Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior

by Beverly D. Flaxington

This book should not be missed by anyone who wants to improve the quality of their relationships! Leveraging decades of experience working with people in many different areas and experiences, Beverly Flaxington has found a way to explain to allof us what we simply don't learn naturally - how to understand and communicatewith others more effectively.Readers will gain the insights they need to identify relationship missteps, and then apply easy-to-learn techniques to bring relationships to a more meaningful level in both personal and business settings.

Genres: Psychology, Business, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Audiobook, Communication

104 pages, Paperback

First published April 13, 2009

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Has your perspective on a situation ever been wrong? Have you ever wondered why you click with some people and not others? Have you ever been misunderstood and wonder why the person you’re talking to doesn’t “get” what you’re saying? Or have you ever devalued someone you disagreed with because they see a situation different than you? If you’ve ever found yourself in any of these situations I recommend reading this book.

Beverly Flaxington outlines five secrets to understanding other people and ourselves, and how to effectively communicate in our personal and professional lives. This is a great introductory, or refresher book; there are no new concepts within these pages, but a valuable book to read nonetheless.

There’s an overuse of adverbs, which can make reading difficult at times, but hopefully that can be overlook because the message is important. Overall, I enjoyed this short read, and the reminder of why and how to communicate effectively is so important.

[Sandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

After having read one other book from Beverly, I was not surprised at how informative or useful her words and thoughts were. She based this book from a graduate college lecture she gave titled Dealing with Difficult People. I can understand, being a business major, why this would become a college course that students should take regardless of what they are majoring in but most importantly if you are going into business. Taking this from a business perspective, this is essential! You must understand how people think and why everyone's "filters" are different. She uses what she calls 5 secrets to understanding people throughout the book and it is a super easy and quick read. Regardless, you pick up so much from the chapters that stay with you and help you develop easier, much more fulfilling relationships with those around you. We as humans will never fully understand one another and why should we really?! But we should be able to live civilly and peacefully with one another while we are here. The concepts she writes about are simple but so powerful and will really help you become a better person.

[A.R. Silverberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Understanding Other People was a thought-provoking, fascinating read, filled with sound advice and strategies to increase understanding and communication with others. The book provides a useful way to frame difficult interactions, and is filled with practical examples everyone can relate to. The chapter on behavioral styles was worth the price of admission, but there is so much more packed into these pages. Flaxington's metaphor for perceptual filters offers an excellent explanation of cognitive distortions. In addition, the book is well written and easy to read. I felt like the author was sitting with me and having a conversation.

Flaxington makes a cogent argument for the power of awareness, and for all of us to focus, listen more deeply, and drop the filters that distort our perception. Whether you seek more intimacy or a more productive workplace, this book provides excellent tools to help you understand and navigate difficult interactions. An outstanding book for anyone seeking deeper levels of understanding and communication in personal and professional relationships.

[Wafaa Darwich · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating 3.5

[Kim Hansen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow! What a great book! Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior by author Beverly Flaxington should be required reading as far as I’m concerned!

This book, as aptly titled, describes and explains in detail the five secrets to human behavior, which are:

It’s All About Me
Behavior Styles Come Between Us
Values Speak Louder
Don’t Assume I Know What You Mean
I’m Okay; You are Most Definitely NOT Okay
When you look at the behaviors above, how many of you know someone that fits into one of these categories? Or do you see yourself in one of these? If you answer no to whether or not you see yourself, this is even more reason for you to read this book!

Although we will never fully understand ourselves or each other for that matter, this book takes a close look at how you need to learn more about how people think in order to find your comfort zone with them and be able to communicate. Everyone has what she calls “filters” - which is basically how each of us views reality. By learning more about what motivates people, and what their particular filters are, we can improve how we communicate with each other as individuals.

In this short, yet informative book, she also discusses how you can improve your personal and business relationships by learning how to take charge of your own actions/reactions to others, how to increase communication with others by matching their behavior style, how to work with difficult people, and many more!

I highly recommend you check out this book and pass it along to everyone you know!

[Tami]

We’ve all had those moments when we wished we could change the behavior of our spouse or co-worker. They are wrong, we are right. We wonder why they just don’t get it.

