Crooked Little Vein

by Warren Ellis

Burned-out private dick Michael McGill needs to jump-start his career. What he gets instead is a cattle prod to the crotch. The president's heroin-addicted chief of staff wants McGill to find the Constitution—the real one the Founding Fathers secretly devised for the time of gravest crisis. And with God, civility, and Mom's homemade apple pie already dead or dying, that time is now. But McGill has a talent for stumbling into every imaginable depravity—and this case is driving him even deeper into America's darkest, dankest underbelly, toward obscenities that boggle even his mind.

Genres: Fiction, Mystery, Crime, Humor, Thriller, Noir, Detective

292 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

Warren Ellis is the award-winning writer of graphic novels like TRANSMETROPOLITAN, FELL, MINISTRY OF SPACE and PLANETARY, and the author of the NYT-bestselling GUN MACHINE and the “underground classic” novel CROOKED LITTLE VEIN, as well as the digital short-story single DEAD PIG COLLECTOR. His newest book is the novella NORMAL, from FSG Originals, listed as one of Amazon’s Best 100 Books Of 2016.

The movie RED is based on his graphic novel of the same name, its sequel having been released in summer 2013. IRON MAN 3 is based on his Marvel Comics graphic novel IRON MAN: EXTREMIS. He is currently developing his graphic novel sequence with Jason Howard, TREES, for television, in concert with HardySonBaker and NBCU, and continues to work as a screenwriter and producer in film and television, represented by Angela Cheng Caplan and Cheng Caplan Company. He is the creator, writer and co-producer of the Netflix series CASTLEVANIA, recently renewed for its third season, and of the recently-announced Netflix series HEAVEN’S FOREST.

He’s written extensively for VICE, WIRED UK and Reuters on technological and cultural matters, and given keynote speeches and lectures at events like dConstruct, ThingsCon, Improving Reality, SxSW, How The Light Gets In, Haunted Machines and Cognitive Cities.

Warren Ellis has recently developed and curated the revival of the Wildstorm creative library for DC Entertainment with the series THE WILD STORM, and is currently working on the serialising of new graphic novel works TREES: THREE FATES and INJECTION at Image Comics, and the serialised graphic novel THE BATMAN’S GRAVE for DC Comics, while working as a Consulting Producer on another television series.

A documentary about his work, CAPTURED GHOSTS, was released in 2012.

Recognitions include the NUIG Literary and Debating Society’s President’s Medal for service to freedom of speech, the EAGLE AWARDS Roll Of Honour for lifetime achievement in the field of comics & graphic novels, the Grand Prix de l’Imaginaire 2010, the Sidewise Award for Alternate History and the International Horror Guild Award for illustrated narrative. He is a Patron of Humanists UK. He holds an honorary doctorate from the University of Essex.

Warren Ellis lives outside London, on the south-east coast of England, in case he needs to make a quick getaway.

Reviews

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Faint-hearts and the offendable might just want to sit this one out…the book, mind you, not this review. Acclaimed comics writer Warren Ellis cranks up the “ick” factor to about 11 and delivers a hysterical noir, mystery travelogue through the oddest, most depraved nooks and crannies of the American psyche. It is dark, twisted and no-holds barred...and it is also very, VERY funny.

To give you a sample of the agenda items Ellis uses in his carnival of oddballities, you will will find:

**A group of Godzilla bukakke fetishists (yep, you read that correctly);

**A cohort of Bodybuilders who inject large quantities of warm saline in their berries;

…yeah, it’s kinda like that. It's also kinda like....AHHHHHHHH.

**A tantric Ostrich orgy;

**A massively depraved uber richdude who orally milks dead cows...(go on...take a minute and let that sink in);

**An image-sensitive serial killer who murders conservatively dressed woman (a nice twist there)...this guy is a hoot;

**A steakhouse dinner scene that is positively stomach-churning...yes, even more so than the above.

…and ALL connected to a secret version of the U.S. Constitution that can magically rewind the clock and turn America back into a land of powdered wigs, puritan values and mind-numbing normalcy.

Verdict: I...loved...this.

Of course, you should know that I had the ability to be offended by things I read surgically removed some time ago (it was actually during the 2000 Presidential Campaign). Even so, this bizarre, messed up journey through the “what’s-the-most-shocking-content-you-can-find-on-the-internet-made-real” version of America still made me cringe, wince and protectively grab my goodies more than once…I’m telling you that the needle full of saline to the testes scene will be a tough one for guys to get through. It’s hysterical…but tough.

Our guide for this adventure is PI Mike McGill who is a self-described “shit magnet.” This means that wherever Mike goes he seems to have a preternatural knack for finding himself in “Ewww-laden" WTF situations. As Mike describes it to Trix (Ellis’ mouthpiece in the story):

There are eight bars around this block. I naturally find the one where the barman accessorizes with human headskin. I follow up one lead on this case and I find fifty people furiously masturbating over recut Japanese monster movies.

Mike gets retained by the oh so creepy, heroin-loving white house chief of staff to locate and return “the other Constitution of the United States.”

It is a small, handwritten volume reputedly bound in the skin of the extraterrestrial entity that plagued Benjamin Franklin’s ass over six nights in Paris during his European travels…On the seventh night he got right up and killed the little bastard with one punch…The book binding is weighted with meteor fragments. The design is such that the sound of the book being opened onto a table has infrasonic content too low for human hearing…Do you understand, son?...It’s a book that forces you to read it….

