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Why Do They Act That Way? - Revised and Updated: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen
In this national bestseller, acclaimed, award-winning psychologist Dr. David Walsh explains exactly what happens to the human brain on the path from childhood into adolescence and adulthood. Revealing the latest scientific findings in easy-to-understand terms, Dr. Walsh shows why moodiness, quickness to anger and to take risks, miscommunication, fatigue, territoriality, and other familiar teenage behavior problems are so common -- all are linked to physical changes and growth in the adolescent brain.
Why Do They Act That Way? is the first book to explain the changes in teens' brains and show parents how to use this information to understand, communicate with, and stay connected to their kids. Through real-life stories, Dr. Walsh makes sense of teenagers' many mystifying, annoying, and even outright dangerous behavioral difficulties and provides realistic solutions for dealing with everyday as well as severe challenges. Dr. Walsh's techniques include, among others: sample dialogues that help teens and parents talk civilly and constructively with each other, behavioral contracts, and Parental Survival Kits that provide practical advice for dealing with issues like curfews, disrespectful language and actions, and bullying. With this arsenal of strategies, parents can help their kids learn to control impulses, manage erratic behavior, cope with their changing bodies, and, in effect, develop a second brain.
Why Do They Act That Way? is the first book to explain the changes in teens' brains and show parents how to use this information to understand, communicate with, and stay connected to their kids. Through real-life stories, Dr. Walsh makes sense of teenagers' many mystifying, annoying, and even outright dangerous behavioral difficulties and provides realistic solutions for dealing with everyday as well as severe challenges. Dr. Walsh's techniques include, among others: sample dialogues that help teens and parents talk civilly and constructively with each other, behavioral contracts, and Parental Survival Kits that provide practical advice for dealing with issues like curfews, disrespectful language and actions, and bullying. With this arsenal of strategies, parents can help their kids learn to control impulses, manage erratic behavior, cope with their changing bodies, and, in effect, develop a second brain.
399 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2004
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739 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 110 reviews
September 11, 2008
This book is the clearest I've read on the biological basis for adolescent misbehavior. It covers the blossoming and pruning of neurons that goes on in the prefrontal cortex, the erratic changes in the levels of norepinephrine (the energizer neurotransmitter), dopamine (the feel-good neurotransmitter) and serotonin (the mood-stabilizing neurotransmitter), along with testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone. It also explains the workings of the amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus and the ventral striatal.
At any time one or more of these components can be responsible for the quickness to anger, laziness, impulsiveness, and misreading of other's words and emotions that adolescents are prone to.
Not that the biology lets either them or the parent off the hook. Because new pathways are being formed in the brain during adolescence, involved guidance and love from the parent is most crucial during this time. The book advocates neither strict nor permissive parenting, but a balance between the two that constitutes having firm rules and enforcement with limited negotiation.
There are all kinds of details and recommendations, among which I found the most helpful to be the communication tips:
1. Begin statements with "I" instead of "you." Starting with "you" triggers defensiveness. Instead of saying "You're really rude" say "I'm angry that you walked out of the room while I was talking with you."
2. Avoid generalizations. Don't say "You never clear the table", say "You didn't clear the table this evening."
3. Be specific. Don't say "Don't forget to take out the garbage", say "Please take out the garbage before you watch tv."
4. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that can be answered yes/no.
5. Stick to one topic at a time. Don't say " I want to talk about your report card, and you haven't been doing your chores."
6.When tension arises in communication, try not to escalate it by responding in kind. Describe how you feel, state why you're feeling it, and state what you would like. Instead of saying "You're a spoiled clueless little brat!", say "I'm angry because you are using a snide tone of voice. I'd like you to talk to me without sounding contemptuous."
7. Listening skills are also important. Use eye contact, don't interrupt, don't cross your arms, ask clarifying questions.
But there are many other good recommendations in the book, including how to set rules and enforce them in the least confrontational ways.
If I could recommend only one book for dealing with an adolescent, this book would be it.
At any time one or more of these components can be responsible for the quickness to anger, laziness, impulsiveness, and misreading of other's words and emotions that adolescents are prone to.
