What do you think?
Rate this book
Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited
You are not alone!
Are YOU Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Confused and Frightened? Were you brought up by a Narcissistic or Psychopathic Parent? Married to a Narcissist or a Psychopath - or Divorcing One? Afraid your children will turn out to be narcissists or psychopaths? Want to cope with this pernicious, baffling condition?
OR: Are You a Narcissist or a Psychopath - or suspect that You may be one ...
This book will teach you how to Cope, Survive, and Protect Your Loved Ones!
"Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" is based on correspondence since 1996 with hundreds of people diagnosed with Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorders (narcissists and psychopaths) and with thousands of their suffering family members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.
The first ever book about narcissistic abuse, Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Re-Visited offers a detailed, first hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It contains new insights and an organized methodological framework. The first part of the book comprises more than 100 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) regarding relationships with abusive narcissists and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What is a personality disorder? When the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances - we say that it is disordered. Such a person takes behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from others. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated. His True Self is dilapidated and dysfunctional. Instead he has a tyrannical and delusional False Self. Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. He cannot love others because he cannot love himself. He loves his reflection, his surrogate self. And he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards, a striving, a drive at something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change cannot live.
The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take center stage, instead. The Narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the Narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of the word.
He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, the narcissist feels, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.
The posting of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited on the Web has elicited a flood of excited, sad and heart rending responses, mostly from victims of Narcissists but also from people suffering from the NPD. This is a true picture of the resulting correspondence with them.
This book is not intended to please or to entertain. NPD is a pernicious, vile and tortuous disease, which affects not only the Narcissist. It infects and forever changes people who are in daily contact with the Narcissist. In other words: it is contagious. It is my contention that Narcissism is the mental epidemic of the twentieth century, a plague to be fought by all means.
This tome is my contribution to minimizing the damages of this disorder.
Are YOU Abused? Stalked? Harassed? Victimized? Confused and Frightened? Were you brought up by a Narcissistic or Psychopathic Parent? Married to a Narcissist or a Psychopath - or Divorcing One? Afraid your children will turn out to be narcissists or psychopaths? Want to cope with this pernicious, baffling condition?
OR: Are You a Narcissist or a Psychopath - or suspect that You may be one ...
This book will teach you how to Cope, Survive, and Protect Your Loved Ones!
"Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" is based on correspondence since 1996 with hundreds of people diagnosed with Narcissistic and Antisocial Personality Disorders (narcissists and psychopaths) and with thousands of their suffering family members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.
The first ever book about narcissistic abuse, Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Re-Visited offers a detailed, first hand account of what it is like to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It contains new insights and an organized methodological framework. The first part of the book comprises more than 100 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) regarding relationships with abusive narcissists and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
What is a personality disorder? When the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances - we say that it is disordered. Such a person takes behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from others. His inner world is, so to speak, vacated. His True Self is dilapidated and dysfunctional. Instead he has a tyrannical and delusional False Self. Such a person is incapable of loving and of living. He cannot love others because he cannot love himself. He loves his reflection, his surrogate self. And he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards, a striving, a drive at something. In other words: life is change. He who cannot change cannot live.
The narcissist is an actor in a monodrama, yet forced to remain behind the scenes. The scenes take center stage, instead. The Narcissist does not cater at all to his own needs. Contrary to his reputation, the Narcissist does not "love" himself in any true sense of the word.
He feeds off other people, who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world: to reflect, to admire, to applaud, to detest - in a word, to assure him that he exists. Otherwise, the narcissist feels, they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.
The posting of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited on the Web has elicited a flood of excited, sad and heart rending responses, mostly from victims of Narcissists but also from people suffering from the NPD. This is a true picture of the resulting correspondence with them.
This book is not intended to please or to entertain. NPD is a pernicious, vile and tortuous disease, which affects not only the Narcissist. It infects and forever changes people who are in daily contact with the Narcissist. In other words: it is contagious. It is my contention that Narcissism is the mental epidemic of the twentieth century, a plague to be fought by all means.
This tome is my contribution to minimizing the damages of this disorder.
680 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1999
650 people are currently reading
3240 people want to read
About the author
Sam Vaknin
152 books231 followersSam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East, as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, international affairs, and award-winning short fiction.
He is the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com
He is the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 87 reviews
May 1, 2023
Present Without Conviction
According to Sam Vaknin, Narcissism is sort of PTSD resulting from either an extreme overvaluation or undervaluation of a person in infancy. It is an habitual adaptation that defends against the fear of emotional and physical abandonment by the parents, especially the mother. The most self-destructive and socially manifest form of Narcissism is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is defined officially by the AMA as a mental disease. Vaknin interprets the official jargon thus: ”Pathological narcissism is a lifelong pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance, and ambition.”
Malignant Self-Love is an ill-written and badly edited book (the editor is apparently the author’s wife and the book is self-published). It resembles notes in preparation for a doctoral thesis in abnormal psychology (and certainly would not be allowed to be submitted to much less approved by a review committee). The book’s main sections contain analytical extracts from professional bodies, and a curious phenomenology of the condition organised under ‘100 Frequently Asked Questions’. Many of these questions are not actually answered and the answers given are often repetitive. There are no footnotes and very few internal citations in the answers to these questions. The source of the questions themselves is unstated.
