Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church

by Christine A. Colón, Bonnie E. Field

This balanced and encouraging book shows how the adult single can embrace and maintain chastity as an important contribution to the church's witness and mission.

Genres: Nonfiction, Theology, Christian, Religion, Faith, Relationships, Church

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2009

About the author

Christine A. Colon (PhD, University of California at Davis) is associate professor of English at Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois. She has published articles in Women's Writing, Renascence, and Bronte Studies as well as in several volumes of collected essays.

Reviews

[Rachel B · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the absolute best book I've ever read on singleness - and I've read several. It also offers one of the best perspectives on marriage I've come across - one that doesn't succumb to the wrong thinking that a spouse makes one complete or fulfills all our desires.

It's written by two (older) single women, which I really appreciated right off the bat, and especially as I worked my way through the book. Many books on singleness are written by 25 year olds who are essentially detailing their "success" story (of finding a spouse) and lack substance. Not so this one!

--Part 1 processes positive and negative views of celibacy within the secular culture as well as within the Church.

The secular views are often illustrated by references to TV shows, which I found to be a good idea, as most people (including Christians) do take their cues from media. Though TV plot lines may be a bit exaggerated compared to real life, the attitudes that are prevalent in media are also prevalent in real life.

The negative Christian views are altogether too familiar to me - ones that I encounter every day as a single in the Church. It was so refreshing to hear these authors acknowledge these as real issues since, in my experience, they are glossed over or ignored completely in the rest of the Christian world.

--Part 2 details dangerous messages we encounter regarding sexual temptation, sex, and marriage.

A favorite part of mine touched on how often the Church views not having sex as something that couldn't possibly be sustained - "it's too unnatural!" As if that is the one thing that Christ isn't powerful enough to become Lord of. One of the best messages in this book is the truth that God is powerful enough to walk us through lifelong celibacy, if that is His will, without removing our desire for sex. His grace is sufficient for even this.

I also appreciated their distinction of sexuality from sexual acts. I've often heard that "singles don't have to repress their sexuality," but the people saying it define sexuality by sexual acts. As a Christian who wants to honor God, I don't get to participate in sexual acts, but I can still embrace the fact that God has made me a woman and He wants to showcase part of His image through my particular gender.

--Part 3, "Searching for a New Direction," walks us through what the Church can do to begin affirming celibacy and singleness as another picture of God's love.

If you've spent any time at all in the Church, you're probably very familiar with the metaphor of the marriage relationship reflecting the relationship between Christ and the Church. It's not that it's a bad metaphor, but it is incomplete without the complementing metaphor of singleness.

"Singleness reminds the Church we grow not through biological ascription but through witness and hospitality to the stranger." (Stanley Haurwas, After Christendom, as quoted on p. 171)

"The 'family' formed by the love of single persons is not the product of the intimate sexual acts shared by two people, but arises more spontaneously out of a dynamic of love that is open beyond exclusive boundaries. As such, the less formal bonding of singles reflects the openness of the divine love to the continual expansion of the circle of love to include within its circle those yet outside its boundaries." (Stanley Grenz, Sexual Ethics: An Evangelical Perspective, as quoted on p. 168)

--Overall, this book wasn't dry at all to read. It did get repetitive at times, although I found that helpful to drill in certain concepts, since there is a lot of information here.

I would highly recommend it to any adult Christian, married or single!

[Brandon H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of the best books I've read on the subject of singleness and celibacy. I would recommend this book to every Christian single out there as well as to pastors and those in the ministry.

I thought the authors did a wonderful job validating what many Christian singles feel these days, especially the older singles who didn't marry by time they hit 30 years old. It sounds like overall the church is dropping the ball when it comes to treating singles as fellow believers who have just as much to offer as married believers do.

