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Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
With his characteristic warmth and humor, Dr. Kevin Leman offers a practical guide to sex according to God's plan. This frank and practical book is a perfect resource for married and engaged couples. Dr. Leman addresses a wide spectrum of people, from those with no sexual experiences to those with past sexual problems or even abuse. Using frank descriptions, this book has a warm and friendly tone that will help couples overcome awkwardness in discussing an issue important to all married couples.
256 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2002
783 people are currently reading
5484 people want to read
About the author
Kevin Leman
220 books380 followersDr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 464 reviews
May 11, 2007
This book was recommended to Eric and I when we were in pre-marital counciling. It has a good bit of advice and information on sex, which was helpful for both of us. It gave some general information on what to expect when you first have sex and things like that as well as information on sex within marraige and how that works, advice, tips and so on.
Pros-- gave us some good "what to expect" info for our wedding night, had some fun creative ideas to use in the bedroom, Eric related well to the information pertaining to men.
Cons-- This book is written by an old guy. his wife is clearly an extremely concervative woman (he says at one point in the book that his wife showered in clothing on their honeymoon because she was embarrassed to show her body--and her husband wasn't even in the shower with her!), who I honestly could not relate to on very many levels, especially sexually. Because of this much of the author's advice for women is "suck it up and let your man hump you a couple times a week". The way he spoke to women is a bit offensive because of his tendency to assume we have the sex drive of a stump.
Pros-- gave us some good "what to expect" info for our wedding night, had some fun creative ideas to use in the bedroom, Eric related well to the information pertaining to men.
Cons-- This book is written by an old guy. his wife is clearly an extremely concervative woman (he says at one point in the book that his wife showered in clothing on their honeymoon because she was embarrassed to show her body--and her husband wasn't even in the shower with her!), who I honestly could not relate to on very many levels, especially sexually. Because of this much of the author's advice for women is "suck it up and let your man hump you a couple times a week". The way he spoke to women is a bit offensive because of his tendency to assume we have the sex drive of a stump.
July 19, 2017
Dr. Leman and Mr. Happy can have each other! This book was extremely anti-female. Most of the time is spent explaining how sex is the wife's duty. The worst bit was on page 28 where Dr. Leman tells the readers that abused women rush into marriage to escape the need to have sex and that it is the husband that suffers. "The man who really loves the woman is the one who winds up getting stiffed." Seriously?!
Patriarchal bullshit!
Patriarchal bullshit!
May 16, 2010
"Mr. Happy"? Seriously? If I could give it zero stars, I would. Sexism (from a religious perspective) to the extreme.
July 5, 2012
I'm generally not inclined to read books related to marriage, and then certainly not inclined to share with others if I do. Heaven forbid someone judge my marriage by a book I read and invent some problems that don't exist. But, here's the deal, I read books about parenting all the time. I don't read them because I'm having a problem or think I'm a bad mom, I just want to be better. And so it is with marriage, I have a great one, but maybe I can be an even better wife if I think about it half as much as I think about being a mom.
On to the book. It was GREAT. The beginning chapters gave so many words to complicated issues I didn't know how to voice before. There are psychological reasons to abstain from sex before marriage. I wish this is how more adults (especially at church) would have approached the subject of sex with me as a teenager. This is how I will approach talking to my teens about sex. I also appreciated that Leman took a psychological approach to the subject: why we do and don't do things, rather than a sensational how to approach. I really learned a lot about my marriage. I didn't always agree with what he said, but at the end of the day I'm glad I read the book. I wish I would have had it when I was first married. There are a lot of things that we don't talk about in a conservative Christian culture that leave lots of couples with lots of unnecessary questions. Leman attacks the ambiguity head on and addresses issues in a way that doesn't make you feel dirty for having read it.
On to the book. It was GREAT. The beginning chapters gave so many words to complicated issues I didn't know how to voice before. There are psychological reasons to abstain from sex before marriage. I wish this is how more adults (especially at church) would have approached the subject of sex with me as a teenager. This is how I will approach talking to my teens about sex. I also appreciated that Leman took a psychological approach to the subject: why we do and don't do things, rather than a sensational how to approach. I really learned a lot about my marriage. I didn't always agree with what he said, but at the end of the day I'm glad I read the book. I wish I would have had it when I was first married. There are a lot of things that we don't talk about in a conservative Christian culture that leave lots of couples with lots of unnecessary questions. Leman attacks the ambiguity head on and addresses issues in a way that doesn't make you feel dirty for having read it.
