reviews are nasty and unforgiving. Pols wrote a memoir in which she attempted to be honest, it seems to me, and the reviewers are faulting her for that: for having unprotected sex and admitting to it, for initially wanting a girl and not a boy, for living paycheck to paycheck. Maybe the reviewers need to get over themselves if these great "sins" can't be forgiven.
January 27, 2012
I admit that this was meant to be a fluff read. I tried to cram a bunch of non-fiction into the front end of my reading challenge, because I often find it difficult to finish, but I can "do" memoirs. I don't usually review them, but I often enjoy reading them.
The first half of this book reads like a memoir. The second half reads like a journal, or a blog, without the kind of reflection the first half gets, but still alright. I began to wonder which circumstance of her life was memoir-worthy, though--lots of things happen to her in the three years this book covers, but neither the events themselves nor their proximity is particularly remarkable. People live this story every day. The final third of the book, the author comes across as miserably controlling and manipulative as well as telling an unremarkable story, and as if she is completely unaware of this fact. Her friends try to tell her gently, and she documents their efforts but brushes them off, so sure is she that she's right.
Despite other criticisms, I'd have given this a higher rating if I hadn't come to kind of detest the main character by the end.
The first half of this book reads like a memoir. The second half reads like a journal, or a blog, without the kind of reflection the first half gets, but still alright. I began to wonder which circumstance of her life was memoir-worthy, though--lots of things happen to her in the three years this book covers, but neither the events themselves nor their proximity is particularly remarkable. People live this story every day. The final third of the book, the author comes across as miserably controlling and manipulative as well as telling an unremarkable story, and as if she is completely unaware of this fact. Her friends try to tell her gently, and she documents their efforts but brushes them off, so sure is she that she's right.
Despite other criticisms, I'd have given this a higher rating if I hadn't come to kind of detest the main character by the end.
February 5, 2014
You might be able to tell from the rating I gave this book and the shelves I placed it on that I thought that the author of this memoir is an idiot and that this book is the evidence. I am sure this would be proof enough for any court of law. I read it because a friend really wanted me to and sent it to me. She hated it and said I wouldn't believe it even when I read it.
Mary Pols is 39 and, like Charlotte on Sex in the City, has some kind of Cinderella fantasy going on about getting married to Mr. Wonderful and having perfect little planned babies. At 39, the clock is ticking away. She has a one night stand with a doofus. He's 29 and a total loser. He has failed to launch and doesn't look likely to ever launch. Actually, I think she was really planning to trap him into fatherhood because she acts surprised he didn't wear a condom as she requested. I honestly think 39 is old enough to WATCH and LOOK to be sure a condom is on before insertion, don't you? But she's too stupid (or cunning) and manages, at 39, to get pregnant the first time around.
She decides to have the baby and tells the moron father whose parents divorced when he was 5 and made him super eager to be a dad. Please! The man is unemployed, unqualified for anything except maybe cleaning toilets, too stupid to remember to do anything, and actually needs a mommy himself. Unfortunately for him, control freak Pols is on the scene to treat him like shit and as if he is all of 5 years old (his apparent mental age).
Then comes all the tedious details of the pregnancy. Pols is certain that she is the center of the universe, is in charge of everything and everyone, and is frankly the kind of bitch I'd like to run over with the SUV as a gift to the world. I seriously pity that kid of hers! She continues to mistreat the father of her child and to be a Momzilla all through the pregnancy and birth. I am a mother myself and have only had home births (along with home schooling) so I can understand and empathize with someone going through pregnancy and childbirth but not this woman. It is a bad thing when you read someone's book and sincerely hope they will suffer intensely. That's not normal but she inspires no empathy from me. I was especially angry to read her comments indicating at her amnio (apparently if the baby she deliberately went out to conceive wasn't perfect like her, she intended to have them kill it in the middle of the pregnancy) that she wanted a girl and was mad that she was having a boy. Great mom- now fast forward to the future when that little boy grows up and reads THAT.
