Integrity: The Courage to Face the Demands of Reali

by Henry Cloud

Integrity—more than simple honesty, it's the key to success. A person with integrity has the ability to pull everything together, to make it all happen no matter how challenging the circumstances. Drawing on experiences from his work, Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist, leadership coach, corporate consultant and nationally syndicated radio host, shows how our character can keep us from achieving all we want to (or could) be.

In Integrity, Dr. Cloud explores the six qualities of character that define integrity, and how people with

Are able to connect with others and build trust Are oriented toward reality Finish well Embrace the negative Are oriented toward increase Have an understanding of the transcendent Integrity is not something that you either have or don't, but instead is an exciting growth path that all of us can engage in and enjoy.

Genres: Leadership, Business, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Personal Development, Personal Growth

309 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Cj · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with valuable lessons. This is definitely a keeper.

*spoilers below*

Some highlights of the book that I found to be valuable:

"Character = the ability to meet the demands of reality" (24).

This involves the ability to:
1. connect authentically;
2. be oriented toward truth;
3. get results;
4. embrace problems and failures and resolve them;
5. be oriented toward growth;
6. be transcendent.
(35)

In more depth, a person of character (is)...

1. Establishes trust
"True listening and understanding occurs when the other person understands that you understand" (60).
"To trust means to be careless" (77).
- This was a powerful one for me.
Build trust through vulnerability; allow yourself to be transparent enough to express need.

2. Oriented toward truth
"Reality is always your friend" (106).
"If we are afraid of the truth about ourselves and have a character "stance" to hide, then we are headed in the wrong direction, away from reality" (119).

3. Gets results
Know who you are: "People who do best in life have a well-defined identity on a number of fronts" 144).
- This involves discovering your strengths and performing well in them, but you have to be humble enough to also know when to "get out of the kitchen" in other areas.
Know when and how to "lose" well.

4. Embraces the negative
"Profit comes as a result of facing problems, so doing it is seen as a good thing, not a negative thing" (175).
- Be able to recover quickly.
"Outcomes are separate from the person, and the people who perform have a stable sense of self no matter what happens" (183).
Own up to mistakes: "Leaders take ownership of the results and do not try to excuse those or blame someone else... "Blame is the parking brake for improvement" (186-187).
- At the same time, confront others productively; Confront by making it "you and I versus the problem" (193).
"Honesty without love is not integrity" (192).

5. Oriented towards growth
- Develop the drive to grow via integration.
"What is put to use, grows" (210).
Take risks, but know that:
"Risk means that you do something that has the possibility of a bad outcome, and that you embrace that possibility and are OK with it" (217).
- Growth requires energy and a framework.
Some traits of people whose orientation is toward growth:
- Submits to someone further down the road
- Values the present but doesn't want to stay there
- Subjects themselves to their inability
- Rests and recovers
- Helps others develop more

6. Oriented towards transcendence
"To live and flourish, we must bow to the things larger than us" (240).
- Define your personal values.
"The immature character asks life to meet his demands. But the mature character meets the demands of life" (258).

[Neesha · Rating 2 out of 5]

12/6/10 Ugh, who knows if I'll finish this...it started it as a seemingly realistic self-help book and now seems more like self-righteous...

12/26/10 I stand by the above, and that's why I just can't give this book a higher rating. Truly, there were parts of it that made great sense and that I will remember when I am "working on my character." There, I hate using even the slightest bit of psychobabble, see? I have things I want to improve on in life but I don't need to read them written 65 different ways to get it. This book was horribly repetitive. In fact, the conclusion was the best part and summarized for me what is really important and what the obstacles are to developing integrity. I also was glad the author recognized both the unchangeable factor of genes (or personality as I was thinking of it) and the need to have a safe environment in which to become a better person. Smack in the middle of a medical residency, sleep-derived and perpetually irritable, was not the place for a natural hothead like me to "have the courage to meet the demands of reality." So he recognized that those things can stop you, which I liked...too bad it took him the whole book to get to it.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars
Nothing mind blowing but decently practical with some good tips about the merits of integrity and how to develop it. I particularly appreciated the tone. It doesn't promise more than it provides and only relies on a handful of overly-hackneyed stories (that I noticed.)
Rounding up because I'm still smarting from how much I loathed that Seth Godin book I just finished and it made this one shine all the more.

