Intimate Allies: Rediscovering God's Design for Marriage and Becoming Soul Mates for Life

by Dan B. Allender

In Intimate Allies, counselor Dan Allender and theologian Tremper Longman III merge their minds and skills to strip away cultural expectations and takes a fresh look at God's design for the marriage relationship. The authors focus on five foundations taken from Genesis 1-3 and include an extensive review of other biblical passages on marriage. Each section begins with a real-life story concerning an unresolved marriage issue and concludes with the same story built on the “foundation” of a godly marriage. With eloquence and wisdom, Intimate Allies will challenge readers to move their marriages out of the mundane and into the fulfilling and enriching experiences God intended.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Christian, Relationships, Christian Living, Counselling, Psychology

400 pages, Paperback

First published October 28, 1995

About the author

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

Reviews

[James Holt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Allender and Longman describe life as a spiritual battle, and they encourage couples to see their marriage as a tool to fight that battle. That tool is properly maintained when couples honestly examine the identity, expectations, commitment, communication and sin within their marriage. It's a good message, and it is well illustrated by hypothetical case studies illustrating each point.

Unfortunately, the message is also easily lost in the delivery. In an attempt to thoroughly explain their ideas, the writers resort to repetition, resulting in confusing redundancy and making for a very slow read. Some proper editing could have cut this book in half without losing any of the main ideas.

It's unfortunate when a book stands in its own way to delivering a decent message.

[John Warren Antalika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though unmarried, I think this is one of the best books on marriage particularly because it is based upon a Biblical Theology which many books on marriage omit. There is the theme of and the recognition of the Fall, Promise, Redemption and Restoration throughout the book. The Book essentially is how to live the Christian Life as a married couple as they both look forward to the restoration namely the New Heaven and New Earth.
Many singles do not have this Biblical Theology in mind when they enter relationships. This is a great book to prepare them for marriage.

[Erika Stuart · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Intimate Allies” is one of those books to keep on your bedside table for daily guidance and inspiration.

This is my second time to read this novel and I must admit that I’m looking forward to our next encounter. Highly recommend!

[Shaun · Rating 5 out of 5]

So far, so GREAT!

Finally finished this one. Was it good? Nope. It was GREAT and should be mandatory reading for ALL married couples regardless of faith. It would quickly put me -- a family law lawyer -- out of business if this book was read and heeded by ALL. And, frankly, that would not be a bad development in this ol' pirate's eyes. Rock on , me hardies! It's a GREAT life; whether you're married or not!

[Annie Black · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 - Fortifying for me in my vision for marriage. I appreciated the deep dive on theological truths about marriage and how God intends us to use it for His glory. Aside from disagreeing with their interpretation of Romans 5, I resonated with their ideas and view of scripture. Cringe fictional examples are kind of expected in books on marriage, but theirs were mostly helpful in communicating ideas and application.

[Matt · Rating 3 out of 5]

I started reading this book over 6 years ago, about 2.5 years into marriage. My wife went to a Christian college, and this was a text book for one of her classes. She mentioned that she enjoyed this book, and I like reading marriage and family books, so I decided to check it out. There was some good information inside, but something about this book made it hard for me to come back to. I'd put it down, and not pick it up again for months. I'm not sure if it is the information itself, or how the information is presented, but for whatever reason, I just could not get through this book very easily.

My favorite thing about reading this book was seeing the sections that the 20-year-old version of my wife chose to underline, highlight, or star. I was able to see what sections resonated to her, and learn what she believed she would value in marriage. For example, here is a good quote that she put a star next to, which comes towards the end of the book:

"A successful marriage is one in which two broken and forgiving people stay committed to one another in a sacrificial relationship in the face of life's chaos. We are intimate allies in the war. We rejoice together in our victories and cry together as we encounter setbacks. But even in the setbacks, we can have joy because we know that the final victory is ours" (Page 347).

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are few books I love about marriage. This is one (Keller’s being the other).

A deep dive into marriage and Scripture. It cover a ton of ground and is so level headed and clear. Allender is great at framing the issues of spirituality and understanding sin and redemption. I’m not sure many can do it with ad much sympathy and kindness either.

The section on sex and the section on submission are highlights. Especially with the delicate nature submission often takes in the current culture, they do a great job working through Scripture‘s calls for each spouse.

It is lengthy though. It desperately needs some editing. I’m not sure the case studies surrounding the sections works either. I found myself skipping through some sections that felt repetitive.

[Joe Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yep, 5 stars. So many of the theological and philosophical pieces about marriage are woven into this book. Those pieces also pressed me to wonder about other areas of marriage which this books responds too. The authors bookend each section with relatable case studies which make it a practical read. I would recommend the content of this book as essential to premarital and marriage counseling and discipleship.

[Mark Dorn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Comprehensive book, sweeping in nature about the high calling - and sometimes profound challenges - of living out a growing and intimate marriage. I definitely appreciated the authors' casting marriage as an opportunity to be allies in fulfilling God's purposes. Written quite early in Dan Allender's writing career, it may not have the depth and wisdom of his later books, but definitely a strong volume to consider for Christian marriage.