The thing is that we could yell until we are blue in the face and we still won’t change someone else. Their actions are based on how they think, feel, and see the world. The only thing we can do is to change ourselves and the way we view interaction.

Understanding Other People helps people understand their own communication issues. Essentially, we all see things from our own perspective. This is imperative to understand when you are talking to someone but just as important to recognizing the causes of your own frustrations. Connecting with others starts with self knowledge.

[Tara Bush · Rating 2 out of 5]

A short read, but very basic. If you haven't figured most of this out on your own, you really haven't put much thought into communicating with other people. A nice reminder, though.

[Chris · Rating 2 out of 5]

I listened to the audio book and it’s just okay. I remember only the first point, it’s all about me and that seemed to encompass half of the book.

There was a lot of talk about the DISC profile and the consulting work the author has done and why you should buy her book and believe her when she has just paid to offer DISC training like many others have done.

I have a hard time recommending this book.

[Jodi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful audiobook. May I be a better listener. 5 steps to being able to achieve 'self-less listener skills'

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Secret Number One: It's all about me
I cannot, even if I try, experience life without me, my filters. Each of us has a different version of reality, as seen through our filters, and we each think our reality is the correct one. We fiercely protect our self-image, because it's all about me.

Secret Number Two: Our Behavioral Styles Come Between Us
Behavioral preferences. Most of us have heard of these. They come from Carl Jung's work on personality types. Beverly describes the preferences as the four P's of behavior: problems, people, pace, and procedures. The more similar a person's preferences to another the easier it is to work together.

Secret Number Three: Your Values Speak Louder Than You Do
Whereas behavior is what we do, values are why we do them. She describes six core values: utilitarian, individualistic, theoretical, social, aesthetic, and traditional. This really is the same secret as number two, just packaged differently. Like before, we put people into boxes and label them with the hope that it will help explain behavior.

Secret Number Four: Don't Assume I Know What You Mean
Others cannot understand us without our help. We need to provide them a context, a view into who we are. And who are we? We are a set of filters, behavioral preferences, and values. Unless we share these things, others will struggle to truly understand us. Don't make assumptions instead seek to understand. Why would others spend the energy to know us? After all, it's all about me. We can provide such motivation if we can convey to them how it would be beneficial for them to understand us.

Secret Number Five: I'm OK; You are Most Definitely NOT OK
Inside all of us is a fear that we aren't very good, that we're not OK. So how do we handle this fear? We scream and rant about how wrong others are in a futile attempt to make ourselves feel better. "The traits we rail against and dislike in others are the same traits that we dislike about ourselves, and may try to keep buried and secret from the rest of the world." We try to paint a picture of how wrong you are in an effort to make ourselves look so right.

The five secrets are neatly summed up in three paragraphs:

"Recognize that we do have our filters. We do have our own behavioral style and approach, and we do have unique values that drive us. When we communicate, we are each expressing our own style with our values deeply rooted in what we believe is right. If your style differs from mine, and your values are at odds with what I care about, communication and understanding are going to take us both a lot of effort and giving."

"And even once we get past the style and values differences, remember that I still can't understand everything you mean because I'm not you. When you give me small pieces of information, snippets of what you want me to understand, but you don't provide me the context and background for why it matters--you don't give me the chance to really understand you."

"While you are talking to me, know that even though I may be approaching you with bravado and a forthright statement in our exchange, the truth is I don't believe--deep down--that I'm okay, or that you are either."

The five secrets are very interesting. And taken together do indeed provide some powerful insights into human behavior. It takes more than just understanding the secrets, though; it requires you to experiment with them, to observe yourself and others. You just had your year-end performance review. Didn't get the bonus you were expecting? For your boss, it's all about them. For you, it's all about you. How can giving you a bonus be beneficial to your boss? What communication style would work best with them? I find these types of questions useful. They get you out of the me mindset and makes you look for mutually beneficial solutions.

