Overcoming Emotions That Destroy: Practical Help for Those Angry Feelings That Ruin Relationships

by Chip Ingram, Becca Johnson

We all struggle with angry feelings, brought on by tension, pressure, and the blocked goals and frustrations of day-to-day life. The broken and stressed relationships that result from these feelings can overwhelm us. But now there's help. Well-known teacher and speaker Chip Ingram teams up with psychologist and author Dr. Becca Johnson in this encouraging and practical book, showing how many emotions lead to anger, and many emotions follow from it. Their message is clear: as we deal with our anger, we deal with the primary cause for all emotions that destroy. Ingram and Johnson help readers identify whether they are spewers, leakers, or stuffers. Readers also learn the difference between good and bad anger, how to gain control of their anger, and how to direct it toward constructive ends. The authors cover solid biblical principles as well as the psychological aspects of our emotions, showing readers how they can actually be a constructive tool used by God to transform lives and relationships. Counselors, pastors, and individual Christians will find this book a no-nonsense tool for handling destructive emotions in a healthy way.

Genres: Christian, Relationships, Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Emotion

275 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 2009

About the author

Chip Ingram is the teaching pastor and CEO of Living on the Edge, an international teaching and discipleship ministry. A pastor for over thirty years, Chip is the author of many books, including Culture Shock, The Real Heaven, The Real God, The Invisible War, and Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. Chip and his wife, Theresa, have four grown children and twelve grandchildren and live in California.

Reviews

[Karen Locklear · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great!

Anger is something I seriously struggle with, and that's a shocker to most people. No, I don't mean assault and battery anger; I mean more like I'm pissed at you for something stupid and in my brain I'm obsessing over it. Seriously.

I have trouble with forgiveness and I've discovered recently that because I'm nonconfrontational I don't forgive.

In this book I learned the importance of prayer and forgiveness.God commands us to forgive. Period. If you hold resentment you are not forgiving. Prayer is the key.

The other important point is that we are all human. It is important to not only forgive others but to also forgive ourselves. There is a serious connection between the two.

Another great place to read about this is the book of Romans. See 11:28-32; 33-36; 12:9-21; 14; 15.

[Gwendolyn Simonalle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actually said some innovative things about dealing with anger (such as lowering stress). Basic and often over-evangelical message, but worth a listen anyways. Would have appreciated more positive examples of women dealing with anger in healthy ways and some examples of ways anger is misused in the white American church. Appreciated that counseling was recommended; did not appreciate lack of specific and separate instructions on forgiveness by victims of abuse and violence.

[Leonetha S. Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye Opening!

I give this a five star rating for several reasons. To name a few, it is an easy read! There is not a lot of technical jargon that is hard to follow. Also, the collaboration of a licensed psychologist and Pastor makes more sense than anything. With both perspectives combined, it is apparent that our psyche is strongly based on being obedient to His Word and living a life Jesus lived.

I recommend this to anyone who finds themselves struggling with anger issues or even believes they may have a good handle on it already. I truly learned a lot about how my deeply rooted anger was negatively impacting all of my relationships like with my spouse, family members and even co-workers!

[Tony Blenman · Rating 3 out of 5]

An easy read with useful information in dealing with anger. The authors viewed people with anger issues as spewers, repressors, and another category. The material is presented from a Christian perspective, thus citations are made from the bible. The authors used self-disclosure in showing that anger can affect anyone. A quote credited to Aristotle is utilized, likewise to emphasize the prevalence of anger, and that anger should be expressed in a non-destructive manner. I like the statement presented that anger is an emotion, being neither good nor bad, therefore it should not be perceived as a sin.
Personally, the contents of the book were not revelatory, but I would still recommend it to anyone experiencing an inappropriate expression of anger.

[Al Moody · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book about how to deal with anger

I chose to read this book because I have become aware of my own struggles with anger. As I read the book, I learned about where anger comes from (the people, events and situations that cause it), and the most beneficial way to deal with the angry feelings. I enjoyed learning the specifics of where anger starts, and some ways to deal properly with anger. I enjoyed that Scripture references were included to show God's perspective on anger. I also enjoyed reading some personal accounts from the authors on how they properly and improperly handled situations and people that made them angry. In its' entirety, this book is very informational, challenging and inspirational.

