Making Friends with Death: A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality

by Judith L. Lief

Drawing from  The Tibetan Book of the Dead , a Buddhist teacher “provides [readers] with the essential guidepost for embarking on the journey of life and the journey beyond” ( Journal of Hospice and Palliative Nursing )
 
In  Making Friends with Death,  Buddhist teacher Judith Lief, who's drawn her inspiration from the  Tibetan Book of the Dead,  shows us that through the powerful combination of contemplation of death and mindfulness practice, we can change how we relate to death, enhance our appreciation of everyday life, and use our developing acceptance of our own vulnerability as a basis for opening to others. She also offers a series of guidelines to help us reconnect with dying persons, whether they are friends or family, clients or patients.

Lief highlights the value of relating to the immediacy of death as an ongoing aspect of everyday life by offering readers a variety of practical methods that they can apply to their lives and work. These methods

• Simple mindfulness exercises for deepening awareness of moment-by-moment change
• Practices for cultivating loving-kindness
• Helpful slogans and guidelines for caregivers to use

Making Friends with Death  will enlighten anyone interested in coming to terms with their own mortality. More specifically, the contemplative approach presented here offers health professionals, students of death and dying, and people who are helping a dying friend or relative useful guidance and inspiration. It will show them how to ground their actions in awareness and compassion, so that the steps they take in dealing with pain and suffering will be more effective.

Genres: Buddhism, Spirituality, Nonfiction, Death, Religion, Philosophy

187 pages, Paperback

First published February 13, 2001

Reviews

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will reread this book--would recommend it to anyone. A must read in my view.

[Erica · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's curious, if you think about it, that death is so taboo (in the West) just as it's also undeniably ordinary. I picked up this book because I've been thinking a lot about climate change - feeling worried and fearful of this looming threat and thinking I need to come to terms with this kind of global suffering I read stories about every day. Obviously, this book doesn't address the topic on such a grand scale, but it's useful nonetheless. The book is roughly divided into two sections - coming to terms with one's own eventual death, and taking care of those who are dying (I would have liked to hear a little more situations with long-term emotional coping and death other than prolonged illness, but still...). The lessons are direct and peppered with useful examples. Like the author, I believe that keeping death in mind helps us appreciate life more. This book is a comforting discussion of the topic.

[Marty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh, wow. My 89 year old father’s death earlier in the year exposed so many, many raw things in my head and in my heart. This beautifully straightforward book by Judith Leif is helping me sort it all out. It would be easy to remember his death journey as utterly dysfunctional and filled with systems and family breakdown, but she reassures me all that crazy chaos was …. normal. Alcoholism had a major starring role in that mess. She doesn’t address this particular dysfunction directly, and I do still have many questions. But, her ideas are so real and true and human I can still see I did the very best I could. It was enough.

Did I make mistakes? Sure, I did. But also, I showed up, again and again, albeit unwillingly. Reading this in the aftermath, dreading what comes next, I’m gaining some insight I need as a living person who will face many more deaths, my mothers (the primary drinker) and, ahem, my own, included. I will return to this manual, I know for the strength and clarity I need to be a helper, have some dignity and not lose my own truth among the dying.

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought it was a really good read. It discusses both coming to grips with our own mortality as an ordinary part of our own lives, and then discusses how we can most effectively relate to and support friends/loved ones who are very sick or dying. In addition to the obvious teaching of impermanence, it also talks a lot about paying attention to what is going on in our own mind in this context. As I read the book, I realized a lot of these ideas translate well to just about any relationships with people.

[Annalisa Colbert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read it.

[Kate Belt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great ideas and workbook with humor and the author’s personal story.

[Sherry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just read it again for the second time. It's the kinds of book that takes on new meaning depending on when it's read. I think it's an important read for every human.

[Zhi Ling · Rating 4 out of 5]

A gentle confrontation and befriending of living and dying.

[Cyndie]

For me this was the beginning of learning about Buddhist ideology on death.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read, got some insightful information.

[Jane B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book both because of the clarity of the writing and the way it was organized. The author begins by helping the reader cultivate a personal awareness of death, a topic so frequently taboo in Western culture. She then proceeds to help us better understand our own fears of mortality and this leads to very useful guidelines for anyone who chooses to spend time with the dying.

[T. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is subtitled, "A Buddhist Guide," but its excellent for someone interesting in confronting their own mortality, no matter what their religion, and also for those dealing with someone who is dying, either because of their vocation or because of a personal relationship. It contains excellent points to consider when interacting with the dying person, their caregivers or family.

[Holly Harland · Rating 4 out of 5]

Suitable for anyone facing a life limiting disease. Also useful for all, in contemplating and considering a topic traditionally unspoken, especially in Western cultures. Very thought provoking and positively written

[Cynthia Paschen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great reference book for hospice volunteers.

[Loretta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this for anyone who is facing their own mortality, or a loved one's and wanting to know how to cope/be helpful/not cause harm. I found it clear, practical, and very helpful.

[Sue Klefstad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Making friends with death is making friends with life, in the Buddhist philosophy.

This book has a wonderful chapter on the meditative compassion practice of tonglen.