Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well

by Ashton Applewhite

One out of every two modern marriages ends in divorce, and 75 percent of those divorces are initiated by wives. Author Ashton Applewhite is one of these women, having sued for divorce after enduring an unfulfilling ten-year marriage. Cutting Loose is a wonderfully appealing book for women who want to leave their marriage but fear the consequences.

Shattering the media-generated image of the lonely, deprived and financially strapped divorcee, Applewhite provides a much needed reality check. Cutting Loose introduces 50 women, varying in age, race, class and predicament, who have thrived after initiating their own divorces. Their fears of financial, emotional and romantic ruin were never realized; on the contrary, their lives improved immeasurably, and their self-esteem soared.

Cutting Loose also answers the crucial questions: How do you finally decide to make the big break? What is getting divorced really like? What are the shortcomings of the legal process? What about custody and child support? financial and emotional survival? and how does a woman's self-image change during and after divorce?

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Divorce, Feminism, Sociology, Personal Growth

324 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 1, 1997

About the author

Ever the late bloomer, I didn't start writing till I was in my 40s. My first serious book, Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well, was published by HarperCollins in 1997. Ms. magazine called it “rocket fuel for launching new lives.” It landed me on Phyllis Schlafly’s Eagle Forum enemies list and an invite to join the board of the nascent Council on Contemporary Families, a group of distinguished family scholars.
The catalyst for Cutting Loose was puzzlement: why was our notion of women’s lives after divorce (visualize depressed dame on barstool) so different from the happy and energized reality? A similar question gave rise to This Chair Rocks: “Why is our view of late life so unrelievedly grim when the lived reality is so different? I began blogging about aging and ageism in 2007. Since that time, I have been recognized by the New York Times, National Public Radio, and the American Society on Aging as an expert on ageism.
Currently, I speak widely at venues that have included the TED Mainstage and the United Nations, blog at ThisChairRocks.com, and am the voice of Yo, Is This Ageist?. I’ve written for Harper’s, The Guardian, and the New York Times. I was a staff writer at the American Museum of Natural History for almost 20 years, quitting in 2017 to become a full-time writer and activist. I was honored to be included in Salt Magazine’s list of the world’s "100 most inspiring women"—along with Angelina Jolie, Elizabeth Warren, Amal Clooney, Aung San Suu Kyi, Naomi Klein, and other remarkable activists—committed to social change.

Reviews

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came to this book because Ashton Applewhite wrote a manifesto against ageism ("This Chair Rocks") and I became interested in her other writing.

She wrote it in the mid-1990's in the aftermath of her own divorce. She interviewed a lot of divorced women about their divorces. The study called in to serious question most of the mythology surrounding divorce. While women often described financial (and other) struggles post-divorce, they largely emerged with more self-confidence, maturity, and ability to communicate effectively about what they wanted out of relationships. Ashton concludes:

"The fact that marriage is oppressive for so many women is not the fault of the institution or the players but of society. When men have more power than women, women are readily exploitable. I got divorced because I felt personally, not politically, oppressed. But gradually I saw that what doomed my marriage was less my ex-husband's and my personal failing, many though they were, than social forces about which I was completely clueless at the time."

I've never been married, but what infuriated me most in reading this book was the strong impression that we had made extremely little progress between 1995 and 2015. The #MeToo movement brought exposure of deep misogyny, which continues to manifest in the appointment to the Supreme Court of a man credibly accused of casual sexual assault; near perfect correlation between commission of white supremacist terrorist attacks and history of intimate partner violence; continued politicization of women's reproductive rights; persistent large wage gap between men and women; and so many other systemic, societal issues. Maybe the large scale exposure itself is progress - maybe it is the incision and drainage of the festering abscess. But it doesn't feel like that yet by a long shot.

We need to fundamentally reconsider the structure of our relationships.

[Duckoffimreading · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ashton Applewhite's book examines the women's situation after divorce from all aspects. After going through divorce herself, and interviewing many women who have - by in large, and with some tradeoffs in financial lifestyle, most women agreed that they don't regret their divorce only that they didn't do it sooner. Some lament getting married at all - but many see it as an important lesson and experience in their lives and wouldn't have made them who they are today (or contributed the children they have to their lives). I walked away from this book with a renewed sense of hope and optimism - no matter how it turns out and with time, life goes on and is often rewarding and better in the long run.

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s well written and it seems like she did an awful lot of work to research it. It’s an enjoyable enough read too. However I gave it 3 stars because it seems really anecdotal, and it’s the kind of work that could be easily cherry picked to prove her point. I’m not saying that it is cherry picked, it just seems to me it’s a fair possibility so take it with a grain of salt.

[Aimee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Informative. The continued references to artists and writers complaining about partners lacking respect for their work is a little hilarious because the humanities doesn't garner much respect from the culture as a whole so its unfair to lay it down as some sort of brutish character flaw. I could go on. But sufficient to say it's a very validating read if you want to feel better about ending things regardless of the reason. You'll find it here.

[Cristine Mermaid · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent book for those who feel all alone and are beyond disgusted with those who don't 'get' it.
Some parts completely unrelatable, but there is no perfect book for any experience

[Jane]

meh

[Shelley N. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a definate heads up for women who are single..or partners of any persuasion that find themselves alone..

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars. A bit outdated. A bit repetitive.

[Judy Karasik · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wise, it is funny, it performs the amazing task of weaving a multitude of histories (which vary wonderfully in terms of class, race, and culture) into a coherent theme-driven narrative, which makes it so much easier for the reader and so much more useful, which is probably more important.

The author has done a tremendous amount of research yet wears it so lightly it is practically invisible; it simply informs the work and gives it a strength and legitimacy that it probably has needed to defend itself in this insane world in which we live. There are some beautiful sentences in it. And I am a short sentence fan, so I don't mean Gorgeous-fancy, I mean gorgeous-gorgeous.

I might also mention that although I thought of (and have recommended it to) several friends who have been through or who are going through tough divorces, I am currently doing just fine with my marriage. I've read reviews of this book where the reviewer felt the author hadn't had a good relationship. I thought it was clear that the marriage she left was in many ways, early on, a good thing, and that her current relationship is healthy and moving along well.

Here is a personal note, however: So one night when I was about 2/3 of the way through, my husband asks me How's that DIVORCE book you're reading and I found myself saying, Actually, you would probably identify with a lot of these disgruntled women when you think of the marriage YOU left. Because he always says he was least like himself when he was married to his first wife (who remains a good friend to us both).

[Marsena Adams-Dufresne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A level-headed, smart approach to a difficult topic. The author, who went through a divorce herself, relies on the stories of hundreds of other women and a lot of research to illuminate a confusing and conflict-filled journey. I would recommend this to any woman who is either going through or contemplating a divorce. Applewhite does not blink in the face of painful reality, nor does she get hysterical about how tough the process is.

[Nana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book truly made a difference as I went through my divorce in 1997. Very relevant at the time, I am not sure if 20 years later the book would still be as helpful.

[Pascha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helped demystify some of what I struggled with and make me realize I'm more normal than not.