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Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
It-s over-and it really hurts. But as unbelievable as it may seem when you are in the throes of heartache, you can move past your breakup. Forget about trying to win your ex back. Forget about losing yourself and trying to make this person love you. Forget it! Starting today, this breakup is the best time to change your life for the better, inside and out. Getting Past Your Breakup is a proven roadmap for overcoming the painful end of any romantic relationship, even divorce. Through her workshops and popular blog, Susan Elliott has helped thousands of clients and readers transform their love lives. Now, she-ll help you put your energy back where it belongs-on you.
272 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 30, 2009
805 people are currently reading
2051 people want to read
About the author
Susan J. Elliott
7 books13 followersSusan Jean Elliott (born November 19, 1956) is an American author, media commentator, and lawyer from New York City. She wrote the book, Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.
See also Susan J. Elliott, geographer
See also Susan J. Elliott, geographer
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 170 reviews
May 9, 2014
Bullet Review:
DNF at 44% because i think I'm spending more time thinking about the ex reading it than learning how to move on.
This is a REALLY good book for those who have just endured break ups. Lots of good advice, stories, encouragement. That's why it gets 4 stars.
But enough time has passed from my own breakup (which, although happened in a rather abrupt, insensitive fashion, needed to happen long ago), that reading this book just makes me think of him MORE than I do on a daily basis! So instead of moving on, this book is actually making me dwell on it (not the book's fault, just where I am at in my healing). If I find I need some type of advice or comfort, I'll turn back to it, but it seems counterproductive at this point to continuing reading. I'd rather leave behind the ex and move on :)
In other news, I just wrote him a two page letter, apologizing for my faults (including how I should have broken up the relationship sooner because I didn't feel the same way about him) while also expressing how angry I was at him for lying and breaking up with me so coldly - and then I promptly shredded it. Felt GOOD.
DNF at 44% because i think I'm spending more time thinking about the ex reading it than learning how to move on.
This is a REALLY good book for those who have just endured break ups. Lots of good advice, stories, encouragement. That's why it gets 4 stars.
But enough time has passed from my own breakup (which, although happened in a rather abrupt, insensitive fashion, needed to happen long ago), that reading this book just makes me think of him MORE than I do on a daily basis! So instead of moving on, this book is actually making me dwell on it (not the book's fault, just where I am at in my healing). If I find I need some type of advice or comfort, I'll turn back to it, but it seems counterproductive at this point to continuing reading. I'd rather leave behind the ex and move on :)
In other news, I just wrote him a two page letter, apologizing for my faults (including how I should have broken up the relationship sooner because I didn't feel the same way about him) while also expressing how angry I was at him for lying and breaking up with me so coldly - and then I promptly shredded it. Felt GOOD.
October 9, 2011
Susan Elliott has a common sense no-holds-bar approach to changing the crazy thinking we sometimes indulge in when going through a break-up. I can say with complete enthusiasm and honesty, my break-up was a gift to me. Susan helped me transform the experience into the best thing that ever happened to me!
There's so many mantra treasures in the book:
A phone call is a request, not a demand.
It doesn't matter.
Keep your side of the street clean.
Love is an action.
Don't give up the day before the miracle happens.
I recommend this book to anyone that is having a hard time with a break-up. It truly is a book about dignity and grace, even during a break-up you can walk away a better person.
There's so many mantra treasures in the book:
A phone call is a request, not a demand.
It doesn't matter.
Keep your side of the street clean.
Love is an action.
Don't give up the day before the miracle happens.
I recommend this book to anyone that is having a hard time with a break-up. It truly is a book about dignity and grace, even during a break-up you can walk away a better person.
October 6, 2012
This insightful book has many good suggestions on how to get past a tough breakup and work through your grief. The author knows how to help people not only from her experience as a therapist and counselor, but as someone who has had to go through a devastating breakup herself. In the introduction, Susan Elliott describes her own experience in great detail, and she includes anecdotes from her past throughout the book.
I think her willingness to share her story really gives her advice an extra ounce of credibility. I'm much more willing to take her suggestions to heart because I know she's gone through a similar ordeal (actually, hers was MUCH worse than mine). She also does a great job at helping her readers figure out how to tailor her recommendations to fit themselves and their own lives. It's not simply, "Do this and you'll feel better." Elliott understands that everyone grieves differently and what works for one person may not work for another.