I especially enjoyed that the authors highlighted just how married and family focused many ministries and churches are and how many of the sincere messages meant to encourage marrieds does have a negative effect on the singles. The authors did a great job of highlighting where many parts of the church are short sighted in their doctrine and theology when it comes to singleness. Unlike the Early Church, many pastors and ministers seem to devalue singleness and believe that celibacy is an unrealistic option.

I also liked that while the authors pointed out the problems Christian singles faced, they didn't promote a victim-like tone nor did they overly criticize church leadership and ministries for some of the common offenses and mistakes they make in relating to and dealing with their single members.

We need more books like this and more discussions for singles that go beyond the common, "Just abstain from sex until marriage and then God will bless you with a wonderful spouse that will make all your romantic and sexual dreams come true."

I'll close with a story from the book because it highlights a problem I think many singles face in church -

One Sunday Christine visited a small, neighborhood church. It was obvious she was a visitor.

"Several women came up to her to introduce themselves. After the initial round of names, the next question was whether or not she had any children. As soon as she revealed that not only did she not have any children but that she also wasn't married, the conversation ended and the women quickly moved away to talk to someone else. Christine continued to attend the church but always felt like she didn't fit in.This lack of connection to the church body was emphasized a few months later when her parents came for a visit, for that Sunday she noticed people clustering around her parents, asking them whether they would be joining the church and whether they would like to be involved in various ministries. It suddenly became very clear that the members of the church knew how to relate to and interact with other married couples. They could have interesting conversations, and they could invite new couples into their community. They had no idea what to do with a single woman without kids...Unfortunately, in many churches the things that hold the community together center around marital status and children rather than our mutual love of Christ. And singles can end up feeling like outcasts." (Pages 80-81)

[Trice · Rating 5 out of 5]

the beginning review of issues in various tv shows and movies felt a bit obvious, but overall great analysis, source review and thoughtful suggestions for the individual and the church as community. Encouraging in multiple directions.

*********************************************************************
4/25/2014 update: I liked what these authors had to say before, but lately I've been seeing more articles and connected discussions that make me realize how very needed this book is. I never would have said this before, but on this issue at least I think I've been sheltered in a part of a wing of the Church that both takes the Bible seriously and also takes women seriously as human beings with talents and callings that are unrelated to 1950's stereotypes. I found interesting a recent article at Christianity Today, "My Kid is Not My Calling", but it barely brushes the surface of related issues, and the comment section... yikes. I don't often read comment sections, but when I do... :P

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes! Talk about a book that needed to be written. There's much room for improvement in how the church handles singleness and celibacy. Typically, we put the focus on "abstinence" (Don't have sex!!) which implies that you just need to "hang on until marriage". This approach is increasingly insufficient as people get married later and later, or not at all. The authors do a great job of challenging single people and their churches to embrace a vision of celibacy that can survive the long haul - whether a person gets married at 30, 40, 50 or never. What does it mean to be a sexual human being if you're committed to not having sex for the time being? What does intimacy look like for single people? What do they teach the rest of us about spiritual truth and faithfulness? What it mean for the church to be a family to those who don't have a biological one? What has been the fallout of our vehement "focus on the family"? The authors raise so many good questions in this book, and offer valuable insight and role models to consider. I highly recommend this, and suggest that you read it with a few others that will discuss it with you afterwards. It's a breath of fresh air in our lonely, sexual-identity-obsessed culture.

[Doug · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Singled Out is the best book I've read in years—I can hardly say enough good about it. It directly addresses a couple of issues most fundamental to those of us living in our western culture, and does so in a way no one else that I am aware of has done. Beyond that, the conclusions that the authors, Dr. Christine Colón and Bonnie Field, come to are Christ-centric and in line with the new testament in contrast to the vast majority of churches and Christians today, particularly within evangelicalism. Unfortunately, the title and promotion of the book focuses on singles and celibacy. I say this is unfortunate because I fear that this will limit its audience. While these things are central to the discussion in this book, the topics addressed are very important for any Christian today—married or single—and especially for church leaders." Click here to continue reading my review.

