Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships

by Lauren Fogel Mersy, Jennifer A. Vencill

A radically inclusive, sex-positive guide to managing the inevitable libido differences in our relationships, authored by two certified sex therapists who are passionate about good sex

Desire invites readers of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and relationship structures to shed the shame and misinformation that surround the topic of sex and instead learn from 2 certified sex therapists about how libido really works. Desire differences are one of the most common relationship issues, yet, with fewer than 1,100 certified sex therapists in the country, it can be difficult to find help. This essential book breaks the mold of the sex self-help genre, which typically focuses only on cisgender women.

Through the authors’ expert guidance readers will learn about

embracing a more expansive definition of sex,identifying various factors that can impact libido,managing anxiety around sex (one of the biggest libido killers),the structural oppressions—from cisnormativity to heteronormativity to compulsory sexuality to minority stress—that affect our libido,and much, much more.
It rejects the narrow, heteronormative, “staircase” model of sex—a way of thinking where many relationships get stuck. It integrates evidence-based relationship therapy techniques for better communication around sex.

Included are dozens of techniques, exercises, checklists, and journal prompts for readers to use at their own pace to fit their needs, including mindfulness, body mapping, and sensate focus. Whatever your identity, sexual practices, or reason for picking up this book, Desire will help you reach your personal sexual health goals.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Self Help, Relationships, Health, Psychology, Mental Health

380 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 22, 2023

Reviews

[Willa · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a sex therapist myself, this is now in my top 5 favourite sex therapy books, for myself and for my clients; here's why:

This book covers many major basic sex therapy concepts in a concise, engaging, and inclusive manner. I think it will prove to be an accessible read for non-therapists, making it a great starting point for anyone with sexual concerns to get their feet wet in understanding the most up-to-date conceptualizations around desire, sex, and sexuality (the book was published in 2024). I love books like these because I don't think there is any sense in gatekeeping helpful psychological research behind overcomplicated or boring language, especially in relation to sex where many of us are already in an uphill battle against inadequate sex education in schools. As well, even though the book does not (cannot) dive into every topic in depth, I believe this information is helpful for almost every concern, even if it is consumed in tandem with more specialized resources tailored to your specific concern.

Here are some of my favourite concepts/segments from this book:

- The entire chapter five titled "Connection with Self" explores beliefs about sex, the importance of pleasure, body mapping and pleasure mapping and the window of tolerance as it pertains to sex. In my own therapy sessions, I am always a fan of encouraging individuals to connect to their own experiencing and internal sources of wisdom; in sex, this is especially important. However, sometimes when people go inward, they find that they have a lot of unhelpful and unchallenged beliefs that are negatively impacting them personally and sexually (e.g., "if I don't increase my desire, my partner will leave me", "I'm sexually broken because I have low desire", "I'm sexually broken because my erection is not like it used to be"); others come face-to-face with the fact that sex has become extremely stressful or triggering for them and they don't know how to deal with that other than avoidance or white knuckling it; others may just not know where to even begin with discovering their own bodies and their own pleasure sources because it has never been prioritized (by themselves or previous partners). This chapter gives some validating information and practical tools to start that internally-focused sexual discovery via therapy techniques, explorative writing prompts, and experiential exercises. I loved this chapter!

- One of my favourite concepts to discuss with couples is sexual scripts. This book describes the sexual staircase model, which is a goal-oriented model of partnered sex where there is an assumed linear progression from foreplay > kissing > caressing > genital touch > oral sex > penetrative sex > orgasm (and then sex is over). Adding some flexibility and variance to the menu of what sex looks like can be so helpful in not falling into an "all-or-nothing" trap; a place where some couples stop having sex altogether when they feel they can't follow the staircase.

- Wheel of consent. It's a visual model, so I won't insufficiently try to summarize, but this is a terrific concept that, similar to breaking out of the sexual staircase script, can add some variety and flexibility to what it means to engage sexually with one's partner.

- Communication pitfalls that couples fall into that end up ultimately hindering their desire for connection (e.g., shaming their partner's interests or level of desire, Gottman's four horsemen in the context of sex-related conversations, etc) are thoroughly interwoven into the book.

- Sensate focus. Excellent research-backed exercise that is well-explained and adapted for inclusivity in the final chapters.

- The entire first chapter goes over "libido basics" which includes the Willingness Model and the Dual Control model. I loved the chapter, however I think Emily Nagoski's excerpts on these topics from "Come as You Are" are a bit more reader-friendly.