Not that the biology lets either them or the parent off the hook. Because new pathways are being formed in the brain during adolescence, involved guidance and love from the parent is most crucial during this time. The book advocates neither strict nor permissive parenting, but a balance between the two that constitutes having firm rules and enforcement with limited negotiation.
There are all kinds of details and recommendations, among which I found the most helpful to be the communication tips:
1. Begin statements with "I" instead of "you." Starting with "you" triggers defensiveness. Instead of saying "You're really rude" say "I'm angry that you walked out of the room while I was talking with you."
2. Avoid generalizations. Don't say "You never clear the table", say "You didn't clear the table this evening."
3. Be specific. Don't say "Don't forget to take out the garbage", say "Please take out the garbage before you watch tv."
4. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that can be answered yes/no.
5. Stick to one topic at a time. Don't say " I want to talk about your report card, and you haven't been doing your chores."
6.When tension arises in communication, try not to escalate it by responding in kind. Describe how you feel, state why you're feeling it, and state what you would like. Instead of saying "You're a spoiled clueless little brat!", say "I'm angry because you are using a snide tone of voice. I'd like you to talk to me without sounding contemptuous."
7. Listening skills are also important. Use eye contact, don't interrupt, don't cross your arms, ask clarifying questions.
But there are many other good recommendations in the book, including how to set rules and enforce them in the least confrontational ways.
If I could recommend only one book for dealing with an adolescent, this book would be it.
March 21, 2013
If the government is going to be all up in our grill about everything anyway, they should issue this to every parent on the 11th birthday of their first born child. I didn't agree with his positions of the best health care model or sex education (let's make that class an elective...let's make everything an elective...except this book), but that wasn't a deal breaker. This road map of the teen brain has been very helpful in my understanding of why my teenager is DRIVING ME CRAZY. Er. I mean, uh. No, that's right. Read the book.
April 17, 2013
With puberty in full swing for my oldest (just turned 12), I literally RAN to the library the other day and checked out an armful of books on how to successfully parent this tumultuous time with dignity (admittedly, the dignity part was lacking these last weeks/months?!). I skimmed all of the books, reading some chapters that I thought pertained and browsing ones that didn't seem relevant; basically, taking the wheat and leaving the chaff (LOTS of chaff in some of these books). WHY Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen was the only book that I read from cover to cover. David Walsh is funny while keeping a perfect balance between the seriousness of firmly parenting teens with the light-heartedness of "this won't go perfectly and expect some bumps, hills, & mountains".
My empathy for adolescence increased when I began to truly understand the scientific underlying brain development (or lack of in this case) that makes this stage of life: impulsive, short-sighted, testing authority, prone to random bouts of anger or moodiness, and exhibiting less common sense than at 4. I feel really prepared to embrace my dear son and in love give him "roots" by setting realistic expectations and boundaries while still allowing him to "spread his wings" and become an individual. Thank you Dr. David Walsh. Seriously.
My empathy for adolescence increased when I began to truly understand the scientific underlying brain development (or lack of in this case) that makes this stage of life: impulsive, short-sighted, testing authority, prone to random bouts of anger or moodiness, and exhibiting less common sense than at 4. I feel really prepared to embrace my dear son and in love give him "roots" by setting realistic expectations and boundaries while still allowing him to "spread his wings" and become an individual. Thank you Dr. David Walsh. Seriously.
June 9, 2017
If you love science and psychology and if you are a teen or a parent of any kind who will be raising a teenager....read this, study this and then read it again. The science on how the brain works and develops in adolescent brains is described in clear concise terms. All the information provided about the prefrontal cortex which is the executive functioning part of the brain that works to control emotions, impulses etc. is very interesting. I also enjoyed reading about how certain habits such as not getting enough sleep or not eating healthy really wreaks havoc on the developing brain. My favorite quote from the book is "Whatever the brain does a lot of the brain gets good at." Hmm, I wonder if that goes for reading too, hint, hint. For parents and teachers there are some solid strategies in each chapter for helping a young person through this growing stage in life.