For all of her carrying on about the father's lack of fiscal responsibility, she's nearly 40 and living paycheck to paycheck. She can't even afford to rent a bigger and better apartment nor to pay for daycare and winds up in someone's backyard in a dinky trailer.
It gets worse (how can that be?). Suddenly her parents die. Her mom has had dementia/Alzheimer's for 15 years and before you know it, during one year, she is parent-less. Meanwhile, her baby-daddy is fucking other women, one who showers the new baby with gifts which then makes her mad despite the fact that she was told he did not want a relationship with her (wonder why neither he nor any other man in 40 years has wanted a permanent relationship with her?!!!).
This actually sounds like two movies- Knocked Up and Failure To Launch- got together, had sex, and birthed this (unfortunately) real event.
Recommended for people who like to read about disturbing events.
Mary Pols is 39 and, like Charlotte on Sex in the City, has some kind of Cinderella fantasy going on about getting married to Mr. Wonderful and having perfect little planned babies. At 39, the clock is ticking away. She has a one night stand with a doofus. He's 29 and a total loser. He has failed to launch and doesn't look likely to ever launch. Actually, I think she was really planning to trap him into fatherhood because she acts surprised he didn't wear a condom as she requested. I honestly think 39 is old enough to WATCH and LOOK to be sure a condom is on before insertion, don't you? But she's too stupid (or cunning) and manages, at 39, to get pregnant the first time around.
She decides to have the baby and tells the moron father whose parents divorced when he was 5 and made him super eager to be a dad. Please! The man is unemployed, unqualified for anything except maybe cleaning toilets, too stupid to remember to do anything, and actually needs a mommy himself. Unfortunately for him, control freak Pols is on the scene to treat him like shit and as if he is all of 5 years old (his apparent mental age).
Then comes all the tedious details of the pregnancy. Pols is certain that she is the center of the universe, is in charge of everything and everyone, and is frankly the kind of bitch I'd like to run over with the SUV as a gift to the world. I seriously pity that kid of hers! She continues to mistreat the father of her child and to be a Momzilla all through the pregnancy and birth. I am a mother myself and have only had home births (along with home schooling) so I can understand and empathize with someone going through pregnancy and childbirth but not this woman. It is a bad thing when you read someone's book and sincerely hope they will suffer intensely. That's not normal but she inspires no empathy from me. I was especially angry to read her comments indicating at her amnio (apparently if the baby she deliberately went out to conceive wasn't perfect like her, she intended to have them kill it in the middle of the pregnancy) that she wanted a girl and was mad that she was having a boy. Great mom- now fast forward to the future when that little boy grows up and reads THAT.
For all of her carrying on about the father's lack of fiscal responsibility, she's nearly 40 and living paycheck to paycheck. She can't even afford to rent a bigger and better apartment nor to pay for daycare and winds up in someone's backyard in a dinky trailer.
It gets worse (how can that be?). Suddenly her parents die. Her mom has had dementia/Alzheimer's for 15 years and before you know it, during one year, she is parent-less. Meanwhile, her baby-daddy is fucking other women, one who showers the new baby with gifts which then makes her mad despite the fact that she was told he did not want a relationship with her (wonder why neither he nor any other man in 40 years has wanted a permanent relationship with her?!!!).
This actually sounds like two movies- Knocked Up and Failure To Launch- got together, had sex, and birthed this (unfortunately) real event.
Recommended for people who like to read about disturbing events.
July 7, 2008
Fabulous story about becoming a mother as well as about being a daughter, all mixed in with the frustrations and joys of having an undefinable "family" relationship with the unexpected father of her child. I think the reason I liked this so much is that I liked the woman, could relate to her, she would probably be my friend if I knew her personally. She lives a rather unconventional life in the San Fran area but has very normal ties to her large family in Maine. Her coming to terms with all of this, including many losses along the way, is handled thoughtfully, honestly and with love. As she sums up at the end: "All I want is to leave a legacy of love on this earth as true and as deep as the love my parents left." Again, found myself sobbing at certain points in this one...e.g., when watching her father from afar and finding her brother doing the same...."If he were the phoenix, we were like feverish bird-watchers, recording every glimpse of a creature we knew to be rare, bordering even on extinction."
