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Working With You is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work
Two well-respected management experts deliver an authoritative manual that provides valuable insights for turning conflicts in the workplace into productive working relationships.The toughest part of any job is dealing with the people around you. Scratch the surface of any company and uncover a hotbed of emotions—people feeling anxious about performance, angry at co-workers, and misunderstood by management. Now, in WORKING WITH YOU IS KILLING ME, readers learn how to “unhook” from these emotional pitfalls and gain valuable strategies for confronting workplace conflicts in a healthy, productive way. They’ll discover how Manage an ill-tempered boss before he or she explodesDefend themselves against idea-pilfering rivals before they steal all the creditDetach from those annoying co-workers whose irritating habits ruin the dayAnd much, much more.
256 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2006
120 people are currently reading
935 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 112 reviews
August 28, 2007
I have whole chapters memorized to get me through the day without hurting anyone
June 12, 2017
This was a quick read and easy skim. The point here is that you get "hooked" someone gets under you skin and gets to react emotionally. You have unhook.
They provide a four step strategy to unhook. With lots of applications.
There is also a chapter on managing up and another on managing down. Both were helpful. Of course everything seems easier said then done.
Unhooking is hard.
They provide a four step strategy to unhook. With lots of applications.
There is also a chapter on managing up and another on managing down. Both were helpful. Of course everything seems easier said then done.
Unhooking is hard.
June 19, 2011
The general 4-step method this book provides for dealing with co-workers is pretty solid; and I liked that it made clear that you can't change other people, only the way you respond to their weirdosities.
But the range of situations presented was limited, and didn't include many of the common things my friends and I have faced in the workplace. After explaining the general method, it gets repeated for various setups without much additional detail. I skim-read the end of the book because I felt like I'd already read it in the first half.
However, if your specific situation is listed in the table of contents, I'd recommend at least giving this a quick read for the tips it provides.
But the range of situations presented was limited, and didn't include many of the common things my friends and I have faced in the workplace. After explaining the general method, it gets repeated for various setups without much additional detail. I skim-read the end of the book because I felt like I'd already read it in the first half.
However, if your specific situation is listed in the table of contents, I'd recommend at least giving this a quick read for the tips it provides.
June 8, 2007
The advice is simple enough, but I can't stress how helpful it was to read it. The title alone brings welcomed humor to the bad situation you may be experiencing...
dnf
February 22, 2010Eh, there are no simple fixes for work stress. Here's my summary of the 2 chapters I read, which were kind-of helpful...
Issue: Crazy happens
Step 1. Unhook physically (take a walk or practice deep breathing)
Step 2. Unhook mentally (don't take it personally, think about it from a 3rd person perspective)
Step 3. Unhook verbally (tell them, "damn you crazy")
Step 4. Unhook using a business tool (follow up with an email that says, "damn you crazy" or put that on their performance review or in a job description)
Issue: Crazy happens
Step 1. Unhook physically (take a walk or practice deep breathing)
Step 2. Unhook mentally (don't take it personally, think about it from a 3rd person perspective)
Step 3. Unhook verbally (tell them, "damn you crazy")
Step 4. Unhook using a business tool (follow up with an email that says, "damn you crazy" or put that on their performance review or in a job description)
August 31, 2012
While this book was interesting, and one I very much felt I needed to read, I didn't feel it would solve all my earthly problems at work. The primary message of the book was, "You can't control another person, but you can control your reaction to that person." Perhaps my wounds are too actively raw for me to appreciate this sort of advice right now. Maybe I need to go rent the movie Dirty Work instead.
November 28, 2008
I love where I work and enjoy my co-workers, but this book provides practical solutions for those problems that continually come up in the workplace. I also was pleased to learn that I have been practicing the art of “managing up” for a few years.
This is a quick read - about 250 pages, and easy to read to. It’s another one that will go on my management shelf.
This is a quick read - about 250 pages, and easy to read to. It’s another one that will go on my management shelf.
August 3, 2007
I learned a few new coping techniques for working with some of the types of people described in the book. It provides practical tips for interacting with difficult people at work (and in your life in general) and seeing how you yourself may be one of these difficult people.
August 8, 2025
This was a nice short audio book about dealing with some problems at work with difficult coworkers and bosses. I heard about it in some class I took at work on the subject. I don't know if I would have been better reading this than listening to it. The audio book says at the end "look at the CD that came with this" which is kind of funny.
February 18, 2016
Title aside, the book's more about what YOU can do to make things better, rather than a magic wand to wave at the difficult people you work with. Not all situations may be applicable to you, but all situations come with scenarios and step-by-step enforceable solutions.