May 1, 2019
David Walsh has put together a comprehensive toolkit for helping adults understand the paradox that is the adolescent human. As a parent of a preteen and former teacher, I found the first half of the book particularly informative which focused on the physiological changes and methods for establishing meaningful communication. Walsh provides examples from his experience as a counselor and teacher to help illustrate the theory. While section of the book touch on additional issues faced by adolescents in poverty, some examples such as "should the parents send their kid to Mexico for spring break" might be difficult to connect with.
July 14, 2018
I read this book as part of a course I took on understanding the teenage brain. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who works closely with or parents teenagers. It has a good combination of brain science, practical strategies and encouragement to make it a very readable and educational text.
January 14, 2018
There is a lot of great advice an instruction in here. I would definitely come back to it to raise teens, presuming I get to have any kids. There are a few segments I take great exception to, and they are all found in the sex category. I dislike how Walsh implies a bit of ambivalence for teens and sex. He never explicitly says it's okay for teens to have sex, but there is an awful lot of, "Teens are going to experiment with sex and sexuality," with the implication that we might as well accept that there is no getting around it. He does talk about some whys to abstain, but none of the reasons offered have to do with morality. Of course, being a secular book, I would anticipate that, but I don't agree with it. Walsh continues by saying the best thing we can do is talk to them, and we don't do enough of that. I absolutely agree about talking to them and that not enough is done. I intensely dislike psychologists making statistical statements about teens that encourage immorality, just because "everyone else is doing it". I am fine with sex education being taught in schools provide they cover risks (STDs, etc.) and biology ONLY. However, I remember even when I was in high school counselors took terrible liberties endorsing immoral behaviors and activities along with the excuse that it was common, and therefore normal and acceptable. I also remember a junior high sex ed where the instructor used teaching tools not at all appropriate. His approach treated it as a big joke. That was not at all helpful, because by 7th grade many of my peers were already sexually active, and by high school had contracted STDs. Walsh's book avoids making it a joke while still making the book an appropriate teen read. There really is a lot of helpful information.
January 24, 2023
Highly recommend to all parents. My daughter is 15 and wish i had read it earlier
March 26, 2021
Fantastic book. I had no idea how the adolescent brain functions and develops and it is so helpful especially since I have a 12 year old who has already shown so many of these behaviors. It helps to take a step back and try to understand what these kids are going through and this book 1) helped me want to be more patient and not take things personally and 2) helps me realize that I am indeed not alone and as hard as some days can be it is completely normal and with time this will hard time for both of us will pass. I recommend this book to every parent experiencing adolescence for the first time. lol.
July 30, 2010
Very good neurological explanation of why tweens do and say some of the inexplicably irrational things that they do. It's not their fault. Really.
The first 90 pages were the most useful to me - the later chapters, as is true of most of these type of books, gets into the more serious sex-drugs-drinking things that (hopefully) aren't relevant to my 11 year old. Yet. So if you don't have time to read a whole book on this subject, reading the first five chapters of this book is very worth doing.
The first 90 pages were the most useful to me - the later chapters, as is true of most of these type of books, gets into the more serious sex-drugs-drinking things that (hopefully) aren't relevant to my 11 year old. Yet. So if you don't have time to read a whole book on this subject, reading the first five chapters of this book is very worth doing.
March 2, 2015
This book is full of useful information if you have contact with any adolescents. They don't even have to be your own for this to be beneficial. While some of this is clearly science when it comes to hormones and brain development, it was still so much more than that. The author suggested many different ways to help teens and to give them realistic boundaries.
It came across as a practical tool kit that will enhance your chance at success. Some of it is common sense but it also felt like an education.
It came across as a practical tool kit that will enhance your chance at success. Some of it is common sense but it also felt like an education.
December 2, 2024
I recommend this book to anyone who has an teenager! The author talks about brain development and how if affects teens. He explains why they act the way they do, and give suggestions on how to deal with it. Seriously, if you are a parent of a teenager, read this!
November 6, 2023
A bit dated but still provides parents with a sensible survey of many of the parenting issues they might encounter, especially with troubled teens. Of course there’s not a lot of depth in any particular area of adolescent development.
