Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids

by Ada Calhoun

Babble.com’s readership has tripled in the past year and is still growing rapidly, indicating that today’s busy parents—especially those from Gen X and Gen Y—are hungry for advice. According to editor-in-chief Ada Calhoun, many parents are unnecessarily anxious, worrying and trying to follow advice from their own parents, other parents on the playground, or board-certified experts. She believes, “if we encourage our kids to be kind and generous and we trust our own instincts about all the other stuff, we may just be able to rear a generation of capable people—and stay relatively happy ourselves.” Sound easy? It is, and in Instinctive Parenting, Calhoun makes smart sense of all the available choices and opinions for how to raise one’s child “right.”

As a mother herself, Ada knows firsthand about all the pressing issues, fears, and anxiety parenting brings. And she’s discovered that food, shelter, and love are all kids need to thrive—a welcome antidote to many modern childrearing philosophies that are currently popular. So forget the organic-cotton t-shirts, ergonomic wooden toys from Sweden, and locally grown chickpeas for snacks, and instead do the very basic things that matter most. Thoughtful, hip, and relatable, Calhoun’s parenting advice is a refreshingly simple approach for every parent wanting to raise a decent human being.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Adult

288 pages, Hardcover

First published February 22, 2010

About the author

Ada Calhoun is the author of the novel Crush. Her memoir Also a Poet was named one of the best books of 2022 by the New York Times, NPR, and The Washington Post. Prior books include New York Times–bestseller Why We Can't Sleep, Wedding Toasts I'll Never Give, and St. Marks Is Dead.

Reviews

[Aubrey Denton · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was truly disappointed in this book - maybe my hopes were too high? It started out with the lovely premise that parenting is unique, that we shouldn't judge one another's parenting choices as long as kids are being given the basics of food, shelter, and love in whatever ways parents find works for them, and in an effort to raise decent human beings. She then proceeds to hypocritically tear down this premise by either defending or mocking a variety of parenting choices. On page 154-155, she is [rightly] upset by those who use "dripping disdain" for parents who let a child cry-it-out; but then a little farther on spends half a chapter mocking those who don't believe in gifts and goodie bags at birthdays by stereotyping - "It is this same warped logic" that ends up with "children leaving empty-handed after downing a gluten-free cupcake and playing enriching word games." The book is full of this - chapters that seem to tell people to ease off on the judgement, and then saying things like "I'm always shocked when", "I'm on the second friend's side", "when I get a whiny e-mail about how a kid got the sniffles", etc. etc. etc. The book is full of defense on what may fall ever-so-slightly on the "lax" end of parenting (which, by the way, I am a proponent of!!) and mockery/criticism of what may fall on the "vigilant" end of parenting (which is also full of virtues!). I started the book with hope to take a break from the Mommy Wars, only to find more of the same mud-slinging happening throughout. To my mommy friends - I would just skip this book altogether. Unless you happen to agree with her on most of her points, would like some validation, and feel like making fun of other types of parenting.

[Courtney · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is the poster child for why I dislike pop psychology. Hypocritical, opinionated nonsense for the most part. The author says she hates "self proclaimed experts," (but what about the real experts out there?"

[Laura Carnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Babywise dangerous to children pg 154

I came out of this study ( Dr. Penelope Leach) feeling very strongly that this is one area of life where choice is absolutely vital, and where women have a right to choose. What's bad is when the mother wants to go back to work but can't find childcare or the other way around, where she desperately wants to stay home but can't afford to.
Pg 177


If you let go of some idea of what your life is supposed to be like, of what your life used to be, you can really get into this new life. It's not so hard to feed and clothe and shelter another human being for eighteen years because love makes you want to do all those things and inspires you to find ways to manage it.
Pg 249

[Brandi Lee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a fun read. I didn't find it to be filled with any mind-blowing advice but the story was comforting to me as a new mother.

[Pamela]

I enjoyed reading this book. I bought this book over the weekend, read it within two days and will read this book again soon!



Ada Calhoun's Instinctive Parenting is a well-written, interesting, funny and intelligent look at parenting in the 00s. It's not necessarily a how-to guide but mostly a memoir on how this NYC mom parents her son Oliver and is part of a progressive and interesting community of moms and dads. The book provides a thoughtful discussion on what being a parent means in these hyper-competitive times. Ada's advice: breathe, trust yourself, love your child, be good to yourself and other moms and dads. Sounds pretty simple but the truth is we forget to do all of these things on a daily basis.