It's definitely a worth-while read if you want some coaching on improving your "sticky situation" handling skills. In an ideal world, you work for a boss who's get excellent managing skills and genuinely cares for your professional development. In the real world, you may be working for some who was promoted based solely on their technical skills or is too busy or indifferent to care about their subordinates development and happiness ... or worse. Morale of the story: Change what you can change (you) to find improved happiness and decreased stress.
It's definitely a worth-while read if you want some coaching on improving your "sticky situation" handling skills. In an ideal world, you work for a boss who's get excellent managing skills and genuinely cares for your professional development. In the real world, you may be working for some who was promoted based solely on their technical skills or is too busy or indifferent to care about their subordinates development and happiness ... or worse. Morale of the story: Change what you can change (you) to find improved happiness and decreased stress.
June 5, 2015
This is a very practical look at the workplace and how to manage oneself in it. The book provides some very workable strategies for surviving in any work setting. The authors took me through nearly every scenario that I have experienced in my work life. I feel somewhat empowered in that the strategies they offer are the same ones I have developed over my working career. They do offer methods that I have not tried in the past but I will make those methods a part of my working repertoire. I believe that anyone who works anywhere could benefit from this book and I high suggest it to workers throughout the world.
March 25, 2015
work relationships are not easy - even for those of us who have a great team of coworkers.
i found some really good, practical advice in this book.
i recommend it if you're having trouble with people you work with!
i found some really good, practical advice in this book.
i recommend it if you're having trouble with people you work with!
May 6, 2018
Extremely useful. I’m already ‘unhooking,’
December 22, 2019
A basic read on toxic work environment with a few suggested tips on how to deal with your crazy coworkers. It succeeds at naming the most common types of problematic personalities as you'll instantly recognize at least one or two in your place of work.
The final part of the book revolving around bosses even caught me a bit off guard as it basically suggests that you set up an emotional barrier when you finally come to terms that your psycho boss won't change, and just start searching for a new job. Like "%@$# this $%#!, I'm outta here."
All in all nothing revolutionary or mind blowing but it's a nice starting point if you're dealing with some hard situations.
3/5
The final part of the book revolving around bosses even caught me a bit off guard as it basically suggests that you set up an emotional barrier when you finally come to terms that your psycho boss won't change, and just start searching for a new job. Like "%@$# this $%#!, I'm outta here."
All in all nothing revolutionary or mind blowing but it's a nice starting point if you're dealing with some hard situations.
3/5
May 7, 2019
This should be required reading before joining the workforce.
October 1, 2023
Useful advice for workplace sanity! 'Working with You is Killing Me' provides practical tips to regain control in challenging work environments. Worth a read, but some strategies may be situational
September 19, 2018
Definitely gave me some things to think about. I will be practicing their approach to see if it helps. The title really pulls you in, but the subtitle is even more important. The book is about recognizing when you are putting yourself in an emotional trap. It doesn’t necessarily tell you how to handle an “in the moment” “have to take care of it right now” situation, but it does give other suggestions.
September 18, 2018
Meh, ok. Got a couple of insightful tips and ideas from this book, but found it too formulaic and "one solution" oriented, which was then applied to all concerns which, to me, isn't even remotely realistic.
September 14, 2018
Quickly skimmed this one, but I think it will be a good reference to come back to when problems arise at work
February 17, 2016
Subtitled “Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work,” this extremely practical book is designed to provide guidance for work relationships, whether you are a boss, a line worker, a supervisor, or any combination of the above. I was particularly impressed with the step-by-step guidance provided through numerous scenarios that are presented for each point. Each chapter closes with a short review of the key topics covered. The three “unhooking” steps are demonstrated with business situations - 1) unhook physically, doing something to work off your stress like walking, running, etc., 2) unhook mentally, identifying what is really happening, 3) unhook verbally, rehearsing what you are going to do and say, and 4) unhook with a business tool, like a memo, email, scheduled reviews, etc. One chapter deals with the roles you may play at work (and can restrict your effectiveness), including Caregiver, Rebel, Martyr, Entertainer and Peacemaker.
The book provides diagnostic tools to determine what your boundaries and problem relationships are, as well as identifying “fatal attractions” at work – work relationships that can turn your career into a shipwreck. They include the Exploder, the Empty Pit, the Saboteur, the Pedestal Smasher and the Chip on the Shoulder. Throughout the book the authors continue to paint real-life work scenarios to aid in understanding and applying each principle presented. chapters are included for both managing up (difficult and extreme bosses are categorized along with specific advice on how to handle them with the 4 D’s – Detect, Detach, Depersonalize and Deal) as well as managing down, what the authors refer to as “Business Parenting.” The final chapter of the book assists the readers in understanding their ideal “work culture” through a structured series of questions, as well as comparing this ideal directly to the culture of a present or potential employer. A very practical book, considering all working relationships, whether they are with coworkers, subordinates or bosses.
