Old Probability; Perhaps Rain - Perhaps Not

by Josh Billings

This historic book may have numerous typos and missing text. Purchasers can download a free scanned copy of the original book (without typos) from the publisher. Not indexed. Not illustrated. 1879 ...He derived hiz name from hiz grate ability tew conquer mush and milk. Titus Odistes, a celebrated writer in thoze days, sez he haz known him tew eat a potash kittle ov puddin and milk, at one sitting. I kant state whether this iz sutch or not, for i never met Mushanmilk personally. He died previous tew mi birth. Titus Odistes also sez, that Mushanmilk had a very sweet disposishun, how sweet, he dont tell us, but from what i kno ov the latter-day saints, amung the Billings family, it couldn't hav bin quite up tew the best brand ov Nu Orleans mollassiss. He waz sed tew be number One in modesty, and sitch like, but this dont exackly conspire with what i know ov the Billings'es. Cheeck haz alwus been reckoned amung our virtews. In taking a square look bak upon mi ansesstors, i find that they were rather a thin set. I find that their ambishun waz the result ov vanity. Their honesty the effekt ov edukashun. Their charity, the luv ov novelty. Their philosophy, able tew bear the stummukake ov others with heroik fortitude, but not worth a kuss in their own; and their virteus generally, more the growth ov their pride than ov their humility. What a pitty! Echo answers, "Jiss so." Man iz an angleworm. He iz. Verily. MORAL. Thare aint to-day, so just a vittle, Az mush, --rite hot, from out the kittle. % D.--Dont menshun it; mum iz the word. Star ov buty, the goose hangeth hi Lover. % Sweetness.--Virtew iz her own cashier; the violet iz blu; the racoon haz a bushy tail; man waz made tew mourn; meet me at the pea-nut stand. Harrold. % Spongkake.--Dost luv me? The kold moon listened when yu breathed a vow in Bridget Costello's ear; dont go back on me Patrik, if thou dost, be jabbers i will hav satisiackshun. Bridget. V Bill Mustach.--Dont put on airs; how about th...

38 pages, Paperback

First published July 27, 2015

About the author

Josh Billings was the pen name of humorist born Henry Wheeler Shaw. He was perhaps the second most famous humor writer and lecturer in the United States in the second half of the 19th century after Mark Twain, although his reputation has not fared so well with later generations.