I did take off one star because the ideas in this book aren't very original. Moreover, I felt the narrative rambled and could have been tighter. The concepts were a bit abstract. Some more anecdotal stories would have helped make the secrets more concrete. Nonetheless, I'm a sucker for understanding human behavior. This book didn't disappoint me, just lacked in a few areas. I would definitely recommend it to others.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The great thing about this book is its purposefully misleading title. Yes, this book is about 'understanding other people,' but it's really about understanding and managing your own behavior. There are more to-dos and lessons for you, the reader, which is perfectly fine, but you should know that going into this. It's not a long book - I read it in about 2 hours - and I can clearly see how it will be helpful in my daily interactions with people at work and home. But if you're looking for an in-depth book on psychological behavioral, this is not it. Still, Bev has put together a concise treatise on dealing with others. If you've ever taken a "Dealing with Difficult People" course, taken a Meyers-Briggs test, or a Strengths Finder, much of this will be familiar to you.

[Nanci Arvizu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that should be opened every day. Just read a paragraph or two every day and apply it to your day - instant results! I had the opportunity to talk with Beverly on my Blog Talk Radio Show, Page Readers. Listen to Beverly talk about her book at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/page-rea...-

[Natalia Dubniak · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved the book! A very concise and practical guide on how we can open up and revisit our "It's all about me" perspective and allow "the other" a room and a right to be with us that eventually leads to a "we-space" being and thinking. 5 secrets, 5 perspective challenges, 5 openings inside-out.

[Gianfranco Torino · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s a short read that will open your eyes to relationship politics that can help you improve the way you relate to people.

[Grac]

Read this for a college course. It was fine. Don’t really recommend, but could help someone I’m sure

[Gabriela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Offers tools and actionable steps that can help us to overcome the barriers that we so often face in interpersonal communication



'Understanding Other People' by Beverly Flaxington offers tools and actionable steps that can help us to overcome the barriers that we so often face in interpersonal communication. The well thought out tips offered here are applicable in virtually every area in a person's life including leading a team, sitting in an interview, communicating with a loved one as well as in business communication.

One message I took away from this book is the idea that it is about you. This does not mean it is about you in the selfish, conceited way but rather that you have to understand yourself, take charge of your emotions, and behavior before you can begin to truly understand others. This is especially helpful and can go a long way in saving us the grief that we sometime encounter when people fail to understand one another. I also admire the fact that Flaxington took a very conversational approach to put her point across. I believe that this one of the best books on interpersonal communications I have come across; it is less theoretical and more practical, allowing you to relate the concepts with real situations you may have even encountered.

There is a part that the author describes the traditional person and his value structures. Not many people would agree with that description but this a highly recommended read for anyone wanting to communicate better with others.

[B.J. Burgess · Rating 5 out of 5]

We have put men on the moon, we’ve created tiny microchips, and we’ve created the world wide net, but the one thing we can’t figure out is how to understand other people. No one human being is the same, we’re all ordinary with are own personal thoughts and desires. This can make it difficult for us to understand other people, let alone us.

Author Beth D. Flaxington is a corporate consultant, hypnotherapist, a certified behavioral analyst, a college professor and a professional coach. And now she was written Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior to help us understand what people are saying when they are speaking to us. Understanding human behavior can improve your everyday life, such as getting along with a co-worker or your boss, or understanding your partner or spouse’s needs.

Life can be crazy, especially with the failing economy and this book can help you in job interviews, performing well in teams, rebooting your own actions and reactions, and understanding yourself by using five simple secrets - “It’s All About Me,” “Behavioral Styles Come Between Us,” “Values Speak Louder,” “Don’t Assume I Know What You Mean,” and “I’m Okay; You Are Most Definitely NOT Okay.”

To me, human behavior is definitely a mystery! It is impossible to read someone’s mind unless you are a psychic, so I found Understanding Other People to be an interesting topic to read. The author uses a simple, but common sense way of explaining how you can get along with others by understanding yourself first. What ever your occupation is, you can benefit from reading this book.

[Linda B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Understanding Other People is a quick study for dealing with different personalities and problems that may occur with communication. The author outlines behavior and personality styles and how to communicate in a positive manner with individuals.

As she outlines the different characteristics of each style, you will immediately recognize yourself and others. This is a good book for employers for building teamwork or for individuals who need to understand why others act the way they do. At the end of each chapter is a guide for practical use of the information.

As a traditional woman of faith, however, I was disappointed with the author’s description of a “Traditional”. Quote: “Traditional, value-driven people believe that a given set of rules exists and that they – and others – must abide by those rules without question.” Really? According to the author we may be, “Bible thumping individuals” or “spend their weekends and down-time at retreats with other members of their faith”. I think some personal prejudice from the author came through in a bad way.