April 3, 2018
This book was so well-written and revealing...a little too revealing for me sometimes, as her child, Dolan, is in my 8th grade classroom.
August 31, 2008
If this common sense, Knocked Up, and this book have taught us fertile females nothing, it's triple check that condom, ladies. This book had me from the subtitle and kept me reading it from cover-to-cover last weekend. Pols is a one-time reporter and a former film critic for the 'Contra-Costa Times,' and she's clearly got the life and the chops to make this "I fell down tipsy, and woke up pregnant" memoir sing. Words like "brutally honest" are often used to describe memoirs like this one, and that phrase definitely applies here and Pols doesn't always paint herself and her one-night-stand turned baby daddy in the most flattering light. Pols, single in nestled in the collective bosom of an army of close friends and family, almost bullies the aimless, often cheerfully clueless, ten years her junior co-parent into a relationship, allegedly for the baby's sake. And two weeks after reading it, it's still painful to remember the passages where the father of Pols' child makes it clear that while he's not sure what he wants to do with his life outside of the occasional game of lacrosse, he's crystal clear on one thing--he doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with her. Occasional nookie? Sure, if she's in the mood. Co-parenting their son? A thousand times, yes! Being the Matt to her Mary? He'll pass. It's brutal. But reading about Pols ultimately successful attempts to patch together an completely different life for herself before and after her son Dolan's birth is mesmerizing, sometimes maddening (Did Matt really not smell her $600 vacuum cleaner burning on the radiator? And Mary, for the last time, he's just not that into you. Sorry!), and frequently hilarious (but I'm a breeder who hasn't bred, so nuclear-scale vomit sessions from your little one on the ONE day you take him to work might be funnier to me than others). The father of Pols' baby seems to be a stoner without the excuse of actually doing pot regularly, so it's a bit of a miracle when, with a lot of help from their extended families and Mary's prodding, he turns into a seriously awesome dad. Whew! But the unspoken stars of this book, outside of Mary, Matt, and baby Dolan are that extended circle, particularly Pols' eighty-something father who puts aside Irish Catholic edicts against unwed pregnancy to welcome baby Dolan with eagerness and a whole heart. Still, there's no mistaking the realization that despite the fact that Dolan is the best mistake his parents ever made, 'Accidentally on Purpose' makes it clear there is still a lot of pain, discomfort, anxiety, and plain old hard work to being a caring parent, no matter how many helping hands you have. Just as I always thought, it really does take a village to raise a child--and the two parents who were gobsmacked with the unexpected pregnancy that led to said bundle of Irish joy. So while there's no 'Knocked Up' style romantic reconciliation between mom and dad at the end, this real-life "whoops! I'm a mommy!" tale is a rollicking, well-written read. I bought that sucker in hardback--and took a good hard look at my birth control methods. ;->
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 30, 2009
I absolutely loved this book and couldn't put it down. Mary F. Pols is a brilliant writer whose Maine roots and New England sensibilities shine throughout this memoir. I adored getting to know Mary and her circle of friends and siblings. She has a fantastic sense of timing - she very cleverly weaves past and present anecdotes throughout the book to give the reader a fuller appreciation of the bigness of her life's experiences and the tremendous impact having a child has had on every corner of her existence. Mary is the kind of person I'd love to have a glass of wine with to learn more about her fabulous life and I look forward to reading more from her in the future. Her book is hopeful yet realistic. She doesn't sugarcoat the difficulty in becomming a single mother at 40 or trying to adapt to life as a co-parent with her less ambitious but equally committed baby daddy. Mary is equally adept at handling the humorous and more serious, solemn events of her life. I enjoyed reading about every moment!