To locate and return this magical book which has the ability to reset the clock on American sensibilities to the time of the founding fathers, Mike gets paid a fortune. However, his only clue is the fact that Nixon gave the book away to a hooker 40 years ago for some special attentions. (I thought a "tricky" Dick comment here was too easy so I skipped it...however feel free to think of one now).

Mike, together with his sexually adventuress gal pal named Trix, follow the trail of slimy breadcrumbs left behind by the book and embark on an outing that is among the most unique I’ve encountered. During the course of their investigation, they will visit all the places you hear about from friends following the phrase, “You aren’t going to believe this…”.

You may eww a few time, but I think you will laugh for more.

As fun and twisted as this ride is, I didn’t see Ellis writing solely for shock value. I think there was calculation in what he did and that he had a point…at least I think he did. I think Ellis was using an extreme depiction of activities 99.999999999% of people would find repulsive to create a venue for discussing the distinction between what is mainstream and what is perversion. I think Ellis is challenging the notion that our “leaders” should have the right to make those determinations for us (rather than making those decisions ourselves within the context of our own lives). Is the accepting and tolerating of the non-violent, non-exploitive expressions of personal kink and twisted fetishes a necessary price we all must pay to insure that the society we live in is truly inclusive and embracing to all people? Discuss.

Maybe I’m just over-thinking it, but it seemed that Ellis had something to say that was pretty important. However, whatever, Ellis’ message was, I had an absolute blast reading this and thought his style, his characters, his dialogue and his set pieces were funny, creative and highly entertaining…when I wasn’t cringing with my eyes closed.

4.0 stars. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED (but only for the more adventuress reader).

[mark monday · Rating 1 out of 5]

and shit and shitting and porn and godzilla and bukkake and godzilla bukkake and saline-injected testicles and shit and rats and dirt and grubby porn theatres and shit and tantric ostrich sex and date rape drugs and tantric ostrich sex via date rape drugs and shit and shitting and and and and and



forgive me, it's all a little tiring.

this is a bizarro private detective novel concerning a missing alternate version of the U.S. constitution, filtered through sleazy grindhouse movies and William S. Burroughs. except it lacks the energetic nastiness of a grindhouse movie and the strange & challenging & often beautifully disturbing language of Burroughs. the prose is prosaic. B-O-R-I-N-G--P-R-O-S-E. and i need interesting wordsmithery if i'm going to put up with this eyerolling nonsense. monotonous prose detailing repulsive things makes my head hurt and i start thinking that the person who wrote this doesn't get out much and is desperately trying to shock me and is maybe in junior high school. but did i ever find the idea of someone shitting the bed to be funny, even in junior high? anyway, i gave up.

Warren Ellis is one of my favorite comic book writers and with Crooked Little Vein (great title, btw) he fearlessly dived into the world of the full-length novel. reading the first half of this made me think that some folks should just stick with what they know. Ellis is a part of my extra-special Top 3 Favorite Comic Writers of All Time and since i don't want to mess with his stats or my really positive feelings about him, i think giving up was the right idea. sorry Dave. you'll get your book back shortly. you too Warren, sorry. i still love you both, i really do! neither of you hate me for this review, pretty please with some shit on top.

[Richard Derus · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating: 3.5* of five

The Book Report: How bad can a day get? Mike McGill can tell you, and he'd be right. But he doesn't know *exactly* how bad a day can be until the White House Chief of Staff (bear in mind the book came out in 2007, adjust your mental compass, and go from there) walks into his office with a deal he can't refuse.

Hey, after waking up naked in your office chair with a rat pissing in your coffee mug, why would anyone refuse any deal?

So Mike gets a half million dollars in expense money, a "handheld computer" that hinges open (nothing ages worse than hi-tech), a phone number to call in case of emergency (555-555-5555, "we invented that, son, and gave it to Hollywood, but it really works for *us*"), and some new clothes, and starts following cold leads into seamy, icky, disgusting corners of the world that I choose to believe the sickfuckopath (© 2011 Stephen Sullivan, used by permission) who dreamt up this horrifying little odyssey invented whole and entire, in search of a magical copy of the United States Constitution that Ben Franklin had bound in the hide of an alien he killed during his embassy to Paris. A copy of the Constitution that Nixon, during his Vice Presidential stint, traded to a Chinese spy for sex.

It goes without saying that clearly we're not in 1+1=2 reality any more, and all expectations needs must be recalibrated accordingly.

I can't and won't reproduce the course of the hero through the obstacles and labors set in his path, the trickster god making paths smooth and then throwing turmoil into his journey, the monsters and the temptations and the Bright Shining Goal suddenly losing its luster...this is the Hero's Journey. Google it if need be. It's well done, and it's laugh-out-loud funny for 2/3 of its length and it's got the currently fashionable pseudolibertarian underpinnings that have such wide appeal.

But Crooked Little Vein winds its way through a very, very old forest on a well-watered course.

My Review: Wherein the ding in my rating from 4.5, to 4, to an ending of 3.5 stars of five. It's a lot of fun, and the narrator of this edition (it's not next to me and I'm too damn lazy to get up and see what his name is) does a really really good job with it. But I stopped laughing after the Baby Jesus Butt Plug incident came damn close to getting me hospitalized from lack of oxygen.