In short, I found this book very useful at a tough time in my life, and I would recommend it to anyone having trouble getting over a breakup.
I think her willingness to share her story really gives her advice an extra ounce of credibility. I'm much more willing to take her suggestions to heart because I know she's gone through a similar ordeal (actually, hers was MUCH worse than mine). She also does a great job at helping her readers figure out how to tailor her recommendations to fit themselves and their own lives. It's not simply, "Do this and you'll feel better." Elliott understands that everyone grieves differently and what works for one person may not work for another.
In short, I found this book very useful at a tough time in my life, and I would recommend it to anyone having trouble getting over a breakup.
July 27, 2018
قطعا این یکی از مهم ترین کتاب هایی بود که توی زندگیم خوندم. یاد گرفتم که نه تنها وداع کردن رو بلد نیستم بلکه توی مراقبت از خودم هم کوتاهی های زیادی کردم و دیگه وقتشه که تعاریف و اعمال زندگیم رو از نو بچینم. با تک تک فصل های این کتاب زندگی کردم و به خصوص فصلی که در مورد تجزیه و تحلیل روابط بود به شدت بهم کمک کرد. کتاب رو به دو زبان فارسی و انگلیسی خوندم چون یه سری جزییات حذف شده بود یا جور دیگه ای ترجمه شده بود که البته به محتوا صدمه نزده اما برای منی که انگلیسی بلدم توی زبان اصلی تاثیرگذاری بیشتری داشت. پیشنهادم اینه که اگه انگلیسیتون خوبه انگلیسی بخونیدش چون به شدت متن روونی داره.
من یادداشت های زیادی در طول کتاب برداشتم و اینجا وارد کردم. امیدوارم این کتاب رو توی شرایط سخت زندگی تون بخونید و مثل من آروم بگیرید.
من یادداشت های زیادی در طول کتاب برداشتم و اینجا وارد کردم. امیدوارم این کتاب رو توی شرایط سخت زندگی تون بخونید و مثل من آروم بگیرید.
August 1, 2017
This took me almost a year to read, and I'm still in two minds about it. Some of the advice is great, sure. But I found that I just didn't gel with it for the greater part.
And then, right at the end, in the section on dating:
"When you go out, sit back and relax. If you're normally chatty, try to hold off and listen to the other person. If you're normally shy and reserved, try to take more initiative in the conversation."
So, basically, don't be yourself. Which is, in fact, quite the opposite of relaxing. This is amidst talk of knowing who you are, being yourself, yada yada yada. Ugh. I don't think I'll be taking much away from this.
And then, right at the end, in the section on dating:
"When you go out, sit back and relax. If you're normally chatty, try to hold off and listen to the other person. If you're normally shy and reserved, try to take more initiative in the conversation."
So, basically, don't be yourself. Which is, in fact, quite the opposite of relaxing. This is amidst talk of knowing who you are, being yourself, yada yada yada. Ugh. I don't think I'll be taking much away from this.
November 11, 2017
Oh dear, I am afraid I did not get on with this book at all. Having just had my marriage collapse I have been reading one self-help book after another for the past few weeks. They pretty well all say the same thing, go through your grieving process, be kind to yourself do some self-analysis, see a therapist, (no surprise as they are nearly all written by therapists) and you will come out the other side a new stronger and by all accounts fitter person. They all recommend exercise, giving up smoking and drinking and taking up hobbies - all of this while dealing with the financial, domestic and legal problems one is facing and going to work - with no explanation of where one is going to find the time to do all this, let alone pay for it and indeed any idea that some of us like to smoke and drink and are not that keen on exercise and never have been. This one takes it a step further suggesting you write inventories of the relationship, your life and even suggests you look at your relationship with your parents to see if that is the reason you married/went out with the type of person you did. I cannot believe that when you are going through what is, in my humble opinion, a type of mourning process, it can be truly healthy to rehash every other relationship you have had in your life to see whether the collapse of your relationship boils down to how you were brought up and whether you have mummy/daddy issues. I accept that this is only my opinion and that others have found this book very helpful but it was not the right one for me.