Ada gives an entertaining and balanced overview of many of the hot-button issues that can get any group of moms and dads worked into a lather like vaccinations, breastfeeding, sleep training, junk food and the like.



I will have to honestly say I don't share the author's views when it comes to leaving vaccination schedules to MDs (a brief chapter) ... I am pro-vaccination but prefer a gradualist approach and more research ...but whatever the topic, I feel the author always explains her viewpoints in a balanced and intelligent way.



I feel reading the book is like having a series of conversations with a wise, wonderful non-judgmental best friend who totally understands what you are going through. So if I'm feeling a bit anxious or stressed out about xyz topic as it applies to mothering, I know I can turn to this book and get a calm rational essay on a wide range of topics that challenge all new moms and dads.



I would strongly encourage that you buy this book.

[Genny · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn't exactly a "parenting" book in the sense that it tells you how to handle different situations. This books if full of real life experiences of the author as a step-mom/first time mom to her own child.

I enjoyed the personal stories and experiences she shared, observations she has made, and articles/books she has read, parents she has talked with about child rearing. But I think the most important message that came through this book was that there is not one right way to raise our children. To become tied to a specific type of parenting means that as a parent you can not do what is right for your child, yourself, and your family. And that each of us needs to remember that we are not here to judge other parents choices, but to make the best choices we can for our children and our families. What works for one family may not work for another and that is okay. We are so quick to judge what another parent is or is not doing, that we forget that we are all on this amazing journey together.

Our job as parents is to raise happy, confident, respectful, kind, patient, understanding, and productive members of our society.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

So far I am loving this! It is entertaining, easy to get through, and I totally agree with the author's minimalistic attitude.

Ok, now that I'm finished with it, I still like it. There are parts I agree with, parts I don't. But I absolutely LOVED reading a parenting book that at least wasn't BORING! I actually looked forward to reading a short chapter or 2 while eating lunch, etc. And invariably I learned something interesting or at least entertaining that I would want to remember to tell my husband about. This book helped me think about some parenting issues I haven't had to deal with yet and think about how I want to handle them in the future. I feel like this book was more about helping people think about parenting and what it really means to be a good parent instead of giving a big list of rules. I liked that. There are as many different ways to parent as there are parents, and they are all right as long as there is sincere love, and the goal is to help the child grow into a respectable, kind, good adult.

[Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is basically nothing more than the authors experience of being a first time mother. Since I already have 2 kids of my own and have been through many of the same experiences I didn't really gain much from reading this. However, as I was reading this book there were many times that I was nodding my head in agreement with her. It made me feel like I wasn't alone in the world because many of her views on parenting were the same as my own.

I think this book would be a good read for someone who is currently pregnant or have just given birth... Or if you're just looking for some humorous stories about first time parenting.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting read. If you are looking for a list of parenting tips-look elsewhere. This isn't what this book is. If you are looking to learn something, you can probably get the gist within the first couple of chapters. Trust yourself, don't worry what the rest of the world is doing. However, it was well-written and I feel like she is a friend now. Even though some of her take was a little more worldly than my views are, I liked her down-to-earth common sense style. I think all first time mothers should read it. But as my husband always says the best way to cure freaking out about everything your first one does is to have another kid so you have something else to do with your time.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the parenting advice applies more to older babies and toddlers, I still had a great time reading this book. Ada Calhoun's stories made me laugh, especially the antecdotes about the parents who just go overboard trying to make everything "perfect." While I didn't agree with every single thing she said, I liked how her main message was something along the lines of; Relax. There are a million different parenting styles, so don't worry about being sucked into various camps. Your job is to raise a well-adjusted contributing member of society, and you'll probably be fine. Do what works for your family, and avoid the crazy people.

[Brandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do recognize the irony in someone writing--and me reading--a book on parenting by instinct, but the book is really more a loose collection of short anecdotal essays, rather than a tome on How To Raise Your Child. It's an entertaining read in a way that parenting books usually aren't (this is the first one I haven't skipped all around in), and the main point is "you don't have to listen to so-called experts on everything; do what's right for YOUR family and YOUR kid," which is pretty refreshing, honestly.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not love this book more if I had given birth to it myself. There were so many quotes that I wanted to paste onto my facebook status or blog that I would have violated major copyright laws. I want to send copies of this to all my friends with young kids.