A Quest has a material purpose, where the Hero's Journey does not. When the Hero goes on a Journey, he's looking for wisdom, he's undergoing a rite of passage, he's serving a cause; and when he's on a Quest, he's looking for an object. Mike does both. That's sloppy storytelling. Yes, of course it's true that all Quests return wisdom as one of their take-aways, but the material object of the Quest remains valuable in and of itself. This book sets up a Quest. It delivers the Hero's Journey.

And it's a little too in love with its edgy, wacked-out sensibility. One character Mike meets on a flight from Las Vegas to LA is so extremely over-the-toply A Mouthpiece For A Message that I almost gave up and returned the CDs to the library. He gave away the most gratuitous seeming twist in the ending that I didn't like on aesthetic, moral, or practical grounds, buried in a mound of trash talk that I just didn't like at all because, well, damn.

Should I recommend a book I'm so conflicted about? Well...Mike's journey comes to an end with, amazingly, his bank account full, his heart open, and his ya-ya in use for the foreseeable future. Find me a man who doesn't like that ending.

[Toby · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow, was this book disappointing. What should have been Ellis's introduction to the print world became a collection of hey-guys-look-at-this-crazy-shit-I-found-on-the-internet-and-posted-on-my-blog-already, strung together by the thinnest of narratives. There are occasional sentences that smack of the author's way with words, but it's hardly worth the trudge through the rest of the book.

[Kemper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, this is just all kinds of messed up…..

Mike McGill is a private detective with bizarre luck that has him constantly getting mixed up in things he’d rather not know about like guys who have sex with ostriches. The creepy and corrupt White House chief of staff wants to use Mike’s tendency to be a ‘shit magnet’ to help him track down a book that contains the Secret Constitution of the United States that the administration will use to stop all the weirdness that has been going on since Nixon gave the book to a Chinese prostitute.

Mike isn’t happy about the job, but the money is too good to pass up. Soon he meets Trix, a free spirited and sexually adventurous young woman who agrees to help him find the book, but Mike will be confronted with everything from groups of people masturbating to Godzilla movies to men who inject saline into their testicles for funsies to a publicity conscious serial killer to a rich old bastard who makes Howard Hughes look sane.

Comic book writer Warren Ellis did a great job of creating an offbeat book that made me laugh as much as it made me say, “EWWWW!!” Along with the weirdness is a theme that makes you think about what makes something mainstream and what exactly should be considered a perversion?

Not for the faint of heart, but a helluva lot of fun for those not easily offended or grossed out.

[Gabrielle (Reading Rampage) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Updated review after a re-read in November 2018

--

This book is not for the faint-hearted or the easily shocked. I am pretty unflappable, and yet this book had me going “WTF did I just read?!”. When I turned the last page of “Crooked Little Vein”, I was laughing and grossed out simultaneously. There were now images in my mind I would never be able to un-see and I was having very mixed feelings about that. Ellis is transgressive and irreverent, and that is an awesome thing, but he gives me wicked book hangovers…

If you have a strong stomach and a really messed-up sense of humour (hello liked-minded people!) you will find this book brilliant and entertaining. If you get offended or disturbed easily, put the book down and back away slowly. Warren Ellis packed a lot of weirdness in this little book, and the weirdest thing of all is that most of said weird stuff is actually real… Yup, the legendary graphic novel writer sifted the Internet’s murky corners until he found the most depraved and messed up things he could get his hands on and let that inspire him to write this hysterical, surreal travelogue.

A spectacularly unlucky P.E. is hired by a very creepy Chief of Staff to retrieve the secret Constitution of the United States – you know, the one bound in the skin of an alien Ben Franklin killed and that Nixon traded for the sexual favours of a Chinese spy? This quest takes him through a very surreal underground, where he reluctantly picks up a strangely liberated and experimental sidekick and comes dangerously close to losing his mind. The novel is set up to be a noir detective story, but Ellis subverted the genre’s tropes: there is violence and sex, but not the kind you’d expect, unless you are into Godzilla bukkake.

I think Ellis was trying, in his own very twisted way, to make the readers ask themselves exactly what constitutes mainstream in this day and age. Our protagonist, Mike, is constantly baffled and weirded out, but his friend Trix takes it all in strides – she is often surprised that Mike hasn’t heard about people doing stuff like injecting saline solutions into their junk. Doesn’t everyone know about that (I had never heard of that particular practice, but I’m guess I am way more vanilla than I thought)?! OK, Trix is considered to be a student of the “weird”, but again, what criteria does one base themselves on to qualify another person as weird? The standards are different for everyone: most “normal” people freak me out, after all…

Our very atypical leading duo had me completely invested in their quest, and I laughed and shuddered until the surprisingly satisfying conclusion. Ellis’ prose is funny, in a really offbeat way. The second half is a bit rushed, and I think the book would have been better with a bit more meat around the bone, but it is still a fun and thought-provoking ride. I honestly don’t know what else to say about this bizarre little novel: it has to be experienced to be understood, and I highly recommend it to adventurous readers who do not mind having their brain fucked with.

[Olethros · Rating 3 out of 5]

-Humor chapoteante y crítica solapada.-

Género. Novela.