[Kamil · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing groundbreaking but coherently presented piece of the importance of integrity and how one can work towards self improvement. Not preachy, which is often the off-putting aspect of those kind of books, but addressed with polite understanding of humans faults.
Claud talks about his experience with working with high achievers and explains that even them have the disintegrated aspect of self. Nobody's perfect. The key thing is to have a good connection with reality and be aware of ones faults to work on them. That need of improvement, growth is the aspect that separates the successful ones from the other. Another important point that made me convinced I'm dealing with a smart and competent person (I'm talking about Claud) is the time he spends talking about the importance of balance between work and private life and rest/regeneration. Good book, I recommend it.

[Jennifer Valkenburg · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book really opened my eyes to see the growth minded individuals surrounding me as well as the ones with the victim mentality. It was a refreshing read.

[Eric · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Character - the ability to meet the demands of reality."

I read Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality by Henry Cloud. Book #50 of 182, 304 pages, finished 4/14/2017.

Integrity is your standard pop psychology/business book - introducing and re-defining a common term in a way that makes it accessible and helpful for business leaders.

The heart of this book is about redefinition and expansion - mostly around the words 'integrity' and 'character'. Particularly in the case of integrity, Cloud argues that the word has been watered down to just mean that a person doesn't lie, cheat, or steal.

Cloud's point is that integrity means that the disparate elements of a person's character are integrated, and that there aren't gaping holes that will shipwreck the person in their professional or personal life.

A person of true integrity, in his estimation, has the following 6 character traits, working in concert. As I go through each of these, I'm going to do a brief self-assessment of how I think I stack up at this moment:

1. Establishing Trust - Having the emotional intelligence to connect with the feelings behind the actual facts and figures of questions, fears, and concerns.

I have no idea idea where I rank here. I think I am incredibly capable of it, but often self-sabotage myself. I give myself a 2.5/5.

2. Oriented Toward Truth - This one gets me in trouble and at the same time makes me valuable at the same time. The idea here is - who is the person on your team that will bring up the elephant in the room and confront the boss / client / spouse with what's *really* going on.

I think this one (and one to come) define who I am and how I think. 4/5.

3. Getting Results - Beyond knowing the technical aspects of a line of work, some people are able to focus down and get results, and some people aren't. The core is knowing who you are, what you're good at, and what you aren't.

I've been growing in this deeply over the past few years - my personality trends toward "I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS!", but it's just not true. In the last 6 months, I've refined so many of the things I do, and delegated/automated/documented them away from me, for the better of everyone around me. 3.5/5.

4. Embracing the Negative - The only value any business has is it's ability to solve problems. That means directly confronting problems and finding a way through.

I'm an emotionally driven dude. This one is hard for me - setbacks are a blow to my mindset, hopefulness, and cool. I get through it, but it takes longer than I'd like. Interestingly, I think meditation is improving this in my life. 2/5.

5. Oriented Toward Increase - Some people are wired and driven to continually grow, learn, and improve. Some are sitting on a long-term plateau.

This is my FAVORITE. Of all of the changes in my life in the last 2 years, this one is something I can rally around and own. The habits, the diet changes, and the 182 books are all this trait. 5/5.

6. Oriented Toward Transcendence - Do I see myself a small part in a much bigger cause - be that religious or otherwise? Cloud is certainly a Christian, but his definition here is wide open to any cause that is larger than one person.

I struggle here. Not because I don't want to be oriented toward some form of life-long cause that goes far beyond myself, but it's more that I haven't found that cause yet. 2/5.

Finally - would I recommend this book? I dunno. Books in this vein overlap each other to a tremendous degree. I can only read so many pages of 'emotional intelligence is important for work' and 'you probably should have some defined values.'

If you aren't already inundated with this type of thought, this book would likely be a breath of fresh air for you.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has been added to my list of must reads!

I find the integrity of so many people and organizations being questioned today that I found this book one of the most valuable I have read in a long time. The subtitle is the key to what makes this book so important in the culture we live in today. "the courage to meet the demands of reality" is a real challenge for many today.

Think about the many ways we use the word integrity when we are talking not just about people but about organizations, buildings and even data, and you begin to see why reality is such an important part of our life.

Using four dimensions of establishing trust, being oriented toward truth, getting results and embracing the negative you are challenged to rethink the way you live and lead others. The discussion on how to build trust might just be the most important part for many today as he deals with moving from building connections to vulnerability.