November 27, 2019
i think this book has a lot of great advice mixed in with common sense, which is exactly what you need after a breakup. there were a few things that i didn't agree with or weren't relevant to me, there were also a few exercises i didn't want to do (sorry, there's absolutely no good reason to look back on and focus on good things). i chuckled a few times and overall i enjoyed it. do i recommend it after a breakup/divorce? i don't know that i learned anything groundbreaking or new exactly, and i think you have to be in the right space to really accept everything she's saying and be able to ignore the things that you know won't work for you/aren't relevant to you. but it was a good reminder of everything i already knew with a few different smaller ideas of how to make this part easier or to accept that it's all normal and all that jazz. so, yeah, i do recommend it, i'd read it at least a month or two afterwards though, not like, the day or week after.
August 6, 2012
As soon as my pay came in , I went on Amazon to buy a stack of breakup survival books . I heard about Susan Elliot's book on this forum I turned to for help .
I also read " It's called a breakup because it is broken " as well , which helped but that was more a fluffy read to cheer you up a bit .
But boy , GPYBU was NOT cheerful at all , it made me really dig deep about the relationship and about my past . And it made me depressed , it brought up emotions that I did not thin that I had inside of me .
And you know what ? I really needed that . I love how Susan invites you to look at other relationships , not just romantic ones that you had . Be that with your family , friends , bosses , flings etc . These are all contected and looking back at them and seeing the pattern can make you break that pattern so you do not attract the same people into your life .
I seriously think everyone should own this book , I am keeping this even when I find " the one " this is a life saver .
I also read " It's called a breakup because it is broken " as well , which helped but that was more a fluffy read to cheer you up a bit .
But boy , GPYBU was NOT cheerful at all , it made me really dig deep about the relationship and about my past . And it made me depressed , it brought up emotions that I did not thin that I had inside of me .
And you know what ? I really needed that . I love how Susan invites you to look at other relationships , not just romantic ones that you had . Be that with your family , friends , bosses , flings etc . These are all contected and looking back at them and seeing the pattern can make you break that pattern so you do not attract the same people into your life .
I seriously think everyone should own this book , I am keeping this even when I find " the one " this is a life saver .
July 13, 2014
I felt this book focused a lot on affirmations. Affirmations have never really worked that well for me. So, I was disappointed to see this being a big part of the book. However, I found the "here's what you can expect while processing a breakup" parts of the book to be very helpful. It was good to know I wasn't losing my mind, but was just experiencing normal responses to loss. At times, I wished this book had a more male perspective. I felt like it was heavily weighted toward a female perspective, which makes sense. I wish there was a male co-author to cover that side of things. Some of the advice just didn't fit my experience as a male.
February 7, 2023
Great book to normalize all the thoughts & feelings you might be going through after the breakup. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, guilty, numb. It’s okay to ruminate. It’s okay to question your decisions.
The book shifts the perspective on the breakup grief turning it into a valuable gift and an opportunity to rethink your approach to relationships - not only with your partner, but on a wider scale.
I have also liked the inventory exercises. They might seem simple, but give a lot of insight
The book shifts the perspective on the breakup grief turning it into a valuable gift and an opportunity to rethink your approach to relationships - not only with your partner, but on a wider scale.
I have also liked the inventory exercises. They might seem simple, but give a lot of insight
March 21, 2017
I was struggling, and still am, I needed help, so I picked up this book. While this isn't the literary panacea for the immense amount of pain that comes with losing someone you love, it is fairly helpful. I found the repeated stressing of having no contact with the ex and the personal inventories to be the most helpful. If you have little to no experience with mental health professionals and various mental health techniques and recommendations, this is actually a decent primer on setting boundaries, self-care and the importance of forgiveness. However, if this ain't your first rodeo, most of this you've heard before. Also, the author pimps her blog an awful lot, which is unfortunate, given that the blog is now defunct and the references she makes to it are now totally irrelevant and impossible to follow up on. I think the statement on the cover of "turning a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you" is an unrealistic promise and a tad heavy handed, so take it with a grain of salt. Mercily, this was pretty well written and concise, which I appreciated. (Nothing sucks more than reading a self-help book recommended by a friend that sounds like it was written either a robot or 7 y/o kid that never gets to the point.)
July 24, 2019
2019:
I loved this book just as much as the first time around. I learned that I have been using a lot of what I learned the first go around reading this book but I forgot where the advice came from. It was like talking to an old friend again.
