I Used to Be ___: How to Navigate Large and Small Losses in Life and Find Your Path Forward

by Chuck Elliott, Ashley Elliott

Navigate Through Grief with Biblical Mental Health Tools

When you suffer a loss, you enter the realm of "used to be." You used to be married. You used to be employed. You used to be pregnant, secure, healthy, sober, thin. You used to be a son or daughter, a brother or sister, a mother or father. And in that used-to-be space there is deep emptiness, loneliness, and sorrow. It's a place we all dwell for a while. But it's not a place in which we are meant to remain.

The path forward includes exploring the unseen elements of grief. With this book, pastor Chuck Elliott and counselor Ashley Elliott light the way to a better future. Sharing biblical advice and proven mental health techniques, they help you learn how to fully feel and face your grief, hold onto your faith, and develop healthy ways to see yourself, your life, and your loved ones. They offer coping strategies for when moving forward seems impossible and guide you toward building new thinking patterns that will result in true healing and growth.

Maybe you "used to be" something--but there is a future waiting when you "will be" once more.

Genres: Psychology, Christian

193 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 15, 2023

Reviews

[Bonnie DeMoss · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a helpful resource for Christians experiencing grief and loss. It is written with compassion and provides biblical ways to face life's losses.

I received a free copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley. My review is voluntary and the opinions expressed are my own.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book about grief and loss comes from the perspective of a husband and wife team who have suffered together and ministered together. Chuck Elliot is a pastor, and Ashley Elliot is a licensed counselor. Throughout this book, they combine their areas of expertise, sharing truths from the Bible and wisdom from psychology to help people process their losses. I have read a number of books about grief and bereavement, but this one caught my attention because of the unique focus on the identity shift that many people experience after loss. The Elliots acknowledge how difficult it can be for people to move forward after losing someone or something important to them, and they share genuinely helpful advice on a variety of emotionally fraught topics.

The Elliots share personal stories about losses that they have experienced, including recurrent miscarriages. I appreciate their vulnerability with their readers, and their advice and encouragements are convincing because they have walked through so much pain. I appreciate their caring, thoughtful, and nuanced reflections on different challenges that bereaved people face, and they do an excellent job of acknowledging the good impulses behind some unhealthy things that people do in their grief. They provide a variety of practical examples and case studies, and they encourage their readers to explore "the function in the dysfunction" when considering their unhealthy coping mechanisms. I like this emphasis, since it helps people recognize their deeper needs and meet them in healthier ways.

My only critique is that there isn't enough material related to "small losses." The authors include some examples of people dealing with identity changes and loss after moving, losing a job, and so on, but that just doesn't compare to losing multiple children in the womb. Because so many of the case studies and personal examples involve incredibly tragic circumstances, someone who is dealing with a smaller loss may find that reading this book makes them feel guilty for being so sad about something smaller. That certainly isn't the authors' intent, and they do acknowledge different forms of disenfranchised grief, but some additional case studies or special advice for smaller losses could have enriched the book further.

This is an excellent book for people who are processing grief and identity changes associated with loss. Although this is definitely geared towards Christians, it can also appeal to people who don't share the authors' faith, as long as they are open to lots of talk about God throughout the book. Chuck and Ashley Elliot share a wealth of helpful information and deep, heartfelt encouragement here, and I would recommend this to grieving people and their support systems.

I received a free copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[David Seguin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book I Use Tobe on how to face your grief and not hide it and shows you how to avoid going down a path to greater grief and pain it offers you a plan of hope and overcoming and guide you towards new thinking patterns that help you building new thinking patterns that will result in your healing and growth liked the charts on working things out and getting the right people to help you overcome an face what you going through

[Lisa Konet · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written with a lot of courage and compassion and has some great advice about various ways to cope with grief and disappointments based on faith. The authors definitely value that importance of feeling your emotions because they are a part of you and it will help you heal. Their advice comes from the heart and a place of love for others.

I did like this BUT it was on the churchy side of advice. If you are not a Christian or have a belief in God, this book may not be for you. Still recommended but not my favorite self-help book.

Thanks to NetGalley, Chuck and Ashley Elliot and Revel for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Already available

[Markie · Rating 3 out of 5]

"I Used to Be ___" is a profound and compassionate guide that combines biblical wisdom with mental health tools to help individuals navigate the challenging journey of grief. Written by pastor Chuck Elliott and counselor Ashley Elliott, this book offers a reassuring hand to those who find themselves in the realm of "used to be" after experiencing various losses in life.

Grief is a universal experience that can leave us feeling lost, empty, and overwhelmed. The authors acknowledge the deep sorrow that comes with significant losses, whether it's the loss of a loved one, a job, a relationship, health, or any other aspect of life that once defined us. They emphasize that dwelling in this state of grief is natural and expected, but they also highlight that it is not a place we are meant to stay forever.

Drawing on biblical teachings and mental health techniques, Chuck Elliott and Ashley Elliott skillfully guide readers through the unseen elements of grief. They encourage individuals to fully embrace and process their emotions, allowing them to feel the pain and sorrow without judgment. By doing so, readers are offered a path toward true healing and growth.

