Dying to Be Thin

by Nikki Grahame

Say the name Nikki Grahame and most people will remember the bubbly, highly strung, and hugely entertaining Big Brother 7 contestant, famous for her diary room outbursts. Since leaving the Big Brother house, she had forged a successful career for herself in presenting and writing. Yet Nikki isn’t just another reality television contestant and her life story is not like any other you will ever read. From the age of eight until she was 19, Nikki battled anorexia nervosa—but few cases have been quite as extreme as hers. What she has been through while suffering from this illness will surprise and shock readers. At just seven years old, Nikki began feeling that she was overweight. A remark about her being fat from a fellow pupil at a gymnastics class, along with insecurity brought about by her parents’ separation and her beloved grandfather’s death, were the catalysts for Nikki’s long-term eating disorder. Aged just eight and weighing just under three stone, she was diagnosed as anorexic. For the next eight years, Nikki was in and out of seven institutions, during which time she attempted suicide twice and had to be sedated up to four times a day so that she could be force-fed. At one point, she was sedated for 14 days while doctors sewed a tube into her stomach, through which she was fed in order to get her weight out of the critical range. Nikki admits that she knew every anorexic’s trick in the from breaking into hospital kitchens to water down full-fat milk, altering her diet sheet and switching name tags on food to ensure that she received smaller amounts, to even stuffing a door-stop down her trousers before a weigh-in. The extremes that she went to in order to avoid eating and find ways to exercise excessively shocked doctors who have worked in the field for years. As Nikki says, "I’ve always wanted to be the best at everything I do, so I had to be the best anorexic—and I was." This is the heart-rending and powerful story of a girl who lost her childhood but was brave enough to finally admit that she wanted to live again. With searing honesty, Nikki recounts her long and painful road to recovery, how she has had to come to terms with the long-term ramifications of her illness, how she coped with being in the Big Brother house and how she uses her new-found fame to promote awareness of eating disorders and to help those who are suffering from similar problems. This compelling book tells the story of an incredible journey.

Genres: Nonfiction, Mental Health, Memoir, Biography, Autobiography

316 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2009

About the author

Between eight and nineteen years old, Nikki Grahame was in and out of hospitals and institutions as she battled with anorexia nervosa. At one point, her weight was so dangerously low that she went into a coma; one of the doctors treating her said that hers was the worst case of anorexia he had seen in 32 years.

In 2006, Grahame appeared as a contestant in Big Brother 7. Following her time in the house, she wrote columns for OK!, the Sun and More magazine and was a presenter on Big Brother spin-off BBLB. Nikki Grahame also devoted time to increasing awareness of eating disorders in the hopes that her life story could help others.

Grahame died of complications of anorexia nervosa in April 2021, at the age of 38.

Reviews

[ren · Rating 5 out of 5]

The only season of Big Brother I've ever watched in my life, was the season in which Nikki Grahame was a housemate. I remember watching her 'tantrums' and kick offs inside the house, and I remember laughing and teasing her to all my friends. I had absolutely no idea that those 'tantrums' were caused by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or that she'd suffered with depression and Anorexia Nervosa since she was only 8 years old. Had I known this, I would've definitely thought twice before ridiculing her. After reading her book about her struggle with anorexia and depression and OCD, I developed the biggest amount of respect and admiration towards her. She's been through hell. She spent her entire childhood in treatment centers, faced suicide, divorce and bullying. Big Brother was the only good thing that had happened to her in 10 whole years. I finished her book with a smile on my face, and a new inspiration.
Nikki Grahame is a perfect example of why you should never, ever judge a book by it's cover.

[Tan Markovic · Rating 5 out of 5]

God bless her soul ❤️

[Beverley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I suffered with anorexia for years but no where near to this extent. I found her writing style and honesty refreshing and I felt like I came to understand my own mental health problems a little better too

[Rose McClelland · Rating 5 out of 5]

A gripping, honest and fascinating story of one girl's struggle with anorexia.

I had heard that Nikki suffered from anorexia - but I really did not know the extent of how much she had suffered. Not until I read this book, that is.

I remember Nikki from Big Brother of course - the tiny little blonde girl with the massive screams and horrendous temper tantrums. But this book showed a completely different side to her.

Through this book, I heard a completely different voice - soft, honest, brutally honest, to the point of self-deprecating on many occasions. She really left no stone unturned. She was an extremely sick girl and she shared it all with us, the reader.