[Evan Hoekzema · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was good, but it’s not one of my favorite marriage books ever written. It describes how a husband and wife can best team up together in life and enhance one another’s mission in Christ. One of my favorite quotes, “I must learn what it means to draw out my wife’s uniqueness, to draw her to live out God’s glory in a way that no one else can or should do.” (p. 45)

[Tyler Thomas (Pages of Light) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptional book for any couples who engaged or already married. I also think this would be great for single people to help you understand God's design for marriage and how our relationship with our spouse is an echo of God's relationship with the church.

[Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

USA inferences/marriages

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wanted to give up on this book several times but I am glad I powered through. Some stuff I had heard before but also provided a unique perspective on marriage in this book.

[Calley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful overall, arguably a little presumptive and obtuse in some places.

[Brooke West · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm really glad I read this. It gave me new perspective on my marriage and God's intention for it. I enjoyed the layout of the book and the balance of stories and Scripture, in addition to the candid conversation. Highly recommend it.

[Kelly Schulz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I stumbled upon this title through Timothy Keller's quotation of these authors in his book, "the meaning of marriage".
I deeply appreciated the depth of wisdom and insight, both theological and practical, in this book. God's original design, redeemed through the gospel, sparkles on every page!
The authors use of fictional scenarios to set the stage for each section was helpful and engaging.
I heartily echoed the truth proclaimed throughout the pages of this book until right at the end where the authors use the epilogue to expound the future grace of heaven's glorification in our intimate fellowship with the Lord and one another. Their speculative application of how human sexuality will find glorification in eternity, especially in quoting Lewis Smedes on page 361, was not well grounded in scripture, and I found to be distracting at best, certainly unnecessary and tasting of error. At the same time, it would not hinder me from highly recommending this book with a word of caution over the epilogue.

[Kathryn, the_naptime_reader · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to preface my rating and review by saying my first encounter with Dr. Allender was at a marriage conference my then boyfriend and I attended at our church. Much of the material in this book was covered at the conference. I found Dr. Allender to be a way more engaging speaker than a writer. So if given the option, I would go to hear him in person, over reading his book. However, if you haven't had any exposure, than this book is very interesting. My husband and I spent a lot of time while we were dating and engaged doing "work" on our relationship. I found his insight into the leave, cleave, and weave aspects of marriage very interesting, informative, and helpful for framing conversation amongst ourselves. A good book for those getting married or who are married.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have heard wonderful things about Dan Allender and had the chance to see him speak recently. After hearing him I quickly made a list of all the books of his I was eager to read. I recently just finsihed this one. Although I am not married my boyfriend took a strong interest in the book as well and is planning to read it now that I have finsihed. I read some of the parts aloud to him which sparked some very wondeful intreging conversations between the two of us. Although it took me awhile to read, and I felt it was quite wordy at times, I would still highly recommend this to any couple, married or not, having trouble or doing just fine. It is insightful and pushes you to dig deeper into your own spirituality to connect closer with your partner.

[Francesca · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to this book because I liked the idea of Dan Allender, a counselor and Trember Longman,a theologian coming together to write a book on marriage. The idea of the book was good, each section had a "case study" (which I believe were true stores) followed by several chapters discussing the presenting problem/marriage relationship. However, although this book had discussion questions at the end of every chapter the length of the sections made it difficult to facilitate a small group discussion week after week. I would not recommend this book for a small group discussion purpose, but was a great read for a couple to do together.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are so many good books on marriage that picking up another requires something special, but a strong endorsement from a trusted mentor and Allender's name on the jacket were enough for me. So glad I read it.

The book is strong throughout, but distinguishes itself particularly in two areas: first, in its helpful framework of the shared vocation of humans (dominion) as fulfilled by husband and wife; and second, in its helpful exploration of complementarity that both strengthens and challenges a traditional complementarian framework.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Strong theology throughout. This is not a practical marriage book, but it gets you to think about marriage in a fresh way. Every point is supported by scripture. And not just the passages you kind of expect, such as Genesis and Song of Solomon. This one goes deep into the Psalms, Ecclesiastes, Hosea, Ruth, and Esther for a very gospel-centered theology of marriage. A great book for a Christian couple maybe 5-10 years into marriage. Would go in a different direction for a young or engaged couple or one that is maybe not as familiar with Scripture.

[Tricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very thorough theological study of how the Bible says we were created to relate to one another in our marriages. We read a few sections out loud to each other once a week, which was quite the commitment. It may be better to read on your own, but come together to read the questions. The questions were good for us- we were opening up about things we haven't discussed before and for the most part, they were questions designed to focus on your own individual part instead of attacking the other. Not a light read.

[Kate Davis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful in some areas (the snippets of "real" couples are especially helpful), but theologically problematic (including homophobic).

For Allender's class Marriage & Family. At least I have the chance to ask him some questions.

[Rich · Rating 4 out of 5]

i recommend this to couples I meet with for marriage counseling

[Cary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful (and different) view of marriage.

Let me just say that Allender gets 5 stars from me everytime.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book by a psychologist and a biblical scholar. I would recommend it to those who are married or are getting married. Full of good insights from the biblical text.

[Byron Harrison]

R

[J · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not the usual marriage study book. Fresh insights.

[Justin Woodall · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book for premarital counseling.

[G Walker · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very good helpful book. Nothing earth shattering, but still fundamentally very good and helpful for those who will genuinely engage. Good stuff.