Despite its flaws, however, Malignant Self-Love is not without value. Narcissism, not COVID, is likely to be the dominant human disease of the future. The fact that it originates and proliferates in social relationships rather than viral vectors makes it harder to track and trace but easier to spread through social technology. It is also a condition which has many more variants than even widespread viral infections.
Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud in his essay “On Narcissism” in 1914. Apparently he considered the condition relatively rare. NPD was not fully defined and described until the late 1980’s. But since then it is clear that the condition is (or has become, the tense makes little difference) far more prevalent than previously realised, possibly because of its symptomatic variability and and diverse aetiology.
Each case of Narcissism could indeed be a unique manifestation of the condition, reflecting the individual circumstances which produced it. Although no epidemiological data is available today, it is likely that the disease may ultimately be more deadly than COVID, and certainly causes at least as much human misery. NPD is also incurable by any known pharmacological or other psychiatric regime.
The symptoms of the disease are becoming increasingly well known thanks to Donald Trump who has demonstrated them all publicly on a global platform for the last six years or so. As the Harvey Weinstein of Narcissism, his casual mendacity, persistent self-glorification, unashamed grandiosity, insatiable need for attention, vengefulness, and dearth of stable relationships are exposed continuously. He constitutes a sort of encyclopaedia of shared knowledge about the disease.
Trump lives off the “Narcissistic Supply” provided by his followers. He has no commitment to their political or personal issues except that through them their source as his narcissistic ‘fuel’ will be maintained. Trump is politically, intellectually, and emotionally vacuous and relies on these followers to affirm the self-image he projects to them. He needs them not primarily for electoral or commercial position but for maintaining his own identity. As Vaknin puts it rather well, Trump is “present without conviction.”
And as Vaknin also points out, “Narcissists tend to breed narcissists and perpetuate their condition.” Such breeding need not be genetic. The spreading of the disease socially is far more effective: “Some narcissists are covert, or Inverted Narcissists. As codependents, they derive their Narcissistic Supply from their relationships with classic narcissists.” Trump’s supporters are not unaware of his disorder. On the contrary, they admire it and get satisfaction from it. The level of support he receives from these people is an indication of the incidence of the disease as well as its persistence in the general population.
So while Malignant Self-Love is not a good book, it is a necessary book. It lacks the authority of a professional mental health worker and the focus of a journalist. It nevertheless exposes what may well be the real human crisis of the next century.
Postscript: Sam Vaknin is a former securities trader who was convicted of securities fraud in Israel for which he spent some years in the pokey. He is also a self-confessed Narcissist who speaks with the authority of personal experience. At several points in the text he confesses to using his own understanding of narcissism to scam similarly narcissistic investors. Who knows, the current narcissistic coalition around Trump may one day wake up to the scam they are in…. Then again…. Nah
Postscript 07/02/22: another GR reader sent me this which documents the Trumpian disordered mind: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/arc...
According to Sam Vaknin, Narcissism is sort of PTSD resulting from either an extreme overvaluation or undervaluation of a person in infancy. It is an habitual adaptation that defends against the fear of emotional and physical abandonment by the parents, especially the mother. The most self-destructive and socially manifest form of Narcissism is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is defined officially by the AMA as a mental disease. Vaknin interprets the official jargon thus: ”Pathological narcissism is a lifelong pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance, and ambition.”
Malignant Self-Love is an ill-written and badly edited book (the editor is apparently the author’s wife and the book is self-published). It resembles notes in preparation for a doctoral thesis in abnormal psychology (and certainly would not be allowed to be submitted to much less approved by a review committee). The book’s main sections contain analytical extracts from professional bodies, and a curious phenomenology of the condition organised under ‘100 Frequently Asked Questions’. Many of these questions are not actually answered and the answers given are often repetitive. There are no footnotes and very few internal citations in the answers to these questions. The source of the questions themselves is unstated.
Despite its flaws, however, Malignant Self-Love is not without value. Narcissism, not COVID, is likely to be the dominant human disease of the future. The fact that it originates and proliferates in social relationships rather than viral vectors makes it harder to track and trace but easier to spread through social technology. It is also a condition which has many more variants than even widespread viral infections.
Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud in his essay “On Narcissism” in 1914. Apparently he considered the condition relatively rare. NPD was not fully defined and described until the late 1980’s. But since then it is clear that the condition is (or has become, the tense makes little difference) far more prevalent than previously realised, possibly because of its symptomatic variability and and diverse aetiology.
Each case of Narcissism could indeed be a unique manifestation of the condition, reflecting the individual circumstances which produced it. Although no epidemiological data is available today, it is likely that the disease may ultimately be more deadly than COVID, and certainly causes at least as much human misery. NPD is also incurable by any known pharmacological or other psychiatric regime.