February 4, 2020
Being a believer myself, I did not enjoy this book whatsoever. Leman (I won't due him the justice of calling him Dr.) comes at the subject of sex in a very frustrating manner. Reading some of the other comments, I agree that he does not approach the topic of sex from the female perspective in a proper light. I actually became physically frustrated when reading the section talking about women of sexual abuse. Being a "psychologist" I would expect more than what was given on this topic. He clearly does not understand the mental barriers created by such horrific acts and acts as though women of abuse need to grin and bear while they learn how to mentally cope with what they have experienced. On top of that, he seems to assume that all men are idiots who only think in terms of sex. He seems to think that men are just little snowflakes who can't be turned down for sex ever, because then their marriage will come crashing down. What I wish I could tell him is that maybe those men need to suck it up buttercup every once in a while and be a man, which means accepting that you can't always get what you want when you want it. I also felt like the book was filled with ambiguous anecdotes which were actually clever disguises for his own personal experiences that he didn't want to label. I grew tired of hearing about his personal sex life and how proud he is of being blunt. All in all, this book was ridiculous. You could find any of the "helpful tips" in a variety of other titles. What frustrates me more, is that I really think this book does damage to Christian couples in teaching this skewed thinking.
July 12, 2022
This was my second time reading through this book. I definitely got more out of it the second time.
I read some reviews written by women that think the author is tough on them or unfair towards women in general. I didn't get that idea. Yes, he may spend more time talking to wives in this one but I've been told his other book (Sex Begins in the Kitchen) is the opposite and definitely more for the men. Also, make sure you read the whole book from start to finish - the Q&A section in the back is very helpful.
I don't agree with everything, but this is definitely one of my favorite books on this highly personal topic 😉
I read some reviews written by women that think the author is tough on them or unfair towards women in general. I didn't get that idea. Yes, he may spend more time talking to wives in this one but I've been told his other book (Sex Begins in the Kitchen) is the opposite and definitely more for the men. Also, make sure you read the whole book from start to finish - the Q&A section in the back is very helpful.
I don't agree with everything, but this is definitely one of my favorite books on this highly personal topic 😉
April 8, 2022
This book makes me angry. It was so full of chauvinistic ideas. Dr. Leman says in so many ways that it's a wife's Christian duty to have sex with her husband even if she doesn't feel like it and she isn't following the commitment of her vows if she doesn't give it to him regularly. Um, I don't recall saying that in my vows.
May 15, 2008
Sheet Music is a fun and frank book about sex as God intended it to be, dispelling any preconceived notions that sex is immoral (at least in the context of a monogamous marriage). I won't dive into too much detail in my review of the book--for mine and my husband's sake, as well as yours--but overall, I'm glad my husband and I read it together.
Sheet Music was written by Dr. Kevin Leman, a psychologist that deals with marriage and family issues. He is very much a man's man, which shows through in his writing; for example, there are numerous references to sports and fishing and cars, which I found irrelevant. In general, though, he writes in good (though sometimes seemingly tactless) humor. But when writing a book on a subject such as sex, humor can be quite helpful.
One of the main points Leman makes in Sheet Music is that sex is an all-day affair, meaning it's more than the act itself--it's also about the everyday interactions between a husband and wife. It's about looking for creative ways to communicate love both inside and outside of the bedroom. Instead of teaching sex "by-the-book," Sheet Music encourages and equips couples to be creative, composing their own music. And like Song of Songs in the Bible, it can be a beautiful symphony.
Sheet Music was written by Dr. Kevin Leman, a psychologist that deals with marriage and family issues. He is very much a man's man, which shows through in his writing; for example, there are numerous references to sports and fishing and cars, which I found irrelevant. In general, though, he writes in good (though sometimes seemingly tactless) humor. But when writing a book on a subject such as sex, humor can be quite helpful.
One of the main points Leman makes in Sheet Music is that sex is an all-day affair, meaning it's more than the act itself--it's also about the everyday interactions between a husband and wife. It's about looking for creative ways to communicate love both inside and outside of the bedroom. Instead of teaching sex "by-the-book," Sheet Music encourages and equips couples to be creative, composing their own music. And like Song of Songs in the Bible, it can be a beautiful symphony.
January 19, 2018
Strange read. Was recommended to my husband and I in counseling, along with some other books. While I see what this author/doctor is trying to do, it’s very one-sided, and with the inclination that all women are like his wife. And really, I had a very hard time when I read that it’s the woman’s duty to satisfy her husband even if she doesn’t want to because “otherwise he may go astray”. Sooooo if I’m not in the mood, then my hubby will have an affair, and it’s my fault? This line confused me, and not only insulted and demeaned me, but if my husband read that, he’d be just as insulted to read that the author thinks that not only does he have the potential to cheat, but that that’s all it would take for him to cheat. This along with the hints that women who were abused as children don’t make good wives, it was a very narrow minded read. if anyone is able to clear it up, please do, I’m open to other opinions, but as a Christian woman in a Christian marriage, I don’t agree with this book, and overall, it was a very uncomfortable to read.