Here are some areas this book does not dive into in depth: ethical non0monogamy, sexual trauma, performance anxiety and erection concerns. The book mentions these topics, but I know there are better subject-specific reads out there. That being said, I think the book is a great place to start because overall, I don't think that one needs to be "fully healed" (whatever that means) or trauma-free as a pre-requisite for accessing such helpful information and experiencing a pleasurable sex life. (That being said, many issues of course require more specific treatment approaches; but this maybe goes without saying!)

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

[I received an advanced copy of the book from the authors with no expectation that I leave a review.]
---
As a psychologist, I'm always on the lookout for client resources, particularly books I can recommend and lend out. When I was offered a copy of Desire, I happily accepted. I had high expectations because I've followed Lauren Fogel Mersy on Instagram for years, respecting her tremendously as a colleague. Even with my high expectations, I was blown away by the quality and impact of this book. Lauren and her co-author Jennifer Vencill navigate challenging balances in a way that welcomes us all to explore our relationship with our sexual self. The book is accessible for the layperson while also written with enough depth that most mental health professionals will come away with a lot of new information (I definitely did). They are ever attentive to inclusivity but also balance this intention with enough specificity that we all can hold onto concrete strategies and takeaways to improve our sexual health. Throughout the book, they are our nonjudgmental, supportive, and expert guides through all of the complexities of sexuality and libido, offering up equal helpings of compassion and gentle nudges to help us get unstuck.

[Al · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a nonbinary individual, finding books about this topic can be really hard because they tend to invalidate my body and beliefs. This book addressed the topic so well, and I learned so much about how to communicate better to brighten my relationship and even self-love time. Thank you!

[Dakota Blackledge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self-help books are not my forte, and this guide has a TON of information to digest. The information in it, though, is tremendously helpful in learning to recognize, communicate, and navigate one's relationship with themself, with their own body, and their partner.

[hauntedandholierthanthou · Rating 5 out of 5]

quite helpful

[Kelsey]

I'll be so transparent: I have no idea if this book is actually useful for people who are trying to navigate libido differences in relationships, nor do I care. In fact, I just picked this up because I saw the word "inclusive" in the sub-title and I thought to myself, "let's just see about that!"

I am very happy to report that this book IS indeed, inclusive! Not only do the authors go out of their way to acknowledge that everyone has different sexual responses, but they also include information about asexuality *without* implying that it is a problem *and* they mention it throughout, instead of just giving it a single throwaway paragraph like a lot of books about sex and relationships do (if they mention it at all).

[Lisa Gray · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a couples therapist, differences in libido is a topic I talk about A LOT. This book is a MUST READ on this topic so if you are a couple with this issue or a therapist working with couples, you MUST have a copy of this book! So many good points & ideas!

[Jesse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite informative, a good balance between clinically relevant & helpful and accessible for someone looking to learn more about themselves and their sex drives personally. Very inclusive for transgender individuals, individuals with a disability or chronic pain, and individuals from areas/countries with limited access to sex education. Will be recommending to people in the future!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a pelvic physical therapist, and I read this book to help give me more resources for my patients, but I found a lot of helpful, practical resources for myself as well! Well written and easy to understand, and helpful in giving some language to some difficult-to-discuss topics.

[Asel Kenova · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5 for gen public, 4.7/5 for mental health practitioners or people interested in inclusive sex

- this book includes a lot of information that other sex books have been lacking (and still doesn’t cover everything). It’s trying to be inclusive of race, disability, non binary/trans folks, cancer patients, pregnancy, religion, etc. but in doing so there’s a lot of info dumping. It brings up various info to start dismantling heteronormative/shame sex dialogues of our society

- this is a great book for practitioners (every practitioner needs more sex education) and people who want to know about more inclusive sex, I can totally imagine certain clients being put off on this book, or losing interest, because it spends a lot of time covering different topics that may not apply to them (which sucks but that’s just reality 🤷‍♀️)

[Taylor Allesch · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an AMAZING look at desire discrepancies and sexual health for the professional and everyday person alike!

[James]

A radically inclusive, sex-positive guide to managing the inevitable libido differences in our relationships, authored by two certified sex therapists who are passionate about good sex Desire invites readers of all ages, genders, sexual orientations, and relationship structures to shed the shame and misinformation that surround the topic of sex and instead learn from 2 certified sex therapists about how libido really works. Desire differences are one of the most common relationship issues, yet, with fewer than 1100 certified sex therapists in the country, it can be difficult to find help. This essential book breaks the mold of the sex self-help genre, which typically focuses only on cisgender women. Through the authors' expert guidance readers will learn about · embracing a more expansive definition of sex, · identifying various factors that can impact libido · managing anxiety around sex (one of the biggest libido killers), · the structural oppressions--from cisnormativity to heteronormativity to compulsory sexuality to minority stress--that affect our libido, · and much, much more. It rejects the narrow, heteronormative, "staircase" model of sex--a way of thinking where many relationships get stuck. It integrates evidence-based relationship therapy techniques for better communication around sex. Included are dozens of techniques, exercises, checklists, and journal prompts for readers to use at their own pace to fit their needs, including mindfulness, body mapping, and sensate focus. Whatever your identity, sexual practices, or reason for picking up this book, Desire will help you reach your personal sexual health goals.