September 10, 2008
Well-written and entertaining, if not quite enough to fully temper my initial reaction to a 39-year-old woman who just... doesn't use a condom during a one-night stand. I mean, it's neat that she's loving the best mistake she ever made instead of nursing the worst genital wart she's ever had... just not likely.
September 18, 2010
Fast read -- at times compelling.
The author came across as tough, although she had mellowed by the (very) end of the book.
I hope that her family arrangement works out over time and that the father's health improves. Since the author is a professional journalist, there may well be a follow-up memoir.
The author came across as tough, although she had mellowed by the (very) end of the book.
I hope that her family arrangement works out over time and that the father's health improves. Since the author is a professional journalist, there may well be a follow-up memoir.
August 13, 2008
Not a bad read; well-written and affecting. It dragged a little toward the end and it seems like the author tried to cram in one too many epiphanies, but still an entertaining casual read.
August 18, 2008
Strange but interesting
January 27, 2021
This memoir about Single Mother by Choice is a bit of an outlier for what I was looking for, since it's got a strong focus on the father aspect. Because of that I felt that it spent a lot of time talking about trying to co-parent with someone you're not in love with. Which in itself was interesting to read, certainly, but I found I didn't engage with the story as much I thought I would because of it. I definitely enjoyed the snippets of Dolan that the reader got though. It just goes to show that every mother's path to motherhood is different but that they all lead to amazing love for someone - the child. I liked the book and now I feel I know the story of Mary Pol much better know so when I hear her on podcasts, I can appreciate what she is saying even more. If you are looking at single motherhood by choice, and especially if there is going to be a co-parent in the mix, this could be a great memoir to add under the belt.
June 22, 2020
Wait did they end up together?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 20, 2021
Liked the story hated the author and her superiority complex.
September 3, 2022
What a wonderful, uplifting, true to life book. Excellent from start to finish, you will laugh, cry and cringe (all at the same time haha). The premise is excellent and the storytelling even better.
December 25, 2025
Ta chido, es una buena representacion de una madre soltera, y ya
February 25, 2023
I really didn’t enjoy this. I also didn’t realise it was a memoir until I read some of the reviews after; I just thought it was an annoying first-person perspective. I DNF’d.
March 20, 2017
Como que divagaba demasiado, lento; no me encanto.
October 19, 2008
I casually picked this book up when perusing my local library's "new books" shelves and the title certainly caught my eye. I liked the idea of reading what this woman's journey must have been. And for the most part, it was interesting to read. However, about three-quarters of the way through the memoir you're suddenly dealing not with her raising her child, but dealing with the death of both parents and facing life as an "orphan" at the age of 40. I didn't really appreciate the sudden shift to such drastically different subject material, especially as someone who has lost one parent and already lost all four grandparents. I understand that it coincided with her advent into motherhood, but I suppose I wish somewhere in the book jacket I could have gotten a heads up.
Other things of note--sometimes, especially towards the latter half of the book, I found her trying too hard to be a writer. I questioned her poetic responses to things and felt like her metaphors for life (really? she took swimming lessons when her son was 2 and "hurray for me" learned to dive?) I just felt like she was trying too hard sometimes. And the last sentence of the book harkens back to the first page, but it comes out of nowhere and I had to flip to the beginning to make sense of it.
Probably the most interesting aspect of the book is the constantly changing relationship she develops with her son's father. Their dynamic can be unbelievably frustrating at times (and reminds me of a past relationship of my own), but clearly demonstrates how difficult it can be when two totally different people create a new person together and have to figure out how to co-parent!
But I do worry about the author. I think she has put all her eggs in one basket in the "man of her dreams" sleeping in the crib down the hall. I completely understand her tendency to make him her world for now. But when he turns 10, 12, 15 and starts wanting to have nothing to do with her she is going to have to get used to the fact that his being her angel is only for such a short time. I just hope she continues to look for a life partner who will be around for her longer than 18 years. (I know, such a pessimist, right?)
Either way, it was a good escape from my first few months of graduate school.