Lo que nos cuenta. El libro Camino tortuoso (publicación original: Crooked Little Vein, 2007) nos presenta a Michael McGill, investigador privado de medio pelo que parece atraer las cosas raras como un imán, al quien el jefe de gabinete de la oficina del Presidente de los Estados Unidos de América contrata por un generoso sueldo para que encuentre la otra constitución del país, un documento secreto, con enmiendas invisibles, encuadernado en piel alienígena y con otras particulares que permitirán que América vuelva a ser América. Junto a una ayudante inesperada, Michael comenzará la búsqueda.

¿Quiere saber más de este libro, sin spoilers? Visite:

http://librosdeolethros.blogspot.com/...

[Bryant Durrell · Rating 1 out of 5]

Warren Ellis reads the Internet, and if I didn't read the Internet I could learn a lot about the perverse side of society by reading this book. Unfortunately, I do read the Internet, so it's not really news.

And then there's the point at which a bunch of people tell the protagonist he needs to shut up and participate in their particular kink or they won't give him the information they need. This is not depicted as a negative thing, oddly. Isn't there a word for that?

[Brandon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mike McGill is a self-professed shit magnet and as an independent private investigator, he’s brought some bizzare work by some even stranger clientele. However, nothing holds a candle to the job he’s been hired for by the president’s heroin-addicted chief of staff. Tasked with tracking down a secret second constitution, Mike is about to push his sanity to its absolute breaking point; to a place he may never return from.

If watching a copy of Godzilla spliced with audio from a porno seems like your thing, then this book may be for you.

If injecting saline into your testicles with a group of spray-tanned body builders sounds like a good time, then this book may be for you.

If milking a cow using your mouth sounds like a refreshing way to quench your thirst, then this book may be for you.

Enough of the tired, Jeff Foxworthy routine. This book is straight up whack (are cool people still using this word?). Ellis does a great job injecting a wild and weird plot into the tried and true detective genre. While it’s not particularly as smooth or satisfying as your standard hard boiled fare, it’s not particularly bad either.

I feel almost like Ellis created all these insane characters first and the story came later. While the whole quest to track down the alien bound secret constitution is absolute insanity, what should really be taken away from Ellis’ story is what it means to be free. Sure, people can do some seriously messed up stuff but if they’re not hurting anyone, who are we to judge? While The White House longs for the days of the nuclear family and the white picket fence, sacrificing personal freedom for old fashioned values probably isn’t the path to take.

Crooked Little Vein is a fun, short read. If you’re a fan of the first person detective genre and are looking for something different, this will certainly pull you out of your funk.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Down and out detective Michael McGill gets hired by a shady government type to find the Constituition. The real Constitution. McGill's case takes him deeper and deeper into a bizarre subculture of sex and drugs. Can he find the Constitution AND maintain his sanity?

I bought this in an airport a few years ago and devoured it on a three hour flight. I was a big fan of Ellis's after reading the Transmetropolitan comic for a couple years and wanted to see what he could do with a novel.

Ellis surprised the hell out of me. The Crooked Little Vein is one part noir, two parts weirdness. McGill's quest leads him throuh all kinds of weirdness. We get people masturbating to Godzilla movies, people injecting their genitals with saline, and all kinds of other strangeness. Not for the easily offended but quite an entertaining read.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rarely do I pay attention to cover blurbs on books. However, one of the blurbs on the back cover of this book reads "Warren Ellis writes like a bipolar Raymond Chandler." Wow, count me in...

One of my friends refers to books like this as "literary Skittles" - which means that it is a really fun read that contains little to no literary edification.

Mike McGill is a down-on-his-luck, small time private eye who gets roped into searching for a lost copy of the US Constitution. The Macguffin is in fact a secret copy of a second constitution that few have read, and the powers that be want it back. Along the way he gets involved in much weirdness and sex. The sex varies from the kind that makes you smile to the kind that makes you cringe. I'm tempted to google a couple of the more peculiar fetishes described in this book, but i'm not sure how I would feel if it turned out that real people are truly engaged in these activities.

The absurdity in 'Crooked Little Vein' began to get a little too thick near the final third of the book, but Ellis reigns it in near the end and ties up the story nicely. His writing style does hint at a bipolar, incredibly funny Chandler, and I also hear a little bit of William Gibson in the way that the plot is structured. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

"I navigated past the swarm the best I could. Some of them floated in my direction while appearing to be continuing their conversations. I rearranged my jacket, allowing them to see my gun. Six backed off, but three got erections."

"He smiled in the dark, showing me teeth that would've made Shane MacGowen puke."

"She had a dirty laugh. Green eyes studied me from picture frames of intricate eyeliner and shadow. I was abstractly aware of wanting her to like me."

"I invented five new swear words in six seconds."

I'm thinking that this book will seem dated in a few years, but it is a super fun read for anyone who is not easily offended or freaked out.

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the interest of full disclosure, I listened to this as an Audiobook. I usually don't do that on my first read-through of a book.

Simply said, I really enjoyed this book, as I tend to enjoy most of Ellis' work. It has his familiar irreverent humor, and the clever sharp-edged social satire that I've come to love from him.

Fair warning: Ellis is not for everyone. If you are the sort of person who is offended at frank and open discussions of alternative sexuality, this probably isn't for you.