The only flaw I saw was that in a book where she is advocating parents being okay with whatever choices they make, she does judge some choices as "wacky" ("elimination communication" and "anti-vaccine" parents, most notably). I don't disagree, but it does seem to be contradiction.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty interesting book, although it felt more like a bunch of blogposts put in book form, which is fine. There were a few sections I greatly disagreed with, and a few that I very much enjoyed.

This isn't so much a parenting advice book as in "things you should do when your child does x,y or z" but more a parenting advice book filled with tidbits about how we should trust our own instincts as parents because, basically, as long as we're doing the best we can for our kids, we're doing it right.

[Jessica L · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an enjoyable quick read. The title is a tiny bit misleading, as it suggests this is an advice book. It really is more a collection of parenting-related essays tied together with a common theme: Don't stress out over all the conflicting advice out there. Instead, trust yourself and do what works for your family. I enjoy reading the submissions on Babble.com (the website the author edits). This book takes the same tone as many of the Babble articles.

[Casey Meinerding · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is great. I really only agree with 70% of how she raises her kids, but that's ok. Her point is that we will all do it differently and the kid will mostly turn out how they are going to turn out anyway. This is a great read for parents and parents-to-be because it is simply about doing the best you can.

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life, it is like kryptonite for mommy guilt! I wrote to the author to let her know how much the book helped me and she responded with a very kind message. All you mommies out there, treat yourself to this one, Grandma's treat your daughters to this book, OBGYN's insist your post partum patients read it, pediatricians, insist your new sleep deprived mommies read this!!!

[Terri · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was okay but started getting repetitive quickly, and sometimes more judgmental than I liked. Being interested in what "experts" say doesn't make one a bad parent any more than not caring does. I did like some of the essays, though, and the overall message -- though I also skipped a lot of it as I got further in.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I certainly did not agree with all of the positions that the author took, I felt respected by her words and cheered when she attempted to place some responsibility on the culture/society as far as helping family's raise kids. Also, a lot of what she says about the basics being most important make sense. In short: relax, everything will be okay.

[Sally Tsang · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny, commonsense and laid-back look at parenting and all the issues that plague first time parents. A good call to not sweat the small stuff (a lot of the stuff that seems big is actually small stuff) and trust that with love and the right priorities, our kids will turn out alright. An easy read full of humorous anecdotes of her own life as a parent.

[joy *the clean-reader extraordinaire* · Rating 3 out of 5]

short, funny chapters with parenting insight and anecdotes. nothing earth-shattering, but amusing and spot-on. easy for parents to actually read since the chapters are short enough for reading during potty breaks. ;)

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick read - I really enjoyed. It was like having a conversation with your best friend. I had fallen into the trap of worrying about every decision about well... everything regarding parenting. This helped me put things into perspective!

[Kaye · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book isn't really prescriptive (as in, how to parent), but it offers some levity to all the intense theories out there and injects some common sense to the job of being a parent. As someone who is expecting twins in a matter of weeks, I found the middle ground tone reassuring.

[Nicole Buhler · Rating 5 out of 5]

hilarious and so true! Takeaway: it doesn't matter how you raise your kids as long as you give them all of your love. Even if you have to work and put them in front of the TV with cheetos and french fries - if you love them they will turn out just fine.

[Nicole]

More memoir than parenting advice. Entertaining and I had a few - yeah I did that - moments, but otherwise not worthy of my few spare reading moments. Although it was a good counterbalance to all the "Mommy Wars" articles spinning around lately.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mom picked this up for me. The author has a fantastic sense of humor and a super laid back approach to parenting. It's contains lots of completely non-judgmental parenting 'advice' and I loved it.

[Gello · Rating 1 out of 5]

Doesn't seem to have much to say other than, do what ever you think is probably fine, and your kids will be fine. That's what I've done,and so far so good. (Her son is all of 2 years old.) Not worth reading, IMHO.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical advice that doesn't try to scare you. Thank you!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book, would recommend it for any parent. The author takes a funny, sarcastic and realistic approach to all the parenting advice we get."

[Emerald · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining book filled with the author's personal stories and viewpoints on most of the current "hot" button parenting issues. Numerous laugh-out-loud moments - easy and fun read!

[Delina Soumis Roehm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part of my wished I had read this book before having a baby. She makes some good points. I'd recommend it to a new mother or father to be that isn't set on a specific type of parenting.