This time, I was not just getting out a relationship but am trying to get into new ones. I wanted a reminder of what I should be doing to keep myself in the best place. I forget myself so quickly when i start to date. And online dating just sucks all the time. I also wanted to relisten to this as a precursor to Getting Back Out There. 500 stars even 8 yrs later!
2011:
Wonderful book. It was a lil deep for my current situation but the advice in it was awesome. The author really wants you to focus on yourself and gives you hands-on ways of helping yourself. I will refer back to it in the future.
I loved this book just as much as the first time around. I learned that I have been using a lot of what I learned the first go around reading this book but I forgot where the advice came from. It was like talking to an old friend again.
This time, I was not just getting out a relationship but am trying to get into new ones. I wanted a reminder of what I should be doing to keep myself in the best place. I forget myself so quickly when i start to date. And online dating just sucks all the time. I also wanted to relisten to this as a precursor to Getting Back Out There. 500 stars even 8 yrs later!
2011:
Wonderful book. It was a lil deep for my current situation but the advice in it was awesome. The author really wants you to focus on yourself and gives you hands-on ways of helping yourself. I will refer back to it in the future.
June 12, 2023
Chapter 2 (“The Rules of Disengagement”) alone was worth the price of admission—each one of Elliott’s 7 points felt like a personal call-out post! Lots of apt advice—and it’s always nice to be reminded that your experiences are universal and human. The emphasis on manifestation and journaling resonated less for me, but overall, I still thought this was really insightful and was impressed by how many supporting personal anecdotes the author shared.
January 22, 2018
I love this book and HATE THE TITLE. It's just the kind of title that would have turned me off except that 1. It receives amazing reviews and 2. I was in so much pain that I was willing to read anything to find some guidance on how to heal.
The reviews are good for a reason. The exercise of conducting an inventory of ALL your major relationships (parents, siblings, romantic, etc.) to see the patterns and identify larger issues that may be impacting your relationship decisions is so useful. She lays out, step by step, how this can be done and even how they can be cross referenced in order to more easily spot the patterns.
Im so pleased with all I've learned by reading this book and doing the exercises in it. I'm starting to find some space to heal and forgive and to realistically see the events leading up to my divorce in a constructive way. Literally a life saver.
The reviews are good for a reason. The exercise of conducting an inventory of ALL your major relationships (parents, siblings, romantic, etc.) to see the patterns and identify larger issues that may be impacting your relationship decisions is so useful. She lays out, step by step, how this can be done and even how they can be cross referenced in order to more easily spot the patterns.
Im so pleased with all I've learned by reading this book and doing the exercises in it. I'm starting to find some space to heal and forgive and to realistically see the events leading up to my divorce in a constructive way. Literally a life saver.
November 1, 2014
Great book with lots of helpful tps for those who are struggling with loss and trying to get over a breakup.one of the most important tips is to take care of yourself , emotionally and physically.also to get over someone , you should do the most obivious thing which is to follow the rule of "no contact" and stop give yourself excuses to contact that person .the relationship and life inventories are really eye-opening and bring to the surface the issues that need to be tackled
I luv that this book is actually written from a personal experience of the author and how she turned her life around.in order to get over a breakup, it's long healing process and this book shows you how, highly recommend it
November 25, 2017
Susan Elliott's book helped me more than any of the other self-help books I read during this very painful process. This is a "No BS" approach to helping you recover and get your life back to joy and fulfillment. Susan recognizes the time and work needed and understands there is no quick fix when life throws us such a curveball. She offers helpful exercises in order to analyze and understand how we got into such a difficult situation and how best to recover and move forward in a healthy way. She isn't jaded against love -- she has been there and knows well what a respectful, beautiful, considerate, loving relationship can be, and that's what she encourages and wants for each of us who are in need of her book.
June 1, 2016
Exactly what I need right now. Making the inventory makes so much sense. It does feel a bit like work, but I am coming to insights so fast. The whole concept of NC was one I adhered to already, but it's great to see this emphasized and my resolve strengthened.
Books such as these contain essential life lessons far more important than most things which are taught in schools. We need to be whole human beings and learn to deal with grief. This book is an excellent guide on that topic and allows me to come out on the other side of grief as a better person.