July 29, 2017
When I read the title, "Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain ..." I missed the last bit, "... for You and Your Teen." So, my expectation was NOT along the line of the author's intent of it being for MY adolescent teen. For that reason I found his lists and recommendations to be a bit pedantic. Okay, so I should have paid closer attention to the author's intent.
Three of my granddaughters are teens, and I can recommend that my children would likely obtain some benefit from Walsh's years of experience - maybe. Later in the book, reflecting on his early classroom experience, he shared a couple anecdotes of his early missteps with young people that were interesting by themselves.
But I do recall a couple places where I scratched my head. In one, he had just gone through being aware of the huge amounts of stimulation that modern adolescents experience via there devices and screens, and the potential deleterious effects of them. Just a few minutes later I then encounter a technique for hooking kids up to check their brains' responses to stimuli as a treatment - Hmm? In another case, speaking of ADD and ADHD, and their quite clear over diagnoses, he then recommends that parents (who likely at this point have assented to drug treatment) go back to the professionals for another assessment to see "if Johnny really has a DD" - making me question why we would trust treatment professionals any more the second (or fifth) time, than the first (or forth).
Complaints aside, if you have a young person who is giving you grief and you are on the verge of considering professional guidance, Walsh has some valuable thing to say that may be helpful in your quest.
Three of my granddaughters are teens, and I can recommend that my children would likely obtain some benefit from Walsh's years of experience - maybe. Later in the book, reflecting on his early classroom experience, he shared a couple anecdotes of his early missteps with young people that were interesting by themselves.
But I do recall a couple places where I scratched my head. In one, he had just gone through being aware of the huge amounts of stimulation that modern adolescents experience via there devices and screens, and the potential deleterious effects of them. Just a few minutes later I then encounter a technique for hooking kids up to check their brains' responses to stimuli as a treatment - Hmm? In another case, speaking of ADD and ADHD, and their quite clear over diagnoses, he then recommends that parents (who likely at this point have assented to drug treatment) go back to the professionals for another assessment to see "if Johnny really has a DD" - making me question why we would trust treatment professionals any more the second (or fifth) time, than the first (or forth).
Complaints aside, if you have a young person who is giving you grief and you are on the verge of considering professional guidance, Walsh has some valuable thing to say that may be helpful in your quest.
May 29, 2018
Read this for a grad class but it's not one of those stuffy, boring textbooks. It's actually a parenting book but, even as an educator and not a parent, I found it very engaging and informative. I've already highly recommended it to a couple of friends who are parents. Walsh links what is happening developmentally in teens' brains to what they are experiencing and experimenting with. His discussions of brain-science were very accessible and not at all overwhelming. I also appreciated the stories that he used to illustrate parenting techniques despite the fact that some seemed a little too Pollyanna-ish. It's a hard world for our teens to be growing up in with much to get caught up in, to distract them, and to beat them down. Walsh makes a plea for parents to be connected, to be active guides, and to never stop loving them. He encourages boundaries and limits and for parents/adults to be the "stand-in prefrontal cortex or reasoning center" while the connections are still being made in teens' brains (193).
Highly recommend!
Highly recommend!
August 29, 2017
I felt that this was a well written book. The flow kept me interested. This book was also full of fear mongering. Basically if you want to raise a "good" teen you must exert control over every aspect of the teen's life just as is explained in the book or you will have a "bad" teen. I do not share the author's opinion of children or teens. Much less his parenting style. There was one chapter where he spoke of having a connection with your child or any person you want a relationship with. This I believe is the basis of the faith and trust you each need to have in the other in order to have a healthy relationship.
If you are looking for quick easy answers to raising your teen here it is. Love them fully for who they are. They are not an extension of you. They are their own person and these years will make it clear. Love them and trust them and let them trust you and when they need help they will have faith that you will help them.
If you are looking for quick easy answers to raising your teen here it is. Love them fully for who they are. They are not an extension of you. They are their own person and these years will make it clear. Love them and trust them and let them trust you and when they need help they will have faith that you will help them.
February 22, 2021
An excellent guidebook to the adolescent brain and behavior. The tour of the biology of a teen's developing brain creates a foundation for understanding why young people do what they do. Walsh's tone is perfect. He strikes a balance between scientist, counselor, teacher and been-there parent. Each chapter ends with a list of parent do's and don't-do's to help parents and other adults in teens lives put into practice the many recommendations. There is much information here but Walsh manages to make its presentation encouraging rather than overwhelming. This is one I will return to for further encouragement for years to come.
May 17, 2020
"Rather than sheltering adolescents from life, we need to help them learn to deal with it."
David Walsh has put together a great study based on science and psychology to help us understand, empathize, and deal with teenage kids. Although geared towards parents, this book is a great read for you if you have teenage siblings, cousins, or are a teenager yourself. The scientific research of Walsh will help you better understand teens if you work on a teen-related organization (i.e. summer camp, school, etc).
David Walsh has put together a great study based on science and psychology to help us understand, empathize, and deal with teenage kids. Although geared towards parents, this book is a great read for you if you have teenage siblings, cousins, or are a teenager yourself. The scientific research of Walsh will help you better understand teens if you work on a teen-related organization (i.e. summer camp, school, etc).
February 28, 2025
This book offers brain-based research and valuable perspective for parents who may be confused or frustrated with their teen’s behavior. The chapter on sleep was quite helpful. Each section has a recap at the end that summarizes key points and asks the question, “What do you want to continue and what do you want to stop doing?” Great input on how our family of origin influences our parenting style. The most important things that teens need are connection, guidance, and love. A good overall reference for anyone about to enter the teen years of parenting.
August 4, 2018
I had to read this for a grad class, and every teacher and/or parent should read this to better understand how the adolescent brain works and what they need as support. It includes a lot of science but doesn’t read like a science textbook. It was very accessible, and if adolescents are wondering why they sometimes can’t control how they behave, this is a great look at why that is.
5 stars As a teacher–reader and 5 stars as a parent-reader
5 stars As a teacher–reader and 5 stars as a parent-reader
August 8, 2020
This was recommended to me by a friend with adult children who said that when her oldest was a teen, their school district in Minnesota recommended that all parents read this book when their kids entered high school. It is a great primer on understanding adolescent brain development and helping kids thrive during this tumultuous time. Some of it was review to me, but overall I would actually recommend for any kids parents of kids who are hitting 5th grade or up.
August 11, 2020
I read this as part of a community read in our school district. Mark and I also went to hear the author speak. Great timing, as our older three kids were young teenagers at the time. Really useful information on how the teenage brain works, and especially the responsibility of parents and other adults in guiding and setting boundaries in order for the teenage brain to develop in a positive direction. "Pruning the tree."
June 19, 2017
I like his insight on adolescent behavior and as I find myself at the beginning of adolescents x 4 I am happy for the permission to connect not control. This brain research presented in a simple way helps me to realize that annoying teenage behaviors are temporary and don't need to be taken as seriously as I tend to.
July 23, 2017
I am usually not a big fan of "self-help" type books, but this one balances advice with scientific research on adolescent brain development that was interesting and helpful. It was written mostly to help parents, but many of the ideas and research are applicable to teachers of adolescents as well.
September 18, 2017
This book should be the owner's manual for raising teenagers. It was both humbling and enlightening to learn about the complexity of this stage of brain development. I have been able to share so much information with both my students and my own children. Definitely, a must-read for anyone with teenagers in their lives!
October 24, 2017
Great book on the biology and psychology of adolescents. Clear writing, science-based advice, not condescending. I'll definitely be referring to this book over the next decade, I am quite sure. Highly recommend to parents of teenagers.
January 31, 2025
Very informative on the adolescent brain. A great tool to have as we are in the trick of it having 3 teens in the house. 🙃
“Adolescence is not a problem to be solved. It is an experience to be lived.”
“Adolescence is not a problem to be solved. It is an experience to be lived.”
May 24, 2017
Great resource for parents or people who work with teenagers
August 20, 2017
Dry but contains some helpful information
March 25, 2019
Although relevant, I thought there were a lot of personal stories that made for good examples but took away from the factual quality of the book for me and made it more about the author.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 110 reviews