The last section of the book about the importance of realizing that the key is to see ourselves as a small portion of something much bigger than ourselves will help you see how it all fits together not only for yourself but for the organizations you lead.

This will be on my must read list!

[Angela Ebert · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a while, but I finally finished!

My lack of perseverance is not due to the book or author’s shortcomings… the content is quality and the style of writing is engaging and highly practical. I am just a distracted reader.

The subtitle of the book is helpful in understanding the content: “The courage to meet the demands of reality.” The book covers character qualities, and ways to develop those qualities, that aid in meeting the demands of life “as it is” (not as we wish it was) in an integrated, healthy way. The areas Dr. Cloud lists as important to develop are:
1) creates and maintains trust
2) is able to see and face reality
3) works in a way that brings results
4) embraces negative realities and solves them
5) causes growth and increase
6) achieves transcendence and meaning in life

The perspective is from both psychology and coaching, with some spiritual principles as well. So, even though the audience is business men and women, there are plenty of personal applications.

I have had a lot to think about and am almost glad I took my time - I’ve been able to discuss or apply principles along the way that have been helpful for me in a ministry setting and in my relationships. His message is reality-based and hope-giving. Here are a few concluding thoughts at the end of the book:

“…here’s the reality: your life has many determinants, and you are responsible for dealing with them… You can alter your experience, and you can make new choices that build the kind of character that is going to enable you to meet the demands of reality… You can grow in integrity. In fact, I think that all of life is a journey to develop more integrated character, for everyone.”

[Mark Schleier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Couldn’t recommend this book enough... Before reading this, my understanding of integrity was quite limited. Integrity teaches us how character/integrity is multi-dimensional and much more than just sticking to moral values.

At a high level, integrity could be broken down into 2 types: 1. Personal & 2. Interpersonal. Personal would be examples of seeking truth in all things, seeking growth in areas of life, results orientation, and problem solving.

Interpersonal would be conveying truth (not lying or misleading or inflicting bias), building trust, giving feedback (which takes massive courage and tact) and navigation confrontations in a healthy way.

Love this!

[Demetrius Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been learning about differentiation and empathy lately, two seemingly contradictory approaches. I've known about the importance of empathy. But it's differentiation, that a therapist friend lately helped me see, that makes empathy possible. And I think Cloud does good work on fleshing this out. He is known for his work on boundaries - how to remain separate, in order to stay connected. But the goal is not only separate, but whole. And that's what integrity is all about. So, this book is moving the ball forward in my understanding of differentiation.

There's a lot of balancing you need to do as a leader. Separate and together. Truth and love. Strong and vulnerable. Cloud put it this way, "To build trust, you need to be strong enough to depend on, but vulnerable enough to identify with. Your vulnerability is what makes your power available to people." He encourages his reader to say what needs to be said. But say it in a way that shows you care about the person. "Go hard on issue and soft on the person." And only integrated people can do this well. They can talk to others because they let others talk to them. He encourages the reader to allow others permission to ask them this question: What is it like to be on the other end of me? Once you allow people to move into your life, then you have the capacity (integrity) to move into theirs.

Then for my favorite quote. He says, "Confrontation does not have to be adversarial. It merely means we are going to face this issue together instead of putting our heads in the sand and ignoring it. I like the phrase, 'to turn your face towards' as the meaning of confront. It does not mean a military destruction of the other side, but a coming together of two people facing some problem and finding a solution that brings it all together. It's not me versus you. It’s you and I versus the problem. We are a team against what is wrong and coming together to fix it."

None of this can happen well if there isn't a deep and abiding sense of integrity. Integrity is the hard work that makes everything else easy (or at least possible). And he gives his reader lots of tools for becoming a more integrated character. I'm becoming a big fan of the work of this author and would love to get through his entire corpus of material. So helpful for healthy living.

[Alexandra · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't help getting skeeved out by this book. It all sounds so moral and wonderful, but upon closer examination Dr. Cloud seems to have a different idea of "integrity" than this apparently aw-shucks Midwestern ingenue.

Dr. Cloud believes that people who have integrity have the courage to "make the tough calls" such as mass layoffs and firing folks even if it's going to hurt individuals. Because, really, it's the business that counts, not the people, right? And you've gotta do what's right for the business- doing otherwise means you have character flaws and need some more "integrity." It's all for the Greater Good. Invisible Hand. Creating Wealth. You Know.