[Eclectic Review · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written for co-workers to better understand each other, but I also found it helpful to communicate better with my spouse.

Dr. Flaxington states that "The most powerful people are the ones who understand themselves better than others understand them." She helps us to find out more about ourselves by finding out what triggers our responses, what our values are and knowing how we communicate. The first and main secret is that everything is "all about me". Our reactions to others is how we unintentionally "view every experience through our own lenses". We need to watch others, listen and pay attention, watch our own reactions, recognize our own triggers and be committed to stop using our preconceived ideas.

She states that we don't need to change for anyone, but to adapt to situations and other people and communication will be improved.

I learned a lot and will definitely be using the 5 secrets in all aspects of my life.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book quite interesting. Some of the ideas I was familiar with, but some were new to me. I know we all have values, but was not familiar with the concept that there are 6 core values and our personal values fall in descending order, most important to least. We are guided by our top two. And may not even realize consciously what those are. We may therefore have difficulty when interacting with someone whose top two values are the opposite of ours. Not only does our behavioral style impact how we interact but also these values.
The book points out that no one is "wrong" but reminds us that there are different ways of looking at things and sometimes our frustration is due to our styles and not the other person being a difficult person.
Again, quite interesting.

[John McCarthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a five faceted gem of a book. I am a litigator and run my own law office. The most important part of my profession is communicating with and persuading judges, other counsel, clients and jurors to see and agree with my point of view. This book has provided me with insights that I never considered. It has helped me tremendously and will help any attorney or businessman/woman to polish their communication skills. It is always a good idea to listen to a pro and Ms. Flaxington delivers with her concise and easy to read book.

[John McCarthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a five faceted gem of a book. I am a litigator and run my own law office. The most important part of my profession is communicating with and persuading judges, other counsel, clients and jurors to see and agree with my point of view. This book provided me with insights that I never considered. It has helped me tremendously and will help any attorney or businessman/woman to polish their communications skills. It is always a good idea to listen to a pro and Ms. Flaxington delivers with her concise and easy to read book.

[Shin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Valuable reminder of human nature, though they are very basic information. I have enjoyed reading it, as it is written a little different from other books. It is definitely worth reading.

What are the five secrets?
1. Everyone is tune into WIIFM (What's in it for me?)
-so beware of yours and other people's filter

2. Understanding other people's behavioural style

3. Your value speak louder than you do

4. Don't assume that people know what you mean
-Make sure you clarify and explain

5. Praise, not criticise
-Understand that deepdown, everyone has doubts about themselves

[Matt Hoffer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Flaxington lays out, like the title says, five secrets (not that secret) and hits you over the head with them repeatedly. If you want a good high level look at communication, this is a great place to start. I've been thinking more and more about my own filters that I place on other people and I fefinitely recommend it to help you take a step back from yourself.

[Jason Kemp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Human behavior has become absolutely fascinating to me! Some of what the author covers I learned by simply stumbling and bumbling through life. Any reader over the age of 40 may feel the same way and will be so grateful that Ms Beverly did such a good job of organizing and putting names to much of what I thought I knew :-)

Great read !

[Jenifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, good tips on communication, but I thought it lacked examples and anecdotes to help me apply the methods in the real world. I love the approach "It's all about me," which really helped me to understand why so many misunderstandings arise during communication.

[Hamzah Alrawi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'd say this is for what I call "socioretards" or people who are really not good at communication skills or haven't figured it out by themselves. It was a waste of time for me, can be good for some people though.

[Nasser Al-mrikhy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sadly its very short book. The examples are very few and the summarizing are very brief. I think the author should consider writing a prolong version of the book. On the other hand its useful and to the point kind of book.

[Abrar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book that I think would enhance my understanding of other people and what drives their opinions. And thus, will make it easier to deal with them based on that understanding.
I have actually started to figure out people's types when they are speaking after I finished reading the book :)

[Alejandro Heracles al-Mu'minin · Rating 2 out of 5]

A simple book that examines how people's preconception or 'filters' keep them from accepting new information contrary to their previously held belief, then; less how to break past these barriers to communicate with, more about comprehending or showing empathy to those with such feelings.