Other things of note--sometimes, especially towards the latter half of the book, I found her trying too hard to be a writer. I questioned her poetic responses to things and felt like her metaphors for life (really? she took swimming lessons when her son was 2 and "hurray for me" learned to dive?) I just felt like she was trying too hard sometimes. And the last sentence of the book harkens back to the first page, but it comes out of nowhere and I had to flip to the beginning to make sense of it.
Probably the most interesting aspect of the book is the constantly changing relationship she develops with her son's father. Their dynamic can be unbelievably frustrating at times (and reminds me of a past relationship of my own), but clearly demonstrates how difficult it can be when two totally different people create a new person together and have to figure out how to co-parent!
But I do worry about the author. I think she has put all her eggs in one basket in the "man of her dreams" sleeping in the crib down the hall. I completely understand her tendency to make him her world for now. But when he turns 10, 12, 15 and starts wanting to have nothing to do with her she is going to have to get used to the fact that his being her angel is only for such a short time. I just hope she continues to look for a life partner who will be around for her longer than 18 years. (I know, such a pessimist, right?)
Either way, it was a good escape from my first few months of graduate school.
May 17, 2012
First of all, this book was not what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was a pro-life book about a woman who was going to have an abortion or something. Anyways, I thought it was going to have a pro-life message and it really wasn't about that at all. In the book she actually mentions that she is for "a womans right to choose", and it really has nothing to do with whether abortion is right or wrong, it's more about her story and how she wanted a baby but thought she was too old and didn't need to have one without a husband.
With that said, the first half of the book was pretty interesting. around the second half I got really bored. She started bringing in stuff about her parents and their deaths, and that went on for chapters. I didn't see it as relevant to the story really, but I guess when you think about it it kinda is since she is now a parent herself. But that was still a huge boring point for me. It was pretty boring after that too, until the very end, which was sweet. The one thing I did enjoy about it was her relationship with and love for her little boy. I also liked that she explained in detail the whole process of the birth, and she pointed out that it is not what you think it is going to be, nor is it the way it should be. She showed just how uncaring doctors are and how generally every one of them will suggest a C Section to get things going. In general they don't care about the patient and just want to get the birth over, and that is so very realistic considering how prevalent that is in today's culture.
But overall I didn't care for this book, and I rushed to finish it today so I could put it in the Goodwill pile I'm dropping off in a couple hours. lol
With that said, the first half of the book was pretty interesting. around the second half I got really bored. She started bringing in stuff about her parents and their deaths, and that went on for chapters. I didn't see it as relevant to the story really, but I guess when you think about it it kinda is since she is now a parent herself. But that was still a huge boring point for me. It was pretty boring after that too, until the very end, which was sweet. The one thing I did enjoy about it was her relationship with and love for her little boy. I also liked that she explained in detail the whole process of the birth, and she pointed out that it is not what you think it is going to be, nor is it the way it should be. She showed just how uncaring doctors are and how generally every one of them will suggest a C Section to get things going. In general they don't care about the patient and just want to get the birth over, and that is so very realistic considering how prevalent that is in today's culture.
But overall I didn't care for this book, and I rushed to finish it today so I could put it in the Goodwill pile I'm dropping off in a couple hours. lol
November 6, 2011
Pushing 40, Mary Pols compares her life to those around her and is dissatisfied that she hasn't created the nuclear family that friends and relatives are enjoying. She is especially saddened at the looming possibility that at this point in her life, she might not ever have a baby.
And then she gets drunk and has a one-night stand with someone she barely knows. This results in a pregnancy.
I admit I read some of the reviews before reading this book, and people's common complaint is her attempt to force the baby-daddy into a sort of parental/spousal role that he never signed on for. I also found this annoying at first, but ultimately I think the two accidental co-parents blundered their way into a friendship that works on some level.