September 21, 2015
5 Stars.
Doctor Kevin Leman is absolutely hilarious. You *will* laugh, as well as learn. And this book was one of the best - if not THE best - book on the topic. Sad as it is, few authors have the guts to come at this topic with appropriate openness as well as a Christian world view.
I appreciated Leman's openness and his sensitivity to a wide range of readers. Whether you've made mistakes or if a conservative upbringing has made you feel scared or "dirty" for even thinking about God's beautiful gift of intimacy, this book is sure to target just about everyone's needs. I was personally thrilled that it was up-to-date (unlike many Christian marriage books!) and was accurate in portraying both men and women's feelings. It was not sexist, nor unrealistic. It portrayed marriage as it should be - a mutual desire to please and love each other without self-seeking attitudes. It was very helpful in showing how men and women think differently and how to respond to those different outlooks with mutual respect and kindness. I especially appreciated the sections for women.
If you are engaged to be married, a newlywed, or even married for years, this book is a must-read. For the unmarried, I only recommend it after engagement. And Leman recommends only reading part of the book before marriage.
Highly recommended to engaged and marriage couples. Definite Christian and Biblical worldview. I also recommend his book "Turning Up the Heat".
Doctor Kevin Leman is absolutely hilarious. You *will* laugh, as well as learn. And this book was one of the best - if not THE best - book on the topic. Sad as it is, few authors have the guts to come at this topic with appropriate openness as well as a Christian world view.
I appreciated Leman's openness and his sensitivity to a wide range of readers. Whether you've made mistakes or if a conservative upbringing has made you feel scared or "dirty" for even thinking about God's beautiful gift of intimacy, this book is sure to target just about everyone's needs. I was personally thrilled that it was up-to-date (unlike many Christian marriage books!) and was accurate in portraying both men and women's feelings. It was not sexist, nor unrealistic. It portrayed marriage as it should be - a mutual desire to please and love each other without self-seeking attitudes. It was very helpful in showing how men and women think differently and how to respond to those different outlooks with mutual respect and kindness. I especially appreciated the sections for women.
If you are engaged to be married, a newlywed, or even married for years, this book is a must-read. For the unmarried, I only recommend it after engagement. And Leman recommends only reading part of the book before marriage.
Highly recommended to engaged and marriage couples. Definite Christian and Biblical worldview. I also recommend his book "Turning Up the Heat".
May 4, 2016
I'm not a evangdlical believer so I found the Christian caution to be off putting. The guy is writing about sex, but he is also a Christian. He does not want people that are not married and having exclusive marital sex, to have his sex secrets. He doesn't want non married people read something wild like, the woman can be on top, because he is afraid this will so inflame the non married that they will be driven to have sex before marriage. He has things in the book like, Don't you dare read the next two chapters unless you are married and your bride is within striking distance. If you are an up tight Christian prude about to be married, or if you are a fundamentalist Christian about to be married and clueless about marrital sex, then this is the perfect book for you.
May 20, 2023
Wow.
Oh, how I wish I'd read this book before I got married. I think it would have spared us both a lot of needless confusion, frustration, and unspoken expectations.
This book captured me almost immediately. The straightforward masculine viewpoint of the psychologist/author was refreshing rather than clinical. And while his perspective is a decidedly Christian one, his style is humorously candid and unabashed. His simple, conversational approach makes for fast and easy reading--though, I found myself stopping every 20-25 pages to better digest the information and consider the parallels and applications to my own marriage and behaviors. (I've been married almost 10 years, and this book still gave us plenty to talk about. Okay, so it wasn't all talking... >.>)
The author is cognizant of his own inherent gender bias, yet remains balanced in his back and forth to both men and women--calling them out in their common misconceptions and mis-contributions. "I don't know how many women I have gently chided with the words, 'Please don't fault your husband for being a man.'" -- "Don't use your marriage and your wife's commitment as an excuse to become a lazy lover; use it as motivation to become an expert in bed." Dr. Leman might understand women better than any man I've ever come across. (And I don't say that lightly.)
As he states in the Note to the Reader, the book is meant to expand and challenge people's thinking on sex. "Instead of a how-to-do-it manual, it's more of do-it-yourself look at why and how to do it better." It didn't feel as though it necessarily needed to be read in chapter order, but the information does build on itself--with the beginning chapters applicable to both married and engaged couples (in a sort of pre-marital counseling format.).
Favorite Quotes:
*"Sex begins in the kitchen--it's an all-day affair."