The symptoms of the disease are becoming increasingly well known thanks to Donald Trump who has demonstrated them all publicly on a global platform for the last six years or so. As the Harvey Weinstein of Narcissism, his casual mendacity, persistent self-glorification, unashamed grandiosity, insatiable need for attention, vengefulness, and dearth of stable relationships are exposed continuously. He constitutes a sort of encyclopaedia of shared knowledge about the disease.
Trump lives off the “Narcissistic Supply” provided by his followers. He has no commitment to their political or personal issues except that through them their source as his narcissistic ‘fuel’ will be maintained. Trump is politically, intellectually, and emotionally vacuous and relies on these followers to affirm the self-image he projects to them. He needs them not primarily for electoral or commercial position but for maintaining his own identity. As Vaknin puts it rather well, Trump is “present without conviction.”
And as Vaknin also points out, “Narcissists tend to breed narcissists and perpetuate their condition.” Such breeding need not be genetic. The spreading of the disease socially is far more effective: “Some narcissists are covert, or Inverted Narcissists. As codependents, they derive their Narcissistic Supply from their relationships with classic narcissists.” Trump’s supporters are not unaware of his disorder. On the contrary, they admire it and get satisfaction from it. The level of support he receives from these people is an indication of the incidence of the disease as well as its persistence in the general population.
So while Malignant Self-Love is not a good book, it is a necessary book. It lacks the authority of a professional mental health worker and the focus of a journalist. It nevertheless exposes what may well be the real human crisis of the next century.
Postscript: Sam Vaknin is a former securities trader who was convicted of securities fraud in Israel for which he spent some years in the pokey. He is also a self-confessed Narcissist who speaks with the authority of personal experience. At several points in the text he confesses to using his own understanding of narcissism to scam similarly narcissistic investors. Who knows, the current narcissistic coalition around Trump may one day wake up to the scam they are in…. Then again…. Nah
Postscript 07/02/22: another GR reader sent me this which documents the Trumpian disordered mind: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/arc...
September 12, 2016
The best and worst aspect of this book is that it is written by someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. As a result, while it is honest and illuminating, the writing is unnecessarily bombastic, repetitive with pages devoted to Sam's self-proclaimed achievements. This book itself, its convoluted organization, its pages dedicated to the author's resume, its choice of jargon and big words sheds more light into what NPD is all about than the content of the writing. An interesting experience altogether. This book allows me to enter the world of an NPD sufferer in more ways than one,
August 21, 2012
Sam did a magnificent job writing Malignant Self Love. To be honest the pages will mean very little to you: if you have never encountered such a personality. When you have been close to a NPD and have been touched by it. The are more than words and observations of a personality/behaviors. I recommend this book to everyone. There are more than one type of NPD and they can be quite successful. I do recommend this book to all especially late teens it can only do them good to learn of constructive behavior before they take on careers, family's, and a significant other. Once your finished reading you have to fill in the holes with healthy responses, caring touches, non self motivated motives, guiding protective actions. I am certain that the Narcissist will read it and still try to find ways to be entitled to their goals. For the people around them there is a way out. Distance, sad to say in many cases it is the only way to break the cycle. Sam has done a lot of work, putting to pen, the difficult. It will always sit on my shelf.
October 8, 2013
This text, as a book, is not nearly as compelling in its structure as it is in its contents. That said, as a psychological primer, a study of certain personality types, it has a lot to add and some very interesting views. Personally, I find the YouTube videos by Vaknin to be fascinating and would recommend watching them if this interests you. The videos add a layer of interpretive sensitivity that the book sometimes misses representing. If women are attracted to narcissists and Vaknin offers help with understanding their post-idealization experience, their devaluations, despite that it's likely Vaknin is solely after attaining narcissistic supply with either this book or those videos, I say, good for him. Explaining how psychosis or narcissism works IS community service to those average, everyday folks who haven't the slightest idea why or how people could love them and then instantly discard them. This is post-betrayal reading for anyone who needs it--and quite valid for that endeavor. I'm going to give this 4 stars not because the book is crafted like a work of literature--but because, right on, Sam Vaknin! Help people for your NS! If narcissists must pander for praise one way or the other, at least it is amply deserved when they reveal themselves so clearly and aid in interpretive arts for other human beings navigating their lives. There are far worse things a narcissist could do with his time. In fact, I think I'll give this book five stars for that reason. Five stars, Sam. Good work revealing motivations for cruelty--and how they have more to do with the narcissist than the victim. Your work, on the whole, has aided my understanding. And I'm feeling generous today. ;)
February 10, 2017
While this lengthy (600-odd pages) and expensive (this paperback retailed for around fifty bucks, and that was ten years ago) tome contains some interesting and useful info, it is buried in a book that is a pretty tough slog (due to issues of format and editing, rather than content). Vaknin writes a blog, from which much of this is compiled (I first heard about this book, in fact, on the internet, where Vaknin has a disturbingly vociferous cult). It's not actually a coherently written book, but a slapped-together compilation of internet pieces, and as a result it is often mind-numbingly repetitive and badly in need of an editor. Its author claims to be a narcissist himself and given his propensity to wallow in purple prose (kind of the equivalent of being in love with the sound of your own voice), I'm willing to believe it. At the bottom of it, much of this book is an ongoing series of sometimes seemingly random, sometimes self-contradictory, sometimes pretentious thoughts, theories and musings on narcissism. In spite of these considerable flaws, it does contain some interesting and thought-provoking content. However, for anyone with an interest in the subject of narcissism, I would definitely recommend the far more coherent Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss, over this one.