The book provides diagnostic tools to determine what your boundaries and problem relationships are, as well as identifying “fatal attractions” at work – work relationships that can turn your career into a shipwreck. They include the Exploder, the Empty Pit, the Saboteur, the Pedestal Smasher and the Chip on the Shoulder. Throughout the book the authors continue to paint real-life work scenarios to aid in understanding and applying each principle presented. chapters are included for both managing up (difficult and extreme bosses are categorized along with specific advice on how to handle them with the 4 D’s – Detect, Detach, Depersonalize and Deal) as well as managing down, what the authors refer to as “Business Parenting.” The final chapter of the book assists the readers in understanding their ideal “work culture” through a structured series of questions, as well as comparing this ideal directly to the culture of a present or potential employer. A very practical book, considering all working relationships, whether they are with coworkers, subordinates or bosses.
December 21, 2015
I've previously worked at jobs where either my boss or co-workers were "difficult." They were difficult either consistently, or at least for periods of time. Though I've always tried to do my best and handle things like that with as much grace as possible, I felt it'd also be helpful to read something about proven ways to emotionally deal with, and proactively address, issues that come up at work (especially when they are because of other people's difficult personalities or lack of experience managing other people well). This was a really helpful book, and though I sometimes felt that situations I've seen in real life are much more complex or subtle than the case studies given, I feel like WORKING WITH YOU IS KILLING ME really hit the nail on the head. I was happy to see an entire chapter devoted to "Managing Up," which I feel is something I could benefit from. There's also a "Managing Down" section, about what managers should expect to have to do (such as repeat themselves or act like business parents), and that that just comes with the territory, and doesn't mean there's anything wrong with their underlings. The "unhooking" steps are definitely helpful as well--especially the "physically unhooking" step, which encourages readers to go for a run or a massage or do some deep breathing, etc., to calm down a bit when faced with difficult situations. Anyway, I definitely recommend this book to all!
July 2, 2015
Working With You Is Killing me has interactive sections allowing you to pinpoint the issues that may be causing you to lose your sanity at work. Each chapter gives multiple scenarios of real workplace occurrences and how these situations can be handled. The authors take time to acknowledge that every individual is not capable of handling situations the same way. They have cleverly provided adaptation techniques that may be applicable for various personality types.
I found that Chapter 3, If the Role Fits, You Don’t Have to Wear It, was very beneficial for me. I was able to discover that I may be viewed as “The Rebel” in the workplace. According to this book, rebels are nonconformists, naturally independent thinkers, and they question all the rules, regulations, and systems.
The authors’ advice for a so called rebel like me: 1) Think before you speak, 2) When sending a written document, find a person to serve as an editor, 3) Before expressing a contrary point of view, ask others if they want to hear it, 4) When authorities make decisions you dislike, take twenty-four hours to think before you speak, and 5) When you think you’ve offended someone, say you’re sorry.
Words of wisdom indeed!
I found that Chapter 3, If the Role Fits, You Don’t Have to Wear It, was very beneficial for me. I was able to discover that I may be viewed as “The Rebel” in the workplace. According to this book, rebels are nonconformists, naturally independent thinkers, and they question all the rules, regulations, and systems.
The authors’ advice for a so called rebel like me: 1) Think before you speak, 2) When sending a written document, find a person to serve as an editor, 3) Before expressing a contrary point of view, ask others if they want to hear it, 4) When authorities make decisions you dislike, take twenty-four hours to think before you speak, and 5) When you think you’ve offended someone, say you’re sorry.
Words of wisdom indeed!
November 27, 2012
I found this book because the authors have come out with a new book and the review I read referred to this work. Give that life at my job has been interesting, I could not pass this up. This is, for me, the right book at the right time.
Like many books about work, there are stories about various work situations and clever ways to deal with those times that you have to work with people you are not getting along with. There is nothing particularly new here, but I liked the terms used and the list of management tools that are suggested. I am not sure I can always use these ideas, but there are definitely ideas that fit my situation. I wish it was easier to teach this old dog new tricks.
I have to say that this is where the rating system breaks down for me. Under other circumstance, I would not have even looked at this book. However, right now, this was the perfect book for me.
I recommend this book to new managers who need to figure out how to work within their new parameters and to those who are frustrated at work and looking for a new twist on coping mechanisms.
Like many books about work, there are stories about various work situations and clever ways to deal with those times that you have to work with people you are not getting along with. There is nothing particularly new here, but I liked the terms used and the list of management tools that are suggested. I am not sure I can always use these ideas, but there are definitely ideas that fit my situation. I wish it was easier to teach this old dog new tricks.
I have to say that this is where the rating system breaks down for me. Under other circumstance, I would not have even looked at this book. However, right now, this was the perfect book for me.