*"Just about anybody can "biologically" perform the act of sexual intercourse, just as any five-year-old can make a peanut-butter sandwich. But if you want a gourmet meal, you need to find a chef."
*"One of the most loving and holy things you can do in marriage is to provide a sexually fulfilling pursuit of your husband or wife."
*"Great marital sex is about learning to love someone else the way he or she wants to be loved."
*"The best position is no substitute for a healthy relationship. ...Sex is about the quality of your entire love life, not the intricate alignment of your bodies."
Oh, how I wish I'd read this book before I got married. I think it would have spared us both a lot of needless confusion, frustration, and unspoken expectations.
This book captured me almost immediately. The straightforward masculine viewpoint of the psychologist/author was refreshing rather than clinical. And while his perspective is a decidedly Christian one, his style is humorously candid and unabashed. His simple, conversational approach makes for fast and easy reading--though, I found myself stopping every 20-25 pages to better digest the information and consider the parallels and applications to my own marriage and behaviors. (I've been married almost 10 years, and this book still gave us plenty to talk about. Okay, so it wasn't all talking... >.>)
The author is cognizant of his own inherent gender bias, yet remains balanced in his back and forth to both men and women--calling them out in their common misconceptions and mis-contributions. "I don't know how many women I have gently chided with the words, 'Please don't fault your husband for being a man.'" -- "Don't use your marriage and your wife's commitment as an excuse to become a lazy lover; use it as motivation to become an expert in bed." Dr. Leman might understand women better than any man I've ever come across. (And I don't say that lightly.)
As he states in the Note to the Reader, the book is meant to expand and challenge people's thinking on sex. "Instead of a how-to-do-it manual, it's more of do-it-yourself look at why and how to do it better." It didn't feel as though it necessarily needed to be read in chapter order, but the information does build on itself--with the beginning chapters applicable to both married and engaged couples (in a sort of pre-marital counseling format.).
Favorite Quotes:
*"Sex begins in the kitchen--it's an all-day affair."
*"Just about anybody can "biologically" perform the act of sexual intercourse, just as any five-year-old can make a peanut-butter sandwich. But if you want a gourmet meal, you need to find a chef."
*"One of the most loving and holy things you can do in marriage is to provide a sexually fulfilling pursuit of your husband or wife."
*"Great marital sex is about learning to love someone else the way he or she wants to be loved."
*"The best position is no substitute for a healthy relationship. ...Sex is about the quality of your entire love life, not the intricate alignment of your bodies."
May 19, 2010
A very frank and insightful look at relationships in general and marital sexual relationships in particular. I don't want to go into too much detail given the graphic nature of the book, but I do want to mention a few things.
This book is faith based more than anything else. I found that to be very refreshing and made it easier to wade through some of the more 'direct' parts of the book.
I found that Dr. Leman's insights into the male psyche and needs, desires, etc were spot on. This led me to the conclusion that his observations and conclusions about the female psyche weren't too far off either. This was an eye opener for me. Gave me some great insights into my wife's mindset.
Dr. Leman's discussions on the differences in approaches to sex between men and women were very helpful. I especially liked when he listed a bunch of things that men do wrong. (I must point out that I found several of my habits listed) Realizing what I was doing compared to what my wife desired was a wake up call for me.
I have implemented several of Dr. Leman's suggestions (with more to come) with more than satisfactory results. In fact, I have received 'rave reviews'. One of these made me laugh, it was, "what book did you read??!?!?" Hahaha. I just smiled knowingly. LOL
I have been married for nearly 12 years and with the same woman for 16 years and I learned quite a bit from this book. I highly recommend it to married couples, engaged couples, and couples in general really.
Read it. You won't be disappointed. My wife wasn't! LOL
This book is faith based more than anything else. I found that to be very refreshing and made it easier to wade through some of the more 'direct' parts of the book.
I found that Dr. Leman's insights into the male psyche and needs, desires, etc were spot on. This led me to the conclusion that his observations and conclusions about the female psyche weren't too far off either. This was an eye opener for me. Gave me some great insights into my wife's mindset.
Dr. Leman's discussions on the differences in approaches to sex between men and women were very helpful. I especially liked when he listed a bunch of things that men do wrong. (I must point out that I found several of my habits listed) Realizing what I was doing compared to what my wife desired was a wake up call for me.
I have implemented several of Dr. Leman's suggestions (with more to come) with more than satisfactory results. In fact, I have received 'rave reviews'. One of these made me laugh, it was, "what book did you read??!?!?" Hahaha. I just smiled knowingly. LOL
I have been married for nearly 12 years and with the same woman for 16 years and I learned quite a bit from this book. I highly recommend it to married couples, engaged couples, and couples in general really.
