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The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles
'From the time I started working as a sex therapist back in the early 1970s, people have been talking to me about their sex lives. What I hear about most is the business of negotiating the sex supply. How do couples deal with the strain of the man wishing and hoping while all she longs for is the bliss of uninterrupted sleep?' In "The Sex Diaries" leading sex therapist Bettina Arndt uncovers the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere - the creeping hand and feigning of sleep, the staying up late in the hope that he will doze off. It is one of the great inconvenient truths of relationships that after the first blissful years together, most men want more sex than their female partners. Bettina Arndt recruited 98 couples to keep diaries, revealing their intimate negotiations over sex. Who feels like having sex? Who doesn't? And how do couples cope if one person wants it more than the other? She draws on her 35 years as a sex therapist and psychologist to provide an insightful analysis, and with her characteristic humour proposes a new approach to how couples can enjoy regular sex - and sustain loving relationships.
- GenresNonfictionSexuality
328 pages, Paperback
First published March 1, 2009
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143 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
July 24, 2020
It would be interesting to know the gender composition of the readers of Bettina Arndt's insightful Sex Diaries book. Guessing from the subtitle, "Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles", I'm guessing that the majority of readers are, like myself, heterosexual males longing to understand their mate's declining libido. Indeed, when I mentioned to my wife that I was reading this book, she said that women don't need to read it, as the divergent sex drives over time make perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective. After all, she said, why would women seek as much sex once they had achieved their primary biological function of producing their desired number of offspring?
For me, it was interesting to better understand the spectrum of sexual libido in both genders and, even more helpful, was the detailed stories of how many couples had found ways of bridging the gap. It was fascinating to see how sufficiently large and prolonged gulfs in sexual interest were often the primary cause for divorce, dispite the huge financial and practical hassles - especially where children were involved.
Arndt's research provided me valuable perspective, helping me to appreciate that my marriage is of a garden variety, and that my wife is much more understanding and accomodating than many. I suspect that if more couples with mismatched desires for intimacy were to read and discuss this book, many marriages could be improved and some divorces avoided.
For me, it was interesting to better understand the spectrum of sexual libido in both genders and, even more helpful, was the detailed stories of how many couples had found ways of bridging the gap. It was fascinating to see how sufficiently large and prolonged gulfs in sexual interest were often the primary cause for divorce, dispite the huge financial and practical hassles - especially where children were involved.
Arndt's research provided me valuable perspective, helping me to appreciate that my marriage is of a garden variety, and that my wife is much more understanding and accomodating than many. I suspect that if more couples with mismatched desires for intimacy were to read and discuss this book, many marriages could be improved and some divorces avoided.
July 16, 2009
Well worth the read especially if you have been married a while/have a bunch of kids/ still love your husband - wish I could get my husband read to it too.
November 5, 2021
So I got through 90 pages and I think that's enough.
If you're not drawn in by the word 'sex' in big letters on the front cover, the premise of the book should do it. You get to read the diaries of 98 couples telling about their sex lives.
And who wouldn't want that? It's not something we often hear about, and it's a glimpse into something most of us value.
Which begs the question - Is the only thing to be gleaned from 196 people's sex lives the one message that Arndt tells over and over again - that women have "fragile female libidos" and should have sex even when they don't feel like it?
Like this: "We are willing to go out of our way to do other things to please each other - cooking his favourite meal, sitting through repeat episodes of her beloved television show. Why, then, are we so ungenerous when it comes to 'making' love, which should be the ultimate expression of that mutual caring?" (p 14)
Gee, great question Bettina.
I mean, could it really be that if you read 98 couples' diaries, the one key message you would take away - or at least that Australia's 'leading sex therapist' would take away - is that gosh, men do have it hard:
"But there's also no doubt that women now feel entitled to close up shop. Safe in the knowledge that they are no longer under any obligation to put out when they are not in the mood, sexual rejection easily becomes a way of life" (p 46)
Gee, I told you it's hard for men.