The book provides valuable coping strategies for those moments when moving forward feels impossible. Readers will find comfort in the practical advice that helps them face their grief while maintaining their faith. Furthermore, the authors address the importance of seeing oneself, life, and loved ones in healthy ways, promoting positive thinking patterns that contribute to overall healing.

One of the remarkable aspects of "I Used to Be ___" is the blend of spiritual guidance and psychological insights. By intertwining these perspectives, the authors create a comprehensive approach that resonates with a wide range of readers, regardless of their religious background. The result is a compassionate and practical guidebook that offers solace and support during life's most challenging times.

Throughout the book, Chuck Elliott and Ashley Elliott's writing style is warm, understanding, and relatable. Their words feel like a conversation with a trusted friend, assuring readers that they are not alone in their grief journey. The book is organized in a clear and accessible manner, making it easy to navigate and absorb the wisdom it offers.

In conclusion, "I Used to Be ___" is a valuable resource for anyone experiencing grief and loss. With its combination of biblical insights and mental health tools, the book stands as a guiding light toward a brighter future. Chuck Elliott and Ashley Elliott remind readers that, even in the depths of sorrow, there is hope for a future where they "will be" once more. This book is a compassionate companion on the path to healing and finding new meaning in life after loss.

[Angie Helm · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book! I can't say exactly how it will help you, because it uniquely speaks to each individual who reads it and has specific applications for different types of grief. I can say this is a book I will probably go back to during different seasons of life. It has already been a valuable piece of my own grief journeys and has sparked excellent healing conversations. I'm very thankful. So while I don't know what part of it will impact you, I do think it will be worth your read.

[Jim B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Greif escapes no one. The authors share their real life experiences and give practical advice on ways to cope with lifes curveballs. Their vulnerability exposed my own heart and allowed me to be real with myself and issues in my own life that needed addressed. I admire their bravery in writing this book, we can all learn from their example. There are times in life we feel we are alone, we need to cling on to the one who holds us all in His hands. Even if you are one who feels you have it all figured out and are in a healthy place coping with grief, I encourage you to read this and not come away with some golden nuggets and see where you may have some blind spots. The truth is grief will find us all. Use this book as a guide to deal and cope from a healthy space. This is not a book you'll just read once and be done. We will go through multiple times in life where this will be a reference on how to deal with life in the moment when we aren't thinking as straight. Use their methods on problems individually will help out and work through the grief. I'm humbled and honored to have read this book. This book will relate to all who pick it up. I want to thank Chuck and Ashley Elliott along with the publisher Revell for allowing me to have an ARC for an honest review. All opinions are my own.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some might find the counseling prompts more helpful than others. It's a helpful attempt to bring counseling language into a book form, though of course there are limits. I wish there had been more thorough examples outside of what the authors had personally experienced. Others were mentioned in passing, but 2 main losses are used for most examples and those who pick this up for widely different reasons might not resonate with everything. I did find the exercises and prompts to be very practical and helpful aspects.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Used to Be ___, Chuck and Ashley Elliott have written a book detailing ways in which we can deal in a healthy way with the used to be and navigate through your grief. Chuck is a pastor and Ashley is a Christian counselor. In the book, they shared how they used to be expecting a child in 2015, 2016, and 2017. They experience three miscarriages three years in a row. They explained how they worshipped, felt devastated, and faced traumatic experiences in the hospital. She shared how she wondered if God even cared about her pain and she questioned His silence. In the book, they also revealed Chuck’s struggled with porn and how it affects their relationship. They walked readers through how to process grief and unmet expectations. They encouraged readers to be present in their thoughts. They had a helpful chart showing positive thoughts and negative and how it all links up in the grief process.



I would recommend this awesome book to anyone who is struggling with lost and grief and they are needing some guidance through it. No one gets through life not experiencing some sort of lost. Either a loved one, job, marriage, or dream. I connected with how they explored how they dealt with their own hurts and devastations and how they tried to encourage others through the pain. This book contains helpful tools to put into practice.






I received this book free from Revell for my honest review.

[Kaylyn Reynolds · Rating 3 out of 5]

there is some really good and helpful things in this book. The exercises are practical, but while this book talks about how others hyper-spiritualizing can be harmful (ie: someone saying it must have been God’s will) I feel there are certain sections that hyper-spiritualize. I’m not sure I would give this book to someone going through church hurt, but I could see myself recommending it to someone in other cases.

[Leah Peppard · Rating 5 out of 5]

7.5/10 Good read for anyone who is navigating the ever-present changing of life and the grief that can come our way. I wished I read this book sooner in my life! I will definitely share with anyone going through grief as this book makes you feel seen, and provides much-needed space to heal. And it has interactive parts to it/homework that is not too overwhelming which is a bonus!

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audio 3.5
Practical for the Christian who isn’t very in touch with—or just starting to explore—their grief and losses

[Katie Agress · Rating 4 out of 5]

The writing is kind of clunky, and it incorporates a lot of spirituality, but the concepts are simple, yet good.