Read it. You won't be disappointed. My wife wasn't! LOL
February 23, 2011
I really enjoyed parts of this book. As a married woman I didn't really need to read much about what to expect on your wedding night, etc. but what I really thought was interesting was how the author went into how a man's mind works as well as how a woman's mind works and how that relates to sex for each gender. It is also nice that it comes from a Christian point of view and the author uses scripture when talking about important points. I would recommend this book for any married/engaged couple.
March 26, 2018
This is by far the worst book I was ever forced to read by the church. Completely sexist and really lame. If your love life is so lame that you need to read a book to learn about lingerie, then I feel really sorry for you.
June 8, 2011
Even though I disobeyed the author and read the whole book (not just the first four chapters) before I got married, I have to say that there's nothing shocking here. While this is a book that addresses sex from a "Christian" perspective (that is, it stresses that sex is supposed to be saved for marriage, that God made sex, etc.), Dr. Leman still bases the majority of the text on credible psychology, not the Bible, which I respected him for a LOT. The book wasn't preachy at all and was very accessible. I really liked his attitude toward the place sex should have in a relationship, which is to say that it is PART of that relationship, not a separate entity, and that whatever else is happening in the relationship does affect it. He's sensitive to both women's and men's sexual needs and encourages understanding between the sexes. And although his attitude toward sex is quite progressive (basically, it's ALL good, acceptable, etc., as long as it's between spouses), there are times when this book feels as if it's being written for HIS generation, people my parents' age, and not mine. A few cases in point:
1) The assumption is that women are generally resistant to sex and do it "just" to please their husbands. I feel like a lot of women a generation older than me approached sex this way, but I don't know a ton of modern young women who do. I certainly don't!
2) The fixation on sexual hang-ups that seem kind of "old school," such as women having trouble orgasming, men orgasming too soon, etc. There wasn't a lot of exploration of all the nuances of potential sexual difficulties, just coverage of what are the basic, stereotypical sexual "dysfunctions" in men and women.
Some of the stuff he said about women was on-target, but a lot of it didn't pertain to me at all (see old-school references above), which DID make me question how accurate his blanket statements about men were. Luckily, the book also stresses uniqueness and communication, so that couples will (hopefully) take the time to find out which "generalizations" might apply to their partner, and which are way off. I also really liked that he addressed the issue of body image in women, with appropriate blame attributed to the unrealistic expectations of our culture. I wish he also would have addressed pornography at greater length, as that also really plays into both male and female insecurity about sex and is so ubiquitous that there are probably few sexual relationships in which the issue hasn't been raised in one way or another. Perhaps his main blind spot is in assuming that all men are as good-hearted as he is.
1) The assumption is that women are generally resistant to sex and do it "just" to please their husbands. I feel like a lot of women a generation older than me approached sex this way, but I don't know a ton of modern young women who do. I certainly don't!
2) The fixation on sexual hang-ups that seem kind of "old school," such as women having trouble orgasming, men orgasming too soon, etc. There wasn't a lot of exploration of all the nuances of potential sexual difficulties, just coverage of what are the basic, stereotypical sexual "dysfunctions" in men and women.
Some of the stuff he said about women was on-target, but a lot of it didn't pertain to me at all (see old-school references above), which DID make me question how accurate his blanket statements about men were. Luckily, the book also stresses uniqueness and communication, so that couples will (hopefully) take the time to find out which "generalizations" might apply to their partner, and which are way off. I also really liked that he addressed the issue of body image in women, with appropriate blame attributed to the unrealistic expectations of our culture. I wish he also would have addressed pornography at greater length, as that also really plays into both male and female insecurity about sex and is so ubiquitous that there are probably few sexual relationships in which the issue hasn't been raised in one way or another. Perhaps his main blind spot is in assuming that all men are as good-hearted as he is.
February 27, 2010
You never can assume that we Christians know anything about sex, and this book doesn't. Lehman does well to take on the arbitrarily conservative views of sex espoused by, I dunno, someone probably. There's some theological import to opposing the concept of creating rules for yourself, only to enslave yourself to them for no particular reason (see Galatians), but I wouldn't look for this book to be any deeper than a how to book for naive people.
A few things to look out for:
It's awkward when a 60+ year old guy describes his sexual appetite toward his wife, particularly when he refers to his penis as Mr Happy.
Speaking of which, why no pet name for Mrs Happy? How about petunia, that's my vote.
I'm not a woman, but if I were, I would have been mildly insulted by his portrayal of me. One of the other commenters made a good observation - the main piece of advice for women is to suck it up (I mean that figuratively, but I suppose he uses it literally as well) and let your husband hump you a few times a week. I'm not saying it's bad advice, it's just a little too pervasive.