August 1, 2009
Wow, did this book hit a nerve! This is the climate of my youth, although I didn't recognize it until much later. Now I'm finding that recovering from a childhood with the parent(s) described in this book is not as easy as one might think. I keep discovering sides of myself that I never really knew how to explain. Now it all makes sense! It doesn't solve the problem, but it makes sense!
January 28, 2009
The unique aspect about this book is that it is written by someone with Narcissism. There are quite a few books about Narcissism but this one really helps you understand this disorder inside and out, probably because it is written by someone who experiences it personally. If you are involved with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this is a must-read to be able to get into their mind and know how to think. Especially if you do not have NPD, this is a must read because you will get hurt since these folks easily manipulate you. If you are highly trusting, then please DO read this book sa you are their number 1 target. THe book is written in a very unconventional way. It is not that easy to get through...and it's pretty intense. But it is very very good and I have referred to it as a resource numerous times over the years.
July 21, 2012
definitely illuminating and disconcerting...in order to heal and move on i would recommend more constructive and positive reads, like The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, The Road Less Traveled, and Eckhart Tolle's works, and a lot of self-love.
September 8, 2011
If you can tolerate the thick accent...the author has a fantastic Youtube channel which consists of him basically just reading excerpts from the book. If you have a narcissist in your life(and you do), especially a family member, I highly recommend his book AND the Youtube site...I found myself staring at the screen with my mouth open: http://www.youtube.com/user/narcissis...
March 13, 2014
What a disturbed person this author is. Steer clear. There are other books about this subject that are easier to read and much better for you.
July 7, 2012
When dealing with a narcissist never think in a human way because he is not
Every one has a normal range of self confident but when it is too high it will be a malignant narcissist.
Relationship with a narcissist is toxic, and you should run away from him.
A narcissist has a revenge in his heart and hates every body even him self
This is why he acts so weird, and when he wants something he will be too sweet until take it then will get rid of you if he feel you are not as a supply for him
He can't find the pleasure in the live but only through insult and torture people wither physically or usually psychology way.
To cope with narcissist you should to be a Masochist.
Every one has a normal range of self confident but when it is too high it will be a malignant narcissist.
Relationship with a narcissist is toxic, and you should run away from him.
A narcissist has a revenge in his heart and hates every body even him self
This is why he acts so weird, and when he wants something he will be too sweet until take it then will get rid of you if he feel you are not as a supply for him
He can't find the pleasure in the live but only through insult and torture people wither physically or usually psychology way.
To cope with narcissist you should to be a Masochist.
January 22, 2017
"Malignant Self-Love" is a detailed and all-encompassing portrait of an almost invisible disorder - at least at a superficial level. It depicts narcissism when it's already reached the state of personality disorder, the tricky thing being that narcissistic tendencies and responses are visible in each healthy individual, manifested in milder forms - self-worth, self-appreciation, self-respect. When these feelings go rampant, over extended periods of time, or used abusively as coping mechanisms, they can reach the point of trapping the Self in the cage of a tyrannical and neurotic False Self, presumably with little chance of escape. Sam Vaknin builds a monument dedicated to the NPD, based on authentic testimonies from actual narcissists and their peers, exposing in meticulous detail all the gruesome facets of the damaged personality and breeding pity and hopelessness towards it.
I couldn't appreciate the tone of this book and the outlook it throws on the disease. The author bears narcissistic tendencies himself, and that's easily visible both in the haughty vocabulary and the pompous CV at the book's end. While there's lengthy effort to describe all the manifestations, inner workings and implications of the narcissistic personality disorder, there's little interest in putting it all in some sort of approachable structure that would lead to healing it. Therapy is often times presented as a futile attempt - the narcissist will do his best to dominate the therapist and dismiss each attempt to break his patterns. Too little emphasis is put on the dim chance of improving the narcissist's condition, versus the garrulous description of its inflated ego and the plea sent to all his close ones to shut him down and save themselves. While it may bear insightful fruit for a scholar, a dedicated clinician, or someone's that's simply fed up with a narcissist in their life and looks at running away as the single resolve, this tome leans more towards presenting the disorder more like a full-fledged horror story, fatalistic and self-fulfilling, rather than a tackable problem.
To be ingested with many a grain of salt.
I couldn't appreciate the tone of this book and the outlook it throws on the disease. The author bears narcissistic tendencies himself, and that's easily visible both in the haughty vocabulary and the pompous CV at the book's end. While there's lengthy effort to describe all the manifestations, inner workings and implications of the narcissistic personality disorder, there's little interest in putting it all in some sort of approachable structure that would lead to healing it. Therapy is often times presented as a futile attempt - the narcissist will do his best to dominate the therapist and dismiss each attempt to break his patterns. Too little emphasis is put on the dim chance of improving the narcissist's condition, versus the garrulous description of its inflated ego and the plea sent to all his close ones to shut him down and save themselves. While it may bear insightful fruit for a scholar, a dedicated clinician, or someone's that's simply fed up with a narcissist in their life and looks at running away as the single resolve, this tome leans more towards presenting the disorder more like a full-fledged horror story, fatalistic and self-fulfilling, rather than a tackable problem.