[Ryan Kyle · Rating 4 out of 5]

VERY Christian book. I appreciated the spiritual insight and the lessons taught from the scriptures. There are some great perspectives on anger and why God gave it to us. Chip does a great job at communicating through his own life experience and real examples of anger. I felt I could have walked away with more actionable info, but there is true insight into how to overcome the problem of anger. I simply need listen to the book again I think.

[A.J. Mendoza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ingram is a clear writer. Great preliminary book for anyone who has never handled the topic of their own anger. Some good tips of how to recognize the source and how to navigate the anger in a way that leads to justice and positive change in this world. Would recommend.

Reading Level: High School.

Key Phrases:
- Anger
- ABCDs of anger
- Spewers, Stuffers, Leakers

[Jeffrey Bush · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy the truths and style in which Chip Ingram writes.

The book addressed anger from multiple angles. The most helpful portion to me personally, was that I should slow down and not be in a hurry. When I'm in a hurry I get mad easier. Being in a hurry comes from an attitude that I feel more important than others. Ouch! But good.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good: Lots of helpful, practical tips & a call to self-reflection.

Bad: Questionable theology at some points.

Overall: Chew the meat & spit out the bones. Would only recommend to specific people.

[Jodi Kolhoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helped me understand my reactions, how better to react and why! I highly recommend this quick read!!!! The details will jump off the page whether it applies to you or someone you know. Grab a notebook and write down ideas so in the future you can handle your situation better.

[Joanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really great book. I think all Christians should read it!
One of my biggest takeaways from the book is that anger is almost always a secondary emotion used to protect the inner, primary emotions of our heart.
5/5 stars

[Heidi Strybos · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this after it being recommended to me. It will be a great resource book in years to come

[Jean Occeus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jesus really died

It's a bittersweet pill to swallow that Jesus really died on the cross. It has me looking a Capitol punishment in a whole new way. God take my anger.

[Hampton Crawford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Read this book has helped change my perspective on anger and how to approach it. Everyone should read this book it was a blessing for me and I hope it can be for you too!

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed listening to this book. I found it insightful and look forward to Hubs reading/listening to it and us discussing it

[Myra Loy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good read with lots of practical application, but nothing so groundbreaking as to have reinvented the wheel.

[Breanna Abbott · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good. That once I finished it. I decided I am going to go back through it one on one with each of my kids.

[Kennedy S. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read! Recommended to my whole fam as a book study!!!!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who struggles with anger, this was a fantastic, practical book. It helped identify the type of anger I gravitate towards and come up with a game plan on how to "be angry and not sin". Their take on anger was refreshing and didn't shame or guilt. The book was full of scripture and Biblical truth, but also provided so many practical tips to control your anger rather than it controlling you.

[Jennah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! This book was quite amazing to read. It is an eye-opener and the title is definitly what this book is about. I never do this, but I just have to type page 120 in this review. It is so good and it definitly will show you how good this book is.

Finding Our Security

What can you do to get out of this maze? You can affirm your security in Christ. He knows each one of us individually and personally, He knows your faults, weaknesses, and insecurities yet lovea you continually and unconditionally. You can find unfailiing love, grace, and mercy in Him. Though people may speak ill of you, and though life's woes encompasses you, you can find rest in Him. He knows that we are human, prone to insecurity, pride, and probelms. Still, He loves us.
When you find your security in Christ, you're less burdened by your own failings and less bothered by what others say or do. You'll be less likely to stoop to retaliation. You'll sleep better and keep your mind filled with goodness. As we're commanded "Whatever is true whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you" (Phil. 4:4-9). It's important to be able to say to yourself, "I'm secure in Christ. What that person thinks about me is irrelevant. I'm not going to stoop to behaving like that. If I hear someone talking about me at work - or worse, at church - I won't seek revenge. If they gossip about me and say things that aren't true. I won't get out my anger weapons. I will seek to have God's loving, forgiving heart."
We can guarantee that people will attack you or let you down sometimes. We all get hurt, and we all get frustrated. Your needs and expectations will not always be met. At times you will be threatened and feel insecure. These things are a given in life. There's only one person in the entire universe who knows how to meet our needs and heal our hurts. Only one person always fulfills the expectations He has for us. And when we're feeling insecure and afraid, only one person sees all our inadequacies and imperfections and loves us still - just the way we are. That's the glory of the cross. That's the message of New Testament Christianity.