Sometimes it feels like the biblical references are in there so that it can be sold at Christian bookstores - it's definitely not opposed to Christian thought, but sometimes it feels like he's just tossing a few bones to keep himself on the Christian shelf. Because let's face it, we'd be embarrassed to buy "The Idiot's Guide to Sex" without claiming some sort of religious exemption.
Be ready to have your husband quote snippets of the book to you when he's not getting his way. If I had any foresight, I would have highlighted a few sections for future weaponization.
All told, it's not a bad book.
A few things to look out for:
It's awkward when a 60+ year old guy describes his sexual appetite toward his wife, particularly when he refers to his penis as Mr Happy.
Speaking of which, why no pet name for Mrs Happy? How about petunia, that's my vote.
I'm not a woman, but if I were, I would have been mildly insulted by his portrayal of me. One of the other commenters made a good observation - the main piece of advice for women is to suck it up (I mean that figuratively, but I suppose he uses it literally as well) and let your husband hump you a few times a week. I'm not saying it's bad advice, it's just a little too pervasive.
Sometimes it feels like the biblical references are in there so that it can be sold at Christian bookstores - it's definitely not opposed to Christian thought, but sometimes it feels like he's just tossing a few bones to keep himself on the Christian shelf. Because let's face it, we'd be embarrassed to buy "The Idiot's Guide to Sex" without claiming some sort of religious exemption.
Be ready to have your husband quote snippets of the book to you when he's not getting his way. If I had any foresight, I would have highlighted a few sections for future weaponization.
All told, it's not a bad book.
March 5, 2017
I wanted to read this book because it was being discussed on a blog I follow. I gave it a 2 because it was entertaining - some of the stories he told made me giggle a few times so it was a good read from that standpoint. However, it didn't really have a lot of new information. I also had a big problem with a lot of what this author said. In my humble opinion, his pre-marital preparation recommendations are off the mark. He also oversimplifies a lot of things, brushes over the woman's point of view, and comes across as a little pompous in places.
September 4, 2012
I wish I'd read this book when we were starting our marriage. Dr. Leman is very straight-forward, which not all personalities will appreciate, and he takes a stand on a controversial issue I'm sure not all Believers will agree with. But the book is full of straight-up truths and nuggets of really good information. This is an encouraging book for married couples, or those moving toward marriage.
.
.
February 21, 2021
As much as Leman writes good books, I found it to be over & over primarily always eyes on the woman. I'd like to see the same book written by a woman. Also he makes a few jokes which are very strange coming from an old man...
June 4, 2012
Kevin needs to keep his religion to himself and out of the bedroom. Almost tricked me into feeling guilty about not being married.
September 4, 2025
highly recommend for any married couple (or engaged couple under marriage counseling).
I think it is safe to say a large percentage of people enter into marriage with emotional baggage and unrealistic expectations. This could be attributed to past abuse, religious upbringing, Hollywood movies, porn, or a combination of things. What if both partners have contrasting insecurities and expectations? Our Christian circles have traditionally put a taboo on discussing sexual matters and couples are left to stumble through marriage in trial and error.
This book very clearly lays out differences in male and female sexual expectations and realities. Many hit home, and I found myself wishing I'd had this book years ago. Definitely going to help my kids when they prepare for marriage to be more informed and even take some preventative actions (like a simple GYN visit before marriage, to easily avoid years of physical pain? who would have thought).
Definitely read with an open mind and I think you'll find help. Obviously everything won't apply to everyone. and no one's going to agree with everything in the book. 15 years ago I would have dismissed the author as a patronizing pervert, but some years of marriage have softened my naivety and helped me to see that the perspective of men really is different from ours. There were parts too, where I felt relief in realizing that I'm actually a typical woman in some things that I thought were wrong with me.
Yes, the tone is cheesy and the author is such a boomer. Some parts are cringy. But if we are going to start opening up the conversation about important stuff like this, I think this book is a great starting point and a helpful basis for starting our kids out right.
Content considerations:
adults only. very detailed and explicit information. Christian oriented.
p. s. if anyone can point me in the way of another book that can give realistic expectations for a girl to have of what a man's actual physical needs are, give realistic expectations for a boy to have of what a woman's actual emotional needs are, and all that without referring to Mr Happy, I will gladly knock a star off this review.
I think it is safe to say a large percentage of people enter into marriage with emotional baggage and unrealistic expectations. This could be attributed to past abuse, religious upbringing, Hollywood movies, porn, or a combination of things. What if both partners have contrasting insecurities and expectations? Our Christian circles have traditionally put a taboo on discussing sexual matters and couples are left to stumble through marriage in trial and error.