Books such as these contain essential life lessons far more important than most things which are taught in schools. We need to be whole human beings and learn to deal with grief. This book is an excellent guide on that topic and allows me to come out on the other side of grief as a better person.
March 12, 2013
This is a very helpful book. If you have been treated as badly as I have in your last relationship, this book helps you pick up the pieces and gives you steps on how to get back on track. I really liked the relationship inventory, and how it focuses on YOU doing the work in order to find out why you might be repeating dangerous patterns and how to find what you need to be healthy and find a way to happiness for yourself. Very good self-help, very straightforward.
August 1, 2015
I am not really a reader of self-help books, but a friend rated this book very highly, and I'd just gone through a horrific breakup, so I decided to give it a read.
Honestly, some of the advice is a bit hokey (I don't do affirmations and that sort of thing), but I did find the Relationship Inventories very helpful.
Worth a read if only for the Inventories, in order to try to break your pattern if you keep dating the same type of person.
Honestly, some of the advice is a bit hokey (I don't do affirmations and that sort of thing), but I did find the Relationship Inventories very helpful.
Worth a read if only for the Inventories, in order to try to break your pattern if you keep dating the same type of person.
January 3, 2018
I found this book to be very helpful for introspection and development of defenses against doing the same thing again. I will focus on the basics and rebuild my life and not worry about having a significant other. This book is helping me find the basics to work on to build the life I want and feel I deserve, if I put forth the effort.
Great read by a very qualified author!
Great read by a very qualified author!
January 18, 2018
Great book about getting past a breakup. I read it when I was going through one of the worst breakups of my life and this is one of my favorite quotes from the book:
"While there might be things about you that need improvement, that doesn’t mean that you are not a lovable, worthwhile person. In fact, it takes a lovable, worthwhile person to become willing to grow and get better."
"While there might be things about you that need improvement, that doesn’t mean that you are not a lovable, worthwhile person. In fact, it takes a lovable, worthwhile person to become willing to grow and get better."
July 23, 2015
More of the same.
Oh, ick. Another book of platitudes, positive affirmations, and the stages of grief. If you have ever been to therapy, or done any self-reflection, this book is not for you. If you have never done any internal work of any kind, you might get something out of it.
Oh, ick. Another book of platitudes, positive affirmations, and the stages of grief. If you have ever been to therapy, or done any self-reflection, this book is not for you. If you have never done any internal work of any kind, you might get something out of it.
February 13, 2019
Until this book, I had never had the good fortune to learn of practical and feasible steps to take to get through a breakup. There was so much talk of what I really experience in life and hope to change for the better in the future.
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May 30, 2020I think this book has something for everyone. It can be read by people at all different stages of breakup related grief. I took many elementary lessons, many intermediate lessons, and many advanced lessons from this book. I was already aware of many elementary lessons, many intermediate lessons, and many advanced lessons from this book. In other words, my knowledge and skills were (are still) uneven.
"... I was trying to win approval of people who had never really approved of me."
"I've heard endless reasons people stay in touch, from “I think we could be friends” to “I want to be available in case a reconciliation is possible.""
Low self esteem, self worth.
Fear of abandonment
"There may be past losses you've been afraid to face, and the pain of this new loss has opened the floodgates, allowing old losses to rush to the surface and compound the pain."
"My therapist would later explain to me that “water seeks its own level” and that your partner’s flaws and issues usually go hand in hand with your own. A person chooses a partner with a similar degree of “brokenness” and does a dance of dysfunction where they both know the steps. Therefore, one person cannot be so much healthier than the other. Healthy people do not dance with unhealthy people."
""Can't we be friends?" ... You might initially be flattered that he or she cant imagine life without you. But honestly, it usually has more to do with your ex's inability to end things than a true desire to keep you around."
"The person who pushes to be friends is usually the one who doesn't want the commitment or responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the companionship or someone familiar."
"You don't need answers or explanations to find closure. No matter what the loss, the closure comes from inside you. You may have many questions but you need to accept that some will never be answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you, and are not going to give you a sense of closure. It is your responsibility that you might have to close this chapter without answers, without explanations and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it is necessary."
