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Special Topics in Being a Human: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned the Hard Way about Caring for People, Including Myself
As an author, educator, and public speaker, S. Bear Bergman has documented his experience as, among other things, a trans parent, with wit and aplomb. He also writes the advice column “Ask Bear,” in which he answers crucial questions about how best to make our collective way through the world.
Featuring disarming illustrations by Saul Freedman-Lawson, Special Topics in Being a Human elaborates on “Ask Bear”’s a gentle, witty, and insightful book of practical advice for the modern age. It offers Dad advice and Jewish bubbe wisdom, all filtered through a queer lens, to help you navigate some of the complexities of life—from how to make big decisions or make a good apology, to how to get someone’s new name and pronouns right as quickly as possible, to how to gracefully navigate a breakup. With warmth and candor, Special Topics in Being a Human calls out social inequities and injustices in traditional advice-giving, validates your feelings, asks a lot of questions, and tries to help you be your best possible self with kindness, compassion, and humor.
Featuring disarming illustrations by Saul Freedman-Lawson, Special Topics in Being a Human elaborates on “Ask Bear”’s a gentle, witty, and insightful book of practical advice for the modern age. It offers Dad advice and Jewish bubbe wisdom, all filtered through a queer lens, to help you navigate some of the complexities of life—from how to make big decisions or make a good apology, to how to get someone’s new name and pronouns right as quickly as possible, to how to gracefully navigate a breakup. With warmth and candor, Special Topics in Being a Human calls out social inequities and injustices in traditional advice-giving, validates your feelings, asks a lot of questions, and tries to help you be your best possible self with kindness, compassion, and humor.
274 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 12, 2021
51 people are currently reading
1586 people want to read
About the author
S. Bear Bergman
22 books176 followersS. Bear Bergman is a storyteller, a theater artist, an instigator, a gender-jammer, and a good example of what happens when you overeducate a contrarian. He is the author of Butch Is a Noun (reissued with a new foreword by Arsenal Pulp Press, 2010), Lambda Literary Award-finalist The Nearest Exit May be Behind You (Arsenal Pulp Press, 2009), Backwards Day (Flamingo Rampant, 2012), Lambda Literary Award-finalist The Adventures of Tulip, Birthday Wish Fairy (Flamingo Rampant, 2012) and Blood, Marriage, Wine, & Glitter (Arsenal Pulp Press, 2013) – as well as the editor (with the inimitable Kate Bornstein) of the multiple-award-winning Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation (Seal Press, 2010). Bear is also the creator and performer of three award-winning solo performances and a frequent contributor to anthologies on all manner of topics (see his CV for an extensive list of publications of presentations). Bear can be found many days in an airport lounge, writing stories on his laptop and letters on any piece of paper that can pretend to be stationery.
A frequent lecturer at colleges and universities regarding issues relating to gender, sexuality, and culture, Bear enjoys digging in to complicated ideas and getting dirty doing it. He also works extensively helping to create queer and trans cultural competency at universities, corporations, health care providers, and governmental organizations. This work has included training, policy development, policy reviews, and process/barrier audits, as well as cultural awareness consulting for external marketing.
As a Jew, Bear also speaks extensively about how his religious and cultural lives have shaped one another and the intersection of identities, especially as it relates to being both Jewish and queer. He remains exceptionally pleased to have been asked to write the chapter on trans inclusion for Hillel International’s LGBTQ Resource Guide
Less recently, Bear was one of the five original founders of the first Gay/Straight Alliance, a frequent lecturer at high schools and colleges on the subject of making schools safe for GLBT students, and a founding commission member of what is now called the Massachusetts Safe Schools Project. Bear was an insufferable know-it-all in high school, but is reformed these days. Somewhat.
Bear was educated at Concord Academy, Hampshire College, and the University of Massachusetts. He currently resides in Toronto, Ontario where he has set up housekeeping with his husband j wallace skelton and their children, and travels frequently to visit the many people close to his heart.