This book very clearly lays out differences in male and female sexual expectations and realities. Many hit home, and I found myself wishing I'd had this book years ago. Definitely going to help my kids when they prepare for marriage to be more informed and even take some preventative actions (like a simple GYN visit before marriage, to easily avoid years of physical pain? who would have thought).
Definitely read with an open mind and I think you'll find help. Obviously everything won't apply to everyone. and no one's going to agree with everything in the book. 15 years ago I would have dismissed the author as a patronizing pervert, but some years of marriage have softened my naivety and helped me to see that the perspective of men really is different from ours. There were parts too, where I felt relief in realizing that I'm actually a typical woman in some things that I thought were wrong with me.
Yes, the tone is cheesy and the author is such a boomer. Some parts are cringy. But if we are going to start opening up the conversation about important stuff like this, I think this book is a great starting point and a helpful basis for starting our kids out right.
Content considerations:
adults only. very detailed and explicit information. Christian oriented.
p. s. if anyone can point me in the way of another book that can give realistic expectations for a girl to have of what a man's actual physical needs are, give realistic expectations for a boy to have of what a woman's actual emotional needs are, and all that without referring to Mr Happy, I will gladly knock a star off this review.
November 17, 2025
Cons: The writing is pretty cheesy. I wasn’t a fan of everything the author said (I didn’t expect to agree with everything). In particular, I didn’t appreciate some of his comments regarding responsibility being on women for their husband’s lack of faithfulness. For example, he says a woman needs to understand that “her lack of spontaneity may be boring her husband right into the arms of another woman”. I think each spouse should strive to do what is right and it’s never in any way justified if a husband (or wife) chooses to be unfaithful.
Pros: overall a good, informative read. The author covers a lot of important topics and for the most part he seems pretty well balanced with his takes on the various issues. A useful read; I’d just recommend taking the good information from it and ignoring what isn’t helpful to you.
Pros: overall a good, informative read. The author covers a lot of important topics and for the most part he seems pretty well balanced with his takes on the various issues. A useful read; I’d just recommend taking the good information from it and ignoring what isn’t helpful to you.
April 6, 2017
A very useful book for all engaged or married couples. Leman is not ashamed to talk about sexual intimacy and share aspects from his own marriage, which help readers understand sexual intimacy. I read this book during my engagement and found it very helpful for getting myself prepared for marriage and sex. Now that I am married, I have come to see just how useful this book has been. Leman focuses a lot on honesty and working hard to know and understand your spouse so that you both can enjoy intimacy. I appreciated his emphasis on the fact that it is going to be different for each person and thus that what other people enjoy or he and his wife enjoy may not be something that readers will enjoy. Hence why he puts a lot of emphasis on knowing your spouse. Leman is honest and frank about everything and doesn't beat around the bush. While others may not be comfortable with that, I did not mind it in the slightest and actually found it quite helpful.
The only thing I disagreed with was that Leman was okay with masturbation and even suggested it in certain cases. While he is definitely against masturbation to porn or lust and says it is only okay in specific circumstances, I still think it is wrong in all circumstances.
Nonetheless, this is a must read for every engaged or married couple. It will help engaged couples prepare themselves for the wedding night and will help married couples improve their marriage and sex life.
The only thing I disagreed with was that Leman was okay with masturbation and even suggested it in certain cases. While he is definitely against masturbation to porn or lust and says it is only okay in specific circumstances, I still think it is wrong in all circumstances.
Nonetheless, this is a must read for every engaged or married couple. It will help engaged couples prepare themselves for the wedding night and will help married couples improve their marriage and sex life.
April 28, 2019
Recommended in premarital counseling. Appalled at how terrible it was--I've never left a one-star review on a book.
Please, please don't waste your time--Leman takes a decidedly pointed approach to his explanation of how women bear the weight of keeping husbands sexually satisfied (not a balance of the two), and if they don't, straying can be expected, etc. Oh! And that if husbands are sexually satisfied, they'll ultimately do better at work, be better fathers,
Furthermore, I was offended by the black-and-white viewpoint he assigns to male thinking and expectations of sex. He portrays the male sex as a pool of universally carnal cavemen, and doesn't allow room for individual perspectives. Let us not leave out the emphatic emphasis on lingerie! lingerie! lingerie! and prolific usage of childish metaphors and lingo ("Mr. Happy and his full salute"? Really?).
I felt the book was quite sexist, archaic in perspective, and overall a ridiculously disappointing approach to marital expectations.