To be ingested with many a grain of salt.
March 23, 2021
Sam Vaknin is an invaluable living phenomenon for the psychological community. His profound knowledge of the subject matter and highly developed self-awareness for a person with the NPD combined with extreme honesty and courage to share his conditions and experiences allow clinical psychologists and healthy people living with narcissists to understand the nature of NPD people.
We can see their wounded children peeking from behind their False-Selves, their destructive hate, envy and aggression that they unconsciously direct to themselves and people around them, we can feel their anxiety, recognize their projections, manipulations and lies but can't put a finger on the problem. In his books and videos, Sam Vaknin puts his research of NPD people into a well-organized structure, revealing the unconscious motives behind the behavior of these people.
Many modern "coaches" and "gurus" tend to demonize NPD people, taking the side of the victims to sell them online products and therapy sessions. What makes Sam Vaknin's work stand out is that he dives deep into the root causes of the disorder, describes their defense mechanisms that define their perception distortions and inconsistent Jekyll-and-Hyde behavior.
I also recommend watching his YouTube video 'How I experience my narcissism: aware, not healed'. It's a unique confession and one of the best contributions made to the study of narcissistic personality disorder.
We can see their wounded children peeking from behind their False-Selves, their destructive hate, envy and aggression that they unconsciously direct to themselves and people around them, we can feel their anxiety, recognize their projections, manipulations and lies but can't put a finger on the problem. In his books and videos, Sam Vaknin puts his research of NPD people into a well-organized structure, revealing the unconscious motives behind the behavior of these people.
Many modern "coaches" and "gurus" tend to demonize NPD people, taking the side of the victims to sell them online products and therapy sessions. What makes Sam Vaknin's work stand out is that he dives deep into the root causes of the disorder, describes their defense mechanisms that define their perception distortions and inconsistent Jekyll-and-Hyde behavior.
I also recommend watching his YouTube video 'How I experience my narcissism: aware, not healed'. It's a unique confession and one of the best contributions made to the study of narcissistic personality disorder.
August 10, 2012
I considered this book a self-help for me. I found myself in a work-situation, or one might say culture, that I often would refer to as a "Narcissistic Camp" This book helped me understand the pathological thinking of the brutality I was undergoing. My mind did not think in that capacity, so reading this aided me to self-defense. Highly recommended for anyone in a narcissistic situation.
May 15, 2018
Regretfully, I have to say it wasn’t by choice I came across this book. How it came to be in my reader marked a dark time in my life not too long ago: I was abandoned by advisory staff, stalked at my college campus, and ultimately left to my own devices with no aid or recourse. This ensued early on in my degree programme amidst countless postponements or no-replies from my supervisor which substantially delayed my project and resulted in my paying out of pocket for an extra term to consolidate the inaction.
I’m recounting this because Vaknin was one of the few people who returned my messages. Here I am, a complete stranger albeit scholar, reaching out to him and he manages to not only respond but recommend further reading to help me along—which is more than supervisory staff has done to date. Which isn’t to say this review is solely a reflection of Vaknin’s character. The subject of narcissism became a central aspect to my project after I’d combed through a literature review; however, narcissism isn’t just narcissism. There are vast dimensions to it: subtypes, motifs, pathologies.
Self-Love is a comprehensive, profound lanyard in navigating the scope of narcissism and narcissists. It’s not addled with difficult jargon or inside references exclusive to experts. It’s clear, concise, and makes you critically consider the nuances of narcissism beyond vain caricatures. Vaknin was kind enough to expound upon inverted narcissism which multiple references within and beyond this book (of his own writing).
Vaknin’s understanding of “malignancy” here is crucial here since it not only establishes, but consistently explains how and why narcissism is detrimental to self-concept, solidarity, and lack thereof—which ensues in a distortion of reality, emotional stuntedness, etc. The thing about Vaknin though is that he explains this all in accessible language the average person can understand. He references things that I’ve come across in gibberish, classic psychoanalytic texts, and it makes perfect sense. I even see the deluged, overcomplicated diction in contemporary work; which brings me back to this book to regroup and recalibrate.
Anyway, my hat is off to Vaknin for this indispensable insight which has proven substantive for my own scholarship.
I’m recounting this because Vaknin was one of the few people who returned my messages. Here I am, a complete stranger albeit scholar, reaching out to him and he manages to not only respond but recommend further reading to help me along—which is more than supervisory staff has done to date. Which isn’t to say this review is solely a reflection of Vaknin’s character. The subject of narcissism became a central aspect to my project after I’d combed through a literature review; however, narcissism isn’t just narcissism. There are vast dimensions to it: subtypes, motifs, pathologies.