[Noah Soudrette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Boy, where do I start with this one? First off, let me warn those who find certain fetishes, or sexual behaviors, to be weird or disturbing, that this novel may bother you greatly. However, it also may change how you view "weird" sexuality. It's not that this book is only about sex. It's not. It's just mostly about sex. What people find pleasurable in a sexual context varies wildly here. We see everything from Godzilla porn, to saline injections into the testicles and labia, to STD Russian roulette, to latex injections into the ass of a tranny hooker. Does this book attempt to bring into light some of the stranger sexual activities that go on under the surface of our society? Not at all. In fact, this book believes these things stand boldly in the light all ready.

If one were to try and nail down the main thematic thrust of this novel, it would be the nature of what we call "mainstream" in our culture. Our main character is Mike. Mike's the kind of guy life shits all over, so he tends to stay away from life whenever possible. Part of Mike's problem is all the weird stuff he encounters in his job. Mike eventually meets Trix who tries to change his perspective on his life. Most people would call Trix a weird chick. While Trix is a student of the "weird", she doesn't see it that way. In Trix's mind, that which is easily accessible by your average person, is as much a part of the mainstream as anything else. Here's an example. Anal sex was once a very taboo subject and it was nearly impossible for someone to find any film or photos depicting the act. Well, nowadays, it seems everyone has anal sex (slight exaggeration) and anyone can bring up photos or videos of this act in seconds on the internet, or go out to the store and buy a magazine or video. As odd as it sounds, anal sex is mainstream. It is through this criteria that Trix posits things like Godzilla porn and saline injections into ones testicles, which one can find info on in a few seconds online, is also now mainstream because of this fact. Personally, I'd never heard of the whole saline-in-the-nuts practice before. When I mentioned it to a coworker one day, he knew all about it. We're talking about a very straight shooter here too. He just happened to accumulate knowledge of this practice somewhere along the line, be it on TV, a book, or the internet. Frankly, whether you agree or disagree with this definition of mainstream is moot. The point here is to simply get you thinking about your perspectives. Personally, after talking to my coworker, I'm inclined to go along with the point.

Now, I don;t want to give you the impression this is all there is to this book. This is still a highly amusing hard boiled crime/detective novel in the vein of Mickey Spillane and Raymond Chandler. The thing that surprised me the most about this book (yes, even more than testicles the size of large melons) was how invested I became in the characters. You really care about this people, and Mike and Trix make a great team. I hope to see them again in future novels. For a first effort, Warren Ellis has really hit it out of the park.

[Jason Pettus · Rating 4 out of 5]

(My full review of this book is much longer than GoodReads' word-count limitations. Find the entire essay at the Chicago Center for Literature and Photography [cclapcenter.com:].)

All hail Warren Ellis! Er, don't smack me for saying that, Mr. Ellis! For that's a big reason why so many people so passionately love this "weird" author, gonzo blogger and comics veteran; because he takes no sh-t, rarely grants interviews, calls people to the carpet in public when they're in the wrong, and will pursue fights with both individuals and corporations as long as he feels he needs to, sometimes simply to make a theoretical point. But then again, many feel that he's earned the right to be this way; still technically in his thirties (he turns 40 later this year), he's been professionally involved in mainstream comics now since 1994, is the author of one of the most beloved transgressive titles of all time (Vertigo's Transmetropolitan), writes a column for postmodern porn site Suicide Girls, writes another column about the videogame Second Life for the mainstream news agency Reuters, wrote the screenplay for the upcoming film adaptation of Castlevania: Dracula's Curse, and has even been ascribed by Wikipedia (take that as you will) as having more trade publications in print than any other comics professional alive. Whew! ALL HAIL WARREN ELLIS! Ow, why'd you smack me?!

And now you can add "novelist" to this unending list of achievements under Ellis' belt, damnit; just last summer, in fact, saw the publication of his first full-length prose book, the deeply subversive fictional look at America's real cultural underground, Crooked Little Vein. In fact, this is an excellent place to start when talking about the book, is the circumstances behind it -- that I'm not exaggerating, it really is based mostly on true "stories of the weird" that actually exist in the real world, most of which Ellis learned about because of the devoted readers of his various websites and fan forums. This is what Ellis does, after all, both as a hobby and a profession, is endlessly sift through the cultural detritus of society, finding just the strangest of the strange and floating it up enough for all of us to see it too. If you're already a fan, for example, of such classic transgressive projects as The Illuminatus Trilogy and Church of the Sub-Genius, you're going to immediately understand where Ellis is coming from here with Crooked Little Vein and what he's trying to artistically accomplish; and if you're not familiar with these projects already, then hold on, buddy, 'cause you're in for a bumpy ride.

Because "transgressive," when all is said and done, is basically about ripping the cover off safe and bland mainstream society, about...

[Kaylyssa Quinn · Rating 2 out of 5]

A REVIEW IN THE FORM OF A LIST OF BRITISHISMS IN WARREN ELLIS'S CROOKED LITTLE VEIN:

Page 3: "Called" instead of "named." [This, page 3, is when I thought to myself, "Oh maybe the author is British" and did a quick google to confirm. "Silly Warren Ellis," I thought, "Here in America we say people are NAMED Bob, not CALLED Bob." Little did I know what I was in for.]

Page 7: "Drink problem" instead of "drinking problem."

Page 21: "At Thanksgiving" instead of "on Thanksgiving."

Page 26: "Neckbits." [Ah here begins the deluge of "bits." AMERICANS DON'T SAY "BIT." We say "a little bit" and "For my next bit, I need a volunteer!" In most other contexts, we say "part." A hardened private eye from Chicago DOES NOT TALK ABOUT HIS "BITS." Note: I know "neckbits" is a made-up word, but it's a British-y made up word.]