A frequent lecturer at colleges and universities regarding issues relating to gender, sexuality, and culture, Bear enjoys digging in to complicated ideas and getting dirty doing it. He also works extensively helping to create queer and trans cultural competency at universities, corporations, health care providers, and governmental organizations. This work has included training, policy development, policy reviews, and process/barrier audits, as well as cultural awareness consulting for external marketing.
As a Jew, Bear also speaks extensively about how his religious and cultural lives have shaped one another and the intersection of identities, especially as it relates to being both Jewish and queer. He remains exceptionally pleased to have been asked to write the chapter on trans inclusion for Hillel International’s LGBTQ Resource Guide
Less recently, Bear was one of the five original founders of the first Gay/Straight Alliance, a frequent lecturer at high schools and colleges on the subject of making schools safe for GLBT students, and a founding commission member of what is now called the Massachusetts Safe Schools Project. Bear was an insufferable know-it-all in high school, but is reformed these days. Somewhat.
Bear was educated at Concord Academy, Hampshire College, and the University of Massachusetts. He currently resides in Toronto, Ontario where he has set up housekeeping with his husband j wallace skelton and their children, and travels frequently to visit the many people close to his heart.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 127 reviews
March 24, 2022
A very queer and tender guide indeed. Bergman shares advice on topics like "how to give the kind of help that helping's all about" (my personal favourite -- literally showed it to my husband to tell him how I want to be helped when I'm upset!), "how to get someone's new name and pronouns right," "how to apologize," "how to tell people things they probably won't be happy to hear," and more!
Bergman's writing is compassionate and direct. I loved the expressive line drawings of diverse people by Saul Freedman-Lawson and would have liked more variety in the colouring (people are filled in with one colour all over instead of different colours for different body parts, clothes etc -- I did read an ARC though, so this might be different in the finished copy).
A book I will come back to for sure!
Bergman's writing is compassionate and direct. I loved the expressive line drawings of diverse people by Saul Freedman-Lawson and would have liked more variety in the colouring (people are filled in with one colour all over instead of different colours for different body parts, clothes etc -- I did read an ARC though, so this might be different in the finished copy).
A book I will come back to for sure!
March 1, 2022
I desperately wish I had this book in high school, and that everyone around me did too.
July 7, 2021
Read my full review of this book here: https://booksandbakes.substack.com/p/...
This is such a warm, tender, open-hearted, and sweet book full of practical and thoughtful advice about living life. I loved so many of the smaller, useful tips: making a weighted pros and cons list, how to take up less space/be less threatening in public if you're a man (or cis, white, straight, etc.), really useful steps for making a meaningful apology, how to get someone's pronouns/name right quickly. But there's a lot more big-picture stuff too, really excellent thoughts on how to make big decisions, how to do things you're not good at, how to love people with your actions.
The art is an absolute joy. There are so many kinds of people and bodies represented, of all genders, races, religions, abilities, body types. There are fat people and wheelchair users and people wearing hijabs and just so much beautiful human diversity. It makes the book feel actually inclusive, like it's really meant for everyone. And, this is a seemingly small thing but I can't stop thinking about it — so many of the people in the drawings are not smiling! It took me a little while to notice it and then it just made me so happy. It felt like this big relief, to see these drawings of folks just doing daily stuff, or having conversations, or even interacting with loved ones and just...not always smiling. It felt so real to me.
It's also such a joy to read a self-help/advice book like this written from a queer/trans lens. Being poly or non-monogamous, having nontraditional families, valuing friendships equally to romantic relationships — all of these things are named, expected, deemed normal.
I have loved all of Bergman's previous work, and I love this one, too. What a gem. Funny and smart and so deeply kind. Bergman's tone is so inviting and so caring. Reading this book was so comforting, even when I was nodding along at hard but good advice, thinking, oh, this is something I should work on or think about. Really lovely, highly recommend.
This is such a warm, tender, open-hearted, and sweet book full of practical and thoughtful advice about living life. I loved so many of the smaller, useful tips: making a weighted pros and cons list, how to take up less space/be less threatening in public if you're a man (or cis, white, straight, etc.), really useful steps for making a meaningful apology, how to get someone's pronouns/name right quickly. But there's a lot more big-picture stuff too, really excellent thoughts on how to make big decisions, how to do things you're not good at, how to love people with your actions.