Self-Love is a comprehensive, profound lanyard in navigating the scope of narcissism and narcissists. It’s not addled with difficult jargon or inside references exclusive to experts. It’s clear, concise, and makes you critically consider the nuances of narcissism beyond vain caricatures. Vaknin was kind enough to expound upon inverted narcissism which multiple references within and beyond this book (of his own writing).
Vaknin’s understanding of “malignancy” here is crucial here since it not only establishes, but consistently explains how and why narcissism is detrimental to self-concept, solidarity, and lack thereof—which ensues in a distortion of reality, emotional stuntedness, etc. The thing about Vaknin though is that he explains this all in accessible language the average person can understand. He references things that I’ve come across in gibberish, classic psychoanalytic texts, and it makes perfect sense. I even see the deluged, overcomplicated diction in contemporary work; which brings me back to this book to regroup and recalibrate.
Anyway, my hat is off to Vaknin for this indispensable insight which has proven substantive for my own scholarship.
September 17, 2020
Do not waste your time reading this book. The author:
- Consistently confuses the general case with his own specific case.
- Employs a dizzying array of technical and pseudo-technical terms, including invention of a large number of acronyms, where none are required.
- Mixes his own poor and incomplete 'summaries' of psychological theory with his own musings of alternatives, which he blends in and presents as if they were equally credible.
- Changes category orders and makes incomplete and varying references to different category sets, while presuming to synthesize various category sets into a universal set of categories, which he never does.
- Brings in every other possible psychological condition. Narcissists are also: psychopaths, paranoid, hypochondriacs, depressive, bipolar, hyper sexual, asexual, compulsive, high achieving, low achieving, wealthy and stable, poor and iterant, monogamous, polyamorous, sadistic, masochist, explosive, passive-aggressive, hoarders, minimalist, stingy, generous, etc etc. This is the narcissist horoscope: sufficiently ambiguous so as to be everything to everyone.
This book is only 15% book, the rest is a "faq". And what a "faq" it is! If faqs on gender and sexual orientation weren't such superficial pastiches of dated "men are from mars" 'insights' they would be offensive. But it is hard to be offended by writing this idiotic. Don't waste your time.
- Consistently confuses the general case with his own specific case.
- Employs a dizzying array of technical and pseudo-technical terms, including invention of a large number of acronyms, where none are required.
- Mixes his own poor and incomplete 'summaries' of psychological theory with his own musings of alternatives, which he blends in and presents as if they were equally credible.
- Changes category orders and makes incomplete and varying references to different category sets, while presuming to synthesize various category sets into a universal set of categories, which he never does.
- Brings in every other possible psychological condition. Narcissists are also: psychopaths, paranoid, hypochondriacs, depressive, bipolar, hyper sexual, asexual, compulsive, high achieving, low achieving, wealthy and stable, poor and iterant, monogamous, polyamorous, sadistic, masochist, explosive, passive-aggressive, hoarders, minimalist, stingy, generous, etc etc. This is the narcissist horoscope: sufficiently ambiguous so as to be everything to everyone.
This book is only 15% book, the rest is a "faq". And what a "faq" it is! If faqs on gender and sexual orientation weren't such superficial pastiches of dated "men are from mars" 'insights' they would be offensive. But it is hard to be offended by writing this idiotic. Don't waste your time.
March 10, 2015
An entire world of understanding is offered by this unique book.
It not only speaks with authority and knowledge about the challenge and
heartbreak of Narcissistic Personality Disorder but to the narcissism inherent in the human personality itself.
How do we live and hold our own reality against the powerful invasion and
control of the dangerous Narcissists in our path while understanding the selfishness in our own minds?
Armed with this book one can understand and protect oneself. Groundbreaking in its understanding
and clarity, Vaknin, a brilliant self-proclaimed Narcissist turns his own pain into both art and science. I love this book and it's really more than a book.
For me it is a balance pole on the tightrope walk of life. I keep it under my bed so when the darkness of human exploitation gets to me or the behavior of family members starts to get unbearable, I can get it out and understand the impact of taking in those people who can never love unselfishly.
January 15, 2015
Written by an extremely self aware narcissist and renowned expert on narcissism, Malignant Self Love author Sam Vaknin helps you understand narcissism from the inside out. How to tell if you're a narcissist, what caused it, how to tell if you're the victim of a narcissist and what in you allowed that to happen and perpetuate, how to cope with a narcissist if you absolutely have to, and how curable is narcissism are all questions well addressed in the book. He also touches on paedophilia and often related personality disorders like BPD and the aspects of narcissism within them. This is a bible of sorts on narcissism. Loved it!
April 16, 2020
Very interesting read. A pompous one too, written by a self-professed narcissist who feeds his ego by seemingly helping victims of abuse. Could personally relate to a lot of the things he describes but I rather not be too verbose here lest I be guilty of the same things I accuse him of. Abuse survivors, who plan on reading this: Make sure you know your language or you'd just be subjected to another form of what narcissists are extremely good at- asserting their superiority.
November 9, 2010
Wow! Excellent information for anyone who has one of these in their lives--in their family, at work, etc. I was amazed at how many personality traits and behaviors I recognized in those I know who suffer with this (more than I'd like). It is helpful to understand what their motivations are rather than just being hurt or angry with them all the time.