"Another possibility is that the quest for closure may actually make you feel worse. The ex could choose to ignore you completely. One woman wrote "I decided to go [no contact], but planned on sending a goodbye and thanks for all the memories closure email. I told myself that I expected no reply, but j know that when I don't get one, I will be crushed. That will do me no good. So I have decided against the closure email."
"I have stayed in communication with my ex to remain in a holding pattern. Waiting until she wants me back again. I thought there was no sense in grieving if we were getting back together. I couldn't admit my fear that if I stopped contacting her, I would ruin all chances of her coming back."
Most simply put:
"Examining your quest for contact, and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact."
"You might begin to wonder how you can turn yourself in to or back in to someone that this person will love. "I'll be quieter. Thinner. Happier. I won't complain so much. I won't rock the boat. I'll like the insufferable family and friends whom I couldn't stand before. I'll go back to school. I'll stop going to school. I'll wear different clothes. I'll buy a new car. I'll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I'll work in a different industry. I'll muzzle my kids. I'll clean more. I'll clean less. I'll cook gormet meals. I'll listen when spoken to. I'll go to bed earlier. I'll go to bed later. I'll go to church. I'll stop going to church. I'll do it all. I'll do nothing. I'll be more, I'll be less. I'll be everything and anything other than what I am being right now. I'll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it."
"...all those months since the breakup, I had never looked honestly at the relarionship, I had just been moping around, remembering things very selectively."
"Often when people are grieving, they tend to view their former relationship in a light that doesn't accurately reflect reality. Remembering certain parts and forgetting other parts is called splitting. We compartmentalise the good parts and bad parts and only visit the parts we want to. Splitting always us to become lost in and controlled by our emotions and our fantasies."
"We tend to repeat our history if we don't study it, and understand it, and then choose to do it differently next time based on what we learned from taking the time to dig deeper."
"Do you tend to feel like people walk all over you? Do you have a hard time saying no? Are you afraid to express your needs to a partner for fear of an argument or of being left? Do you feel mean if you don't let someone do what he or she wants? Are you afraid people won't like you if you tell them that something their doing is not okay with you?"
"What are boundaries? Quite simply, boundaries are a border, a limited, or a standard."
"...you know how to say no, and when you say yes, it is of your own volition, and without coercion, feelings of guilt, or an overblown sense of duty. You set limits on how much you give to others and know the supply is not endless. You have clearly defined limits with parents, children, friends, lovers, work acquaintances, store keepers, customer service representatives, the bank teller, the reservation clerk, the cat sitter, the dog groomer, everyone. And no one takes advantage of you. You take care of yourself, and let people know they can't invade the space you have defined as yours. You say what you mean and mean what you say, without being mean. And your needs get met because you are not afraid to say what they are."
"There is a saying, a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. This means do not allow others to make their problems yours."
"I receive an email every few weeks from someone caught up in a social networking drama. No matter how many times I tell people to stay off their ex's social networking page, they continue to peek, and often are devastated by the results. The people who write are men, women, old, young."
Regarding social media - "Are you interpreting everything he or she does and try to figure out which things are really secret messages to you?" And "Playing games through this or any other medium is unhealthy. Healthy people don't spend their lives trying to send subliminal messages to people who may or may not be reading."
On vacation pictures being false representations - "Did you take pictures of breaking down on the side of the road in the pouring rain on the side of the road in a country where no one speaks your language? No. You took pictures of laughing smiling faces on a boat on a sunny day. What goes on your [social media] page - 'look at us having a good time'. It's a skewed and often misleading picture. People don't put up their fights, disagreements and the day I threw the iced tea at him.and stomped out on Facebook. They don't put their doubts, their pressure, their issues with their partner on [social media] and they don't invite people over to look at the slides of their recent falling out. They show you the sunny side of the street no matter who they are. Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."
On deleting social media accounts "If you don't want a haircut, don't hang around the barber shop."
"... I was trying to win approval of people who had never really approved of me."
"I've heard endless reasons people stay in touch, from “I think we could be friends” to “I want to be available in case a reconciliation is possible.""
Low self esteem, self worth.
Fear of abandonment
"There may be past losses you've been afraid to face, and the pain of this new loss has opened the floodgates, allowing old losses to rush to the surface and compound the pain."
