To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First

by David Code

Addressing a common, destructive pattern in marriages, this guide helps couples reduce the distance in their marriage, thereby reducing the emotional baggage projected onto the children. When a marriage drifts apart, spouses tend to drift toward their children, creating an emotional burden that causes children to act out. Making children the center of family lives seems child friendly but it creates demanding, entitled children and starves the marriage of intimacy. Instructing spouses on how to identify the ways they unknowingly distance from each other this book show how to prevent the slow drift toward divorce. Putting marriage first also reduces the temptation of parents to look to the children to fulfill their intimacy needs, freeing children to grow into their own identity and learn self-reliance as they pursue their own passions. This guide helps couples balance family relationships to recapture the joy of marriage and take pride in contented, self-reliant children.

Genres: Parenting, Relationships

288 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2009

Reviews

[Melissa Crohn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book hoping to find a resource for preparing my marriage for our foray into parenting, as I am 5 months pregnant. This book is targeted towards those who already have families, but does shed some light on some attitudes that are important to maintaining a healthy marriage.

It seems to me that this book would be much more powerful for those who do not, prior to reading, "put their marriage first." I would imagine that most readers who go searching for such a book independently may already see (as I did) the value in putting marriage first, and thus the numerous examples and elaboration felt, to me, quite repetitive, where they might be an opportunity for identification and reflection for others.

The book did, however, contain enough nuggets of truth that I am glad I read it. It was interesting to consider the idea that there is a "fight or flight" response in marital conflict, and important to recognize that fighting, while it may feel awful for some, is a form of "emotional engagement" that is healthier than fleeing, which wedges distance between yourself and a partner.

The tips for a healthy marriage at the end of the book were a simplistic letdown; though I don't doubt that "walking and talking" and "mealtime routines" are indeed habits that are part of a healthy marriage, I was looking for more specific ways that my husband and I could continue to connect as we become parents vs. the norms we already know are important.

Overall, I'm glad I read the book but am hungry for a well-researched book on preparing marriages for new parenthood; there seems to be a lack of this kind of text on the market. I would love recommendations!

[Laura Derauf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tough nut to swallow

This book made me take a long hard look at myself and gives me so much more understanding and insight into my child and more importantly my marriage.

[Melissa Flores · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book but was not a fan. He puts a lot of the "blame" on mothers and their anxiety, and although he explains (multiple times) that it's not just the mothers fault, he does always point it back and the fact that mothers are kids primary care givers and therefore have the most affect on their children

[Beth Pratt · Rating 2 out of 5]

I got this book mostly on the strength of the title, which sounds like the perfect antidote to the style of parenting I think is too prevalent in our society. However, the book itself doesn't really live up to the title, dressing up a little common sense in a lot of fluff. I can only really recommend the last chapter.

[Win · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a helpful tool to understand how your roots shaped you to what you are today. The problem is I often need to re-read the examples written in the beginning, the author always refer to those examples to demonstrate the story written at the end of the book.