Page 26: “Porno.” [This could be argued as an outdated American word rather than a Britishism, but from my extensive viewings of British television, I know that modern Brits do in fact still say the word “porno” in serious contexts, while here in America we have been exclusively saying "porn" without the "o" since like 1983.]

Page 33: “Some poor mad bastard.” [Hey Warren Ellis, quick tip for writing an American character: unless we are specifically referencing the Mad Hatter or a mad scientist, the word “mad” means “angry” and not “crazy.” If we ever say “I’ve gone mad!” We do it dramatically, in a funny accent, sort of like how you wrote this book.]

Page 39: “Barman” instead of “bartender”

Page 40: Something floating “about" someone's head instead of “around.” [I feel like I knew Brits say “about” when we say “around” when I was 12, but hey I’m not an editor of best-selling novels so what do I know?]

Page 52: “What do they do with the black guys, burn ‘em in piles round back?” [This cutesy very-British phrase of “round back” was uttered by a black male NYC cab driver.]

Page 54: “Mounted the plane.” [I couldn’t find confirmation that this was a Britishism on google, but here in America I have never done anything other than board a plane.]

Page 55: “Bear that one in mind.” [Don’t try to argue. We’d say “keep.”]

Page 70: “Hang a sign around my neck reading I Am a Boring Asshole.” [he got the “a” in “around” and forgot we would never say a sign “reads” something; signs “say” things.]

Page 72: “Spin round and round.” [Wow people in Ohio sure are weird.]

Page 77: “Leave the house with her bits out.” [Again, an American would never, EVER say this.]

Page 78: “Pants fastening.” [What’s a pants fastening?]

Page 87: “Bits” again

Page 93: “Bob had acquired a bit of Texas in his accent.” [Bob doesn’t have an accent, he’s American, like you, Mike. If he is putting on a Texas accent, say that.]

Page 101: “Mad old rich guy.” [see above]

Page 126: “Haven’t taken heroin” [Here in America, we “do” heroin.]

Page 127: “I’ve not been in the best mood.” [Try to say that NOT in a British accent.]

Page 140: Another “about” instead of “around.”

Page 161: “America’s Terror: The Mad Virgin.” [Was he angry because he couldn’t get laid?]

Page 171: “Car hire” instead of “rental car.”

Page 179: A “common-or garden” pimp instead of maybe “garden variety”? [Had to look that one up to even see what it meant.]

Page 183: “I trod on her foot.” [Why, because it was suddenly stepping on English soil?]

Page 184: “Messroom” instead of “cafeteria.”

Page 195 (and others): “Underpants.” [I tried to let this one slide because we do say it, but come on, Mike McGill would say “underwear” AND EVERYONE BUT YOU KNOWS IT.]

Page 195: “Shockey.” [Another made-up but British-y word]

Page 197: “Todger.” [Disclaimer: this item as well as the next two were said by a man of unidentified origin on a plane to L.A. Maybe the guy was British which is why he said British-sounding things. Although that wouldn’t explain why he talks just like our American hero, Mike McGill.]

Page 201: “Mummy” instead of “Mommy.”

Page 201: “Cricket box.” [Apparently this is the cup that goes in your jock strap, I wouldn’t know, because WHY WOULD I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CRICKET???!!]

Page 202: “Had a go.” [Feeling less forgiving at this point. Britishism.]

Page 202: “Plastic drinks tumbler.” [A what? May I suggest the phrase, “plastic cup”? No? Okay.]

Page 204: “Short-stay parking” instead of “Short term parking.” [Send help, I’ve been looking for the “short stay” lot at LAX for two weeks now… need water… ]

Page 221: “hideous.” [Sick of letting this slide. Americans don’t use the word “hideous” as an adjective all that often. If we do, it usually means “ugly” and not “disgusting.” After 200 pages, this was the last, hideous straw.]

Pages 228-229, 231: Bit, bit, bits bit bit bit bit.

Page 229: “At Vegas” instead of “in Vegas.”

Page: 249: “Car park” instead of “parking lot.” [But oh, it gets better!]

Page 251: “Have sex on kids.” [Could not confirm that British people have sex “on” other British people, or if this was supposed to be funny or was just a typo. Sort of a serious scene so I’m gonna err on the side of Britishism.]

Page 256 (and others): “Underground carport.” [So, obviously he screwed up saying “car park” earlier and thought, “Oh what do they say in America though? Carport? Like, an airport for cars! Sounds good!” I googled it and it looks like carport means the same thing in old England as it does here: a shelter for a car consisting of a roof supported on posts, built beside a house. When in doubt, go with the word that’s wrong on both sides of the pond!]

Page 264: “Kitchen paper” instead of “paper towels.” [I keep learning new things!]

Page 266: “Five minutes’ time.” [I almost skipped this, but then I thought, have I ever in my life said “Five minutes’ time” when I mean “five minutes”? No.]

So yeah. Reading this book was like watching a movie with an entertaining (if heavy-handed and somewhat tryhard) plot, good pacing, a few funny moments, and oh yeah, every single actor is from different parts of the UK and putting on laughably terrible American accents the whole time, which is ironic, because the whole movie is about how American America is. “THAHTS WHAT YEW GET WHEN YA CAM TO SUCH A CANTRY AS AMERICAHH, WEIRD SEX BITS MATE!”