"My therapist would later explain to me that “water seeks its own level” and that your partner’s flaws and issues usually go hand in hand with your own. A person chooses a partner with a similar degree of “brokenness” and does a dance of dysfunction where they both know the steps. Therefore, one person cannot be so much healthier than the other. Healthy people do not dance with unhealthy people."
""Can't we be friends?" ... You might initially be flattered that he or she cant imagine life without you. But honestly, it usually has more to do with your ex's inability to end things than a true desire to keep you around."
"The person who pushes to be friends is usually the one who doesn't want the commitment or responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the companionship or someone familiar."
"You don't need answers or explanations to find closure. No matter what the loss, the closure comes from inside you. You may have many questions but you need to accept that some will never be answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you, and are not going to give you a sense of closure. It is your responsibility that you might have to close this chapter without answers, without explanations and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it is necessary."
"Another possibility is that the quest for closure may actually make you feel worse. The ex could choose to ignore you completely. One woman wrote "I decided to go [no contact], but planned on sending a goodbye and thanks for all the memories closure email. I told myself that I expected no reply, but j know that when I don't get one, I will be crushed. That will do me no good. So I have decided against the closure email."
"I have stayed in communication with my ex to remain in a holding pattern. Waiting until she wants me back again. I thought there was no sense in grieving if we were getting back together. I couldn't admit my fear that if I stopped contacting her, I would ruin all chances of her coming back."
Most simply put:
"Examining your quest for contact, and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact."
"You might begin to wonder how you can turn yourself in to or back in to someone that this person will love. "I'll be quieter. Thinner. Happier. I won't complain so much. I won't rock the boat. I'll like the insufferable family and friends whom I couldn't stand before. I'll go back to school. I'll stop going to school. I'll wear different clothes. I'll buy a new car. I'll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I'll work in a different industry. I'll muzzle my kids. I'll clean more. I'll clean less. I'll cook gormet meals. I'll listen when spoken to. I'll go to bed earlier. I'll go to bed later. I'll go to church. I'll stop going to church. I'll do it all. I'll do nothing. I'll be more, I'll be less. I'll be everything and anything other than what I am being right now. I'll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it."
"...all those months since the breakup, I had never looked honestly at the relarionship, I had just been moping around, remembering things very selectively."
"Often when people are grieving, they tend to view their former relationship in a light that doesn't accurately reflect reality. Remembering certain parts and forgetting other parts is called splitting. We compartmentalise the good parts and bad parts and only visit the parts we want to. Splitting always us to become lost in and controlled by our emotions and our fantasies."
"We tend to repeat our history if we don't study it, and understand it, and then choose to do it differently next time based on what we learned from taking the time to dig deeper."
"Do you tend to feel like people walk all over you? Do you have a hard time saying no? Are you afraid to express your needs to a partner for fear of an argument or of being left? Do you feel mean if you don't let someone do what he or she wants? Are you afraid people won't like you if you tell them that something their doing is not okay with you?"
"What are boundaries? Quite simply, boundaries are a border, a limited, or a standard."
"...you know how to say no, and when you say yes, it is of your own volition, and without coercion, feelings of guilt, or an overblown sense of duty. You set limits on how much you give to others and know the supply is not endless. You have clearly defined limits with parents, children, friends, lovers, work acquaintances, store keepers, customer service representatives, the bank teller, the reservation clerk, the cat sitter, the dog groomer, everyone. And no one takes advantage of you. You take care of yourself, and let people know they can't invade the space you have defined as yours. You say what you mean and mean what you say, without being mean. And your needs get met because you are not afraid to say what they are."
"There is a saying, a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. This means do not allow others to make their problems yours."
"I receive an email every few weeks from someone caught up in a social networking drama. No matter how many times I tell people to stay off their ex's social networking page, they continue to peek, and often are devastated by the results. The people who write are men, women, old, young."
Regarding social media - "Are you interpreting everything he or she does and try to figure out which things are really secret messages to you?" And "Playing games through this or any other medium is unhealthy. Healthy people don't spend their lives trying to send subliminal messages to people who may or may not be reading."
On vacation pictures being false representations - "Did you take pictures of breaking down on the side of the road in the pouring rain on the side of the road in a country where no one speaks your language? No. You took pictures of laughing smiling faces on a boat on a sunny day. What goes on your [social media] page - 'look at us having a good time'. It's a skewed and often misleading picture. People don't put up their fights, disagreements and the day I threw the iced tea at him.and stomped out on Facebook. They don't put their doubts, their pressure, their issues with their partner on [social media] and they don't invite people over to look at the slides of their recent falling out. They show you the sunny side of the street no matter who they are. Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."