Tough calls also apparently involve constantly growing, not leaving well enough alone, ditching relationships that only work 80% well to go for the "best," and other positive thinking that sounds nice on the surface but is actually pretty disgusting when applied in any kind of personal context, especially in a discussion about integrity!

But it's all just business, right? Americans demand integrity from their business leaders, and I guess this is it.

[Maria Stevens · Rating 1 out of 5]

Had to read for work. So repetitive. Also you don’t need to give every definition of a word, and you don’t need to define each word until your audience wants to die of boredom.

[Abhishek Sharma · Rating 2 out of 5]

Extremely boring book. A book that could have been completed into 50 pages or better would be a series of articles but been turned into a non sensical 300 plus pages book.

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my new favorite books. One of those books you feel every human should read in order to be a human. The only criticism is how succinct he is. He goes through concepts so stinking fast and so clearly that you hardly have time to ingest them, let alone figure out how to use and apply them. Just great stuff. I should probably just start it over again, right away, but I have other books waiting.

[Samantha Weidenbenner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great overview of the skills to work on to succeed. Doesn't really include how to improve. Inspired me to see a therapist on specific items.

[Keno Castro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good. But. Bo. Ring.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the end, it is a reward in and of itself

[Simona]

Is a must read

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've heard of Henry Cloud for probably two decades, but this is the first time I've read one of his books. I can't say anything about the others, but this was superb! It's a book that covers exactly what it claims on the cover (a detailed look at integrity), but also expands into the qualities that seems to differentiate truly successful people from the seemingly talented ones who don't seem to make any traction. In my opinion, it's the best type of self-help book. It's neither the utopian BS that the universe wants you to succeed, and it's not a doom-and-gloom book. It's a book that doesn't sugarcoat the tough realities, but gives vivid examples of how to be the best we can and improve our odds of success, whether that's in business or relationships. I was challenged and inspired at various points!

[Brandi D'Angelo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book would make a great gift to a college graduate or anyone in a management/leadership position at work or even a mom or dad. It teaches how to be successful thru the tool of integrity. The author keeps your attention by including many interesting, real-life stories, such as when Tylenol pulled all of their bottles from the shelves in 1982 so that no one else would risk death after a few bottles were found to contain cyanide. It's a little bit of a long read, but well worth it.

[Nderitu Pius · Rating 4 out of 5]

While integrity is always only involved with honesty I have learned that integrity involves more than that. I am grateful to understand that integrity is so deep I need to learn more about it again. Let me keep this book close. I'll need to reread it again.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took copious notes on this book, journaled for weeks about what came up for me. Here are some excerpts I loved from this book:

Grace is unmerited favor. Grace is when we extend favor to someone, not because they have earned it in some way but because we just possess it to give. It is a stance in life, a way of being. Leave behind a trail of people who have experienced your being “for them” even when you are getting nothing in return. p84

Integrity, the kind that meets the demands of reality, is character that can handle another person’s not being all someone needs that person to be. By moving as a positive force that is “for” the other person’ getting better, as opposed to moving against him or disengaging because he isn’t, the person leverages him to a higher level. As a result, these people do not get dragged down by other people’s failures but are a force of redemption in any situation, bringing it to a higher level. p86

People with integrated character are able to look at issues and problems regarding things other than themselves, or regarding themselves, or regarding others, in a way that the “sting” is taken out of them. They neutralize negative truth with kindness, for example. Or they are just not harsh in the delivery of it. It is about the reality, not the person. They deal with the way things are and are able to see things in a way that is not personalized about them or anyone else. When they see an issue, they deal with it without hating the person or themselves, or coming on with so much negative emotion that no resolution can be found. p126

Integrated character does not avoid negatives, it actively seeks them out to resolve them. Integrated character doesn’t see negatives as something painful but an opportunity to make things better. p180

[Afua · Rating 4 out of 5]

Let me begin with what I didn't enjoy about this book: the overly simplistic and sometimes condescending writing style. It is my belief that if an author feels you need to explain a metaphor, idiom, or word, after using it, he should not use it at all; the reader is intelligent enough to look up the phrase should she for some reason not know what it means. Also, this is a book about business. Not about romantic relationships or Christianity. I enjoy both romantic relations and Christianity, but the examples seemed to have been thrown in to meet a minimum page count. If these illustrations had been flushed out further, and related to one another, I would have found them a lot less annoying.