The art is an absolute joy. There are so many kinds of people and bodies represented, of all genders, races, religions, abilities, body types. There are fat people and wheelchair users and people wearing hijabs and just so much beautiful human diversity. It makes the book feel actually inclusive, like it's really meant for everyone. And, this is a seemingly small thing but I can't stop thinking about it — so many of the people in the drawings are not smiling! It took me a little while to notice it and then it just made me so happy. It felt like this big relief, to see these drawings of folks just doing daily stuff, or having conversations, or even interacting with loved ones and just...not always smiling. It felt so real to me.
It's also such a joy to read a self-help/advice book like this written from a queer/trans lens. Being poly or non-monogamous, having nontraditional families, valuing friendships equally to romantic relationships — all of these things are named, expected, deemed normal.
I have loved all of Bergman's previous work, and I love this one, too. What a gem. Funny and smart and so deeply kind. Bergman's tone is so inviting and so caring. Reading this book was so comforting, even when I was nodding along at hard but good advice, thinking, oh, this is something I should work on or think about. Really lovely, highly recommend.
November 8, 2022
This book explored connection with others and yourself from a deeply anti oppressive lens and had pretty illustrations. What more could you want! Felt like a hug <3
February 2, 2022
I really enjoyed reading this heartfelt book full of advice about relating with others and yourself in the most kind and most authentic way possible. The illustrations made it a quick and enjoyable read.
-Haley
-Haley
September 6, 2023
This graphic novel advice book really took me by surprise with its relevance, thoughtfulness, and usefulness. The author shares advice (with illustrations) on topics ranging from how to take criticism and compliments, how to apologize, and how to tell people things they may not want to hear. The advice is thoughtful, concise, compassionate, and realistic. The ones that stood out most to me were: "How to Give the Kind of Help that Helping's All About", "How to Avoid Getting Your Upset All Over People When You Feel Out of Control", "How to Love Someone with Your Words, Actions, and Priorities (in addition to your feelings which are I'm sure very nice)", and "How to Be Bad at Something and Do It Anyway". In the last one, the author and illustrator trade jobs, so the illustrator is giving the advice and the author drawing, which I thought was a very effective way to convey that one.
I also appreciated how inclusive the book was, with topics on how to be an ally, how to get names/pronouns right, how to make women feel more safe, how doing nothing isn't neutral. But it also includes inclusive illustrations, recognition that some advice is easier to follow or of more impact to certain people, and gives grace and understanding for when and where we might sometimes fall short.
I liked this so much that I ended up buying a copy for myself and plan on gifting to my college-aged nieces and nephews.
I also appreciated how inclusive the book was, with topics on how to be an ally, how to get names/pronouns right, how to make women feel more safe, how doing nothing isn't neutral. But it also includes inclusive illustrations, recognition that some advice is easier to follow or of more impact to certain people, and gives grace and understanding for when and where we might sometimes fall short.
I liked this so much that I ended up buying a copy for myself and plan on gifting to my college-aged nieces and nephews.
October 4, 2022
A wonderful book you can come back to, whether for good advice, the jokes, or a bit of calmness and perspective. I would call this a must-have on any human's shelf!
April 25, 2022
I LOVED THIS SO MUCH.
RTC.
RTC.
November 1, 2022
Beautiful, useful, tender, well-executed, criminally underread going by Goodreads ratings. It's a light illustrated self-help and relationship book with a QTPOC perspective that dips into tricky waters without being predominantly preachy. My main thought while reading was: I've got to get a copy of this for reference and sharing.
November 28, 2021
What a special book. This book represents a new genre for me. It’s listed as ……wait for it - graphic non-fiction/self-help/LGTBT+ studies. (So it has defied and broken my personal library classification system). While the categorization is a little bewildering, readers can safely judge this book by its cover and title. The topics are special because they deal with every-day, far-ranging wicked issues that everyone can relate to (how to have a disagreement without having a fight, how to be yourself, how to apologize). Bergman's thoughtful and practical advice that speaks to all of us are nicely coupled with Freedman-Lawson's affirming illustrations that somehow seems to capture all of us. The book is beautifully Queer -and not just because the author is. Nope. This is the kind of Queer that demands a better world with. more well-behaved and whole people who know how very much we humans need each other. The idea that we can do it on our own is a nasty lie and one that we can rectify in the way we live and show up for each other. This is the Ocean Vuong's Queer that demands "alternative innovation" and routes and insists that we ask is this not enough for me?