You see: "The belief was that sex must wait until women are well and truly in the mood. But that was where we went wrong". (p 46)
Arndt, of course, doesn't spell it all out explicitly. She just kind of dips into the water with a polite dog-whistle, and reminds us that of course she doesn't actually believe that:
"Remember Justice Bollen? In a 1992 marital rape case, this South Australian judge blundered into dangerous territory when he suggested that 'there is nothing wrong with a husband, faced with his wife's initial refusal to engage in intercourse, in attempting, in an acceptable way, to persuade her to change her mind, and that may involve a measure of rougher than usual handling.'
Rougher than usual handling? Of course, the sky fell in over these unfortunate words but one suspects that even without them, Bollen would have come in for a caning for daring to suggest that men should ever try to persuade women to come across." (p 76)
Oh yes, how unfortunate. If only Justice Bollen had picked a better turn of phrase.
And that's the problem with this book. It looks like it's based on evidence. It's Australia's leading sex therapist (we are told), and it's based on 98 couples' diaries. But once you scratch the surface, something just feels off. Arndt does sprinkle in some research, but you gets the vibe that she's just doing it to tick the box to show she's read it. And are we really meant to believe that this - this - is the one and only key takeaway message?
Then there's Arndt herself. Look her up on Wikipedia. She's not a psychologist. And in case you thought otherwise she never said she is. She only said she trained as a clinical psychologist. (Yes, I know right?).
And I'm left kind of scratching my head wondering what to take away here. Is this author trustworthy? Is this really it? Or is it just a veneer of polish on top of some sort of angry vendetta?
I found this book in the street library near my house. I think it's time to return it.
If you're not drawn in by the word 'sex' in big letters on the front cover, the premise of the book should do it. You get to read the diaries of 98 couples telling about their sex lives.
And who wouldn't want that? It's not something we often hear about, and it's a glimpse into something most of us value.
Which begs the question - Is the only thing to be gleaned from 196 people's sex lives the one message that Arndt tells over and over again - that women have "fragile female libidos" and should have sex even when they don't feel like it?
Like this: "We are willing to go out of our way to do other things to please each other - cooking his favourite meal, sitting through repeat episodes of her beloved television show. Why, then, are we so ungenerous when it comes to 'making' love, which should be the ultimate expression of that mutual caring?" (p 14)
Gee, great question Bettina.
I mean, could it really be that if you read 98 couples' diaries, the one key message you would take away - or at least that Australia's 'leading sex therapist' would take away - is that gosh, men do have it hard:
"But there's also no doubt that women now feel entitled to close up shop. Safe in the knowledge that they are no longer under any obligation to put out when they are not in the mood, sexual rejection easily becomes a way of life" (p 46)
Gee, I told you it's hard for men.
You see: "The belief was that sex must wait until women are well and truly in the mood. But that was where we went wrong". (p 46)
Arndt, of course, doesn't spell it all out explicitly. She just kind of dips into the water with a polite dog-whistle, and reminds us that of course she doesn't actually believe that:
"Remember Justice Bollen? In a 1992 marital rape case, this South Australian judge blundered into dangerous territory when he suggested that 'there is nothing wrong with a husband, faced with his wife's initial refusal to engage in intercourse, in attempting, in an acceptable way, to persuade her to change her mind, and that may involve a measure of rougher than usual handling.'
Rougher than usual handling? Of course, the sky fell in over these unfortunate words but one suspects that even without them, Bollen would have come in for a caning for daring to suggest that men should ever try to persuade women to come across." (p 76)
Oh yes, how unfortunate. If only Justice Bollen had picked a better turn of phrase.
And that's the problem with this book. It looks like it's based on evidence. It's Australia's leading sex therapist (we are told), and it's based on 98 couples' diaries. But once you scratch the surface, something just feels off. Arndt does sprinkle in some research, but you gets the vibe that she's just doing it to tick the box to show she's read it. And are we really meant to believe that this - this - is the one and only key takeaway message?
Then there's Arndt herself. Look her up on Wikipedia. She's not a psychologist. And in case you thought otherwise she never said she is. She only said she trained as a clinical psychologist. (Yes, I know right?).