I recommend this book to new managers who need to figure out how to work within their new parameters and to those who are frustrated at work and looking for a new twist on coping mechanisms.
December 9, 2012
takes a slightly humorous approach to having to work with a cast of 'boundary busting' characters. You get great advice on dealing with toxic relationships at work ranging from annoying co-workers, fatal attraction subordinates, and ill-tempered bosses. I love the authors' idea of detaching and depersonalizing from the employee, co-worker, and/or boss. Culture is such a part of business now and managing your own role in the organization becomes essential when you can't control the behavior's of others. I would definitely recommend this book.October 23, 2012
just as joseph campbell, using jung's concept of the collective unconscious, broke down the archetypes and tropes found throughout the world's creation myths and stories, this book breaks down the various archetypal personalities of both office bosses and employees alike. i had quite a few a-ha moments as i recognized myself in some of the character-types as well as co-workers and bosses, past and present. but in addition to breaking down the typical cast of characters, this book posits a four-step process for helping to cope and overcome general types of workplace difficulties.
the anecdotes and assessments are a real boon to me. a must-read for all employers and employees.
the anecdotes and assessments are a real boon to me. a must-read for all employers and employees.
February 21, 2009
I like to pick up books of this type every so often -- I not only learn about the people around me, but I also learn a lot about myself as a manager.
I recently attended a workshop called "Managing Emotions Under Pressure". This book could go hand-in-hand with what I learned in that workshop. Everyone around us (from co-workers to vendors to clients to family) has the ability to push our emotional buttons -- it's not necessarily the people you work for. It is my (your) job to figure out how to "disconnect" from these emotional "traps".
I recently attended a workshop called "Managing Emotions Under Pressure". This book could go hand-in-hand with what I learned in that workshop. Everyone around us (from co-workers to vendors to clients to family) has the ability to push our emotional buttons -- it's not necessarily the people you work for. It is my (your) job to figure out how to "disconnect" from these emotional "traps".
April 15, 2012
Summary:
Step 1. Unhook physically (walk/run/etc)
Step 2. Unhook mentally (what's happening? what are the facts? what's the other party's part? what's your part? what are my options?)
Step 3. Unhook verbally (no judgement/accusation/anger)
Step 4. Unhook using a business tool (email, written doc)
I also liked the point that "should" is a problem. - "I shouldn't have have to repeat" - makes worse because that's not playing you part.
The rest of the book was examples of applying these steps to assorted situations. Which started to feel repetitive by the end.
Step 1. Unhook physically (walk/run/etc)
Step 2. Unhook mentally (what's happening? what are the facts? what's the other party's part? what's your part? what are my options?)
Step 3. Unhook verbally (no judgement/accusation/anger)
Step 4. Unhook using a business tool (email, written doc)
I also liked the point that "should" is a problem. - "I shouldn't have have to repeat" - makes worse because that's not playing you part.
The rest of the book was examples of applying these steps to assorted situations. Which started to feel repetitive by the end.
September 20, 2008
Was talking to the Borders customer service manager, and she recommended this one as well.
Not bad... a few Ah-HAH moments where you read something that completely describes either yourself or a painintheneck at work. There's some practical tips that tends to start with some form of physical activity like working out or taking long walks.
Just... Why can't it say something more constructive like, "Take a deep breath. Head out the door and go shopping"?
Not bad... a few Ah-HAH moments where you read something that completely describes either yourself or a painintheneck at work. There's some practical tips that tends to start with some form of physical activity like working out or taking long walks.
Just... Why can't it say something more constructive like, "Take a deep breath. Head out the door and go shopping"?
November 10, 2011
This title intruiged me, so I had to read it. There are always difficult personalities in every office and I was hoping that by reading this, I'd have a few more strategies up my sleeve to not allow these sour folks to spoil my day at the office.
I found this book to be interesting and it did offer some good ideas. I liked the grid at the end where you can compare what you are looking for in a corporate culture to what you are actually experiencing at work.
I found this book to be interesting and it did offer some good ideas. I liked the grid at the end where you can compare what you are looking for in a corporate culture to what you are actually experiencing at work.
October 25, 2012
Lest any of my co-workers see this review, rest assured, this book was read as a management text for how to help staff resolve conflicts in the workplace.
As another reviewer mentioned, the book is far too repetitive in the writing. It does give some solid tips and the scenarios presented provide one with good scripts to coach those more passive staff through dealing with issues at work.
The end section on management as parenting was spot on.
As another reviewer mentioned, the book is far too repetitive in the writing. It does give some solid tips and the scenarios presented provide one with good scripts to coach those more passive staff through dealing with issues at work.
The end section on management as parenting was spot on.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 112 reviews