I want to live a world where everyone earnestly tries their very best to follow Bear's advice. It would be a kind, more inequitable world, but don't for a minute it will be easy. Bear is asking a lot of us, but that's okay because you'll know by reading it that the author asks a lot of themselves too. And that's why they give such advice. The advice points to a world where people make decisions to be more accountable, brave, and tender, taking time, patience, and insight.
A brilliant feature of the book is that each chapter ends with a one-page summary so you can easily snap a photo to make it easier to take it with you.
Very grateful for this book and have already gifted it to others.
I want to live a world where everyone earnestly tries their very best to follow Bear's advice. It would be a kind, more inequitable world, but don't for a minute it will be easy. Bear is asking a lot of us, but that's okay because you'll know by reading it that the author asks a lot of themselves too. And that's why they give such advice. The advice points to a world where people make decisions to be more accountable, brave, and tender, taking time, patience, and insight.
A brilliant feature of the book is that each chapter ends with a one-page summary so you can easily snap a photo to make it easier to take it with you.
Very grateful for this book and have already gifted it to others.
October 29, 2022
Wholesome ❤️
January 9, 2024
I really loved this book. It had nice, relevant advice, and it didn't fall into the trap of self-help books I usually see where it isn't realistic or is too preach-y. Like, I cannot change my life in a day, nor am I looking for someone to say a bunch of jargon at me to make me feel better about myself. I like how Bear's advice is small and realistic steps. It's a small mindset change, or a few steps to follow to make a big change, and focuses on compassion and acceptance. It's everything I wanted in this book and more. It also felt like a callout since the chapters were oddly specific for things I thought I was alone in (looking at you, how to do things badly).
I loved this book. It was kind, and felt like Bear was holding my hand and teaching me the ways of life and love in a supportive dad type of way. I appreciated it a lot.
I loved this book. It was kind, and felt like Bear was holding my hand and teaching me the ways of life and love in a supportive dad type of way. I appreciated it a lot.
January 24, 2022
Beautiful, beautiful. In a rare category of books that I am strongly considering buying after getting them from the library. I feel sure I will want to reread this book or share it with other people in the future.
October 19, 2022
So much of this advice was mid or actively bad please don't ask guests to fold your laundry or tell people they're happy for you that aren't or make all your apologies thinkpieces on harm you've done. I liked the illustrations and a couple individual ones.
November 7, 2021
Special Topics in Being a Human: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned the Hard Way about Caring for People, Including Myself is a graphic novel written by S. Bear Bergman and illustrated by Saul Freedman-Lawson. This delightful, neatly intersectional graphic compendium of advice tailored to a variety of situations lands as so down-to-earth that few readers will mind that it’s telling them what to do.
Bergman of the web advice column "Asking Bear," approaches his mission with humility, humor, and practicality. Each section contains numbered steps, considerations of context, and illustrations showcasing a refreshing range of human bodies. The artwork by Freedman-Lawson includes some examples drawn from the co-creators' real lives. Delivered with more than a spoonful of kindness, this medicine goes down easy and has the potential to facilitate real healing.
Special Topics in Being a Human: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned the Hard Way about Caring for People, Including Myself is written and constructed rather well. Bergman is an American trans man of Jewish heritage who has spent twenty-five years writing, performing, and educating about gender and sexuality issues, trans and Jewish experiences – simply human experiences. He might be best known for his advice column "Asking Bear," which offers more-or-less general advice but tends to favor letters focusing on minority or LGBTQ communities.
All in all, Special Topics in Being a Human: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned the Hard Way about Caring for People, Including Myself is a wonderful collection of comics that calls out social inequities and injustices in traditional advice-giving, which is generally targeted towards white, cis-gendered men.
