The ancient pagans, as we all know, loved big dicks and anything that symbolized them, such as Priapus, the well-endowed fertility god.
And so, many centuries later, it might have come as a shock to proper Christian bakers and the families that enjoyed their kneaded hot-cross buns at table if someone had told them that they were basically biting into a nice, warm, firm big dick.
Let me try to explain. You see, over time the Christians managed to wheedle, cajole, beat, burn or use whatever means necessary to de-paganize and convert the heathens, which included a requirement that they give up on silly old gods like Priapus. After all, there really was only one God, and if any god was going to be allowed to be attributed big dick status, it was Him. But the pagans, while acceding to give up the other gods, remained fond of ole Priapus and were resistant to forsaking him and his promise of tumescence. They didn't have Viagra or Levitra to fall back on back in the day. Priapus was it, baby; he was all they had, apart from allegedly magical aphrodisiacal potions of spit and insect mush slathered on the forehead by old witches, and that foul stuff was hardly a turn-on. And besides, the Christian God seemed awfully gunshy about sex, even with his mixed messages of being fruitful and multiplying. They liked their sex, those pagans, and they liked their sex god. No reason to rock the boat or deflate the sails, at it were. And they liked baking long phallic loaves of bread in honor of him. Deciding to use honey rather than a stinger, the Christians hit upon a compromise: the phallic loaves honoring Priapus could be kept as long as they were blessed with a Christian cross carved into them. Thus, the hot cross bun was born, and so too was the hand-off of the big baton from Priapus to God Almighty.
I bring all this up, in part, to provide a fascinating anecdote for you increasingly demanding Goodreads review mavens to chew on, but also to note how often Priapus is invoked in Petronius' masterwork, The Satyricon. The above facts about Priapus and his conversion into hot cross buns are, not surprisingly, not taught very much--nay, I vouchsafe, never--in Sunday school, nor is The Satyricon taught often enough in high schools. I think if it were, instead of, say, The Iliad and Odyssey or The Scarlet Letter, a continuing interest in literature might be planted in otherwise idling and distracted young minds.
There was a time, a few generations ago, when the Satyricon was kind of a hush-hush thing. If you could find it at all, it was probably in a limited edition, expensive leather-bound cover latched on both sides by a strap and a bronze lock and secured inside an impenetrable oaken cabinet in the off-limits environs of a respectable, well-to-do gentleman's smoking den. Even as late as 1930, when the Allinson translation was published, this was still classed as "erotica."
And, indeed, this 2000-year-old romp is very very dirty stuff. Not really explicit, per se, but filled with delightful debaucheries unsuitable to delicate sensibilities. To say it is not politically correct would be an understatement. The Romans had very different ideas about sex; in many ways they were much freer. And so by the time this opus is over we've seen our lower-class protagonist scamps in many states of un-toga-ness, enjoying much boy love (along with the occasional woman or girl). At one point, when Priapus fails to raise the wilted member of our lively young anti-hero, Encolpius, an old witch tries to cure his impotence with an herbal-laced leather dildo shoved up his ass.
He and an old lecher poet companion, Eumolpus, think nothing of enjoying the favors of the children of Philomela, who pimps out her kids whenever she thinks the patrons are rich (in the case of Encolpius and Eumolpus, they're not; they're just big liars and thieves who go from place to place trying to evade the law and their wake of angry victims; that is, when they're not fighting among each other and their companions in jealous boy-love rages over the favors of the fair 16-year-old Giton). The characters fight and fart and fuck. And when they fart, the characters laugh. Mel Brooks and Beavis and Butthead would have felt right at home.
So, yes, it's that kind of book. It's the Iliad and Odyssey of illicit and ornery. The Candide of cock. The Don Quixote of dong. The Canterbury Tales of tail.
It's all in the grand Western literary tradition of the great journey. Like Voltaire's Candide the action is fleet, the forward motion is sweeping; fortunes change quickly, up and down; the situations are outrageous, comical, bawdy and raucous. Hot passions, animus and temporal alliances wax and wane at the drop of a toga, which is often. Luckily, deus ex machina are always ever present whenever a new story wrinkle or an escape is needed.