On deleting social media accounts "If you don't want a haircut, don't hang around the barber shop."
July 15, 2021
I just finished this book last night. It was about 2 years too late lol. I am in a good place nowadays however I could have really benefited from this book with its tips and suggestions if I read it after my past relationship years ago.
This book explores the importance of No Contact, ideas for hobbies, Journaling, importance of doing relationship and life inventories, tips on dealing with the phases ( not stages) of grief and many more aspects of the post relationship/ healing world. It's all about cleaning up your side of the street and healing and living with yourself. Author reiterates that you are the most important person. Need to set boundaries with others and focus on your happiness and self worth.
Anyone can read this at any stage of life and can take something positive out of this.
4-4.5 stars
This book explores the importance of No Contact, ideas for hobbies, Journaling, importance of doing relationship and life inventories, tips on dealing with the phases ( not stages) of grief and many more aspects of the post relationship/ healing world. It's all about cleaning up your side of the street and healing and living with yourself. Author reiterates that you are the most important person. Need to set boundaries with others and focus on your happiness and self worth.
Anyone can read this at any stage of life and can take something positive out of this.
4-4.5 stars
December 14, 2022
So, after reading 101 books on how to fix your relationship - not alone, seems to be the obvious conclusion - obviously, I now run to read 101 books on how to deal with your break up. Hooray me!
This was the second one I started reading and it has given me several good pointers and a lot of work to do. I liked it if only because of that.
Some of the advice on dating again seemed silly and some of it practical and I really liked that even though in this book the author shares the harrowing story of her breakup it's a book for regular breakups - I started with "If he's so great, why do I feel so bad" and that was a whoozy - and regular heartbreak and still it manages to be upfront about the pain you're in and how to get through it. I highly recommend it.
This was the second one I started reading and it has given me several good pointers and a lot of work to do. I liked it if only because of that.
Some of the advice on dating again seemed silly and some of it practical and I really liked that even though in this book the author shares the harrowing story of her breakup it's a book for regular breakups - I started with "If he's so great, why do I feel so bad" and that was a whoozy - and regular heartbreak and still it manages to be upfront about the pain you're in and how to get through it. I highly recommend it.
June 13, 2023
this book was tough to get through but in a good way. it made you stop and think a lot and had several exercises that took over a week to complete. in retrospect, i appreciate the order of the book. it first discussed immediate steps to coping, like no contact. then it jumped straight into self care like affirmations and how to invest in yourself. i didn’t realize it at the time but that mindset definitely saved me from spiraling. then after that chapter it went into making an inventory of the relationship, which was really hard to do but very worthwhile and made a little easier by having the coping skills from the previous chapter. after that it was kind of just advice for the future and what not, helpful but nothing earth shattering
August 27, 2020
I wish I had this book when I was 17 and then read it and re-read through the years until now. My life would have been very different. But better late than never!
It looks like a hokey self help book but it’s actually incredibly helpful and invaluable. I highly recommend it to anyone going through a breakup, a dysfunctional relationship, or thinking of dating again.
Gender pronounds need to be updated to they/them instead of he/she. The book needs a little update anyway; it mentions things about My Space.
It looks like a hokey self help book but it’s actually incredibly helpful and invaluable. I highly recommend it to anyone going through a breakup, a dysfunctional relationship, or thinking of dating again.
Gender pronounds need to be updated to they/them instead of he/she. The book needs a little update anyway; it mentions things about My Space.
April 24, 2021
Incredible how Susan Elliott transforms her trauma/pain into growth/happiness. Very easy to read book that is both heartfelt and instructive. Highly recommend for anyone experiencing grief or those simply trying to enter the dating world!
did-not-finish
November 25, 2018DNF at 62%
The information at the beginning seemed useful but I skipped all the inventory part. Then I reached a point that I did not need to continue with the book anymore. It's not the book. It's just me.
The information at the beginning seemed useful but I skipped all the inventory part. Then I reached a point that I did not need to continue with the book anymore. It's not the book. It's just me.
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