*spoilers*

As I say, I knew she had suffered from anorexia, but I did not know that her anorexia began at the age of seven, and that she spent practically her entire childhood in and out of hospitals and institutions (from the age of 8 until the age of 16). She even spent an entire 3 years residing in Great Ormond Street Hospital. Three years! And after the 3 years, the Head Consultant dealing with Eating Disorders at Great Ormond said to Nikki's parents - "Nikki is not the worst patient I have seen suffering from anorexia - she is BY FAR the worst patient". He told her parents that there was simply nothing more that the hospital could do for her.

She had point blank refused any help whatsover. Refusing to eat anything. Having those vicious temper tantrums we watched on BB. She had to be "tubed" in the end - a tube up her nose to feed her because she wouldn't let food enter her mouth. And then, she kept pulling the tubes out of her nose! A point in the book where I was literally cringing and finding it so hard to read because it sounded so painful. Then, when she had pulled out 6 tubes in a row, they had to give her a permanent tube - a gastronomy - a tube constantly inserted into her stomach. And even then, she tried to poke it out and pull the stitches off! She really was a very, very sick girl.

The thing that I found upsetting about the story (and this in no way is a reflection of the book) - is the fact that the treatment sounded so dated. Why all this force-feeding? Why not get to the root of the cause? Surely eating disorders are more about the mind than the physical? Surely it's more about emotions/ thoughts/ coping skills than the actual food? Yet all these hospitals seemed to do was force feed her until she put on weight, discharge her, she'd lose the weight again, and then she was readmitted again. A vicious cycle.

It seemed that Nikki really poured her heart and soul into this book - it's a long intriguing read and she really does give a very detailed account of what happened to her. At times I wanted to hug her like a little sister and protect her. At other times I was shocked at the way she treated her mother - throwing her plates of food at the wall. It made me think about how this is a family disease and I wondered how much the family can enable the sufferer? I'm pretty sure if I threw a plate at the wall, my mum and dad would not have stood for it! In saying that, I'm not blaming her mum - I just think her mum sounded so out of her depth and unable to cope. She really did sound like such a sweetheart.

It was really interesting to hear all about the Big Brother stuff and I think that the TV show meant much more to Nikki in terms of her self-esteem than any fame or money.

It has really made me sympathise with Nikki. I'm sure that anorexia is never something that really goes away. But I hope that she is managing to keep it at bay.

[Erica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Damn... this girl was fucked up

[Peter Shields · Rating 5 out of 5]

So utterly sad reading this after what has happened but your life was worth living nikki and we love you. RIP darling heart.

[Tyna the Reader · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m beginning to learn that I usually read autobiographies pretty quickly but this one took the biscuit. I finished it over the course of two days.

I wanted to read this book because I’ve been watching series seven of Big Brother (for the first time as an adult) and wanted to understand more about Nikki - this book definitely did that for me.

I would not recommend this book to anyone who was in the grips of any kind of restrictive eating disorder because I believe the content could be immensely triggering and, in some cases, may be used as a dangerous guide for some, who perhaps aren’t aware of all of the “tips and tricks” that Nikki uses in an attempt to “beat the system” whilst in forced recovery.

I finished this book with a much deeper sense of sympathy and compassion towards Nikki and I really admire her will and determination, when it came to her choosing to eat again. It is my opinion, though, that to say she has recovered would be wrong - but that isn’t the point of this book. If reading her story makes a single person have a wider understanding of how damaging eating disorders are, or convinces someone on the brink of their disorder to claw their way out of its trap, then I am wildly happy that this book exists.

[Dasha Ivanova · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think this book might be very damaging to people with the history of ED. I liked the way it was written, but you can feel her pride in how she describes her tricks and the way she could maintain low weight throughout the years, how persistent she was. For me it’s more a pro-ana book which might be interesting for a normal person but very dangerous for someone with ED

[Emma Hurson · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's bot recommended if you and struggling currently with an ED . But very insiteful for anyone who wants to see what living with an ED is like. Highly emotional and very well written.
Nikki was an amazing person and suffered too too much throughout her whole like . I truly miss her and she left this world too soon .

[Jessica White · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very open and honest and an interesting point of view but I do worry that at times it glamorises an extremely serious situation and could be very triggering and detrimental to some with the details it goes in to

[Catriona Kelch · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book really triggering, why did I decide to read this? omfg

[Rita · Rating 3 out of 5]

***3***

[Alice · Rating 4 out of 5]

*4.5*

[Priscilla Devanney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good and yet sad book on eating disorders. Very honest account of her experience and very sad

[Kimberly Hess Morrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book gives great ideas how to become anorexic

[Cheryl Lang · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sad to read the hope she had, but a good eye opener for fans and people struggling

[Heather Willoughby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking read but very important insight into anorexia. Poor woman, didn't realise just what she'd been through

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of sad and kinda disturbing memoirs but this one takes the cake. Such a raw story, I feel badly for her to having to recount the whole thing in so much detail.