Bergman of the web advice column "Asking Bear," approaches his mission with humility, humor, and practicality. Each section contains numbered steps, considerations of context, and illustrations showcasing a refreshing range of human bodies. The artwork by Freedman-Lawson includes some examples drawn from the co-creators' real lives. Delivered with more than a spoonful of kindness, this medicine goes down easy and has the potential to facilitate real healing.
Special Topics in Being a Human: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned the Hard Way about Caring for People, Including Myself is written and constructed rather well. Bergman is an American trans man of Jewish heritage who has spent twenty-five years writing, performing, and educating about gender and sexuality issues, trans and Jewish experiences – simply human experiences. He might be best known for his advice column "Asking Bear," which offers more-or-less general advice but tends to favor letters focusing on minority or LGBTQ communities.
All in all, Special Topics in Being a Human: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Learned the Hard Way about Caring for People, Including Myself is a wonderful collection of comics that calls out social inequities and injustices in traditional advice-giving, which is generally targeted towards white, cis-gendered men.
December 31, 2021
There's so much to love here. The illustrations, both in execution and inclusivity, are top-notch. The advice is stellar, and I appreciate Bergman's decision to include a summary at the end of each chapter, so as to more easily absorb the take-aways. Topics include a wide variety of gracious ways to handle tough situations, including breakups, furious anger (your own and other people's), and allyship / co-resistance / being an accomplice. It's a great reminder of the values most people want to live by today, and a good primer for the person who desperately wants to get with the contemporary program but was never taught how. Highly recommended for people who want to be good to themselves and other humans.
September 15, 2025
I think the main benefit of having this be in graphic novel form is that it papers over how thin this book would otherwise be. I'm not sure that having both words and pictures really added much outside of the chapter on how to be bad at things.
The advice itself would have been helpful for me at 20, but not so much me at 40+. I think I've also been reading Captain Awkward for too long, who covers a lot of the same advice ground. I am looking forward to when her book comes out as I think it will be a bit more substantial and comprehensive.
So maybe this would be worth giving to the teen or young adult, especially if they're guys. The advice is solid, just extremely basic.
The advice itself would have been helpful for me at 20, but not so much me at 40+. I think I've also been reading Captain Awkward for too long, who covers a lot of the same advice ground. I am looking forward to when her book comes out as I think it will be a bit more substantial and comprehensive.
So maybe this would be worth giving to the teen or young adult, especially if they're guys. The advice is solid, just extremely basic.
June 12, 2023
What an absolutely lovely book. Full of incredibly good advice delivered in a way that is equal parts funny, tender, and easy to remember. I love how each chapter ends with a summation of the relevant points, in a format specifically so that you can take a picture and take it with you. The illustrations are also wonderful and feature a wide range of bodies. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with this, and plan on picking up a physical copy (I read the e-book through Kobo Plus) so that I can consult it again and again.
March 17, 2023
An anti/oppressive, loving, visually pleasing how-to. My neurodivergent self finds a sense of security in these clearly mapped insights on how to make a decision or how disagree without having a fight. Thank you!
February 7, 2024
I enjoyed this book more than I initially thought I would. I thought it may be too “advice columny” before reading it, and I was wrong. It challenged me and helped me grow for myself and in allyship. I highly recommend it!
July 13, 2025
This was a truly superb graphic novel! It felt like a warm hug and a soft pat on the head <3 I got some new tips and laughed through it all. The trying new things chapter where the author and illustrator switched was so clever! Brava!
January 17, 2022
OK everyone in the world needs to read Chapter 2 (How to tell people things that they very probably won’t be happy to hear, at least at first)
August 25, 2022
Rating: 4.5 ⭐️
A nice interpersonal self help book with a focus on individuals with queer and otherwise marginalized identities. Provides clear actionable steps in an easy to digest way and with colorful pictures!
A nice interpersonal self help book with a focus on individuals with queer and otherwise marginalized identities. Provides clear actionable steps in an easy to digest way and with colorful pictures!
December 8, 2023
A literally beautiful reminder to be the best you can be. Never a bad time to read this one.