Please, please don't waste your time--Leman takes a decidedly pointed approach to his explanation of how women bear the weight of keeping husbands sexually satisfied (not a balance of the two), and if they don't, straying can be expected, etc. Oh! And that if husbands are sexually satisfied, they'll ultimately do better at work, be better fathers,
Furthermore, I was offended by the black-and-white viewpoint he assigns to male thinking and expectations of sex. He portrays the male sex as a pool of universally carnal cavemen, and doesn't allow room for individual perspectives. Let us not leave out the emphatic emphasis on lingerie! lingerie! lingerie! and prolific usage of childish metaphors and lingo ("Mr. Happy and his full salute"? Really?).
I felt the book was quite sexist, archaic in perspective, and overall a ridiculously disappointing approach to marital expectations.
May 26, 2010
This was a very frank, very descriptive book about the joys of sex between a husband and a wife. Dr. Leman's insights into women are pretty accurate (he pretty much had me pegged on several things), and it was interesting to read his insights into men as well. This was a freebie from Amazon for the Kindle that I "bought" and I'm very glad I did. As soon as I finished, I suggested that my husband read it as well. I wish we'd found this book earlier, to be honest!
As he recommends in the book, the early chapters are okay for engaged couples. But because the latter part of the book is very descriptive, it's best saved for the honeymoon or for already-married couples. He writes as a Christian psychologist and so the Bible is the backbone of this book. (If you don't think God wants married couples to have an exciting, pleasurable sex life, you've never read Song of Songs, an actual book of the Bible!)
As he recommends in the book, the early chapters are okay for engaged couples. But because the latter part of the book is very descriptive, it's best saved for the honeymoon or for already-married couples. He writes as a Christian psychologist and so the Bible is the backbone of this book. (If you don't think God wants married couples to have an exciting, pleasurable sex life, you've never read Song of Songs, an actual book of the Bible!)
April 23, 2020
I hated it. Someone told me to read this for a class I was taking and I want to burn this book .
I had to put it down. Skipped ahead to the women only chapter and wanted to punch him.
IT'S NOT A GOOD BOOK! He thinks woman's ONE job is to "meet her man's needs" but what about HER needs???
He completely disregards women as human being with their own needs and their own moods. If a woman isn't in the mood, she shouldn't be forced into it. (Oh the amount of anger I have right now...I want to throw the book at him....)
The author is full of crap. He thinks he's all that and all high and mighty....but he's full of crap. DO NOT READ THIS BOOK!
He's a terrible sexist who thinks he's entitled to sex.
What a jerk.
I had to put it down. Skipped ahead to the women only chapter and wanted to punch him.
IT'S NOT A GOOD BOOK! He thinks woman's ONE job is to "meet her man's needs" but what about HER needs???
He completely disregards women as human being with their own needs and their own moods. If a woman isn't in the mood, she shouldn't be forced into it. (Oh the amount of anger I have right now...I want to throw the book at him....)
The author is full of crap. He thinks he's all that and all high and mighty....but he's full of crap. DO NOT READ THIS BOOK!
He's a terrible sexist who thinks he's entitled to sex.
What a jerk.
March 10, 2020
A very honest book on married sex.
——
A re-read that still seems a fair treatment of sex. Is it a perfect book and is Leman writing for every situation? No. He stereotypes men and women a little bit and doesn’t account for sexual addictions, but I think the book is 95% on target. A couple should read with discriminating minds, questioning and discussing whether Leman’s understanding is accurate for them—and if not, fine. If the book helps a couple see things and open up for discussion and understanding, then that’s a win in my mind.
Also, this is a good refresher for older married couples as well. Cough cough.
——
A re-read that still seems a fair treatment of sex. Is it a perfect book and is Leman writing for every situation? No. He stereotypes men and women a little bit and doesn’t account for sexual addictions, but I think the book is 95% on target. A couple should read with discriminating minds, questioning and discussing whether Leman’s understanding is accurate for them—and if not, fine. If the book helps a couple see things and open up for discussion and understanding, then that’s a win in my mind.
Also, this is a good refresher for older married couples as well. Cough cough.
March 6, 2011
Where do I even start? The ebook wasn't edited. Ghastly errors all over the place. My biggest issues were with his content, though. For all his talk of maturity, Leman was lacking it in his vocabulary. Although, who knows, maybe that is supposed to put his intended audience at ease. And I am definitely not his intended audience. He brings up some interesting and legitimate points in the context of religion, but his driving points do not sit well, nor does his persistence in putting the onus on women.
November 14, 2008
This was an eyeopener for me because I didn't have a lot of experience (and Im still learning) on the topic of sex. I know it's probably silly of me to recommend this book, when a lot of people nowadays think that sex is so easy. But this book uncovers a lot about both sides to the story, so as to reveal secrets that wouldn't otherwise be known.
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