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Michael McGill, is a former Pinkerton detective, now burned out and trying to jump start his career as a self-employed PI. A self-described ‘shit magnet’ he has a strange ability to wind up in the weirdest situations whether related to a current case or not. Hired by the corrupt White House Chief of Staff to find the second ‘secret’ US Constitution, McGill finds himself on this unusual scavenger hunt across America. He is joined by a college student, Trix, who is writing a thesis on sexual fetishes as they explore the underbelly of American through this Crooked Little Vein.

I picked up Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis because while I like the idea of a weird take on the hard-boiled genre, I was eagerly anticipating the release of his new novel Gun Machine, which I’ve since read (review to come). I was pleasantly surprised but this novel and his hard-boiled style, but then I was weirded out by all the weird fetishes, that I had no idea existed.

Michael McGill finds himself with this bizarre case and what follows is just plain crazy; the term ‘shit-magnet’ is the only way to describe this washed up detective. McGill is a great character, trying hard to jump start his solo career as a private detective. Then you have Trix, the not so typical side-kick who’s current relationship status must be confusing to her as well. These two misfits struggle against the odds as they track through the seedy underworld to find this missing second United States Constitution.

This is not a typical Hard-Boiled novel; obviously, it blends elements of the genre with Ellis’ own unique brand of bizarre and dark humour. In the end this was just a slightly odd but thoroughly enjoyable novel. While it is hard to explain of the weird and wonderful things that happen in this novel at the risk of making this review NSFW, I think this book was just fresh and exciting but the narrative is not as strong as it should be.

This is the first novel by Warren Ellis whose main focus is comic book writing, so you have to forgive him for missing a strong narrative. His writing style seems to rely heavily on a visual aspect and while most of the imagery seems to work well, I can only hope he improves with his other novels. Having already read his latest, you’ll be pleased to know it has.

Ellis has spent way too much time on the internet, because he’s managed to research the weirdest sexual fetishes possible and then compile them into this one little book. This isn’t really a graphically explicit book, you will find out about some fetishes they you probably didn’t know existed but overall this book is pretty tame; just disturbing to think that people do these things for fun.

Crooked Little Vein is an odd book and it should be treated as such. The dark comedy in the book makes it worth reading alone, and then you have this really strange take on the pulp genre as an added bonus. Sure this book is never going to be for everyone but I’m glad I read and enjoyed it.

This review originally appeared on my blog; http://literary-exploration.com/2013/...

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

The more I think about this book, the more I hate it.

The back of the book promised that our hero would be traveling through "America's underbelly" to restore "God, civility, and Mom's apple pie". A back like that promises substance and satire.

Instead, this book was our intrepid hero running into different groups of people with bizarre fetishes. Ellis's idea of black comedy comes from having characters nonchalantly discuss their bizarre fetishes, which is funny, you see, because fetishes exist. It was extremely grating. It counted on the reader being as shocked as the hero to discover these fetishes, each and every time. I stopped being shocked after chapter one. Apparently Ellis thinks he is the only person in the world with internet access.

There were a few funny and enjoyable moments in this book. They were few and far between, and none of them had anything to do with sex.

Then the book starts having an utterly hypocritical moral of tolerance when we had just spent the entire book laughing at these people for being so different. Ellis even had the chutzpah to misappropriate feminism into his moral, which might have been a tad more convincing were it not for the fact that there was exactly one (1) female deviant character in the book, and her perversions were coincidentally more mild than those of any other character. This book is terrible on so many levels.

[Drew Canole · Rating 3 out of 5]

A private eye tale that feels like an excuse for Ellis to tell us a bunch of gross stuff that wouldn't fit into his comics. It treads similar ground as Desolation Jones but leaves out the action and swaps it for describing sexual fetishes. It's alright stuff, but Ellis is always so damn edgy and I don't think its aged particularly well.

I did like some references to technology. Ellis seems to have always been on the cutting edge of new consumer products. Elon Musk gets a mention here as the Paypal guy that started a rocket ship company, the good old days.

[Kevin Farrell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hell of a book. Very offensive to some. Not to me. I was highly entertained by the violence and sexual bizarreness that is on every page of this book. I read it in two sittings with some time off for sleep.

It was funny and sickening at the same time. I look forward to more from this author. Not recommended for everyone. If you like Palahniuk or Bukowski then COME ON DOWN and read this right now.

[Karl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This copy is 201 of 500

[Catharine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was recommended this book when I mentioned reading some other really fucked up books. The premise sounded good enough so I got to reading. I did enjoy this book, there is a good story but its not a GREAT story. Like many others have mentioned before, this book was written I think solely to be out there and to really push the limit of what someone can write. This book is definitely fucked up, but to be honest for me, it wasn't fucked up in the right kind of way.

I have read some really dark REALLY gory books and although they might gross me out, I enjoyed every second of the read. This book is more on the lines of being gross to just be gross? Being weird just to be weird? The story without all the weird stuff is not really there, and that's when you know you're just reading a book that's there for the ICK factor.

Essentially, this book is to shock people. The shock isn't necessary to the story, it IS the story. It's a good read but you'll kinda forget about it if you start reading other books that have shock AND substance. But it's alright!