[Josh · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent analysis of views in the church and the culture on marriage and singleness. The authors do an excellent job of showing how much of the church's current exaltation of marriage is exegetically problematic and practically harmful. They're very balanced in emphasizing that they aren't denigrating marriage, and they provide very helpful advice for how individuals and churches can move toward a better understanding of their own and others' singleness, and how it serves as another model of the love of Christ.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is it: this is the book that finally articulates what is so troubling about the church's attitude towards its singles. This is the answer to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, to When God Writes Your Love Story, and to every other saccharine text that forgets that singleness need not be endured white-knuckled, but may be thoroughly enjoyed and celebrated, if we only see it right.

Essentially, the book is divided into two halves. In the first, Colon and Fields spell out the messages sent about celibacy, in the secular and sacred world. Where the secular world assumes that sex is an irresistible urge, so does the church - an assumption manifest whenever it urges singles to marry as early as possible. Where the secular world looks on those who are perpetually single as immature, so does the church, encouraging members to marry early so they can become more fully adult. Much as we evangelicals like to *think* our habits are taken from the Bible, the overlap between secular and sacred messages suggests this is not true. This is truly a problem. Yet Colon and Fields give credit where due, describing not only negative but also positive views of celibacy - one of these, interestingly, the idea that refraining from sex is a way to preserve the identity, withdrawing from the hive mind maintained by advertising, much of which is predicated on the idea that everyone is having sex.

Having made its case that the way the church talks about singleness is wrongheaded, in its second half the book suggests how these errors may be fixed. It points readers towards a few new sources, among them church history and traditions such as the story of the virgin martyrs (who show that the choice to refrain from sexual activity is a positive choice in its own right, something substantial more than a lack of being) and the medieval monks (who show that celibacy is often necessary in allowing one to pursue other callings - at that time, education). The book also outlines several positive, specific practices that both the church and singles need to adopt in order to help singles participate wholly in the body of Christ, and make this lifestyle a profitable one for the Christian community. Among these suggestions one of the most interesting is the authors' take on sex, which should be less a reminder not to have it than a discussion about how we may use our sexuality, being wholly man or wholly woman, for God.

Here's what I liked about the book: As an older single, I frequently feel out of place in my church community, and among other Christians. I also don't feel as though the books published on singleness and marriage have much to say. Colon's book gives voice to some of these frustrations, as well as validating celibacy as a positive lifestyle choice, something that I *choose*, not simply something I contentedly let happen to me. I have been frustrated when I've read about how singles are less mature than their married counterparts; I've felt sidelined by a church in which the couples and families look past the single people in their midst; I've felt unhappy when I've wondered whether there's something wrong with me, being nearly thirty and never married. Colon and Fields answer these questions, assuring readers like me that those who are celibate, as much as those who are married, enjoy life abundant - not perfect of course, because we live in a fallen world; but rich in grace, full of opportunities to know God and build relationships with fellow believers.

TL;DR: An excellent analysis of what's wrong with church discourse on singleness, as well as encouragement for how singles and church communities can respond appropriately to singleness. Invites readers to talk further about singles in the church today.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

At last, an honest look at marriage and singleness among today's Christians. I must say that this is the first book that I've read on this topic to which I can actually relate. The authors look at positive and negative messages about singleness in both the church and the culture, discuss some dangerous messages emanating from the church about singleness, and discuss the possibility of developing a more positive message for today's Christian singles. I found the analysis to be very insightful, and much more in accord with my own experience, and that of my friends, than most of the writing currently available on this topic.

I wish the authors had discussed changing gender roles and how these may be affecting marriage and singleness, and they could also have looked more at urban churches with a large number of singles. The focus on suburban churches and ministries may have mad the overall picture bleaker than it truly is. But, overall, an excellent analysis. Highly recommended for both married and single Christians, as well as anyone in church leadership.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

In a “family-values”-obsessed evangelical church culture, unmarried Christians often feel forgotten and marginalized. How does the Evangelical Church view and support its unmarried members? What can we do better?


_Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today’s Church_ by Christine  A. Colón & Bonnie E. Field (2009) provides encouragement to older singles and admonishment to the church at large, as they attempt to reframe our views and teachings on celibacy to be spiritually uplifting, doctrinally sound, and practically useful. I recently finished the book through Kindle Unlimited. It’s also available in print.


This is really good stuff. Colón and Field survey the literature and media--ancient and modern--of secular and Church attitudes toward abstinence, virginity, celibacy, and the state of being unmarried. They then develop a rough theology of celibacy (not by life-long vow, but as the current situation in a Christian’s life) as a good state, equal in value to marriage for glorifying God, which allows for the inclusion and uplifting of younger and older unmarried adults in their local congregations.


Colón and Field are neither theologians nor psychologists, so they do not attempt heavy doctrinal exposition or deep exegesis, nor do they go into complicated models of human development or relational theory.

They assume their readers are American evangelicals or Protestants who believe sex is for those in a heterosexual marriage. I appreciate that they didn't allow scope-creep by arguing for that, which would derail the focus of this book.


Colón and Field call the Church to the carpet on our abstinence programs that create unrealistic expectations, our fear of lust that perpetuates the myth that the unmarried cannot remain celibate long term, our elevation of marriage and childbearing as essential marks of the Christian walk, and our frequent treatment of older singles as perpetual adolescents, nonsexual beings, social pariahs, or sexual deviants.

They propose a balanced view of each state (married or single) as God-honoring and character-building and valuable as a symbol of spiritual realities. They insist we recognize the need for community and purpose and the capacity for holiness and maturity that the “still single” in our congregations possess.

My main criticisms are brief. First, there were weaknesses in their use of statistics. Second, today's readers may find the pop-culture references outdated. However, I was able to relate to most of messages, despite my limited knowledge of some of the older TV shows discussed. Finally, in their discussion of sexuality, they do not even mention sex with self, so it's not clear how that fits in their proposed paradigm. Since many Christians consider masturbation sinful, I guess they didn't think it needed to be addressed. Perhaps it would have been a too lengthy side-trip to include that.


I found Colón and Field's _ Singled Out_ to be the proverbial breath of fresh air. It is relatable, scholarly, and unfortunately very necessary. I recommend this book to evangelical Christians. 5/5 stars

[Danny Bennett · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book I've been searching for a while. The first half of the book worried me a little. The authors expressed a lot of ideas I resonated with, but it was pretty typical of other "Christian Singleness" books I've read. I wanted something deeper and spoke to the issue of celibacy for an older Christian. The first half walks through the positive and negative expressions of singleness in secular and church cultures. The really disheartening moments is when you don't see a lot of difference. The second half makes the book worth it. The authors start walking through scripture and church history to give a balanced and helpful understanding of what it means to walk with God in celibacy. It doesn't have to be life long or dating obsessed, there's a middle road that is biblical. There were times I had to pause to soak in how refreshing it was to read that celibate, Christ centered singleness is to be honored and pursued. I'll paraphrase someone they quoted, "Marrieds should trust in the resurrection, Singles must trust in the resurrection."

[Brenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A much-needed discussion of how single Christians are supposed to live now, as many of us remain single into our 30s, 40s, and beyond. Raised with the expectation that our abstinence and single life would end quickly, we need more acceptance from and inclusion in the Church, as well as more long-term solutions. I agree with and appreciate all of the authors' points, and strongly encourage anyone in ministry to read this book. I will say that it took me a long time to finish, because soon after starting it, I was no longer in the mood to think about my singleness and its potential permanence. But, you know. Reality.

[Vickie Weers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book

It really helped me see how being single is devalued within the church. As a married person, I needed this. As singles are all around me and they have needs for community I don’t always see behind my own.

[Mandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are 30 or over, single, and a believer - read this book. If you are in leadership in a church - read this book!

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is just an honest look at the life of a single Christian and modern church/society expectations/perspectives on singleness. Enlightening and encouraging....wish more people would talk about it.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Showed me many of the ideas, assumptions, and values I’ve picked up from the church and/or American culture without even realizing it. Highly recommend!

[Aimee Patterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has been a helpful resource for me as I instruct on sexual ethics and how the Protestant church fails at nurturing single people.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is SO GOOD. I have been struggling with the idea of being single since I was a teenager. Even recently, I have thought, "What does it even mean if I don't feel particularly called to either marriage OR to singleness?" This book put so many of my feelings and frustrations into words for the first time.

The book begins with many examples of how both Christian and secular culture idolize sex and marriage, while making single/celibate people feel like they are incomplete, immature, or just downright weird. On top of that, many people both Christian and secular treat celibacy like it's impossible - single people are either expected to be having sex with someone, or they're just waiting aroud to tempt married people into sin (insert a huge eyeroll here). Then the authors get into a wonderful discussion of how none of this is right. They focus on the term "celibacy" for the lifestyle single Christians should aspire to, since it doesn't imply future marriage (like "abstinence" does) and it doesn't prioritize marriage as better than singleness (as the word "single" does). Celibacy used to be considered a worthy lifestyle, especially by the Catholic church, and we need to value the celibate lifestyle in the modern world, too. I like how they specify that celibacy isn't the same as "being called to a life of singleness." Instead, celibacy is about how we live now, regardless of whether marriage is in our future.

I think the best part of this book, for me, was the discussion of just how radical Christian celibacy has been in the past, and still is today. Marriage and procreation is a given in the Old Testament - it starts with Adam and Eve, puts forth many rules regarding marriage and family, focuses just on the Israelites, and contains many long genealogies. But the New Testament turns this paradigm upside down: Jesus was born of a virgin and never married, and he made it possible for everyone to be children of God. Family is no longer just a physical reality, but a spiritual one. While Hebrew and Roman society highly valued the idea of the biological family, early Christians lived in communities that included widows and other vulnerable, single people. The list of Catholic saints includes many virgin martyrs - and they were not passive damsels, but active and defiant, often preaching the Word of God before they were killed. Jesus talked about giving up everything, even family, in order to follow him. And in Heaven, marriage as we know it will not exist - we will be simultaneously "single" but also united to God and one another in ways we cannot yet imagine.

Marriage is often presented to Christians as the ultimate goal - in fact, this book quotes quite a few authors and speakers who strongly believe this. But in reality, it is not for everyone. Those of us who are not currently married need to be confident and content in our situation. We are not lesser than the married people in our lives. We are exactly where God wants us to be.

Something I still find myself struggling with after reading this book is the feeling of loneliness or isolation, which the authors acknowledge and don't have a great solution for. They state that our churches need to take on the role of spiritual families to make single people feel at home, but that's much easier said than done.

All that being said, I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in the topic. FYI it is very hetero-focused - there are a few mentions of "people who struggle with homosexuality" - but I'm glad that it seemed to at least tacitly acknowledge that ace-spectrum people exist, too! And regardless of one's beliefs on same-sex marriage, I hope we can all agree that celibacy is the ideal lifestyle for all single Christians.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this as an ebook and the amount of digital highlighting I did as I read crashed my phone a few times. This book broke my spirit for so many of us when thinking about the struggles of striving to live a particular lifestyle, but ultimately I felt so grateful to the authors for all of the research and passion that they poured into these pages. I say this without judgment or scorn: seeking to live like Jesus is tough, readers. And discouragement is real. But books like this can raise us up from those pits of despair.

[E · Rating 5 out of 5]

I particularly recommend CH 7 Covenant & Inclusion

[Savannah Shepherd · Rating 3 out of 5]

probably closer to 2.5. Read for research project on celibacy. Probably great and helpful for the target audience!