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

An important handbook for everyone struggling with desire imbalances. This book is best read a little at a time so as not to get too overwhelmed with the advice. I also think it's a good reference to come back to, especially since issues like this tend to rise and fall in relationships. Desire changes as we age, when we have children, and when we are faced with adversity. All of that is covered here in a positive, inclusive, and nurturing way.

[Veronica · Rating 3 out of 5]

I always start by saying that I won this book as part of a giveaway from Goodreads
How do you review a self help book? What works for me may not work for you.
The book was easy to read and understand, It had a number of things to try.
Honestly, when I enter to win, I didn't realize it was a self help book. So I really just skimmed through
it. I therefore rated it a 3 star which for me means I liked it.

[Kristen C. Crawford · Rating 2 out of 5]

I grabbed this one off the shelf at the library. Patients often complain to me about libido (whether it’s lacking or they feel like their spouse’s is). This is also a common narrative discussed amongst women over margs, chips, and queso. This book was a good intro into becoming more competent in sexual health.

On a personal level, there was much I disagreed with. It also could’ve been a much shorter book.

[Desiree · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing and necessary book for the world to have. Thank you for writing this. Parts are repetitive though for most people it might be useful to familiarize the language and normalize this typically hush hush topic. Highly recommend! Mostly took me so long to finish because of the many waiting periods between Libby loans. Will still be going back to complete many of the prompts, great reflection opportunities.

[Tracie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to get this book back to the library, so I didn't finish it. I think there's a lot of good information within the book, especially since the authors came out of the U of M's Center for Sexual and Gender Health. It kept referencing things the authors planned to write about in upcoming chapters, which became annoying. Most of what they say about mindfulness makes sense with what I've heard. A bit dry at times.

[Jenny Wuehrmann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting book. I picked it up after reading about it in a NYT review, and I’m glad I did. The content was really expansive and inclusive, so it covered all types of relationships and situations, but what wasn’t applicable was educational and interesting. Learned a few things and felt more empowered on the other side.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel this needs to be on the recommendation list for everyone - exploring what our personal connection to sex and desire is and how that plays out in relationship. Many of the questions and ideas are a great start to explore this topic. Even if it is not a problem in your relationship just exploring our own connection to our desire can be powerful.

[Nadia Busekrus · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the way the authors pulled in and credited the work of many other authors before them, but condensed it all into a more concise - but still thorough - work of their own. So many great tips and exercises that are an amazing option if therapy isn't an accessible/affordable option (or to read in conjunction with therapy).

[Pook · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are, but I finished that book asking "and....what do I do with that knowledge???". This book covers a lot of topics and offers surprisingly concrete advice. It makes me realize how much shame we have around wanting (or not wanting...) sex. I also like that it reads a little bit like a university textbook in its attempt to be inclusive and comprehensive.

[Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely recommend to anyone wanting to better understand the importance of sexual health and desire for themselves as well as how it impacts and relates to their relationships. I found it very useful after being raised in a very repressive purity culture.

[Heather D · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very educational and insightful book that has given some tools to help my relationship. The willingness scale has been such a big help and I'm so glad I read this book. Every couple should read this!

[Sami Peterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read with a lot of new information for me! Reminded me of the "breakthrough factor" I felt while reading Come as You Are - this book contains helpful frameworks, exercises, and reflection questions to think about a relationship to desire.

[شيماء فؤاد]

As a Relationship Coach and Counsellor, I found that although several chapters and ideas do not align with our cultural and religious values, there are still valuable insights that can help couples better understand and navigate libido differences in effective ways.

[Kathryn Watts · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent, inclusive resource that explores important topics in a shame free setting. Highly recommend.

[Jayda Ball · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Made me feral for intimacy that isn’t centered around sex!!!! Love my husband he’s the perfect man

[Layla Platt · Rating 3 out of 5]

While not everything will be applicable to everyone I think that this book covers so many areas with lots of suggestions that could help truly anyone!

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is really comprehensive and offers a lot of different ideas and explanations. I really enjoyed reading it.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Both comprehensive and highly practical. I can't imagine packing more into a mere 250 pages. I'll be recommending this to a number of couples I work with.