[Becky Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

*insert gif of nikki screaming WHO IS SHE here*

[Cliona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent insight into anorexia nervosa. Hard to put down.

[Allison Delestowicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably one of the most horrific cases of anorexia I’ve read about. Never watched Big Brother prior to reading. This was one tough girl

[Liralen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd seen this one on Amazon and so on, but wrote it off because the cover is terrible (don't judge a book by it's cover and all that, but really -- the cover is terrible). I ran across a copy in an aeroport bookshop, though, and figured I might as well give it a try.

And...huh. It's better than the cover.

I'm pretty sure (after finishing the book, I went to YouTube to find clips from Grahame's stint in the Big Brother house) that I'd really rather not meet Grahame, as she'd drive me batshit crazy in about thirty seconds. The book is also -- how to explain this? She apparently relapsed after writing the book, and honestly, things she says in the book suggest that she was on the line as it was. There's a certain degree of pride in the low weights she maintained and in the ways she tricked the staff at the treatment centres she ended up in (not to mention her apparent pride at being the best/worst anorexic that various doctors had ever treated) that makes it hard to believe that full recovery is in her near future.

All told, it's actually written much better than I would have expected. Not one for somebody who wants to recover but isn't there yet, but perhaps good for someone who wants to better understand eating disorders.

[Luv · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've read in 2012. I've seen some women with anorexia in the gym, they are skin and bones, and exercise non-stop. This book gives an insight on why girls/woman go through when they have this disorder. I've already realized that no matter how much we try to tell an anorexic person to eat, and not exercise so much, it does not change them. They are fighting their own demons. I'm amazed by how much determination these women have to starve themselves. It's touching to read Nikki's account and I was truly moved by her story. I hope she continues to win her battle with this disease.

[Mariska de Graaf · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nikki Grahame heeft zelf jarenlang haar destructieve gedrag in stand gehouden en besloot van de 1 op de andere dag dat het genoeg was. Haar gedrag is eigenlijk volkomen onbegrijpelijk, zelfs als je haar als geestesziek beschouwt. In het boek worden ook voornamelijk haar tientallen lijdenswegen omschreven, op een nadere diagnose wordt niet verder ingegaan. Eigenlijk is het du een verzameling van wat ze voornl. niet en/of wel gegeten heeft, en een hoop gedetailleerde opnames beschreven. Informatief, maar niet echt memorabel.

[Belinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wat een ziekte is het toch anorexia. En dat er toen der tijd zo weinig over bekend was. Over de geestelijke problematiek van een anorexia patiënt. En wat een moeder die door dik en dun naast haar dochter bleef staan. En Nikki met haar vechtlust. Dik respect, vooral dat ze op eigen kracht uiteindelijk het roer omgooide en inzag dat als ze een leven buiten de psychiatrie wilde toch het zelf moest doen. Een leven lang vechten tegen de calorieën. Eten niet als eten zien maar als cijfertjes. Dat moet toch enorm vermoeiend zijn.

[Keels · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really interested to see what life is like in the mind of an anorexic so thought I would give this a go.

Nikki goes into great detail about her struggles with the eating disorder and the great lengths she went to, nearly resulting in her own death. I found it well written and easy to follow but I did find at times it got a little repetitive so it took me a while to get through it all as I kept leaving it and then coming back to it.

[Laura Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading the story of Nikki and what she went through. Although I was never officially diagnosed with an eating disorder I did experience a period similar to Nikki and I found myself nodding in agreement to a few things whilst reading as I could relate to the behaviours/experiences. Her book goes a great deal into explaining the behaviour you saw of her on tv and she was such a likeable lady! Rest in peace beautiful x

[Natasha Holme · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put this book down. A very easy and shocking read. I loved the no-frills, straightforward language. What this girl put herself through is out of this world - the sheer physical agony of fighting the doctors and the willpower to eat nothing for a whole year. Extreme. And highly entertaining.

[Valene Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had previously read Fragile by the same Author and thoroughly enjoyed it. I decided to download this audiobook thinking it was a different book, but come to find out the two books are the exact same thing with different titles. I decided to listen to it anyways and caught some things I had forgot about. I really enjoyed this book again.

[Jacqui · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought it was kinda good- I understand the whole struggle, and it didn't seem as self-indulgent as some eating disorder memoirs. There was a bit too much focus on the numbers of weight for my liking, but I guess that's to be expected.