must i say how i really find tim o'kane to be so... i don't know... humanely naive and perhaps weak. his longing for the past and also his inability to think about the future really struck with me; because i feel like, somehow, beneath his red hair and quite erect penis, i see myself.
i really could not stop reading. all throughout the book i thought, ''what has this got to do with perfection?'' - that was on the book cover. but it's perfect for that, because it gives this irrevocable sense of familiarity and doubt of oneself. the more you read, the more the book becomes centred around one single aspect : billy. the fact is, i don't think it was some male homoerotic fascination for his being, but really just a build-up to the after-fact. and it's crazy. i doubted everything the whole way through. even now, after i finished reading this, the author's note, and the wikipedia page for the actual, real-life murder, within myself i truly doubt billy did anything. even though, obviously, there are parallels - i absolutely feel inside, that Giardina had written this book based on how he felt - not as a ''report''.
and billy's anti-social-ness, is so.. wonderful. his eccentricities and his behaviour, his 'genius'. it's something i absolutely cannot resist. i'm surprised the ending was like this. more so the fact that i myself cannot see him as a killer. i see bill as lonely and, ultimately unlucky. i can't see him as someone who got what he deserved. his suicide felt like hopelessness, not guilt - but i guess they may be one in the same as their fates are intertwined - and he did leave with a secret, and this sort of yearning i have for him and the why - it makes you wonder. man always asks why why why!
you also got closer with timmy for living his personhood, it made me dislike him slightly. i couldn't see myself the way he acts - he sees himself the way i see myself, but not the result, no. he thinks too much of sex, (maybe it's normal), i believe he lacks that grit that makes him a person. he's too subservient to the past and slightly to the present - to the past billy, at least. he's so full of wanderlust. i don't know how to explain it. as much as i couldn't stand the way he behaved, i also would see myself as him.
i don't really know the way to proceed. i think it was a wonderful book. it was set up for something so horrible, it's easy to separate the person from actions once you get a taste of a chronological, retrospective thing. and it is not the case that one moment death is over there and not here, so it does not concern you. the bridge railing is as fragile as anything else. even after the author's note, the murder of carol and her son - regarding the same 'blackness' of the real boston and their boston, it was surprising for me to see that the man they framed, now has dementia. and everything is a killer - so it must be.