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm nearly done with this book and i've found it to be very insightful. But let me list my frustrations first:
whoever proofread and edited this should be suspended without pay until they actually earn their paycheck. the grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and verbal ticks are so prevalent they distracted me from the content of the book.

and the content itself was often stylistically distracting and repetitive. it could have been a shorter book. the authors are speaking on a neglected and critical topic for the church. they do not need to qualify and "perhaps" everything they are saying. they don't need to ask the same rhetorical questions (what if we viewed singleness differently) over and over and over again.

that said, Singled Out, with all of its frustrations, needs to be read. Singles are marginalized, judged, and generally ignored in the church. Marriage is elevated, glorified, and generally lifted up beyond where it should be in the church. This book challenges Christians, married and single, to rethink how we understand singleness and celibacy. it provides practical applications and considerations. read it.

i gave it four stars because of the content. but before you start reading it, remember, the presentation of the content will likely be distracting and frustrating. it is worth persevering through that.

[Jeni Enjaian · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I (almost) fit the target audience, I wasn't won over. In fact, by the end, I really didn't like the book.
I did identify with a lot of the statements made early on in the book when the authors were making lots of spot on observations. However, the authors did not go beyond this. Much of the book is quoted from numerous other books which makes the narrative feel a lot like regurgitation. The authors don't appear to make any concrete or original statements of their own. Also, the latter portion of the book degrades into a sort-of "preaching" about celibacy which rubs me the wrong way. Additionally, the section on celibacy doesn't really fit with the observations they made in the first part of the book.
Their final conclusion falls short of their objective and left me unsatisfied and unconvinced.
I don't recommend this book.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Outstanding apologetic for the life of singleness in the church today. I fit into the single/celibate category for 37 years, and it is still easy for me to fall into the exclusively nuclear-family-centered model that dominates many of our churches. During my years as a single person I heard all the cliches the authors mention, and while not easy, it was a season of growth and intimacy with God that I would not trade. Well-researched and well-written, I was a bit concerned the book wouldn’t move beyond diagnosing celibacy’s perception problem in societal and ecclesiastical circles. The final chapters made up the lost ground. The cultural landscape has changed since this book was written in 2009, but the principles are timeless and desperately needed when the prevailing perception is that an unpaired person is an un-whole person.

[benebean · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are a few instances where I think the author is perhaps a bit too sensitive about what authors say about marriage, but by and large there were I thought she did a good job covering an important topic largely ignored by the church today. I'm still thinking about this book especially in conjunction with the church's general lack of support for homosexuals who wish to honor God by staying celibate. This book and others seem to indicate the church's need to create and foster better more inclusive communities where close relationships apart from marriage can flourish.

[Mar · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the beginning of the book with its references to contemporay culture--using movies and tv shows. There was not much new in the analysis of the issues, although there are many references for further reading. The authors worked well to synthesize a lot of current thought/information on the issues.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Both married and unmarried people need to understand the issues that are thoughtfully and honestly addressed in this book. The authors criticize various harmful messages from both inside and outside the Christian church, then move toward a positive, theologically grounded understanding of celibacy. There aren't enough books like this.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

The last chapter was the best. While I understand setting up the problems with the contemporary church's approach to singleness, the first three chapters could have been condensed into one. I do appreciate the idea that we can celebrate our sexuality through celibacy. All spiritual disciplines are difficult, and the discipline of celibacy does not make one lesser or lacking in his/her human experience; it is another means of showing our trust in a faithful and good God.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book explores what singles are facing in the church. It helps us see that they are marginalized. It also shows how we can make them feel more included. I have always struggled as a single in churches because they usually focus on married people. It also encourages singles to plug into a church no matter how difficult it is. This book also show us that we focus to much on the nuclear family and not enough on the family of the Body of Christ.