[Krista Ehlers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have long sought constructive ways to manage angry feelings - somehow, no one in my family appreciates angry explosions, and I don't blame them! However, Christian perspectives on anger seem to be insufficient: namely, that anger is some kind of sin. I have long ascribed to the fact that anger is a feeling, and what you do with it can be sin or something productive! These authors take this same general approach, defining anger as a charged, morally neutral, emotional response of protective preservation.

This books is broken into two major divisions, described below. Each chapter discusses the topic, and then summarizes with a short "bottom line" statement. Chapters conclude with questions to consider, making this an excellent book to study in a small group format. The authors group angry responses into three types of people. Once they establish these groupings, they go on to say that anger is often (or always) a secondary emotion, basically the tip of the iceberg, and our goal is to find out what is really going on below the anger, such as unmet needs or expectations, or our own hidden insecurities.

Once we have identified those feelings, we can address them directly and find that the anger has melted away, so to speak. At this point in the book, I admit to thinking, Yeah, yeah, yeah - tell me something I don't know, because I had already gotten about this far in my personal efforts. Luckily, they proceeded to do just that (tell me something I didn't know) as they moved into the second half of the book containing practical methods for coping with anger.

[Kimberly Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this- It's one of those life-changing, changing the way you think, relationship-saving books.
Everyone deals with anger, but we have to learn to be angry at the right things, at the right time, in the right ways.
This book teaches that anger is a secondary emotion, so after learning to admit when we're angry, we have to identify its root cause, think about why that cause made us feel the way we did, and determine how best to deal with it (let it go, get anger out indirectly through some kind of anger releasing activity, or deal with it directly with the person were angry at).
Chip and Becca give great practical advice for how and when to deal with anger. Following the action steps at the end of each chapter helps you to learn to deal with anger in a healthy way to heal and improve relationships.

[Nancy Bandusky · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book explains how anger is really the result of another issue (hurt feelings, unmet expectations, etc) which needs to be addressed. The authors explain the usual reactions to anger (exploding, passive/aggressive response, and denying/holding it in) - none of which are the correct response.

While their goal is to handle anger like Christ did, they admit it is not easily achieved. Forgiveness is the key - but the authors do clarify this does not mean trust is instantly restored, nor is the incident forgotten or condoned.

A useful read - along with a good boundaries book to avoid continuing to cycle through repeat offenders.

[Lisadiana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to say that I really like Chip Ingrams books. That being said, My husband and I read through this book together. One of us was brought up to believe that anger was bad. Being able to talk through that Anger isn't good or bad but just a powerful emotion enabled us to move past that and have real conversation. Conversations I believe would not have happened had we not read this book together. I believe this book should be read by EVERYONE!

Thank you Chip Ingram and Becca Johnson for taking this project on and being so willing to be transparent.

[Lisa Leung · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this book after a friend bought me a hard copy of it for my baptism. The book gave me interesting insights on how people deal with anger, and how to improve on it. A more in depth my review can be found here: http://lazyreads.com/reviews/how-can-....

[Squaresparky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book. I'm in day treatment and we talk a lot about the concepts Chip writes about in this book. if you are struggling with your emotions this is Def a book you need to read.

[Maren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book...very clear & easy to relate to. My husband and I read it together & it has lead to some amazing & eye opening conversations. Highly recommend for anyone & everyone!