November 11, 2024
In hindsight I think most content about Narcissism is fear mongering and pop psychology, so in a way I regret reading this book. I have a problem with the way the cultural idea of 'The Narcissist' is supposed to be this universal concept, yet entire books and youtube channels are dedicated to describing the minutia of their behavior and how to deal with it with immense specificity. At some point you have to wonder if you are dealing someone with a pathological disorder, or just an asshole. Messaging like this only serves to make people more paranoid and distrusting of others. However, the way Vaknin describes Narcissism is really captivating. Much of this book is repetitive, but there are some really interesting passages here, though their validity is disputable.
June 9, 2021
In all honesty, this was one of the hardest books I have ever read. In general, Narcissism is not a pleasant reality as anyone who has dealt with full-fledged cases of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) knows only too well, and I would not say that Sam Vaknin has sugarcoated the reality. The book is not without its merits, however. Mr. Vaknin does a superb job describing the symptoms, origins, and minutest details of the complex phenomenon; if anything, this book is extremely helpful as a form of shock treatment to open the eyes of any unwary naïve individual who could be considering entering into a highly unbalanced relationship with a person suffering from NPD. The book could also open the potential victim’s eyes to the problem itself and help restore a modicum of sanity to his or her life as the realization awakens that he or she is not to blame for the Narcissist’s projective blame game and abhorrent demeaning behavior. Nonetheless, I see two serious flaws with the book. 1. It is verbose and repetitious in the extreme… it could have been written in half the size and still fulfilled its purpose. 2. It offers no real hope of healing… this is a more serious flaw for a Christian. Narcissism is a sickness and not an identity… while it is quite true that you can’t rescue a Narcissist (Lord, help those who try!), below the surface lies a person of inestimable worth—a beloved son or daughter of God. If psychology falls short in offering the solution, theology does not. The solution is for the narcissist to convert… to suffer his internal violence rather than harm others, to forgo the drug of narcissistic supply, to live outside of the false self, to live virtue, and to do the ordinary with love. In the words of a preacher from Galilee: “Repent and believe in the gospel!” Eventually, peace will be restored.
May 9, 2021
Comprehensive, all round narcissism for people who are not dummies but intelligent and need to understand indepth
By his own admission, this chap has narcissistic personality disorder or narcissism, but is self-aware rather than cured. I think this works very much to the author’s advantage as he is certainly very well read (one cannot help but think he has read everything of scientific merit there is available on narcissism including fiction, poetry and so on).
He combines his knowledge of the scientific literature and data very well with what feels like at times, how it feels to the various types of narcissist, internally. It is uncanny how personal it feels, not personality the author all the time, but he clearly uses at least cognitive empathy to express what is going on internally for a somatic narcissist for example.
He knows his sh!t put crudely.
I am normally repelled a little at least by a narcissistic personality but he keeps a lid on that in his videos, jottings and writing. He is actually very engaging.
His CV is very long but impressive, although HR hat on, I would be asking about his commitment to the job seeing as he’s moved a lot and never quite settled it seems. Ants in his pants perhaps. I almost feel slightly sorry for him if he’s never quite been able to settle for a while, we all need a breather. Fascinating he now has a therapist/partner who appears very empathic and they seem happy together. That’s what makes this author fascinating and compelling. If you want to know what it’s like to be a full on, real deal narcissist, it seems sensible to listen to a well published, academically minded self aware narcissist.
By his own admission, this chap has narcissistic personality disorder or narcissism, but is self-aware rather than cured. I think this works very much to the author’s advantage as he is certainly very well read (one cannot help but think he has read everything of scientific merit there is available on narcissism including fiction, poetry and so on).
He combines his knowledge of the scientific literature and data very well with what feels like at times, how it feels to the various types of narcissist, internally. It is uncanny how personal it feels, not personality the author all the time, but he clearly uses at least cognitive empathy to express what is going on internally for a somatic narcissist for example.
He knows his sh!t put crudely.
I am normally repelled a little at least by a narcissistic personality but he keeps a lid on that in his videos, jottings and writing. He is actually very engaging.
His CV is very long but impressive, although HR hat on, I would be asking about his commitment to the job seeing as he’s moved a lot and never quite settled it seems. Ants in his pants perhaps. I almost feel slightly sorry for him if he’s never quite been able to settle for a while, we all need a breather. Fascinating he now has a therapist/partner who appears very empathic and they seem happy together. That’s what makes this author fascinating and compelling. If you want to know what it’s like to be a full on, real deal narcissist, it seems sensible to listen to a well published, academically minded self aware narcissist.