That said, this book had some great concepts I have already begun applying in my professional life. In fact, I have a couple pages worth of quotes from the book, just to remind myself how I can apply the lessons presented in the book on a regular basis. Integrity, as defined by Cloud, encompasses much more than being a nice person and not lying: it's the way you affect people after you left, it's how willing you are to continually improve yourself by whatever means necessary, it's how you confront people who are helping and hurting your organization.

In conclusion, despite the somewhat annoying writing style, this book is worth a read. If you don't feel like you can fit it into your schedule, I'll leave you with a quote from the book: "Therefore, [high performers] do not wait until they have the time. They make the time, first."

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is definitely not your typical book on integrity - or at least what you think the meaning of the word integrity means. I was expecting another book espousing the usual self-help advice on how to be a more honest, moral, and upright person especially when no-one else is watching...you know, that how you act in public should be the same way you act in private. I'm sure we've all heard this before and strive to be men and women of integrity - based on this definition.
But Cloud raises the stakes and puts an entirely different twist on the meaning of integrity and explains how a person's integrity and character are intertwined, with his ultimate definition of integrity being, "having the character to meet the demands of reality."
So, using a methodical approach to explain WHY integrity and character matters and is the essence behind successful people in both business and life in general, he uses many stories from his experiences as a psychologist and executive coach to help explain and draw the reader into the narrative.
At first I was going to give this book a review of 4 stars due to what I felt was some "droning on" at times. But I then thought about it and realized that it's been a long time since a book like this has so completely altered my thinking about a topic or issue and changed my perspective so thoroughly. Because of this, 5 stars is a useful rating...prepare to be challenged and to think about your own character and integrity, and if you are truly meeting the demands of your own reality and life story.

[Douglas W · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bottom Line Up Front (BLUF): The book reads as if Cloud is just bursting to tell someone - anyone - about all of the high-level executives he knows and it therefore has an air of, "Aren't you [the reader] so glad that you have someone like me who will tell you stories about the heady heights of business, leadership, and executive success/failure?"

That may read as very harsh, but the problem with reading a book from that perspective is that it clouds (no pun intended) the truths which might be possibly conveyed. Examples are helpful, but obscuring the point by injecting oneself into the examples unnecessarily is both extraneous and unhelpful. Honestly, this book could have been a great essay ... but it is too long even at a relatively-short 98 pages due to the constant pervasion of the author.

I will caveat the previous paragraph with this one point: the catalyst for Cloud writing the book was a friend asking him to teach her boys about integrity. This might explain and partly excuse the ubiquity of the author. However, it would have been better if he had told the story of what gave rise to the book and then just moved on to his thoughts.

[Alyse · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly this book just wasn’t that great. The ideas were interesting, but they’re all concepts I’ve found better explained in other books. Additionally, the use of comparing business issues or lack of motivation to mental illness (such as how the effects of anorexia on the body is similar to stunted growth if you’re ‘anorexic’ in approaching knowledge, or how alcoholics/addicts sometimes need the motivation of letting down their families, or have their families push them in their own absence of motivation is like surrounding yourself with people who will help you row in business) was really weird and unnecessary. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and frankly it made me not want to finish the book.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This books includes information about character, character in business. Basically business relationships are no different that any other relationship. The ability to stand outside of oneself and see strengths and weaknesses is essential to growth and a healthy being whether as an individual or as a business. Most of us, contain a tragic flaw that can bring us down in life. Leaders often live out a flaw which can bring down their whole life as well as their business.

[Jim Campbell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was well worth the read even though there was nothing earth-shattering about it. It is very common-sense oriented and if you pay attention during the reading, the author will convince you to take a hard look at yourself and how you operate. I thought that one of his key points for all people, not just leaders, is to look at your 'wake'. What do you leave behind when you pass through.

[Mark Manderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great premise and has some wonderful tools and questions throughout.
Top takeaways:
LONGEVITY COMES FROM CONFRONTING THE BRUTAL FACTS! 
Separate IDENTITY from results.
Don't let your need to feel good about yourself overshadow your drive to grow! 
Immaturity is asking life to meet your demands where Maturity is meeting the demands of life! 

[Alex Kenjeev · Rating 1 out of 5]

Blah. I read this book because it came highly recommended to me. I'm not sure how valuable it was except as a basic review of general ethics principles. Which you shouldn't really need a book for! I'll have to follow up with the person who recommended it to see what I'm missing.