It proceeds with an almost naive, wide-eyed sense of good humor. After reading it, I wondered how Fellini in 1969 could have made such a dour movie out of this breezy concoction. I think the Italian master director kind of missed the point.
Several chapters are devoted to describing an amazing multi-course feast hosted by a foolish egotistical bourgeosie named Trimalchio. It has to rank as one of the marvels of literature and historical insight. The kinds of things people used to eat and the ways in which the dishes and attendant frivolities were served to impress guests is inherently fascinating to me.
Along the way there also are lovely ruminations on mortality, art, and love as well as prescient portents about the fate of the empire (not just of Rome, but of later ones, eg. the USA).
The book is episodic, to be sure, and I felt like I could probably read it backwards without there being much difference. What we have of The Satyricon is a surviving fragment, perhaps as little as 1/5th of the original book. But what we do have is golden, though admittedly it probably works best in Latin, dependent as most of us are on translations of varying quality. As a literary read, I give it three stars; as an invaluable record from antiquity I give it five. I split the difference...
I think there might be one quote in the book that sums up its ethos:
"So much better does it profit a man to train his member than his mind!"
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A few more favorites include:
"I knew not whether I was the more incensed with the boy for having robbed me of my mistress, or with my mistress for debauching the boy."
"You never saw so unfortunate a fellow; soaked leather, that's what his tool is!"
"On hearing this, Oenothea sat down between us, and after shaking her head awhile, "I am the only woman," she said, "knows how to cure this complaint. And that you may not think I'm doing at random, I require the young fellow to sleep one night with me, and see if I don't make it stiff as horn!
"I was still deploring the stranger's fate, as I supposed him to be, when the swell heaved the face, still quite undisfigured, towards the beach, and I recognized the features of Lichas, my erstwhile enemy, so formidable and implacable a foe, now cast helpless almost at my feet. I could restrain my tears no longer, but smiting my breast again and again, "Where is your anger now," I exclaimed, "and all your domineering ways? There you lie, a prey to the fishes and monsters of the deep; you who so short a while ago proudly boasted your despotic powers, have never a plank left of your great ship. Go to, mortals; swell your hearts with high-flown anticipations. Go to, ye men of craft; arrange the disposal for a thousand years to come of the wealth you have got by fraud. Why! only yesterday this dead man here cast up the accounts of his fortune, and actually fixed in his own mind the day, when he should return to his native shore. Ye Gods! how far away he lies from the point he hoped to reach. Nor is it the sea alone that disappoints men's hopes like this. The warrior is betrayed by his arms; the householder in the act of paying his offerings to heaven is overwhelmed in the ruin of his own penates. One is thrown from his car, and breathes his last hurried breath; the glutton dies of an over-hearty meal, the frugal man of fasting. Reckon it aright, and there is shipwreck everywhere. But then a drowned man misses burial, you object. As if it made one scrap of difference how the perishable body is consumed,--by fire, by water, or by time. Do what you will, these all end in the same result."
"Many are the victims, my young friends," he began, "poetry has seduced! The instant a man has got a verse to stand on its feet and clothed a tender thought in appropriate language, he thinks he has scaled Helicon right off. Many others, after long practice of forensic talents, finally retreat to the tranquil calm of verse-making as to a blessed harbor of refuge, imagining a poem is easier put together than an argument all embroidered with scintillating conceits. But a mind of nobler inspiration is revolted by this flippancy; and no intellect that is not flooded with a mighty tide of learning, can either conceive or bring to birth a worthy poetic child. "
"Nor less in Mars's Field Corruption swayed,
Where every vote was prostitute to gain;
The People and the Senate both were sold.
E'en Age itself was deaf to Virtue's voice,
And all its court to sordid interest paid,
Beneath whose feet lay trampled Majesty.
E'en Cato's self was by the crowd exiled,
Whilst he who won suffused with blushes stood,
Ashamed to snatch the power from worthier hands.
Oh! shame to Rome and to the Roman name!
'Twas not one man alone whom they exiled,
But banished Virtue, Fame and Freedom too.
Thus wretched Rome her own destruction bought,
Herself the merchant, and herself the ware.
Besides, in debt was the whole Empire bound,
A prey to Usury's insatiate jaws;
Not one could call his house, or self, his own;
But debts on debts like silent fevers wrought,
Till through the members they the vitals seized."