It's always hard to say what the right thing to do is. If a man is not interested in being a parent to his accidental kid, I'm not sure what good there is in forcing it on him. But who's to say? Even though at first, Pols had to teach him the basic life skills to be adult enough to care for his kid--- i.e. cooking a meal, changing the oil in his car, writing a resume--- eventually he did learn these things and fostered a good relationship with his son. It seems that looking back, although Pols had a heavy-handed approach, the dad doesn't regret that he learned the things that allowed him to continue his relationship with his kid.
I also appreciate the way that for Pols, having her son allowed her to ease up on the unrealistic expectations she had about her life and romance. Effectively, she took the nuclear family off the table which I imagine will free her up for more varied relationships outside the box.
And then she gets drunk and has a one-night stand with someone she barely knows. This results in a pregnancy.
I admit I read some of the reviews before reading this book, and people's common complaint is her attempt to force the baby-daddy into a sort of parental/spousal role that he never signed on for. I also found this annoying at first, but ultimately I think the two accidental co-parents blundered their way into a friendship that works on some level.
It's always hard to say what the right thing to do is. If a man is not interested in being a parent to his accidental kid, I'm not sure what good there is in forcing it on him. But who's to say? Even though at first, Pols had to teach him the basic life skills to be adult enough to care for his kid--- i.e. cooking a meal, changing the oil in his car, writing a resume--- eventually he did learn these things and fostered a good relationship with his son. It seems that looking back, although Pols had a heavy-handed approach, the dad doesn't regret that he learned the things that allowed him to continue his relationship with his kid.
I also appreciate the way that for Pols, having her son allowed her to ease up on the unrealistic expectations she had about her life and romance. Effectively, she took the nuclear family off the table which I imagine will free her up for more varied relationships outside the box.
December 31, 2012
¡MALÍSIMO! Compré este libro pensando que iba a se otra cosa, pero me topé con 347 páginas con la historia de una señora cuarentona y antipática que se la pasa quejándose, y juzgando a todos los que están a su alrededor, sin poner los ojos primero en ella misma y sus acciones. El primer lloriqueo viene por su embarazo accidental (yo pensando que por ahí saldría un mensaje pro-vida, cuando en realidad decide tener al niño porque "se le va el tren") después sufre porque el bebé no salió del género que ella prefería, para terminar relatando a detalle la inmadurez del padre de la criatura, quien por cierto desde el principio la acompañó, le pidió que conservara al bebé y la ayudó en la medida de sus posibilidades, aún teniendo problemas de salud. ¿Inmaduro? Seguro, pero desde un inicio queda claro que es mucho más joven que ella ¿qué esperaba? Sin mencionar que a lo largo del libro tampoco ella da muchas muestras de madurez personal, profesional, financiera o de otro tipo, así pues, el burro hablando de orejas.
Al final menciona en los agradecimientos al padre de su hijo "sin él no habría sido posible"... Más que agradecerle, debería disculparse por el pobre retrato que pinta de él. Y en cuanto a su hijo, no sé qué tan orgulloso se sienta al ver que su madre escribió semejante pieza y la publicó para que el mundo vea cómo destroza a su padre en papel y deja en claro que él fue un accidente tipo "peor es nada".
Un libro que en realidad terminé por necia, pero que me dejó un muy mal sabor de boca y de un humor terrible para lo que se suponía iba a ser una lectura ligera. Para nada recomendado, un desperdicio de tiempo y dinero.
Al final menciona en los agradecimientos al padre de su hijo "sin él no habría sido posible"... Más que agradecerle, debería disculparse por el pobre retrato que pinta de él. Y en cuanto a su hijo, no sé qué tan orgulloso se sienta al ver que su madre escribió semejante pieza y la publicó para que el mundo vea cómo destroza a su padre en papel y deja en claro que él fue un accidente tipo "peor es nada".
Un libro que en realidad terminé por necia, pero que me dejó un muy mal sabor de boca y de un humor terrible para lo que se suponía iba a ser una lectura ligera. Para nada recomendado, un desperdicio de tiempo y dinero.