[Sean · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hard-boiled, down-on-his-luck, borderline alcoholic chain-smoking detective meets young, promiscuous female ambassador of Lower East Side counterculture. Adventure and rancid dick jokes inevitably ensue.

I love Ellis. Love the man. He's a mix of Thompson with more animus and Vonnegut without that pesky undercurrent of charming humanism. That said, this novel will not for a second surprise anyone familiar with his work. 'Crooked Little Vein' has a well-fueled plot engine, scenes that could only spring from a genius brain soiled with cigarettes and methamphetamine, and a disregard for basic human dignity -- a currency Ellis would argue never really existed in the first place -- that will keep the pages going right-to-left. Trouble is, the story feels contorted and crammed, forced into the theoretical and aesthetic box that is the novel. One can't help but wonder if this story wouldn't have been put to better use in Ellis' mastered medium. Then again, we all knew that would be the most common criticism fired at the book upon its release.

In the end, it's just Ellis. And Godzilla bukkake. And testicle saline injections. And sociopathic teddy bears. And HIV rape contests. And that's enough.

(Although not enough to justify a $21.95 cover price for a 11,000-word novel. Fuck Harper Collins.)

[Rosamund · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm still not sure why I read this. Probably because I really enjoy a lot of the comics he's behind: Hellblazer is one of my favorite series, Planetary and The Authority were well-done, and Global Frequency was great if disappointingly short-lived. There's a lot I don't like about his comic book work, too: it's over-the-top, immature, kind of misogynist and pretty egoistical. As it turned out, I disliked Crooked Little Vein for the same reasons. Purple prose, one-dimensional characters masquerading as deep, and a plot sequence better set to pictures. The numerous gross-out sequences got kind of old too, again, much like in some of his comics. I mean, by the fifth foul, fucked-up image I was kind of bored: overusing disturbing imagery quickly nullifies its impact.

I think my roommate's boyfriend left if lying around.


Update: liked it more the second time around. Think I understood it a lot better. Still didn't think it was amazing.

[Horza]

AKA Hey Kids, Check Out Uncle Warren's Browser History!
AKA When In Doubt Have A Man Come Through The Door
AKA The MacGuffin... Is My Butt

Seven years old and already dated. But for the cutting 9/11 references it reads Clinton era, at times painfully so.

The characters are crayon sketches, the noir narration desperate and the plot threadbare while Ellis' satirical efforts extend to some sick burns on the religious right and uh, talk-radio. Nothing in this book is going to shock anyone who uses a computer for more than email and word puzzles or has walked past a William S. Burroughs book in a store once.

[Alex Louis]

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[Neil Campbell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to put this down from the start. "Stop reading, you don't need to hear this absurd filth" I told myself, but luckily I ignored the angel on the right for the devil on the left. The plot was intriguing even if some of the subject matter was crude and borderline offensive. But by the end, I realized this read like a graphic novel. Like my favorite series ever, Transmetropolitan, Crooked Little Vein was a graphic novel in text format, blurring the lines of reality with what makes visually stunning motion sequences and abrubt character mood swings. I loved this book when I looked at it through the graphic novel decoder glasses. I could see these characters and their actions fitting g into Spider Jerusalem's Vertigo universe. I would love to see some grindhouse flick of this. Just so bad it is awesome.

But for all the gross subplots involved, the main story is fascinating. Suggesting that a secret constitution created by the forefathers has supernatural powers and was traded to a hooker by Nixon and started the moral decline of the USA; since the alternate constitution could no longer magically transform the moral makeup of the citizenry back to Puritan standards, the government wanted it back to correct what they saw as aborant behavior emerging in the States. The book can encourage dialogue about what is a social moor and what is downright wrong.

I appreciate some of the history lesson I received at times in this book. Learning of some of Texas political history was my favorite lesson. I had to look up Ma Ferguson and some of the other Texas lore. And the alluding to the possibility that Trump may have wanted to trade a lifetime of free rent in New York to a tenent for the magic constitution even though this book published in 2007 could not have know Trump would run for office, and win, in 2016; man what a trip! Truly, I feel like I traveled the same Crooked Little Vein as Warren Ellis, well done sir.

[Joni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Un detective venido a menos, sin suerte ni clientes es visitado por el jefe de gabinete de la casa blanca y es encargado para recuperar un libro que resulta ser una segunda constitución antigua que podría cambiar el rumbo de la historia estadounidense. El encargo es super secreto pero el protagonista no hace más que contarle a cada personaje que se cruza de que va su odisea. El libro es divertido y como toda aventura detectivesca hay que ceder ante hechos fortuitos casi irreales. Lo mejor es el primer párrafo, muy divertido, lo leí varias veces, me preparó para algo que no resultó tan bueno pero entretenido al fin.

[Virginia · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's not that it isn't well written or interesting. I mean, it's ok. I'm a pretty crass and vulgar and somewhat disgusting person. However even I have my limits and it wasn't the alternative sex choices. It was the whole thing. I just didn't see the point. Especially why it had to be so foul. And if I say that it? It is its own special kind of foul.

[Jon Nakapalau · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is a secret Constitution that the Founding Fathers wrote...and down and out private dick Michael McGill has to find it. Black comedy about what McGill finds while looking for it.

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. More gruesome depravity from Warren Ellis. That man's mind is a brilliant sentient sewer rat and I love him. This is my least enjoyed work from him however.