And I'm left kind of scratching my head wondering what to take away here. Is this author trustworthy? Is this really it? Or is it just a veneer of polish on top of some sort of angry vendetta?
I found this book in the street library near my house. I think it's time to return it.
September 25, 2025
If i could rate negative stars I would. This is the most disgusting, sexist piece of literary garbage I have ever had the misfortune to read a single word of. It’s basically just a book repeating over and over that we should be letting men sexual assault their wives. I’m truly shocked this book exists, over and over Arndt says the same thing, basically that you should just just have sex even if you actively don’t want to, that men suffer so much when you deprive them of their right to sex and women are so privileged to be able to reject sex and all the worlds problems would be solved if we just had sex every time a man asked us to. There’s an index in the back and I followed “marital rape” and she was basically just like yeah it doesn’t exist and woman are too outspoken, poor men. The whole goddamn book is “poor men”.
April 18, 2019
Incredible!
How do you do "it"? - a question I wouldn't dare ask married friends or family. No need! Arndt cleverly outlines the insight and wisdom I seek. A must-read for anyone serious about maintaining a fruitful relationship through life. This book changed my perspective on relationships, and I have no doubt that I will be a better husband for it.
How do you do "it"? - a question I wouldn't dare ask married friends or family. No need! Arndt cleverly outlines the insight and wisdom I seek. A must-read for anyone serious about maintaining a fruitful relationship through life. This book changed my perspective on relationships, and I have no doubt that I will be a better husband for it.
May 30, 2021
It's everything it claimed and more. Really got to see a lot of different relationship dynamics. And it also helped me come to terms with the relationship dynamics I have with my own wife. As well as have more compassion for her perspective.
July 10, 2020
Aluksi ällötti vain suurellisesti naisnäkökulma. Sitten tuli kyllä miehistäkin näkökulmaa. Hyviä ajatuksia ja huomioita.
February 9, 2025
Putting aside controversy on author and focusing on book, I can see how this might’ve been groundbreaking for its time, but now very much showing its age.
January 1, 2022
An interesting book that looks at the sex lives and relationships of many couples through the window of their diaries. I found it quite heartbreaking that there are so many people out there yearning for a sense of love and connection with the person they are with, yet unable to find it. Maybe we have been tricked and bought a whole load of lies about romance, expectation and how things ought to be. Maybe the reality is the unglamorous decision to try and meet each other's emotional needs and not to take the self righteous stand that some needs are more worthy than others (romance is more worthy than sex...) A thought provoking book.
Read
August 6, 2011Heard Bettina speak on 891 ABC Adelaide and was amazed and inspired by what she was saying. I knew i had to go out and read the book and I was definitely not disappointed. After years of thinking there was something wrong with me, I have finally realised that I'm normal! Hooray! At the same time i have been able to open discussions with Hubby and our nocturnal activities have definitely improved...well, I think that have anyway! Every couple should read this.
Read
February 21, 2012provides a number of interesting and largely sad insights into her clients' lives and generalisations and some explanations of value for her readers. but the author t is provokingly enamored of hormone related sociobiological rationales which do not really add. she should've stayed with behavioural story.
Read
November 30, 2009bit strange - got it free from wrok - but some really interesting and often sad insights into other people's lives
March 27, 2010
This is a very useful book, the future of monogamy is on the line, to be sure.
May 12, 2013
Fascinating and graphic though rather sobering and perhaps depressing read in parts.
August 17, 2013
Mildly interesting. Would be more relevant if:
A. I was older
B. I was in a committed long term relationship
or
C. I had any sex life to speak of;)
A. I was older
B. I was in a committed long term relationship
or
C. I had any sex life to speak of;)
January 28, 2015
Such an amazing window to real life, real relationships, real sex life!
Highly recommend!
Highly recommend!
Read
December 30, 2015 First class very helpful read.
I want to read her What men want in bed book but at £999 it's a bit out of my range.
I want to read her What men want in bed book but at £999 it's a bit out of my range.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews