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Charlie Willis #1

My Gun Has Bullets

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The outrageously funny thriller about Hollywood that only Lee Goldberg, the #1 New York Times bestselling author and hit TV producer, could have written.

When Beverly Hills Police Officer Charlie Willis pulls over a speeding Rolls Royce hell-bent for Neiman Marcus, he’s surprised to see Esther Radcliffe, the geriatric star of the TV series Miss Agatha, behind the wheel. He’s even more surprised when she guns him down and keeps on driving. A few hours later, he wakes up in the intensive care unit…to find a William Morris agent, a network president, and the head of Pinnacle Studios standing at the foot of his bed. They have a proposal for him: if he forgets who shot him, they’ll make him the star of his own series, My Gun Has Bullets. Charlie takes the deal, trading his real badge for a fake one…and so begins an uproarious but deadly romp through the wonderful world of TV make-believe…with real bullets.

300 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1995

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About the author

Lee Goldberg

158 books2,108 followers
Lee Goldberg is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of over forty novels, including Malibu Burning, Calico, Lost Hills (the first novel in his acclaimed "Eve Ronin" series), 15 "Monk" mysteries, five "Fox & O'Hare" adventures (co-written with Janet Evanovich), and the new thriller Ashes Never Lie, the second in his "Sharpe & Walker" series.. He's written and/or produced many TV shows, including Diagnosis Murder, SeaQuest, and Monk and he co-created the Hallmark movie series Mystery 101.

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191 (23%)
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254 (30%)
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230 (27%)
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96 (11%)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews
Profile Image for Mort.
Author 3 books1,624 followers
October 11, 2020
Fame – it’s nothing but bullshit.

I read this book because I liked the blurb, only reading the reviews afterward. The negative reviews really surprised me, until I realized some of the people who posted may have been expecting something along the lines of the MONK books.
While I haven’t read any of them, I did watch a few episodes of the TV series, and it was really good PG entertainment.

This book, however, was aimed at the more adult audience. As a thriller, it was a very good story, and I thought the jokes were hilarious. It kind of reminded me of the Cole/Pike characters by Crais, or the Kenzie/Gennarro characters by Lehane, or even Myron/Win by Coben – although it might be more humorous than those. If I had to pinpoint it, I would rate this somewhere between Carl Hiaason and Tim Dorsey, but with a GET SHORTY/BE COOL/BIG TROUBLE vibe.
Maybe I’m just biased because I used to be a movie and television fanatic when I was younger – I think I got the jokes, in other words.
And, while humor is subjective, I really do think this book deserves a much higher rating.

Yes, yes, yes – the cesspool that is Hollywood. Or, perhaps more accurately, Hollyweird.
We’ve all heard that being in Hollywood is like being on another planet – these people have a very warped idea of normal. And, being on top means everybody loves you, despite having to be the dirtiest player in the game. Most of them make sharks look like Salvation Army mascots and have a moral compass that would make a dictator envious.

Friendships are built on mutual respect for money and influence, even though a mild wind could blow it away with tomorrow’s failures. True love is as fleeting as a fart in a hurricane. Bonds are as shallow as the shadow of snake shit at the bottom of the ocean. And, nearly all of them are attention whores who will do things that will make a crack-addicted street hooker blush. With over-inflated egos, they have vainglorious ideas of their worth and will live in denial if others can’t see it. And don’t get me started on “reality” tv stars who have illusions of grandeur coming out of their ears, but rarely the talent to actually back it up.

Indeed, this is LaLa Land where only the most ruthless can survive. And the worst part? It is our fault. We enable them. Because we buy into their shit.
And it is all bullshit.

Think about it for a moment:
We like these people and give them money to be somebody they are not.
It is all fake, every single thing, yet we buy into how good or bad people are based on made up characters. And then some of them will hate those very characters who made them famous.

And there is the magic word: FAME.

Fame and wealth means you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and not have to worry about consequences. They live by a different set of rules than the rest of humanity. And that is what this book so beautifully captures.

"And that’s when he came to a stunning realization: you don’t have to be an actor in a TV show to confuse reality with television. Nobody can tell the difference. Everybody thinks these characters are real."

Which is why, when Charlie Willis gets shot by the most famous television actress in the world during a traffic stop, he gets his own television series with a decent paycheck, called MY GUN HAS BULLETS.

Allow me this little experiment – I will explain soon:

1. Jaleel White
2. Bronson Pinchot
3. Philip Michael Thomas
4. George Wendt
5. Dwight Schultz
6. Maggie Wheeler
7. Roger E. Mosley
8. Bruce McGill
9. Michael Cudlitz
10. Nicholas Brendon
11. Kevin Sussman
12. Jim Beaver
13. Wade Williams
14. Rico Rodriguez
15. C.S. Lee
16. Rachelle Shumway
17. Kathryn Joosten
18. Tim Kang
19. William B. Davis
20. Joe Tuttle

Okay, the twenty names I have given you up here are all actors who became famous in well known and much watched television shows, ranging from the 80’s to now. All of them had significant roles in their respective shows.
How many do you recognize?
(I’ll admit, the younger generation may struggle with some of them.)

Oh, wait, you need more clues for the twenty names?
Right – these are their character names.

1. Steve Urkel
2. Balki Bartokomous
3. Ricardo Tubbs
4. Norm Peterson (Nooooorrrrmmmmmm)
5. ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock
6. Janice Hosenstein
7. Theodore “T.C.”Calvin
8. Jack Dalton
9. Abraham Ford
10. Xander Harris
11. Stuart Bloom
12. Bobby Singer
13. Brad Bellick
14. Manny Delgado
15. Vince Masuka
16. Julia Shumway
17. Karen McCluskey
18. Kimball Cho
19. Cigarette Smoking Man
20. Greg Smith

Easy, right?
Anyway, back to the book. It is war between the studios to take the top spot (ratings wise) for their television shows. And that was before the mob got involved.

"After all, that’s how he got this job in the first place. Every executive knew the only way to step up in network television was on someone else’s back."

And, when the first person dies, it will be Charlie (the good guy) who pulled the trigger.
Everything starts to snowball...

What’s that?
You need more info on the list?
Okay, here are the shows they were in, which made them famous.


1. Family Matters
2. Perfect Strangers
3. Miami Vice
4. Cheers
5. The A-Team
6. Friends
7. Magnum P.I.
8. MacGuyver
9. The Walking Dead
10. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
11. The Big Bang Theory
12. Supernatural
13. Prison Break
14. Modern Family
15. Dexter
16. Under The Dome
17. Desperate Housewives
18. The Mentalist
19. The X-Files
20. Mindhunter

Got it?
I bet you’re kicking yourself right now.

The book –
Things get out of hand. The hitman, the ratings, the dog, the perfect boobs...
And, just out of curiosity – is there a term for the opposite of beastiality?

So, if you’ve reached this point in the review, you are either interested in where I’m going with this or you are stubborn as fuck.

The point of this experiment was this:
For every episode you’ve watched of these shows, you invited these people into your home and convinced yourself you like them, simply because they showed you someone they are NOT. Bet you had to Google most of their faces to see who I was talking about. And when you did, you asked yourself:
‘I wonder what happened to that person?’
And, was your life any worse because they were not in it anymore?

I’m not immune, guys, I also buy into the bullshit. I watched all twenty shows I mentioned, and many more which I didn’t. I liked these characters, but I don’t know any of them, even though my brain tries to convince me otherwise.

And that brings me back to my original statement:
Fame – it’s nothing but bullshit.

Read this book if you want to be entertained.
6,204 reviews80 followers
June 16, 2022
Screwball type mystery set in the television industry. A policeman pulls over an Angela Lansbury type actress, who shoots him. To hush things up, the studio gives the cop a TV show.

Meanwhile, the mob is trying to muscle its way into the business. The Angela Lansbury type thinks someone is trying to blackmail her. The cop and a wanna-bee actress start poking around.

Humorous, but what does Goldberg have against Chad Everett?
851 reviews158 followers
August 14, 2023
This is a satirical take on the Television and showbiz. As I don’t watch much TV or movies, I couldn’t entirely relate to the humour. There were some extremely weird characters and lots of violence. Lee Goldberg is a Hollywood insider, so even if half of what was written here is true, Hollywood is really a crazy place to be in.
Profile Image for DP Lyle.
201 reviews19 followers
February 21, 2012
Hysterical. Does for Hollywood what Elmore Leonard does for Detroit and Carl Hiaasen for FLorida. LMAO.
Profile Image for Nancy Silk.
Author 5 books82 followers
April 11, 2018
"Where's The Humor and Charm?"

Well, if you are a Lee Goldberg fan, you know he's a little over the top in his stories. You'll either hate this story, accept it, or thoroughly enjoy it. Even if the author appears a little crazy and insane, the story is very well written and entertaining ... for the most part. This reader would like a little less naughty words ... but I still love the basic story. This mystery takes place in Beverly Hills and deals with creators and performers of television series. Since Police Officer Charlie Willis has been shot in the abdomen by a geriatric star of "Miss Agatha," the network president will give him his own TV show if he keeps the incident a secret. Thus, the name of his show is "My Gun Has Bullets." There's a lot of humor here until there is another murder. Give it a try; be patient, it gets more intense as you advance in the story.
449 reviews5 followers
March 11, 2022
Reads like a Carl Hiaasen novel, but cruder and nastier (I think Hiaasen has more nuance and empathy for his weirdo characters). I don't think that some of the more gruesome things that happen are even physically possible. (I am particularly referring to those involving Boo-Boo, and the dynamic duo Burt and Otto.)

The excerpt of the next book in the series (Dead Space) seemed familiar. It turns out Goldberg recycled the Star Trek -like show "Beyond the Beyond" and the characters from an episode of a show called "She-Wolf of London". (Does anybody still remember that one?)

I started an earlier Goldberg book called Judgment (another Kindle freebie), and lo and behold, the name Esther Radcliff appears on the first page (but a different character, I assume).
Profile Image for Linda.
231 reviews13 followers
September 19, 2020
Dark comedy about LA showbiz

This was a pretty funny, sarcastic read. I know nothing about the TV industry so I'm sure some of the humor was lost but it certainly lived up to all the stereotypes of TV and showbiz execs. While the TV references were a bit dated, being written in the '90s, it was still a humorous story.
15 reviews
August 7, 2020
It was a fun read but it got bogged down by all the extra TV ratings talk throughout the book.
Profile Image for Lindsay.
360 reviews71 followers
June 13, 2016
I was surprised by how much I liked this book.

Usually, I hate Hollywood-type stories, so I started this book thinking it would be another book I'd delete from my ereader after I read. The beginning few pages didn't change my initial impressions because it seemed sort of a rambling prose and it jumped from character to character and we didn't know how all those people connected.

Somewhere soon after, I realized I was hooked. The humor, the sarcasm, the satire, the incredulity - all of those things kept me turning pages and laughing the entire day (which was all it took to finish reading).

The datedness of My Gun Has Bullets didn't bother me. The action is so non-stop, I didn't have much time to think about how much the internet and social media have changed Hollywood....or not.

Yes, many of the plot points were ridiculous. However, it is supposed to be satire. Therefore, I didn't have any problems with suspension of belief. The ridiculous plot points were just crazy enough to make fun of Hollywood while still making you wonder if Hollywood would actually stoop to that level of crazy.
42 reviews
June 17, 2020
Bizzarre yet humorous. Goldberg's character development is wonderful. A faintly vailed parody on Hollywood crazies. Insecurity abounds, while insincerity and backstabbing become a life form.

Great stuff, well written as well as providing insight into the crazy world of television and motion picture universe
10 reviews
January 21, 2020
Great read

I absolutely LOVED this book. Out of all the characters, I'd have to say my favorite was Boo Boo. I recommend this book to anyone needing a bit of captivating levity in their lives.
74 reviews
March 9, 2020
I like Lee Goldberg, but this book was a hot mess. Too many characters--too many really weird characters. It was supposed to be a funny thriller, but I just found it messy and kind of way out there.
Profile Image for John.
189 reviews2 followers
May 3, 2011
A good book. Well written and it held my attention throughout. I am looking for to more by this author.
Profile Image for Dotty.
58 reviews9 followers
July 8, 2015
Hard boiled mystery with lots of laughs mixed in.
Profile Image for Terri Palermo.
1,193 reviews32 followers
November 30, 2019
I absolutely love Lee Goldberg's writing style: I got hooked from his Mr. Monk series. It's great to have another series to start and explore other things he's done.
9 reviews1 follower
November 18, 2021
Lee Goldberg takes “over the top” to a whole new level.
2,952 reviews
August 23, 2022
This book was so bad that I stopped reading it somewhere around the second or third chapter. I rate it 1 star.
Profile Image for Melinda Loomis.
54 reviews2 followers
October 3, 2021
I've seen Lee Goldberg at a number of writers conferences and he's always hilarious. He has great stories about working in television, including one about an experience with a lead actor that was so stupid and frustrating that he was prompted (or perhaps driven) to write My Gun Has Bullets, a story of murder in a world of fictional networks and TV programs, and the ridiculous and morality-free people who reside therein. It was originally published in 1995 so it's a bit dated in a couple spots, but the story makes up for it in sheer fun.

Some examples of the shows on fictional networks UBC (United Broadcasting Company), MBC (Monumental Broadcasting Company) and DBC (Dynamic Broadcasting Company): Boo Boo's Dilemma (a wildly popular sitcom about a vaudeville comedian trapped in the body of a dog), Frankencop, Young Hudson Hawk, Blacke and Whyte (a PI show that is retitled Two Dicks in an attempt to boost ratings), Honeymooners: The Next Generation, Aunt Agatha (Miss Marple meets Jessica Fletcher), Broad Squad and the titular My Gun Has Bullets. It's worth it just for the Frankencop pitch, but really, the whole thing is a riot.
Profile Image for Cari.
136 reviews
January 7, 2020
Over the top crass & crude

Lee Goldberg has written some great stories, and this one had a few good laughs , but the level of crass & crude was too over the top for my tastes.

I still might have given 3 stars except for the plethora of ridiculous spelling errors...Lee, did your editor quit & so you let a high schooler run this through their phone's autocorrect? Dozens of words have been autocorrected into other words that clearly don't belong. Safely vs safety, for one. I expect that sloppiness from self-published first-time Kindle authors, but not someone with your skills and experience. Still, I look forward to reading other books of yours, just not this series. :)
225 reviews2 followers
May 6, 2024
In a galaxy far, far away

The best way to describe this book is to use the author’s own words: “Either it was the physical manifestation of a staggering intellectual epiphany, or he was having a nervous breakdown.” Probably though, he was just having fun at the expense of the television industry. Before TV, back when folks thrilled over their favorite comic strip hero, there were those so-called Tijuana Bibles, posing heroes like Flash Gordon having sex with the female lead. Here we have familiar TV stars romping naked while a pair of characters modeled after the Three Stooges, commit mayhem on the backlot. I think I’ll skip the sequel.
9 reviews
March 3, 2021
Ridiculously over the top and a fun read

I needed a good laugh with lots of humor and this offered it. COVID hibernation can do that to a person. I like how Lee Goldberg creates likable and unlikeable characters and plots that move you along quickly. This particular story makes me wish I could see behind the scenes in TV production. If only 5 % of this had some basis in reality in terms of what some of our beloved characters are like and how TV networks compete, it would be one scary place.
Profile Image for Hannah F.
409 reviews1 follower
April 4, 2021
eh it was weird but I didnt find it hysterical. I also.disnt laugh..more like speed read do I could get to the end .Zero need for detailed sex scenes . distracted from the plot.

also not suprised or shocked. The mob/ violence intimidation / threats ,sexual.abuse/ harrasment has always been involved in Hollywood .

maybe not as gory

maybe .

it could if been hysterical if it had been written as funny and not just a bunch of " how many gory ways to kill someone can I think of ".
Profile Image for Trevor.
1,444 reviews2 followers
March 14, 2021
Interesting book that jumps about to multiple stories and characters, revolving around a film studio and the ruthless TV scheduling ratings wars. Charlie Willis is the central character and finds himself slap bang in the middle of the insanity.
Profile Image for Lynn.
3,045 reviews84 followers
October 6, 2021
I was deeply disappointed in this series of stories by Goldberg....the language was absolutely horrible and disgusting, the story very morbid and I didn't find anything likeable in the characters, the plot or basically the whole story. Just horrible reading!
Profile Image for Allen Gregory.
Author 5 books5 followers
January 23, 2024
A Gut Punch To Broadcast TV...
A hilarious sendup to the ridiculous (yet somehow fascinating) industry of broadcast TV. Goldberg has fashioned a funny, entertaining book that somehow also manages to be a pretty good mystery.
19 reviews
April 8, 2024
Charlie Willis is awesome

This is a fun sometimes hilarious action packed story about an industry that all of us are familiar with, TV. Very quick read with non-stop action and some very funny moments.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews

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