February 16, 2024
I just really loved this. Practical advice for everyday situations like navigating an argument to bigger things like being an ally to a social justice cause. It's witty and tender and something I want to lovingly hand to everyone I meet.
September 9, 2024
A good read for people who are working on things and need some gentle and kind encouragement.
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December 25, 2024Amazing stuff. Bear Bergman joins the ranks of Maia Kobabe and Sophie Lucido Johnson on my shortlist of people who have endeavored to write a graphic novel nourishing to my soul. Great, tender advice. A book I’ll be passing around to all my friends.
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March 8, 2025Impulse from library. As someone who (sometimes *too* easily) passes for being straight & healthy, and who is cis & white, I'm always looking for ways to better understand how to respect, & possibly to help, those who are more marginalized and who are vulnerable. This, unlike most of what I've read, is written to the members of the non-dominant groups, not to people like me who have it pretty easy.
And yet I found a lot of value here anyway.
How to help. "1 validate. 2 give credit. 3 problem-solve, but not too soon."
" put your correct pronouns on your e-mail signature, [online] bio, and name tag even if no one ever, ever, mispronouns you. It makes room for other people, and that's lovely."
"Talk yourself through it like a toddler.... [On hard days] I encourage myself out loud, one tiny step at a time." (I've done that occasionally my whole life, and it works!)
"Joy is incredibly restorative... and it doesn't need to be your joy...."
And yet I found a lot of value here anyway.
How to help. "1 validate. 2 give credit. 3 problem-solve, but not too soon."
" put your correct pronouns on your e-mail signature, [online] bio, and name tag even if no one ever, ever, mispronouns you. It makes room for other people, and that's lovely."
"Talk yourself through it like a toddler.... [On hard days] I encourage myself out loud, one tiny step at a time." (I've done that occasionally my whole life, and it works!)
"Joy is incredibly restorative... and it doesn't need to be your joy...."
November 13, 2023
DNF. Thoughtful, but for me, most of the recommendations require too much planning to be effective IRL. I quit on page 150.
July 20, 2022
The strength of this book is giving advice but not feeling like an advice book. There is such insightful thoughts and determined sometimes harsh calls to action. Yet the kindness and love pours from this book.
There are empowering moments of self-acceptance and coming into one's truth.
"Be specific. Don't try to speak for everyone. Just tell your truth. Your emotional truth, and people will recognize where that overlaps with their truth. They'll hear you in just the right place, and that will be where they walk into your story."
However, this book firmly does not fall into basic self-empowering mantras. It is brutally honest in the sense of forcing the reader to actually examine their individual weaknesses. But also the weaknesses of our society.
"Being yourself is not necessarily a plus and sometimes it's a huge disadvantage."
Along with the honesty, there are strategies given to combat the challenges. For example, in taking the former example of feeling your identity and being yourself is not respected (in this case at work) there are strategies given.
"Don't bring your whole self to wok, if work isn't safe for that... It definitely takes extra energy to do this (why do you think you feel so tired all the time?) but if you cannot leave the situation actually, you can remove your wholeness and give yourself a safety buffer."
I love this idea of finding ways to protect yourself in spaces that are not honouring your identity or self. Additionally, I like that this strategy is based on the idea that our full selves and expressions are gifts. And not everyone has access to them. But those who do, are valued and deserving of the gift.
There are advice panels that I will actually use in the future: for example the page on how to apologize. (say you're sorry, acknowledge the harm, attempt to remediate, say how you will try not to repeat the behaviour, invite feedback on apology).
However, this book also notes the limits of what we can (and should try and change/remediate).
" 'We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist' - Robert Jones Jr./ So if you've turned to this chapter hoping to find out how to more effectively debate assholes about queer rights or trans and nonbinary people's validity or some such, I am sorry to report that I am mostly not able to help you. My only advice is please be kinder than you want to be, but mostly to yourself'
"A further note about the devil's advocate: being able to argue dispassionately about a topic doesn't make you right, it usually means you're not directly affected. by the issues in question."
Furthermore, the artwork is stunning and compliments the words tremendously. Overall this book is tremendous. I would highly recommend it to anyone.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 127 reviews