February 9, 2014
This one is probably more like a 3.5, but I realize I've been exceptionally stingy with my stars lately... So I'm rounding up.
This is a relatable, quick read. I found myself bobbing my head in agreement at some parts, and in others, I found myself wanting to wring the main character's neck--and since this is a memoir, the main character is a real person, the author. Every step of the way from finding out about her unplanned pregnancy to her son's toddler years, Mary proved to be incredibly and often unfairly judgmental of everyone in her life, especially her child's father. Despite her constant criticism (and, to be fair, she's a professional film critic, so being critical is kind of in the job description), she herself made the same mistakes over and over again, particularly in the string of completely predictable disappointments that made up her love life.
The reason this read was ultimately redeemable is because Mary finally learned from her mistakes and became a more compassionate and understanding person. I liked that someone older (she's about 40 for most of the book) could still learn and grow and admit fault. I liked that putting on the accidentally acquired hat of motherhood made her better, made her whole. As a new mom myself I can relate to that.
Do I recommend this one? Yes. If you're looking for a quick read with a lot of heart and are okay dealing with extremely sorrowful moments as well, give it a go.
This is a relatable, quick read. I found myself bobbing my head in agreement at some parts, and in others, I found myself wanting to wring the main character's neck--and since this is a memoir, the main character is a real person, the author. Every step of the way from finding out about her unplanned pregnancy to her son's toddler years, Mary proved to be incredibly and often unfairly judgmental of everyone in her life, especially her child's father. Despite her constant criticism (and, to be fair, she's a professional film critic, so being critical is kind of in the job description), she herself made the same mistakes over and over again, particularly in the string of completely predictable disappointments that made up her love life.
The reason this read was ultimately redeemable is because Mary finally learned from her mistakes and became a more compassionate and understanding person. I liked that someone older (she's about 40 for most of the book) could still learn and grow and admit fault. I liked that putting on the accidentally acquired hat of motherhood made her better, made her whole. As a new mom myself I can relate to that.
Do I recommend this one? Yes. If you're looking for a quick read with a lot of heart and are okay dealing with extremely sorrowful moments as well, give it a go.
October 31, 2012
Reading ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE, I identified strongly with Mary F. Pols as she went through her struggles to find a satisfying relationship with a man, but ultimately had a child who was the product of a one-night stand and found true love with her child. I too had my share of horrific relationships in which men said and did dreadful things. Sometimes Mr. Right does not appear on the scene until after menopause, and sometimes he never does. Adult women (teenagers excluded!) who want to have a child need to go for it when the time is right for them physically and emotionally, regardless of what is going on or not going on for them romantically. I admire Pols immensely for doing just that. I also admire her for admitting her own shortcomings, such as her need to be controlling. People who write about themselves as models of perfection probably are not telling the truth. Pols's memoir rings true in every way. It's a compelling saga of yearning, redemption, and love that is given depth and context through inclusion of a lot of information about Pols's family and her own childhood. Brava!
--Lucille Lang Day, author of MARRIED AT FOURTEEN: A TRUE STORY
--Lucille Lang Day, author of MARRIED AT FOURTEEN: A TRUE STORY
April 22, 2011
Thankfully Mary Pols isn't quite as wordy as the title would suggest. This is a good book about a woman choosing to raise the child that is the product of a one night stand. But it really isn't that focused on the pregnancy or the decision to be a single mom. The core of the book is Mary trying to force the father of her soon to be born baby to grow up and be responsible. It's a classic protrayal of enabling gone awry. She buys him a car, gives him a place to live, suggests career moves and basically adopts him as if he were the baby. I was constantly shaking my head at her decisions.
That being said, she is a good writer and the book is interesting. But it's not Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year by Anne Lamott, a book that really focuses on what it means to be a single mom. I would recommend that book over this one for anyone interested in the single mother "experience."
January 14, 2015
Sometimes an author's sheer honesty can carry a story and this was one of those times. With other memoirs I've read, I sometimes felt like the author was lying a little, sinning by omission. That's their privilege, of course--you don't have to tell all to write a great memoir. But if you choose to do so, it can help.
