My Lesbian Husband: Landscapes of a Marriage

by Barrie Jean Borich

"In My Lesbian Husband, Barrie Jean Borich asks a fascinating question: do the names we give our relationships change their meanings? Each chapter entertains an aspect of this question with prose that is spirited, artful, anything but pat. Here is an author who takes neither love nor the power of language for granted, and her book is as provocative and lively as the love it evokes. An extraordinary performance by a writer who renews our wonder at the complexity of human connection."—Bernard Cooper

"Barrie Jean Borich wins my respect with her ingenious and original description of feelings which, for many, need translating into a familiar language. She writes about her lover and their life together with a rare deftness, clarity, and antic sense of humor, never strident or defensive, rather self-confident and as if she herself were curious to discover what she is thinking about their relationship." — Rosellen Brown

Winner of the American Library Association GLBT Book Award

Finalist for the Lambda Literary Award

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Queer, LGBT, Lesbian, Butch Femme

298 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

Reviews

[Sunny Mangiameli · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me nearly 2 years to finish this book but it wasn’t for lack of interest. There were time I couldn’t bear to read about the gentleness of lifelong lesbian companions and wives. A lovely book about building a life with someone before it was legal to do so. 🩷

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was published in 1999 and a friend recommended it to me in 2000. I didn't buy it until 2009 and I didn't read it until 2011. I'm sure the book affected me differently today than it would have eleven years ago. There is a redundancy in this collection of personal essays that is at times annoying but also actually effective as Borich wrestles with the construct of marriage in a lesbian relationship. The book is a study of her question, "Are we married?" Even after 12 years with her partner and ultimately a quirky commitment/marriage ceremony in Las Vegas, she continues to ask the question, which she and I both know can't be answered if you are a lesbian (or gay) couple. Some of the writing could be tighter for she waxes on in poetic description at times, but even so I was continually surprised and delighted by her choice of verbs. Borich loves to play with language in much the same way that her description suggests she likes to be playful in life.

[Kathleen O'Nan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful tribute to love in all of its forms. I wish these lovely women were my neighbors and friends!

[Ro Sayer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is so tough for me to rate. I hated this book at the beginning. I nearly didn't finish it, until the narrator (Barrie) grew on me, until you can't help but fall in love with Linnae completely and in the end I felt like it was by us, for us, about us, if you're like me you know what I mean. It gave me that weird, wistful feeling of wishing I'd found it sooner, in the before times.

I give it 5 stars for content alone.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this years ago, but return to in once in a while because a) it's beautiful and b) it's about long-term love.

[Ellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

a tender collection of essays about the ways that queer identity intersect with the complex landscape of life—family relationships, jobs, property ownership, chosen family, travel, finances, etc. my partner found this at a secondhand bookstore in minneapolis years ago during our first anniversary trip, which feels like a very fitting way to encounter this book! at times the essays got meandering and verbose, but I so appreciated the documenting of our community at a particular point in time (mostly the ‘90s). finishing this was a great way to start pride month this year. happy pride!!!!

[Ceris Backstrom]

This was a long, subtle, sensual portrait of long time love and how it looks and feels and what it means. It was published in 1999, and it feels like a piece of history, not because it’s very old, but because the landscape of queer life is very different. Very different, but also the same.

[Tabi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little long-winded at times, this memoir accounts a time before queer marriage was legalized.
Focusing on the personal, familial, and social hurdles of that time, its historic roots and gendered narrative is an all-around interesting read.

[sticky fruit · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me imagining a life i never thought was possible for me. this book has made me feel proud of the person i am. this book has opened so many conversations in my life with friends and peers. this is a MUST READ for any lesbian ever.

[Lena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not for everyone, but I loved it. If you’re queer and seem to feel things more intensely than most, this one’s for you. Everyone else, not sure 🤷‍♀️

[Tovah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This collection, in particular the first few essays, are very well written. Borich provides a wonderful example of how to write about something intimate, something the author loves, without becoming overly sentimentalized--it's engaging and sexy. I also loved the way she worked in "learning"--facts about marriage are sewn into the piece with ease. By the middle of the collection, I grew weary. It's hard to maintain 300 pages in the same voice and topic without feeling like you've already covered the ground. Their are some gems near the end of the collection so it's worth sticking it through. I'm glad for the book that offers a new and engaging view into gender and the way we think about family and relationships.

[Jenny Yates · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just recently re-read this book. The writing is so rich, lavish, and evocative.

It's a collection of personal essays, each one centering around the question of what marriage means to lesbians in general, and to the writer and her partner in particular. When the book was published more than a decade ago, the political landscape was very different. This book recalls the way it was then, makes it clear how much has changed, and still brings up points that are quite relevant today. It's also a real joy to read.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a thoughtful, fast-reading memoir (though long) about the nature of lesbian marriage. I found the confusion about, and search for meaning in the marital institution illuminating for heterosexual couplehood, too. My only disappointment was the excessive number of typos. Why, oh why? This sloppiness just cost you a whole freakin' star.

[Kelly Bartell · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although the writing was beautiful, it was more than a little disconnected and wandering. By the end of the book I felt not only like I didn't know the narrator...I didn't want to know her, either. It was a lot like a conversation one might have while stuck on an airplane. Interesting for while, and intriguing in theory...but frustrating and tiring in the end.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars
This is a book by my prof about her 12+ year relationship with a woman. It was a little weird at first because I know her and because of he lesbianism, but the book was not gratuitous and used beautiful writing to tell an interesting story and raise good questions about what it means to be married.

[Sasha Wolf · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as historical background for something I was writing. It was okay for that purpose (apart from a ridiculous passage implying that 1980s/90s London was as dangerous as Sarajevo or Gaza), but what really blew me away was the beauty of some of the writing.

[Josy · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book.

[Jenn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unfortunately I could not make it through this book. The writing style is extremely lofty and overly-poetic. The long and romanticized sentences just aren't something I enjoy.