January 5, 2025
This is a review of Sam Vaknin’s study of Narcissism, “Malignant Self Love”. If you care to delve deeply into the dark and dreary world of narcissism, this book is a feast. Vaknin describes the inner landscape of the mind as, “Hostile, barren, a wasteland”. In unhealthy narcissism, “There is a pathetic lack of self awareness. What substitutes for this deficit is confabulation. That is “convoluted and self serving rationalities which substitute for genuine and sincere examination of the evidence. For example, a disordered family member recently admonished me for declaring, innocently, that he mistook one cousin for his brother. My comment was, “See, this is Robert and this is Michael”. In a robust denial of the photo, this observer responded, “All you people care about is evidence. Evidence doesn’t matter to me at all. I know from deep within me, who is who and what is what”. Is this an example of grandiosity or mistaken identity? If you’re not sure, this book is a must read.
Why is a false self, false? What makes a real person, real? Is malignant self love really about love? Vaknin does an awesome job articulating and elaborating the paradox of personality disorders.
Why is a false self, false? What makes a real person, real? Is malignant self love really about love? Vaknin does an awesome job articulating and elaborating the paradox of personality disorders.
September 9, 2025
“But as you pointed out, the narcissist would always prefer his invented self to the true one. I could not make him see that his real self was far more interesting & enchanting than his grotesque inflated grandiose superman construct. I think it is a tragic loss of a truly interesting & talented human being.”
Wow. This quote defines what living / interacting with someone who has NPD is truly like. Unless you’ve regrettably experienced this firsthand, it’s almost beyond description - but Vaknin (who, in my opinion, is the authority on dark triad personalities) does a great job of explaining. He doesn’t sugarcoat & tells the reader hard truths, which I appreciate. Malignant Self-Love is an important & validating read for those who have unfortunately found themselves close to a narcissist. To mirror what many reviewers have said, I just wish I’d had access to this information & insight sooner.
Wow. This quote defines what living / interacting with someone who has NPD is truly like. Unless you’ve regrettably experienced this firsthand, it’s almost beyond description - but Vaknin (who, in my opinion, is the authority on dark triad personalities) does a great job of explaining. He doesn’t sugarcoat & tells the reader hard truths, which I appreciate. Malignant Self-Love is an important & validating read for those who have unfortunately found themselves close to a narcissist. To mirror what many reviewers have said, I just wish I’d had access to this information & insight sooner.
March 5, 2021
Sam is king about narcissism. He doesn’t tell you want you want to hear, he tells you the truth, he’ll get you over this black hole of narcissism that every other author tries to suck you deeper into. Inform yourself and move on. That’s his message. Shut up and listen to the man, he is a scholar and your the student. Every other YouTube sensation is only trying to make money off you and make you feel more scared. They have zero credibility to inform. This man tells you how to move on. if he offends you, your just a little bitch that wants to be identified as a victim. Everyone wants to feel like a victim these days. Pretty soon there will be a personality disorder called victim Identity disorder.
May 30, 2022
Take your time with this and let it sink in! Incredible, eye-opening work that I keep returning to again and again.
If you ever have an experience and think "What the duck was that?!"
Every person should read this book; this should be your Psych Bible for Cluster B.
If you have or know someone whom has been in an abusive relationship - you need to read this.
If you have or know someone in a coercive or manipulative relationship - you need to read this.
If you have ever been unfairly targeted (at work or otherwise) - you need to read this.
If you ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach when in the presence of someone that you "just can't put your finger on it", or "something is *off* or *funny* " -- YOU NEED TO READ THIS.
If you ever have an experience and think "What the duck was that?!"
Every person should read this book; this should be your Psych Bible for Cluster B.
If you have or know someone whom has been in an abusive relationship - you need to read this.
If you have or know someone in a coercive or manipulative relationship - you need to read this.
If you have ever been unfairly targeted (at work or otherwise) - you need to read this.
If you ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach when in the presence of someone that you "just can't put your finger on it", or "something is *off* or *funny* " -- YOU NEED TO READ THIS.
May 9, 2014
Vaknin's research and analysis of narcissism does what many researchers or doctors have failed to accurately address. He divides the narcissism into somatic and cerebral, then further explains the difference between "covert narcissism" and grandiose "full-blown" narcissism. Much of modern media or contemporary research has settled with narcissism being full-blown, depicting narcissists as being insufferable and forever alone: Vaknin breaks through the stereotypes and paradigms and offers a holistic analysis of each aspect of narcissism, and explores certain difficulties narcissists themselves face. Excellent publication!
March 4, 2023
I didn't appreciate the diagnosis saying battered women or women who are in relationships w narcissistic abusive men, are hysterical or masochistic or tend to have bipolar or borderline and LIKE to stay in harmful relationships or seek out abusive relationships. And the diagnosing gay people as well. Felt EXTREMELY misogynistic and homophobic. Would expect that by a diagnosed narcissist who wrote this book. Besides those things, the book was all over the place and used unnecessary and misplaced large words that made overall writing sound egotistical. Sounded like random ramblings from a crazy person.
November 30, 2014
Reading this book was a shock and a revelation to me, because of the instant recognition of almost every single trait he describes, and my own reactions to them. Finding out that things that hurt and confused were done on purpose and without a care is infuriating and painful, but it's better to know the truth and move on. Knowing that it's an incurable mental illness doesn't in any way bring out any sympathy in me though, and no inclination to ever forgive. It's chilling to know that you allowed such a creature to get close enough to do so much damage.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 87 reviews