On the other hand, I felt like this was only half of a story. Story first, then a very long appendix of personal history, added on in order to bring it up to book length. The first half of the story--pregnancy and childbirth and a few early months--were fascinating. Gut wrenching, yes. Funny, yes a lot! And sincere. I learned to love her and baby what's-its-name.
The second half was more about her parents and siblings, a family history from the perspective of a single mother. I loved it too, since I'd learned to love her, but it wasn't what I'd expected. Still, she's a right to tell her story the way she wants to tell it.
No matter. Wonder if she'll write a sequel in a few years?
On the other hand, I felt like this was only half of a story. Story first, then a very long appendix of personal history, added on in order to bring it up to book length. The first half of the story--pregnancy and childbirth and a few early months--were fascinating. Gut wrenching, yes. Funny, yes a lot! And sincere. I learned to love her and baby what's-its-name.
The second half was more about her parents and siblings, a family history from the perspective of a single mother. I loved it too, since I'd learned to love her, but it wasn't what I'd expected. Still, she's a right to tell her story the way she wants to tell it.
No matter. Wonder if she'll write a sequel in a few years?
June 9, 2009
I'm not sure why I love the random memoir so much, but I do, and this one was no exception. Mary Pols is a single woman approaching 40 and feeling unfulfilled and a bit depressed about it when she accidentally becomes pregnant after a one night stand with a man 10 years younger than her. She bravely forges ahead, has her son, Dolan, and creates a life for the two of them, surrounded by friends and family and most importantly Matt, Dolan's father, who turns out (surprisingly) to be an excellent dad and co-parent. The author drove me crazy at times -- I wanted to tell her to stop nagging Matt and start looking at how lucky she was to have him around -- but I have to give her tons of credit for being so completely honest. She really puts herself out there, and she comes across as very real as a result. The book also focuses on Mary's family relationships and the deaths of both of her parents shortly after Dolan's birth. It's a quick and enjoyable read.
May 22, 2010
This book was made into a sitcom that I never watched, which has now been cancelled. Just as well, because though there were many funny moments in this book, I wouldn't say that it was a comedy. Suffice it to say that there's personal resonance for me in the story of an older, single-not-so-much-by-choice, reporter who ends up pregnant after a one-night stand. She decides to keep the child and to maintain a relationship with the father, who is younger and a bit flighty. That guy is far from perfect. But the way she treats him makes me feel sorry for him, and she's the one I'm supposed to identify with! He just seemed like a doofy guy who was trying to do the right thing, even though he often got it wrong. I mostly liked Pols and her strength and humor, though, and I suppose it is a testament to her honesty that she is quite willing to make herself into a bit of a "bad guy," instead of turning herself into a poor put-upon single mother abandoned by the feckless sperm donor.
September 24, 2014
4 stars!
I really enjoyed reading this book, I thought it was well written, well edited and it kept my interest from beginning to end. This is not the type of book that I usually go for but going through an unplanned pregnancy alone (under different circumstances) I wanted to read something that I might possibly be able to relate to...and in some way I did. The reason why I knocked off a star was because some of the author's decisions made me a bit twitchy eyed...but hey it's each to their own. Overall, I did enjoy this memoir about an unwanted pregnancy after a one night stand and I felt good to be able to follow the journey of a woman in a similar situation as me but from a different world.
I really enjoyed reading this book, I thought it was well written, well edited and it kept my interest from beginning to end. This is not the type of book that I usually go for but going through an unplanned pregnancy alone (under different circumstances) I wanted to read something that I might possibly be able to relate to...and in some way I did. The reason why I knocked off a star was because some of the author's decisions made me a bit twitchy eyed...but hey it's each to their own. Overall, I did enjoy this memoir about an unwanted pregnancy after a one night stand and I felt good to be able to follow the journey of a woman in a similar situation as me but from a different world.
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