Fuck. This. Book.
Listen: I know fuckall about literature compared to virtually anyone reading this—I just read a lot. There is one thing in this world that I do know very well: music—how to play it and as it has been recorded by others. My entire life has been dominated by music, hoarding records and amassing a small flotilla of instruments, to such a degree that I make no bones about it being my one true love (non-human variety). This bio is necessary to establish my POV on Beatty’s work here and, well, it ain’t pretty.
Paul Beatty writes about music exactly like someone that doesn’t play. Problem is, his protagonist is an audio-omnivore DJ that can, fuck me, identify the key that a book being thumbed through is in. I’m gonna opt not to commit the many sins he does in this wreck of a novel and forego name dropping bullshit. But as I worked for years at both rehearsal and recording studios when younger, suffice it to say I’ve been around thousands of players, people insanely successful and others that just play for its own sake. I dropped out of high school at 15, equal parts the impossibility of playing in Hollywood and environs a few times during the week and the drinky-poo involved with it. By the nature of the work and my being in bands, I shot the shit with everyone (not everyone worth knowing, by any means; indicating all stripes and strata). Guess what no one—in the history of fucking creation—ever talked like? Beatty. No one has ever said to or around me that the ‘rondo in D should have the tonic chord above it, with x playing a flattened fifth below.’ You know why? Because it’s fucking bullshit! It doesn’t MEAN anything other than Beatty having a passing memory of a glossary of musical terms. I’m assuming this jazz is modal, and Locrian, so the flatted fifth is Ab. Here’s how any player in the real world says the same thing: ‘Play the refrain/riff/main bit in D; [looking at person] play an Ab.’ Done. If anyone spoke like Beatty, no music would ever be made because people would constantly beating the living shit out of each other. That is, if anyone could stop laughing at the person trying to sound like the collected works of Hal Leonard. He actually writes this:
“I tried to wrap my mind around the drumming, but Irrawaddy went into this flimflam paradiddle sextuple ratatap, and the tenuous grip I had on sanity and the tune were broken. Thirty more seconds of her impeccable drum work caused my ego to slide off an inverted ratamacue in the obstinato voice as if it were a wet, slippery, moss-covered river rock in an Appalachian class-five rapid. Barely”
Obstinato!
This must be his take on ‘ostinato.’ ‘Obstinato’ is not a term in music—formal or informal. In fact, it’s not even a real word. It’s what people that overhear shit say to sound ‘musical.’ You know what sounds musical? Music!
Or: “flimflam paradiddle sextuple ratatap.” Does. Not. Mean. Shit. It’s just a collection of terms generally associated with drumming, save sextuple. Flimflam? Does that mean brushes? Ratatap? More bullshit, though I’d be interested to have Beatty explain how that onomatopoeia translates in practical terms. Shit, I wanna meet the person that can play paradiddles in sextuplets! That’s some goddamn mastery of rudiments.
I could tear this thing in pieces all day and night. His fucking ENDLESS references to musicians is insufferable and pretentious. It’s a dick contest for a dude that shows how little of an obscurant he really is. Wanna know a tell? He refers to Rodriguez as ‘Sixto Rodriguez.’ I know every stripe of record junkie and have been around them since boyhood. No one, and I mean NO ONE, ever called Rodriguez ‘Sixto Rodriguez.’ Primarily because that wasn’t the fucking name on the goddamn albums—just Rodriguez! His first-person DJ Cliche (sorry, ‘DJ Darky’) then spins “Sugarman,” Rodriguez’s closest thing to a known ‘hit’ for culture tourists like Beatty, at the request of a newly-free range East German beauty queen. In 1990! Sure. I call bullshit. Why? Well, MAYBE because his character rhapsodizes about the cover of the album he puts on in order to fulfill her request…and it’s the WRONG FUCKING ALBUM. “Sugarman” isn’t on the record he’s feeding as yarn for the reader to swallow, it was on his debut, Cold Fact. Hey, easy enough to get confused considering Rodriguez released a total of TWO (2) whole albums in his fucking career. So, huge discography to remember there. Or: because I was in that milieu by then. I actually have had to be around motherfuckers who are really like Beatty’s self-cypher. I once had to suffer ocean-front beers at an outdoor bar with one of the founders and stakeholders of the most impactful club to hit LA this century, the exact dyed-in-the-wool hip hop kid Beatty is trying to emulate, and listen to this asshole rhapsodize about ‘Bill Buford’s’ drumming. Rather than jamming shards of broken glass into my mouth, I finally snapped. “Bruford! Bruford! His name is fucking Bill Bruford!!! He’s English, not a fucking deputy in Arkansas, you smug bastard” (time and memory may have added the last three words). Funniest fucking thing is, even HE didn’t call him Sixto Rodriguez, and he dug Rodriguez more than anyone I’ve ever known.
Sigh. I just can’t. I gotta stop. Just…there’s so much wrong here that it’s raising my blood pressure to keep this up. I’ll part with this: Beatty’s DJ brings up Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury as a rhythmic inspiration. In response, I’d argue that every sound is infuriating in this boho bullshit book that pretends to be something it’s not—genuine.
Wait: Hip hop kid criticizes Ken Burns’ Jazz for failing to mention Sun Ra. Besides the obviousness of the ‘obscure’ (to who?) reference (what about John Gilmore, you hack?), how does Beatty justify defending East Coast rap in LA but fail to mention a SINGLE artist from the Native Tongues collective? In 89/90. No Tribe/De La/Jungle Bros/etc, &c. 3rd Bass and BDP, that’s all he reps. Get the fuck out of here. And take ‘Sixto’ with you, you con artist. There’s no mention of EPMD, Gang Starr/DJ Premier, Eric B and Rakim, DJ Quik, or any thousand other pioneering architects, but he makes room to shit talk Eazy-E? How does a guy from LA talk shit about the dude that got EVERYBODY off in LA in the late 80s? Eric Wright got BILLBOARDS in memoriam here when he died. Big fuckers, all over LA. Asshole.
I have to go take a clonidine. Maybe I’ll even chill out with some ‘Björk Guðmundsdóttir;’ you know, what everyone calls her.
EDIT: Motherfucker fictionalizes Blixa from Einstürzende Neubauten as such a cliched, industrial-cum-goth black-clad pasty Teuton that it’s a goddamn crime. Like my beloved, dead grandma used to say to myself and all her niños: what the fuck did Blixa do to deserve this?!?