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384 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 1, 2004

“You are Conan?”Ah, such a sweetie, my boyfriend. He’s ever the gentleman with the ladies, too…
“Who else? You sent word into the hills that you wished for me to come and parley with you. Well, by Crom, I’ve come! Keep away from that table or I’ll gut you.”
[…]
“I’ll split your head like a ripe melon!”
“He spanked her resoundingly, and she, recognizing this as merely another expression of admiration, did not feel particularly outraged.”Said ladies, clearly being connoisseurs of all things Barbarian, know to appreciate Conan’s loving ministrations. And things get smutty faster than it takes to say “unleash the crustaceans!” when he really turns on the charm…
“She closed her eyes and drank in his fierce, hot, lawless kisses with all the abandon of passionate thirst.”Such a hot, irresistible babe, my Cimmerian Cutie Pie. Well, okay, he can be “befogged and stupid” sometimes, but it’s usually temporary. Usually.


“I have no more use for you. Kill yourself!”Nice trick, that! (Note to self: take a Mesmerizing 101 class. Might come in handy with seditious shrimps and stuff.) The villain reminds me a lot of myself, actually. Like me, the poor guy has to deal with measly, insignificant little humans day in day out, and our lord shrimp knows what pains they can be.
Like a man in a trance the warrior thrust the butt of his spear against the base of the wall, and placed the keen head against his body, just below the ribs. Then slowly, stolidly, he leaned against it with all his weight, so that it transfixed his body and came out between his shoulders. Sliding down the shaft he lay still, the spear jutting above him its full length, like a horrible stalk growing out of his back.
“How can I explain my mystic reasons to your puny intellect?”Yes! This! So much THIS! Finally, someone who understands me! Twinsies and stuff!



He caught her up in his iron arms, crushed her slim, vibrant figure to him and kissed her fiercely on eyes, cheeks, throat and lips, until she lay panting in his embrace; gusty and tempestuous as a storm-wind, even his love-making was violent.That's my boy! Or rather, it would be my boy if he decided to tone down his moronic tendencies once in a while. I mean, even the most dimwitted of barnacles knows that doing stuff like tripping mid-leap because your foot got caught in the fold of a bloody curtain is not exactly the most (choose all



Lust and mystery sparkled in her scintillant eyes, cruelty lurked in the curl of her full red lips.I am so in 💕lurve💕. There's a slight chance I might also be in 💕lurve💕 with Salome's marvelously malevolent partner-in-turpitude, Constantius of the Insatiable Lust and Ever Sardonic Tone, aka He Who Utterly Lacks All Characteristics Men Call Good 😍😍. (Weirdly enough, my Barbarian Paramour isn't very supportive of this newfound love of mine, and doesn't seem to be Constantius' biggest fan, either. That's just because he's jealous, if you ask me.)

But you civilized men are soft; your lives are not nailed to your spines as are ours.Nailed to his spine, indeed.